Category: Making changes

How To Have Better Outcomes

I received a call from my sister, Rozanne. She was giving me an update on a difficult situation in her life. It was such a profound example of taking responsibility for your responses and choosing to let go of suffering, I asked her if I could share the experience with you.

I know how important perspective or the story that we tell ourselves in any given situation is. I have learned how to take control and have gotten good at doing it. It requires lots of practice. Each time I am triggered in any way, I stay out of blame, and I seek the facts, not what I feel, but what is true. Often there are few facts and many assumptions.

I have also learned that when we blame, complain, or stay in the negative, it is harder to problem-solve and get a result that blesses us. Often, we choose to suffer. I learned this lesson over time. You can read about it HERE.

Anyway, back to my sister’s experience. I think you will see both life principles at work. You will also see how using them made a huge difference in her outcome.

My sister had a new job and was working part-time. After being there a short while, one of the supervisors had to take leave due to ill health. Rozanne was bumped up to full-time.

Quickly my sister noticed that there were many unkind things being said about the supervisor who was on leave. Most felt she was not on the level and was taking advantage of the system. Rozanne, when caught in one of these conversations, would reply, “You don’t know that.”

At the end of 2022, the supervisor was scheduled to return to work after being gone for five months. Rozanne was going to lose her full-time position which paid $900 a month. She was given only a couple of days notice of the coming change. Her husband has dementia and they had gotten used to having the extra funds in their budget. $900 was a huge cut in their total income. Occasionally, this thought would come to her mind, “This isn’t fair. Maybe she is using the system. I should fight this.” However, she would not engage with this thinking. She threw it out and replaced it with this, “I’m glad she’s better and can come back. I know I will be taken care of, and all will be well.” Rozanne decided to trust God and take control of her perspective. She began looking at her options to recoup the $900.

The week the supervisor returned, Rozanne was asked to retrain her. Wow, how would you feel about that? Rozanne had to work to keep her story positive. She was determined to be a blessing to this woman who had been out sick for so long. She had no facts or reason to believe that the supervisor had done anything wrong.

Here is the truth.

We get to choose how we see things. It is a choice. You have 100% control over your responses even when you cannot control the circumstances. My sister believed this.

The day before the supervisor’s return, a coworker who would be working with the supervisor and Rozanne said, “Well, I may have to work for her but I’m not going to speak to her.” Rozanne asked her why not? The worker replied that this woman had taken advantage of the system and so she wasn’t going to be nice to her. Five months is a good amount of time for a random piece of gossip to really take root.

Rozanne asked her co-worker other questions which were thoughtful and kind. After her questions and her co-workers’ responses Rozanne leaned in and gently said, “You really don’t know,” Her coworker thoughtfully responded, “Well, I guess that’s true.”

The next day the return of the supervisor and her retraining went well. She and Rozanne had great conversations and smiled a lot. Rozanne showed her how to do a couple of tasks in a more efficient way and the woman followed her lead and was grateful.

The coworker Rozanne had spoken with the day before was a new woman when she came to work. She was kind, smiled, and had a good conversation with the returning supervisor. Rozanne said, “I was rather shocked by her delightful countenance toward the Supervisor, but our conversation may have contributed to her change of heart.” It was a pleasant day for all three women. They had made it a good day by choice! They chose the perspective or story they would attend to in the situation. They stayed out of the negative, they choose not to suffer.

Here is the rest of the story.

Rozanne knew she had to make up the income loss. There would be some income from the part-time position she was returning to but the amount would change weekly as she would be on call. She chose not to count that in her budget. She wanted something more secure and stable.

Rozanne teaches exercise classes for the elderly in her city. She has certifications and many years of experience under her belt. She had a thought that she should request a raise. She was teaching four classes weekly and making $90 per class. With the current cost of living, she felt a raise to $125 dollars per class would be reasonable. This was a scary thing for her to contemplate doing but the thought was clear. She went to her computer, sat down, and drafted a letter. After a moment of consternation, she hit send. Within minutes a reply came through that her request for a raise had been granted. WHAT!!!

Later that day she received a letter from the government that her husband’s Social Security had been raised by $100 and hers by $75. Things kept happening and within 48 hours Rozanne had replaced the whole $900.

Was this a lucky break? Was it a coincidence? NO. I have lived this and so has my sister. She took control of her story. She stayed out of blame and the negative. She looked for answers, remained calm and trusting, and took a step. It was a scary step, but she took it. God had her back because she was living true principles.

Rozanne was blessed as she took control and stayed out of victim mode, and this blessed others. The supervisor was welcomed back. She had a wonderful day and could move forward with confidence. The coworker learned the value of letting go of gossip and controlling her story. She had a lovely day and will now continue to support the returning supervisor and will help put gossip to rest. And Rozanne, well she had a great day also, and because she remained positive and was willing to step out in faith and trust, her problem was resolved.

I know this story was long, but it’s important. I have three happiness commandments posted on my wall. They are based on true principles, that when lived, help us let go of suffering, control our responses, and live better lives.

1. Be a Pollyanna. Look for the good. Trust that it is there. Stay out of the negative.

2. Clean the ditch. Farmers know that despite their best efforts ditches get clogged with
garbage. They must be cleaned out regularly so that water can reach the plants and they can grow. It is the same with our thinking.

3. Let go of suffering. Suffering is often a choice based on our perspective, our story. Take the time to clear your mind and look at the facts. Build your story around those facts and then add all the positives you can.

These three ways of being drastically changed my life and if you will use them as my sister did, and as I do, they will change your life too.

Let me end with what Rozanne said to me at the end of our phone conversation. It is worth printing and hanging on your wall:

“Sometimes Heavenly Orchestrations feel like mud! But they work out if we have faith because mud is filled with nutrients and nothing can grow without it.”

What Does Chris Hemsworth Have to do With Being Stress Proof?

Don began watching a series titled Limitless.

Chris Hemsworth, of Thor fame, was concerned about his health and aging and went looking for answers as to how to maintain longer.

After Don watched the first episode he said to me, “Mary, I need you to watch this with me because I think it will help me.” I sat with him as he rewatched the first episode in the six-part series. Frankly, I was interested in this for myself because when you are a full-time caregiver and one of the people has dementia, well, there is stress. : )

I have studied stress, and I know it can cause disease and premature aging. It can wreak havoc on your brain health too. No one wants that. So, I have been working on managing my own stress. In the show, they repeated what I have learned – Controlling chronic stress responses in the body lessens the risk of poor health.

In the episode, Stress Proof, they put Chris into some ridiculously stress-filled situations, and I asked Don how in the world this would apply to a regular person. I’m not going to walk across a beam hundreds of feet above the ground or take drown-proof training. It wasn’t long before it became clear.

Chris was working with a well-known psychologist and as they went through the experiences, she taught him skills that would help him manage his stress better. None of them was new to me. However, it was fascinating to see Chris Hemsworth use them in the moment, to calm his heart rate and breathing. He wore a wired vest that allowed both to be recorded. Just fascinating.

When the psychologist asked Chris why he was willing to go through the crazy experiences she was putting him in he replied, “I don’t want stress to rule my life.” One example he gave was the stress of taking his three kids to a restaurant and them getting crazy loud. I had to laugh. Being a star doesn’t change parenting at all. In fact, according to what I learned as Chris talked and answered questions, he has as much, if not more stress than any of us.

Here is why my husband thought this program could help him.

His health issues require him to have MRIs. The cylinder they usually use is totally out of the question due to his claustrophobia and his anxiety issues. He was able to do it only once and that was in a special unit shaped like a hamburger, with a top and bottom that come together leaving the sides open. However, no matter how great the need, he has not been able to make himself do it again.

After the episode was over, we talked about it. Here is what my husband is considering.
• Setting a date for an MRI.
• Practicing the skills that Chris learned
• Doing the MRI using those skills to get through it

So, what are the skills?

There were four and they are simple and very doable. As I said, these are things I have already been using. However, I am determined to use them more consistently!

1. Positive self-talk. I have written articles on this – controlling my story about myself, and everyday circumstances is what I do every day. It is a constant practice. While Chris was working through the difficult experiences placed before him, he practiced saying and thinking these kinds of things: I can do it. I have what it takes. This is possible for me. I can see myself doing this successfully.

After he had finished a couple of days of seriously stressful situations and was ready to face the final challenge he said, “I am becoming comfortable in uncomfortable environments.”

2. Segmentation. Simply put this is a fancy word for breaking things down into small steps. For my husband Don, that might look like this. Walk to the machine. Get in the machine. Breathe for one minute. Breathe for one more minute and so forth.

At the end of learning about skill number two, Chris said, “I walk through fear. I don’t try to make it go away.” This is what Don is going to experiment with. This is what Chris must do the next time he is in a restaurant with his kids, jettison the fear of what people think and the photos they are taking and focus on his kids, a few minutes at a time.

3. Box breathing. Again, a fancy term for something simple. Box breathing, also referred to as square breathing, is a deep breathing technique that can help you slow down your breathing. It works by distracting your mind as you count to four, calming your nervous system, and decreasing stress in your body. You picture a box and count to four while breathing in. Then count to four along another side of the box while exhaling, and so forth. The point is to control your breath and stay centered in the present moment, to keep your mind from looking at worst-case scenarios and fear-based stories.

4. Mindful meditation. Mindful meditation is a practice that teaches you to slow down racing thoughts, let go of negativity, and calm both your mind and body. I know how powerful this can be. About a decade ago I read a book called Eight Minute Meditation by Viktor Davich. You practice different types of meditation as you read the book and each last only eight minutes. I hated it!!!

Sitting and clearing my mind for eight minutes was more than I thought I could do. However, I found one that worked for me. It was breathing. : ) I focus on my nose and repeat in my mind Breathe in, Breathe out, over and over again. I have used this meditation daily for all these years. It is why I can go to sleep every night, no matter what has happened in the day or what may be coming in the morning. I meditate myself to sleep.

When Don, with my support, practice, and reminders, overcomes his inability to get an MRI it will translate into his being able to manage other challenging things in his life.

Parenting is stressful. Being married is stressful. Ill health causes fear and stress. Some work in very stressful environments. Relationships of all kinds cause stress. Learning how to manage these everyday and unavoidable stresses can lengthen our life, reduce illness, and help us enjoy the moment more often.

Here is an example of a stressful situation and how these skills could have helped.

Don, mom, and I had an appointment. We left in plenty of time because my mom and Don cannot walk far distances or with any speed. When we arrived the facility was redoing parts of the parking lot. There was not a single handicapped parking space open. I dropped mom and Don off and then went looking for another parking place. I can walk fast and far when needed. : )

However, on both levels of the parking area, there was not a single space. Besides that, I was behind an older woman driving very slowly and stopping frequently, for every small thing. I felt my heart rate rise and negative thoughts filled my mind. Lady, move it! Augh, I’m going to be late. They will make us reschedule, and so forth.

I did find a space to park across the street, on another side of the facility, that had been put together for this eventuality. However, there were no signs advising anyone of this lot. When I exited my car, I walked as fast as I could to the building, breathing hard, and worried we would miss the appointment which would have caused some problems for us.

We made it with one minute to spare. As I sat puffing away and feeling stressed, the skills I just mentioned came to my mind. For someone who understands these and uses them, I was mortified that I hadn’t used a single one in this instance. Here is what I could and should have done:
• Used the breathing technique that I use every day that helps me stay calm and go to sleep.
• I could have talked positively to myself. You will make it. It is going to turn out alright. Don’t worry, you got this. And I did have it, we did make it, and it did turn out ok.

When you are ready to explode at one of your kids or your spouse, practice box breathing or another type of breathing that works for you. When you feel fearful or overwhelmed, practice segmentation. Break whatever it is down into small steps in your mind and then take them one at a time.

When you find yourself in a place or with people who are making you feel uncomfortable or less than or if you have behaved in a way that has you angry at yourself, practice positive self-talk. Trust me, this works!

And if you are wise, you will learn how to meditate for at least five minutes a day, or as many days a week as you can manage. I used to do it every day for eight minutes. When we moved, I stopped. That was five years ago. I realize I have cheated myself. I am in a stressful place with people I love, but nonetheless stressful. I have determined to get back on the meditation wagon. I know I do it every day to put myself to sleep but I think I need to do it every morning to stress-proof myself for the day.

If this information intrigues, you even a small amount, I highly recommend you watch the six-part series called Limitless with Chris Hemsworth. At least watch segment one – Stress Proof. You will find it on Disney Plus, Hulu, and Netflix. You can watch the trailer HERE.

You are going to enjoy Chris’s comments about his own stresses and his family.

You will feel so normal. LOL

Guess What Happened Last Saturday?

Last week’s article was vulnerable, and I got lots of emails from women who appreciated my candor. I am relieved. : )

Each week I need to get my article written, formatted, and scheduled, the newsletter written and formatted, and the podcast recorded by Friday night. That is because I NEED Saturday for myself, to do what matters to me. I work diligently to make this happen.

I want to share what I experienced on Friday night and Saturday morning just before that article posted at 9 am Sunday because it is precisely what the article was about. This will not be any easier to write than last Sunday’s article but you are all moms, grandmothers, and women. We struggle with many of the same things, and I know what happened will bring home the message from last Sunday’s article.

Ah, Expectations!

As I said, I work hard to make Saturday my day, as much as that is possible. On Tuesday, I told my husband that on Saturday, I planned to spend the entire day in the yard, and he would need to fix breakfast and lunch. We didn’t have any obligations or appointments that I knew of. I wanted to transplant a dozen plants out to the garden, clean the patio boxes, weed eat, cut down the tree-sized weeds by the chicken coop, and cut back the ornamental grasses.

I want you to know that I LOVE hard labor. I am a crazy woman, I know, but I like the sun, the air, the hoe in my hands, and even working on my knees. This was going to be an amazingly restful, rejuvenating, and satisfying Saturday, despite the work.

Thursday night things began to unravel. There were activities Saturday that would require either Don’s or my attention at home and in the house. But Don knew my plan, right!

Friday evening, I reminded Don that I was going to be in the yard all day Saturday, and he would need to watch Maggie from 10 until 3 and take care of breakfast and lunch. He said, “Wait, can’t I go to Jack’s football game?” I came uncorked. I stood up and strode across the room while yelling, “I told you I needed this Saturday for me,” and I slammed the bedroom door behind me.

The next morning I got up early because I had a lot to do. I thought about the night before. I had to ask myself, “Why were you so mad that you couldn’t respond like an adult.”

I have been practicing controlling my stories for over a decade and I am very good at it. This was a chance to practice some more. LOL I wanted to blame Don for my anger because he had forgotten my Saturday plans but I knew that wasn’t the real reason I was angry.

I knew what it was. I mentioned it in Sunday’s article – if it’s to be it is up to me. I am on my own. I wasn’t going to get the support I needed to do what mattered to me. This is a very old story from my childhood. It rears its ugly head from time to time. It isn’t hard to ferret out.

I also know it is a LIE. My family loves me very much. My husband cares and does his best to be my friend and sweetheart. I have friends that would come to my aid if I asked.

So, what was really happening here? I realized I felt angry in that Friday night moment because my life is different than I planned. I take care of my grands. I care for my mom who can’t care for herself. I care for my sweetheart because he needs help. I don’t speak or teach much anymore. I stood at the sink and wanted to blame someone, maybe God, my circumstances, or others.

My Life is a Choice

However, I had to be honest, I have chosen this life. When Jodie moved 30-minutes away we knew we would not be able to help her as much. We thought about combining our households. I thought about it for 3 months and then I choose to move to Jodie’s home.

When it became obvious that my mother was no longer able to care for herself my sisters and I had to decide, whether we would put her in a nursing home or one of us would care for her. We had many conversations. In the end, I decided to take her. I had learned to be flexible, so I felt I could deal with what comes with Alzheimer’s. I was self-employed, so my schedule was my own. We lived on a mini-farm and she could have her chickens and dog. Again, I put a lot of thought into it and made a clear-headed decision to bring her to our home.

After the first year, I needed to make some decisions about traveling, teaching and speaking. It wasn’t an easy decision and didn’t come overnight. It took me some months to determine how I felt. I decided I could write weekly and that would be enough to continue impacting moms I had come to love.

This year I took on a couple of things that I wanted to do but they have caused me work and stress. I have done well and learned a lot, but the feelings of worry and stress that come with new things joined the fray in my mind and heart Friday night and Saturday morning.

All this thinking, pondering, and being honest happened in that first early morning hour on Saturday as I stood at the sink cutting fruit to dry. However, knowing the truth didn’t take my angst away. I knew I wasn’t done, even though I had sorted out the story. I knew I needed outside support. I didn’t want to call the person I knew could help me the most because I was so emotional, and I didn’t want to bother them. I was fighting the inner battle I wrote about last Sunday.

Then the contents of the article I had written for all of you came into my mind. I made the call. After all, you have to live what you preach. : ) It was a helpful half hour. My friend said, “Thank you for letting me talk you off the cliff.” And there it is. I know what I know, and I share it with you, but I, like you, must decide to use that knowledge.

Let’s Be Wise

That is the definition of wisdom, using what you have learned. Let’s all be wise and reach out for support and help when we need it. Let’s control our stories. Let’s seek the resources we need to heal and grow.

This last week my daughter texted this photo to me. She said, “I thought you would like this picture of a tree making the best of its surroundings. I thought of you right away when I saw it.” That is a legacy I am proud to leave my children. They have seen me learn to search out what I need so I can thrive in difficult circumstances. I have some adult children in that process now, and I am very proud of them!

Let’s not be afraid to be vulnerable, to let others know we don’t know it all and we are not perfect. Allow yourself to find the resources you need to become a better, more whole human being.

Be wise. It will make you a better parent.

If You’re Wise You Seek What You Need

Years ago, I spoke in a church meeting. I had a thoughtful presentation ready. As I sat on the stand waiting my turn, I had a clear thought, “Mention that you were sexually abused as a child.” I was horrified and replied in my mind to that still, small voice, “I don’t want to.” The thought came again, and I replied, “When you tell people stuff like this, they look at you differently, they treat you differently.” Again, a third time I had the same thought. I sat there resisting. I had no intention of sharing that bit of information even though it would fit in with the topic I had chosen to speak on.

When I stood to speak, I reached the place where the information would fit perfectly and be applicable. I did as the voice had suggested. I worried for the rest of the meeting. These were people that I saw weekly and whom I spent time with. How would this impact those relationships?

As we adjourned the meeting, a woman stopped me at the door. She had tears in her eyes. She said, “Thank you for sharing what you did. I have been struggling and have felt so broken because of my experience. But I know you, and you live a good life. You seem healthy and whole. I realized today that if you can heal, I can heal.” I was grateful I had listened to that still, small voice.

Today’s article is like that experience. In fact, it has lain partially written in a file for over a month. I wondered if I would ever share the contents. When I opened my article file this week, I saw the title, opened it, and began writing. I worried for a few days as I wrote and rewrote. However, if this helps even one mom parent better, with more presence and confidence, then that is all I need.

My Story

I lived much of my life thinking if it was to be, it was up to me. That is, in part, because I was the oldest of nine, my dad was an over-the-road salesman and was gone a lot, and my mom was emotionally distant because of her childhood sexual abuse.

That is one of the reasons I married my husband. He felt like a safe place, I could trust him, and I knew in my heart he would be there for me. After only a few dates, I told him about a health condition I had, a kid thing, easily treated. My cousins all suffered the same condition but none of our parents ever took notice, even though they knew about it – pinworms.

At eighteen, I was still suffering. I hadn’t been allowed to make many decisions for myself, and if I did, found myself in trouble. In my final year of high school, I bought my first deodorant. Up until then, we had one deodorant for the whole family. I got a lecture from my dad about my extravagance. Consequently, it never occurred to me to take the initiative and find out how to get rid of pinworms.

Imagine telling your new boyfriend that. Don truly was my safe place. He immediately drove me to the pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist who sold us a small box of purple pills and in a couple of weeks, I was worm free.

The other complication to healing my worm problem was boundaries and the fear of being in trouble. When you aren’t allowed to make decisions, you grow up lacking boundaries. I began working on boundaries when my neighbor, a registered nurse, brought me a pamphlet on anger management. I was shocked and began looking at my life, my responses, and the past. I prayed about my situation, and resources began to appear – books, articles, a friend who had conquered some of my issues, classes, and some counseling.

Imagine raising seven kids if you felt you were on your own and no one was going to help you, and you lacked boundaries and were always afraid of being in trouble, but that is where I began my parenting life. During the next fifty years, I learned that people cared and that I could ask for help.

After a great deal of work, I developed boundaries. I stopped being afraid of getting in trouble. I’ll never forget the day I heard the wail of a police car behind me. Normally, this would have sent my heart racing and my forehead sweating. However, on this day I pulled over without any rush of emotion. As I realized what was happening, a huge smile spread over my face. That policeman was probably confused by the overly happy woman he had just stopped. It was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life. I realized I was not afraid. My boundaries are darn good at this point, and they get better all the time.

During these years of personal healing and acquiring better skills, I was tempted to feel like a failure, a broken person, unworthy. However, I had numerous experiences with that still, small voice that assured me I was enough, I would get better, and all would be well. Looking back, I am grateful for prayer and a power greater than myself that helped me resist whipping myself, calling myself names, etc. even when deeper layers of the same lessons had to be learned, and the skills practiced.

One of the most challenging things as a parent, actually for any adult, is realizing you need help and then being willing to honestly seek the resources you need without condemning yourself or being afraid of not looking perfect to others.

What I Need Now

At seventy-two, I realize I need help and improved skills in this new place I find myself.
I am a full-time caregiver. I care for my mom who has dementia. My husband has many health challenges and needs help. I assist my daughter with her sixteen-year-old who has severe cerebral palsy.

It’s like parenting in some ways but in others it is different. It’s hard watching someone die and that is what I have been doing for years. However, my husband has turned a corner, and we have hope. I think he will be here a while longer. Now, instead of watching him die, I am watching him learn to make personal commitments and practice the skill of consistency.

It is hard watching someone you love deteriorate. However, my mom is also doing better despite her dementia.

Even with these weight-lifting events, it is still stressful. Did you know that 30% of caregivers die before those they are caring for? Some studies show the deaths are higher. Illness that doesn’t lead to death is rampant – depression and auto-immune diseases are high on the list.

Because of this, I have had to do what I have done in the past – look at my life, be honest, and determine what help and skills I need now. I have had to stop ignoring the fact that I don’t have everything I need, I don’t know everything necessary, and I am not always doing what I know.

I sleep and eat very well and get plenty of water. But I struggle with resentment and occasionally anger. I feel frustrated often. I know I am not managing my stress as well as I need to even though I have been mentoring other moms on that very thing for well over a decade. I realize that I need help managing my story and doing what I know how to do to stay emotionally and physically well. Taking control of your words, thoughts, and the resulting stories are vital to a healthy life.

In November, I will do a short stint of counseling to get these things in order. I didn’t want to accept that I needed help. I sure didn’t want to tell all of you because I am supposed to have it all together, right? Even after I made the decision, I drug my feet. I had second thoughts. I’m ok. I’m doing all that needs to be done. I can manage. I know how to do this.

Fortunately, I had a short conversation with a woman I admire at church. I was brave, and the topic came up. I told her I had decided not to move forward in that direction. She replied that every few years she does a short stint of counseling. My friend told me, “It makes my life work better.”

I took heart, got real, managed my boundaries, and made the call. I’m glad I did. I will have a less stressful winter season. : )

Needing mentoring, counseling, a break, help with anger management, or any number of other resources doesn’t mean you are a failure, broken, a bad mom, no matter how often in your life new stuff comes up. It means you are ready for support and new lessons. It means you are prepared to grow.

So, take heart and go for it! Be your own best friend. Talk to yourself kindly. Be willing to be honest and open, and accept the resources that come. Practice what you learn. You will be a better, more present parent for it.

If you’re wise, you seek what you need.

Do You Have An Indicator for Your Life?

Recently, I was sitting at my desk in the corner of my bedroom. My husband was sitting on the bed watching me. Then he said, “Looking at you in your corner is an indication of your life.”

That was an interesting comment. I asked, “In what way?” He said, “It shows your willingness to change and grow. Most people don’t have a corner like that.”

That short conversation was thought-provoking. The fact is I have been challenged this summer in many ways. Caregiving two adults, full-time, has its ups and downs. Living in a four-generation home and caring for four kids, one with severe cerebral palsy has its perks and pits. You all know what I mean because as moms, you are caregiving a bunch of people, both adults, and kids. : )

At seventy-two I need hormone replacement, and this year, from February until now, they have been incorrect. I have been on a roller coaster of emotion, tears, anger, and brain fog that would down a jet! You all know what that is like. Some of you are pregnant. Now, that does stuff to your hormones. Some of you suffer from depression. Some of you are pre or post-menopausal. Need I say more?

I have thought on and off this summer, “I hope I live to see the fall.” Yes, it has been that hard some days and, in fact, some weeks. You are probably commiserating with me because, I dare say, you have been here in one way or another.

So how have I managed this year? By paying attention to that corner Don mentioned and a couple of other places in my home. What I have in these spaces keeps me upright when my world isn’t as settled as I want it to be.

My Office Corner

My office corner is one of those places. Let’s look at what is on the walls. I have a beautiful painting of me shedding baggage. It was a dream I had decades ago, and a cousin painted it for me. I am a seeker, a learner, and a changer, just like Don said. I always have been. This dream came at a hard time in my life and was given as a gift to remind me that I could heal, grow, change, and impact others for good.

I have thoughts and quotes that I read when I enter my office corner that are uplifting and challenging.

Here are a few:

My Happiness Commandments
• Be a Pollyanna
• Clean the ditch-remove garbage thinking
• Let go of suffering

We all need to believe that what we desire in righteousness can someday, someway, somehow be ours. Jeffery R Holland

What is the great cause of Christ? It is to believe in Him, Love as He loved, and do as He did.

God’s prosperity is the power to press forward despite the problems of life.

Intelligence isn’t in you; it exists around you, and you are to connect with it. Answers don’t have to be in your mind. You don’t have to be able to recall everything you read. You just trust that you are an intelligence and answers, and information will flow to you. When you begin pondering something and start talking about it, information flows in.

You can’t wait until life stops being hard to be happy. Aldrin Manimtim

I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you. John 14:18

I have so much to do today, I’ll need to spend another hour on my knees. Martin Luther

What I wrote to remind me of my current mission, to help me have clarity when days are hard – My CLARITY – It won’t be what you would usually think. I live in a four-generation household filled with active children and those who are ill. I am also a published author, teacher, and coach. I post something enjoyable or meaningful daily on Facebook for the parents I write for. I write and publish an article each week, which always elicits comments of hope from my readers. My published book is fabulous. The time will come when I will promote it, speak, and teach on the content again. I have more amazing books in files on my computer that will wait patiently for me to write them. But for now – I am caring for my mother, my ill husband, and helping my daughter care for her 16-year-old with cerebral palsy. This is my path, my mission for now, and my time to serve and patiently wait. It is enough for me.

There are more quotes, but this will give you an idea of where I want my focus to be each day, how I want to think, and who I want to be.

I have my ‘Who I Am’ poster. Two decades ago, I wasn’t sure who I was. So, I picked a picture of a girl, nothing like me at the time. She was happy, bright, and smiling. Then I free-wrote inside her body what came into my mind. For over a year, I would stand in front of this ‘me’ and recite all the wonderful ways of being that are mine. It was life-changing!

I have a chart I made from reading my core spiritual cannon. I love it! It reminds me of who God is, what He is like, and His promises to me. I am proud of that chart. It took some real thought and work. I enjoy reminding myself about my relationship with God and Christ.

Books

There is a stack of books on the desk, those I most want to read soon. In my bathroom, by my bed, and on the corner of my table are three I am currently reading. I LOVE reading but I have very little reading time, so I have become creative. I read only a few paragraphs at a time, and I still read many books a year. I have written a lot about this.

My Vision Wall

On the wall, by the side of my bed, I have my goals and dreams. They used to be things like a home, car, or vacation. Now, for the most part, they are how I want to be. But there are still a few things. I want to make a CD. I am determined to get that done this year. I want to give away 20 pounds of weight and free up energy. (How we phrase a thing matters LOL) I want to be debt-free. These are a few of the dreams I have posted on my wall. They are the last thing I see each night as I turn out the light.

My Morning Routine Basket

I have a basket by my dining table. In it are my gratitude journal, my daily affirmations folder, and my core spiritual cannon. I write 3 things I am grateful for every day, I read in my spiritual cannon, and I recite my affirmations. Do I get it done every day? I wish I could say yes but, on a day when I have to get Maggie, my granddaughter up, feed and dress her, brush her teeth and hair, and give her meds, I might not. But I work to get to it even if it is just before bed. If I don’t get to it, I do it the next day.

What these indicators accomplish

Does having these spaces of positive thought, goals, and dreams around me stop the bad days? NO! This morning was VERY hard. I cried for a few minutes, and I am NOT a crier! I wondered If I would be able to say anything of value in the article I had yet to write.

But here is what these indicators of my life accomplish – they remind me of who I am and the life I am building. They remind me that I matter, that I am strong, that I am not alone, and that I can do great things.

I am not perfect. I have bad days. I occasionally leave important things till the last minute. I get angry and must apologize. I become weary. I am just a mother and grandmother doing my best, but my husband was right, you can tell about my life and me by looking at the thoughts and practices with which I have surrounded myself.

Do the work

Today, I want you to look for the indicators in your home of who you are and how you are growing. If you have them celebrate and then keep using them. If you don’t have spaces that remind you who you are and who you want to be, create some. If you see a quote that moves you, write it out and tape it over your sink or on the bathroom mirror. Begin to surround yourself with how and what you want to be. Let God and the universe know your intention to become more.

If I spoke about a practice that intrigues you, write to me, and I will share how it is done so you can incorporate the practice into your life. If you have a question, ask it. I didn’t heal my wounds and grow to where I am in a vacuum, and you can’t either.

Take the time to create a space that is an indicator of who you are

and the life you are building!

The Parenting Microscope

I was not a perfect parent! Of course, you know that because there are no perfect parents, any more than perfect people. However, it shocks me when I see a poor behavior from my parenting days that has crept into my grandparenting days. Being with children is like being under a microscope, where your strengths and weaknesses are enlarged for you to view.

That is why being a parent can be rough some days…because you are always under that microscope. It eases up a bit when you become a grandparent because you don’t have children 24-7, and when you do have them for longer periods, say overnight, well, you can hold it together. It’s when you have them for more than a few days that the microscope turns back on. That happened to me this month. I went to Washington to help one of my daughters for eight days, to give her mini-breaks, and to love on my grands.

A NOT Perfect Grandparent

My Washington grands are all under ten. They have friends in the neighborhood who match those ages. On some days we would have five or six kids. They can make a lot of noise. : ) I had to work at remaining calm and patient with the noise and the resulting chaos. You know the kind, chalk all over the patio and not in the bucket; water toys on the lawn, not in the pool or even close to it, scooters lying on the lawn, towels dropped on the ground and not hung up on the landing, and so forth.

Meals were somewhat challenging also. I recall that two of my boys wouldn’t eat anything green or red. Augh! My grands have their own picky way of eating. But the final meal was awesome. I lined up all the leftovers on the counter and said, “Pick what you want.” Then I added carrots or cucumbers depending on the child. It was much more enjoyable than being fussed that no one wanted to eat the same food

A ‘Really NOT Perfect’ Grandparent

I remind myself that I grew up in a far different time than my grands are growing up in. No one talked to kids, they just told us what to do. No one ever explored our feelings and what was causing us to behave in a certain way. I can find myself back in that parenting place. After all, it is familiar. What that looks like is me holding up my hand, and saying, “We aren’t going to discuss it further. You know what to do,” in my ‘strict’ voice. Not loud or angry, just absolutely firm.

This isn’t how I grandparent most of the time. But when I’m tired, hungry, or sleep deprived, well… It happened with one of my grands in Seattle. Elliott went to his room upset with me. I told his mom what happened, how he had responded, and how I responded. Kate went to talk with him. He said, “It makes me scared when grandma uses her strict voice.” Oh my gosh. Not how I want them to remember me. But I am still not perfect, even after seventy-two years of getting rid of the garbage and learning new skills.

Later, we were all outside and Elliott was riding his scooter. As he coasted to a stop I said, “Do you want to talk about it.” He said, “No.” I waited and then I used a helpful skill – mini-conversations. As he coasted down the drive and stopped by me again, I said something about scooters in my day. He was intrigued. As he coasted by me a third time, I asked him a question about his scooter. He answered me. The next pass I asked a question about scooters and school. He was even more animated in his response. The next coast down the drive, he asked me a question. I felt the energy change. I was forgiven for not being perfect, for being strict. We hugged at bedtime and had our goodnight talk. All was well.

So, what is the point of sharing these experiences that cast me in a less than stellar light? I am not perfect, and neither are you. I am not always as fun as I would like to be. Sometimes I forget to be the grownup. Sometimes I forget to take breaks and I get too tired. Often, I forget to ask for help with the load. The point is that you will be working on becoming a better parent and grandparent your whole life!

Not Being Perfect Doesn’t Erase the GREAT!

I had interesting bedtime talks with these three little people. I made a huge difference in my daughter’s workload and home. I was great to do chores with. I made them short, quick, and fun. Tessa and I shared quite a few laughs. Elliott, Gus, and I took some great walks. We chatted as we went. I baked with them. I drew chalk pictures with them. We waded in the ocean and collected shells. I solved problems. I laughed with their friends. I sat through the new Minion movie and laughed at what they thought was funny. I helped set up 2 lemonade stands, one for boys and one for girls. I hunted for treasures with Gus. I helped build a fort and cheered them on as they played. I served snacks. : ) I made sure they were safe, fed, dressed and cleaned, hugged and kissed.

Each morning, regardless of the good or bad of the day before, my grands gave me hugs and kisses. We are friends. They think I am a great grandparent. I am not a failure as a grandmother to them despite my occasional strictness, my annoyance, or tiredness. I am a grandmother doing my best and for them, it is enough.

For a week in August and again in September, I will be with other grands while their mom has two surgeries. Most of it will be wonderful but we may have a moment because I am not perfect. But they will love me, and I will focus on the successes.

Parenting, as I said, is like being under a microscope, seeing all your strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately, we tend to focus on our weaknesses and forget about our strengths.

I have a lot of strengths and I no longer beat myself up over my weaknesses but instead remember that anything can be changed. I am still alive and that means there is time for growth and that while I am working on whatever isn’t quite right yet, I need to celebrate what is. And so do you!!

Doing that one small thing, celebrating your successes and growth, will ultimately move you forward –

Not toward being a perfect parent, but a parent worth loving and emulating.

Emotional Weight – What! Part 3

Last year, I wrote a powerful short story about the field I cleared and took care of for a few years. Every time I go into the field to maintain the work that I have done I am reminded of the powerful lessons I learned when parenting and that was confirmed for me in the field. This morning I had another experience that is worth sharing, as some of you may be where I have been and find myself again.

The home we live in was built in 1960. At that time West Point was a small farming community and there were more fields than homes. I believe that our home and the neighbor’s home with the field were built on top of an old dumping ground. While working in our yard I have dug up old bags that at one time held garbage, some remaining. But the biggest clue is the cement that surfaces in the field.

For many years the field next to our home, which I currently keep in order, had decades of debris on the ground and forests of weeds, grass, and sapling trees. After I cut down all the saplings and removed the weeds and grass to bare ground you could see all the cement. I gathered a bucket a day and piled it by the fence. When I had gathered what I could see I thought, “I am glad that job is done.”

Guess what, it isn’t done. Each year more bits of the cement surface. There is no debris, plants, or saplings to hold it under the ground. So each year I have found myself gathering up a bucket a day for a few weeks and adding the contents to the cement pile. Now, if I didn’t understand that sometimes there are layers to the work we do, I would be discouraged. But I know that what was buried will eventually surface and then I can clear it away.

This is like personal healing. It takes work to heal from trauma, tragedy, or from the everyday hurts that we experience as children in school and in our families. We realize there is an issue, so we do the work to heal. We think we have it all taken care of. But down the road more feelings, or stories may show up. When I experienced that in the past I would feel like a failure. I mean didn’t I already do this work. Maybe I just didn’t do a good enough job.

This isn’t the case. Healing is like working in the field. You clear the bits of cement but down the road, more cement may appear, freed from the dirt and rising to the light. You haven’t failed you are just doing the work of healing and it takes time; it is a process.

A few months ago, I had another layer of an old wound resurface. I had worked on this wound a few decades ago and thought it was healed. But here it was again, a new layer to an old story that negatively impacted my life.

I can choose to carry the emotional weight of this wound, or I can take a step. I decided to take a step. I wasn’t sure how to clear what had surfaced so I prayed. I felt that I should buy a love seat for our very tiny living space so that my mom and I could sit next to each other rather than across the room from each other. I was to hug her more, touch her more. Hmmm. We are neither one very touchy-feely, so this was a big step.

Then last week I had another thought. I write three things daily in my gratitude journal. The new thought was that I should write three things about my parents that I am grateful for and do it for at least a month! Wow, a month. That is ninety things I am grateful to my parents for.

I have a wound that I thought was healed but there is another layer. I know I can heal the whole wound from my experience. I know better than to carry the emotional weight of letting it sit. I have decided to move, and the thoughts and resources are coming. It isn’t always easy but I am making progress.

When we find a place where we are not yet whole, we not only carry the pain of whatever the experience was, we carry the emotional weight until we move and do something to heal. That requires that we let go of victimhood. This is easier said than done. I have been on both sides of this fence so I know if we take a small step then resources come, and we can heal. We can let go of that emotional weight. We can STOP being victims of the past or the present.

You are responsible for yourself, your responses, and your happiness. You oversee your healing. Your job is to:

•Be consistent in your efforts
•Believe that you can heal
•Know the resources you need will come
•Understand that you are not a failure because there is still work to do
•That Heaven will support you
•Then take a step

Don’t put off healing. Don’t carry emotional weight that you can put down. Work on what comes up as long as needed, until you are fully free. CHOOSE not to carry the emotional weight of victimhood or old wounds and trauma.

If cement pieces surface in your clean field commit to picking up a bucket a day for as long as it takes. I have done this work. I am doing this work and you can too.

I have a worksheet that details one of the earliest tools I used to begin cleaning my personal, inner field.

If you would like a copy reply to me and I will send it to you. : )

Emotional Weight – WHAT! Part 1

What is Emotional Weight?

A young lady confidently walked around the room while explaining stress management to an audience. With a raised glass of water everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘half empty or half full?’ She fooled them. “How heavy is this glass of water?”, she inquired with a smile. The answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

The young woman replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

That is what I have experienced with emotional weight. Emotional weight is generated when we have things, we know we should do but we put them off. Emotional weight is created when we are not in integrity with ourselves.

Let me give you an example.

I want to have my Saturday free. For that to happen I have to do a little writing every day. I decided to write for thirty minutes each day. It’s not enough time to complete an article, format it, put the newsletter together, and record the podcast. However, thirty minutes gets me going and then I usually write for a longer stretch. For me, it isn’t the writing that is the challenge, it is the starting! You can see that these thirty minutes would be pivotal in keeping on top of my writing deadlines. Even though I have told myself I will do this, and it is printed on my daily worksheet, I frequently do not comply with my own decision. When that happens, I pay a price. I find myself chained to the computer on Saturday when I want to be with my family or out in the garden. Sigh!

Like the glass of water, the burden of that emotional weight gets heavier and heavier. I know I am not in integrity with myself.

To free myself, I need to begin. I need to write each day for thirty minutes. The reality is that I will miss a day here and there but if I just pick it up again the next day, no weight. It is the promise to myself and then not keeping the promise that causes the weight. This happens to all of us.

The Key!

The key to removing the emotional weight is to move. Do one thing. If I wrote even three days a week to begin with, can you see how much better I would feel? I need to start and then practice with consistency keeping my promise to myself.

You know you can’t mentor what you don’t do so I have been keeping my word this week. It is Wednesday and I have made significant progress. I’m feeling pretty good about myself.

I am sure you have something that is causing you to feel emotional weight. Maybe you have promised yourself to do it. Maybe you have a plan for accomplishing it. But you haven’t moved. You haven’t done what you said you would. You know you are out of integrity, and it is heavy.

I encourage you to put that emotional weight down. Begin. You can’t fail, although you might have to make some adjustments. I assure you that the relief you will feel from beginning is wonderful. There will be a sense of satisfaction. Putting down emotional weight by taking that first small step feels really, really good!

Next week I am going to share a second, more universal example. I laugh to myself because I’ll bet 99.9 percent of you will be able to relate.

Getting on top of the mess – A Lesson on Consistency

A few weeks ago,

I felt pressed to visit my friend, Judy, whose husband died last year, and I felt she needed something. After two days of this ‘pressing’ feeling, I went. I found that she was stressed out about her front yard and being able to manage it. One bush had a ton of grass growing around the base, and Judy could see it from her front window. She was reminded every day that it needed weeding.

Judy has always managed the front garden beds; her husband didn’t weed. Don ran the machines. : ) But he is gone, so the whole dynamic has shifted, leaving Judy feeling stressed. It wasn’t more than she was used to, but she was alone, and that complicated things in both her heart and mind.

She was also feeling a tad angry because no one had ever stopped to help her. When she was out front weeding, her neighbors would wave or honk as they drove by. Anger is a secondary emotion, and I believe what she was feeling was invisible as if she didn’t matter. I have been there, and I can relate. Our number one need is to be seen; to matter.

Anyway, I could see how simple it would be to get her yard in shape and maintain it. After all, I am the queen of consistency, which is a principle of power. : ) I talked to her about what I had learned from two hard years in the neighbor’s field. I had experienced that it didn’t matter how intimidating the job, with God all things are possible if we are consistent with small amounts of time.

I encouraged her to work in her yard in the morning for 20-30 minutes five days a week. Then I felt impressed to tell her that I would come on Monday and get her started. I did. Then I decided to go every day that week because people need to practice being consistent. They need support while developing a new habit or instituting a new system.

Judy and I were able to get almost the entire front bed done, and Judy felt great about it. We never worked over 30 minutes, in fact, most days, twenty. Judy said that this felt like something she could continue to do.

As I hugged her goodbye that Friday morning she mentioned that it would be great to have some accountability so she would keep going. : ) Isn’t this why we hire coaches and have best friends. LOL We all need support and accountability.

I texted her Monday and then again on Wednesday. She was staying consistent. By Sunday Judy had finished the last of the front beds. (She had decided to not take Saturday off.) We had only gotten started on that bed Friday, and it was a bit intimidating, with lots of grass. Way to go Judy!!

I have been practicing consistency since I was a mom with seven children. I wasn’t always consistent, but I have had to learn some hard lessons about the power of consistency. It’s not the BIG moves we make in life that make the difference; it is the small and simple things that we do consistently.

If consistency is not your forte, it can become so, I promise. I have learned how to be consistent; I have mentored many mothers and helped them become consistent, and I have been an accountability best friend often. I have seen this skill learned.

BUT, and this is a big BUT, you do not become consistent by working on all the places in your life that are a mess. You must choose one small place to begin. Maybe it is making your bed each morning no matter how tired you are or how badly you need to pee. LOL

Maybe it is having your family put their dishes in the dishwasher after every dinner meal. It might be doing the laundry on Thursday, no matter what. Possibly it is going to bed at the same time each night, regardless of what is left to do. I have had to practice ALL these things over the years and many more.

Here are five tips to get you started.

1. Pick one thing. What are you going to work on? For Judy, it was keeping the front garden beds weed-free. For me, right now, it is getting up at the same time each morning. What is your plan?

2. Know the steps you will take. Judy decided that each morning, five days a week, before noon, she would weed; unless it was raining, and then she gets a break. : )

For me, it is to make sure my alarm goes off at the same time each day, six days a week. Church begins late on Sunday, and I allow myself to sleep in.

3. Understand flexible consistency. When I first began talking about this idea, I got blank stares. I mean, if you are consistent, it is exactly the same every day, right? Well, within a consistent framework. Judy gives herself all morning to get it done. She hopes to be out in the yard by eight, but things happen.

I work with moms, and something is always happening! When I first coined the phrase, I was working with homeschool moms. For some, if they didn’t get school started by 8, they felt like failures. That kind of thinking does not help maintain consistency. Flexible consistency would say that you plan to begin school sometime between eight and nine-thirty. Flexible consistency fits a family better.

What flexible consistency does not mean is that you can do it or not. Don’t get confused. You do it every day.

4. Practice – not perfection. We will rarely if ever, be perfect at anything. I am darn good at self-management, but I am not perfect. I can hear my husband breathing a sigh of relief because I am VERY self-directed, and perfect would drive him nuts. LOL I get up at the same time most days. However, now and then, I don’t, for one reason or another. I do not panic. I simply get up on time the next day.

Even if you are not perfect, keep practicing. It is the simple act of consistently doing something the best you can that will, over time, make all the difference.

5. Get support and be accountable. That may mean a therapist, a mentor, or a coach. It could be your best friend who asks you how you are doing, or it might be a neighbor like I am to Judy. Support and accountability can make all the difference in your quest for consistency.

I am a list gal and have a list for every day and everything. I feel deeply accountable to my list because I want to cross it off. I don’t need a friend to check on me. The list does the job.

But a list would never work for my husband. He needs someone to be accountable to. That is what Judy needed. It doesn’t matter what works for you, find a way to be accountable and get support.

If you will pick one thing, know the steps, be flexibly consistent, practice the best you can, and get support and accountability, then you can become the queen of consistency in your life too, one thing at a time.

When you are consistent over the long haul you can make magnificent changes.

I promise!

Are You Up To Your Neck In Love?

Monday was my last day in Seattle.

The trip was a mixed bag, if I am honest. The kids and I had some great times, and I kept Gus worn out. : ) He had one nap and wanted another Saturday, but we were busy. This from a boy who has all but given up naps.

But as I said, it has been a mixed bag. I brought a deck of question cards which we used at meals and bedtime. It was hilarious and so much fun. BUT Sunday night, we had a zinger of a question – Tell me about an experience that helped you feel my love for you? Gus just laughed. Tessa said, “Well, you have let me snuggle with you.” She has slept with me every night. She wakes up in the wee hours and crawls in. You all know how kids spread out!

That has been part of the reason for Elliot’s answer –“Well, I haven’t gotten yelled at too much.” What? I don’t yell, but I have a stern voice that comes out when I am tired, frustrated, or at a loss about what else to do. My hormone replacement pills went missing for three days, which didn’t help, but he was right; I had some grouchy moments with everyone.

I went to bed that last night a little teary-eyed and thought about it. I mean, grandma’s want to be perfect, and frankly, I am not. There are moms who trust me and what I share here. I couldn’t let them think that I am super happy all the time, not ridged occasionally, always patient and upbeat, or that I don’t ‘yell.’ It wouldn’t be fair.

In fact, just yesterday, one of my clients said, “I saw some of your posts from Seattle. It looks like you had a wonderful time, and so did the kids. You are amazing.” And many Facebook comments were saying the same as if we had a perfect time and I was always smiling and fun and, well, perfect.

Those comments and what my client said stung a bit. Here is the truth – I am amazing, BUT I am also ordinary. I am just an everyday woman doing her best, and my best isn’t always enough. My best fluctuates.

Wouldn’t it be great to be perfect, to play all the time and like it, never to get tired and crabby, always to be cheerful and fun, never to use your ‘stern/yell’ voice. It would eliminate the worried nights when you know you haven’t been the way you want to be. But here we are, just ordinary people working to do the ‘extraordinary’ thing, caring well for others.

This doesn’t just happen to me when I wrangle three little kids at seventy-two years old. It happens at home, wrangling my mom and my husband and all the rest that goes with living in a four-generation household. I have been working on changing my way of being to be more charitable. That last night in Seattle, I felt as if I had made NO progress at all in decades. I mean, I still get grumpy, am impatient, and am not always long-suffering, kind, humble, well behaved, concerned with others rather than myself, grateful, not provoked, etc. I can list them off because I have them written on the first page of my scriptures. I look at the list regularly because, after all, it is my goal.

There is a space between stimulus and response. The thing that has changed for me over the years is that that space has gotten wider. I rarely go off now and wonder what happened. I know I am choosing. I see that space, and I feel myself making a choice. Sometimes that is harder and is a mixed blessing for sure, to know you chose to be uncharitable with those you love. Thank goodness God, and Christ love me despite my weakness.

Monday, my last day as caretaker for the kids, was good. I got them off to school with minimal chaos and lots of smiles and hugs. I managed Gus well, who was tired and a little grumpy. After school, we used our question cards, our goal was to ask them all, and we made it. : ) We had a great supper and laughed and talked. Then mom and dad came home, and happiness exploded all over everyone.

That last night in Seattle, as I lay in bed pondering the good and not so good times we had, I wondered how the grands would feel the next time I came to visit? It was a question mark in my mind. However, little kids are forgiving. They love unconditionally. A couple of weeks ago, I posted on Facebook about my grandma and the tough times we had because I was a bed-wetter. But I still loved her. I always wanted to go to her house.

I feel that is the case here because of what Tessa did on Sunday. We were in the kitchen, and I was fixing some food. She said, “Grandma, let me see how tall I am to you.” So we stood chest to chest, and she measured from her head to my body. It was right at my neck. Tessa laughed and said, “I am as high as your neck, grandma. You are up to your neck in love!”

I would rather not have written this article, but I cannot let my friends and fellow parents think I am perfect because I’m not. And neither are they. It isn’t fair to simply post pictures of smiling kids doing crafts, rollerblading, and all the rest. We have to support each other in our weaknesses and our strengths. So thanks for being here, reading what I write, believing my words, and allowing me to be honest. : ) I still work on my goal of a tender and softened heart, to feel charity every day. I suspect that I will get better and better. In fact, when I shared this experience with my daughter Jodie, she assured me that I was SO much different than when I was a young mom. Glad to know I am making progress even when it feels like I’m not.

So hang in there, keep working on yourself. Be consistent. It is a lifetime job. Don’t let discouragement get in your way.