Category: Relationships

Be Careful Not to Put Management Ahead of Relationship

I had a funny conversation with a single dad. We were talking about how to keep things clean and how to get our kids to clean. I noticed he wasn’t an efficient housekeeper. He felt he was doing ok, and it was ok, just not very clean. : ) This comes from someone who was a professional housekeeper for almost two decades.

Despite having a master’s degree and being a speaker and a writer, I did this work because I like cleaning, I got paid well because I am terrific, and I was my own boss and had time to write, teach, and speak. I know clean. Trust me that can be a blessing and a curse. You can’t imagine how often I have had to force myself not to offer my services to clean someone’s restroom, especially at gas stations and fast-food places. LOL

This dad told me they have a long-time family friend named Steffanie. She is a natural-born cleaner, like me. When he asked the kids to clean anything they would respond, “Dad’s clean, or Stefanie’s clean.” Gotta love kids!

Some of us have a knack for cleaning and we find it satisfying. I’ve been this way since I was a kid. Nobody had to tell me to clean my room. But what happens when your kids are not born cleaners? How do you get the chores done without breaking the relationship bank?

When I was a kid the only consequence for not doing your chores was a spanking. I got my share of those. All parents have some form of consequence that we hold over our kids to get them to do their work. This is because we not only need them to pitch in, but we also want to teach them to be responsible adults. It is our job. But again, getting it done without breaking the relationship bank is important. If we are always yelling, grounding, or spanking, well, relationships will suffer.

Can I share a truth with you that you won’t know until you get there? No matter how clean your home is, no matter how fabulous your system for chores is, some of your adult kids will be neat and tidy as taught and some won’t. I have seven adult kids and I am there. LOL Knowing this makes it easier to not blow a gasket over chores. That is helpful to me now, as I live with four teens.

Two Successful Systems We Used for Management & Relationships

My goal in this article is not to discuss different systems for getting kids to do chores. This article isn’t even about how to get kids to do chores. It’s about keeping home management and teaching in place and reinforcing good relationships at the same time. I’m going to share two things that I did that worked for a time and helped build relationships. One is truly radical. It will leave some of you speechless and others of you laughing. I’m sharing them because they illustrate the importance of relationships over home management.

1. One successful thing we did was put a card above the light fixture in each room that a child might be called upon to clean. This card itemized each thing that had to be cleaned in that room. On any given day, before you could go out to play, you had to do your assigned chore. When your chore was finished the only requirement was that you had to come and tell me personally you were finished, and I would come check it out.

If needed, I would point out the one or two things that required a bit more work or say, “Ok, have fun.” I made sure that despite my overly orderly personality, I kept my expectations age-appropriate. Please note, that this was well into my parenting. I had been required to learn to stop making chores the most important thing because, in my mind, cleanliness was at the top of the list for a time.

I loved this system because I didn’t need to yell. Now and then I would have to track someone down and remind them that their chore came before play. Then we would walk home together and have a mini-conversation on whatever we saw so things stayed calm.

One day, my pre-teen son Barry, came and told me his chore was done. He had been assigned the upstairs bathroom. I smiled and said, “OK, I’ll come and take a look.” Barry‘s face took on a thoughtful expression and he replied, “Just a minute. I’ll be back.” Then he took off up the stairs. About ten minutes later he returned and let me know he was ready for me to see his job. It was well done for a pre-teen boy. : ) I hugged him and off he went to the field to catch snakes.

This system was awesome and worked for a few years. Then we had older teens and that changed everything!

2. One of the most common chores for kids is cleaning their bedroom. There’s the weekly ritual of saying, “Go clean your room.” Then we spend the next few hours cajoling and possibly yelling to get our kids to behave responsibly and get the room cleaned. In our world, this was true with my three boys as they moved into their teens.

Here is the very unconventional thing I did.

I told my sons that they oversaw their rooms, and I wouldn’t interfere if the mess wasn’t spilling into the hall, and I couldn’t smell it. I know, crazy. Then I added, “However, every six months your room must be cleaned well. You must sort your junk, order your drawers and closet, and clean under the bed. Either you do it, or I will. There will be no argument. If you don’t want me in your room, then when I tell you we are at the 6-month mark you clean it. If you need help, I will assist you.”

“If you choose not to clean your room by the specified date, then I will. However, if I clean your room then I decide what stays and what goes, clothes, toys, games, whatever.” This worked for me because if you recall, I LOVE cleaning and am very proficient at it.

I told you this was unconventional. There had been too much arguing, consequences, many of which couldn’t be enforced, and yelling. Their rooms were very messy with dirty clothes on the floor for days or weeks, and clutter all over the place. At this point, the boys were in charge of doing their own laundry. Wash it or wear it dirty. We also had a hook in each room, and you got one towel a week. If it was left on the floor and smelled, you were out of luck. My kids knew by then, that what I said I meant, and laundry and towels were never an issue.

Clothes were shoved into drawers unfolded folded. OK, if you don’t mind wrinkles then I don’t either. They all knew how to iron and on occasion, would if it involved a girl. But for school, no way. These were the 80’s after all.

Barry and Seth left their rooms for me to clean every six months. I got rid of so much junk! I LOVED it and they couldn’t have cared less. However, Andrew always cleaned his room and did an excellent job because he didn’t want me sorting his junk. He never needed any assistance. LOL This crazy system stopped the yelling, pouting, sneaking off, and all the rest. It allowed these almost-adults to make decisions about how to manage themselves and their space.

As a very orderly person, who was an excellent cleaner, it was a challenge for me. But the upside was that I learned to be more flexible, allow others to make decisions different than mine, and to turn and walk away. These lessons came in very handy during our families’ hard years.

Most of you will not think this is a very good system but it worked for us, for a time. I am sharing it because it is just one of many systems we used throughout the years, that were designed to get the job done and keep relationships intact.

As a parent running a household, you have a million things to think about and manage. You have all the physical tasks required to maintain the home both inside and out. You have all the jobs that keep the people in your home cared for—meals, laundry, housekeeping, and chauffeuring kids from place to place. Managing all of this is a big job. However, this is the “doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it.” To be successful in your family relationships, you need to stop “doin’ it” all the time and put effort into working on your family. That’s the relationship part of the job of parenting.

I know the system I used with my teen boys was odd and wouldn’t be found in any parenting book. My two boys who let me clean their rooms are now adults. They know how to clean and organize. Barry is part owner of three businesses and Seth managed two separate businesses and created a training system for one of them. Andrew, the one who always cleaned his room at the 6th-month mark, is a father, a good husband, and a hard worker. Their homes are orderly and clean.

We need to teach our kids to clean. They need to learn to manage their responsibilities. You will try many systems. Some will work for a time and others won’t be successful at all. It is all an experiment.

But ultimately your relationship with your children matters more than whether they clean well or not. The dad I talked with had a lot of fun with his kids and they loved him. They spent time together and they were learning to clean, sometimes Dad’s way and sometimes Stephanie’s way. As adults, they will decide where they fall, and it will be OK.

There are payoffs when we learn to put relationships ahead of home management.

THE PAYOFF OF BALANCING MANAGEMENT AND RELATIONSHIP

PAY OFF 1—Reduced Stress and Increased Energy
Sharon Silver has expressed this perfectly: “Focusing on love and creating a connection causes unseen properties to magically eat up stress. It’s as if stress and love can’t exist in the same space. When a stressed-out parent takes a few minutes to sit and lovingly reconnect to their child, heart to heart, it’s like a key has been inserted and the stress begins to dissolve” (Silver, “4 Minute Way to De-Stress”).

When we put systems in place that put relationships over management, we will be less stressed. I have lived on both sides of this coin.

PAY OFF 2—Extended Patience
When we stop managing things and look at our children, when we see them and hear them, our patience level increases. Remember one of those moments when you felt angry or frustrated but stopped and reached out to your child lovingly, and you felt the negative feelings dissipate? It may not happen often but I’m sure it has happened. It magnifies the feeling of success as a parent. These moments of extended patience help you stay in control when things are heating up in your life.

PAY OFF 3—Reduce the Need for Consequences
You saw how it worked with my first system. I didn’t need to repeat myself or nag. They could take all day but couldn’t go play till done. And Barry understood what was needed to get the go-ahead. No grounding. No yelling. No spanking. And in today’s world, no need to take away the tech. Truth is, sometimes one would choose to stay home all day and not do the work. They also knew it would be there waiting the next day. LOL

PAY OFF 4—Children Who Know They Matter
As adults, we’re end-product driven, and it can become a challenge to not get caught up in management over relationships. We tend to focus on the job at hand, how it should be done, and how it turns out in the end.

This keeps us out of relationship mode. Parents can care too much about the outcome and too little about the relationship. When we take the time to work on our parent/child relationship we allow them to know and love us, and we let them know they matter more than whatever job or task is at hand. This can happen while teaching responsibility.

PAY OFF 5—Enjoyable Relationships
To have fulfilling and enjoyable relationships with those in our care, our children, we need to stop managing so much and give more time to building the relationship. I am laughing because this is how it is with me and my mom. I can get caught up in the ‘doin it’ and forget that how she feels matters more. My boat is your boat. : ) Relationship is everything, and ultimately it depends on you!

PAY OFF 6—The burden of Parenting (or caregiving LOL) is Lightened
Not much feels better than laughing with your child or getting a sloppy kiss and hug when you’re feeling frazzled. Oh yes, and a silly smile and an eye roll from your teen is awesome. : ) It’s sublime hearing the words “You’re the best Mom/Dad.” There’s a feeling of renewal and peace as you rock quietly, holding a child. This is how I felt as I hugged Barry after I checked out the bathroom and then sent him off to hunt snakes.

In the end, relationships will surpass just about everything else in their ability to bring happiness, peace, and satisfaction to your family. It makes the job of parenting lighter.

We all want to prepare our kids to be out on their own. I have been in that place. I have also seen how it worked out as the seven of them became adults. My daughter Jodie who kept her room clean as a kid, often has a messy living room and kitchen. I live in a 4-generation home, and I know. However, she can clean it up and do an amazing job when there is an opening in her busy day as a single mom with four teens, one with severe CP. Often, she chooses to work on relationships rather than cleaning the kitchen and living room. It always amazes me when she gets off work and then takes Mary to do an errand, drives Ben to a friend, or helps Jack with the horses.

Before I knew better, I would have let all this go in order to clean my home, and I would have done a lot of scolding in the process. Despite my early ignorance, my children have learned well.

Ninety percent of people on their deathbed say their biggest regret is they didn’t get closer to the people in their lives and almost all parents whose children are grown say they wish they’d spent more time with their kids. I am right there with them!

One day you’ll be older. Your kids will be gone from your home. You won’t care how clean your house was, how spectacular the yard is, if you homeschooled or public schooled. You won’t value the amount of money you made, how often you went to Disneyland, or what college your kids attended. You won’t care if they’re carpenters or lawyers. You won’t care if you impacted thousands of people as a writer, speaker, or teacher. What you will think about more than anything else is the condition of the relationships within your family. That, my friends, is what you’re going to treasure most.

Take time now to make them sweet.

You can learn more on this subject and read other wonderful examples and stories in the book Becoming a Present Parent: Connecting with Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. See Chapter 9 ADJUST YOUR APPROACH

Say Yes More Often Than No

I bought Mom a beautiful fake flower in a glass bowl. My mother loves flowers, but we can’t have any living plants in her room because she pours water on them continually. There are some problems with that.

1. Plants die if the roots are submerged in water. We have lost a few.
2. Eventually, they begin to smell.
3. She uses the water she is supposed to drink, and then it’s impossible to track her water consumption. Water is a vital part of what I manage because one of the first things to go with dementia is a sense of thirst, and dehydration is a real issue.

The day I bought this lovely plant, I entered her room to find the pot filled with water! I felt irritated and explained to Mom that it wasn’t a living plant, it didn’t need water, water might ruin it, etc. Then I cleaned out the pot and the mess on the dresser. I refilled her water glass.

When I returned, she had again filled the vase with water. This is what dementia is, and it isn’t her fault, but I was tired and felt angry to have another mess. I knew she couldn’t recall our previous conversation, and if I said it all to her again, she wouldn’t remember. However, if she kept putting water in the vase, I would have to remove the plant from her room. I mean, it was a fake plant and didn’t need water. Right!

Later, standing at the sink washing dishes, I had this thought, “What does it matter?” I was astonished and stood thinking about it. What did it matter? If water were in the vase, it would just be there. The stems were plastic, and the vase was glass, so water shouldn’t hurt. I didn’t want water in the vase, it was out of order. But what did it really matter?

I returned to my mom’s room and said, “You know Mom, if there is water in this vase, it doesn’t hurt anything. It doesn’t matter. Why don’t you put some water in the vase, and then you won’t worry about it.” She poured water in the vase, and it made her happy. After all, to her, it was a living plant. She sat back in her rocking chair, and I said, “I’m sorry, Mom. I can get grouchy.” She smiled and replied, “That’s OK.” Then we hugged. Eventually, the water evaporated, and she never refilled it. It was only on her mind that first day. Not a problem at all.

As I thought about this experience, several things came to my mind.
•There isn’t just one right or OK way to do a thing.
•Flexibility when working with others smooths our daily interactions.

When something seems wrong, bizarre, or dangerous, we need to stop and consider if that is a story, we are telling ourselves or if the facts indicate it’s true. If it’s true, then we need to act. However, if it’s just not how we would do it or if it seems out of order to us, then we should step back and see how it could be made manageable.

When we do this, it can impact our relationships in a big way. It is freeing to us and validating to others when they are allowed to make decisions for themselves even if they are different from what we might do. My boys and their bedrooms are a good example.

Managing a Boys Dirty Room!

I am a very tidy person, and I like order. When I was younger, I felt this was right and the only way to be. That caused me some problems because order and tidiness aren’t important to everyone. Take my three boys for example. Their rooms, in my opinion, were pigsty’s. The floors, dresser tops, closets, bed, and every space in their rooms were littered with stuff.

Of course, I spent lots of time yelling about their messy rooms. I had consequences if the rooms were out of order. It never made a dent. Even on days when I wouldn’t let them leave till their rooms were clean, by that night, they would be in disarray and cluttered again.

I finally got tired of yelling and how it made me feel, how it was hurting my relationship with my boys. I knew there had to be another way to handle it, so I prayed and pondered the situation. I came up with a plan that worked perfectly for many years.

I sat the boys down and told them how their messy rooms made me feel. I told them that I knew they didn’t feel the same way, so here was how we were going to handle our differences.

If I couldn’t see the mess, I would leave them alone. That meant they had to keep their doors closed with nothing spilling into the hallway. Maybe they would clean them occasionally, but that was up to them.

The caveat was this, every six months the room had to be deep cleaned. I would tell them when the cleaning week was. They could clean the room, or I would. They could decide what stayed and what went if they cleaned their room. However, if I cleaned their room that decision was up to me.

My sons Barry and Seth never cleaned their rooms, and I was more than happy to go in every six months and dung them out. Cleaning is my thing and I like it. They didn’t care if I junked stuff. It was perfect.

My son Andrew didn’t want me in his stuff so every six months he would deep clean his room and I stayed out. That also worked perfectly.

I know this wouldn’t appeal to everyone, but for us, it was a great way to handle the issue. No more yelling, no more Saturdays with upset boys sitting in their rooms feeling angry. And every six months I got to do my thing. As I said, for us it was perfect. Don’s Christmas ornaments are another good example.

Don’s Christmas Ornaments

Don loves decorations at Christmas. I used to go all out. Our home looked like a Better Homes and Gardens picture. But I’m older now, and I don’t care about most of the trappings of Christmas. Much of what I do these days is for Don. I would buy a big poinsettia and call it good. LOL

Last Christmas, as has happened for many years, Don didn’t want to take down the tree. He would leave it up till April if he could and did do that one year. : ) I, of course, wanted the tree down and all the paraphernalia put away. You know, back in order. But he was firm in his desire to be able to see his favorite decorations longer. What could I do?

Again, I prayed and pondered the situation. One morning I saw this picture in my mind; all of Don’s favorite ornaments hung on the wall behind his desk. And that is where they hang year-round, to this day. It isn’t what I would do because it is cluttered to me. However, I can live with it, and he is as happy as a clam because it’s how he would do things.

My daughter Jodie, has a wonderful saying that she lives by. I have seen her use it consistently in her home, and I know the results. I am often amazed at her yeses, and I have learned a lot about flexibility watching her with her children. Her belief in this saying has paid off many times. I work to remember this more often and it helps me focus on people, not things, and my way of how it should be done.

What if we said yes as often as we could and not only when we had to?

The Power of I Love You

Back in 2012, I read an article by Kerry Patterson of the Arbinger Institute, a company designed to build leaders and businesses. He has also helped author several wonderful books designed to help people have better relationships in families, at work, and in communities. I have enjoyed reading his work for many years. This article, which was published around the holidays, beautifully showcased the power of love. I am sharing it with you because it is powerful. I hope it will bless you and help change your life. : )

The Power of I Love You by Kerry Patterson

Typically, this time of year, I write a piece about the holiday season. This year, I’ve penned a story that took place years ago—during the late spring—nowhere close to the holidays. Nevertheless, even though the tale doesn’t involve presents, or mistletoe, or anything remotely festive, I think it captures the spirit of the season.

The other day, while my three-year-old grandson, Tommy, and I took a walk through the neighborhood, the little guy picked up a rock and tossed it into an irrigation ditch. And then, in the non-sequiturial manner that defines three-year-olds, he looked up at me and whispered, “I love you.” Much to my delight, Tommy tells me this quite often, but on this particular day, there was something about the circumstances that jarred loose the memory of an incident I hadn’t thought about for over half a century.

This particular memory started with what should have been a harmless trip to the grocery store. It was the spring of 1953, I was seven years old, and Mom decided she needed to fetch some milk in order to finish a batch of chocolate pudding. Five minutes later, as Mom, my brother Billy, and I rolled up to the grocery store, Mom spotted her best friend Lydia. “I’m going to be chatting for a while,” Mom barked. “Why don’t you boys play outside with the kids in the neighborhood?”

I was hungrier for snacks than I was for companionship, so I set off in search of discarded pop bottles in nearby gutters. If I got lucky, I’d find a few bottles and trade them in for penny candy. At age eleven, my brother Billy was hungrier for adventure than for sweets, so he set off for points unknown.

After talking with Lydia for nearly half an hour, and with a quart bottle of milk firmly tucked under her arm, Mom stuck her head outside the store and shouted, “Boys, it’s pudding time!”

With the promise of chocolate hanging in the air, I raced back to the store—but Billy was nowhere to be seen. “Go find your brother,” Mother exhorted. “He’s probably down by the creek.”

The creek Mom referred to flowed through the countryside a couple of blocks north of the store until it abruptly disappeared into a four-foot-high cement culvert that carried the water underground for two miles. The tunnel was filthy, dark, dangerous, and chock full of rats. In short, it was boy heaven.

Unfortunately, just getting to the creek posed a serious challenge. The route went past the McHenry house and the McHenry house was filled with stone-cold criminals. The adult McHenrys (when not in prison) were constantly tossing back home brew while feverishly hammering on the pile of rusted auto parts that was their front yard. The McHenry boys, ever anxious to please their parents, cursed, spat, and sic’d their dogs on anyone who had the temerity to breach their territory. I was about to be their next victim.

But I got lucky that day. As I walked toward the creek, the McHenrys were nowhere to be found. Seizing the moment, I dashed passed their den and down to the tunnel entrance. Whew! I had made it!

And then I faced a new challenge. If my brother was, indeed, playing in the culvert, I’d have to shout out a password before he’d let me in. It was kid code. My friends and I were always using secret words such as “Open sesame” to gain entry into our forts or to earn freedom from captivity should the “enemy” lock us up. This system worked quite well except when we changed or forgot the password, which was most of the time.

“Open sesame!” I hollered as I rounded the bend near the mouth of the tunnel. I heard nothing from Billy. “Open sesame!” I tried again, followed by silence and then a resounding “Geronimo!” which also had no effect. Next, I tried, “Montezuma!” Then “Beelzebub!” Still no response. Just when I was about to whip out the granddaddy of all passwords—”Code red!”—I was yanked off my feet and held in the air—thrashing like a gaffed salmon. Craning my head to see who had ahold of my collar, I stared into the face of Chuck McHenry, the oldest and foulest of the McHenry boys.

“Lookin’ for your brother, are ya?” Chuck asked with breath that could stop a bullet. “Cuz if you are, me and my brothers have him trapped.”

Sure enough, a few feet away stood two of Chuck’s teenage brothers. They were throwing rocks into the mouth of the tunnel as if competing in some sort of sadistic carnival game. Eleven-year-old Billy would peek out of the culvert opening to see if the coast was clear and then the McHenrys would hurl jagged rocks at his head.

“Leave my brother alone!” I hollered as I tried my best to kick the McHenry ringleader. Chuck merely laughed. I was seven; he was in his late teens. Fighting was useless. After I tried to break away for what seemed like an hour, Chuck offered up a plan: “If you want us to let your brother go, you’ll have to do somethin’ for it.”

“What?” I asked.

“What do you guys think?” Chuck questioned his brothers. “Should we make him run naked through stinger nettles?”

“Maybe we should hang him by his heels from a tree!” one of his brothers chimed in. “I got it!” Chuck announced as he nodded his head knowingly. I couldn’t imagine what he had in mind, but whatever demented stunt he had concocted, I’d gladly do it. Billy was my best friend, my protector, my big brother.

Then, with a grin that suggested he had just devised the most nefarious punishment ever, Chuck announced: “Tell your brother—in a loud voice—that you love him!” I was confused. This was all he wanted? To tell my brother that I loved him? “Go ahead,” he chided. “Say it! I dare you!” “I love you!” I shouted to my brother.

The McHenry boys then hooted and howled. From their point of view, I had just humiliated myself beyond repair. Right there in front of the whole neighborhood, I, a boy, had been tender and sensitive. Worse still, I had dared to say, “I love you”—to my brother no less! Ugh! As far as the McHenrys were concerned, I had completely disgraced myself.

Finally, after nearly laughing himself sick, Chuck tossed me to the ground and threatened to “pound” my brother and me if either of us said a word to our parents. Then, tiring of the whole affair, Chuck turned on his heels and darted back to his lair—his brothers close behind.

After checking to see if the thugs had really gone, Billy cautiously climbed out of the tunnel, took my hand, and walked me back to the grocery store. “Don’t tell Mom what just happened,” Billy warned. “If you do, the McHenrys will beat us for sure.”

“Plus, if we tattle, Mom will ask us what we learned,” I added. Then we both laughed at the thought. Mom was always asking us what we had learned from our latest debacle and to be honest, I didn’t have a clue what I had just learned. I could say that I had learned not to play in the culvert or go near the McHenrys—but I already knew that.

No matter what we were supposed to have learned that morning, the incident remained locked deep inside my brain until a few days ago when my grandson, Tommy, tossed a rock into a stream and told me he loved me. And then, like an orb tumbling out of a gumball machine, the McHenry memory tumbled out of the dark recesses of my mind and onto these pages.

I’m glad it’s been nearly sixty years since the original event took place because now, I’m mature enough to know what I learned that day. And I’ll be darned if I hadn’t learned it from the most unlikely of characters—Chuck McHenry. The lesson couldn’t be clearer. When threatened by your worst enemy, when going toe-to-toe with the adversary, remember the secret password. Not just any password, but the password.

I love you. It opens all doors.

A Story of Classic ‘In the Box’ Thinking

I lived in an apartment before we consolidated into a four-generation home. I loved my apartment except for one thing, there weren’t many electrical outlets, and they didn’t all work well. I know I could have fixed them, but as with most things that don’t cause enough discomfort, I just kept thinking about it.

Because of the outlet situation, I plugged my vacuum into the bathroom outlet, which was down a short hallway from the living room. It was high on the wall by the mirror. It wouldn’t hold the plug tightly and the plug frequently fell out. It was exasperating every time I vacuumed.

By the time I finished, I would be angry at the vacuum and the plug, as if they were living things out to make my life miserable. Occasionally I would yell at them. I was a victim of a home with lousy outlets! When I was ready to vacuum, I sometimes thought about how exasperating it would be. I was bugged before I started. You may be laughing, but I know you can relate!

One day my daughter stopped over and helped with the vacuuming. I noticed she plugged the vacuum into the kitchen, which was also off the living room. I was amazed because it never occurred to me to do that. I had always used the bathroom outlet. Despite being upset over the situation, I was busy and wanted it done so I could get on to the next thing. I never took the time to problem-solve the dilemma. This is an example of classic in the box thinking.

It took an outside view to help me see another alternative. The next day Jodie had a second idea. She showed me that if I wanted to use the bathroom plug, I could wrap the cord around the towel rack hanging just above it, and it would stay in. Imagine two solutions to my problem in two days after years of frustration. Both solutions were simple and doable.

I had gotten into the box when it came to vacuuming. Being frustrated, angry, and feeling like a victim of bad outlets had become a habit for me.

I am sure you are thinking how silly, how foolish to put up with a bothersome situation so long when there were easy solutions right under my nose. You are right, but that is what in the box thinking is…moving down one road filled with ruts and holes and not taking the time to consider other alternatives; feeling put upon, bothered, stuck, or victimized.

I am sharing this old experience because this happens in relationships and in parenting. A child is bugging us, we can’t figure out how to solve a problem in their schooling results, we can’t seem to fix our schedule, the kids won’t do their chores, we haven’t been able to make curfew work or manage the technology in our home, and the list goes on.

We’re all busy and sometimes do not take the time to step back and think out of the box to resolve the issue. It’s easier to put up with things that are bugging us until they become habits and cause real pain. It’s also easier to blame someone or something else, just as I blamed the vacuum cord and the plug. The real problem was easy for my daughter to solve because she wasn’t blaming anything, she wasn’t willing to be frustrated, and she was willing to STOP, look, and see what other options were available. Once we climb outside the box, all sorts of possible solutions emerge.

Thinking out of the box is associated with creativity, it causes us to move in diverging directions, consider a variety of solutions, and not feel like victims.

We all need help to get out of our boxes. We may find that help in a wise neighbor or friend, maybe even a helpful daughter. We might need a counselor or mentor. We can find solutions to issues that are causing us pain.

But we must:

• Realize that there may be a better way if we look.
• Be willing to accept other options when presented.
• Listen to the ideas of others. Sometimes ask your child.
• Get outside help if needed.
• Allow yourself to experiment with new ways of being or engaging with others. If it doesn’t work, there is no failure. Just try another experiment.

When we learn to stop and look at our problems in new ways, we can solve them.

Getting out of the box can lead to better family relationships and peace.

Personal Growth When Life Turns Upside Down

Jams and Grahams – a Caregivers Story of Personal Growth

Last week I shared a tremendous story of how my sister maintained her sense of value and happiness and was able to problem-solve effectively during a very stressful experience. Today I want to share one more that is equally amazing. This happened on Christmas day, 2022, so I wanted to share it before we were too far into the new year.

My sister Rozanne’s husband has had two strokes. They have upended their lives. Some days can be very challenging. As she said, “Since the second stroke, it has been six months of ‘adding in and letting go,’ of various expectations, for both of us.”

Christmas was not the same. There were no gifts under the tree they had purchased for each other. It wasn’t something her husband was capable of, and she had been busy taking care of Christmas for her grown family and others she loves and cares about.

Nevertheless, we want to carry on with traditions, so on Christmas morning Rozanne placed a bow on a box of jam that she had purchased for Daryl. He loves jam. She chose not to wrap the box, only adding a bow. At this challenging time, she had been practicing letting go of what had seemed important in the past but that she now knows is unimportant. After all, since her husband’s stroke what was necessary and important had changed a lot.

The box of jam looked lonely sitting there. Then she remembered Daryl had asked his son, Kenny, to buy a box of graham crackers for her, because he knows she loves them. They were in the kitchen cupboard. She went to the kitchen and retrieved the box of crackers and placed them under the tree next to the jam. Into her mind came these words, ‘Jams and Grahams,’ a Caregivers’ Story of Personal Growth. As a full-time caregiver, I can relate to my sister’s experience!

You see, life isn’t static. It changes. Sometimes the change is exciting and pleasurable. Sometimes it requires that we manage our story and in turn how we choose to feel.

The Rest of the Story

My sister could have mourned the changes that Christmas morning, but instead she took charge of the story, and the result was joy, not sorrow. Let me share the rest of the story and you will see what I mean.

Daryl was happy to see two gifts under the tree. He took his bottles of jam and put them in hiding. : ) As my sister walked to the kitchen to put her graham crackers back in the cupboard she noticed that Daryl had taken the bow from his jam package and placed it on her cracker box. My sister said, “The picture in my mind of that sweet gesture, will remain in my thoughts, for the rest of my life.”

This year, choose to suffer less. Choose to remain in control of your stories. Write them in your mind in a way that lifts you, no matter what happens. You are 100% in control of your response to whatever comes your way. You can’t control everything that happens or how others behave, but you can control your response.

Here’s to a ‘Character Building’ New Year full of personal growth.

How To Have Better Outcomes

I received a call from my sister, Rozanne. She was giving me an update on a difficult situation in her life. It was such a profound example of taking responsibility for your responses and choosing to let go of suffering, I asked her if I could share the experience with you.

I know how important perspective or the story that we tell ourselves in any given situation is. I have learned how to take control and have gotten good at doing it. It requires lots of practice. Each time I am triggered in any way, I stay out of blame, and I seek the facts, not what I feel, but what is true. Often there are few facts and many assumptions.

I have also learned that when we blame, complain, or stay in the negative, it is harder to problem-solve and get a result that blesses us. Often, we choose to suffer. I learned this lesson over time. You can read about it HERE.

Anyway, back to my sister’s experience. I think you will see both life principles at work. You will also see how using them made a huge difference in her outcome.

My sister had a new job and was working part-time. After being there a short while, one of the supervisors had to take leave due to ill health. Rozanne was bumped up to full-time.

Quickly my sister noticed that there were many unkind things being said about the supervisor who was on leave. Most felt she was not on the level and was taking advantage of the system. Rozanne, when caught in one of these conversations, would reply, “You don’t know that.”

At the end of 2022, the supervisor was scheduled to return to work after being gone for five months. Rozanne was going to lose her full-time position which paid $900 a month. She was given only a couple of days notice of the coming change. Her husband has dementia and they had gotten used to having the extra funds in their budget. $900 was a huge cut in their total income. Occasionally, this thought would come to her mind, “This isn’t fair. Maybe she is using the system. I should fight this.” However, she would not engage with this thinking. She threw it out and replaced it with this, “I’m glad she’s better and can come back. I know I will be taken care of, and all will be well.” Rozanne decided to trust God and take control of her perspective. She began looking at her options to recoup the $900.

The week the supervisor returned, Rozanne was asked to retrain her. Wow, how would you feel about that? Rozanne had to work to keep her story positive. She was determined to be a blessing to this woman who had been out sick for so long. She had no facts or reason to believe that the supervisor had done anything wrong.

Here is the truth.

We get to choose how we see things. It is a choice. You have 100% control over your responses even when you cannot control the circumstances. My sister believed this.

The day before the supervisor’s return, a coworker who would be working with the supervisor and Rozanne said, “Well, I may have to work for her but I’m not going to speak to her.” Rozanne asked her why not? The worker replied that this woman had taken advantage of the system and so she wasn’t going to be nice to her. Five months is a good amount of time for a random piece of gossip to really take root.

Rozanne asked her co-worker other questions which were thoughtful and kind. After her questions and her co-workers’ responses Rozanne leaned in and gently said, “You really don’t know,” Her coworker thoughtfully responded, “Well, I guess that’s true.”

The next day the return of the supervisor and her retraining went well. She and Rozanne had great conversations and smiled a lot. Rozanne showed her how to do a couple of tasks in a more efficient way and the woman followed her lead and was grateful.

The coworker Rozanne had spoken with the day before was a new woman when she came to work. She was kind, smiled, and had a good conversation with the returning supervisor. Rozanne said, “I was rather shocked by her delightful countenance toward the Supervisor, but our conversation may have contributed to her change of heart.” It was a pleasant day for all three women. They had made it a good day by choice! They chose the perspective or story they would attend to in the situation. They stayed out of the negative, they choose not to suffer.

Here is the rest of the story.

Rozanne knew she had to make up the income loss. There would be some income from the part-time position she was returning to but the amount would change weekly as she would be on call. She chose not to count that in her budget. She wanted something more secure and stable.

Rozanne teaches exercise classes for the elderly in her city. She has certifications and many years of experience under her belt. She had a thought that she should request a raise. She was teaching four classes weekly and making $90 per class. With the current cost of living, she felt a raise to $125 dollars per class would be reasonable. This was a scary thing for her to contemplate doing but the thought was clear. She went to her computer, sat down, and drafted a letter. After a moment of consternation, she hit send. Within minutes a reply came through that her request for a raise had been granted. WHAT!!!

Later that day she received a letter from the government that her husband’s Social Security had been raised by $100 and hers by $75. Things kept happening and within 48 hours Rozanne had replaced the whole $900.

Was this a lucky break? Was it a coincidence? NO. I have lived this and so has my sister. She took control of her story. She stayed out of blame and the negative. She looked for answers, remained calm and trusting, and took a step. It was a scary step, but she took it. God had her back because she was living true principles.

Rozanne was blessed as she took control and stayed out of victim mode, and this blessed others. The supervisor was welcomed back. She had a wonderful day and could move forward with confidence. The coworker learned the value of letting go of gossip and controlling her story. She had a lovely day and will now continue to support the returning supervisor and will help put gossip to rest. And Rozanne, well she had a great day also, and because she remained positive and was willing to step out in faith and trust, her problem was resolved.

I know this story was long, but it’s important. I have three happiness commandments posted on my wall. They are based on true principles, that when lived, help us let go of suffering, control our responses, and live better lives.

1. Be a Pollyanna. Look for the good. Trust that it is there. Stay out of the negative.

2. Clean the ditch. Farmers know that despite their best efforts ditches get clogged with
garbage. They must be cleaned out regularly so that water can reach the plants and they can grow. It is the same with our thinking.

3. Let go of suffering. Suffering is often a choice based on our perspective, our story. Take the time to clear your mind and look at the facts. Build your story around those facts and then add all the positives you can.

These three ways of being drastically changed my life and if you will use them as my sister did, and as I do, they will change your life too.

Let me end with what Rozanne said to me at the end of our phone conversation. It is worth printing and hanging on your wall:

“Sometimes Heavenly Orchestrations feel like mud! But they work out if we have faith because mud is filled with nutrients and nothing can grow without it.”

6 Tips for Talking With Kids

I have had some GREAT conversations with kids. There are always opportunities to practice this skill, and it is a skill. Part of the reason I have these great conversations is that I work at keeping the conversation going. I want to talk with them, I want to know what they think and feel about what is going on in their lives. I want to know them better. That is what makes a great conversationalist with kids of all ages.

How to keep the conversation going

A conversation goes much farther with a child when we do not impart our judgments or opinions. There is great value in focusing on a child’s feelings or reactions in any given situation rather than sharing what we think or feel. When we can listen without judgment, it helps kids process their emotions.

I laugh when I think of a conversation that a friend shared. She was riding in the car with her teenage daughter, and it went something like this:
“Mom”.
“What?”
“I don’t think I should have a baby now.”
“Is this a consideration?”
“I thought about it, but now I’ve realized something.”
“What’s that?”
“I only really want to buy lots of cute little baby shoes.”
“Oh, that’s very different from having a real baby.”
“Yeah, that’s what I think too.”

When this mom listened calmly, without judgment or sharing her own opinion, she found out what was really going on. It was all about cute baby shoes and not sex. She learned something about her daughter. The conversation lasted long enough to know what her daughter was really thinking.

Here is another example of listening without judgment or opinion.
“Mom, I don’t like David.”
“Hmm, why not?”
“He is dumb.”
“What happened to make you think that?”
“He pushed me off the swing.”
“Oh really? How was that for you?”
“Not good! I really wanted to swing, and it hurt my leg.”
“You didn’t get to swing.”
“No, and that wasn’t nice!”
“You got hurt?”
“Yeah! I would never do that to someone!”

Right after the words, “Mom, I don’t like David,” this mom could have begun a mini-lecture on why it isn’t nice to talk mean about our friends, and then she wouldn’t have discovered what her son was feeling or had experienced.

6 TIPS FOR TALKING WITH KIDS

Ask open-ended questions. “How did that work out? How do you feel about that? What do you think you can do? How was that for you?
Don’t offer your opinion.
Give fewer judgments.
Say fewer words.
Help kids find their own feelings about their experiences.
Rather than tell, ask.

These tips will help your child develop emotional awareness and a strong inner compass. It will help them choose their behavior even when no one is there to evaluate and give them feedback. There is always time to revisit a conversation if teaching is needed, but for now, listen, be interested, and ask good questions.

When we practice talking with our children we are better able to be present and we parent more wisely.

To Waste or Not to Waste – That Is The Question

A mother asked me how I handled it when my children wanted to make something that I knew wouldn’t be used after it was created. How did I feel about the waste of resources and the mess that would be left? That is a great question. In fact, this same question comes up often when I am working with moms, and I have put some thought into it and decided that an even better question would be:

“How do we determine when materials are being well used and when are they being wasted and if the mess will be worth it?”

When my youngest daughter Kate was seven, she and a friend created a boat out of an old wooden crate. They spent a few days on it and used a lot of paint, brushes, nails, and other materials. When they were finished, they had a creation that delighted them. They played in that boat all summer. But it did require a fair amount of resources and when seven-year-olds paint and hammer, there will be a mess.

When my grandson, Jack, was seven he created a robot out of a piece of plywood, tin foil, empty paper roll tubes, and tons of glue, expensive ‘real sticky glue’ as he called it. It turned out spectacularly, but it didn’t have any use. It was too big and not sturdy enough to hang on a wall. It lay on the concrete at the bottom of the back steps to be admired by the whole family until it rained. Then all the pieces were gathered up by an adult and taken to the dump.

Both children learned a lot from their experiences. They utilized skills they would need to hone to become well-rounded adults. Here are some skills they had to use to make their creations.
• They need a vision
• It took initiative
• They had to bring the vision to life
• They needed to gather the needed materials
• They had to problem solve
• They worked independently
• They had to decide when to ask for help and what help they need

These important skills, which they were able to practice, made the use of the materials perfect and justified the mess in my mind. Seriously. : )

Today, let’s explore one of the reasons why parents have so much trouble letting their kids waste, i.e. create, with paper, glue, paint, and so forth, and why it’s tough to face the clean-up afterward.

Adults are End-Product Driven while Children are Process Driven

The end product is what matters to adults, how it looks, and its usefulness. To children, it is all about the process. Children care about how it feels to create. They aren’t as concerned with the usefulness of the finished project or in fact, how ‘perfect’ it looks. They don’t worry about the mess they are making because they are so caught up in the creative process.

Because you care about the end product, you will be viewing your children’s activities through those lenses—unless, of course, you will consciously take those glasses off and see what your children see.

Don’t manage your children’s efforts in an attempt to make the project turn out the way you think it should. Don’t worry so much about waste or mess. Think instead of what your children are gaining while creating.

When you decide to see your children’s projects differently, you will better evaluate the ‘correct’ use of materials. It will be more about them and less about you.

In our communities, we could use a few more adults who aren’t afraid to turn their dreams into reality because they spent their childhood doing it.

Be Careful of Expectations

Majestic

I knew a BIG black dog named Majestic. He belonged to my friend Cathy. I am sure that in his prime, he was majestic. But when I knew him, he was far along in age and had begun to slow down…a lot! His hips hurt, and his eyesight had gone.

Majestic could no longer run freely and chase balls. He frequently bumped into furniture if someone moved it. If you came into the room and walked towards him, Majestic would stagger to his feet and try to get out of your way, not sure which way to go. He couldn’t wrestle with the kids anymore.

You would think that this once-majestic dog would have been miserable. But he wasn’t. In fact, Majestic wasn’t sad at all. Instead, Majestic was glad to be alive. He was open to sniffing your hand, getting a pat or two, and sleeping in the sun. He was grateful for every good thing and seemed to take the bad in stride.

When Majestic passed away, I thought a lot about his acceptance of his life. How could a once energetic and magnificent dog be happy with where his life had taken him – to aching hips and blind eyes? I have concluded that it has to do with expectations. Majestic didn’t have any. He lived in the present, cared about his relationship with ‘his people,’ and took things as they came.

I have noticed that my expectations are the thing that gets me into the most trouble. If what I think should happen doesn’t, I have a hard time enjoying what is.

Examples of Expectations Gone Awry

Here are some perfect examples of what I am talking about. A friend of mine took her family of three boys, ages 9, 6, and 3, on a road trip. They were finishing up a year’s study of minerals and rocks. During that year, the family had terrific experiences. This trip was going to cap it off perfectly. She knew just how it was going to go.

A few weeks later, she gave me a call. I asked her how the trip went, and she said, “Well, it was OK, but it didn’t turn out as well as I hoped.” So, I asked her what went wrong, and she told me all the things that they didn’t get to do.

I then asked her to tell me what they did do. They went to a dinosaur dig and had a fun day. They sang a ton of songs in their van as they traveled. They had great conversations about how the earth was created and what space is like. They dug for gems one afternoon.

“My goodness,” I replied, “there are mothers out there who would give anything for a week like that with their kids.” There was a pause on the other end of the line, and then she said, “Your right. I guess it was a pretty good trip after all. I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

Another mom was telling me about their failed home school day. She described the project she had planned for her kids. The finished product didn’t turn out very well, in her opinion. I asked her if they had fun and learned things. She said yes, but she wished the end product had turned out better.

This mom missed the point of doing the project with her children – to be present with them, connect and have fun and learn a little. But, as far as I could see, and in fact what her kids saw, it was a great home school day, and the project was enjoyable.

Just the Opposite!

Another friend and her children worked in their garden all day long. It was coming along beautifully as they dug and planted seeds. When mom wasn’t paying attention, the water got turned on and was on for some time. The garden was ruined. This mom could have said to herself or her kids, “What a waste of a day!” But she didn’t. She was grateful for the fun time they spent together, and she told me it was a day they won’t soon forget, even if they must redo it.

The Difference Between Adults and Children

Adults care about the product or outcome. This sets us up for frustration, disappointment, and sometimes anger when things don’t go as planned. Kids, on the other hand, care about the process. They are interested in what they are doing and learning. They like the paint’s feel, the clay’s denseness, the cool dirt in the garden. They want laughter and mini-conversations.

The outcome will always matter to adults, but when you’re with your child, make the mental shift from the result to the process. Let your preconceived expectations go. If you can keep your mind on the child and the joy they’re experiencing, you’ll have a far different experience. This is true in organizing, playing, working, taking a hike, going on vacation, shopping, gardening, whatever.

I understand this comment by the motivational speaker Dan Clark: “Begin with the why in mind rather than the end in mind.” I love his statement because when adults adopt this attitude, our kids and we have more fun and satisfaction in just about everything we do together. Rather than focusing on how it turns out, we focus on the child. Our expectation becomes the relationship.

Remember why you’re going for a family trip, why you’re letting the kids help you paint, why you’re planting a garden together. Remember, the purpose for just about everything you do in your family is to build relationships. So, link your satisfaction to your ability to enjoy what is with your family even when it falls short of your expectations.

Time with Our Kids Is What Matters Most

Time spent isn’t just worthwhile if everything goes well. All the time we spend with our children matters, both in the good times and not-so-good times.

And there it is. We sometimes suck the joy right out of an activity, a family trip, a child-parent moment because it wasn’t what we had in our mind; it didn’t stand up to our expectations. Keep expectations from getting in the way of enjoying your family. Keep the perfect from becoming the enemy of the good. Let go of expectations and be Present!

Who do you know that has trouble with expectations? Help them out. : )

How to Leave Work and Be Present With Your Family

I heard something on TV recently, of all places, and I thought it was worth passing on because the truth is, when you do work outside of your family, regardless of what it is, it is tough to ‘be home’ and leave that work at work.

I don’t usually watch tv. However, Don was watching the Equalizer, and I was baking cookies so I could see and hear the television. The series centers around Robyn McCall, a single mother with a mysterious background who uses her extensive skills to help those with nowhere else to turn. In this episode, Robyn was having a hard time letting go of the case she was working on, to focus on her teenage daughter.

Robyn was working with a detective from the police department who seemed able to leave work at work even though people’s lives hung in the balance. She asked him how he was able to turn work off so that he could BE with his family the way he did? His response was terrific. The detective said that he had a ritual when he arrived at home and stood inside his doorway. “I hold my keys, feel the weight in my hands, and remind myself that I am home. Then I hang them up and am present with my family.”

Robyn stood inside her front door, held her keys, and looked at them in the final scene. Then she shifted her weight, hung up the keys, yelled, “I’m home,” and walked towards her daughter.

A tip to help you leave work both physically and mentally

When it is time to end your work and be with your family, have family rituals, systems, or traditions that you engage in. Rituals, systems, or traditions work the same whether your job is outside the home or your job is in your home. These rituals, systems, or traditions can pull you back into your family.

Some Examples

One of my friends is a very successful entrepreneur. She has a great deal to do each day, and her office is in her home. Ten minutes before her kids come home, she shuts the office down. Next, she prepares for what she calls ‘hugs and tickles.’ As each child arrives home, there is a tussle of tickling, hugging, falling on the couch, and rolling on the floor. This activity changes the tone of the day for this mom. Then she asks about school, gets kids to do their homework, and thinks about dinner. Later in the evening, she may have an appointment or call, but she will have spent at least 3-4 hours of quality time with her kids.

Another mom has a 9 to 5 job. She is a manager, and it is stressful. But when she arrives at home, the first thing she does is drop her purse and go to each child and hug them. Then the family prepares dinner and sets the table. They work as a team. They each share what was great about the day and what wasn’t so great at dinner.

If you work at a job or run a business from your home, then it will help you disengage if you have some activity you do consistently that lets your brain know that, at least for now, you are home and your family matters. Of course, there will be days that don’t go as planned and days when you don’t have it together. But if you can put your system, tradition, or ritual in play even a portion of the time, it will make a big difference in your ability to be present and work on family relationships.