Category: Personal Growth

Not as Bad as I Thought!

Do you ever have the feeling that your efforts aren’t good enough, even though you are giving it all you have at the time? I have and still do, occasionally.

For Example…

I have a sister who is fabulous at scrapbooking. The pages she creates are beautiful with paper flowers, butterflies, bows, wagons, trains, and other cute decorations. It makes her kids ‘stuff’ stand out and look great. I have never scrapbooked. I don’t think it was a thing until after most of my children hit their teens and some were gone from home.

I did have boxes of their stuff, each neatly labeled with their name. Everything was orderly and well cared for. I knew it was important to keep their art, crafts, papers with A’s, photographs, and awards. But I hadn’t done anything with all that stuff.

When my children were adults, I still had their stuff in boxes. Just a few years ago, I decided that for Christmas I would buy some beautiful boxes and give them their stuff as a gift. I bought the boxes and transferred their treasures into them.

It was fun watching the kids sort through their papers and get excited. “Hey, look at this. Do you remember when…” “Do you see this? Can you believe I finished? It was so hard.” “Do you remember when we all…” It was a great gift, and I knew it was a hit.

However, as time passed, I occasionally felt that I should have put all their stuff in cool scrapbooks. I mean, it had become the rage, and everyone was doing it.

The Discovery that Felt so Good!

Now remember that my youngest is 34 and my oldest is fifty-one. They have been gone from home a long time. But last month, Jodie had a beautiful scrapbook on her kitchen counter. I had made it! What!! Seeing it again, after decades, helped me remember that I had indeed, made a book for each of my children. Granted, there were no cutsie things inside, just papers, photos, certificates, etc. Everything was handwritten, nothing fancy, but there was a book!! And to that, I added a cool Christmas box years later! Go, Mom!

Here is what I know and sometimes forget, and which you may not know yet – doing something a specific way, the way another mother does it, isn’t going to matter in the long run. What we do for our family, with love, is what does and will matter to our children over the long haul. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had never made a book containing some of their stuff. They loved the Christmas box because they knew I cared about them and their memories. That is what counted and for them, it would have been enough.

If we are filled with regret or worry over all the things we didn’t or don’t do as well as another mother, we consign ourselves to living in a dim room. But as we accept our efforts, whatever they are, time will clean house and leave us in a far brighter place. The good we did will become apparent.

Scrapbooks or even saving our kids’ stuff, isn’t the defining thing in good parenting, but I hope you get my point. We can’t and won’t do everything well or the way some other mother or family does it. But our efforts will pay off in the end if we do our best and work to become better. Notice I didn’t say do better. It is far more meaningful, as our children grow if they see us become better.

This Mother’s Day I received messages from women and mothers in my family. I wasn’t a perfect parent. I made lots of mistakes. I was frequently in over my head. : ) BUT I did do my best. I gave what I had and as I cleaned out my bag of garbage, which we all have, my best became better. Please allow me to share a couple of my Mother’s Day messages and know that the feelings they shared have developed over time, as they have become women and mothers themselves.

•One thing I love most about you is this, my entire life you have always wanted to become a better person. You did things to change yourself, develop new characteristics, and find who you really are. That rubbed off on me. I really appreciate that. I always do a daily self-inventory and stay aware of where I’m at and who I am. So grateful to have developed the nature to want to do better. Thank you, Mom. I love you very much.
•We really love and appreciate you Mom and all you have done for us. (speaking of her family) I appreciate that you have taught me to pray well. I like how you said it in your last article, you are blunt with Heavenly Father, and he is blunt with you. That is an important thing to understand, that we can just say how we feel. I love you.
•Happy Mother’s Day Mom. Thank you for blessing us with so many wonderful people. Because of you, I have an amazing man in my life and an amazing baby, and it all started with you.

Speak kindly to yourself in the moment, accept your efforts, and be patient with yourself as you change and grow.

We really are doing better than we think
and time will show us this!

Necklaces on the Mirror or Charity 101

I like things my way.

It’s true. It has taken intention for me to learn to be flexible and generous with others’ differences. It hasn’t been an easy ride, but I really wanted to make this change so, I prayed about it. Be careful what you pray for.

Over ten years ago, I began praying for charity. As I studied, I learned that charity isn’t what we do it is how we are – a way of being made up of many traits. Hmmm Here are two that cause me trouble – long-suffering and not easily offended. They relate to flexibility and generosity with others’ weaknesses or the differences in how they manage life from how we manage life.

Yikes. How was God going to help me go from being inflexible and frequently annoyed and frustrated with others’ imperfections and differences to long-suffering and not easily offended? Well, He did what He does, He sent me to school, so to speak, Charity 101. He put me into a four-generation home. Trust me, it requires long-suffering, generosity, flexibility, and not being offended to make this work.

An Example of Long-suffering and Not Easily Offended

I had an experience last week that is a perfect example of how important flexibility or charity is in a family. As I look back on my parenting, it is glaringly clear that my lack of charity i.e., long-suffering, not easily offended, and being flexible or generous with other’s differences, caused us trouble. Oh well, we can only get there when we can get there. It is good that Christ makes up the difference in our weaknesses until they become strengths. : )

I am a very ordered person. I have a morning routine and a night routine. I am well practiced in making commitments to myself and others and then keeping them no matter what. I have practiced these skills for a long time. I like things to be where they belong! In my personal world, there are systems and order.

One morning, when I entered the bathroom that all nine of us share, while my daughter’s bathroom is being remodeled to make it more handicap accessible, I noticed that Mary’s necklaces were hung on the mirror. When we built our part of the home, I chose an out-of-the-ordinary mirror for my bathroom. It has birds and vines on it. It is supposed to be a decorative hall mirror but I like it and so it is in my bathroom. I enjoy those birds when I am brushing my teeth. : )

However, it is NOT a jewelry holder! As I sat and looked at the necklaces, I felt annoyance creeping in, but then, by choice, I stamped it out! After all, it didn’t look terrible, wasn’t in my way, and was causing no problems. I left the bathroom in one emotional piece.

Later that day, I told Don that Mary was hanging her necklaces on the mirror. He replied that he hung the necklaces there because he didn’t want them getting knotted up. The kids, both Jack and Mary, bring me their chains to be unknotted. I am good at getting the knots out. LOL

When I saw Mary, I told her what her grandpa had done. She smiled but didn’t say anything. That night when I went into the bathroom to shower, there on the mirror were three necklaces. I sat down and stared at them. I realized that even though I had never hung jewelry on the tiny birds, it looked quite nice. I also realized that when the remodel is done and my bathroom becomes my bathroom again it will look a little plainer without them. : )

This is what happens in a family when we choose to be flexible, long-suffering, and not easily offended when someone does something differently than we would. We can maintain peace within ourselves and with them. We may even find, in time, that we have grown fond of their way.

Have Greater Peace in Your Family

Recently in a conversation with my sisters on this topic, one of them said, “I caused my kids a lot of discomfort because I was so ridged in my ways.”

Then recently, a friend, in a class remarked that she realized she was making everyone miserable by forcing them to tow her line, and it was making her miserable too. She has decided to step back, in other words, become more flexible, generous, long-suffering, and less easily offended.

I love how God works. He requires us to do what we can to grow. I don’t always enjoy the process, but the results can be magical and a gift. Becoming more charitable i.e. long-suffering and not easily offended, is simple, but simple definitely doesn’t mean easy. This change requires intention and practice. But if I can make progress, and I have, then so can you.

Let’s work on flexibility, long-suffering, and not being offended (annoyed and frustrated) when things aren’t exactly as we hoped, planned, or thought they should be. It will bring greater peace to our hearts and to our families.

For me, this is a work in progress. It may be for you too, but when we can let go of frustration and annoyance and embrace flexibility, our family will be blessed, and so will we.

Still Learning? Does it Make You Feel Less Than?

I want you to know that I am over the moon happy to write this post. It is, however, very transparent, humbling, and not cool if you are ‘the expert’. : ) BUT it is so indicative of how we learn, grow, and have better, more meaningful lives!

I was a paid mentor for many years. I worked with moms on systems for their homes so their days would run better. I mentored them on how to connect with their kids more consistently and in less time. I have worked with amazing people, and I loved it. Most of them became friends.

How My Life Changed

Then my life changed. I became a full-time caretaker for 2 and a part-time caretaker for another. At some point, I realized I couldn’t do it all. I gave up traveling, speaking, doing workshops, and other events. This happened a year and a half after my book was published.

The change wasn’t easy. However, I still wrote an article each week and posted on Facebook once a day. And I was still mentoring. I loved this and was glad to be doing it. I got to meet wonderful people and I had a lot of experience I could share. However, as clients had their needs met and dropped off, I did not replace them because as my caregiving responsibilities grew, my mental and emotional bandwidth shrunk. LOL I met with my last client, for the last time, in early spring of 2022. Then a lull ensued.

In the fall, I had an old client reach out. She asked if I was still mentoring. I said I wasn’t but that we were good friends, and I would love to talk with her. We informally visit on Marco Polo, and it’s fun! She asks questions and if I have any thoughts, I share them. I can be real and transparent because I don’t have to be the person she has hired who knows more than her. There is no pressure to perform. : )

Since then, I have reconnected with three other old clients who are good friends. I visit with them whenever one of us has something we want to talk about. One is way younger than I am. In fact, she and my youngest daughter were good friends. I have known her since she was a girl. Can I say how fun it has been talking with her over the last few years? She was in a big transition, and I was able to talk her through some of it. BUT and here is what this post is all about – today she talked me through something!!

You Never Know Where Learning Will Come From

That’s right, a young mother, forty years my junior helped me out today. It all came about because she is a budding writer. We talk about how to write and the difficulties of managing it with a family. Recently we talked about the need to get up earlier. When I was writing my book, I had to get up at 4 a.m. for six months to make it happen.

This young mom has three little kids, the oldest in kindergarten. You can visualize what that’s like most days. : ) Well, bless her heart and her desire to grow, she told me she has been getting up earlier, around six, so that she can get at least 30 min of writing in before the day explodes. She said when she does get up early and writes and later can’t get back to her writing, she feels ok because she has done her 30 minutes.

This consistency in writing is on my Commitment sheet which I repeat daily. It goes like this – “I am committed to writing at least one hour a day, five days a week. This is therapeutic and fun for me. I lose fewer great thoughts that others need to hear.” I shared this with my friend, and she decided that 30 minutes is what she could and would do.

We also talked about how it needs to be early in the morning because we have busy, chaotic days and by evening, even if there is time to write, well, we are tired. Not great for inspiring thoughts. : ) She said that it makes her feel like she is really caring for herself when she gets up earlier. That was odd to her because she often gets less sleep, but it still feels nurturing to keep this commitment to herself. She also said how cool it is to sit and realize that the whole house is hers, at least for thirty minutes. I can relate!

I felt so proud of her for following through because I know from experience this isn’t easy. Here is where having a good friend who is doing what you want to do is so valuable. 2022 was hard for me. I shared with you that I finally went to three counseling sessions to get a story worked out. I was sabotaging myself and my writing. Read more about that HERE. I haven’t yet unraveled why I would do this but knowing that I am the cause of my trouble has been very helpful. When I don’t allow myself to write I do not blame my circumstances or those I care for. I am honest with myself.

My Friends Bravery Helped Me

Because I am not only helping my friend with her stuff but because we are friends I responded very honestly. I confessed my struggle to write. I told her how resistant I feel to getting up early even though I know I can. Many weeks I get up at 5:30 to get Maggie off to school. I was brutally honest about the story I am telling myself about why I don’t want to get up. Even after I do get up, I don’t sit and write. I have so many things to do and I allow myself to go to that sabotage place.

It was a bit uncomfortable to be so honest. After all, I gave her good advice which I used to get a book published but, well, I wanted to share real life. Here is the most wonderful thing. She was brave enough to give me a few thoughts that she had and some information she has learned that could help me. I LOVE her for it! And you know what, I will be listening to those Marco Polos again because she may have opened a door for me, that when I slip through will help me unwind this self-sabotage thing and get me back on track.

And there it is. No one knows it all. No one. We all need help from friends, good books, classes, etc. We all have things to learn. And just as the cement keeps resurfacing in my field, even things we thought we have fully resolved can come back and we must go to work again. That is the beauty of it all. There is never an end to learning.

I want to thank my friends, and there are quite a few of you out there, who write to me via text or email about something I have written. Often it is to tell me how it has helped you, but on occasion, it is to share something that will help me.

Let’s all remain humble and teachable so that we can be better women, mothers, wives, coworkers, and friends. We do not have to be ashamed of this!

P.S. Today is April 28th. For the first school day in a week and a half, I didn’t need to get Maggie up for school. When I am on deck, I get up at 5:30 or 5:45, depending on the day. Well, because of the encouragement of my friend and after pondering her counsel, I got up this morning at 6. I didn’t want to, even though I know I am supposed to, and if I do, it will change my life. I know I will keep doing this because once I commit to myself, it’s a done deal. Today was the day I committed and I did write!

If this young mom can take my counsel and do it, I can do it too. This is why we need to be teachable and open, it helps us commit and sometimes recommit.  

Tips for Stay-at-Home Parents Thinking of Going Back to School

When I had my first baby I was in college. I had one year left to graduate. However, I didn’t finish, as I needed to put my husband through school. I got a job a couple of blocks from home. When Don graduated, I became a stay-at-home mom for the next fifteen years.

During those years I made wedding cakes in my home. I was very good at it, but I never made much money. It was a good thing that I loved it and always covered my expenses. I did other things like cake decorating to bring in money for Christmas and simple vacations. But in reality, despite my entrepreneurial attempts, I was a stay-at-home mom.

When I was forty, I had my seventh child and I decided to finish my degree. I didn’t do any research because my daughter was going to a private school. I applied there and was able to do my degree at a distance. This was before online schools were a thing. The provost was willing to work with me because he had met me and knew my daughter.

Because of the many years, I had been out of school, I had to begin again. Too many of my special ed. credits were too old to count because the field had changed so much. I got my degree in Education where more of my earned credits counted.

When I finished my degree, I decided to work for my Master’s and I did it. It wasn’t easy. I had a small child and five of the other six were still at home. I had very few resources to help me out.

I have often thought that I could have used more information. But this was before the widespread use of computers. I was on my own. And as far as my entrepreneurial attempts, well I really could have used some help. : )

In this short article, Laura Pearson gives some great resource links for moms who want to go back to school and moms who want to be entrepreneurs. Hopefully, if you are thinking about doing either one you will find some help here.

Tips for Stay-at-Home Parents Thinking of Going Back to School

Transitioning from a stay-at-home parent to a student can be challenging. Balancing school,
family life, and the demands of an entirely new lifestyle can feel overwhelming. However,
with a little bit of research, planning, and support, going back to school is possible and can open up new opportunities for your future. Here are tips for stay-at-home parents thinking of going back to school, courtesy of Mary Ann Johnson. 

Selecting a Major
One of the most important decisions you will make when transitioning back into the world of
education is choosing a major. It’s best to do some research on what options are available
before committing to one area of study. Consider what interests you, what skills you have
and want to develop, and which areas offer potential jobs or business opportunities after
graduation. Taking an aptitude test or speaking with a career advisor can help you narrow
down your choices.

Scholarship Hunting
Going back to school as an adult can be expensive, so finding scholarships to cover tuition is a great idea. Need-based grants and scholarships offered by private foundations and organizations dedicated to helping adults return to college are often available. Researching scholarship options from various sources is a great way to minimize the financial burden of returning to school.

Attending Classes Online
If you’re not able to attend classes in person due to family commitments, there are plenty of
online courses available at many universities and colleges which allow you flexibility in
studying so that it works for your schedule. Most online courses include lectures, videos, and
written materials that you can access remotely on your computer, allowing you more control
over your learning experience.

Courses to Get You Ready for Business
One advantage of returning to school as an adult is that you have life experience under your belt that could prove invaluable to starting a business. Look into courses that support starting a business.  This would give you useful, real-world knowledge that would help you launch your own venture.

Setting Up a New Business
If you’re looking into starting up a business while studying, then there’s no doubt about it — it’s going to be tough. But with discipline and good time management skills, both tasks can be achieved together if done right.

Once you’ve started your business, the next step is to advertise! You should spread the
word via social media, of course, but if you’re looking to make your own business cards, this is a great way to supplement your digital advertising and provide a more tactile reminder to potential customers. And best of all, you can take advantage of various templates and customize them for free.

Going back to school after being away from the educational system for many years can be daunting, but it doesn’t have to be impossible. Careful planning and research, plus finding scholarships and good time management, can make a big difference to stay-at-home parents looking to further their education prospects and career success in the future.

Mary Ann Johnson is here to help parents find peace in a hectic world. If you have any questions, she’d love to hear from you!

Image via Pexels

How Do I Find Peace as a Parent

In the fall of 2012, I had an experience at a friend’s home that caused me to pause and think about how I felt as I mothered my family, and I shared those feelings with my friend. I believed every word that I said to her. Every word!

Guess what? I listened to the video I made about that exchange, and I was shocked! Why? Because I needed my own advice!

You see, I learned to stop being at war with parenting, finally! But as a full-time caregiver, I have to be honest, I am often at war again. I hadn’t realized this until I listened to myself on that old video. I am currently revamping how I feel when I get up in the morning and what I know the day will be like. I am revamping how I feel about going to the extra effort to cook for my husband’s health. I am reviewing how I feel about the effort it takes to get my mom to drink two large glasses of water every day. I am rewriting my story about caring on and off for four live-in grands, one with CP. : )

You learn from trial and error, from a good book, class, or a friend. You implement what you have learned, and it makes a difference in your life. But here is the rub, often we must relearn old lessons.

I hope you get something valuable from what I knew and lived in 2012. I hope you will implement what you can in 2023, as I am going to do. Parent on!

How Do I Find Peace as a Parent?

“Doesn’t this just bug you? You just can’t win!” That was what a friend said to me one day when I was helping her clean her house. It was summer, and the house was full of children. I was mopping the kitchen floor as small feet ran nimbly across, hoping I didn’t see.

I have thought a lot about that question and how I feel about it. The answer, for me, is this, “I am not at war with my children. I am here to serve.”

How do I find peace as a parent – I work on the stories I tell myself.

The power of a story is amazing. The stories we tell ourselves about our lives are the most powerful. Our stories generate feelings and expectations and can bring us joy, sorrow, or anger. We can write a story of war or service and peace. How terrible to get up every morning and go to war! But to get up and serve?

Enjoy this video on the difference between waging war and giving service.

You can watch it HERE.

Better Word Choice – Better Outcome

Understanding truth changes lives

Many years ago, I read Remember the Ice and Other Paradigm Shifts by Bob Nicoll. It was life-changing, or I could say it was communication-changing. : ) All these years later, when I engage in a conversation, I can hear Bob say, “Remember the ice!”

I attended an event that Bob spoke at and then I bought the book. I learned later that he was a friend of one of my clients. What a lovely coincidence or it would be if I believed in coincidences. We had a number of opportunities to visit together. Later, I was also privileged to be on stage with Bob, teaching parents together.

Bob had a passion for linguistics and empowering language choices. He focused his energies on studying the power of word choice: the Psychophysiology of Words, as he said. Now, that is a big word. : )

Bob had been a counseling psychologist, a business owner/consultant, a motivational speaker, a sales trainer, a restaurant owner, a financial planner, and a top sales manager. He knew the importance of all kinds of relationships and the power that words had in those relationships. He had a passion for helping people shift their paradigms with respect to empowering word choices. And that is how the book Remember the Ice came to be. So, what was in his book that was life-changing for me?

Let me share one story from the book and you will see.

In Bob’s words – Imagine being able to create a simple message. You know in your mind what you would like to convey. You get ready to share it with one of your precious children. You open your mouth, speak your mind, and then realize you have attracted the opposite of what you want.
Huh??? What’s that you say?

All you said to your precious 6-year-old was, “Don’t touch that vase.” Seconds later, you hear the sound of broken glass and your favorite, imported, crystal vase is on the floor in a myriad of pieces.

So why would he touch it after you specifically said, “DON’T touch that vase?” Before I share the answer, let me share a quick story.

It all began on July 23, 1991 — at 10:07 AM PDT

In a convenience store on Northern Avenue in Phoenix, AZ, the manager had placed a couple of signs above his cash registers. His intention was to encourage his patrons to buy more ice during the hot desert summer.

I lived across the street from this store and came to know him. Rick was working one day as I made a purchase. This time I paused and asked him how his ice sales were going because I am intrigued by word choice and the resulting behavioral outcomes. You see, the signs above the cash registers read: DON’T FORGET THE ICE

I asked Rick how sales were going. His reply was less than favorable. I paused and asked if I could make a suggestion. I mean, after all, this was Phoenix—in the desert—in the middle of the summer. (110+ degrees in the shade)

“Rick, do you have a couple of pieces of paper and a magic marker?” I inquired. He gave me the items and I quickly made two new signs for him. REMEMBER THE ICE

I left with a knowing smile and purposely stayed away for about a month. When I went back to the store, I spoke with Rick about his recent ice sales. “What did you do? My sales are up over 500% in the last 30 days!!”

I smiled and asked him a simple question: “If I say to you: Don’t think of the color blue. What color are you thinking of?” “Why blue of course” he replied. “Of course.” Now if I say, “don’t forget the ice”, what will you forget? “Hmmm… the ice.” “Right.”

Wasn’t that story awesome and haven’t you experienced something like this? I have with my own children, my husband, and friends. Words matter. What we say and how we say it impacts not only us but those we are talking to. Don’t is a word I rarely use because I hear Bob in my head.

Do you see how the innocent and commonly used message of “DON’T results in the opposite of what we want? Our mind has no conception of the word NOT (Bob explains more about that in his book), and we proceed to DO what follows the word Not (Do not or Don’t). So, the end result is, 6-year-old Tommy is compelled to touch the vase BECAUSE you told him to.

Words mean things. Word choice has behavioral consequences.

If mom had said, “leave the vase alone”, or “no touching the vase,” the end result is, you would have a beautiful piece of crystal to showcase your flowers. And this is the crux of the book.

How can you think differently about the words you use? How can you have better outcomes? How can words assist you in getting your kids, spouse, and others to respond positively more often?

I recommend Remember the Ice and Other Paradigm Shifts.

It is available on Amazon. You will be a better parent for having read it. Bob taught people that, “There is Power in the Clarity of your Articulation.” Another way of saying that is: “Word Choice has behavioral consequences.”

Here is how I say it –
Words mean things. Learn how to use them well.

Want more direction on having meaningful conversations with your kids:

My Meat Chopper is a Metaphor for Growth. Really! : )

My granddaughter joined a group called Girls on the Run. She was excited to learn how to run. Because she hadn’t done this before Matilda was a bit apprehensive, so her big brother ran the race with her. Ya gotta love big brothers who care! She had a wonderful experience and wanted to support the group. She sent me an online catalog. Part of the proceeds would go to the group. As a dutiful grandparent, I looked it over.

There wasn’t a single thing I needed or wanted. I am a minimalist by nature and experience. I have what I need and nothing more. Not only wasn’t there a single item I needed or wanted but they were all pricy, and I am frugal by nature. What was I going to do? Well, there was one gadget I had seen in a few of my friends and siblings’ kitchens. I knew what it was for. It was used to break up sausage and hamburger while cooking.

In my kitchen, I grab the burger or sausage and mash it into bits in my hands as it falls into the pan. This works for me. But I had to buy something, and this was the cheapest item. I love my granddaughter, so I ordered it.

It sat in my utensil container for weeks, unused. Then one day I noticed that I hadn’t gotten my hamburger bits as small as I wanted them for a particular dish. I grabbed the meat chopper, because it was close, and cut up the partially cooked chunks. Hmmm, that was easy even though the meat was hot and partially cooked. I could have gotten the job done with a spoon, but it would have taken more time.

Since then, I have begun using the meat chopper more often. It is fast, I don’t have to wash my hands, and I can chop as I cook. I have decided I like this tool. I mean, I can manage the old way, it works, but this works better.

As I was making spaghetti sauce this week, I thought about how finally experimenting with the meat chopper is like the process of growth and change. We learn to do things a certain way. It’s how our mom or dad did it. It’s how our extended family did it. It seems to work. Then someone introduces us to a thought or idea, that suggests that whatever it is, can be done in a cleaner, easier, more successful way. There may even be a suggestion that what we think is working really isn’t, and we need to make a change. That can feel intimidating.

Do you hang back? I mean, you thought things were OK. Even if you knew they weren’t working all that well, you might feel unsure about your ability to make a change. Maybe the thought that what you have been doing, that isn’t working, makes you mad, and you want to turn your back on the new idea or suggestion. Been there, done that! It took me a long time to learn that even when something seems to be working it might work better managed another way and that if something isn’t working, you really can make a change.

Here is my Point:

We can get stuck in how we approach problems, and health issues, manage ourselves and relationships, discipline children, or chop cooking meat. We can be resistant to experimenting with something new. But often, if we open ourselves up to new thoughts, ideas, ways of being, and resources, we can learn to manage better.

I can’t begin to tell you all the resources I have taken advantage of in the past 40 years. Here is a very abbreviated list of some things I have changed over the years because I finally began experimenting with new thoughts and ideas.

  • I now mash my meat faster, cleaner, and more safely when it is cooking. LOL
  • I listened to a friend who taught me how to manage when my kids were not doing what I wanted. Over time, with her continued advice and support, I changed the relationship I had with my children.
  • When my neighbor, who was a nurse, gave me a pamphlet on anger management I was shocked. But her concern and the ideas she presented stuck and over time I did get control of my anger. I stopped raging and yelling.
  • I took a couple of classes to learn to manage my money stories, the ones I got while growing up. This information has changed many things. The work isn’t fully done, but I feel more at ease with money.
  • I had some serious reservations about anything outside of traditional medicine. I was totally in a box about it. However, a time came when I finally climbed out of the box and saw a homeopathic doctor. WOW! She was able to crack some health issues for me that had caused me to suffer for years.
  • After having it come to me three times, I tried energy healing which seemed like wowo to me. I was able to heal from some childhood trauma and begin to regain boundaries. It wasn’t something I entered into lightly. I did considerable knee time in order to choose the right practitioner and remain safe. It was a short stint of work, but it was so important in my life.
  • After having a particular book on energy types come around three times, I finally read it. I had been totally uninterested because for over a decade I had heard about energy types at business meetings and I wasn’t all that impressed with the information. I was grateful that I finally listened to my inner voice about this particular book. It answered the question as to why I sometimes felt like two people in the same body. It also helped me appreciate my husband more.
  • After some years of resistance, I read two books on emotional healing, a thing that I didn’t put much stock into. They were written by women with very different spiritual outlooks. However, both were pivotal in my learning to communicate with my body, and it has made a difference in my health. I love my body and we now communicate. : )
  • I grew up in a family and an extended family of complainers. It was what everyone did. It was normal. But eventually, I heard from others that I admired, that complaining wasn’t an innocent pastime and caused problems in life. Well, I wasn’t ever going to be able to change that! But, eventually, I decided I could change.  I read a fabulous book and I have made changes. I am not perfect at this skill yet, but I am getting darn good.

Not everything that has come my way has been the right thing for me. I had to learn how to discern when to accept a new resource, idea, or thought. That is a skill that took time to learn. It isn’t wise to read every book, go to every class, listen to every friend, or accept that something you are doing is wrong on the say-so of another person.  So how can you know what to try and what to walk away from?

Tips for Discernment:

1. When confronted with a new idea, thought, tool, class, book, or another resource, I ask myself if there is really an issue it might address better than how I manage now. I look honestly and deeply at the situation. I ask myself hard questions and give myself honest feedback. It can be painful. This is, in itself, a skill that must be practiced. But over time you can get better at being honest with yourself.

2. If I think there might be some efficacy to experimenting, I counsel with my Higher Power to get questions answered and fears allayed. Then I decide to move forward. Since I’m not perfect at hearing the Spirit or my own inner voice, I may decide to walk away and then have the same information resurface again. If something comes my way three times, then I really do take notice and put more effort into learning about it and making a decision.

3. After I have made a decision, I take that decision, in prayer, to the Lord, and I ask him if what I have decided to do is going to be good for me and if now is the time.

4. If I have good feelings after that prayer, I go for it. Sometimes I feel moved to wait. I have had times when I have been told, “Not now.” Then later, sometimes years later, I am told to go for it. The truth is, no matter how good the information may be, you have to be ready to receive it. Occasionally, I know it is not for me, ever, no matter how good it is.

Let me share some examples:

A. I considered energy healing dangerous and dark. However, it kept coming up. I went through the process above sure that the answer not to become involved was correct. I got the opposite response to my prayer, and I was shocked. I was led to a safe and knowledgeable practitioner and did a short stint of work with her. I was able to clear up a situation with my dad who had been dead for over a decade. So freeing.

B. In the early 70’s I had three children and was a wreck. I didn’t know at the time that I was suffering from severe postpartum depression. I thought I was just a horrible person. One of my dearest friends suggested I read a parenting book. It was a New York Times bestseller and it changed many things for the better in her family.

I wasn’t as familiar with the process I have just outlined but I did pray. I knew clearly that reading this book was a bad idea for me. I didn’t know why, I just knew I wasn’t to read it. It wasn’t until a few decades later that I read the book. I was ready, but I could see how damaging it would have been for me back then, despite the great ideas it contained. I would have had my ‘badness’ confirmed.

Sometimes there is only one thing out of a whole class, book, doctor’s appointment, counseling or mentoring session, conversation with another trusted adult, etc. that you need, but that one thing has an impact that was worth whatever time or money it cost.

In the mid-eighties, I took the class Parenting with Love and Logic. I had so much baggage at that time that only one thing stayed with me. That one thing helped me manage our family during the drug years. It made ALL the difference when dealing with kids who were not manageable.

Other times, the entire resource can be life-altering, and is well worth your time and/or money.

My final words:

We need to hang on to what is working. There is always more than one way to do something right. We also need to be open to broadening our knowledge base. We need to jettison the fear of change. We need to be willing to grow. We need to trust ourselves that we can change and then be willing to experiment with new ideas and thoughts. We need to be discerning in how to move forward.

Be willing to learn, change, and grow. Your life will be better!

I Don’t Run, or Do I?

In August 2010 I wrote an article that I posted on my original blog, Home School Coach. It was titled I Don’t Run. In the article, I shared why I had begun running and why it wasn’t working out well. I also shared that I didn’t intend to quit running despite the difficulty.

It’s funny, but the reasons that I was having such a hard time running have been resolved over the last thirteen years. I have gotten a handle on sleep. I go to sleep early and rise early.  I get enough sleep and I sleep at the correct times of the day.

I don’t eat junk or drink soda and my food is healthy. In the article, I said that having to think about food and cook differently is such a bother. It makes me laugh because that hasn’t changed, but I am doing it consistently anyway.

I now drink enough water and I exercise five days a week, most weeks, so I’m far fitter at 73 than I was at sixty. I also weigh 30 pounds less than when I was sixty. I have made many changes in my lifestyle and my thinking since 2010.

However, I did quit running. I didn’t have a strong enough reason to continue and walking is easier.

Here is why I am sharing this with you:

When you have a strong enough purpose, belief, or why, you can do and change anything. I have lived this truth and I want to share some real-life examples with you.

Example 1

In my 73 years, I have learned that I can make myself do anything I need to do. I have learned that if I can’t make myself do something then there is a problem with my why or my belief in myself. I know that anyone reading this article will relate.

Back to the running. Recently I had to run for about half a block. I was pressed for time and being on time mattered a great deal! So, I ran. There was no grace in it, no flow; a bit more like lumbering, but I did it. When I reached my destination, I had to stand and work on breathing for a while, but I was smiling because I had just run a little over half a block.

As I said, I walk. Every day I walk with my weights. They are only 3 pounds, but they are weights, and I am walking with them. It counts! : ) As I walk I raise one arm into the air until I can’t hold it any longer and then I raise the other arm. I usually do 2 rotations of this and then I speed walk the rest of the way.

After my running experience, I wondered if I could run regularly. So, I gave it a shot. I ran half a block and then tried to breathe the rest of my walk. LOL The next day I wanted to see if I could do better. I ran a whole block in both directions, with some breathing time in between. That made me feel as if I could really run, like daily. In my mind came a goal – by Fall I will be able to run my whole route. To be sure, it is a short route of only five blocks but imagine me doing it at 73.

Why would I run if a brisk walk with my weights, at seventy-three is sufficient? Remember when I said you need a strong enough why. Well, my ability to remember details has lessened in the last two years. I care for my mom who has dementia and my grandmother on the other side died of Alzheimer’s. This creates a BIG why for me. I need and want a healthy brain. Walking is a great exercise, as is lifting weights, even if they are only 3 pounds. But it seems I need something more. Running is what I am determined to experiment with.

I have done a lot of study on the issue of brain health in the last five years. I have taken classes and read many books. I know what I need to do to have a healthy brain; this is my why and it is a BIG one!

Example 2

Let me share another real-life example. I have always hated the cold. When I was a kid, coats weren’t cool, sorta like now, but I wore mine. I would rather be warm than cold. The same went for boots and gloves. I wasn’t cool looking, but I was warm.

I never enjoyed swimming because I don’t like the cold. Give me the beach over the water. I love the sun and warmth. I take showers hot enough to boil lobster, even in the summer. LOL I go out of my way to avoid being cold.

As I studied, I learned that when your skin temperature drops it helps manage insulin spikes, hence body and brain health. I read this in Why We Get Sick: The Hidden Epidemic at the Root of Most Chronic Disease–and How to Fight It. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has any type of health issue!

This information impressed me as a simple and effective way to fight insulin resistance, lose weight, and maintain better body/brain health. Now when I feed the chickens, I go coatless or in a light sweater. As I struggle with the cold, I remind myself that this is going to help me remain healthier longer. Over time, the chilliness of my skin has begun to feel good. This adjustment in my thinking has shocked me. As I said, I have always HATED being cold!

Then in the series Limitless, starring Chris Hemsworth, which my husband was watching,  I learned that if you use cold water after a hot shower, it helps your brain. That was the whole premise for the series, to discover ways to have a healthier brain. I knew this was something I should try. I couldn’t imagine doing it, but I wanted to. Remember I have a very STRONG why.

For a couple of weeks, after my hot shower, I would turn down the hot water until I couldn’t feel warmth, but the water wasn’t icy. Then a few weeks ago I began making the water colder, much colder. I know that in time the water will be icy, like a frozen lake. It doesn’t feel foreign anymore and is almost pleasant. I only do it for a couple of minutes but that is a significant start.

If you had asked me even six months ago if I would run or stand in cold water on purpose, I would have emphatically said NO!! But here I am doing both because I have a strong enough why.

And that’s what it takes to make big changes. A reason that helps you overcome your resistance to doing what you aren’t even sure you can do.

I Have Made Major Changes and So Can You

I have made major changes in my life. Each change had a different why. They each required me to believe in myself, that if I was committed, consistent and had the right resources I could do it.

•I stopped raging and yelling.
•I overcame my fear of heights. I climbed a tall pole and walked across a 20-foot cable
without holding on to anything. I did it twice.
•I learned to manage my fear of speed and went on a short zip line. I may never do it again,
but I did it once.
•I gave up sugar, changed how I eat, and lost over 30 pounds.
•I began exercising regularly.
•I have made significant progress in giving up complaining, which was a family tradition in
my childhood home and extended family.
•I have learned to manage my penchant for annoyance and frustration with others ‘stuff’. I
will probably be working on this for the rest of my life, but I am making progress.
•I have rewritten some damaging money stories from my childhood and have gotten a grip on
money management.
•I overcame the effects of child sexual abuse.
•I have gone from having no boundaries to being able to say no and keep myself safe. Continue reading →

2022 Was Really HARD!

2022 was hard! There was a reason for that, and I was finally brave enough to tell you about it in last week’s article, Tracking Can Turn Your Life Around. The whole experience caused me to ask the question: “Why do things have to be hard and uncomfortable so often? After all, I am 73 and I have had a lifetime of hard. When will it get easier?” Please don’t think this is the first time I have pondered this question. I know the answer, and you probably do too. We are going to discuss it here, but the question rears its head every now and then, anyway.

I want to tell you about a church meeting I attended on January 8, 2023. At this meeting, people in our congregation had the opportunity to share some of their deep feelings about Jesus Christ and God. This information will apply even if you believe in a different higher power or none. So read on. : ) I always carry a small notebook because I never know when I will hear something I want to remember. This was one of those times!

Comment 1

A woman who teaches older grade school students spoke. She admitted that just before the holiday break she taught a math concept that was REALLY hard for her. During class one of her bright-faced children (her words) looked up and said, “This is too hard.” She replied, “I know, but that’s what’s going to make you great.” She went on to explain to us that this is what God does. He allows us to have hard experiences because when we learn from them, that is what makes us great. Note the phrase ‘when we learn’. It matters.

Comment 2

A man shared that in our congregation he has a friend who builds guitars. I know his friend, but I didn’t know he made guitars. His friend’s health has been failing but here he is, still building beautiful guitars. The man telling the story said that when he visited the guitar builder’s home and saw the workshop, he noticed a newly finished guitar. He said it was beautiful and glossy. At some point, he was able to strum on it and it sounded wonderful.

The guitar had some amazing curves. He asked his friend how in the world he got the wood to bend in this shape. He was told that the wood had to be submerged in water for some time. Then it was clamped onto a machine which heated it up. And voila, the perfect curves to make perfect music. Hmmm, doesn’t that sound like some of your weeks, months, or years? It certainly sounds like my 2022; in over my head, and then clamped down and heated up.

Comment 3

A third person said that she had learned that God gives perfect trials to imperfect people and that if we have faith, we learn and grow as we willingly embrace the hard thing. Pay attention to the words ‘willingly embrace’. Again, they matter.

These beautiful sentiments fit perfectly with what I experienced in 2022. When I finally willingly embraced the hardships of the year, I began to unravel the challenges and learn more about myself.

As I mentioned in last week’s article, in 2022 I had a story that was causing me a lot of grief. Here it is – There is no place in my life for me, I am invisible. I said it out loud in anger on occasion. After the passage of time and some serious thought and prayer, I was eventually able to see this story for what it was – a lie. I am still working on resolving why I was telling myself this story and structuring my days so that the story looked and felt true. I haven’t worked all of that out yet, but just knowing it wasn’t true has helped me stay out of resentment.

It took almost an entire year because:
•I was sure I already had the management of my stories down pat and I wasn’t yet open to
  learning at a deeper level.
•I pushed against the hardship, rather than willingly embracing it so that I could learn.
•I forgot the truth that I am 100% responsible for how my life feels and for my response to
it. I can’t control all the circumstances and people around me, but I can control myself.
•When I was finally ready for the lesson it came. I am becoming greater for having had the
experience. I am wiser. I can manage my stories even better because I am a little less
cocky. : )

I wish I had gotten to this place earlier in the year. It took until November. I suffered and my family suffered. As I have said often enough, suffering is a choice. We suffer until we see our story, rewrite, or manage it, give up blame, and are willing to learn something new about ourselves.

Now when I find myself putting everything ahead of my own needs and my writing, I stop and say, “Mary Ann, this is a choice. If you are going to make it, you must be responsible for it, how it feels, and the consequences.”

I still choose to put myself and my writing last on occasion, but I am no longer resentful of my responsibilities or my family. I have chosen to be where I am, doing what I am doing. No one made me come to this place! I know this is about me and not them. As I unravel why this situation occurred, I am going to learn some amazing things about myself and my mission. I know it. I look forward to it.

Do You See the Relationship?

Do you see how this relates to the comments of those three sincere members of my church congregation? I know I have been placed where I am, in a challenging situation, because I am learning some life-altering things and practicing skills that I have used for a long time but needed to refine. I am growing as a person, as I come face to face with myself. My ‘greatness’ is increasing. : )

Do I like it? Not much. It was far more fun to travel the country teaching and speaking. It was more peaceful when it was just Don and me, alone in our own home and he was well. But I wasn’t growing like I have the last five years as a full-time caretaker to my 92-year-old mother, Don, and my 16-year-old granddaughter with severe cerebral palsy, in a four-generation home. And my growth, as I have shared it, has made a difference in the lives of others who are learning from me. It shortens their learning timeline and makes it more bearable as they learn.

Recently, I was reading an email from Amy Walker, an old mentor of mine. She told the story of a man she was helping as he built his business. One day, as he sat in her office, he came face to face with a huge challenge. In the middle of the stress, he stopped and said out loud – “I am at the perfect place, at the perfect time, having the perfect experiences, for my perfect good.” Amy was astounded that he had memorized this thought and could pull it out in the moment of need. She has since memorized this for herself. I have taped it to my computer, and I read it every day.

2022 was HARD. Nevertheless, I was in the perfect place, at the perfect time, having the perfect experience, for my perfect good. I still am. I am grateful.

 

P. S. When I sort out the reason for my untrue story, I will most assuredly share it with you. In the meantime, I will continue to practice what I know and watch my stories even more carefully. : )

Tracking Can Turn Your Life Around!

Tracking Can Turn Your Life Around

When we’re trying to implement a new system, create a new habit, change our way of being, or resolve a problem, tracking is helpful.

I know this doesn’t sound fun or doable for many of you, but I have learned the hard way that tracking makes a difference in how well I do in any of the above scenarios.

Tracking helps with consistency. You can see at a glance how you are doing and, in fact, if you are doing.

When you track you can’t pretend that you are doing better than you are. You also can’t delude yourself that you aren’t doing enough. It becomes clear if a family system is working or needs to be revamped. You can tell if your behaviors are modifying, or if you’re responding differently than in the past.

Some weeks my consistency may be pitiful. Some weeks it is awesome. But tracking helps me even it out over the space of a year, and that helps me accomplish things I might not otherwise get done.

Here is an example –

I currently have a tracking grid on my office wall. My office is in my bedroom, so it’s very convenient and frankly, occasionally irritating. LOL I am just like the rest of you. I would rather not have what I need to do and where I am falling short staring me in the face. The grid also gives me the courage to keep going because I can see what I have done, even if it isn’t as much as I wish I had done.

You may laugh, but I use this grid to track how often I contact my family members and a few people that need my care. You see, I am a project person. I care about people, and I love my family, but I can get caught up in my work and let days or weeks go by without reaching out to those who matter and those who need to feel they matter.

Another example –

On my daily worksheet, in my morning routine, I have included meditation. I know I haven’t meditated for months because I haven’t been able to scratch it off. This week I meditated for 4 whole minutes. It was so satisfying to mark it done that I know I will do it again. I will become more consistent. I just needed to begin, and tracking has helped me finally get going. (P.S. I have done it again!)

Things like prayer, scripture reading, taking my vitamins, and exercising aren’t a problem. I am completely consistent. But I still track them on my daily worksheet because some days go south early. When I am finally able to sit down and look at my list and realize that it is noon and I haven’t taken those vitamins or said that prayer, I can stop and do it. It keeps me from missing things that are important to me.

A third example –

Consistency isn’t a well-practiced skill for my husband and because he has health issues it needs to be. So, he asked me to make him some simple tracking grids. They are on the edge of his computer screen where he can’t miss them. He also has a couple in the bathroom where he can track his blood sugar, weight, etc. Don tends to think he is doing better than he is. LOL Tracking keeps him in reality. He isn’t a list guy and so making that check mark can be challenging. But just seeing the tracking sheet helps him get up and walk, take his meds, weigh himself, etc.

Example four –

I recently finished a book by Darren Hardy. I didn’t want to read it but felt I should. It has turned out to be extremely valuable to me. There is a chapter on tracking. He didn’t say anything that I didn’t already know, but he reminded me of some things I had put on the back burner and got me to move on a problem I hadn’t been able to solve.

Darren suggested that we track one thing we really needed to change to make our lives better: watch less tv, drink or smoke less, get more sleep, stop overeating or eating poorly, track how your money is spent, and the list went on. I wasn’t having an issue with anything on his list! And the one thing that does cause me a little concern, well, I was already tracking it. I asked myself and God what I needed to track that I wasn’t already tracking to make my life better.

In 2022 I had a story that was causing me a lot of grief. Here it is – There is no place in my life for me, I am invisible. I said it out loud in anger, frequently. After pondering and some prayer I felt I should track when I was making space in my life for me.

What! I couldn’t believe it, because I wasn’t doing things for myself. I was on call 24-7 practically. My life wasn’t my own. I didn’t want to see in black and white, what I already knew. But I got a small notebook and each day I would write down anything I did for myself. Guess what, every day there were at least 5 things and often more.

Why hadn’t I seen this before? It was because I wasn’t letting things count. You heard that right; I wasn’t letting things count. They were on my daily list, and I was scratching them off, but I wasn’t letting them count. Prayer is for me. Reading my scriptures is for me. I mean, no one holds a gun to my head and says you must. I have learned in seventy-three years that these two things help me manage my day better. But I wasn’t recognizing them as ways I fit myself into my very busy and often chaotic life.

Then there is the walk I take daily, with my weights. Isn’t that for me? Of course, it is. I do it because I want my brain to work well and I want to be able to walk till I am 100. Again no one makes me. No one chides me if I don’t. There isn’t any guilt if I do or not. I’m seventy-three. I could let it go. But I do it for me because I want to. I don’t get to it every day, but I get to it enough days to know that I am fitting myself into my life!

Here are a few other things that I discovered I wasn’t letting count – taking my nutrition, writing in my gratitude journal, smiling on purpose (yes that is on my to-do list LOL), reading in the bathroom a few times a day. You see, I was doing a great many things for myself because I want to. I was taking care of me. Every day I did things to build my body, my mind, my heart, my faith, me, because I love me. I just hadn’t recognized it.

So, what was the outcome of this tracking exercise?

The story is DEAD! and with it the resentment and anger that I was feeling. The weariness has lessened.

I have also been adding a few things. I decided I wasn’t connecting with old friends enough. To make that happen I had to come up with a system. Here it is. I picked three women I love but wasn’t talking to, even yearly. I reached out to them, and we set up a phone call every 3 months. It’s on my calendar and that is how I track it and make sure it happens. This is an exercise in fitting me into my life.

Truth be told, when I see a call on my calendar I inwardly groan because I have stuff to do. : ) Remember I am a project person. LOL But it’s there on the calendar, and it happens. I love these women and I enjoy talking to them when we get on the phone, but if I wasn’t tracking it wouldn’t happen.

Tracking matters. It helps us do the things we really want to do. Tracking helps us learn to be more consistent, so the outcome is better. And if you are feeling less than, left out, or like me, invisible in your own life, then track. See if the story is true or if you have been deluding yourself and not letting things count.

If you find the story is true, then determine what is within your power to turn it around, then track your efforts. This can change your life. It has changed mine. 2022 was a VERY hard year because of the untrue story I believed with all my heart until October. I have now rewritten that story and I am very glad! So is my family. : )

If tracking seems overwhelming to you, know that there are many ways to track. It may be a daily list. It may be a grid on the wall. It may be a date on the calendar or marbles you drop in a container : ) or any number of other ways. Find what works for you, then give it a try.

Tracking can turn your life around