Tag: how to parent better

Five Principles of Power – Principles 3 and 4

Recently, I wrote about principles that I consider powerful for a healthier and happier family life. Last week, we delved into principles one and two. Today, I will share information and examples on principles three and four.

As I said last week, as you internalize these principles, you will see greater success in all parts of your life. This is a promise I can make based on my own experience.

Principle 3

Make it special. When we want someone to look forward to something, we make it special. We do this at weddings, birthdays, and on holidays. But it’s just as important in our daily family activities. Let me share an example from my own life.

I recall a trip we made from Idaho to Utah. We were moving, and Mom was driving us to meet our dad at the new home. She had all nine of her kids in the car. My two sisters and I were in the very back of our station wagon. (No seatbelts in those days.). I was fourteen, Cindy was 13, and Shirley was twelve. Old enough to behave, right? At one point, we were so bored that we began fighting. My mom yelled repeatedly from the driver’s seat for us to stop because we were riling up the other kids. After a lengthy time, Mom pulled over, raced to the back of the car, popped the window open, and reached for us. We, however, were scrunched up at the back of the middle seat, and she couldn’t reach us. She told us in no uncertain terms to stop fighting and remain calm, that we were almost there. Then she got back in the driver’s seat. I will never forget what happened next. I looked at my sisters, they looked at me, we smiled mischievously, and went at it again. I know, we were being naughty on purpose, but we were bored!

I learned something from that experience that helped me when I traveled with our seven kids: make it special! I learned even more as I watched my husband. Don knew how to do this well. On any trip he planned, he would insert one or two stops at city parks. Everyone got out for fifteen minutes, and then we hit the road. At first, this drove me nuts. I mean, we needed to get where we were going. Over time, I saw how helpful this was for our children. They loved our trips and looked forward to the short stops. Don knew how to make it special.

I had a different way of accomplishing this. I would make goodie bags and hand them out at the beginning of the trip. They contained homemade treats and cheap toys or books from the dollar store. In our day, that was the town drug store. : ) Sometimes, rather than a goodie bag, I would have a bin of books, games, cards, coloring materials, etc. that I kept just for road trips. They weren’t brought out at any other time. We also had a few car games, and we often sang as a family. Yes, my kids liked that. Here is the key – what isn’t always available is special when it is available.

This idea of making it special applies to many things, such as going to church, doing chores, or bedtime. Really? Yes. I have a special bag that goes to church with me. When the grands are reverent, they get to pick a treat out of the bag. I’ve been using this bag for over ten years, and although all the grands are now teens and don’t need the bag to be reverent, they enjoy getting it anyway. It’s become a once-a-week tradition. : ) Maybe you have special books that are only used at church. Whatever isn’t always available feels special.

Even chores can be made special. After Saturday chores, have a simple treat. As each child or teen finishes their assigned items, they can have a treat, no waiting on others. You could have a ten-minute dance party just before everyone goes off to do chores or even gather when everyone is done. Laughter, smiles, and treats can make even the most arduous or mundane thing special.

And what about bedtime? I’ve learned that even bedtime can be more stress-free when it’s special. My grands in Washington were notorious for not going to bed, and when in bed, calling out over and over again. When I visited, I instituted something special. I would sit by the bed and ask two questions: What was the hardest thing that happened today? What was the best thing that happened today? They would each get to answer the question, and we talked about it. They loved this. When we were done, each was to lie still, close their eyes, and breathe. I would sit there for another ten minutes while they complied. By then, they were usually asleep.

Another simple way to make bedtime special is by giving each child just three minutes to hug, cuddle, or talk. Then say goodnight and move to the next bed or room. I’ve had parents tell me that doing this one simple thing has made a difference for their kids because it makes bedtime special.

Principle 4

Keep it simple. As in the above examples, while working on making things special, we need to remember to keep it simple. When we make things hard, expensive, time-consuming, or too costly, the activity usually dies a slow death. We had a weekly family night. There was prayer, a story, and a simple activity. We ended with a treat of some kind. This was a family activity suggested by our church. As we went along, many members of our congregation began making this simple family home evening a big deal. Bigger treats. More challenging activities. More resources were required. I found myself letting it slide because I didn’t have the time or energy for all the preparation. I felt that if I wasn’t doing all the ‘stuff’ other families were doing, my kids would feel ours was lame. What was lame was that we stopped doing a fun thing that brought our family together. Eventually, we returned to simpler content, and it returned to a weekly event.

Here is a cool idea a friend had for her children’s bookshelves. She would periodically remove books and add in books that had been removed months earlier. This kept her children’s interest in the books because they felt new. She wasn’t constantly having to buy books or go to the library. This also got her kids to engage with books that they ordinarily wouldn’t have read. It helped make their family reading time more exciting.

Sometimes you’ll have an activity that you think is special, but your kids don’t, and it isn’t as successful as you hoped. That is OK. Get your ego out of the way. Try another activity next week or new items in the car for the next long drive. Be willing to experiment.

I did some work for a woman who taught me a profound lesson. Her closet was so neat, and I asked her how she managed it. She replied that if she bought something, then she had to give something away. This simple ‘rule’ that she had for herself kept her whole home in far better order. She had learned to keep it simple.

We can expand this idea to many areas of our lives. Take a vacation, for example. Don’t overload it. A few activities, well thought out and engaged in, beat a schedule that wears everyone out and leads to misbehaving, irritation, and contention.

When we add a new commitment to our calendar, we should remove something else. One of the great tragedies for families is that we are so “booked” that we do not have time for one another; we cannot enjoy one another. Running from one thing to the next until we are totally worn out is a good way to miss our family life, which is really the life we want. When we keep things simple and consistent, our results skyrocket.

We want to have a real connection in our family. We want peace and calm as often as we can manage it. We want activities that bond us together.

This all happens best as we make things special in simple and sustainable ways.

A series of Conversations – Get Lost, Herkimer!

I have had this recurring thought in the last five years – “Why are you writing? You aren’t raising kids anymore. You aren’t homeschooling. You’re getting older. Are you even relevant?” Then I get an email from a young mom thanking me for helping her see what she couldn’t see, or from an older mother or grandmother thanking me for reminding her of what she already knew.

A Conversation That Mattered

Once a month, I talk with my friend Joy Petty. I LOVE these calls. They are interesting and resource-filled. Sometimes I share something that helps her, and she does the same for me. We both go away elevated. On one of our recent calls, the subject of how I have been feeling about writing came up. The reason it happened was that Joy said a recent article was just what she needed. She was going to be teaching a class on forms, the old word for systems. Some of what I wrote about systems was helpful to her. I was blown away.

This was the second time in two days I had received a reminder that I am relevant and that my writing blesses others. (One of the truth statements I repeat daily is about how my writing benefits others. Always working on my story.) The night before my call with Joy, I received an email from an old and dear friend, Heidi Totten. We had worked together for a few years, but our paths diverged, and we hadn’t connected for some time. In the email were three words. “I Love This!!” I didn’t even know she still read what I wrote, after all these years.

Joy and Heidi’s words filled my soul with joy. We all want to matter. We all want to make a difference. We all want our mission, whatever it is now, to be of value to someone.

Joy reminded me to write for those who can hear what I have to say, even if the world has changed and many of the younger generation are not yet ready to hear. Joy admonished me, saying, “Our learning, what we have experienced and now understand, matters even if only to one person.” I know this. I am reminded each time someone reaches out to tell me how much what I said has impacted them for the better. Christ always worked with the one. Each person mattered, not just the audience of 5000.

We all have seasons or phases. Right now, mine is loving my family and attending to their needs and writing when I can. Joy reminded me of something I know and have taught. I am in the impact stage of my life, or as it is sometimes called, the grandparent stage. Joy reminded me not to worry, but to put something of value into the world. In time, the younger generations will be ready to hear as they enter a new phase or season of their own. She said, “There is great meaning and purpose to what you are doing. What you’re doing is huge!”

Why am I sharing this conversation with you?

Why would I let you in on one of my weaknesses, occasionally doubting my value in the world? Aren’t I supposed to be the teacher, to have it all together? Well, I am your teacher, and I’m teaching you something important by sharing a real-life example. I know each of you struggles in this same way because we’re all human, imperfect, and prone to doubt ourselves.

I want to help you remember what Joy reminded me. Your imperfect offering is valuable. Possibly, you parent and don’t work outside the home. There are negative vibes about that. Maybe you parent and work outside the home. Hmmm, still negative vibes. Some of your children may have left the path you taught them to walk, whether it’s values, spirituality, work ethic, family traditions, etc. The feeling of failure and being judged is there, causing us to ask ourselves, “Is what I am doing making any difference at all?”

This is a common place to find ourselves. What can we do to step out of this feeling that somehow what we’re doing isn’t valuable, good enough, pertinent, or heard? As Joy and I talked about this, she came up with a most hilarious solution. It is a simple system. LOL She said, “Why don’t you give this thought that reoccurs a name? What about Herkimer? Then, when you have the thought, you can tell Herkimer to get lost.” I LOVED that idea, and I know how to implement it because it’s similar to what I have done for many years, when I have a negative thought about myself.

I decided those thoughts weren’t mine, but from a source that wanted to defeat me. So, whenever a negative thought came into my mind, I would look to the right and say something like this, out loud: “Get Lost. Is that the best you can do? That is a big lie, I am so not that, and so forth. Yes, I would say it out loud, even in the grocery store or wherever I was. People sometimes looked at me funny. I would smile, and the thought would be gone. It worked so well. I LOVED doing it. However, as research has shown, when we have a pattern or system that is working, we sometimes begin using it less. That has happened to me, and this conversation with Joy has gotten me back on track.

This article is about our story, our perception of what we’re bringing to the world. The more we can confirm to ourselves the value of our current mission, the better we will manage it. This is important and matters. When we continually reaffirm that we have a place and a mission that matters, regardless of how imperfect the results may look at the time, we hang on and do better. My current mission isn’t what I planned or thought I would be doing, but it matters, both the caregiving and the writing, even at my age and in my phase of life.

I have decided to return to regularly using what I know works, but now it has a name. : ) I am again taking control of my story about my mission, my purpose, and my value to the world, and how writing fits into that. I hope you will ponder this. Are you embracing an unhelpful story about your mission?

If so, give it a name, and then regularly tell it to GET LOST.

Stillness = Rest and Rejuvenation

My husband was watching the show The Irrational. It’s about a behavioral science professor who solves tough police cases. I was in the kitchen and could hear it. The main character had an appendix surgery. He tried to rise from his bed a few times because there was a case he wanted to get going on. His sister had to nag at him to remain in bed and heal. At one point the professor spoke with a priest, while still in the hospital. The priest said, “St. Stillness has visited you.” Then he smiled and the professor replied, “Oh, stillness. I’m not very good at it.”

This intrigued me because one of my favorite scriptures is “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10, from the Christian Bible. However, I, like the professor, must work to be still.

Recently, I got a call from a friend. We have both had challenging things happen in the last few years and talked about how we’ve managed. At some point in the conversation, I said, “God has put me in Rest and Rejuvenation 101 so I can learn to manage better.” She began laughing, and so did I. She knew exactly what I was talking about.

This topic of Stillness, Rest, and Rejuvenation is tied to the article I wrote on Peaceful Intensity. Not only must we manage busy and often chaotic days with a sense of peace and calmness, but we also need to learn to be still so that we find moments of rest and are rejuvenated. As we do, we manage better.

Getting things done is my nature but it isn’t healthy to think, move, and manage stuff all the time. It leads to weariness, grumpiness, and resentment even though we choose to bypass stillness, receive rest, and be rejuvenated. I have been in this class for a few years. Some tests I pass and others I fail. But I keep receiving resources and information, practicing, and growing. I’m doing what I have done dozens of times in the past seventy-five years, I’m working on getting better at a skill that will help me remain healthy and happy.

My current mission is to care for my mother, who has dementia, my husband who has several illnesses, and help my daughter care for her four children, one with severe cerebral palsy. When I stop and think about it, I realize this is not random. I had determined previously, that I needed to learn to live my favorite scripture, be still, and know God. He, being wise and loving, put me in this class by giving me this current assignment.

In the last couple of years, I have begun to see the connection between stillness and the rest it brings leading to rejuvenation. I haven’t always enjoyed the object lessons in this class. They have been trying at times. However, I have begun to pass a few more tests.

Like many of you, I have a lot on my plate. Whether those we care for are old or young it is the same work. So, learning to be still in small increments, so that we rest and rejuvenate multiple times daily, is vital to our health and well-being.

My Commitment/Affirmations for 2025 are beautiful, and when I read them, I’m astonished at how well they hit the mark. It was worth the effort I put into creating them. Some of them focus on stillness, rest, and rejuvenation because I knew going into this year that I needed to make more progress.

Here are a few things that I have in my current stillness arsenal.

•I have found a way of meditation that works for me. I have a list of meditations that take 8 minutes or less. To meditate, you must get still and focus. I listen to one most nights before I go to bed. It helps me fall asleep quickly.
•Before I begin praying, I stop and get quiet. I am still for a few minutes before I utter a word whether that prayer is being said in my nightly shower, kneeling at the side of my bed, or while washing a sink full of dishes.
•My husband says when I wake up, I move like a fireman. He’s right. Now I am making myself lie still for just a few minutes and feel the goodness of the day before I allow my feet to touch the ground.
•I’m making a diligent effort to remember to breathe deeply three or four times whenever I feel frustration, annoyance, or irritation coming into my body.
•When I must solve a problem or make a decision, I sit down and remain still for a couple of minutes to clear my mind and prepare myself.
•When I face an old story or a new negative one, rather than feeling bothered, I still my mind and then redirect my thoughts.
•If I find myself unsure because of a setback or a very chaotic day I stop where I am, standing or sitting, and listen. What voice do I hear? One that is harsh and critical or gentle and kind. Then I calmly choose to accept the latter.
•I am continuing my gratitude journal. I have been writing three things each day for several years. Before I write a word, I close my eyes, breathe deeply, and then begin. The whole process takes less than 4 or 5 minutes, and frequently that is all I get before someone needs me. : )

A Simple Example

Let me give you an example of a stillness moment that occurred today, Friday. It had been an overly busy day with errands and caregiving. As I served dinner, I felt a deep need to be done. However, my mom needed help with her teeth. My husband needed help to change clothes and food still needed to be put away. I didn’t want to face dishes in the morning, so despite wanting to be done, I began working on cleaning up.

I don’t know about you but when I’m overly tired even inanimate objects seem determined to cause me trouble. LOL As I washed the silverware a knife slipped from my hand back into the water. I made a face and felt the irritation rise. I began to say, “You dumb knife.” Then I stopped, closed my eyes, and took a few deep breaths. I stood still for maybe 30 seconds. It didn’t remove my tiredness. I still had a few dishes to wash. However, the irritation died out and I felt calm, rested, and rejuvenated. I was able to finish the kitchen and help Mom and my husband with a couple more things before heading to my desk to write.

I know that many would scoff at my list. If you look online the advice is to go to lunch or shopping with friends, take a trip, or get away. These are not practical for my current life. They wouldn’t have worked well when I was raising our seven children. I couldn’t do these things consistently, and surely not every day. It’s been necessary to find simple ways to add stillness, quiet, and space to my life numerous times a day, right where I am.

Friends, I have learned much and I am wise in many ways. I have lived a long life. I have changed, grown, matured, overcome weaknesses, and have blessed others. I have been in more 101-level classes than I care to admit. But here I am again, in class, Stillness = Rest and Rejuvenation 101, and the resources I need to progress are showing up because I ask for them. I know I can become very good at creating moments of stillness in my busy days that lead to rest and rejuvenation.

Stillness = rest and rejuvenation. I am sure of this, and I am learning to increase all three in my life. I know it will bless me, my family, and all those I connect with.

If you are determined to do what it takes to learn and grow it will bless your life. Be open to those 101 classes!

The Two-edged Sword of Innovation

I like Kerry Patterson. He is a great writer and from my era, so I relate to everything he writes. Back in September 2012, Kerry wrote an article about unplugging from the workplace, the difficulty and the benefits. I saw amazing parallels for a family. In the ensuing eleven years, I have seen what Kerry shared become even more challenging.

Kerry talked about the nuclear tests that America engaged in 1951, and all the craziness that went along with that. Students were sent flying to the floor to cover the backs of their necks in case of a nuclear attack from the Soviet Union. They saw American soldiers in newsreels, dressed in green fatigues, toting rifles, and holding their helmets tight to their heads, walking resolutely into a cloud of nuclear dust as the latest blast rolled across the desert. It was all craziness because in 1951 we all knew about radiation, the danger, and yet the tests went on. Kerry then asked the question “What similarly insane things are we doing today?” What modern inventions have we wholly embraced, which appear to have made our lives better, but are slowly killing us? In short, what “nuclear walk” are we taking today?

Kerry and I agree on one crazy thing that is happening – our inability to unplug! Let me give you an example that I witnessed back in 2012 and still see happening today. When I first moved to Utah, I lived on the second floor of a two-story apartment building. Below us lived a wonderful family with two daughters. In front of their apartment was a large hedge that hid their patio from view. As I came up the walk one day, I saw Lisa and Patrick’s heads above the hedge. I saw no children. I called out to them, “Hey are you guys having a date?” They both looked up and answered “yes”. As I rounded the hedge to the stairway, I saw that they were playing separate games on their individual cell phones but…they were on a date.

I have mentored moms who had a hard time gathering their families together. Reading as a family was out. Watching a movie together was a struggle. Meals together were rare. They struggled to find time to be present and listen to their children. When I had these moms track how they used their time they were amazed at how much of it they spent answering emails, checking Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, and dealing with other social networking sites, as well as online games they played. There were texts to respond to, videos from friends, and a plethora of things to Google. There were podcasts and audiobooks to listen to. None of these activities were bad but the time used led to a sense of dissatisfaction in their performance as mothers. They couldn’t seem to keep up. This applied to the dads I worked with as well. They not only had the social networking issues their wives had, but they also brought work home with them on laptops and cell phones. These good parents then wondered why they couldn’t connect more regularly with their children or avoid becoming angry and frustrated with them.

After our tracking exercise, I would ask “What would happen if you unplugged occasionally? What if you turned the cell phones off just during dinner? What if you didn’t check your email or Facebook until the afternoon? Would disconnecting for even an hour make your life better?” They answered yes, but I could hear the worry in their voices. They didn’t want to be out of the loop and miss something. And frankly, for some, being thus engaged felt better than doing all the jobs that parents face every day. But what would happen if we unplugged for even an hour a day? Would it make a difference in our feelings of satisfaction, in our health, in our ability to focus on the connection we want in our family? The answer is a resounding YES.

Here is a fact that Kerry shared:

Every time you stop your current task to take a text, etc., or deal with an interruption, and then return, you place the original task from short- to long-term memory, put the new job into short-term memory, and then reverse the entire process to get back on task. Completing this conceptual lifting dozens of times a day creates stress, which can lead to distress and all its attendant health problems.

Frequent interruptions can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction. Instead of working continuously for periods of an hour or more on a task that’s challenging and solvable, we purposely interrupt our flow, add stress, and make our job as a parent far less doable or enjoyable. Take listening to a fretting child or trying to soothe an ill youngster for example.

When we use our time to stay digitally connected, we often extend our day beyond healthy limits. Instead of going to bed at 10, we go at midnight because we want to finish those chores that we didn’t get done earlier. This leads to a lack of energy and eventual grouchiness and dissatisfaction with our children and life.

I worked with a mom who played three online games daily and was a prolific Facebook reader and writer. Often her Facebook messages said things like “I just can’t keep up” or “I am too busy, and my kids are so messy!” She had too many tech interruptions and let too much time pass in these activities which left her always feeling rushed and out of sorts. This didn’t help her parent well.

With the release of each innovation, there’s much to think about. As we invent and embrace new devices, we may not know the toll they’re taking on our mental, emotional, and physical health. What can we do?

Take control of how you spend your time.
Take control of your outside interruptions.
Make the use of technology part of your family dialogue.

When will you, your spouse, or the kids be on the computer? How much TV will any of you watch? What family times call for silencing cell phones? How many Wii or other electronic games will you play?

As Kerry suggests, “Talk openly about the two-edged sword of innovation”. Decide how and when you want to be connected and where and when you want to be interrupted. Make it a choice, not the natural extension of embracing what appears to be a helpful tool. And remember, it’s not an all-or-nothing proposition. You’re not required to take a vow of digital celibacy. You don’t have to chuck your devices and neither do your kids; you just need to control them, so they don’t control you.

Have a plan and then work your plan.

I know a mom who realized that checking her computer first thing in the morning was messing up her day. She decided to turn the computer OFF each evening and then NOT turn it on again until after 12 P.M. This one thing made a world of difference. She felt more productive in the A.M. and was able to help her kids get going on their day. When you make decisions about technology you make more time for your family.

Managing technology with children especially youth, can be daunting. There are dozens of books out there on the subject because it is tough. But what if you decided to turn off all phones during one meal each day? What if computers and phones were silenced just one evening a week for one hour while you held a family council on what was coming up that week? Or what if once a month you had a family movie night and phones were not allowed? Challenging I know, but even one small thing that opens space for family conversation is valuable and will make a difference.

What is one small thing you are willing and ready to talk to your family about? What is one small change you will make?

Decide as a family and then do it!

Deadheading

The Earth Can

Teach Us

It’s summer and so you know you are in for some parables about gardens and flowers. : ) The earth, if we are paying attention, can teach us so much symbolically, and metaphorically. Here is a lesson I was reminded of this week in my garden.

When I was a girl, we had a set of very old books in our home. They were called The John Martin Big Books. They were published in 1934, three years after my mother was born. I loved these books of very old stories. Many, if not all, taught a lesson. One such story was about two girls. Each had a flower garden. One girl shared her flowers with her friends and neighbors. She picked them for those walking by who admired them. The other girl wouldn’t pick her flowers. After all, they were hers. She loved them and she was doing all the work.

Guess who had the most long-blooming garden. Yes, the girl who shared her flowers. Later in life, I learned why this is so. If flowers are allowed to go to seed, the plant stops blooming because it has accomplished its mission. If, however, the blooms are picked, and seeds cannot form, the plant will do all it can to bloom long enough to create the seeds it was meant to produce.

Learning to Deadhead

My mother taught me to deadhead flowers, sort of like that story in my John Martin Big Book. You didn’t need to pluck each blossom and give it away, but when a bloom was finished and began to droop, you clipped off the head so that it couldn’t produce seeds.

My husband doesn’t garden but he loves gardens. We always go to the nursery together because he likes to help me pick out what is going to be planted. This year he wanted to buy a hanging basket of violas. I know how violas work and I knew that come mid-July they would stop looking beautiful and need to be replaced. But he liked them, so we bought them. I determined that from the time we bought them until they were spent, I would keep them deadheaded to help them last as long as possible.

I start on one side and I’m sure I get all the spent blooms. Then I move to the other side and every time I will see one I missed. Sometimes more than one. What happens? Why can’t I see them all from the side they are growing on? It’s because sometimes I need a different perspective. When I move to the opposite side, I can see the backside of the flowers which allows me to see blooms I couldn’t see from the front side.

The day I deadheaded my Columbines, a big flower, it was easy to see the seed pods. I wasn’t tired and had plenty of energy. The light was just right so I could see these large flowers and seed pods very well. I did a really good job on them. When I came back a couple of hours later and sat in one of the outdoor chairs, I’ll be darned if I didn’t find five seed heads that I had missed, even though I had done an excellent job the first time around.

Deadheading is a metaphor for life and family.

It’s never going to be perfect no matter how hard you try. When we can accept that, then we are free to enjoy the good job we are doing, despite the imperfections.

When we are trying to clean out our schedules, make something work in our family, improve a relationship, or work on anything that’s important it’s a lot like deadheading. You think you have cut out everything you need or can cut out. You think you have developed the perfect system to resolve a problem in your family. You are sure you have added or taken away something that will improve your relationships. You feel that you have explored all the options. Then you get a new perspective from a friend, a book, an article, a chance encounter with someone, and you see something that you have missed. You become able to jettison something in your schedule you didn’t think you could let go of, adjust a family system so it works better, or see something in the relationship that you can approach slightly differently to get a better outcome.

Good deadheading requires multiple perspectives as does running a successful life. I love deadheading because it is a quiet way of spending some alone time. So, I am focused. I’m not listening to a podcast or in any other way distracted. I move my fingers through the flowers, and I look very carefully for blooms that are spent. I’m experienced at this.

However, when I go to the other side or return to a flower bed later in the day, I know that despite my best efforts I will find spent blooms that I missed. It happens every single time. I can chalk it up as a failure to see, or that somehow, I am not paying enough attention, or I’m distracted, or that I just don’t care enough. I could allow myself to feel frustration at myself, the plant, the world, and how it works in general. I could beat myself up. I could stop enjoying this quiet, alone activity because it is never perfect. Never!

When I move to the other side of my hanging violas or walk around to the back side of my Columbines and see spent blooms or seed pods I missed I could ask myself, am I seeing these missed flowers or seeds because I finally stopped being a failure? Am I finally doing a decent job? Am I paying more attention? Am I less distracted? But I don’t allow myself to hold these feelings because all that happened was that I got a new perspective. I could see what I couldn’t see before.

As parents, when we miss something in a relationship or have a family system that we thought was perfect and it stops working, or our budget is a wreck, or we aren’t losing enough weight, or…the list goes on eternally, we can choose to berate ourselves or we can know that we are doing the best we can with what we have and go searching for what we may be missing.

Being a praying person, when I find myself at a loss as to why I am not better in some way, I begin by asking God for clarity, resources, strength, and grace. Just this week I reacted to my mom in a very unkind and childish way. I cried and told her I was sorry. Then I went to God and told him I was sorry. I asked what would cause me to respond in such a way. I sought clarity and thoughts came to my mind. I have continued to think and have received more thoughts. I am in the process of deadheading, giving away old stories and spent ways of being.

If I refrain from beating myself up for not doing something as well as I wanted to and instead seek information and resources to help me do better, then I will be given a new perspective. I will grow and in time, I will respond differently. I have lived this repeatedly and I know it’s true!

As I said, deadheading is a metaphor for life. We will fail. We will be unkind. We will miss things of importance. We will mess up in our family. It will happen. All that means is that you need a new perspective, information you do not now have. So, love yourself and your efforts. Speak kindly to yourself and extend grace as you learn and grow. Ask for help and then keep deadheading.

Your life’s garden will bloom far better and be more beautiful if you do.

Love, Dependability, and Trust

Life doesn’t always go as planned!

When our oldest son was young, he became involved in drugs. Don and I were totally out of our element and didn’t know how to respond. We took a parenting class.

Eventually, Seth, at fourteen, left home and moved to the riverbank for the summer. For the next few years, he was home and then gone again. We tried contracts, and tough love, making him earn back his possessions. If it was out there and we could access the information, we gave it a try. Remember that this was before in-home computers were widely available, so resources were harder to come by.

Eventually, we had three other children become involved in drugs. We faced some challenging things. Kids who came home after curfew. We couldn’t let them in because they knew the boundaries. Those clear rules didn’t make listening to them call out to us any easier. Phone calls from kids late at night who were miles away from home and wanted to be picked up. We couldn’t because they knew the boundaries but that meant a lot of knee time praying for their safety. There were the moments when we, as adults lost it and behaved like children. And then the grief over having to tell friends they couldn’t come to our home because of drug issues. Sometimes we were all the family they had. These were really tough times.

Our kids didn’t always like us, and we worried about someone dying or going to jail. We had some narrow escapes on both counts. Some parents don’t escape these painful outcomes.

Here is why I am sharing some of the darkness we experienced. I want you to know that even in the darkness if we are doing our best, we are a light for our children. What does that even mean? Let me share a message that I got two years ago from my oldest son, who is closing in on fifty. It filled my heart with peace and gratitude.

“Mom, when it comes to all the kids that hung out at our house, even though you didn’t see it, you were a mom to 150 kids. Our home life was so different than everyone else’s home life. That’s why people liked coming to our house because it was such a safe place. Even though we all had our issues, it was a safe place. I still hear it from so many of my friends. It was that you were a mom. It was a safe and secure place for more people than you’ll ever realize, mom.”

So there it is. Our lives weren’t perfect.

Don and I had a ton of baggage. We were inept at parenting. I have talked about that before. We didn’t know how to respond. We tried stuff, most of which wasn’t helpful. Our kids suffered. We suffered.

BUT here is what I want you to hear, we stayed the course.

We remained loving adults in our children’s lives and unknown to us, in the lives of countless other youth. We were home, and we had dinner together. I read to the kids, not consistently, but enough. We attended church together and went on trips to grandma’s. We went camping. We weeded the garden together and did some family canning. It was all ordinary, no big fancy anything, just plenty of family time.

Don and I made a boatload of mistakes. But we were there. Our kids could count on our being there. They could count on boundaries that didn’t change just because we were tired, angry, sad, or afraid. Our kids could trust us. This is all we really brought to the game: love, dependability, and trust.

I have shared some dark memories. Let me share some of the light from today that lets me know our children are OK. A few years ago, they began having a sibling call once a month. Anyone available got on, and they shared their lives. All seven of the kids made time for this call.

Later it was a video app. We have two video groups. The whole family is on one. The grands see and hear us, and we see and hear them. They see and hear their uncles and aunts. Everything gets shared: grades, holidays, mini-disasters, work, sports, etc. There are always videos to watch.

The second one is for the adults, us, and our children. The talk there is more personal: lost jobs, new jobs, illnesses, relationships, etc. Deep feelings are expressed.

Every other year we gather for a reunion. Rarely does anyone miss. Two years ago, we had to cancel our reunion because of covid. Last year we held it and our breaths hoping that everyone would be healthy and safe. We couldn’t wait any longer. The videos were filled with a longing to be together. On the last day, our youngest son asked us to do it again this year. The ‘yes’ vote was unanimous.

Early last spring, I decided that I needed a shed. I wanted to clean out more space in the garage for my daughter’s family, and well, I am a handywoman, and a handywoman needs a shed! : )

I found what I wanted and bought a kit. Then I headed out to Washington to help one of my daughters. While I was gone, a miracle occurred. I was worried as to how that shed was going to get built. Both my daughter and her husband work long hours. Then there are four kids to take care of after that, one with severe CP. I couldn’t do it alone, and my husband’s physical abilities and health made it impossible for him.

When I returned to Utah, there was a finished shed. Jodie had called Seth, our oldest son, and he took some time off from work, drove ten hours one way, and helped her and her husband, Doug, build the shed. Later, I painted it with the help of my nine-year-old grandson. I call it ‘The Shed that LOVE built.’ I can’t look at it or go inside without feeling loved.

How does that happen when a family is in so much pain and danger for so long? How does it come right? When you stay the course, when you keep parenting the best you can, when you keep learning and growing and changing, well, that is what helps it happen.

It doesn’t matter where you are in your family’s life. It may be a dark place, and you may feel hopeless and helpless. But you are not. Pray for help. Seek resources. Never give up. Stay the course. Be the parent you promised to be when you began, as best you know how.

Be there. Be dependable. Be trustworthy. It can and will make all the difference.

Wise People Seek Wise Counsel

Wise people seek wise counsel.

That might mean a good counselor or possibly a mentor/coach. It might be a friend who is where you want to be and is willing to share insights. It may be another parent who manages what you are struggling with and is willing to walk you through how they have accomplished what they have accomplished.

1. Friends – I recall many decades ago I was struggling as a mom with a house full of kids. I was yelling and stressed and trust me so were my kids. However, I had a friend who was calm with her children, and she had one who was a tantrum thrower. I asked her about it, and she showed me how she dealt with her over-the-top child. I was astonished. It had never occurred to me that you could remain calm when your child was not. I had not seen that from the adults in my life.

This friend of mine helped me practice and talked with me weekly for a good while. She helped me on my journey to a calmer way of being. It didn’t cost a cent.

2. Hire a mentor/coach – When I was writing my book, I needed some help. I was doing OK in the writing department, but I needed accountability. So, I hired an accountability coach. We talked on the phone once a week. She had published several books and was able to show me the flaws in my excuses as to why I couldn’t do this hard thing. Having her to bounce my doubts and fears off made all the difference.

3. Hire a trained counselor – Another time, decades ago, when I had a child struggling in a way that I couldn’t manage I hired a counselor. As my daughter and I met with her she was able to help me see how to help my child and she was able to show my child ways that she could help herself.

Recently, I advised one of my mentees to hire a trained counselor to work on some issues that are wreaking havoc in her marriage. She has and it is making a difference. Wise people seek the correct wise counsel!

4. Read books – When I was a very young mom, with only two children, I began reading a book on parenting. It was so over my head that I couldn’t finish it. I hated that book because it made me feel so inadequate, but it had shown me that I needed some skills that I had never seen used. I must admit it took a few years for me to get serious about changing my way of being as a parent. When I did another book showed up, and then another book. Change for me was a process. I never did finish that first book but what little I read led me on a path to where I am today.

5. Prayer – One of my first lines of defense, when I am in over my head, is prayer. Yes, you heard that right, I pray. I have had decades of experience in hearing the voice of the Spirit and it has saved me a lot of grief. When I realized I would have to stop teaching and speaking, to care for my mother and husband I was at a loss. This was my dream and being a full-time caregiver wasn’t! But I also knew this was the correct path. How would I know what to do? How could I stay out of resentment? How could I still write when my time would be at a premium?

Prayer has been the BIGGEST help of all! I am counseled as I go through my day. I have been shown how to deal with resentment. I have been shown what my mother and husband need, things I never would have thought of by myself. My heart has been softened. I am learning to touch more. : ) It has made a world of difference in the last three years.

And I have been counseled as to how to continue to do what I enjoy, that helps me make a difference in the bigger world, write. That has meant a great deal to me. I know that I am loved!

Wise people seek wise counsel from the sources that are available to them.

As we seek help more resources open. I have a friend who is a single mother. She is also self-employed and homeschools. Wow! Yes, she is a busy woman, but I can tell you she is also happy. That hasn’t always been the case.

When I first began working with her, she was feeling very stuck in life, as a person, as a mom, and as an entrepreneur. She had been in this stuck place for a few years. But within six months she was unstuck in all three areas and moving forward. How does that happen?

Well, she reached out to me, and I was able to help her with her homeschooling dilemmas and point her to other resources that made a difference. That’s what she came to me for. But I was also able to help her with some of the places where she was stuck in life. Why? Because I am much older and asked lots of thought-provoking questions. I was able to help her see what she couldn’t see amid her worries and fears. We became friends, she trusted me, and she moved forward even when the path wasn’t totally clear!

I couldn’t help her with her business but because she had experienced the value of seeking wise counsel a resource opened which revolutionized her work. It took six months but by the end of that time, she had outsourced much of the load, had learned new strategies which streamlined her business and increased her income. All this before she even thought about adding new clients or raising her rates. Seeking wise counsel changed her life, her kid’s education, her work.

As an aside, let me say that a few years have passed, and she is again stuck. Yes, that is how life works. It is never easy or smooth. But she has learned that wise people seek wise counsel. She knows from experience that if she stays the course, takes responsibility, and prays, the resources she needs will show up.

If you are struggling as a parent, take the time to honestly look at the issues. Do your systems stink? Do you lack skills? Is your confidence in the toilet? Do you feel unfulfilled in some way? Are your most important relationships rocky? Do you need some behavior modification? Have you forgotten how to care for yourself?

Be open to learning and resources show up. Read, ask good questions. Look at your situation honestly. Make the changes you can. Then do a bit more, look deeply at yourself.

In the end, it is all about you. You are the only person you really have any control over. You are the one who must grow and change no matter what anyone else around you does. You have heard one of my favorite quotes before. This one voice made me so mad and changed my life at the same time. What Viktor Frankl said is true, whether you are ready to believe it or not. If you are not ready to accept it do what I did. Let it settle into your heart until you can bear it and then it will change you and your life.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation,
we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Wise people seek wise counsel. Determine what you can change and then take control of yourself. Let go of blame. Seek the help you need to begin making a change. Practice. Doing this gives you all the power and will revolutionize your life.

I am speaking from seven decades of experience on both sides of this fence.
I hope you believe me. : )

We All Need More Light

The other day when I went out to water the garden,

I had an interesting thing happen that reminded me that sometimes, we can be blind to what is right in front of us.

The backyard hose is attached to a faucet that uses groundwater. Then the hose snakes across the lawn, over a small fence, and into the garden where it connects to another faucet that waters the garden. When I water the garden, I do the same thing almost every day. First, I walk out to the back faucet and turn on the water. Then I go through the garden gate and turn on the second faucet which lets water into the garden.

On this day, Doug had unhooked the groundwater hose the day before to fill the swimming pool. He had connected it to the house faucet so that city water would be in the pool. I knew he was doing this. I saw the hose hanging over the side of the pool. Yet, I went over to the faucet, turned it on, and got a face full of water. What! I could see the hose wasn’t connected, but my brain did not switch gears from what I do almost every day to what was happening this day.

How can that even happen?

But this kind of thing does happen in everyone’s life. There are times when we don’t see what is right in front of us. We may behave in unhealthy or damaging ways to our family or ourselves and not even know it. We do what we have always done.

When we moved with Jodie’s family this last time, we had to build a kitchen for my family, where a storage room had been. Everyone tried to talk me out of the light I choose to go over the kitchen sink. After all, it was a bathroom fixture. I didn’t care, I loved how it looked, and it was so illuminating. Every time I use that light, I am amazed at how much better I can see. The odd thing is that I don’t always use this extra light. Sometimes I will be washing potatoes or doing dishes and think, “I have enough light.” And I do, sort of. Then I will have a change of heart and flip the switch that is right in front of me, and voila! I can see so much better. There are other times when I know that I need more light, and I hurriedly flip the switch. I am always shocked at how much better I can see and how much more efficiently I can do whatever job I am doing because the details are more apparent.

This happens in life, in parenting. Wouldn’t it be nice to have all the information and knowledge we need no matter what came up? But we don’t. Often it takes time for us to determine that we lack the knowledge we need to do a better job of whatever it is. It can take a great deal of time before we realize that something we are doing may be harmful or counterproductive. For example, it took me almost ten years to understand that raging wasn’t a great way to manage problems and another ten to find the resources and support I needed, the light, to make a permanent change.

Often, when we realize that we have a lack of knowledge or skill, we beat ourselves up. When we find that our behavior is harmful, we feel tremendous guilt and shame. That is as foolish as me berating myself because I didn’t turn on my sink light right away or because I didn’t ‘see’ that the hose had been disconnected. Beating ourselves up and wallowing in shame and guilt for not having needed knowledge and resources is counterproductive. Instead, we should search for whatever resource will help turn on the light and make the details for change clearer.

‘Seeing’ Clearly Can Make ALL the Difference!

In my life, there have been times when I have said, “I can see fine.” I would keep moving forward and struggling because the truth was, the hose was unhooked, but I didn’t see it. Sometimes we cannot see what is right there in plain sight. We need help. It isn’t that we are inadequate, or stupid, or uncaring. We lack the information we need. Eventually, I would reach out for help via a friend, a book, or other resources. Sometimes it would be a class. Then the details became more evident, I made changes, and life got better in that one thing.

When I finally understood that I should stop yelling I didn’t know how. I couldn’t just stop. I needed to ‘see’ what was causing me to rage and how I could make a change. The first resource came in the form of a neighbor who offered me a pamphlet on anger management. That was very embarrassing but was the first step in changing my life and the lives of my children and husband.

Now, when I realize that I have a weakness or am erring somehow, I rejoice. I do not allow guilt to crowd in. I do not wallow in shame. I do not beat myself up! After all, I can’t change what I cannot see. When I do finally ‘see,’ I reach out. I look for the switch I need so I will have more light. I begin with prayer. I ask for help, and resources always come.

When you find yourself in the dark or semi-dark, STOP feeling like a failure. Instead, look for the switch, which is never too far away, and flip on the light. If you find yourself with a face full of water, so to speak, look for the hose and get it connected.

We do not need to be sprayed in the face over and over again. We do not need to work in darkness where we cannot see the details. Light can be ours, and it will lead us to change and growth. Really!!

Help a friend to ‘see’ more clearly.

Share the light. : )

Four S’s for a More Successful Year

I gave up New Year’s Resolutions many years ago. I always felt set up for failure. I have found it more useful to periodically evaluate how I am managing my life, how I am feeling about it, and what simple adjustments I could make so that I fare better. I emphasize the word simple. I also keep the list short! I want success and not overwhelm.

The first half of 2020 was challenging for me. In March, I found myself feeling like crying every day. I do not cry! I was so exhausted that it was worrisome. This all compromised my ability to remember things. Nothing outwardly changed. I looked and behaved the same, but it was taking all I had to keep living in my usual way.

Consequently, I began the process of evaluation earlier in the year than usual. What was off? What was making the difference? How was my sleep, my eating, my exercise, my relationships? I was searching for an answer to how I was feeling. In June, I had a thought that led me to a resolution. I remembered a medical condition I had dealt with over a decade and a half earlier. I went to my practitioner, got what I needed, and I was back on track. It was such a relief.

But all that thinking during the spring, all that introspection, reminded me of some behaviors that can significantly impact how we parent, how we manage relationships, how we manage ourselves, and how we feel. I thought as we enter this new year, particularly a year that will still contain Covid, lack of family, more in-home responsibility for parenting and education for some families, that you might benefit from seeing my short and simple ‘go-to’ list when I find my life a bit off-kilter. : )

Four S’s for Success

Sleep – I’ve had tons of experience with this one thing! I was a night owl. I would be up until eleven or twelve getting kids managed and into bed and putting the house back together. Afterward, I read until somewhere between 11 p.m. and 2 a.m. In the morning, I would drag myself out of bed at six or seven, depending on when my kids got up. How do you think that worked out? I’ll bet some of you know. It was a disaster. It’s virtually impossible to parent well when you can barely see for lack of sleep.

Periodically, for over 30 years, I would go in prayer and ask how I could better handle my life. I would always have the same thought, “Go to bed earlier and get up earlier.” I would dismiss the whole idea. I didn’t want to follow that counsel. I wanted my house in order, and I wanted alone time. I was convinced the only way to get either one was to stay up late. So, I resisted. After years, I got desperate. I asked a final time. The impression was the same. “Go to bed earlier and get up earlier.” But this time, I didn’t resist.

I made the decision I would go to bed earlier and get up earlier. Can I say it was hard?! It didn’t get easier after the first month, or the sixth, or even the ninth. I’ll be honest; I struggled for a full year to keep my commitment before it finally began to feel good. But I’d made a decision. I was choosing something different. It was about taking care of self.

I’ve been living this new way for a few years now, and it’s been amazing. I enjoy going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. I can’t even believe it myself! My thinking is clearer. I get to do things that make my day more productive—prayer, personal study, meditation. My whole day runs better. I remain calm more often. I have more patience, and I feel less stress.

If sleep is an issue for you and you decide to take the route I did, it may not be easy, but if you remember that simple things, consistently done over time, make significant differences, you’ll be able to persevere as long as it takes to make this your new habit.

Simplify – The word simplify means to make simpler or easier to do or understand. To simplify is a principle wise men and women have espoused throughout the ages, and with good reason. When we simplify our lives, we manage them better. We can spend more time, both mental and physical, where it matters and less on activities that are not going to matter in the long run. We open time to think. We stop spending so much time putting out fires. When we simplify our lives, we can tune into our children, our spouse, our God.

One of my past mentors said something very profound to me. It’s changed the way I make decisions about spending my time and my family’s time. She said, “Every yes is a no to something else!” Let’s make sure that what we’re saying yes to will, in the long run, bring us true happiness and stable family relationships.

How much time do you allot for technology? How often do you shop? How many hours are you spending in the car, and are you going places that matter? How much time is required to keep your closets and drawers in order? What are your commitments? What are your kid’s commitments? How often do thoughts about past hurts surface? How frequently do you feel resentment?

When you clear out stuff, heal your heart, and empty your calendar, you’ll be less overwhelmed and have more energy. You’ll be able to give more to your family. This investment in simplifying will free you up, and your life and family will be happier. When we simplify, we free up time and energy.

Self-care – Self-care is crucial for parents because it helps them maintain calm for more extended periods. Self-care facilitates patience and staves off, taking our frustrations out on our children. Self-care helps us remain free of resentment, exhaustion, or feeling depleted. It keeps us healthier. Self-care allows us to tune into the joy and satisfaction of having children, even during overly busy or chaotic days.

Self-care benefits not only us but also our whole family. It’s an investment in our family relationships, rather than a selfish indulgence. Self-care is a choice.

You’re going to spend far more time with your children than you’re going to spend without them, so it’s imperative to learn how to self-care while you’re in the thick of parenting. It’s simple, it’s doable, and it takes small amounts of time and virtually no money; but it can and will pay huge dividends.
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Self-care can be as simple as having a cup of herbal tea while you read to your children. It might be taking a few deep breaths while soothing a screaming child. You could turn on your favorite music and dance in the living room with your kids. Add laughter! Self-care can be taking a walk with your children to take the edge off the day. Sitting in the swing and watching your children play can give you fresh air and a breather from all that you’re feeling pressed to do. Go to the bathroom more often if that’s what will buy you a few moments alone.

Being kind to yourself will make life feel lighter, and your relationships will improve. You’ll feel happier overall. Your self-esteem will go up. You’ll be a better parent. In short, when you care for yourself, you care for your family.

Season – Let me show you two Christmas trees. In 2019 I had two grandchildren born, one in July and one on Dec. 30. This Christmas, both sets of parents pondered what to do about their Christmas trees. They have older children. They like their homes to look festive. In the end, they adjusted for the season they are in. One kept all the ornaments on the top half of the tree. The other had a very small tree on a tabletop. It isn’t what they love or do every year, but it is what they did this year. Your season matters and when you honor the season you find yourself in, things feel more peaceful. They could have spent the whole season spanking baby hands or grieving over broken family mementos. But they choose to respect the season their family was in.

When you have a new baby, managing your life is entirely different from when you have a couple of teens. When we simplify how we decorate our home, what is on our to-do list and calendar according to the season we find ourselves in, we will be happier and less overwhelmed. We will feel more peace and manage everything better.

This year why not take a careful and honest look at how you are handling the four S’s in your life. With a few simple adjustments, you may have a more peaceful and successful year.

We could all use this reminder. Why not share with another parent?

You can raise amazing children. I promise!

As I was raising our children, I made many mistakes. I was not gentle enough. I was a yeller. Sometimes I did not listen. I could be stern.

On my birthday this year, my children told me how much they loved our family and me. They reminded me how much their friends loved coming to our home. I have even heard from some of those friends, how much our family and our home meant to them. I was astonished, grateful, and heartened.

What My Kids Said

Here are some of their comments, paraphrased. I’m not sharing them so you think well of me but because I want to make a point about imperfect parenting.

“Mom, you are so wise and self-governed. I am grateful to you. Our friends wanted to come over for dinner and play because of the security you offered in our space.” Jenny

“Mom, I want you to feel super loved. I wouldn’t choose anyone else for my mother.” Marie

“You’re an amazing woman. The things you have accomplished are truly wonderful. I’m so proud to say you’re my mom.” Seth

Last night I was thinking about you quite a bit. I was thinking about our growing up. We had a lot of struggles and a bunch of kids. We kids never saw anything or understood how hard that was. Now we are adults, and we know it. And then you took in all the neighbor kids as well. It’s just amazing. I appreciate what you did. You and dad were amazing, big time. Look what amazing kids we all are. It’s from you guys.” Andrew

“I get to talk to a lot of my friends about their families because they struggle and aren’t connected. I have a hard time relating. We are connected, and I’m grateful we have such an amazing family. We do love and care about each other. We don’t take that for granted.” Jodie

Some of these comments came with tears as well as smiles. I was blown away!

It’s easy to remember all the things you didn’t do that you wish you had done. It is easy to remember all the wretched things you did that you wish you hadn’t done. It’s hard to know what your children are going to take away from the experience of being part of your family. Often, as I have discovered, it’s better than you think.

Raising a Family Can Be the Best and Worst of Times

I have said that raising my family was “the best of times; it was the worst of times.” These words from the Charles Dickens novel A Tale of Two Cities describe how I felt perfectly. In fact, in 1996, at the height of our family problems, that is what I wrote under our family photo.

I remember the fun we had: breakfast on the tailgate of our old pickup truck at the park, quiet conversations while weeding in the early dawn hours. We canned together, read as a family, and ate dinner, and talked. We had fun at bath time, during nighttime cuddles, and while sitting together at church. These were memorable and satisfyingly ordinary days. These were the best of times.

I also have seared on my mind the struggles we shared as a family of nine—a husband who traveled for a living, drug abuse, premarital sex and a child born out of wedlock, thoughts of suicide, failure in school, smoking, alcoholism, lack of belief in one’s value as a person, quitting school, abandoning church, a mother who yelled, managing feelings of despair, and coming to terms with same-sex attraction. These were the worst of times.

That is why I have shared some of my birthday messages with you. If our family can experience what we did, and still come out so well, then so can yours.

You won’t, and, frankly, can’t do everything right. Your children will struggle as they grow. You’ll struggle to do all that’s required in your chosen vocation as a parent. You will fall short and make mistakes. It is part of the process of being human, of being in a family.

Perfect isn’t what makes good parents and families. Those who stay the course, even when they’re not doing as well as it could be done, they are the amazing parents that will raise amazing children. I promise!