Category: Present Parenting

Let Children Make Mistakes and Grow Up

When my grandchildren, Jack and Maggie, were small, I helped them make a chicken basket for Easter. It was made of two paper plate halves glued together. The pattern had the chicken facing sideways, with one eye glued on and a wing drawn on one side.

When it came to gluing on the eyes, Jack had a fit because in his mind it needed two eyes. I explained that the chicken was standing sideways (I demonstrated “sideways”) so you only saw one side. He kept saying it needed two eyes. “See, it has a mouth.” He pointed to the wing, which he was sure was the mouth. No amount of explaining could change his mind. A chicken with a mouth needs two eyes!! I let him have two eyes.

When my oldest daughter, Jodie, was four, her dad was fired from his job. Don and I talked a lot over the next few days as we contemplated what to do. After a few days I noticed Jodie drawing a picture. She had drawn a stick man with scribbles in red all over him. I asked her to tell me about the picture. She said, “It’s daddy. He is fired.” As we talked, I realized she was worried that he was going to burst into flame any minute. I mean, he was on fire, right?

One day while visiting Jodie’s home, before we consolidated our households, I was teaching the kids how to churn butter. I had an old butter churn with wooden paddles that I had inherited from my grandma. Because churning butter takes so long, I made the statement that before we got it done, we would all go grey. When the butter was finally finished, Jack seemed disappointed. He said to his mom, “I thought we were going to turn grey.” He was talking about our bodies, not our hair. : )

When Jodie was five years old, she took a potato peeler and peeled the slats on the baby crib until they were about half an inch thick. She did this on four or five slats. When I asked her why she did it, she said she wanted to see how the peeler worked. I assume it was so fun to watch the wood peel off that she just couldn’t stop. : ) It wasn’t funny at the time.

Another day I took some long bubble wands to my grands so we could blow ginormous bubbles. Jack was standing by the front door, holding his bubble wand and anxious to go outside. When I looked at him, he was staring at me and holding the bubble wand sideways as all the soap spilled out. I thought he had done it on purpose because he wanted to see it spill.

I said, “Jack, what are you doing?” My voice wasn’t mad or loud, but it was startled. Jodie looked over and said, “I’ll get a cloth.” She is a calm woman by practice and decision. I stepped on the cloth, sopped up as much soap as I could, and then we left the mess until later and went out to blow bubbles.

Outside I watched Jack tip his wand sideways and begin to unscrew the lid. Then I realized what had happened in the living room. Jack was unscrewing the lid in what felt to him like the most natural way. I said, “Ah, Jack, I see what happened in the living room. You weren’t spilling the soap on purpose. Let me show you how to keep it from spilling.” Then I showed him how to hold the wand upright and take off the lid. He never spilled any more soap.

All these examples are funny now. Kids do say and do the darndest things. That’s because they think differently than adults. They take things quite literally. They don’t understand the multiple meanings of words. They aren’t familiar with idioms. They need to figure out how to do many things, and they aren’t always aware of the best way to get a thing done. Sometimes our seemingly simple instructions are Greek to them. And like Jack and the bubbles, they don’t always see ahead to what the consequences of a certain action might be.

When a child says or does something that seems naughty, foolish, or silly, it’s valuable to stop and think it through. Often, if we take the time, we will find that their intent was good, just uninformed. Yelling or becoming angry or silent in the face of a child’s mistakes sends messages we don’t really want to send. You’re stupid. You’re naughty. You’re clumsy. You aren’t good enough.

Stand Back and Let Them Figure It Out

Understanding what a child had in mind is the first step. The second is trusting them to figure things out for themselves. One of my favorite examples comes from the children’s book Understood Betsy. Nine-year-old Elizabeth Ann has always been helped over every hard place before she even knew it was there. Then her much feared Great-uncle Henry hands her the reins of the wagon and goes back to his figuring. She mixes up her right and left, pulls the wrong rein, and the horses walk the wagon into a shallow ditch. Uncle Henry doesn’t say a word.

Then something wonderful happens. Elizabeth Ann realizes she doesn’t need to remember which hand is which. If she simply pulls the way she wants the horses to go, they will never know the difference. The author says it may have been her brain waking up, because it was the first whole thought she had ever had of her very own.

A little later the horses stop, and Uncle Henry is still deep in his arithmetic. She remembers how the grocer’s boy at home got his horse started, so she slaps the reins and makes her best imitation of his cluck. The horses lean forward and they’re off! She was as proud as if she had started a big red automobile, because it was “the first thing she had ever done all by herself.” She had thought of it, she had done it, and it worked.

This little story from a wonderful children’s book says it all about the value of standing back and letting children learn on their own. There will be mistakes, ruined projects, imperfect crafts, cookies that crumble; but learning to do things for yourself, figuring it out, builds confidence and trust in oneself. Don’t help too much or too soon. Just be present and watch!

So, whether it’s a chicken with two eyes or a wagon in a ditch, remember that if we see children as learning beings and not as naughty people, we’ll be better able to figure out what they had in mind, and we’ll be more patient as they learn for themselves. As we do this, we give children the freedom to make mistakes and learn, which is what it takes to become well-adjusted adults.

Mistakes are a part of life. Let children make mistakes while they learn.

Your Spark Station Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect, It Just Has to Work for Your Family

One of my favorite books is Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I’ve read it a number of times and seen several movie versions. I first read it in high school, and while most of my peers were bored stiff, I was mesmerized by the writing, the language, and the humanness and tragedy of the characters. There are many themes in the book, but today I’m picking a plain, surface one: expectations can halt our progress.

When we have an idea of how something ought to look, feel, or work out, and it isn’t exactly that, we often stop. We can’t see how to move forward, or how to have success because of the perceived roadblocks in our way.

That’s true when it comes to setting up a Spark Station to enhance your family’s activities and learning. Many of us picture a special closet, set of shelves, or deep drawers close to where we spend much of our family time, with fun materials tucked away so anticipation stays high. It would be wonderful if we all had that. The reality is that for most families it won’t look like that. Even so, people go to great, and sometimes silly, lengths to play out the picture.

Some Examples to Smile At

A mom I was coaching wrote to me and said she was stuck. She had picked a spacious closet at the back of a dark storage room, but the kids were afraid of the room. She was considering a dresser and shelves in the family room instead, but then the materials would be available even when the family wasn’t ready to use them together. “I’m frozen by this decision,” she wrote. “Silly, I know, but I can’t get past it.”

I told her dark storage rooms are no laughing matter (my grandmother had one, so I know!). I suggested she use the dresser and shelves in the family room. If you have very small children, a safety lock works, and so does looping a rubber band over the knobs or tying the drawer handles together. Any child over four or five can learn to stay out unless the family is engaging in an activity. Once they feel the excitement of anticipation, they’ll respect the rule and keep it special.

Another mom started her Spark Station in a cold, dark, spider-filled cellar with no lights, and her family slowly stopped using it. No wonder! She had a dresser in her family room that she’d been saving until she could make it “perfect.” After reading the first mom’s note that I shared on the website, she wrote, “Does it really matter what kind of container you keep your materials in?” My answer is a resounding NO! What matters is that you use it as a family and stay present. That night she cleaned out the dresser and moved the fun in. It took about 45 minutes. As a bonus, she said, her kids no longer had to wear gloves when they used their Spark Station. Ya gotta laugh.

I love both stories. Mothers and fathers work hard to connect as a family and learn together. They just don’t always know how, or they strive for perfection. Remember, a workable Spark Station isn’t about where you store your materials; it’s about creating magic. A plastic tote, a dresser, a basket on a shelf, or a closet, they all work if your family engages regularly and parents stay present.

It’s the Wheels and the Gas

Think of a Spark Station as a classy car. The contents are the leather interior, the bucket seats, the fine radio, and the V6 engine. It’s everything that makes you want to get in and drive. But if your wonderful car has no wheels and no gas, you will soon tire of sitting in it waiting for something wonderful to happen.

The wheels for any Spark Station are four of the Five Principles of Power: structure time and be consistent, be present, make it special, and keep it simple. The gas is the fifth principle: plan ahead. Those are the only absolutes. Everything else is based on what you need, what you have available, and what works for your family.

Teach the Way They Learn

You may have heard, “If they don’t learn the way you teach, teach the way they learn.” The same is true for how you use your Spark Station.

My daughter Jodie’s Spark Station was a group of tubs in one corner of the family room. When the kids chose a tub, Jodie tried to help each one engage with the contents. At the time, she had a four-and-a-half-year-old, Maggie, with special needs, a three-year-old, Jack, and a one-year-old, Mary. It was sometimes chaotic.

When I visited again, the tubs were gone. I asked Jodie if she wasn’t using her Spark Station anymore. “We are,” she said. “I now have it in the hall, and I pull things out one at a time, depending on what the activity is.”

I asked why she made the change. “Well, my children are little, and Maggie has special needs. It doesn’t work for each one to play with something different, because they all need my immediate attention. I need to play with them the whole time. We’ve discovered it works best when we all play together, doing the same thing. I suspect we’ll do this for a while.”

How the New Spark Station Worked

It had been a busy morning of dressing, feeding, and getting to a therapy session. At about 10:15, when they returned home, Jodie said, “Let’s learn something new.” “Yeaaaaa!” was the response. Everyone got a hat and sang a welcome song. Then Jodie brought out a large tub of small plastic toys.

I was amazed at how many ways they found to engage with that one tub. They began with I Spy. “Who can spy a cow?” “Who can spy the pink dinosaur?” “No, that dinosaur is blue. Can you find the pink one?” That went on for about ten minutes. Then the three-year-old began choosing random things, so the game changed. “Look, Jack found a frog.” “Maggie found a horse.” Then it changed again. Each child chose an animal to sing with Old MacDonald Had a Farm, and they sang and made the animal sounds together.

All the while, Jodie kept up a running conversation. “Look, Mom, a sharp tooth!” “Yes, Jack, that’s a tyrannosaurus.” “Maggie found the pink dinosaur. It has a long neck; it’s called a brontosaurus.” “You’re right, Jack, frogs lived when there were dinosaurs, but a frog isn’t a dinosaur.” The talk went on and on, and Jodie stayed present.

Jodie did the wise thing. She taught the way her children learned best back then, and she held on to the Five Principles of Power while she thought carefully about what her family needed. Her family has wonderful connection moments, and the kids loved using what they found in their Spark Station. It created a magical learning and connection environment in their home.

So don’t get stuck on the details. Choose a space and a container, any container: a basket, plastic tubs, a closet, a dresser, a couple of shelves. Then begin to create magic. Look carefully at your family and see what they need. Remember the Five Principles of Power and stay present.

You can do this, and your family

will LOVE it!

You Don’t Have to Know Everything to Help Your Child Learn

Whether your children learn at home, in a public school, or in a private one, you have probably felt this worry: “I don’t know enough to help them.” Some of us did well in art but were slow in math or loved science but hated English. Some parents have a degree in engineering but are clueless about English literature, and others have a degree in sociology, but history eludes them. We worry we can’t help our children enough because we’re not experts in all the topics they need to know about. So, what makes a good teacher? A willingness to learn.

Knowledge Is of Two Kinds

Samuel Johnson said, “Knowledge is of two kinds: We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information about it.” Gaining knowledge is about knowing where to find information, not about having all of it.

When we understand that we can find the answer to almost anything and stay a step or two ahead of our child, we know we can help them learn and love learning. That knowledge increases our confidence, and all we need is the determination to gain our own education. If I don’t know my multiplication tables (and believe me, many adults don’t), then I should learn them. I can do it on my own time or right alongside my child. If I don’t know why clouds are different or how rain forms, I can read and study it out. Then I can share what I learn and help my child feel my enthusiasm, which will increase theirs.

Knowing Everything Isn’t The Goal

Knowing everything isn’t the goal. Being willing to look it up and make the effort to learn it ourselves, that is what makes an excellent teacher. And face it, anyone raising a child is a teacher.

We err when we assume someone else can teach our child better than we can just because they have a degree we don’t have. We also err when we assume teachers know all about the subjects they are called to teach. I have friends who are teachers, and they are always reading, learning, and upgrading their knowledge.

I come from a family of teachers. My father taught when he was young and returned to the profession later in life. Many of my aunts were teachers. I have cousins who are teachers. I have a sister, and both she and her husband are now retired teachers. I have observed that teachers are often called to teach grades and subjects they know no more about than the average parent. I received a letter from one of the teachers in my family, and I had to share it. It’s a clear example of what I am talking about.

“I had my schedule changed in the last day or so; now I’m teaching Biology and Zoology. I haven’t taught Zoology, so that will be a new change and a different one. I hope I can get things put together for that. There is no book right now, so we will see what happens. I might be using the Internet a lot.”

This high school teacher isn’t freaking out about teaching Zoology, a subject he has never taught, and without a book! He is going to find what he needs and take it back to his class. That’s what we can do as parents!

Never Be Ashamed to Ask Questions

“How do you know so much about everything?” was asked of a very wise and intelligent man; and the answer was “By never being afraid or ashamed to ask questions as to anything of which I was ignorant.” John Abbott

We should never be ashamed if we don’t know something. Not knowing doesn’t diminish our ability to teach. Being unwilling to learn ourselves, that is where our power is lost.

One of the greatest gifts we can give a child is to let them observe us learning, searching out the information, and then sharing it. Example matters! It will help them understand that a truly educated person knows they don’t know everything, but also knows they can learn anything by reading, searching for information, and having mentors.

That is a great gift to give a child, and it can lead to a lifelong love of learning.

Everyday Learning Ideas for Every Family

Some time ago, I read an article called “Afterschooling,” written by a mom who was also a teacher. The idea is simple: learning doesn’t stop when the school day ends. Parents can use after-school hours, weekends, and summers to help kids stay sharp, fill in gaps, or stretch further when they’re ready for more. It works whether your child is homeschooled or attends a private or public school, and it’s especially helpful for the child who needs more than the classroom can give.

What interested me was how ordinary the ideas were. Let’s face it, many of us worry whether we’re doing enough and want to feel more confident as we parent. The truth is, just living life as a family every day is a wonderful education, but when you add some cool family activities, learning keeps going and is fun.

Learn in the Car

Listen to audiobooks as you run errands or take trips. I know that seems outdated, but it gets kids off their phones and helps families connect. You’ll be amazed at how many books you can “read” in a year by taking advantage of car time. Don’t worry too much about age-appropriateness if you have kids of different ages. Preschoolers enjoy Ramona the Brave as much as the eight-year-olds, and your twelve-year-old won’t mind The Indian in the Cupboard. Your whole family will listen to classics above grade level, whether they understand every word or not. It becomes normal for your family, and it’s amazing what younger children pick up from the books their older siblings are listening to.

My husband, who is not a reader, began listening to audiobooks at the beginning of the summer because I gave him one. He is hooked and listens while he works on the computer. I know it’s helping his mind, and he seems to really enjoy it. He listened to eight books over the summer. For a non-reader, that is wonderful!

Be brave and introduce more than just fiction. Try some history, music, and science too. Your public library has more options than you might expect, and most libraries now offer audiobooks through free apps.

Read Aloud as a Family

I’ve written many articles on the value of families reading together. I’m sold on it and read with my children, then my grandchildren, and now with Don and my mom. Some families read for thirty minutes after dinner while still sitting at the table, and then everyone helps with the dishes. Other families read first thing in the morning, and others read at bedtime. It doesn’t matter when you read or for how long; pick a time and be consistent. Choose classics, scriptures, or whatever your family loves. Make it a tradition instead of a haphazard occurrence.

Homemade Books

This fun activity can be done weekly or even monthly, just for the joy of it. Little kids love it, but so do older kids. I know from my own experience. My Grandma Gardner, a teacher, had a cupboard stocked with blank books she had put together with paper and staples. When we visited, she would let us pick one or two. I LOVED that part of our visit, and I always wrote in them. It spurred my desire to be a writer.

Go to the store and buy paper and art supplies. Put them in a big box or bag. Staple a stack of blank books together, and let your kids know they can now make their own books! Older kids might experiment with writing a short story like I did, while younger children will do lots of illustrations with fewer words. This activity really sings to kids before or after a holiday, a family birthday, a vacation, etc.

Give your child all the help they need. The child is the author and illustrator, but you are the secretary. Help them construct sentences when they ask, and guide them toward sentences they can read themselves. Keep these books in a special place to read to grandparents, younger siblings, and during quiet times.

Start the Day with a Morning Message

Write a daily message on a little whiteboard while your kids eat breakfast. It’s a great way to sneak in reading, writing, and punctuation, and it gives everyone something to smile about before they head out the door. My daughter did this with her children for many years, and they enjoyed it. It waned a bit as they hit their teens, but they still have one of those messages on the hall wall all these years later.

Take a DEAR Time Break (Drop Everything And Read)

I loved this idea that I found on a mom blog. The more words on a page your child is exposed to and tries to read on their own, the stronger their reading tends to be. So, give your children a chance to look at books and read by themselves. If your home gets out of sorts, someone is bored or can’t figure out what to do, or an argument erupts, send them to DEAR Time.

Set up a cozy reading corner somewhere in your house and stock it with a box or basket of books at an easy reading level for your child/children. You could even let them munch on crackers or other snacks while they read. Set the timer for ten minutes and slowly build up.

This can also substitute for a time out. I know because one of my daughters used it.

Use Screens with Parameters

Some parents root for the computer, and others don’t want their kids anywhere near it. You decide what works for you. Many free programs, apps, and websites make learning fun. Look for quality, where the child does the learning, and the designer isn’t having all the fun. The same goes for TV. When used sparingly and well, it can be a good friend, and there is plenty of educational content out there. Whatever you choose, set parameters you are comfortable with, and then be consistent.

For my granddaughter Maggie, who can’t speak and has limited hand movement, her iPad is her best friend. She has chosen many of her own learning sites. Even though she can’t speak, I know she understands Spanish because so many of the sites she chooses are in Spanish. Her iPad helps her learn.

When my grandson Ben, who is now 14, was between six and eleven, he spent a lot of time on his iPad and the computer. Guess what he was doing. Learning! He loved it and could give you facts on all kinds of subjects because that’s what he spent his time engaging with.

So don’t be afraid of computers, iPads, and TV. Set parameters you are comfortable with, and let kids learn.

A Fun Family Tool For Any Time of Day

A Spark Station is an amazing tool. Imagine doing science, history, art, or family stories together just for fun. It’s a wonderful way to gather as a family at the end of a busy day. It is also perfect for a bored child or when you need to help the chaos settle during a busy day. Check out the directions and learn how to create this magical tool.

There are many ways to help your children use time wisely, learn, and still be kids and teens, without nagging or cajoling.

Be creative, keep it simple, and have fun.

Five Principles of Power Series – The Wizard of Oz Moment

When my youngest daughter was getting married, we went announcement shopping. Shopping is not on my list of enjoyable activities! We stopped at a couple of places, choked on prices, and then found the perfect thing. It was way out of our budget, but being crafty, we can do anything, sort of women, we decided we could recreate it ourselves.

We headed to my sister’s home for a second opinion. She felt we were right on; we could certainly duplicate those invitations ourselves. We then spent a good hour measuring, talking paper, and looking at photos. It was fun, and I enjoyed the time with my youngest daughter.

While we were talking about photos, my sister mentioned she thought people looked better in black and white photos. An animated conversation took place over her comment. Then she said a profound thing. “Maybe black and white makes people look better because we are so used to seeing them in color.” Wow!

That got me thinking about when we were kids. All our photos were black and white. I was well into grade school before any of my photos were in color. I said, “Do you remember the first time we saw ourselves in color? Remember how we thought we looked so much better?” Isn’t it interesting that what is unfamiliar can be more appealing at times than what we see every day? You know where I’m going with this, don’t you?

As we were leaving, my sister said, “Mary, do you remember The Wizard of Oz? Do you remember that the movie was in black and white at the beginning, and then there was the magical moment when color burst onto the screen? Wasn’t that astonishing?” I could clearly recall that experience. I remembered how the breath was knocked out of me from sheer amazement. I was stunned. It was so beautiful. I hadn’t even realized how drab it was before because I was used to seeing movies in black and white. It was unexpected. I just assumed that the whole movie would be black and white.

From Black and White to Color

That’s what happens when you create a family activity, a learning moment, or a special space for your children, and it’s filled with color, new things, and excitement. That’s what happens when parents are present and participate. That’s what it’s like when you set aside family time and honor it with consistency. It literally takes your children’s breath away. It turns family time from black and white to color.

I’ve experienced this with my grands, and I’ve watched it happen in other families too. Creating an environment like this changes a family’s experience together.

This is Principle Three from The Five Principles of Power: Make It Special. Consistency makes family activities and learning special. Being present while you do them makes them magical.

Thoughtfully plan your family activities so they go from black and white to bursting with color, and your family will engage and stay engaged.

Practicing Calm — It’s Better to Laugh Than to Cry – A Series: Part 3

Story 1

This story from my family goes back decades, to when my youngest daughter, Kate, was still a teenager. The two of us were hurrying out to the car for a church event. I felt rushed. We were running late, and I hate being late. With seven children, you’d think I would have become more accepting of the occasional late start, but I hadn’t, and that day it made me feel anxious.

It had been a warm summer day, no rain in sight, the weather perfect. But as I stepped off the curb to get into the car, I found myself ankle-deep in water. I felt my hackles rising. Who filled the gutter with water? Asking who filled a gutter with water is not exactly a reasonable question. That’s how it goes when we let anger run over: irrational.

As we drove down the tree-lined street, I sputtered about how ticked off I felt, how inconsiderate the whole situation was, how being late seemed like a sign of disrespect, and on and on.

About five blocks from home, I pictured myself stepping off the curb into ankle-deep water. I saw my shocked expression, and myself looking down at the foot I was holding up while it dripped. The mental picture was so funny I started laughing, and the longer I laughed, the harder I laughed. I looked at my daughter, who had been very quiet until then (it might have been dangerous to make a sound), and she started laughing too. We laughed for a good two blocks.

Then my daughter turned to me and said, “Mom, it was funny when it happened.” Her comment brought me up short. She was right. It was one of those unexpected, funny situations that happen in life, and she was pointing out, kindly, that I could have saved us both a lot of stress if I’d just laughed in the first place. That’s often the best way to manage trouble and find happiness in the middle of it.

Story 2

In another season, we took a family vacation with our oldest daughter, Jodie, and her family. Kate was still living at home. We’d prepared for over six months. It was a big deal.

However, one by one, everyone got sick. There was crying, vomiting, and exhaustion. We camped one night and then moved on. But it became hard to travel with the children, and so Jodie decided to head home early. She was ill the day they left, with two sick children in the backseat, and a nursing baby to feed. They were pulling a trailer, and on the way home the truck broke down. They were stranded overnight, and some family members had to travel to help them get home.

When I saw the pictures they took on that drive home, it was beautiful. There weren’t any complaining faces, despite the ruined trip, the months of planning, the lost time. Just smiles. They laughed instead of complaining about one of those unexpected situations that happen in life. Their children were small and not feeling well, but if they remember this trip at all, they’ll remember it as a good one, with adults who held it together by finding the humor in a hard situation.

Kate is now in her 30s, living in Washington with three kids of her own, ages 13, 10, and 7. She was here visiting in July. I found myself watching her the same way I once watched Jodie. I shared one of Jodie’s experiences in last week’s article. Kate was handling her three children with that same steady patience I saw in Jodie all those years ago, the kind you can’t fake and can’t rush. This is something I’m still practicing: it’s better to laugh than to cry or yell, almost every time.

It hasn’t gotten easier, but I do it more often.

Practicing Calm — The Time-In – A Series: Part 2

I’ve been thinking about what it means to practice calm, especially in moments when other people are watching and silently judging whether you’re doing it right. Here’s a story that’s stayed with me for years.

The little boy, three years old, was out of control, a temper tantrum of sorts. I didn’t know what he wanted, but I could tell he felt desperate to have whatever it was. His mother was using a calm voice, talking to him, holding him gently while he twisted and screamed, then leading him away. I could tell that many of the onlooking adults felt upset with her. Why wasn’t she doing anything about this terrible tantrum? Why didn’t she make him stop?

That little boy was my grandson, and his mother is my daughter, Jodie. We were at a family reunion, and this wasn’t his first outburst. He was three, that difficult age when a child is learning to control his impulses, to be patient, to wait. It’s tough. I know some adults who haven’t mastered those skills yet either. LOL

Judgment

I would look across the campground, and there he’d be, wailing about something he needed right now, while other adults quietly formed opinions about his parents and what they weren’t doing. I could tell that silent judgment was wearing on my daughter.

Later, she told me it had taken real effort to stay centered and stay true to the parenting vision she had put in place in her home. What looked like doing nothing to the onlookers was actually a clear plan of action for this mom.

Her goal was to help Jack learn to control himself, and she did that by modeling the very behavior she wanted him to learn. She stayed calm. She was gentle but firm. If he couldn’t get control, she moved him to a quiet place and held him while he settled. It wasn’t easy. It would have been so much easier to handle him roughly, lay down the law, or yell.

What’s a Time-In?

I love the term she used for what happened when he was having a hard moment. She called it a “time-in.” She pulled him into her lap for a cuddle and a quiet chat instead of sending him away. It helped him settle, or at least redirected him toward something calmer.

Parenting can be daunting, especially when we choose to go against the grain. It takes courage to follow what we’ve decided is right, whether it’s how we discipline, educate, or talk to our children in hard moments. Having a clear picture of the outcome we want goes a long way toward helping us stay true to our choices, even when others are watching and wondering why we aren’t doing “more.”

If you’re struggling because you haven’t quite settled on what kind of parent you want to be in these moments, it can help to sit down, even briefly, and put it into words. What do you want your children to feel when they’re overwhelmed? What do you want them to learn about handling big emotions? You don’t need a formal document.

Just enough clarity to hold on to in the moments when everyone else’s opinions are loudest.

Practicing Calm — The Honey Bucket – A Series: Part 1

I used to think staying calm with my children was a skill I’d eventually master and move past, something I’d graduate from once they were grown. I know better now. Right now, I’m caring for my 96-year-old mother, who has dementia, and I’m finding myself back in the same classroom I thought I’d left decades ago.

That’s really what this series of five articles is about. Not a formula, not a finished skill, but a practice, one that shows up again and again across a lifetime, in different seasons, with different people, in ways we don’t always see coming.

The stories in this series are from long ago, mostly from the years when my children were small, or my grandchildren were underfoot. But I keep coming back to them, because the lessons in them are just as true today as they were then. I hope these stories feel less like advice from someone who’s arrived, and more like company from someone still on the road with you.

I’m in a new season of practicing calm. My mom is 96 and living with dementia, and some days caring for her tests every ounce of patience I thought I’d built up over the years. I lose it occasionally. I hear my voice get sharp, or I feel that same old flash of frustration rise, and I have to stop and remind myself of something I learned a long time ago, back when my own children were small.

Staying calm isn’t a skill you master once and keep forever. It’s a practice. And you never know when life will hand you a new season that puts you right back in the classroom. I was reminded of that recently when I came across an old story from years ago, back when my grandchildren were small, and I was watching them for the day. It’s a good reminder that the practice never really ends, and that’s okay. Enjoy. : )

I was sitting at the table watching Mary today. She had a small bowl of popcorn and was happily eating. Every bite or so, she would look up and give me a coy little smile. I would smile back and eat a piece of my popcorn. After several bites and coy smiles, Mary got up, toddled over to me, and lifted her face for a kiss. I gave her one, and she went back to the popcorn, took another bite, gave me that same shy smile, and I returned it. Then she got up again, came over to me, and lifted her face for another kiss. We repeated this a few times.

20 Minutes Earlier

What made this peaceful, joyous moment so remarkable was what had happened just 20 minutes earlier.

In the kitchen was a large bucket of thick honey, straight from my own bees, with no water in it, so it was very sticky. I noticed that bucket the day before and thought, “Hmm, that lid isn’t on very tight.” Then, as busy people do, I went on my way and didn’t do anything about it.

Today my grandchildren came to spend the whole day. I was prepared with crafts and fun, and all was going to be great. But I was running behind, which meant we were late eating breakfast and getting dressed. It was after 11:00 when I was tying the last shoelace. Just then, Mary came into the living room dripping honey from head to foot.

I let out a shriek, grabbed her, and ran for the tub, clothes and all. I fussed the whole way. “Mary, what did you do? Why were you in the kitchen? Look at this mess!” All the things you’d expect me to say.

As I stripped her clothes off and washed away the very thick honey, I made myself think about what was happening. I had a real mess in the kitchen, I was sure. This was my last set of clothes for Mary, and she hadn’t even been dressed for ten minutes. I was angry, and honestly, it was my own fault for not securing that lid.

I forced myself to calm down and really look at her. She was perfectly happy being doused in warm water, and any sense of trouble had already evaporated into the joy of the bath. She’s just a baby, really, only 16 months old. She’s interested in everything, and I mean everything. I hadn’t secured the perimeter, so to speak, and now I had a mess to clean up.

More than that, I realized that damaging this precious relationship over her childish need to explore, and my own oversight, would be a terrible trade. So, I stopped fussing. I washed her off, kissed her as I dried her, and steeled myself to go face the kitchen. It really was a mess.

A couple of days ago, I was talking with a mom about staying calm. She told me she’d decided to practice it, and that it was making a real difference. She said the more she practiced, the better she got at it. Amen to that.

Staying calm, not losing your temper, being present, seeing a child as a person with needs instead of a problem to solve – these are all practiced skills. The more we practice, the better we get. That’s what I had to do that day: practice some more.

What I’ve Learned

I’m imperfect at this, just like most of you. I felt angry first. I fussed. But then I made myself stop and choose better. A few things I’ve learned along the way:

The sweetness of family life comes through when we stay as calm and kind with our children as we can manage.
Children aren’t small adults. They don’t think like we do or behave as we do, and that means they’ll end up in trouble often as they grow and learn.
Living with children means living with the possibility of mess, frustration, and moments that test our patience. But damaging a relationship over a mess is never worth it.
Staying calm takes practice, practice, and more practice, and we won’t be perfect at it. The better we get at it, though, the better we feel about ourselves, and it tends to spill over into the rest of our lives too.

And here I am, all these years later, practicing all over again. : )

Learning in Disguise

A friend of mine, a mom with several young children, told me recently that her kids’ favorite thing to do is play dress-up. They want to do it all day long, even the boys. Of course, it makes a glorious mess. As we visited, she asked me about the value of this interest she was seeing in her kids, and it opened up a wonderful conversation.

The ideas we talked about are primarily for children under eleven, but don’t close the door on your teens just yet. I have found that when families incorporate a younger child’s interests into a shared activity, older kids will often join in too. Secretly, many of them miss being kids. So read on and think about how this might bring your family together, whatever ages you’re working with.

Play Is the Gateway

Children between the ages of one and twelve are in what is called the Age of Exploration. They want to experiment with everything physically and mentally, and dress-up play is one of the most natural expressions of that impulse. What looks like simple make-believe is actually children trying on the world — testing out who they might be, what history might have felt like, what it means to be someone else entirely.

And here is the beautiful opportunity for families: if you are present, even a little, while the costumes are coming out, you can weave in stories and information that children will carry with them for years. Not as a lesson. Not as school. Just as a story told by someone they love, while everyone is playing together. That combination — your presence, their imagination, a great story is a powerful thing.

Ideas to Try

You can share stories of past kings and queens as your children dress up as royalty. You can talk about a historical era and let them act out the characters. Some periods of history are especially rich for this kind of story-play: explorers like Lewis and Clark, scientists like Marie Curie and Albert Einstein, or even a beloved ancestor whose story deserves to be remembered. Tell a short story, then let them become the character. The learning that happens this way tends to stick because it was fun, it was shared, and you were there.

You don’t need an elaborate costume collection for any of this. Some families have a box of dress-up clothes, and that’s wonderful. But what I used with my grandchildren was a large box of fabric squares and scarves. Fabric and scarves leave everything to the imagination, and children are endlessly creative when given the freedom to invent. I have seen teens come up with remarkable ideas and then turn around and help their younger siblings bring those ideas to life. You would be amazed at what can happen when you simply provide the materials and step back.

Weaving It Into Family Life

If your family has a reading time together, that is a natural place to bring in a little dress-up magic. When you are reading a fiction book, stop at an exciting moment in the chapter and act it out. Use your box of fabric squares. You don’t need to do this every time you read together, but every now and again it adds a spark of fun that everyone remembers. This is another place where teens, given the chance, will often surprise you by jumping in to help the younger ones.

If a dedicated dress-up activity doesn’t feel right for your family, there are smaller ways to bring the same spirit in. Tell an interesting story about a historical figure or an ancestor at dinner, and let your littles act it out when the meal is done. Read together as a family, and then when finished, let the younger kids play out what they heard. The idea is simply this: mix their natural love of play with a story worth telling, and learning happens almost without anyone noticing.

From One Family Who Tried It

My friend decided to experiment with some of these ideas, and here is what she shared with me afterward:

“Thank you, Mary Ann! I tried this today. We are reading The Wizard of Oz. Of course, they all wanted to be Dorothy, but eventually they settled on at least one scarecrow. One of the Dorothys wanted to have a Greek-style costume, so she made up a side story to go with that. Thanks for a great idea — it will be fun to use for future reading too!” Sarah

Play and learn. That’s how children do it best. Don’t be afraid to mix their natural love of make-believe with your inspiration and your stories.

The results, as Sarah discovered, can be truly magical.

Finding Your Two Mites

My sister Cindy has a job caring for a man with dementia. As I know well, this can be an overwhelming and consuming responsibility. Here was her text to me:

“Mary, I need advice. Taking care of D. is draining me. I didn’t go to the temple all week. I’d leave his house, and I had nothing left. He wants to be with me constantly. When I’m cooking his food, he stands right next to me, and I have to move away. He asks me what he should do about everything. It’s exhausting.”

After some pondering, because I do know firsthand what this is like, here was my response: “No matter what our current mission, we can survive and even thrive, but we must revive.”

Watching over others truly is a mission, whether it’s caring for an elderly person with dementia, several toddlers, a house full of teens, or navigating a work environment. When we take on the task of teaching, guiding, nurturing, loving, and serving others, it’s a mission, and an important one that impacts the world beyond the walls of our home. But caring for and interacting with others can be challenging.

Most of the time, I take Mom on errands with me when I would rather be alone. She loves riding in the car, even though she can’t recall going five minutes after we return home. But in the moment, she’s satisfied and happy. The challenge is that every few minutes she asks the same question: “What town is this?” or makes the same observations: “Isn’t it interesting what people do to their yards?” or “Aren’t the mountains beautiful?”

Those of you raising children know exactly what I’m talking about: Mom, I can’t find my shoes. Where are my Legos? Can I have a snack? Why can’t Jimmy come over? And so it goes. Or the opposite, wondering if your teens will ever talk to you and let you know how they’re doing and what they’re doing. It can be exhausting. And what about maintaining peace at work when someone is having a hard day?

My mother sits quietly in her room much of the time, often sitting with her eyes closed or her head in her hands. This requires that I help her engage in some way. It can take as little as saying, “Mom, crochet,” or as much as walking her outside for a while. My husband Don requires frequent care as well. But if I look, I can find time to rest. But do I?

You, as mothers, know what this is like too. Your littles are busy playing for 30 minutes without fighting, or running around the backyard having fun. Your teens might be napping or off with friends. There is a lull at work. Often in these less hectic moments, instead of resting and being still, we do what needs to be done: dinner prep, laundry, finally getting to the disgusting bathroom, and so forth. Even though we aren’t wrangling kids or others, we are still busy working and keeping an ear out.

Thursday at 8 am, after being on the go since 6:15, I finally knelt to pray. Just as I was finishing, I heard Don calling from the living room. His feet, which were soaking in a special water bath, were done, and he needed help — no time to continue kneeling quietly and listening. No woman I know is immune from these types of interruptions.

So how do we manage? How do we stay calm, feel peace, and be happy despite what life really is? We have to find ways to revive, and for most of us in this season of life, they need to be simple, manageable, and only use small moments of time.

What Fills You Up

Over the years, ideas have come to my mind, some still useful and others that fell by the wayside and were replaced. It’s been a process, not a one-time thing. Here is what I currently do to center myself, reduce stress, find reasons to smile, and feel calm and happy.

Singing. Each evening I sit in the bathroom, my bedroom, or go outside and sing. I love singing. I do it with vim and vigor and never worry about who might hear. It’s wonderful and rejuvenating.

Reading in stolen moments. I always have a book in my bathroom. I visit this room several times a day, and at each visit I read at least one paragraph, sometimes half a page. I love reading; it feels fun, and fun is always restorative.

Getting up early. Although I resisted the impression for several years, I now get up at 6 to 6:30 am. I have found that I can have at least thirty minutes to an hour by myself before another voice is heard. No questions, no needs to fill.

A morning routine that says, “I matter.” Early in the morning, I have a routine that sets me up for the day. I pray, take my nutrition, and get dressed. I put on a small amount of powdered blush and lipstick and give myself a spritz of a perfume I love. I hadn’t done either in years, but when I began this year, it wasn’t for anyone else but me. They are simply small ways of saying, “Mary, I love you.” It’s amazing what tiny acts of self-care can do for the soul. I write three things in my gratitude journal and read my daily affirmations. Focusing on gratitude and reminding myself of who I am matters deeply as the day revs up, the frustrations increase, and the weariness sets in.

Friends who really know me. I have several friends I connect with regularly. I have lunch with one every three months. We live far apart, drive quite a way to meet in the middle, and want to make it special. I schedule calls with others once a month to once every three months. I had one of these calls last week and another this week. What a gift and a relief. I can share hard things. They listen, have good ideas, and we laugh a lot. It’s deeply restorative.

My nightly shower. I shower most nights. I pray for someone else, then feel the water, enjoy the silence, and let the day go. It’s something I have done since I was sixteen and has never lost its power to soothe my soul, return me to calm, and center me as a daughter of God.

My next-day worksheet. Each evening I write down whatever is cluttering my mind on my next-day worksheet. Someone asked me recently if I wake up at night thinking about all the appointments, doctors, and problems coming up. I was able to say, honestly, never. It’s all on a sheet waiting for me in the morning, and I am free to relax and sleep.

Listening and responding. All day long, thoughts come to my mind: that wasn’t okay, try this instead, stop and finish tomorrow, sit down, you’re a silly woman so smile. I believe these thoughts come from God because I am loved and need the help. Following them has made an enormous difference.

None of these things are managed perfectly. I may miss a shower because it’s just too late. I may not read every time I visit the bathroom because someone is calling for me. Not everything in my morning routine gets done every day. But I manage well enough, and that’s why I’ve been able to do what I’m doing for nine years without falling apart.

Look Back to Find What You’ve Lost

My granddaughter Lizzy is a painter and does wonderfully creative work. She has had her paintings in several shows. Recently, she lamented in a Facebook post that she hasn’t painted a single stroke since her daughter Ila was born several months ago. I could relate.

I used to sing constantly, the songs my mother sang from the 1940s and the music I grew up with in the 50s and 60s. I sang while gardening, cleaning, and caring for my kids. When I wasn’t singing, I played music. Then somewhere in the busyness of caring for my mother and Don, I stopped. No music at all. As I have shared, I finally began singing again in the last year and a half, nudged back to it by a quiet thought I believe came from God.

Since writing my recent article on stillness and making space for yourself, I’ve begun playing music again, the music I grew up with and sang as a busy mother of seven. I have found it exhilarating. I hadn’t realized how much I missed something I had quietly let go.

As you look for what rejuvenates you, think back. What did you love and let go of in the busyness of parenting, working, grandparenting? What might still be waiting for you to return to it?

Your Two Mites

As I wrote about recently, the widow’s mite teaches us that what we give from the heart, even when it feels small, is enough. My list will not work for everyone. I am an Upholder with a busy and energetic nature, so this approach works for me. You will need to determine what works for you. Then make a list. Be clear in your own mind about how you’re going to revive each day, regardless of your energy and temperament. A written list of your ideas can show you whether you’re on track or whether some honest pondering is needed.

We all bring what we have. Some days it’s more, and some days it’s two small mites. But given consistently and from the heart, it’s enough for those we serve and for ourselves.