Category: Personal Growth

A Series of Conversations – The Dissolution of a Story

As I’ve mentioned before, there’s a story that has caused me grief. I’ve worked on rewriting it, but it continues to morph as I move into my 9th year of caregiving. Despite the work I’ve done and the changes I’ve made, it still rears its ugly head and causes negative emotions. When it does, I take immediate control and look at how the story has changed. It’s annoying and sometimes exhausting to rework an old story, but this one has been particularly tough. I suspect that’s because, as a caregiver, I live a life that makes it easy for the story to creep in.

Originally, it was, “There’s no room in my life for me.” Then it morphed to, “I’m constantly interrupted, and I never get my own stuff done.” There have been other iterations. As I said, a toughie.

The Most Recent Version

Here it is: “Everything, even if good and for my benefit, is just one more thing on my plate.” Can you see how it has jumped from one thought to another, but is basically the same? This version of that old story isn’t any healthier and makes caring for my family harder on some days. I continued to pray for help. The goal was to explode it into pieces so it wouldn’t keep morphing itself. : )

Disengaging

Four years ago, I began feeling a push from God to develop a community outside of the one I enjoyed once a week at church. I wasn’t happy with that thought. I mean, the story was there. Even if it was good for me, it would just be one more thing to manage in my packed life. Sigh!

However, I listened to God and myself, and I knew it was wise. It took a couple of years for me to move, but move I eventually did. I called my friend, Linda. We had been friends and spoke on the phone almost every day for over twenty years while I lived in Laurel, Montana. We decided to make it a consistent call and set a date for every three months. After each call, we would schedule another appointment three months out. We both knew from experience that if we didn’t set aside time and honor it, it wouldn’t happen. We had only spoken every two or three years for the twenty-five-plus years I had been in Utah. This principle of setting a time and honoring it is true everywhere, including connecting with our children.

After that first step, other names came to mind, and I would make a call and set up a three-month appointment. I now have seven friends I connect with regularly. One of those friends, Anne, after a couple of calls, asked me if we could meet for lunch every three months and visit face-to-face. Oh, my word, I don’t do lunch, and we would each need to drive 30 minutes to meet. But we set it up and have managed for several years now. One of those seven friends and I talk every month. I’m getting better, right? : )

A year ago, I began walking with two friends several times a week. We’ve been darn consistent considering they are both still parenting and I’m caregiving. I truly enjoy these walks.

However, here’s the thing. Despite following wise counsel from God and myself, before each call, meeting, lunch, or walk, I would have this thought, “Why are you doing this. You don’t have time. This is nuts!”

At the end of each connection, whether on the phone, a walk, or lunch, I felt rested. Freer somehow. I had laughed, smiled, joked, and sometimes cried. It was liberating. It was stress-relieving. It made me feel bad that I had negative thoughts before each event, even though I experienced good results and felt better afterwards.

My RED-LETTER Day

July 25th was a red-letter day for me. What’s a red-letter day? A day that is pleasantly noteworthy or memorable. I had my scheduled walk with Alysia and Livia. That morning, I felt tired, and staying in bed another fifteen minutes would have felt good. But I realized I was looking forward to this walk. I didn’t think. “Augh, if I didn’t have this walk scheduled, I could rest another fifteen minutes. Why do I do this stuff?” No, what I thought was, “I’m glad to have a reason to get up. I want to hear about Livia’s event and how Alysia’s kids are doing.” What an amazing turnaround.

On the walk, I mentioned that I had a call coming up later that day with Joy, someone we all know. Alysia asked if I was looking forward to it. (She knows the struggle I’ve had with the story because we’re honest and have real conversations.) I stopped walking for a moment to check in with myself and realized I was anticipating the call with gladness. I was happy my walking buddy asked the question because it helped me take notice of the shift.

In my afternoon conversation with Joy, my morning experience came up. We were talking about the value and importance of having a community. Joy had mentioned that community is what increases our prosperity – not with money, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and in services rendered. We are more prosperous when we have friends who care, and whom we care for.

In that moment, I realized fully what I had begun to sense earlier that morning. There had been a shift! I began feeling anticipation before a call, a walk, or a lunch for several weeks. I wanted to be present with that person. It no longer felt like just another thing on my very full plate. The story, at least for now, has retreated. It may rear its ugly head in the future, but now I have evidence it’s false! It will be easier to send the story packing!

The New Story

Here is the new story: “God knows my needs. He knew the truth, that I would flourish in a community of friends, even though I didn’t know it. Now I do, and I am moving forward. Engaging in my community makes space for all that matters. Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” I am still working on it, but it is coming along. I repeat it daily.

It can take time to rewrite an unhealthy or unhelpful story, but when we recognise a story that is damaging or harmful, we can change it. It’s happening for me, and it’s wonderfully freeing. It can happen for you. When you recognise that you’re telling yourself something that isn’t helpful or is untrue, don’t berate yourself. Celebrate. When you can see it, you can change it, even if it takes time.

I’ve worked on this story for eight years,
and I am succeeding! : )

A Series of Conversations – Step Out of the Trench and See the Sunset

A few days before my 54th anniversary, May 28th, I spoke to my good friend, Joy. I had been down with bronchitis for three weeks. I was challenged to keep up with caregiving and was feeling down, not at all like myself.

The 100 Wants List

At the time, I was reading the book Master Your Mindpower. I haven’t finished it yet because it gives you assignments. It isn’t a fast read, but very interesting. One exercise was to make a list of 100 things you would like to see happen in your life. I didn’t know if that was possible. Caregiving requires a lot of time and emotional and mental energy. I had given up my former life as a speaker and writer to care for my family. I felt like I didn’t have any current goals or dreams. What few there were were hazy and far in the future. And I would be older, and then what could I really do? I was also challenged because I am at a place in my life where I am paring down, I don’t want more things.

Joy and I are alike, and so she understands how crossing things off my daily list is satisfying to me, but neither of us wants to spend the rest of our lives just crossing the mundane off a list. We both want goals and dreams. Joy knows what hers are and is bringing them to fruition with a house full of teens and young adults, but I was stumped. I know I’m a powerful and positive force for good, but after this long illness, I felt like quitting. I had this thought rolling around in my weary brain, “Who cares what you say anyway?” See, no matter how much you know, you can still visit the cellar. How long you stay there is what matters.:) Talking with Joy helped me climb the stairs to the light!

She reminded me that I am in the Impact phase of my life, and that’s why I feel some dissatisfaction. I have a beautiful mission statement, and I know that caring for my family matters. But it gets old. You know what I am talking about. This dilemma doesn’t go away just because your kids grow up.

A Beautiful Statement!

Joy listened to my concerns about the list and then thoughtfully said, “Being in the trenches can be gray, bland, and boring. It matters and is important, but we need something to light our light. We need to get out of the trench for a moment and see the sunset.” That was an amazing statement. My daughter Jodie, who has four teens, one with severe cerebral palsy, and works full time, stops each evening, goes outside, sits in a chair, and watches the sunset.

I took Joy’s beautiful statement to heart. It helped me work out a stinky story I was working on. I knew it was an untrue story and that I needed to rewrite it, but I wasn’t sure how. Here was the story – “I’m caregiving. I don’t know how long I’ll be doing that. Therefore, I can’t make plans. I do not have any current dreams or goals.” As I said, stinky! But Joy’s comment moved me forward. I began my list.

I wanted to see if I could do it. I haven’t reached 100 things, but I am up to 66. This isn’t bad for a 75-year-old who didn’t think she had any dreams or goals. I was amazed and happy with myself.

Want or Desire?

Not long after talking with Joy, I had a call with my friend Mary Black. The list came up again. She shared an interesting thought with me, which she read in the book A Happy Pocket Full of Money by David Cameron Gikandi. Gikandi begins his book with quantum physics and then teaches about infinite wealth and abundance through giving and fulfilling our purpose in life.

One chapter is titled Want Not. Desire, But Never Want. He defined the word want from the dictionary– “to be without. To lack, to be destitute or needy. A defect of character, of fault, to be absent, to be deficient or lacking.” He said if you’re in a state of wanting, you never get what you want. He suggested removing this word from our vocabulary and instead inserting desire or intend, depending on the situation. I changed my 100 Wants list to 100 Desires.

According to the book Master Your Mindpower, the next step is to narrow the list down to the top 10 you want to achieve in the next 12 months, and then the top 3 to do in 30 days. Because many items on my list are about changing my way of being, and I’ve been working on some of them for years, you can’t set a timeline, like 30 days or a year. Others, such as travel, are on hold while I care for those who can’t travel. But some I can move on now, and I will contemplate what to do. I don’t know how this is going to play out for me yet.

Here is what I do know – making the list was eye-opening and freeing. I am alive. I have desires and goals. They were there all the time; I just needed to let them out. This list has buoyed me up. I look at it and add to it. It makes me happy.

This exercise may help you, too if you’re surrounded by littles or teens, have a demanding, all-consuming job, a debilitating illness, etc. Sometimes it can feel like we have no life. Making this list showed me that I do, and can help you see the same, no matter your current circumstances.

Here are 25 things from my list:

• Lose the TONE and speak lovingly and kindly.
• Have extra and to spare so I can share.
• Remain calm, even when triggered.
• Care for Don, Mom, and help with Maggie as long as needed.
• Think of others even when it isn’t convenient.
• Find moments of happiness every day.
• Get my right hip replaced.
• Get better every day, in every way.
• Study something every day and incorporate the good I learn.
• Have $10,000 in savings.
• Feel good about and work well with money.
• End each day satisfied that I did my best, even if it didn’t match my daily worksheet.
• Continue to increase/nurture relationships with other women for a coming day of need.
• Speak Spanish.
• Take painting lessons.
• Dance, any kind my hip can manage.
• Write a second book.
• Visit Maine.
• Go to Missouri and see Jenny and her homestead.
• Finish my study of all 2200 scriptures about Christ in the scriptures.
• Feel happiness, the kind that isn’t about satisfaction because of work well done.
• Go to California and spend a week with Andrew’s family.
• Go to Washington and spend a week with Kate and her family.
• Attend a church service at Gracewoods, in Missouri
• Take a trip to see Marie and her family soon.

As you can see, there aren’t many ‘things’ on the list, and many are changes in my way of being. At this juncture in my life, that’s where my desires lie: becoming better every day, in every way. This is a truth statement I repeat out loud daily.

The things on my list of desires matter to me, and I have time to accomplish them in my life. Some are restricted for now, like going to Maine, but many have nothing to do with time; more to do with intention and choice.

I’m interested to see how many I cross off before I die. Knowing me and how much I love crossing things off my list, I suspect it will be all of them. : )

Making this list of desires and looking at it every day helps me step out of the trench for a moment and see the sunset. It has made a difference.

Ahh, working on the list – Find moments of happiness every day!

A Series of Conversations – Do You Need a Reminder to SMILE

How Can You Remind Yourself to Care for Self?

On my daily worksheet, I have ‘smile’ in the section titled Care for Self. Yup, I must remind myself to check in and see if I have made the effort to smile during some of my busy and often chaotic days. Sorta sounds like your days, doesn’t it, as you wrangle littles or manage teens? : ) Recently, I had a conversation with my friend, Livia. She has an alarm set on her phone that reminds her to smile. Whew, I am not so weird.

The truth is, we need prompts to remind us to do the things that often get left behind in the business of the day. These are like mini systems. I use a daily worksheet, and Livia uses an alarm. It doesn’t matter how you set up your mini system, as long as it works for you.

I do have a few alarms set on my phone to remind me about important things. You know, the things that trump laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking, and so forth. Here are a few of mine: phone a family member, care for the dog, make sure Don took his meds, etc. I also have things on my daily worksheet I want to remember: read, be alone, even if it’s only for five minutes, sing, take a walk, pray, read my truth statements aloud, study, and so forth. I don’t get everything crossed off every day, but the goal is to cross off enough so that I have fed my soul, as I have cared for others.

I use my daily worksheet, Livia uses alarms on her phone, and some people put notes on the bathroom mirror or over the kitchen sink. All these mini systems help us remember to care for ourselves in simple ways. These mini systems help us be more consistent, and consistency yields better results. As you can see from my worksheet and phone alarms, there isn’t anything big on the list. They’re all simple. Small in their scope, but big in accumulated results.

During the coming week, think about the simple, daily things that would bring you inner peace and outer joy. Then find a way to prompt yourself to get them done.

It will help you be healthy, remain more positive, feel less resentment, have greater energy, and feel successful at the end of the day.

A series of Conversations – Get Lost, Herkimer!

I have had this recurring thought in the last five years – “Why are you writing? You aren’t raising kids anymore. You aren’t homeschooling. You’re getting older. Are you even relevant?” Then I get an email from a young mom thanking me for helping her see what she couldn’t see, or from an older mother or grandmother thanking me for reminding her of what she already knew.

A Conversation That Mattered

Once a month, I talk with my friend Joy Petty. I LOVE these calls. They are interesting and resource-filled. Sometimes I share something that helps her, and she does the same for me. We both go away elevated. On one of our recent calls, the subject of how I have been feeling about writing came up. The reason it happened was that Joy said a recent article was just what she needed. She was going to be teaching a class on forms, the old word for systems. Some of what I wrote about systems was helpful to her. I was blown away.

This was the second time in two days I had received a reminder that I am relevant and that my writing blesses others. (One of the truth statements I repeat daily is about how my writing benefits others. Always working on my story.) The night before my call with Joy, I received an email from an old and dear friend, Heidi Totten. We had worked together for a few years, but our paths diverged, and we hadn’t connected for some time. In the email were three words. “I Love This!!” I didn’t even know she still read what I wrote, after all these years.

Joy and Heidi’s words filled my soul with joy. We all want to matter. We all want to make a difference. We all want our mission, whatever it is now, to be of value to someone.

Joy reminded me to write for those who can hear what I have to say, even if the world has changed and many of the younger generation are not yet ready to hear. Joy admonished me, saying, “Our learning, what we have experienced and now understand, matters even if only to one person.” I know this. I am reminded each time someone reaches out to tell me how much what I said has impacted them for the better. Christ always worked with the one. Each person mattered, not just the audience of 5000.

We all have seasons or phases. Right now, mine is loving my family and attending to their needs and writing when I can. Joy reminded me of something I know and have taught. I am in the impact stage of my life, or as it is sometimes called, the grandparent stage. Joy reminded me not to worry, but to put something of value into the world. In time, the younger generations will be ready to hear as they enter a new phase or season of their own. She said, “There is great meaning and purpose to what you are doing. What you’re doing is huge!”

Why am I sharing this conversation with you?

Why would I let you in on one of my weaknesses, occasionally doubting my value in the world? Aren’t I supposed to be the teacher, to have it all together? Well, I am your teacher, and I’m teaching you something important by sharing a real-life example. I know each of you struggles in this same way because we’re all human, imperfect, and prone to doubt ourselves.

I want to help you remember what Joy reminded me. Your imperfect offering is valuable. Possibly, you parent and don’t work outside the home. There are negative vibes about that. Maybe you parent and work outside the home. Hmmm, still negative vibes. Some of your children may have left the path you taught them to walk, whether it’s values, spirituality, work ethic, family traditions, etc. The feeling of failure and being judged is there, causing us to ask ourselves, “Is what I am doing making any difference at all?”

This is a common place to find ourselves. What can we do to step out of this feeling that somehow what we’re doing isn’t valuable, good enough, pertinent, or heard? As Joy and I talked about this, she came up with a most hilarious solution. It is a simple system. LOL She said, “Why don’t you give this thought that reoccurs a name? What about Herkimer? Then, when you have the thought, you can tell Herkimer to get lost.” I LOVED that idea, and I know how to implement it because it’s similar to what I have done for many years, when I have a negative thought about myself.

I decided those thoughts weren’t mine, but from a source that wanted to defeat me. So, whenever a negative thought came into my mind, I would look to the right and say something like this, out loud: “Get Lost. Is that the best you can do? That is a big lie, I am so not that, and so forth. Yes, I would say it out loud, even in the grocery store or wherever I was. People sometimes looked at me funny. I would smile, and the thought would be gone. It worked so well. I LOVED doing it. However, as research has shown, when we have a pattern or system that is working, we sometimes begin using it less. That has happened to me, and this conversation with Joy has gotten me back on track.

This article is about our story, our perception of what we’re bringing to the world. The more we can confirm to ourselves the value of our current mission, the better we will manage it. This is important and matters. When we continually reaffirm that we have a place and a mission that matters, regardless of how imperfect the results may look at the time, we hang on and do better. My current mission isn’t what I planned or thought I would be doing, but it matters, both the caregiving and the writing, even at my age and in my phase of life.

I have decided to return to regularly using what I know works, but now it has a name. : ) I am again taking control of my story about my mission, my purpose, and my value to the world, and how writing fits into that. I hope you will ponder this. Are you embracing an unhelpful story about your mission?

If so, give it a name, and then regularly tell it to GET LOST.

A series of Conversations – Words and Phrases – Simple Tools to Manage Big Things

I have the opportunity to talk with women of different ages about many things. It’s one of the perks of my life. This summer, I am sharing ‘A Series of Conversations’ – Articles that have come out of conversations with friends. I’m sure they will be what someone needs to hear, as they have been for me.

The information doesn’t come from a place of education or an expert; it comes from women like you and me, with life experience in the trenches.

One of Those Days!

Recently, I had one of those days when I didn’t want to talk with anyone. I was tired and feeling down. I was still carrying the weight of the day before, which was long and chaotic, and the weight of this new day, which would be more of the same. However, on Tuesdays, I walk with my friend Livia. I wanted to cancel but didn’t let myself. I was glad I followed my feelings because my friend, uncharacteristically, was in the same place. We had a good laugh over this unexpected connection. On our walk, we listened to each other, allowed ourselves to feel, and buoyed each other up. It helped us emotionally and mentally prepare for the day and the coming week.

On our walk, we discussed the question we were both dealing with: How do you hang in when things are hard, may stay hard for a while, and may not end as you hope? The answer came in single words and short phrases that have helped us over the years.

Words & Phrases

YET – In our conversation, Livia brought up the word YET. Using this word gives space for thought and growth, and can lead to clarity, and keep us from beating ourselves or others up. For example, “I haven’t learned this yet.” “They haven’t decided yet.” “This isn’t resolved yet.” YET is a powerful word that can help us manage the story we’re telling ourselves and help us have a clearer perspective.

RIGHT NOW – The phrase, Right Now, was the next idea we shared. It can be pivotal when dealing with what you have little control over. For example, “This is what it is for right now.” “Right now, I can do this.” “This is useful to me right now.” “This won’t last forever, but I need a plan for right now.”

As we talked about ‘right now’, we felt this short phrase helped us keep at the forefront of our minds the knowledge that nothing is stagnant, everything grows, and things change, but this is what it is for right now, and we can do it because it won’t stay where it is. Like the word YET, RIGHT NOW helps us manage the story we are carrying and keeps our perspective clearer. Both keep us out of the negative, which is rarely a helpful place to be.

SIMPLE, EASY, FUN, and PRAYER – We are both caregivers, and technology isn’t an issue there. But Livia is a business teacher and life coach, and I am a writer. We use technology, and it keeps changing, like everything else. For example, I know how to use my writing platform right now, but… We did a lot of laughing at this point in the conversation because we both have wanted to bang on our computers or throw our phones against the wall. Here again, the words YET and RIGHT NOW are useful.

When I am in tech trouble, I pray because I know I will see or think of something I have missed. It happens EVERY TIME! It always amazes me when I work something out and don’t even know for sure what I did. Livia told me that when tech is making her crazy, she has a simple mantra she repeats to herself to maintain calm and peaceful while figuring it out: “This is simple, this is easy, this is fun.” She said, “It helps keep the lid on my frustration.” I’ve been giving this a try, and it is helpful, like prayer.

HEARTS- I received a gift from Livia. It isn’t as much about words as it is about looking for the good and seeing the blessings. Years ago, Livia began noticing hearts everywhere. As she and I have walked together over the last year, she has taught me to see them. She says they are her moment-by-moment messages from God, that she is seen, loved, and cared for.

I’ve been looking for hearts for some time now. Recently, I saw a perfect heart in the clouds. There was a bright blue patch, surrounded by clouds, in the shape of a heart. I couldn’t pull over to take a photo, but I had seen it. It had been one of those busy, chaotic mornings, and seeing the heart helped me breathe and smile.

One day, as I pushed my mom’s wheelchair down the street, something I didn’t have time for, but she needed, I saw a perfect heart in a bush. What! How can that be? But there it was, a gift from God for taking time to care for and love another despite my list. Both Livia and I ask to see hearts when we need to lift our spirits, change our perspective, or improve our story. It has become a practice for me, as it has been for Livia for years.

Words Matter!

Life has its hard moments, its hard weeks, months, and sometimes, years. We are often called on missions we didn’t plan on. Sometimes, we need to change course when we would rather not. Things don’t always go our way. But we can use the word YET, the phrase RIGHT NOW, to manage hard things, like technology, by remembering PRAYER, SIMPLE, EASY, and FUN, and look for HEARTS to help us stay centered, happy, and hopeful; a few simple tools to manage big things.

As we practice keeping our perspective clear, as we work on telling ourselves more helpful stories, we can and will live better, more fulfilling lives.

Words matter! They do. Ultimately, all we can control or change is ourselves. We do that best when we find ways (systems) that help us manage the story we tell ourselves, when we keep a handle on our perspective, and as Livia put it, “Keep a lid on frustration.” Staying on top of what we tell ourselves is a practice, and as we get better and more consistent at doing it, life lightens up, even when the circumstances stay the same. This isn’t resolved YET. It is what it is RIGHT NOW. I can manage technology and other hard things as I keep it SIMPLE, believe in EASY, look for the FUN, and see HEARTS. Messages of love, hope, and change are everywhere. : )

These words and phrases are simple tools to manage big things.

Do You Yell? Become a Student Learning to be Calm

Two weeks ago, in the article Effective Family Systems, I mentioned I overcame yelling by devising a simple system. It worked, but it took ten years of practice. That’s a long time, but I had few resources. We didn’t have computers when I began the process; that left books, if you knew what to read, or friends, if you had any who weren’t also yelling. Fortunately, I had one of those, and she gave me great ideas.

It’s been over three decades since I stopped yelling, so it was worth the time it took to get a handle on it. That isn’t to say that I don’t occasionally lose it. Of course, I do, because I’m human. However, yelling is no longer my go-to method for handling problems.

This topic of remaining in control of our responses to deal better with family issues came up frequently when I was mentoring mothers and fathers. Recently, while rereading articles I had written years ago, I ran across one with a note I received from a mom who wondered how to do what I had done. Here’s what she asked:

“I wanted to thank you again for a great class. I wondered if you could tell me more about the yelling you used to do. I grew up in that type of household, and swore I would never be like that… but guess what, I do? I’d love to hear how you mastered that part of your life. I didn’t do it when I only had 1 or 2 children and they were little. But the more children that came and the older they got, the more I slipped into it. Do you mind sharing what helped you?”

I answered her privately, and we had several wonderful conversations. She found it helpful, and I knew it could benefit others. So, in May of 2011, right around Mother’s Day, I published what I had learned and practiced, and what I shared with her. This was a perfect topic for a day that is hard for many women because they aren’t perfect in this arena. I was one of those back in the yelling days.

What I shared with this sincere mother in 2011 is worth sharing again in 2025 because we have new moms, older mothers, and grandmothers who still struggle with using yelling to deal with family problems. So here goes. Enjoy, learn, and if needed, implement.

How to Stop Yelling – Ten Tips

After reading this mother’s note, does it remind you of you? I’ve received several emails like the one above. Many of us have a difficult time working out our frustration without yelling at our children. I’m certainly no expert on this. However, I used to yell and now I don’t. I can share some things that helped me get a handle on my ability to respond more calmly in the face of frustration and even anger.

1. You can’t just say you’re going to stop yelling. You must have a mental plan about what to do instead. You can’t replace something with nothing. This was the beginning of my simple system.

2. Be sure you’re not secretly frustrated or angry at your husband. When we don’t deal with the sticky parts of our marriage relationship, it can cause anger and resentment. Being in this state, even if you aren’t consciously aware of it, can lead to yelling at your children, because it’s safer and easier than yelling at a spouse. I’ve read this in books, and it was taught in a class I attended many years after I conquered my yelling habit. Your marriage relationship will affect how you manage your children.

3. See your children as people, not as problems, interruptions, etc. See them as people with needs. For example, when my 3-year-old grandson was being a pill, his mom would stop, get down to his level, and say, “What’s wrong, little son?” When I watched her, I knew she was ticked off, but chose to respond in a kind and respectful way. It’s part of her system for managing frustration. It’s a decision she has made and practices. She knows if her kids are crying, misbehaving, hitting, fighting, etc., there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. Although it isn’t easy, it has become a habit for her, and she does it most of the time.

4. Practice being present. Parents who are present are better able to STOP and look at a situation and see it for what it is. The better we focus on another person and not on our need to ‘move on’ to the next thing, the better we can handle frustration, disappointment, and anger. P.S. Being engrossed in technology can be a real issue. So, STOP using it, put it down, turn away, and focus on your child.

5. Learn to manage stress. There are as many ways to do this as there are people, and you could fill a library with the books written on the subject. I’ve written several articles on this topic. I used to take hot baths at night and read. I outgrew that stress reliever. Now I shower and pray because I can fit that in, and a bath requires more time than I can give. I also utilize mini meditations that I learned from the book “Eight Minute Meditation” by Victor Davich. Very helpful.

6. Get enough sleep and eat right. Moms really mess this one up. We stay up late trying to get it all done or give ourselves alone time, and then struggle to manage our frustration the next day because we’re tired. Get on a reasonable sleep schedule. Our patience is more easily strained when we aren’t. We also eat over the sink, in the car, anywhere but at the table, sitting down and resting. Learn to eat sitting down, even if you only get five minutes.

7. Stop over-scheduling yourself and your family. Simplify your life.

8. Pray. I consider this the most important point of all! Prayer is the best medicine for anger and yelling. You can feel peace, a greater desire to be kind, and a sense of hope that you can become calm and collected most of the time.

9. Believe that you can be a calm person. What we believe is much easier to accomplish. It took me many years to believe that I could change, that yelling wasn’t in my blood, or that it wasn’t how we Cazier’s handled things. Today, I have an affirmation I say daily to help me ‘believe’ that what I want is what I can be or have.

10. Focus on when you do well. What we focus on, we get more of. When you fall off the wagon and yell, say you’re sorry, forgive yourself, and move on; stop ruminating over it, telling others about it, berating yourself, or beating yourself up for failing. Stop cementing in your mind that you are a “yeller”. What you are is a student learning to be calm. Focus on that!

Overcoming a ‘way of being’ takes effort and time. It’s facilitated as you determine what to do or how to be, instead. A system, knowing the consistent steps to take, will help you be successful.

Effective Family systems – Tips for success

This week, as I walked with my friends Livia and Alysia, the conversation turned to their teens and the issues surrounding accomplishing things at home. At one point, Livia mentioned the need for successful systems. I told them how interesting the conversation was because I was working on my article for today, and it was about creating systems that work. Life can be so serendipitous. : )

When I began speaking and teaching, I met a woman who became a friend and mentor, Kim Flynn. She was a systems specialist and helped me and other women find time to build businesses and successfully raise a family by using simple and workable systems. At the time, Kim had owned five successful businesses while raising her family. However, long before she began business building, she was learning to use systems successfully in her home.

I spent plenty of time in Kim’s home and with her children. I saw firsthand how well she did the very thing she taught others to do. The drawer you are looking at was in her office. She had never reordered it since it was put together, several years before, because she had a system for its management and consistently used it. It never became a junk or catch-all drawer.

You may be thinking, “That’s all well and good, but I have kids who make chaos of everything”. When I took this photo, Kim had four children, ranging in age from 2 to 11. She included them in her systems, and they learned to respect and value the freedom that systems bring. They had learned that a good system provides more time, order, and peace in a family.

I mentored mothers on parent-child connections for over fifteen years, and this one thing came up over and over again – the need for systems that worked and a family that would use them. Recently, I’ve been thinking about the value of systems. I suspect that’s because I’ve needed a couple of new ones this year.

I use systems for everything. I am a systems guru myself. I’ve been teaching my grands about systems for the last fifteen years that we have shared the same living space. It has saved me from hunting for my scissors, tape, the milk, or butter jar (yes, they get borrowed), and many other things that would engender frustration if I had to look for them all the time.

Years ago, one of the mothers I mentored asked me how I overcame my yelling habit. I wasn’t sure how to answer her at the time, but I gave it some thought. I realized I had developed a simple system. You can’t say, “I’m never going to do such and such again” and think that’s all it takes. Willpower is never enough to bring lasting change. What I did was devise a plan, a system, if you will, for what I was going to do instead of yelling. I came up with something and began using it. It wasn’t easy. It took determination and time, lots of both.

As I thought about the process I used all those years ago, I realized that the hardest part was continuing to use the system once I had figured it out. Yes, consistency was the hardest part. Years ago, I read a piece of research that showed that often, when people find a system that works to resolve a sticky situation, they soon abandon it and return to their old, unsuccessful way of managing. Interesting!

Another problem that can mess with a good system is not enrolling your family. They have no reason to keep the system going. They think it’s for your convenience and have no vested interest. Consequently, eventually there is a mess or a missing item and you must spend extra time to reorganize or find it.

During the time spent in Kim’s home, I noticed that she not only had simple and successful systems, but she had gotten her family to enroll in the systems and, for the most part, they used them successfully. I took notes and want to share them with you.

Tips to Enroll Yourself and Your Family in Simple Systems

Ask enrolling questions
Ask yourself and your family to participate
Let your family know what’s in it for them
Then earn the right to tell, teach, or request anything of them or yourself

Example One – Overcoming Procrastination, Doing The Dishes

a. Ask yourself enrolling questions. Write your response.

How would it feel to have a clean kitchen every morning?
Wouldn’t it feel refreshing to never feel guilty about dishes again?

b. Welcome yourself to participate. Give yourself a pep talk. Write your simple pep talk down. You can put it by your bed to read daily or tape it over the sink. : )

This is an exciting adventure. I’m organizing the kitchen and getting the dishes done daily. I’m having a good time watching myself grow. I’m excited!

c. Let yourself know what’s in it for you. Add it to your pep talk.

When the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean, I am free to spend time with my family. I feel happy and energized. Starting the day without dishes is wildly freeing!

d. Earn the right to ask for this change from yourself. Add this to your pep talk.

I have done a magnificent job organizing my Sunday School class for well over two years now. I know I can organize myself and get the dishes done, just like I do with my Sunday School class.

Once you are enrolled you will have made a firmer commitment to the change. You won’t be perfect, but you’ll be successful. Whenever you find yourself flagging in your efforts, re-enroll yourself. It helps if you read your pep talk daily till you master your new system. If a system involves your family, then see the example below for enrolling them.

Example 2 – Getting Simple Chores Done Before School.

a. Ask enrolling questions.

Would you like to be free to rest, eat a snack, or be with a friend after school?
Can I show you how we could do that?

b. Welcome them to participate.

I appreciate you guys talking with me this morning. I think I have a powerful idea to share with you that you’re going to love. It is going to be so freeing and restful.

c. Let them know what’s in it for them.

The question I have been thinking about is, how we can free up more time in the afternoon to do things we want to do. When we free up time, you’ll be able to lay on the couch and enjoy a snack without having to rush. On some days, you’ll have time to watch a video or engage with your phone. Sometimes you can even have a friend over.

E. Earn the right to make this suggestion.

I have been your mom for over 12 years, and I know a lot about getting things done really fast to make time for rest and fun. I’ve been practicing this for a long time, and I know a lot about it.

Now lay out your plan for how the chores can get done before school time. Then make sure that the rewards happen! (This will work best if you only ask for what can be done in the available time before school. For example – make the bed, put PJs away, dirty clothes in the hamper, and toys in the closet.)

The Point of This Article Is…

To encourage you to experiment with simple systems that will work for your family, systems that you can commit to and enroll your family in. The ultimate reward for this effort is saving time, reduced frustration, living with less chaos, and having more peace. When we don’t implement systems, we live by default. Our system becomes ‘no system’. This prevents a family from functioning as effectively as it could.

Look around. What’s one thing that’s bugging you? (I said ONE thing!) How could you turn it into a simple system? Now, enroll your family in the effort to make the change. They might even have some great input as to what the system could look like.

I have systems for everything – where my glasses are kept, remembering to use my c-pap, managing the dishes, getting to bed on time, managing my mother’s clothes so she knows how to find them, making sure everyone gets the right meds, at the right time, who is in charge of what, where the tape, glue, and scissors are housed, when the laundry gets done and how, garbage management, and the list goes on!

I can promise you, simple systems, used consistently, make a huge difference in your peace of mind and in family management!

An Example That Will Bless Our Children

This week, I began cleaning the top shelves that encircle my living room and the two bedrooms. It’s a big job, requires a ladder, and the accumulated dust is incredible. I only do this once a year.

As I dusted the books, I thought: “One day I will be sitting at the table reading all these wonderful books, learning so much. It’s going to be amazing.” I was thinking about the years between ninety and one hundred, yes, I plan to be around that long and won’t be alone until then. LOL I wouldn’t be caregiving, going to lots of doctors’ appointments, or running grands to and fro. So, it stands to reason that I would have more time for what I have always loved, learning.

However, waiting until I am in my nineties to do something that I know is valuable today is silly. Then I recalled my daily affirmation/commitments that I read every morning without fail. Here is a new statement for 2025: “I read, study, and write daily. As I fill my mind with truth and knowledge, my soul expands, my wisdom increases, and I am blessing others.”

The truth is, I am not waiting until I can sit uninterrupted to learn, grow, and share with others. I am doing it now, amid the chaos of a four-generation home, caregiving, and a busy life. This is something we can all do.

An Example

I worked with a mom who pushed her kids to learn. She was after them all the time. It became harder and harder for all of them. I asked her why she felt desperate and pushed her kids so hard. Here is what she shared. She believed she had wasted a lot of her childhood not learning. She left high school with mediocre grades. She hadn’t read many books. She felt uneducated. She was determined to save her kids from her fate. Yet for all her good intentions, she was having a daily fight with her two oldest children.

Here is what I know about this woman. She is intelligent and talented. She runs her own successful business. Her home is clean and orderly. Her children are learning, active in sports, music, and socially. She has a growing marriage relationship. This mother began homeschooling in hopes of helping her children feel smarter and more accomplished than she felt. She was getting the same results she had seen when they were in public education.

This woman felt like a failure because of what she believed about her past. She has felt for decades that she isn’t smart. However, all she has accomplished in the present belies that story. Many adults share this woman’s experience. I homeschooled my last two, but Kate has always felt uneducated. So, this isn’t about what educational system we choose. It’s about how we view learning, our families, and our own.

Do we make time for learning?
Do we give our children an example of someone who values growing and changing?
Do we read?
Do we read to our kids? Family reading can be life-changing.
Do we allocate time to share what we learn with each other?
Are books and audiobooks available?

You Do It First!

One of the best ways to help our children love learning and make it a part of their lives is for us to do it first; to be an example of the power of learning and growing.

I suggested to this devoted mother that she begin learning and let her children see her doing it; begin trusting that she is smart and can learn. I suggested she read for herself and to her family, and that they have dinner conversations about ideas and thoughts. I told her it would be wise to read what her kids read and discuss those books. I suggested that she read an occasional hard book and then tell her children about the Ahas she has. What about letting them see you taking notes? Maybe have a family book club if your kids are adults. In short, model a love of learning and how you are growing and changing because of it.

Everyone must learn to love growth. We do that personally by reading, studying, conversing about what we are learning, and sometimes, being mentored. We help build this love in our children by modeling it for them.

Ways to Model Learning and Growth

Don’t wait for the chaos to leave; find ways now. Put a book in the bathroom and read one paragraph whenever you go in that room. It may not feel like much, but I promise you will read more than you think possible, and you will bless the lives of your children and eventually your grandchildren.
Listen to audiobooks.
Have mini conversations and dinner conversations. This is facilitated when we have something to share, ask good questions, and eat together occasionally. : )
Have books available. I read things way above my level when I was a girl because my father returned to college when he had nine children. The books were everywhere, so I read them. I didn’t understand much, but enough to keep me interested.

My children have commented as adults that my continued growth has helped them do the same. I am merely sharing what I have experienced as a youth, a mother, and now as a grandmother. Think about this. What interests you? What do you want to know more about? What could you read that sounds interesting right here, at home, right now? Be brave and begin.

Anyone Can Have an Enlarged Perspective

Last fall, on a walk with a friend, Livia asked me how I got such an enlarged perspective growing up in the era I did. It is because my parents were learners. My mom sang, led music, and taught classes in church and her craft store. My dad was a reader and always had books lying around. He talked with many people. They were both open to learning.

I married a man who isn’t a reader. I read to him and help him listen to talks and podcasts. His greatest gift is his ability to connect with people. He is full of questions and learns a great deal as he listens. This comes naturally for him, but I have to work on it. : )

While looking at old cards and letters, I found something I had written to Don early in our parenting, probably in our forties– “…the better able you are to communicate with deity and others, the more the turmoil dies down like a boiling pot being stirred. It’s still boiling, the turmoil and need to change are still there, but the stirring keeps it from boiling over or becoming more than is bearable.”

This is what our continuing education helps us with – perspective and keeping the pot from boiling over.

Don’t put your learning and growth on hold for a more convenient or quiet time. It can be done at home, in small moments now, and shared with those you love.

It’s part of the legacy you give to your children.

Our Perception is Vital to Our Sense of Wellbeing Part 2

One evening, my husband Don was watching Sci-Fi on TV. I was cooking and could hear it. A man said to a woman, “To heal your wounds, you must see the past clearly.”

This woman had been mad at her mother her whole life. Her mother was killed in the jungle while trying to catch a spider known for its miraculous healing properties. Before dying, the mother delivered her child, who lived. The woman believed her mother went because of the wealth the spider would bring. She wondered why her mother had cared so little about her unborn child.

The man sent the woman into the past, to the jungle. She saw her mother’s excitement when they caught the spider. She saw her mother being attacked, then deliver her baby, and die. Those helping the mother used the spider venom on the baby’s tiny body. The woman had not known that her life was in danger, and her mother had gone into the jungle to save her.

When the woman returned to the present, she said to the man, “I didn’t know she was trying to save me. I didn’t have all the information and assumed she didn’t love me enough to keep herself out of harm’s way.” This woman physically returned to the past to get facts and clarity about something she didn’t understand, and it was life-changing.

I have heard all my life that you can’t change the past. You can’t go back. You have to let it go and move on. I no longer accept this counsel. I have experienced that we can change the past, at least in our minds, how it affects our present and future, and you don’t need to go there physically to do it.

The second perception experience was with my 50+ year old son, Seth. He has lived on Jodie’s property, where I live in our four-generation home, for over a year. It’s been nice to have his presence and help. We have all benefited, including Seth. His reason for coming here, from Montana, which he loves, was to take a series of classes to help him do some healing work. You see, no one’s past is trauma-free. It is the bag thing. : )

After Seth finished his classes, he began working as staff/support for others on the same path. That fulfilling way to spend time is what has anchored him here. A few weeks ago, after working at a session, he had the opportunity to share an experience, to illustrate to those in the session that yes, you can change the past. The listeners were moved. Since then, he has been asked to share with others.

I asked Seth to write his experience so I could share it with you.

The Fundamentals of Changing Your Past by Seth Johnson

I am sure many of us, at different points in our lives, have said, “If I could just go back in the past and change that one thing, my life would be so different”. That sentiment is something I have said to myself hundreds of times.

Is it possible to change your past?

Yes, it is. You may be asking yourself, “How is that possible?” Well, it’s possible through rewriting the story and changing your perception of the memory you acquired through that experience. What does that mean?

What are the fundamentals of our past?

The fundamental aspect of our past is not the actual experience but the perception we create in our memory of that experience, which can either be good or bad in relation to how it affects our life. So, by rewriting our perception of the past, we then change our past.

A Real-life Example

“I spent 20 years hating my ex-wife. I told myself that she was a terrible person, that she destroyed my life, and the self-confidence I had, that I would never forgive her for stealing my dog, etc. etc. I have spent the last year and a half going through some personal development training and although what I am speaking of here was not necessarily one of the topics in class, I found this knowledge along the way.

The answer to changing my past was through rewriting the story, thus changing my perception of how I feel about her. I do not hate her anymore, and I never actually did. I truly love her and wish her the best in life. She did not destroy my self-confidence. I chose to be in a situation that created a beautiful learning experience. Not everything was bad; we shared beautiful times, and we loved each other in the way we knew how to love, which was distorted through early experiences in life regarding love. Neither of us knew how to show love healthily.

I chose to carry that hate and hurt for 20 years. It was never about the actual things she did along the way. I wasn’t perfect either and played a part in it all. It was the perceptions I placed into my memories regarding the so-called “bad things” she had done. The moment I re-wrote the story, it changed the perception of the story of my past, thus changing my past.”

Our Perception Does Matter

When something good or bad happens, we perceive others’ intentions and motives. Then we create our story around what we have chosen to believe. That isn’t always bad. But occasionally it’s helpful to rewrite a story and take a second look at an experience, if it is causing us pain, sorrow, grief, or another unhealthy response that negatively affects our life.

This is simple, but like many simple things, it isn’t easy. We can’t magically send ourselves back to an experience and watch it as if it were a movie where we are privy to what we didn’t know or understand. However, we can take our minds back. We can take a second look. We can give others the benefit of the doubt and think the best. We can choose to forgive even if the offender had bad motives or committed a terrible wrong.

And why would we do this instead of just holding the other person accountable? So we can free ourselves, to heal, to move forward, and have a better life

I know from my and Seth’s experience that when we understand the power our perception has, no matter our age, we can change the past, at least how it affects us going forward.

Our story, what we choose to tell ourselves about any circumstance, keeps us in chains or sets us free.

Our Perception is Vital to Our Sense of Wellbeing Part 1

I’ve written many articles on the importance of making sure the story we tell ourselves is helpful to our sense of well-being, healthy relationships, and happiness. How we perceive something matters.

Recently, I had two experiences that cemented what I have learned in over a decade and a half of taking control of how I ‘see’ what is happening in my life, both in the past and present. I’m sharing one experience today and the other next week. They are powerful.

Stress Is a Killer!

When I began caregiving my mom 6 ½ years ago, I did a lot of reading on dementia, so I would know how to care for both of us. There was a lot of useful information. In most of the books and articles I read, I also found this counsel: “Caregiving can be extremely demanding, both physically and emotionally…Studies have shown that family caregivers are at a higher risk of mortality compared to non-caregivers. Approximately 30% of family caregivers die before the person they are caring for.” This information was so prevalent in what I read and heard from other caregivers, that I beleived it was true and it concerned me. I was caregiving three people, in a 4-generation home.

There is also a common belief in the minds of the public that stress, from any situation that is ongoing, is toxic. Stress has been blamed for catching the common cold to creating cardiovascular problems. For example, one article I read said: Stress can have significant physical and physiological effects on the body. Here are some of the key ways that stress can impact your health:

Cardiovascular System:
• Increased heart rate and blood pressure
• Dilated blood vessels
• Increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and hypertension

Endocrine System:
• Release of stress hormones (e.g., cortisol, adrenaline)
• Increased blood sugar levels
• Changes in metabolism and fat distribution
• Increased risk of obesity and type 2 diabetes

The list went on covering other body parts and organs. I wondered how I could manage what I had taken on and remain healthy. I had stress management tools and I used them, but stress is ever present when caregiving, and according to what seemed to be true, I was definitely in harm’s way.

A few years ago, someone reached out who wanted to add a new stress tool to my arsenal to help me have a healthier brain. Here’s the pitch:

S T R E S S
These 6 letters can completely ruin your brain health and create short-term memory loss. Chronic stress, the kind that has you up at night, eats away at the memory sector of your brain, the hippocampus. It causes inflammation, throws your hormones out of balance and there is a big school of medicine that believes most diseases are caused by chronic stress.
•Stress is your brain’s #1 enemy – it is the single largest reason for your memory issues
•Unless you do something to manage your stress on a daily basis your memory, and your brain health will quickly deteriorate.

Here was my response to a question the sender asked: “I am convinced that stress is the cause of my detail memory being so compromised.” I had bought into this belief about stress hook, line, and sinker.

This Was MINDBLOWING!

Last fall I listened to a Ted Talk on stress. It was mind-blowing! The title was How to Make Stress Your Friend by Kelly McGonigal, a psychologist. She told us that for years she had warned her patients about the dangers hidden in stress. But recently, she had been introduced to new research that blew her mind!

It turns out that stress, whether you are caregiving, have a tough job, or are parenting, doesn’t need to take a toll on your health. In fact, it can improve your heart and health. Yes, you heard me correctly!! Her information on how stress is good for your heart was so unexpected and came from reliable research.

McGonigal said: “Stress. It makes your heart pound, your breathing quicken, and your forehead sweat. But while stress has been made into a public health enemy, new research suggests that stress may only be bad for you if you believe that to be the case.”

One research study showed that people with the same type and amount of stress either died or lived depending on their beliefs about stress. This made me sit up and pay attention. As I researched this new idea, I read this: “With demands on time, energy, emotions, and relationships, caregiving isn’t easy. So, you might think it would take its toll on the physical health of those who care for family members with chronic conditions. But new research offers a positive surprise: Family caregivers may live longer.”

McGonigal urged us to see stress as a positive and understand its value to the body. Also, to know that what you believe about stress impacts how it ultimately affects you. And there it is–our story matters, what we say and how we perceive what is happening brings about the result we get.

Not long after I heard the TED talk, I bought the book The Upside of Stress by Dr. McGonigal. I want to understand how stress can work in my favor. I want this information deep in my soul so that I can do what I have taken on and flourish. The read is fascinating.

Has understanding this changed anything in my day-to-day life? NO. I still clean up plenty of poop. Sitting down without interruptions is rarely an option. There is plenty of frustration and annoyance. My mother’s dementia is progressing, she has had a mini-stroke, and every day is a new normal. Watching someone die is like living on a roller coaster. Don’s surgery brought 6 weeks of extra work and stress. But now, with my new story, when I feel overly stressed, I straighten up and say to myself – “Way to go. This is so good for your heart. You’re going to live to be 100!”

And you know what, I believe it.

P.S. Next week I challenge the idea that we cannot change the past. I will share an example that will show you, you can! You are going to love this!