Tag: consistency

We Can’t Stop Our Lives, But We Can Invite Others In

In an article I wrote in September 2024, titled The Five-Year Lesson, I detailed how I transitioned from not nurturing relationships to consistently engaging in them. In the latter half of 2025, I’ve experienced the wisdom of that five-year lesson. I’m glad I listened to God and myself and took some challenging steps, even though it seemed like just another thing on my very full plate.

For Example

In 2024 and the first half of 2025, I walked three days a week with my friends Livia and Alysia. At that time, we were able to select specific days and a time that worked for all of us. Then we consistently showed up. I was surprised to find it so uplifting to my spirits. Then, at the end of July, Livia crashed on her bike. We walked a couple of times after that, but she discovered she had fractured her ankle and had bad sprains in her legs and hands. She had to take a break. Alysia and I walked a few times, but Don had hand surgery and then hip surgery, and Alysia’s child with type 1 diabetes needed more night and morning care. We found it difficult to maintain our routine. Then, on Sept 3, I had a hip replacement. The walking was done for all of us.

As Livia and I healed, and Alysia’s son’s diabetes became more manageable, school began again. Livia and Alysia were caught in a huge pile of kid stuff that hadn’t been a consideration the year before. For example, Livia’s son is a drummer in the marching band. She drove him to practice every weekday and then spent from early morning until late Saturday evening at competitions. We realized that to connect consistently (not just texting), we would have to manage in a new way. What could we do?

Here’s What Happened

Two weeks ago, Livia contacted me. She had an appointment cancellation and wondered if she could walk (yes, walk) to my home for a short 30-minute visit. Then she had another appointment. We wouldn’t be home from Don’s doctor’s appointment till noon, and the hospice nurse was coming at 1:30. I said, “Yes, come. We’ll fit it in.”

When Livia arrived, I was preparing a quick lunch before the nurse came. She stepped in and helped me fix the food. We talked and laughed. I invited her to eat. She confessed she had quickly downed some salad before hightailing it to my house, was still hungry, and would love to. As we sat at the table eating together, it was wonderful. We laughed. It felt like old times, and even though we had crammed it into a small space in our day, we ENJOYED it. We stepped outside and took a photo to remember the day.

Two days later, I was walking in the aisles of Smith’s Market Place, laughing and talking with Alysia. We had 30 minutes together. It was fun, there was plenty of light, the bakery smelled delicious, and it was warm. No wind. LOL We were able to catch up. It was a relief for both of us to talk with someone who listened, smiled, and let us hold our feelings. We began the walk with a big hug and ended it the same way. We stopped in front of a popcorn display and took a photo, again, to remember the day. Then I finished shopping.

In both cases, it wasn’t what we were used to. No path, trees, birds, sun, privacy, and we had to squeeze it in between other appointments. However, as Alysia said at one point, “We can’t stop our lives, but we can invite others in.” These encounters make a difference in our mental, emotional, and physical health. So, we’re fitting each other into our daily stuff the best we can. Nurtured friendships are worth the time and effort they take.

When Livia left after lunch, she said, “Let’s set another time, or you know we won’t do it.” How right she is, and as Alysia said, while we walked the grocery store aisles, “We can’t stop our lives, but we can invite others in.” Today, Saturday, Alysia and I walked at 2. I almost cancelled becuase of family stuff. I’m glad I didn’t, as it was her birthday. Next week, band competitions will be finished, and Livia will join us at 9 or 10. We’re still working it out. We will continue to connect in these simple and still consistent ways.

For now, this is where we are, and it’s working.

A Series of conversations – Start Where You Are, Use What You Have, Do What You Can

A few Sundays ago, my husband tuned in to a show my mom likes to watch, Music and the Spoken Word. The episode he pulled up for her was from Jan. 12, 2025.

It was an interesting and thought-provoking 30 minutes, and Don and I had a conversation about it. We had experienced what was shared. Our experiences weren’t as dramatic as the one shared in the program, but they were powerful for us, nonetheless.

Lloyd D. Newell, who was the moderator at the time, began by saying, “Every great thing has a beginning. A business begins with an idea. A piece of art develops from a moment of inspiration. A skill set or talent blossoms from a desire to try something new. Anything great or grand first comes from something small and simple.” I knew what he said was true. I’ve heard this in many seminars and classes and have read it in books. Even more than this, I have lived it.

However, I have also experienced that beginning, taking that first step, can be intimidating. The program and my conversation with Don got me thinking about what I have learned and experienced, both successfully and at times, less successfully. Beginning is a practice. Like riding a bike, you must begin, and then keep going, even if you fall a few times.

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

Arthur Ashe, the first African American winner of the Men’s US Open Championship, shared his thoughts on how to take that first step, how to begin. He said, “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”

It doesn’t seem like that would be enough, but it is. That has been my experience. I have written about the importance and magnificence of small and simple things, done consistently, and the amazing results that come.

Newell shared the story of Sarah Gilbert, whose life exemplified what Arthur Ash shared and what I have lived. Her first step towards a grand goal seemed impossible. In 1851, Sarah wanted to immigrate to America with her family. Her family was large, and their funds were small. There was no way for them to accomplish such a high goal, or so it appeared. Sarah thought about her options, came up with an idea, and then began right where she was, with what she had. She did what she could.

She bought a blind horse and an old wagon. Her husband repaired the wagon and added eight seats to the wagon bed. Each week, Sarah would take paying customers to town to do their shopping. While in town, Sarah would buy simple things she could resell in her small village. Each week, she saved a few pennies. I’m sure when she looked at the jar of savings, it was discouraging, at times. I mean, a few pennies a week. How could this ever get her family to America?

Sarah did eventually get her family to America! It took 27 years. She stuck with her simple system week after week, no matter how discouraging it felt, and, in the end, by small and simple steps, done consistently, she accomplished the impossible. She started where she was. She used what she had, and she did what she could. The result was amazing.

The ideas and dreams we each have require action. We must begin somewhere, even if we aren’t sure how we can make it happen. We must take the first step, where we are, with what we have, and then keep taking steps.

Becoming a successful speaker, teacher, and coach for over a decade began with one small step

When I was five, I decided I wanted to be a speaker. When I was eight, I knew I would write and publish a book. Then I married and raised seven children in Montana. I couldn’t see how any of this could come to pass for me. When I was in my early fifties, we moved to Utah, and I was asked to speak at a homeschool meeting. I didn’t feel competent at that time, even though I had homeschooled my last two children. But I took that step, and ten years later, I was speaking and teaching all over the United States, and I had a published book. All because I was willing to step out and take that first small, scary step.

You Must Start Somewhere

Newell ended the program by sharing this thought – “A simple idea inspires action and action is repeated and improved upon over time, eventually turning into something grand. No great thing can ever be accomplished if you don’t start somewhere.”

This success formula led me to become a speaker and published author. However, even before then, I was using this formula. I wasn’t even aware I was utilizing a success principle. : ) To help raise our seven children in Montana with small means, I taught myself to decorate cakes. I reached out to a woman who was a professional, and she graciously helped me. Then, for over 21 years, I created amazing cakes so my children could have shoes, a new sweater, go on a camping trip, and for one daughter, a trip to Europe in high school. She and I made cakes together and sold them in our neighborhood and church to help fund her trip.

Like Sarah, if you looked at our means, you would have thought it was impossible to do what we did. But we lived the formula, even when we didn’t know we were doing anything important. I began where I was. I had taken a cake class in high school, and that gave me the courage to try. : ) I used what I had, a friend whom I bravely asked for help. I did what I could. I kept learning, practicing, and selling cakes to help care for our family.

Do you have a dream? Is there something you want to accomplish that seems too lofty? Start where you are, use what you have, and do what you can.

You will be successful.

A Little Here and a Little There, with Consistency, Conquers!

Four years ago, I wrote an article detailing how I cleared a field by myself in a nine-month period with a hoe and a rake. It was arduous, sort of like growing a baby. : ) The purpose of the article, was to demonstrate that we can accomplish very challenging things if we understand the principle of taking small steps with consistency. I also shared what I learned in those nine months.

My life seems filled with opportunities to prove to myself, repeatedly, that consistency in small things really can accomplish BIG things, things we thought we couldn’t do.

Last year, I thought I should help some neighbors with their yard. Really! Don’t I have enough to do? But it was a clear thought, so I decided to give it a go. My friends have serious health challenges, and they need help. So, I began.

Not long after I began weeding the flower beds, a member of my church congregation walked by. He shared that over the years, groups had come from the church to help, and he and his wife had helped. Then he said, “It will look the same in a month.” But I knew that I had made a commitment and that I had a plan to help me get this work done and keep it done. I smiled and replied, “Not this year.”

I knew I could clear these flower beds and put the yard in order because two years before I had cleared the field. This wasn’t going to be nearly as hard. I also knew that because I understand the principle that small things done consistently really can make a difference, I would be able to do the job. This applies to clearing a field by hand, keeping a neighbor or your own yard in order, keeping your home in order, relationships, growing a baby, anything.

This Year Feels Intimidating!

I want to do some cleaning and organizing projects this year, but it feels intimidating. I want to do my regular spring cleaning, you know, cleaning out cupboards, under beds, oven, refrigerator, drawers, and bookshelves. I have made a list of all the projects. Then there are the outside projects. I want to sort my stuff and minimize it. I need to reorder the garage and clean out my shed. I have a garden and flower beds.

Add to this the fact, that I am helping my daughter and her family and caring for Don and my mom. I also write a post every day and publish one article a week. Yeah, it is a lot of stuff, and with that stuff, I need to find time for myself to think, read, and rest. You can see why it might feel intimidating. But I want to do these things. They will make me happy. Yup, work and organizing makes me happy. LOL

Last year I experimented with small steps and consistency when it came to all the projects I needed and wanted to do. Of course, when you begin a large project, it can take extra time. The field, in the beginning, took 3-4 hours a day, six days a week. But once it was in order, the time went down significantly. I give it 30 min a day in the early spring, but by mid-June, I am down to 15 minutes every other day. My neighbor’s yard takes 30 minutes a day until mid-June, then it is 15 minutes every other day. In fact, just this week, I decided to go once a week, work on the garden, and then visit for half an hour. Just once a week. That is still consistent and will be enough. Can you see how consistency can pare a thing down over time and make it manageable?

Spring cleaning last year was a challenge. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do the whole kitchen in a day. This is how I used to manage. I had the energy and put other important things, like kids and events, on hold. I don’t do that anymore. I know that if I break a job into smaller bites and am willing to consistently give time to those small bites, then whatever it is will get done without sacrificing family or self.

This is something I have had to learn the hard way. I am a finisher by nature, and I want to finish. No small bites for me. Just get it done! BUT I know from experience that finishing works better, in a busy life, if we break the thing into small steps and then give consistent effort. Do I still struggle to live this? Absolutely! After all, I am a finisher, and that hasn’t changed, but I have grown wiser. This wisdom helps me get just as much done, over time, without sacrificing important things like self and family.

How It Looks Now

Back to last year’s spring cleaning. Let’s look at the kitchen. I would assign myself 1-3 cupboards in the kitchen, depending on the day. Another day would be the oven or two shelves in the fridge, etc. It took me two months to finish the kitchen. As I said, in the old days I would have knocked it all out in one eight-to-ten-hour day.

Then I moved on to the bookshelves, the bathroom, the bedrooms, etc. Over the summer, I got it all done. I can’t call it spring cleaning anymore. Hmmm, a better term would be Maintaining Order Over the Long Haul. LOL

Here is what this week looked like as I began my Maintain Order regime:
Monday – Clean one bottom cupboard the on west wall in the kitchen.
Tuesday – Clean the turnstile and lime away the shower.
Wednesday – One kitchen drawer and one bedroom drawer.

You get the drift. Does this feel irritatingly bothersome and slow? I get it. But along with these simple steps, I fix three meals, manage another person’s meds, bathe another person twice a week, help with Maggie and my other grands when Jodie is working, do laundry, sweep, and vacuum, water the garden, deadhead the flowers, get the mail, buy groceries…you get it because this is what a moms life looks like. So, when we have a big project, we must find a way to fit it in and still do all the other things that are required.

It’s Not Just About Spring Cleaning

Spring cleaning isn’t the only thing I am talking about. What if your relationship with one of your kids is strained? What are the small daily steps you can take while still doing all the other things moms do?

What about a mini conversation as you drive them to track practice? Your child may only mumble a few words, but over the summer, it will count. Maybe you decide to give a random touch three times a day. What about sitting at a meal together regularly despite everyone’s busy-ness?

There is work to do to keep relationships in order, be a PTA president, teach a class at church, maintain a friendship, or any of the other ‘things’ that come along while still maintaining home and family relationships. To add something we want to do, like spring cleaning or training for a marathon, LOL and not inadvertently subtracting the things that matter most, such as relationships and self-care, it is vital to understand:
•Breaking big projects, of whatever kind, into small bites or steps helps them get done without sacrificing anything important.
•Consistency in doing the steps or bites we have determined will and does make ALL the difference.

When we break important projects into small steps and then commit to being consistent, we can accomplish miracles.

Just Do It!

Back in 2013, when Jodie and her family moved into our three-bedroom apartment while looking for a new home, I was reminded of many things I had forgotten since my children had grown up and moved away. It takes flexibility to manage a family. Things don’t always go the way you plan, and moving forward when things aren’t just what you want, well, that is the road to feeling good as a family. Here is a peek back to that ‘learning’ time. By the way, Jodie was homeschooling Maggie and Jack and bringing Mary on board. It was a big load!

What does ‘Just Do It’ look like?

There are some real advantages to having a family of six move in with you, especially if they have four children, six and under. I have gotten a bird’s eye view reminder of what it is REALLY like to parent, and home educate. I have been thinking back to my own days of doing both these things, and this has brought back memories, some good and some bad.

Today was a particularly interesting and REAL day. I had to share. It was an example of what “just do it” means in a family.

I heard the children at about 6:30, but I didn’t get up until after 7:00. It was quiet in the living room with Jodie busily working on her computer while the children watched a movie around her. That is how Jodie gets her own devotional and study time accomplished from 6:30 to 8:00. The movie is essential. We all know that watching a movie isn’t the best way to occupy children, but you do what you can, right?

Breakfast happens in shifts as each child awakes. It takes about an hour to feed Maggie, the six-year-old with CP, so Jodie often does that while she reads her scriptures or plans the day. If all goes well, and today it did, everyone is happy, it feels peaceful, and all are fed by 8:00 or so.

I might mention that on some days, one or more children have two breakfasts because by the time the first wakes till the last awakens, or Jodie has time to get food to each one, several hours can go by. By then, early risers are ready for breakfast number two. In fact, I had forgotten how often you must stop and get food for someone in this age group! No matter how your morning goes, as you move towards learning time, you keep going.

On mornings when it all doesn’t go as smoothly as today, it might be 10:00 before everyone is fed and dressed. Those are the noisy and sometimes exhausting mornings. You just keep smiling, hugging, and remembering that this too, will pass. It doesn’t matter if school begins later if it happens.

‘Just do it’ keeps everything moving when it’s not perfect!

Next, it’s getting ready for the day, taking off pajamas and getting dressed, changing diapers. This is less peaceful and usually goes less smoothly; you know how it is. One child doesn’t like what you have given them to wear, another doesn’t want their diaper changed, a third won’t hold still long enough to get dressed, and all the while Maggie, is asking for her iPad with a loud “Where are you” squeal.

Then we move to the family devotional. Quiet reverence is not the standard here. There is family singing with one voice, Jodie’s. Then a lot of “sit down, fold your arms, can you listen please” and sighing…on mom’s part. As I watch and occasionally participate, I sometimes think that I would bag it and move on. Jodie is a stalwart for sure. She is a master of ‘just do it.’

By about 10:15 today all was finally accomplished. Jodie had showered and dressed. (How she got a shower I am not quite sure!) Next, it was family work. Family work is never called chores. It isn’t a chore to do your part in your family. Chores are saved for consequences when you forget to do as asked in a pleasant way, which on some days can be often! : )

Family chores are one way that Jodie helps the children gain confidence and pride in their abilities. Jack was supposed to fold clothes. I saw Jodie pull folded dishcloths out of the drawer, unfold them, and give them to Jack to fold. (He didn’t see her unfold them.) This happened because there wasn’t any clean laundry to fold. It wasn’t that there wasn’t any laundry; it was just all still dirty. Often laundry takes a back seat to what really matters. : )

Mary was assigned to empty wastebaskets while Benny carried his little broom around copying the Bigs in his life. Maggie swept and vacuumed, and she loves helping. It will always be a special treat to her because it is never mundane.

After family work, it was school. Today, they read the classic they are working on, “Raggedy Ann and Andy”. Then they played ball. Maggie needs help with this activity. Jack is a great big brother and did his part. Then we made hedgehogs.

A few days earlier, I was telling the kids about hedgehogs. We looked at pictures and videos online and they were so taken with them. Today, out of the blue, Jack asked to make a hedgehog!

His mom didn’t put him off so that she could find a pattern and get the stuff needed. She just threw some odds and ends together. She used what she had because the interest was now. In a day or two it would probably be gone. Sparks, or what interest a child, can have a short shelf life. The younger the child the shorter the shelf life. : )

I was so busy helping that I didn’t get a photo of the table before the project began. I would have loved for you to see it. It was a disaster. Most of what we used for dinner was still there from the night before. I am sorry to have to confess that, but there it is. Some nights we move on to something else right after the meal and often, well, we are tired. : ) Jodie did what any great mom would do. She pushed it out of the way and carried on.

Here, in a borrowed home, in cramped quarters, that was all of it, all there was to “school” and taking care of ‘family time.’ There are thoughts in both our minds, mine, and Jodie’s, about what a successful home education and family-together day should look like. This is what it looks like for now.

Instead of requiring everything to be ‘just right’ before you move forward, decide instead to ‘just do it!’

It’s progress, not perfection that gets the job done.

Getting on top of the mess – A Lesson on Consistency

A few weeks ago,

I felt pressed to visit my friend, Judy, whose husband died last year, and I felt she needed something. After two days of this ‘pressing’ feeling, I went. I found that she was stressed out about her front yard and being able to manage it. One bush had a ton of grass growing around the base, and Judy could see it from her front window. She was reminded every day that it needed weeding.

Judy has always managed the front garden beds; her husband didn’t weed. Don ran the machines. : ) But he is gone, so the whole dynamic has shifted, leaving Judy feeling stressed. It wasn’t more than she was used to, but she was alone, and that complicated things in both her heart and mind.

She was also feeling a tad angry because no one had ever stopped to help her. When she was out front weeding, her neighbors would wave or honk as they drove by. Anger is a secondary emotion, and I believe what she was feeling was invisible as if she didn’t matter. I have been there, and I can relate. Our number one need is to be seen; to matter.

Anyway, I could see how simple it would be to get her yard in shape and maintain it. After all, I am the queen of consistency, which is a principle of power. : ) I talked to her about what I had learned from two hard years in the neighbor’s field. I had experienced that it didn’t matter how intimidating the job, with God all things are possible if we are consistent with small amounts of time.

I encouraged her to work in her yard in the morning for 20-30 minutes five days a week. Then I felt impressed to tell her that I would come on Monday and get her started. I did. Then I decided to go every day that week because people need to practice being consistent. They need support while developing a new habit or instituting a new system.

Judy and I were able to get almost the entire front bed done, and Judy felt great about it. We never worked over 30 minutes, in fact, most days, twenty. Judy said that this felt like something she could continue to do.

As I hugged her goodbye that Friday morning she mentioned that it would be great to have some accountability so she would keep going. : ) Isn’t this why we hire coaches and have best friends. LOL We all need support and accountability.

I texted her Monday and then again on Wednesday. She was staying consistent. By Sunday Judy had finished the last of the front beds. (She had decided to not take Saturday off.) We had only gotten started on that bed Friday, and it was a bit intimidating, with lots of grass. Way to go Judy!!

I have been practicing consistency since I was a mom with seven children. I wasn’t always consistent, but I have had to learn some hard lessons about the power of consistency. It’s not the BIG moves we make in life that make the difference; it is the small and simple things that we do consistently.

If consistency is not your forte, it can become so, I promise. I have learned how to be consistent; I have mentored many mothers and helped them become consistent, and I have been an accountability best friend often. I have seen this skill learned.

BUT, and this is a big BUT, you do not become consistent by working on all the places in your life that are a mess. You must choose one small place to begin. Maybe it is making your bed each morning no matter how tired you are or how badly you need to pee. LOL

Maybe it is having your family put their dishes in the dishwasher after every dinner meal. It might be doing the laundry on Thursday, no matter what. Possibly it is going to bed at the same time each night, regardless of what is left to do. I have had to practice ALL these things over the years and many more.

Here are five tips to get you started.

1. Pick one thing. What are you going to work on? For Judy, it was keeping the front garden beds weed-free. For me, right now, it is getting up at the same time each morning. What is your plan?

2. Know the steps you will take. Judy decided that each morning, five days a week, before noon, she would weed; unless it was raining, and then she gets a break. : )

For me, it is to make sure my alarm goes off at the same time each day, six days a week. Church begins late on Sunday, and I allow myself to sleep in.

3. Understand flexible consistency. When I first began talking about this idea, I got blank stares. I mean, if you are consistent, it is exactly the same every day, right? Well, within a consistent framework. Judy gives herself all morning to get it done. She hopes to be out in the yard by eight, but things happen.

I work with moms, and something is always happening! When I first coined the phrase, I was working with homeschool moms. For some, if they didn’t get school started by 8, they felt like failures. That kind of thinking does not help maintain consistency. Flexible consistency would say that you plan to begin school sometime between eight and nine-thirty. Flexible consistency fits a family better.

What flexible consistency does not mean is that you can do it or not. Don’t get confused. You do it every day.

4. Practice – not perfection. We will rarely if ever, be perfect at anything. I am darn good at self-management, but I am not perfect. I can hear my husband breathing a sigh of relief because I am VERY self-directed, and perfect would drive him nuts. LOL I get up at the same time most days. However, now and then, I don’t, for one reason or another. I do not panic. I simply get up on time the next day.

Even if you are not perfect, keep practicing. It is the simple act of consistently doing something the best you can that will, over time, make all the difference.

5. Get support and be accountable. That may mean a therapist, a mentor, or a coach. It could be your best friend who asks you how you are doing, or it might be a neighbor like I am to Judy. Support and accountability can make all the difference in your quest for consistency.

I am a list gal and have a list for every day and everything. I feel deeply accountable to my list because I want to cross it off. I don’t need a friend to check on me. The list does the job.

But a list would never work for my husband. He needs someone to be accountable to. That is what Judy needed. It doesn’t matter what works for you, find a way to be accountable and get support.

If you will pick one thing, know the steps, be flexibly consistent, practice the best you can, and get support and accountability, then you can become the queen of consistency in your life too, one thing at a time.

When you are consistent over the long haul you can make magnificent changes.

I promise!

Are You Up To Your Neck In Love?

Monday was my last day in Seattle.

The trip was a mixed bag, if I am honest. The kids and I had some great times, and I kept Gus worn out. : ) He had one nap and wanted another Saturday, but we were busy. This from a boy who has all but given up naps.

But as I said, it has been a mixed bag. I brought a deck of question cards which we used at meals and bedtime. It was hilarious and so much fun. BUT Sunday night, we had a zinger of a question – Tell me about an experience that helped you feel my love for you? Gus just laughed. Tessa said, “Well, you have let me snuggle with you.” She has slept with me every night. She wakes up in the wee hours and crawls in. You all know how kids spread out!

That has been part of the reason for Elliot’s answer –“Well, I haven’t gotten yelled at too much.” What? I don’t yell, but I have a stern voice that comes out when I am tired, frustrated, or at a loss about what else to do. My hormone replacement pills went missing for three days, which didn’t help, but he was right; I had some grouchy moments with everyone.

I went to bed that last night a little teary-eyed and thought about it. I mean, grandma’s want to be perfect, and frankly, I am not. There are moms who trust me and what I share here. I couldn’t let them think that I am super happy all the time, not ridged occasionally, always patient and upbeat, or that I don’t ‘yell.’ It wouldn’t be fair.

In fact, just yesterday, one of my clients said, “I saw some of your posts from Seattle. It looks like you had a wonderful time, and so did the kids. You are amazing.” And many Facebook comments were saying the same as if we had a perfect time and I was always smiling and fun and, well, perfect.

Those comments and what my client said stung a bit. Here is the truth – I am amazing, BUT I am also ordinary. I am just an everyday woman doing her best, and my best isn’t always enough. My best fluctuates.

Wouldn’t it be great to be perfect, to play all the time and like it, never to get tired and crabby, always to be cheerful and fun, never to use your ‘stern/yell’ voice. It would eliminate the worried nights when you know you haven’t been the way you want to be. But here we are, just ordinary people working to do the ‘extraordinary’ thing, caring well for others.

This doesn’t just happen to me when I wrangle three little kids at seventy-two years old. It happens at home, wrangling my mom and my husband and all the rest that goes with living in a four-generation household. I have been working on changing my way of being to be more charitable. That last night in Seattle, I felt as if I had made NO progress at all in decades. I mean, I still get grumpy, am impatient, and am not always long-suffering, kind, humble, well behaved, concerned with others rather than myself, grateful, not provoked, etc. I can list them off because I have them written on the first page of my scriptures. I look at the list regularly because, after all, it is my goal.

There is a space between stimulus and response. The thing that has changed for me over the years is that that space has gotten wider. I rarely go off now and wonder what happened. I know I am choosing. I see that space, and I feel myself making a choice. Sometimes that is harder and is a mixed blessing for sure, to know you chose to be uncharitable with those you love. Thank goodness God, and Christ love me despite my weakness.

Monday, my last day as caretaker for the kids, was good. I got them off to school with minimal chaos and lots of smiles and hugs. I managed Gus well, who was tired and a little grumpy. After school, we used our question cards, our goal was to ask them all, and we made it. : ) We had a great supper and laughed and talked. Then mom and dad came home, and happiness exploded all over everyone.

That last night in Seattle, as I lay in bed pondering the good and not so good times we had, I wondered how the grands would feel the next time I came to visit? It was a question mark in my mind. However, little kids are forgiving. They love unconditionally. A couple of weeks ago, I posted on Facebook about my grandma and the tough times we had because I was a bed-wetter. But I still loved her. I always wanted to go to her house.

I feel that is the case here because of what Tessa did on Sunday. We were in the kitchen, and I was fixing some food. She said, “Grandma, let me see how tall I am to you.” So we stood chest to chest, and she measured from her head to my body. It was right at my neck. Tessa laughed and said, “I am as high as your neck, grandma. You are up to your neck in love!”

I would rather not have written this article, but I cannot let my friends and fellow parents think I am perfect because I’m not. And neither are they. It isn’t fair to simply post pictures of smiling kids doing crafts, rollerblading, and all the rest. We have to support each other in our weaknesses and our strengths. So thanks for being here, reading what I write, believing my words, and allowing me to be honest. : ) I still work on my goal of a tender and softened heart, to feel charity every day. I suspect that I will get better and better. In fact, when I shared this experience with my daughter Jodie, she assured me that I was SO much different than when I was a young mom. Glad to know I am making progress even when it feels like I’m not.

So hang in there, keep working on yourself. Be consistent. It is a lifetime job. Don’t let discouragement get in your way.

Getting up when you fall, being consistent in your efforts pays off. Really!!

I Am a Pathmaker and So are You!

I was afraid of everything!

I had few boundaries! There were good reasons that I found myself in this place as a mother; sexual abuse, controlling adults, fear brought on by the cold war, and the upheaval of civil unrest, a belief that I shouldn’t have been born. Life and the future felt uncertain. I had no way to make sense of what was happening in my world and the larger world, no one to talk to about it, and it added to the fear I had held inside since I was a toddler.

Although I was a good driver, I was too afraid to drive myself to college in Utah and home again to Colorado. I hired friends to drive. I worried about getting a ticket because I was afraid of getting in trouble. My experience had taught me that getting in trouble on any scale brought painful consequences.

Because of fear and boundary issues, it was challenging to advocate for my children in school and elsewhere. In addition, it was hard to discipline correctly. I believe this was one reason I raged. Anger helped mask the fear so that I could stand up for myself and my rules.

I had never felt like an adult. I couldn’t call any adult by their first name, even if I was older than they were. I had no confidence in myself, which was a tragedy of sorts because I was quite an extraordinary person.

That was a boatload of stuff to carry

into parenting.

How does a person parent when they are carrying so much baggage? Well, you do your best, and you run away a lot. I did that by becoming an excellent cake decorator, I taught community classes, I was president of the Band Parents and other groups, I served on boards, and I traveled the state teaching for the Girl Scouts. These activities masked my sense of worthlessness, but my emotionally running away wasn’t healthy for my family. As my children entered their teens, they were also wounded. We all suffered.

Recently, Don and I were having a conversation about my college years and the challenges of being so afraid and lacking any belief in my ability to make good choices. He said, “Well, you are more than over that now.” Truer words were never spoken.

How did I heal? How did I begin to understand boundaries and put them into my life? How did I stop raging? How did I cast off victimhood and begin to believe in myself?

I prayed a lot! I sought resources, and help came. I read books, lots of them, and attended classes. I looked for friends who were healthier than I, who had healed. I practiced what I learned. I was consistent in my efforts. I began speaking to and about myself with charity. I made a list of all those who had ever hurt me, and I forgave them, even my abuser. I asked them to forgive me for holding on to the pain for so long. I stopped being a victim in my mind. I began to believe that I was 100% in control of my responses. I’ll never forget the day that this truth finally sank into my heart. It made ALL the difference. The day I knew this was true, I had my power back.

While Reading Isaiah, the Light Came On

One day, early in my healing, I was studying Isaiah in the Christian Holy Bible. At the time, I was very new to the idea that I could heal, that I wasn’t a victim, that I had worth, that I was the mother of my children by design and not by accident, and as imperfect as I was, it would be enough. I read these verses – “And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not. And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in. Isaiah 58: 11-12

These words burned into my heart and soul – this was my mission in life – to heal myself and help others heal. I was a pathmaker. This knowledge was life-changing for me, and I stopped feeling bitter; I stopped feeling angry. I stopped being a victim, and I began my search for healing in earnest.

Some years later, when things got tough in our family, and I felt as if we would fly apart at the seams, I had a dream. I was flying over a beautiful valley. I was dressed in white, and my skirt was flowing in the breeze. My hair was blowing back, and I felt free and happy. Eventually, I noticed that boxes, bags, satchels, and trunks were falling to the earth from my body. Then I awoke.

I immediately knew the interpretation of this dream. I was being reminded that I was a pathmaker. I was healing myself with the help of Christ, and it would heal my family going forward and backward. I knew this with every fiber of my soul. It didn’t make the journey easier, but it kept me on the journey. I had my license plates changed to say Pathmaker.

Each day I recite these words – The Savior is healing me as I release old wounds and baggage. He softens my heart. As I heal, I am healing generations. I feel blessed to be helping free my family, myself, and others.

A year ago, I met a relative I didn’t know existed. She is a painter, and I told her about my dream. She painted it for me, and it hangs on my office wall. Every day I repeat the above words out loud, and I look at my painting.

I have made enormous progress. I am no longer afraid; I am brave; I can stand up for myself and others. I have boundaries, and I keep them. I know when to sacrifice and when to walk away. I know who I am and my value in the world. I trust myself to make good choices and to help others do the same.

We can change anything!

I am living proof of this.

Pray for guidance to healing. Let go of victimhood. Seek good resources, and they will come. Practice what you learn. Speak kindly to yourself, and about yourself. Forgive others. Believe that you are 100% in control of how you respond. There is no timeline for healing. It will take what it takes. For me, this healing and change took decades. Change didn’t come easily or quickly, but it came just the same.

I am now 71. Am I done? No. Healing and helping others is like an onion. There is always a new layer. Find joy in this journey. You can do it. You can be whole!

What about your family, those who suffer because you have baggage

Well, as I see in real-time, they will do the same. Your children will follow your example, and they will heal faster than you.

One day, one of my sweet daughters, who was also sexually abused, talked about the healing process she was going through. She was barely in her 30’s. I was in my 50’s and all my children were gone from home. I wailed, “How did you do it. Why did it take me so long? Why couldn’t I get better faster, so you were safer?” I felt such grief. Then she said, “Mom, I am healing faster because you were healing first. It has made my way easier.”

So let go of your worry. Do the best you can. Trust yourself and God that you can be whole. Trust your children that they will also do the work we all have to do. Then keep changing and growing. Healing and growing are each of our ultimate missions.

Choose one thing to start with, just one.
•Pray for direction
•Seek useful resources, whether a person, a book, a class, etc. Then practice what you learn. Be consistent in your efforts.
•Practice speaking to and about yourself with charity.
•Forgive one person who has harmed you, and then ask them to forgive you for holding on to the hurt. (This process is not done in person with others. If this is the step you choose, reach out to me, and I will send you a free PDF giving you directions.)
•Accept 100% responsibility for your responses to whatever is happening. When you feel like a victim or lose control, and you will, forgive yourself and begin again.

It doesn’t matter which thing you begin with. Just choose one and begin. Then stay the course no matter how long it takes. When you feel more confident, not perfect but more confident, in that one thing, choose another. If I can heal, you can heal. If you can heal, your children and family can heal. Healing and growth are lifelong processes that we all have, no matter the extent of our wounds.

So, begin!

Do You Undermine Your Growth and Success

Recently, I taught a class on consistency. I have taught this topic many times and have written about it often. I gave the class some tips on how to work toward being more consistent. However, this year I added a new tip that I have learned the hard way over the last couple of years. It applies to more than just remaining consistent. It applies to every change we want to make or promise we want to keep.

It’s a challenge to commit to something new or to make a change. But when we resent and blame others it saps the energy needed for follow-through. When we’re mired in resentment and blame it undermines our personal growth and success.

A Real-Life Example

I get up early and my husband sleeps in. He’s retired and doesn’t need to get up early, so he doesn’t.

I, on the other hand, have decided through experimentation that when I get up earlier my life feels better. I accomplish more, which matters to me. So, I made a commitment to get up at 5am. I sometimes felt resentful that Don slept in. I felt resentful that he could stay up later.

Often when I woke up, I wanted to sleep longer, and I had to force myself out of bed. I would look at my husband and feel resentment that I had to toe the line, do this hard thing and he didn’t. How unfair. When I let myself tell that story it became very hard to get out of bed and stay out.

If I did go back to bed, when I got up, I would feel terrible because I hadn’t kept my promise to myself. So, I would blame Don. After all, if he wasn’t in bed I would have gotten up. It was his fault. “Why can’t he get up early too and then it would be easier for me.”

This type of thing happens at work, with our kids, in relationships, all the time. It can derail our desire to eat well, keep up with our home management chores, connect with our children, lose weight, exercise, and the list goes on. When we let blame and resentment color our personal commitments, whatever they are, we will have a harder time keeping them.

Here’s the deal. It’s my commitment to get up early because of the things I want in my life. Don never made this commitment. No one makes me go to bed early. No one makes me get up. I can change my promise to myself at any time. It’s all up to me. That’s the true story!

There are many ways to maintain control over resentment and blame. Here are three.

Three Tips To Manage Blame and Resentment

• Stop and examine your story. What are you telling yourself? Is it true? If not, what is true. In this case, Don hasn’t made the commitment, I have. Whether I do it or not isn’t about Don, it’s about me.
• Release blame and resentment. These two emotions sap the energy required to stay the course. If you feel them know that there is something in your story that needs to be examined. Do an honest evaluation. Then let them go.
• Revaluate your commitment. Does it need to be adjusted so it feels manageable? In this case, mine did need an adjustment. I opened my window of ‘get up time’ from 5 am to between 5 am and 6 am. It felt less restrictive. I also gave myself a day off. On Sunday I let myself sleep in until 8 if I want to. I often don’t but I know that I can.
• Don’t quit. Whether you keep your promise to yourself, your personal commitment is all about you. So, when you feel like quitting, don’t. Keep going. If you fall off the wagon get back on as soon as you can. Manage your story. This is about you and what you want in your life.

Your shares are appreciated. Thank you!

What does an algae-filled pool have to do with successful parenting?

This summer my grandchildren spent hours with their friends in the pool in our back yard. Sadly, the weather cooled and so the pool was drained for the winter. Due to the placement of the drains three inches of water remained in the pool. Time passed.

One morning as I went into my office, I investigated the pool. There were three inches of green, algae-filled water. I thought, “Man, this is going to be a project to clean.”

I returned to the office and completed my morning routine. Then I sat down at my computer to begin writing. Into my mind came a clear thought – “You need to clean the pool.” WHAT! I had a full day of writing. But it was a clear, good thought so I got up and left the office. As I stood on the patio, I wondered how I was going to remove gallons of water from the pool bottom.

I decided to sweep a 5-gallon bucket through the water, lift it and pour it over the side. This worked. However, that was a lot of stooping, sweeping, rising and tossing. I persevered. After an hour and a half, I had to stop for an appointment. I thought, “I’m done for the day.”

When I finished my appointment, I headed for the office but again had the thought that I needed to clean the pool. I rolled up my pants, got my crocks and resumed the work. Eventually, my daughter who was on a break came out and said, “Mom, you don’t have to do this. It’s not your job.” I assured her that I knew I was supposed to clean the pool. She suggested that I use the shop vac. What a great idea!

The shop vac sucked up the water well, but it was far too heavy for me to hoist and dump over the side. Even only a quarter full it was too heavy. I returned to bailing with the 5-gallon bucket.

I could see that I was making progress, but it was labor-intensive and taking a long time. If any fathers are reading, please don’t stop because this scenario is so stupid. I know it! : )

Eventually, I decided that I could use the shop vac, suck up the water, and then bail water from the vac and throw it over the side. Each load of water in the shop vac was three buckets to dump. I know it doesn’t seem like much of an improvement, but it was. It felt easier even if it wasn’t faster.

When my daughter had another break, she came out to help. By then I was almost done. Jodie sucked up water while I swept the algae and sand to the center of the pool. Then she and I together would hoist the vac and dump it. We did about 5 dumps. She returned to her work and I did the final sweep and vacuumed up the residue that was left.

It was done and it looked fabulous. When I began the job, it was intimidating. After all, I’m 69, it was a lot of work and took a lot of time. I didn’t know if I could do it. But I was determined. I did what I could with what I had and as I went along my resources and support improved and I was able to finish the job.

I know that a couple of men could have done it in half the time. If I had had better tools the whole job would have been faster and easier. But I only had what I had. I could do it or not.

The Point of the Story

It’s a perfect example of parenting, my parenting. When I began, I had a pool of green scummy water to deal with that came from my growing up. I had a wonderful family, but like all families there was stuff. And my stuff had lain dormant for a long time. It was as nasty as that pool water.

Parenting for me was laborious because I lacked skills, had few resources and very little support. Don and I married and moved far away from family and friends. As the years passed, I tried different things. I learned new skills, found resources. Things got better.

Sometimes, I would look at how we were coming along, and it felt like looking at that pool job. It was hard. It was long. Frankly, I didn’t know if I could hold out to the end. But Don and I did. We actively parented for 39 years.

How Did It Turn Out?

As some of you know we had kids struggle with drugs, alcohol, dropping out of school and identity issues. It was tough. Our kids are all over thirty now and many are in their late forties. They’re smart, loyal, loving, kind, generous people. They can be trusted to do what is right.

I read a wonderful book, That We May Be One, by Tom Christopherson. His family had their share of trials, but his parents determined their success by how connected and bonded the family was. I have chosen to do the same.

My children talk to each other often. They gather at our family reunion regularly. This week one of my children found themselves in an unexpected financial bind. The word went out to the family and in less than 24 hours it was resolved with all of us pulling together.

It doesn’t matter what the water in the bottom of your pool looks like. It doesn’t matter how inefficient your tools and resources. If you will do what you know is right consistently, better tools and resources will come. You’ll get better. If you’re determined to parent as well as you can, to connect your family, to increase your skills and access the resources you need, then you’ll be successful. When you stay the course, no matter what you lack, what you need will show up. Simple things, done consistently over time, make all the difference.

If you relate to this article please share it with others. They will thank you for it. 🙂

It’s Not Education or a Degree That Thrills Me

Sometimes Bad Things Happen to Good People

Recently, my 45-year-old son graduated from college with a bachelor’s in philosophy. It wasn’t easy because he has a past that could have made it impossible.

When Seth was a small boy, he had some experiences which hurt his heart and soul. Sometimes, no matter how carefully we try to guard our children bad things can happen. This set him on a troubled road. He used drugs, dropped out of high school, went to jail, and was sentenced to the D.O.C. (Department of Corrections) and a work-release program. He stole some cigarettes from a closed gas station and received a felony that would make life hard.

The future looked poor. However, he was a good person, as most of us are. When his son was born, he decided to make a change. It wasn’t easy because of the past. People weren’t sure they could trust him and so they didn’t want to risk giving him a chance. He just kept looking and eventually, he found a man and a company that employed him. He worked in an underground mine running a huge haul truck and eventually became an underground miner.

However, after just a couple of years, his body wouldn’t take the shaking and jolting of the machine any longer and he was back on the hunt. He was hired at a scrap mental company sorting metal.

Setting the Goal and Sticking With It

Seth had a goal to make something of his life so he could be an example for his son and he became one of the BEST scrap mental sorters they had. Eventually, he was promoted and found himself running the front office involving the 20-ton scale and the selling and buying of scrap metals. Then during the market collapse of 2007, Seth was laid off.

He eventually found a job as a machinist and was promoted after a couple of years to the position of Quality Management Systems Specialist creating a Quality Management System training program and taught it to the employees at his plant and others in the state. This was the job that changed the direction of his life. He began to believe that he was smart enough and capable of returning to school.

While Seth was working at the mine, he developed a love for rocks and minerals. He studied them and began collecting them. He also learned to pan gold and joined an online club of like-minded people. Eventually, this love of rocks and minerals got him thinking about college. He determined to become a geologist. But he was pushing 40 and he had a felony on his record. He bravely decided to go for it.

At the University of MT, Seth did what he had done at the scrap metal job and as a machinist. He moved up. He impressed his professors and counselors and they asked him to mentor ‘at risk’ college students. His efforts were so effective that he was often able to keep all his mentees in college. He taught some classes. He was making a difference as he pursued his own goals.

All these opportunities moved him from seeking a degree as a geologist to getting a degree in philosophy. What a major jump!

We didn’t put Seth through school. He worked his way through! It wasn’t easy. I can remember times when he called me in tears seeking encouragement. He thought about quitting. After all, he was going to be 45 by the time he was done. It seemed indomitable at times!

This spring Seth accomplished his goal and graduated with a degree in Philosophy.

Anyone Can Build a Meaningful Life!

There is a purpose in my sharing Seth’s journey with you other than a mother’s bragging rights. It’s not the education or the degree that thrills me. It’s that he was kind to himself, trusted himself, set a goal and then accomplished it.

The reason that I find that so magnificently thrilling is that when we can set a goal and stick with it, no matter how hard, then we can always take care of ourselves and others. We can always make, not just a living, but a life. Way to go Seth!!

P.S. Currently Seth is pursuing setting up a program to coach troubled youth. He understands that you can’t just take kids out of bad situations. You must help them be kind to themselves, trust themselves, set a goal and then accomplish it. You must change how they think.