Category: Personal Growth

Duality Matters in Parenting!

Here is how the conversation with my daughter Kate on pride vs. pridefulness ended. If you are out of the loop, refer to the Sept. 10th and Sept. 17th articles at https://www.maryannjohnsoncoach.com.

Duality in Life and Parenting

I told Kate, “I’m proud of myself that I figured this out as I became an adult. Thank you for telling me. I never would have thought of such a thing. I always felt like such a fearful person. That is what your siblings saw. But by the time I was forty, I had worked out a lot of garbage. So, this is like a confirmation that the work I did was valuable. It wasn’t easy. There were no classes, no internet, no place to go for help except to friends. I had to figure it out by being honest with myself, and by pondering and praying a lot. It took me years. I am amazed that I figured it out. That I healed and grew. Thank you. I love you.”

I was sorry that my older children had grown up with a frightened, fearful woman, who did not value herself. I told Kate that. She replied, “You know Mom, just because it took you time to learn and grow doesn’t negate the great mom you were and this important message you gave me.”

Then Kate mentioned the word duality. It was new to me. I know dual means two, but I hadn’t heard much about duality. Here she was telling me that in parenting it matters.

What is duality? Well, two things can be true at once even if they are contradictory. You could be fearful at 40 and still exhibit confidence that you didn’t even realize. This can be helpful in relationships with others and with us.

Some Examples

In my 40s’ I thought – I either have it all together or I don’t. I either show confidence in everything or nothing.” I felt this was true. But the truth was this – I had fears and insecurities in many areas of my life but great confidence in others.

Sharing the message of duality is important in parenting because it can help us keep our story about how we are doing on a more positive plane, and it goes a long way to assisting us in speaking kinder and more truthfully to ourselves.

Instead of, “I am such a terrible mom. I just can’t keep my cool.” we might say, “I struggle to keep my cool, but I am working on it, and I am great at nighttime talks. It will even out If I just keep working on it.”

Instead of, “I am so lame. I still have so much to work on,” we could tell ourselves “I have so much to work on, but my kids can depend on me being at their events. They can trust me.”

The Onion Principle

In 2022 I sought counseling for myself for the first time in my life. Not mentoring, I have done a ton of that but honest-to-goodness counseling. I am 73. I should have it all worked out right? But the reality is that we are like an onion. You work on a layer at a time. That is why duality exists. You took off a layer but there may be another layer to work on.

If there are two sides to a coin, metaphorically speaking, there’s a duality. Peace and war, love and hate, up and down, and black and white are dualities. Duality is experienced every day.

You will succeed in some ways and fail in others. You will have one thing worked out and be a hot mess somewhere else. It’s OK. You can be both. We shouldn’t focus only on where we are not yet strong. It is wise to acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses. As we do, we send a powerful message to our children that they can do the same. This will hold them in good stead as they become adults and work out their baggage. Good parenting isn’t about being perfect, knowing it all, and having all our junk cleaned up. It is instead, doing the best we can, growing and changing, and sending the message to our children that they also have strengths and weaknesses, and it’s OK. It is about allowing ourselves and them to feel pride in hard work and accomplishment even if there are things that are not yet in order.

So, as I have said many times – Be kind to yourself. Trust yourself. Hang in there and keep growing despite your missteps. It will be enough.

As a Mother, You Won’t Know the Value You Bring Until Later

This part of the conversation blew me away!

Remember that conversation with my daughter Kate that I shared last week? Here is the part that blew me away!

As we talked, Kate said something that left me dumbfounded. In fact, it was the reason for her call. She said, “I wanted to thank you because I have never received negative messages about your accomplishments. You are comfortable expressing pride in what you have learned, and the characteristics, qualities, and talents you have developed. You are comfortable sharing with other people in a non, you know, braggy way. I want you to know that I really appreciate that about you because now, as an adult woman, I am not threatened by other women expressing confidence and pride in themselves. I do not equate that with pridefulness.”

“That matters and I wanted to let you know. Now, I am a mother of a little girl, and I can pass that positive outlook of confidence and pride on to her, rather than the messaging of – talk bad about yourself because that is more acceptable.”

“Not all women are comfortable with their own goodness and accomplishments. We don’t always support one another. Because of the example I saw from you while growing up, I have been able to share this with my daughter and help teach her that it’s OK to be proud of your accomplishments.ngest ”

Here is how Kate ended our lengthy conversation on pride vs. pridefulness. “I love you very much, and I appreciate you not being one of those messengers in my life of ‘stay small, stay insecure, talk bad about yourself because that is more acceptable.’ I know the opposite is unacceptable.” I replied, “Wow. I didn’t know I did that!”

The Message I LOVE to Share!

This is one of the messages I enjoy sharing with moms the most – In parenting, you can’t know the value you bring until much later. As your kids grow and have kids, you find out what they took away from home that will blow you away. For me, this was one of those things, and over the last twenty years, there have been others.

I had to work hard to be confident. I came from a place where that wasn’t nurtured in me. I had been sexually abused and emotionally abused. I wasn’t allowed to decide on anything big or small, even as a senior in high school. The ability and example Kate credited me with, well, I had to work on it for a significant portion of my parenting days. I didn’t have this knowledge when I began, but all of my children saw its development over time. It eventually came and I was able to share it with my youngest daughter, even if it was unconsciously.

Parenting is a tough job. We do not come prepared in all the ways that will be needed. But if we are open to learning, changing, and growing, we will ultimately be a blessing to our children. The passage of time will show you the value of what you have done, as imperfect as it is.

So, hold the course, speak kindly to yourself when you mess up, and work to learn and grow. It will be enough!

How We Talk About Ourselves Sends a Powerful Message to Our Children

A few months ago, I had a conversation with one of my daughters on the issue of pride vs pridefulness. It was amazing and insightful. I can’t do justice to the topic in one article so I will cover it in the following three articles.

Here are the messages I will share over the next three weeks:
1. How we talk about ourselves sends a powerful message to our children
2. No matter how imperfect we are, we are giving things to our kids that we won’t know the value of until much later
3. Duality is real, especially in parenting. Two things can be true at once, even if they are contradictory.

I am breaking this one conversation into three shorter articles because the concepts are important, and I want to make sure you hear them and don’t get bogged down with a lengthy read.

How we talk about ourselves sends a powerful message to our children.

Let’s begin by defining pride and pridefulness. I used Webster’s 1828 dictionary, which is my favorite.  Pride – Generous elation of heart; a noble self-esteem springing from a consciousness of worth. Pridefulness – Having an excessively high opinion of oneself. Thinking too highly of oneself; conceited, arrogant, or overconfident.

Our conversation began with Kate sharing an amazing accomplishment she had experienced. She backed up a trailer all by herself and she was dang proud. It was a very tight space and she had never done that before. She had to course-correct a lot, but she got it done. Can I say how impressed and proud I was? I don’t back up anything! Period. I just don’t, so this was very impressive to me. I could understand why Kate felt pride in what she had done.

The following day Kate was taking her daughter to swim, and she saw the trailer. She felt pride wash over her. So, she shared it with Tessa. “Hey, do you see that trailer? I did that. I backed that trailer up and I was really scared but I did it anyway. And I am proud of myself.”

After she shared her feelings with her daughter, she made sure to send the message that it’s OK to feel confident in yourself. It’s OK to feel pride in what you do because pride is not the same as pridefulness.

Kate’s Sixth-Grade Experience

This led Kate and I to a conversation about the difference between pride in ourselves and pridefulness. I think that our conversation hits at one of the challenges moms and women face – can I think proudly of myself and my accomplishments without being prideful? Can I teach my daughters that it’s OK to feel confidence and pride in themselves?

Kate shared an experience she had in sixth grade where she learned to be self-deprecating. She was trying out for volleyball. Another girl hit the ball over the net. Kate said she was amazing; her serve was so powerful. Kate and the other girls were impressed with that beautiful serve. Some of the girls began asking her, “How did you do that? You were so amazing. It was so incredible.” The young girl replied, “Oh thank you so much. I worked all summer long. I practiced a lot.” As she walked away, the girls who had asked the question and had given her so much praise were like, “Oh my gosh. She is so full of herself. Ugh.”

A second girl whose serve was just as good as the first girl was also complimented by the other players. Her response was, “Oh no, no, you guys. I suck so bad. I am really terrible.” Then the group of girls with Kate were even more effusive in their compliments. “No, you were so good. Really. Like you are amazing.” When she walked away the group of girls had nothing negative to say.

Kate remembers observing this interchange as a sixth grader and thinking to herself, “That’s how you do it. Now I understand.” Here is what she learned – If you are confident people won’t like you. However, if you are insecure and say bad stuff about yourself then people accept you.

We can feel pride in our accomplishments without being prideful. Let’s send positive messages on this issue to our children so they are allowed to feel good about the things they master. We do this best by example. If we’re OK taking honest credit for what we accomplish then our children will learn that doing so is OK. Sharing my daughter’s sixth-grade experience with your kids can get an honest conversation going.

How we feel about ourselves, how we talk about ourselves, sends a powerful message to our children.

 

Growing and Increasing in Wisdom One Thing at a Time

I am so glad to be back. I have missed you all. I loved the break, but I missed sharing my thoughts and ideas. : ) Here is something that happened to me during my vacation from writing.

My Vacation Experience

In 2022 I read a book titled Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in Our Busy Lives by Wayne Muller. I posted a review of it on Facebook on June 6, 2022. Before sharing my experience, I want to tell you about the book. It wasn’t written by a person from my spiritual persuasion. He presented the Sabbath and all its parts from the perspective of many religions, some not even Christian. It was fascinating how many spiritual cultures recognize the need for space, thought, and rest. So don’t be afraid to read the book even if you are not religious or don’t profess any relationship to God. Read it with the perspective that you are going to learn something new about rest, slowing down, and making space. It wasn’t written to convert but to enlighten.

I didn’t need to read another book about the Sabbath. My spiritual culture teaches a lot about the Sabbath, and I have grown up knowing or thinking I knew about rest. However, this book taught the principles of the Sabbath in a way that was insightful and somewhat new to me. His take on rest was far different than I had ever thought of. I loved it when he said that if you sweep the floor, it will need to be swept again the next day, so not sweeping it for a day is OK. I know that, but do you have things you feel compelled to do? I do.

Here is what I loved about this book – it wasn’t just about a day of worship. It was about how to manage a busy life. It was about renewal, gratitude, and rest. It was different and very helpful in changing my perspective.

Now for the honest part. After reading the book, I created a worksheet on how I could use all the beautiful concepts I learned. I picked one thing which I implemented and still do every day. Each night when I take my self-care shower, which I have been doing since I was sixteen, I light a candle. I pray for someone. Then I talk to God about my day. I have been doing this for almost a year, and it has been SO HELPFUL. It ends my day on a high note, no matter how the day has gone. But the list, with all the other great ideas, was stashed on my desk and forgotten.

Recently, while cleaning my desk, I ran across my notes from the book, the list. I was astounded because the ideas were so good! I couldn’t believe that I had only intentionally implemented one thing. But then I, like you, get busy, and things fall by the wayside even when I don’t want them to.

Here is my plan and I don’t know why I didn’t do it before. On the walls of my room, I have a plethora of fabulous quotes and instructions to myself that I look at often. By my bed are things I want to accomplish and some longer pieces of knowledge that I never want to forget. Some mornings and evenings I sit on the side of my bed and review this wonderful, faith-building, soul-lifting information. This page of notes should have had a home there, and now it does.

My list contains such helpful information that I decided to share my list with you just as I wrote it out after reading the book. Maybe it will encourage you to read Sabbath for yourself. Possibly you will implement some of these great ideas. Either way, I hope what moved me will be of value to you.

The List

REST

• Light a candle and pray- let the hurry of the world fall away.
• Pick one technology to not use on Sunday. Use the computer or phone only for Sunday
study.
• At your Sunday meal, take time to pray, plan, eat slowly, and enjoy.
• Take three mindful breaths whenever you move from one activity to another.
• Each day pray for the people around you.
• Choose a time to be still- don’t speak.

RHYTHM

•Take a slow 30-minute walk, an amble. Linger at flowers, rocks, etc., and enjoy the
air and beauty. This is not about exercising.
•Meditate with your breathing, find the rhythm of your breath.
•Spend some time in silence, outdoors, when possible. Slow down.
•Pray in your heart multiple times a day – it is a portable Sabbath.

TIME

•Set aside time to play with Don.
•Say my affirmations, what I value, and the precepts that guide my life.
•Stand at the altar in our temple and pray with others.
•Seek out those you love when you lose your way.
•Be a Sabbath for another who is struggling.

HAPPINESS

•Focus on gratefulness.
•On the Sabbath morning, lie in bed and look at my vision wall.
•Do something simple and playful daily – walk, put flowers on the table, color, do a
puzzle, sing.
•Walk barefoot, slowly, on this holy ground. (Meaning our home)

WISDOM

•Trust God to help you in crisis.
•Watch for the help you receive. See it.
•Find time to sit, walk, meditate, pray, read, etc. in nature, the temple, at home, or
church.
•Let go of something. Choose one thing each week. Lessen your stuff.
•Shower with a candle, music, and perfume. (Remember, as a caretaker I only have 15 min. for
a shower. : ) You busy moms can do this.)

CONSECRATION

•Before Sunday, choose a quiet place. Pray. Say what you need to say out loud.
•On Sunday, don’t seek, let what is be enough, and then pray in gratitude.
•Give something you love away to someone else who will love it.

ON SUNDAY

•Journal first thing in the morning, then pray and dress.
•Write letters of love.
•Connect with people.

TO END THE DAY

•At dinner, share the best part of the day and what you look forward to on the coming day or in the coming week. Burn a scented candle at dinner.

The sections came from the book. What to do came from me.

I pondered how I could make what the author taught in each section, work for me. For example, he suggested an altar, light a candle, and pray. In my spiritual culture, we do not use alters in our church buildings or our homes. But as I thought, I came up with the idea of lighting a candle during my nightly shower and praying for others and myself. It has worked wonderfully, no matter how out of the ordinary it may seem.

As I reread my list, I was surprised at how many things I have put in place unintentionally. I only implemented one thing with intention, the addition of a candle and prayer to my shower time, but so many others have become part of my days.
•Each day, I pray for the people around me.
•I say my affirmations daily.
•I pray with others in our temple.
•I am frequently a Sabbath for others who are struggling.
•I write in my gratitude journal daily.
•I walk barefoot in my home daily. Now I need to slow the pace. : )
•I trust God implicitly.
•I am watchful and grateful for the help that I see come.
•I shower with a perfumed candle. I sing after I pray while still in the shower.
•I write letters of love on Sunday.
•I have been connecting with people more than ever before. I set up calls ahead of time with
friends every few months and communicate via video, so connection really happens. I have to
plan ahead and schedule this connection because it isn’t part of my natural energy. : )

I Have A Plan

This list is impressive to me, but as you can see there is more that needs to become part of what I do, part of me so that it happens as naturally as the list above. That can’t happen in a day or a week. So, I have a plan.

I am going to pick one thing that I am not doing yet and do it daily or on Sunday, as the case may be, for one month. By then, it should be part of my system, and I won’t need to think about it. It will just happen because it is part of what I do, like my nightly shower. : ) Then I will pick another thing. At this pace, it will take me a few years to make everything part of my life, but I am OK with that. I have learned that the time it takes to grow and increase in wisdom isn’t important. Growing and increasing in wisdom is.

I hope that all of you will pick one thing. Maybe it will be to read the book and make your own list. It may be to adopt my list or part of it and begin implementing what matters to you. Just begin.

Deadheading

The Earth Can

Teach Us

It’s summer and so you know you are in for some parables about gardens and flowers. : ) The earth, if we are paying attention, can teach us so much symbolically, and metaphorically. Here is a lesson I was reminded of this week in my garden.

When I was a girl, we had a set of very old books in our home. They were called The John Martin Big Books. They were published in 1934, three years after my mother was born. I loved these books of very old stories. Many, if not all, taught a lesson. One such story was about two girls. Each had a flower garden. One girl shared her flowers with her friends and neighbors. She picked them for those walking by who admired them. The other girl wouldn’t pick her flowers. After all, they were hers. She loved them and she was doing all the work.

Guess who had the most long-blooming garden. Yes, the girl who shared her flowers. Later in life, I learned why this is so. If flowers are allowed to go to seed, the plant stops blooming because it has accomplished its mission. If, however, the blooms are picked, and seeds cannot form, the plant will do all it can to bloom long enough to create the seeds it was meant to produce.

Learning to Deadhead

My mother taught me to deadhead flowers, sort of like that story in my John Martin Big Book. You didn’t need to pluck each blossom and give it away, but when a bloom was finished and began to droop, you clipped off the head so that it couldn’t produce seeds.

My husband doesn’t garden but he loves gardens. We always go to the nursery together because he likes to help me pick out what is going to be planted. This year he wanted to buy a hanging basket of violas. I know how violas work and I knew that come mid-July they would stop looking beautiful and need to be replaced. But he liked them, so we bought them. I determined that from the time we bought them until they were spent, I would keep them deadheaded to help them last as long as possible.

I start on one side and I’m sure I get all the spent blooms. Then I move to the other side and every time I will see one I missed. Sometimes more than one. What happens? Why can’t I see them all from the side they are growing on? It’s because sometimes I need a different perspective. When I move to the opposite side, I can see the backside of the flowers which allows me to see blooms I couldn’t see from the front side.

The day I deadheaded my Columbines, a big flower, it was easy to see the seed pods. I wasn’t tired and had plenty of energy. The light was just right so I could see these large flowers and seed pods very well. I did a really good job on them. When I came back a couple of hours later and sat in one of the outdoor chairs, I’ll be darned if I didn’t find five seed heads that I had missed, even though I had done an excellent job the first time around.

Deadheading is a metaphor for life and family.

It’s never going to be perfect no matter how hard you try. When we can accept that, then we are free to enjoy the good job we are doing, despite the imperfections.

When we are trying to clean out our schedules, make something work in our family, improve a relationship, or work on anything that’s important it’s a lot like deadheading. You think you have cut out everything you need or can cut out. You think you have developed the perfect system to resolve a problem in your family. You are sure you have added or taken away something that will improve your relationships. You feel that you have explored all the options. Then you get a new perspective from a friend, a book, an article, a chance encounter with someone, and you see something that you have missed. You become able to jettison something in your schedule you didn’t think you could let go of, adjust a family system so it works better, or see something in the relationship that you can approach slightly differently to get a better outcome.

Good deadheading requires multiple perspectives as does running a successful life. I love deadheading because it is a quiet way of spending some alone time. So, I am focused. I’m not listening to a podcast or in any other way distracted. I move my fingers through the flowers, and I look very carefully for blooms that are spent. I’m experienced at this.

However, when I go to the other side or return to a flower bed later in the day, I know that despite my best efforts I will find spent blooms that I missed. It happens every single time. I can chalk it up as a failure to see, or that somehow, I am not paying enough attention, or I’m distracted, or that I just don’t care enough. I could allow myself to feel frustration at myself, the plant, the world, and how it works in general. I could beat myself up. I could stop enjoying this quiet, alone activity because it is never perfect. Never!

When I move to the other side of my hanging violas or walk around to the back side of my Columbines and see spent blooms or seed pods I missed I could ask myself, am I seeing these missed flowers or seeds because I finally stopped being a failure? Am I finally doing a decent job? Am I paying more attention? Am I less distracted? But I don’t allow myself to hold these feelings because all that happened was that I got a new perspective. I could see what I couldn’t see before.

As parents, when we miss something in a relationship or have a family system that we thought was perfect and it stops working, or our budget is a wreck, or we aren’t losing enough weight, or…the list goes on eternally, we can choose to berate ourselves or we can know that we are doing the best we can with what we have and go searching for what we may be missing.

Being a praying person, when I find myself at a loss as to why I am not better in some way, I begin by asking God for clarity, resources, strength, and grace. Just this week I reacted to my mom in a very unkind and childish way. I cried and told her I was sorry. Then I went to God and told him I was sorry. I asked what would cause me to respond in such a way. I sought clarity and thoughts came to my mind. I have continued to think and have received more thoughts. I am in the process of deadheading, giving away old stories and spent ways of being.

If I refrain from beating myself up for not doing something as well as I wanted to and instead seek information and resources to help me do better, then I will be given a new perspective. I will grow and in time, I will respond differently. I have lived this repeatedly and I know it’s true!

As I said, deadheading is a metaphor for life. We will fail. We will be unkind. We will miss things of importance. We will mess up in our family. It will happen. All that means is that you need a new perspective, information you do not now have. So, love yourself and your efforts. Speak kindly to yourself and extend grace as you learn and grow. Ask for help and then keep deadheading.

Your life’s garden will bloom far better and be more beautiful if you do.

A Little Here and a Little There, with Consistency, Conquers!

Four years ago, I wrote an article detailing how I cleared a field by myself in a nine-month period with a hoe and a rake. It was arduous, sort of like growing a baby. : ) The purpose of the article, was to demonstrate that we can accomplish very challenging things if we understand the principle of taking small steps with consistency. I also shared what I learned in those nine months.

My life seems filled with opportunities to prove to myself, repeatedly, that consistency in small things really can accomplish BIG things, things we thought we couldn’t do.

Last year, I thought I should help some neighbors with their yard. Really! Don’t I have enough to do? But it was a clear thought, so I decided to give it a go. My friends have serious health challenges, and they need help. So, I began.

Not long after I began weeding the flower beds, a member of my church congregation walked by. He shared that over the years, groups had come from the church to help, and he and his wife had helped. Then he said, “It will look the same in a month.” But I knew that I had made a commitment and that I had a plan to help me get this work done and keep it done. I smiled and replied, “Not this year.”

I knew I could clear these flower beds and put the yard in order because two years before I had cleared the field. This wasn’t going to be nearly as hard. I also knew that because I understand the principle that small things done consistently really can make a difference, I would be able to do the job. This applies to clearing a field by hand, keeping a neighbor or your own yard in order, keeping your home in order, relationships, growing a baby, anything.

This Year Feels Intimidating!

I want to do some cleaning and organizing projects this year, but it feels intimidating. I want to do my regular spring cleaning, you know, cleaning out cupboards, under beds, oven, refrigerator, drawers, and bookshelves. I have made a list of all the projects. Then there are the outside projects. I want to sort my stuff and minimize it. I need to reorder the garage and clean out my shed. I have a garden and flower beds.

Add to this the fact, that I am helping my daughter and her family and caring for Don and my mom. I also write a post every day and publish one article a week. Yeah, it is a lot of stuff, and with that stuff, I need to find time for myself to think, read, and rest. You can see why it might feel intimidating. But I want to do these things. They will make me happy. Yup, work and organizing makes me happy. LOL

Last year I experimented with small steps and consistency when it came to all the projects I needed and wanted to do. Of course, when you begin a large project, it can take extra time. The field, in the beginning, took 3-4 hours a day, six days a week. But once it was in order, the time went down significantly. I give it 30 min a day in the early spring, but by mid-June, I am down to 15 minutes every other day. My neighbor’s yard takes 30 minutes a day until mid-June, then it is 15 minutes every other day. In fact, just this week, I decided to go once a week, work on the garden, and then visit for half an hour. Just once a week. That is still consistent and will be enough. Can you see how consistency can pare a thing down over time and make it manageable?

Spring cleaning last year was a challenge. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do the whole kitchen in a day. This is how I used to manage. I had the energy and put other important things, like kids and events, on hold. I don’t do that anymore. I know that if I break a job into smaller bites and am willing to consistently give time to those small bites, then whatever it is will get done without sacrificing family or self.

This is something I have had to learn the hard way. I am a finisher by nature, and I want to finish. No small bites for me. Just get it done! BUT I know from experience that finishing works better, in a busy life, if we break the thing into small steps and then give consistent effort. Do I still struggle to live this? Absolutely! After all, I am a finisher, and that hasn’t changed, but I have grown wiser. This wisdom helps me get just as much done, over time, without sacrificing important things like self and family.

How It Looks Now

Back to last year’s spring cleaning. Let’s look at the kitchen. I would assign myself 1-3 cupboards in the kitchen, depending on the day. Another day would be the oven or two shelves in the fridge, etc. It took me two months to finish the kitchen. As I said, in the old days I would have knocked it all out in one eight-to-ten-hour day.

Then I moved on to the bookshelves, the bathroom, the bedrooms, etc. Over the summer, I got it all done. I can’t call it spring cleaning anymore. Hmmm, a better term would be Maintaining Order Over the Long Haul. LOL

Here is what this week looked like as I began my Maintain Order regime:
Monday – Clean one bottom cupboard the on west wall in the kitchen.
Tuesday – Clean the turnstile and lime away the shower.
Wednesday – One kitchen drawer and one bedroom drawer.

You get the drift. Does this feel irritatingly bothersome and slow? I get it. But along with these simple steps, I fix three meals, manage another person’s meds, bathe another person twice a week, help with Maggie and my other grands when Jodie is working, do laundry, sweep, and vacuum, water the garden, deadhead the flowers, get the mail, buy groceries…you get it because this is what a moms life looks like. So, when we have a big project, we must find a way to fit it in and still do all the other things that are required.

It’s Not Just About Spring Cleaning

Spring cleaning isn’t the only thing I am talking about. What if your relationship with one of your kids is strained? What are the small daily steps you can take while still doing all the other things moms do?

What about a mini conversation as you drive them to track practice? Your child may only mumble a few words, but over the summer, it will count. Maybe you decide to give a random touch three times a day. What about sitting at a meal together regularly despite everyone’s busy-ness?

There is work to do to keep relationships in order, be a PTA president, teach a class at church, maintain a friendship, or any of the other ‘things’ that come along while still maintaining home and family relationships. To add something we want to do, like spring cleaning or training for a marathon, LOL and not inadvertently subtracting the things that matter most, such as relationships and self-care, it is vital to understand:
•Breaking big projects, of whatever kind, into small bites or steps helps them get done without sacrificing anything important.
•Consistency in doing the steps or bites we have determined will and does make ALL the difference.

When we break important projects into small steps and then commit to being consistent, we can accomplish miracles.

Not as Bad as I Thought!

Do you ever have the feeling that your efforts aren’t good enough, even though you are giving it all you have at the time? I have and still do, occasionally.

For Example…

I have a sister who is fabulous at scrapbooking. The pages she creates are beautiful with paper flowers, butterflies, bows, wagons, trains, and other cute decorations. It makes her kids ‘stuff’ stand out and look great. I have never scrapbooked. I don’t think it was a thing until after most of my children hit their teens and some were gone from home.

I did have boxes of their stuff, each neatly labeled with their name. Everything was orderly and well cared for. I knew it was important to keep their art, crafts, papers with A’s, photographs, and awards. But I hadn’t done anything with all that stuff.

When my children were adults, I still had their stuff in boxes. Just a few years ago, I decided that for Christmas I would buy some beautiful boxes and give them their stuff as a gift. I bought the boxes and transferred their treasures into them.

It was fun watching the kids sort through their papers and get excited. “Hey, look at this. Do you remember when…” “Do you see this? Can you believe I finished? It was so hard.” “Do you remember when we all…” It was a great gift, and I knew it was a hit.

However, as time passed, I occasionally felt that I should have put all their stuff in cool scrapbooks. I mean, it had become the rage, and everyone was doing it.

The Discovery that Felt so Good!

Now remember that my youngest is 34 and my oldest is fifty-one. They have been gone from home a long time. But last month, Jodie had a beautiful scrapbook on her kitchen counter. I had made it! What!! Seeing it again, after decades, helped me remember that I had indeed, made a book for each of my children. Granted, there were no cutsie things inside, just papers, photos, certificates, etc. Everything was handwritten, nothing fancy, but there was a book!! And to that, I added a cool Christmas box years later! Go, Mom!

Here is what I know and sometimes forget, and which you may not know yet – doing something a specific way, the way another mother does it, isn’t going to matter in the long run. What we do for our family, with love, is what does and will matter to our children over the long haul. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had never made a book containing some of their stuff. They loved the Christmas box because they knew I cared about them and their memories. That is what counted and for them, it would have been enough.

If we are filled with regret or worry over all the things we didn’t or don’t do as well as another mother, we consign ourselves to living in a dim room. But as we accept our efforts, whatever they are, time will clean house and leave us in a far brighter place. The good we did will become apparent.

Scrapbooks or even saving our kids’ stuff, isn’t the defining thing in good parenting, but I hope you get my point. We can’t and won’t do everything well or the way some other mother or family does it. But our efforts will pay off in the end if we do our best and work to become better. Notice I didn’t say do better. It is far more meaningful, as our children grow if they see us become better.

This Mother’s Day I received messages from women and mothers in my family. I wasn’t a perfect parent. I made lots of mistakes. I was frequently in over my head. : ) BUT I did do my best. I gave what I had and as I cleaned out my bag of garbage, which we all have, my best became better. Please allow me to share a couple of my Mother’s Day messages and know that the feelings they shared have developed over time, as they have become women and mothers themselves.

•One thing I love most about you is this, my entire life you have always wanted to become a better person. You did things to change yourself, develop new characteristics, and find who you really are. That rubbed off on me. I really appreciate that. I always do a daily self-inventory and stay aware of where I’m at and who I am. So grateful to have developed the nature to want to do better. Thank you, Mom. I love you very much.
•We really love and appreciate you Mom and all you have done for us. (speaking of her family) I appreciate that you have taught me to pray well. I like how you said it in your last article, you are blunt with Heavenly Father, and he is blunt with you. That is an important thing to understand, that we can just say how we feel. I love you.
•Happy Mother’s Day Mom. Thank you for blessing us with so many wonderful people. Because of you, I have an amazing man in my life and an amazing baby, and it all started with you.

Speak kindly to yourself in the moment, accept your efforts, and be patient with yourself as you change and grow.

We really are doing better than we think
and time will show us this!

Necklaces on the Mirror or Charity 101

I like things my way.

It’s true. It has taken intention for me to learn to be flexible and generous with others’ differences. It hasn’t been an easy ride, but I really wanted to make this change so, I prayed about it. Be careful what you pray for.

Over ten years ago, I began praying for charity. As I studied, I learned that charity isn’t what we do it is how we are – a way of being made up of many traits. Hmmm Here are two that cause me trouble – long-suffering and not easily offended. They relate to flexibility and generosity with others’ weaknesses or the differences in how they manage life from how we manage life.

Yikes. How was God going to help me go from being inflexible and frequently annoyed and frustrated with others’ imperfections and differences to long-suffering and not easily offended? Well, He did what He does, He sent me to school, so to speak, Charity 101. He put me into a four-generation home. Trust me, it requires long-suffering, generosity, flexibility, and not being offended to make this work.

An Example of Long-suffering and Not Easily Offended

I had an experience last week that is a perfect example of how important flexibility or charity is in a family. As I look back on my parenting, it is glaringly clear that my lack of charity i.e., long-suffering, not easily offended, and being flexible or generous with other’s differences, caused us trouble. Oh well, we can only get there when we can get there. It is good that Christ makes up the difference in our weaknesses until they become strengths. : )

I am a very ordered person. I have a morning routine and a night routine. I am well practiced in making commitments to myself and others and then keeping them no matter what. I have practiced these skills for a long time. I like things to be where they belong! In my personal world, there are systems and order.

One morning, when I entered the bathroom that all nine of us share, while my daughter’s bathroom is being remodeled to make it more handicap accessible, I noticed that Mary’s necklaces were hung on the mirror. When we built our part of the home, I chose an out-of-the-ordinary mirror for my bathroom. It has birds and vines on it. It is supposed to be a decorative hall mirror but I like it and so it is in my bathroom. I enjoy those birds when I am brushing my teeth. : )

However, it is NOT a jewelry holder! As I sat and looked at the necklaces, I felt annoyance creeping in, but then, by choice, I stamped it out! After all, it didn’t look terrible, wasn’t in my way, and was causing no problems. I left the bathroom in one emotional piece.

Later that day, I told Don that Mary was hanging her necklaces on the mirror. He replied that he hung the necklaces there because he didn’t want them getting knotted up. The kids, both Jack and Mary, bring me their chains to be unknotted. I am good at getting the knots out. LOL

When I saw Mary, I told her what her grandpa had done. She smiled but didn’t say anything. That night when I went into the bathroom to shower, there on the mirror were three necklaces. I sat down and stared at them. I realized that even though I had never hung jewelry on the tiny birds, it looked quite nice. I also realized that when the remodel is done and my bathroom becomes my bathroom again it will look a little plainer without them. : )

This is what happens in a family when we choose to be flexible, long-suffering, and not easily offended when someone does something differently than we would. We can maintain peace within ourselves and with them. We may even find, in time, that we have grown fond of their way.

Have Greater Peace in Your Family

Recently in a conversation with my sisters on this topic, one of them said, “I caused my kids a lot of discomfort because I was so ridged in my ways.”

Then recently, a friend, in a class remarked that she realized she was making everyone miserable by forcing them to tow her line, and it was making her miserable too. She has decided to step back, in other words, become more flexible, generous, long-suffering, and less easily offended.

I love how God works. He requires us to do what we can to grow. I don’t always enjoy the process, but the results can be magical and a gift. Becoming more charitable i.e. long-suffering and not easily offended, is simple, but simple definitely doesn’t mean easy. This change requires intention and practice. But if I can make progress, and I have, then so can you.

Let’s work on flexibility, long-suffering, and not being offended (annoyed and frustrated) when things aren’t exactly as we hoped, planned, or thought they should be. It will bring greater peace to our hearts and to our families.

For me, this is a work in progress. It may be for you too, but when we can let go of frustration and annoyance and embrace flexibility, our family will be blessed, and so will we.

Still Learning? Does it Make You Feel Less Than?

I want you to know that I am over the moon happy to write this post. It is, however, very transparent, humbling, and not cool if you are ‘the expert’. : ) BUT it is so indicative of how we learn, grow, and have better, more meaningful lives!

I was a paid mentor for many years. I worked with moms on systems for their homes so their days would run better. I mentored them on how to connect with their kids more consistently and in less time. I have worked with amazing people, and I loved it. Most of them became friends.

How My Life Changed

Then my life changed. I became a full-time caretaker for 2 and a part-time caretaker for another. At some point, I realized I couldn’t do it all. I gave up traveling, speaking, doing workshops, and other events. This happened a year and a half after my book was published.

The change wasn’t easy. However, I still wrote an article each week and posted on Facebook once a day. And I was still mentoring. I loved this and was glad to be doing it. I got to meet wonderful people and I had a lot of experience I could share. However, as clients had their needs met and dropped off, I did not replace them because as my caregiving responsibilities grew, my mental and emotional bandwidth shrunk. LOL I met with my last client, for the last time, in early spring of 2022. Then a lull ensued.

In the fall, I had an old client reach out. She asked if I was still mentoring. I said I wasn’t but that we were good friends, and I would love to talk with her. We informally visit on Marco Polo, and it’s fun! She asks questions and if I have any thoughts, I share them. I can be real and transparent because I don’t have to be the person she has hired who knows more than her. There is no pressure to perform. : )

Since then, I have reconnected with three other old clients who are good friends. I visit with them whenever one of us has something we want to talk about. One is way younger than I am. In fact, she and my youngest daughter were good friends. I have known her since she was a girl. Can I say how fun it has been talking with her over the last few years? She was in a big transition, and I was able to talk her through some of it. BUT and here is what this post is all about – today she talked me through something!!

You Never Know Where Learning Will Come From

That’s right, a young mother, forty years my junior helped me out today. It all came about because she is a budding writer. We talk about how to write and the difficulties of managing it with a family. Recently we talked about the need to get up earlier. When I was writing my book, I had to get up at 4 a.m. for six months to make it happen.

This young mom has three little kids, the oldest in kindergarten. You can visualize what that’s like most days. : ) Well, bless her heart and her desire to grow, she told me she has been getting up earlier, around six, so that she can get at least 30 min of writing in before the day explodes. She said when she does get up early and writes and later can’t get back to her writing, she feels ok because she has done her 30 minutes.

This consistency in writing is on my Commitment sheet which I repeat daily. It goes like this – “I am committed to writing at least one hour a day, five days a week. This is therapeutic and fun for me. I lose fewer great thoughts that others need to hear.” I shared this with my friend, and she decided that 30 minutes is what she could and would do.

We also talked about how it needs to be early in the morning because we have busy, chaotic days and by evening, even if there is time to write, well, we are tired. Not great for inspiring thoughts. : ) She said that it makes her feel like she is really caring for herself when she gets up earlier. That was odd to her because she often gets less sleep, but it still feels nurturing to keep this commitment to herself. She also said how cool it is to sit and realize that the whole house is hers, at least for thirty minutes. I can relate!

I felt so proud of her for following through because I know from experience this isn’t easy. Here is where having a good friend who is doing what you want to do is so valuable. 2022 was hard for me. I shared with you that I finally went to three counseling sessions to get a story worked out. I was sabotaging myself and my writing. Read more about that HERE. I haven’t yet unraveled why I would do this but knowing that I am the cause of my trouble has been very helpful. When I don’t allow myself to write I do not blame my circumstances or those I care for. I am honest with myself.

My Friends Bravery Helped Me

Because I am not only helping my friend with her stuff but because we are friends I responded very honestly. I confessed my struggle to write. I told her how resistant I feel to getting up early even though I know I can. Many weeks I get up at 5:30 to get Maggie off to school. I was brutally honest about the story I am telling myself about why I don’t want to get up. Even after I do get up, I don’t sit and write. I have so many things to do and I allow myself to go to that sabotage place.

It was a bit uncomfortable to be so honest. After all, I gave her good advice which I used to get a book published but, well, I wanted to share real life. Here is the most wonderful thing. She was brave enough to give me a few thoughts that she had and some information she has learned that could help me. I LOVE her for it! And you know what, I will be listening to those Marco Polos again because she may have opened a door for me, that when I slip through will help me unwind this self-sabotage thing and get me back on track.

And there it is. No one knows it all. No one. We all need help from friends, good books, classes, etc. We all have things to learn. And just as the cement keeps resurfacing in my field, even things we thought we have fully resolved can come back and we must go to work again. That is the beauty of it all. There is never an end to learning.

I want to thank my friends, and there are quite a few of you out there, who write to me via text or email about something I have written. Often it is to tell me how it has helped you, but on occasion, it is to share something that will help me.

Let’s all remain humble and teachable so that we can be better women, mothers, wives, coworkers, and friends. We do not have to be ashamed of this!

P.S. Today is April 28th. For the first school day in a week and a half, I didn’t need to get Maggie up for school. When I am on deck, I get up at 5:30 or 5:45, depending on the day. Well, because of the encouragement of my friend and after pondering her counsel, I got up this morning at 6. I didn’t want to, even though I know I am supposed to, and if I do, it will change my life. I know I will keep doing this because once I commit to myself, it’s a done deal. Today was the day I committed and I did write!

If this young mom can take my counsel and do it, I can do it too. This is why we need to be teachable and open, it helps us commit and sometimes recommit.  

Tips for Stay-at-Home Parents Thinking of Going Back to School

When I had my first baby I was in college. I had one year left to graduate. However, I didn’t finish, as I needed to put my husband through school. I got a job a couple of blocks from home. When Don graduated, I became a stay-at-home mom for the next fifteen years.

During those years I made wedding cakes in my home. I was very good at it, but I never made much money. It was a good thing that I loved it and always covered my expenses. I did other things like cake decorating to bring in money for Christmas and simple vacations. But in reality, despite my entrepreneurial attempts, I was a stay-at-home mom.

When I was forty, I had my seventh child and I decided to finish my degree. I didn’t do any research because my daughter was going to a private school. I applied there and was able to do my degree at a distance. This was before online schools were a thing. The provost was willing to work with me because he had met me and knew my daughter.

Because of the many years, I had been out of school, I had to begin again. Too many of my special ed. credits were too old to count because the field had changed so much. I got my degree in Education where more of my earned credits counted.

When I finished my degree, I decided to work for my Master’s and I did it. It wasn’t easy. I had a small child and five of the other six were still at home. I had very few resources to help me out.

I have often thought that I could have used more information. But this was before the widespread use of computers. I was on my own. And as far as my entrepreneurial attempts, well I really could have used some help. : )

In this short article, Laura Pearson gives some great resource links for moms who want to go back to school and moms who want to be entrepreneurs. Hopefully, if you are thinking about doing either one you will find some help here.

Tips for Stay-at-Home Parents Thinking of Going Back to School

Transitioning from a stay-at-home parent to a student can be challenging. Balancing school,
family life, and the demands of an entirely new lifestyle can feel overwhelming. However,
with a little bit of research, planning, and support, going back to school is possible and can open up new opportunities for your future. Here are tips for stay-at-home parents thinking of going back to school, courtesy of Mary Ann Johnson. 

Selecting a Major
One of the most important decisions you will make when transitioning back into the world of
education is choosing a major. It’s best to do some research on what options are available
before committing to one area of study. Consider what interests you, what skills you have
and want to develop, and which areas offer potential jobs or business opportunities after
graduation. Taking an aptitude test or speaking with a career advisor can help you narrow
down your choices.

Scholarship Hunting
Going back to school as an adult can be expensive, so finding scholarships to cover tuition is a great idea. Need-based grants and scholarships offered by private foundations and organizations dedicated to helping adults return to college are often available. Researching scholarship options from various sources is a great way to minimize the financial burden of returning to school.

Attending Classes Online
If you’re not able to attend classes in person due to family commitments, there are plenty of
online courses available at many universities and colleges which allow you flexibility in
studying so that it works for your schedule. Most online courses include lectures, videos, and
written materials that you can access remotely on your computer, allowing you more control
over your learning experience.

Courses to Get You Ready for Business
One advantage of returning to school as an adult is that you have life experience under your belt that could prove invaluable to starting a business. Look into courses that support starting a business.  This would give you useful, real-world knowledge that would help you launch your own venture.

Setting Up a New Business
If you’re looking into starting up a business while studying, then there’s no doubt about it — it’s going to be tough. But with discipline and good time management skills, both tasks can be achieved together if done right.

Once you’ve started your business, the next step is to advertise! You should spread the
word via social media, of course, but if you’re looking to make your own business cards, this is a great way to supplement your digital advertising and provide a more tactile reminder to potential customers. And best of all, you can take advantage of various templates and customize them for free.

Going back to school after being away from the educational system for many years can be daunting, but it doesn’t have to be impossible. Careful planning and research, plus finding scholarships and good time management, can make a big difference to stay-at-home parents looking to further their education prospects and career success in the future.

Mary Ann Johnson is here to help parents find peace in a hectic world. If you have any questions, she’d love to hear from you!

Image via Pexels