Category: Present Parenting

How to Determine a Successful Activity? Story 2

Let’s pick up where we left off last week. I shared a cookie-baking experience I had with some neighbor children, who were my buddies. Today, I share the second baking experience, one I had with two of my grandchildren. Watch for the connections as we explore how to determine a successful activity.

Story 2

The second cookie bake occurred some months after the first one. Maggie was four, and Jack was two. One day I called Jack and asked him what he was interested in. We were not living in the same home but close enough to meet weekly. He replied without hesitation, “Making cookies.” The Spark!

I put some thought into how we could do this. After all, it hadn’t been long since Story 1, and Maggie had severe cerebral palsy. How could I make this a fun learning experience without breaking my patience bank? LOL

I turned the written recipe into a picture recipe. I learned from my Story 1 experience that when you can’t read, a recipe is hard to manage. I wasn’t all that techy, but with a Word doc. and some pictures, I figured it out. It only took about 15 minutes. : )

Because they were 2 and 4, I didn’t differentiate measurements, just how many cups or spoons we needed to use. If there was more than one teaspoon, I would show two spoons in the recipe. Another thing I had learned from the Story 1 experience. If I had been working with older children, we would have discussed different cup measurements and found the cup or spoon that matched the fraction in the recipe. I have done this with my older grands for years. They don’t get bored, and cookie baking has become a tradition, a true bonding experience.

I had all the ingredients on the table when they came over to bake. Another thing I learned from Story 1, no time to fight while I got organized. LOL Since these two were calmer than the first and larger group, we were able to talk about what each ingredient did. Salt, for example, isn’t used to make cookies saltier; it enhances the taste. Hmmm, new word! Sugar makes cookies sweet. Flour and eggs are the structural ingredients in baking; they give cookies substance. Two more new words. Baking soda is for fluffiness, and you can clean your dog with it too! This fluffiness is called leaven, another new word. This was a new word day and they loved it.

We looked through the picture recipe and talked about what we needed to do. At the bottom, it told us to set the oven to 375 degrees. Jack helped me find the number 375 on the oven. Each of us took a turn measuring an ingredient. After each addition, we stirred. It takes a lot of stirring for children to get it all mixed, so stirring after each addition is very helpful. Besides, stirring was the most fun part for them. : )

The recipe said to roll the dough into balls. Maggie couldn’t use her hands well enough to do this, even with help, and Jack was totally disinterested. They took a break in the living room while I rolled the balls. However, they loved rolling them in sugar and putting them on the pan.

We learned to read the recipe and figure out what went into cookies, as well as lots of counting as we determined how many spoons and cups, we needed. They heard new words. The children liked being able to figure out which ingredient was next. It was more fun than having Grandma say, “OK, now we need flour.”

This activity took lots of time. Because Maggie had no control of her arms and hands, there was a mess as I helped her measure and stir. I live with these grands now. They are 16 and 18. The bond we made back then is helping us navigate them being teens. The time was well spent, and the mess was worth it!

Each cookie-baking experience was different but notice that the outcome was the same. The children learned a few things and had a great time. They were pleased with the outcome because I remained pleased, even though it took lots of time, there was a mess, and things didn’t always go as planned. When we pay attention to what is sparking our kids or we use something we’re interested in to spark them, the outcome can be a fun-filled learning activity.

When we let our adult expectations go and remember that structure, consistency, and presence trump everything else, we will have powerful activities, even if they don’t go as planned. Those neighbor kids are still connected with me, and it’s been over thirteen years since we lived in the same town. My grands, who now live in the same home as I do, come to me for help with all kinds of things because they trust me, know I care, and I love them. So, take the time to structure family activities, be consistent, and be present. Then use Sparks, yours, or theirs.

You will see a strong connection grow that will last.

How to Determine a Successful Activity – Story 1

In the article published on Oct. 13, I told you I LOVE using sparks and that in the coming months, I would share experiences I have had with them that can Spark you with bonding activities for your family.

As promised, here is a spark I followed with two groups of children. However, I want you to notice something else as important as following a spark or igniting one. Often, we let our expectations get in the way of learning and fun. As I said in my book, Becoming A Present Parent, “Keep expectations from getting in the way of enjoying your family…Keep the perfect from becoming the enemy of the good. The point is not what you teach, or how well it looks, but being together while you’re Present.”

Because this article would have been excessively long with both experiences, I have created two articles. Each tells one story, and next week I will tie them together.

Story 1

I befriended a woman in my neighborhood with three daughters and a live-in nephew. The children and I became buddies. I took them to church, visited often, and we had a weekly activity night. They loved it, and I learned things about working with children as we played together.

When I moved away, I stayed connected with the family. Eventually, we were on social media together. They hadn’t forgotten the bond we forged when they were little. In the last couple of years, I have made a graduation cake for Kyle and a quinceañera cake for Daniela.

At the time this activity took place, the kids had been begging to make cookies, the spark. Because these little guys were 7, 4, 4, and 2 and could be a handful, I had been putting it off. Fortunately, I didn’t wait long enough for the spark to die.

During the cookie activity, nothing went as planned. The kids began fighting from the get-go. I sat them down and told them the few rules I have when I cook – no fighting, take turns, and don’t criticize each other. They didn’t hear a word I said, and as we began again, the fighting renewed. I retired to the living room, and as I went, I said, “Call me when you’re ready to cook.” After a good five minutes, they saw I was serious about the fighting and came and got me.

We talked about measuring ingredients – how many ½’s are needed for one cup, etc. We talked about teaspoons and tablespoons. They began measuring, as I reminded them frequently that they were in charge of themselves and not each other. We learned about baking and how to work as a team and get along. : )

By the time we finished, the two-year-old had tasted the shortening, one of the 4-year-olds had been in the flour to her elbow, oatmeal was all over the table, and the other 4-year-old was eating the sugar. Patience! I mentally reminded myself that kids and adults don’t think alike and that fun and learning were the objects here.

Eventually, we rolled balls of dough and flattened them on the pan, except for one of the 4-year-olds. She was creating sculptures. I eventually parceled her dough to everyone else so we could finish baking them. She was not a happy camper.

While the first batch was in the oven, they all deserted me for the living room and their mom, who had company. As I cleaned up the gigantic mess, I kept repeating, “Kids and adults don’t think alike, and it is OK. Kids aren’t concerned with the outcome; the experience is what counts. Adults feel frustrated when they enter a project with adult expectations, and it doesn’t meet those expectations. What kids really want is your time and to know you cared enough to plan.” I felt the frustration going down.

When the first batch finished baking, the kids were back in the kitchen, ready to take them off the pan. Very few made it off in one piece. By the time they were all baked, we had a plate of large crumbs and a kitchen full of happy children. We sang a bunch of songs and ate the crumbs, which they were delighted with. They were excited about the next activity. It was going to be Play-Doh! Yup, the spark I saw as we rolled the cookie balls.

They had tons of messy fun, learned a few things about measuring cups and spoons, and how to work as a team, and felt our bond increase.

The fact that we stuck with the project made it a success for them.

Tune in next week and I will share story 2 and tie them together for you – how can you tell if an activity is successful? : )

Solidify Family Relationships with Structure, Consistency, and Presence

Thirteen years ago, I had a wonderful evening with my eight-year-old friend, Hailey. It was successful because time had been set apart for the activity, it happened consistently so Hailey could count on it, and I was present. When we want to solidify relationships in our family these three ingredients make all the difference. I was 61 when I had this experience. Hailey was eight.

Here is the story.

In 2011, every Monday, for nine months, three young girls came to my home and spent the evening. Their mother was a busy nursing student, and I was helping her out. I read the girls a couple of chapters from a classic, while they did quiet activities on the floor, surrounded by a pile of pillows. Then we had a snack, whatever I had on hand, nothing fancy, and I read them the scriptures. We shared the same faith. That’s pretty much it, no bells, and whistles. It was a quiet and unhurried evening enjoying each other’s company. You wouldn’t think three children under twelve would find this enticing, but they did. They looked forward to it.

Sometimes their mom would forget because she had an online test or something like that. Her girls would scold her because they counted on coming over. On the night I am sharing, Vicky had a final and had forgotten to tell me or her girls. It wouldn’t have been a problem but Hailey, who lived downstairs and was in school with one of Vicky’s girls, had begun joining us. She had come twice. I thought both times that she would get bored and not come anymore, but she kept coming.

On this Monday night Hailey was at my door at 6:30 – “Are you having it tonight?” “Yes, we are. I talked to the girls yesterday and we are on. I will send one of them to get you at about 7:30”.

At 7:35 Hailey was at my door again. “Did they come?” “Gosh, it is time. I don’t know where they are. Let’s give them a call and see.” As I said, Vicky was taking a final and forgot. I looked at Haley and her disappointed face. I had been shampooing my carpets all day preparing for a parenting event in my home on Saturday. I wasn’t sorry to have the night off. I had a lot to do! Then I looked again at Hailey’s disappointed face.

“Well Hailey, they aren’t coming so let’s have an evening ourselves.” She enthusiastically nodded her head. We sat at the table and made paper Christmas chains. I thought as soon as we ran out of strips she would head home. While we worked, we talked about school, her friends, and the upcoming Christmas holiday. Actually, I listened and Hailey talked. : ) Then she said, “Well, aren’t you going to read?”

I read and we talked about the story, what was happening, and what we thought about it. Then she asked if we were going to read the scriptures. She knew right where we had left off. We ate Jordan almonds I had in the cupboard. I kept thinking she would get bored any time and want to go home. After all, I was 61 and the other girls weren’t there. She never did!

Let me reiterate the point of sharing this long-ago story.

Children, in fact, families, need structured together time, that happens consistently, where the adults are present.

Children like and need structure. And by the way, so do teens, even if they complain! They want to be able to count on family time. They want it to be consistent. They want you, your presence. That drew Hailey to my door, the structure of something she could look forward to, the consistency of having it happen, and me, listening, hearing, and responding. It was an evening I am glad I didn’t miss.

Create structured time for your family and then be consistent. Give your children something to count on. Maybe you can have a family activity night once a week or every other week. Possibly it’s a Sunday drive you take together. It might be your weekly family council. What about a game of football in the backyard on Saturday mornings? Maybe it’s skating or biking and occurs once a month. Possibly you go to the movie every other month. What and how often isn’t what matters. What matters is that it’s structured, happens consistently, and you are there, both body and spirit.

Don’t let school, work, or carpet cleaning come between you and getting to know and enjoy your children. Make a plan that can be counted on, then be present and solidify your most important relationships.

When your children are grown you will be glad you made the effort!

Why Not Have Some Fun Learning? It is Possible. Part 2

Two weeks ago, I shared a few examples of how useful and fun seeing and responding to your children’s Sparks can be. I explained sparks and how they can help you and your kids connect.

Last week I illustrated how you can Spark your kids and give them interesting and fun opportunities for learning. This week is more of the same. : )

I have written about sparks, kids, and the connection between the two for almost fifteen years. I’ve watched for and used sparks with my grands all that time.

When I switched from the homeschool community to the broader parenting community, I didn’t share this information as often. However, I LOVE using sparks and in the coming weeks, I will share more because the better you are at seeing your kids sparks and sparking them, the more fun, learning, and connection you will have in your home. It’s important to remember that what we think of as play can be, and is, learning for children and sometimes teens. : )

Last week I talked about doing a treasure hunt of my home and shared two activities we did from what I found in my kitchen. Today’s ideas are also from that kitchen list.

The first item on the kitchen list was cornstarch. I’ve used this medium with children for over 45 years. My kids, who are adults, LOVE this activity when we get together. We all pretend it’s for their kids, but we know the truth. LOL Unfortunately, when my children were small, I didn’t understand that learning could accompany fun. I didn’t know why cornstarch behaves the way it does, and the internet didn’t exist. Gaining information was more challenging. Now, the good Spark-seeing person I have become does internet sleuthing and you can too.

Corn Starch Quicksand, a Non-Newtonian Fluid. : )

Mix a box of cornstarch with water. When you mix cornstarch and water you want it to have the consistency of honey. One box of cornstarch takes approximately 1 to 2 cups of water. You will have to work a bit to get the consistency right.

When mixed you can teach your kids a few things. Have them sink their hands into the bowl of “cornstarch quicksand” and notice its unusual consistency. Compare what it feels like to move your hand around slowly and quickly. You can’t move your hand very fast! The faster you move your hand, the more solid the cornstarch becomes.

Sink your entire hand into the goo and try to grab the fluid and pull it up. That’s the sensation of sinking in quicksand! Skim your finger on top of the cornstarch mixture. What do you notice? Grab a fist full and squeeze. What happens? Release the pressure on the concoction in your hand. Now what happens? Roll the fluid between your palms to make a ball.

The cornstarch and water mixture acts like both a solid and a liquid. This concoction is an example of a suspension – a mixture of two substances, one of which is finely divided and dispersed in the other. In the case of the cornstarch quicksand, it’s a solid, cornstarch, dispersed in a liquid, water.

Viscosity is how easily a liquid will flow. Water and honey are both liquids, but they flow differently. Sir Isaac Newton said that viscosity is a function of temperature. If you heat honey, it flows better than when it’s cold. The cornstarch and water mixture is an example of a non-Newtonian fluid because the viscosity changes when force is applied, not when heat is applied. Don’t you feel smart now? LOL

How To Use This Project With Your Family

Let’s say you have children ages, 2, 5, 9, and 15. Put a box of cornstarch unopened in a bowl. Put an index card with a link for information in the bowl. Place a children’s book about Sir Isaac Newton next to the bowl. Add a book on quicksand or swamps. Have a bag of small plastic animals, including those that live in swampy areas. Provide the recipe for how to make “cornstarch quicksand”.

When your family gathers for the activity, someone may ask “Mom what is this”? The best answer is “Cornstarch, check it out”. Then wait! Let them look at the recipe. Some will grab the books. Explain that they are going to make some cornstarch quicksand. Direct them when they need help. Let them experiment with it. Don’t stress over the outcome. Have fun.

When you are done making a delightful mess with the cornstarch, they may look at the books, ask you to read them, or not be interested till the next day, when they find them on the coffee table. Share your thoughts right then or have a dinner conversation later. You have been a student yourself and so when they ask you why or how it does what it does you can share what you have learned, or you can take them on a journey and help them discover the answers.

Have a conversation. Let it go where it goes without a preplanned agenda. They may want to take the cornstarch to the sandbox and make a swamp with plants and animals. Let them. (Add a few drops of food color for more fun)

While the older kids are making quicksand and experimenting with it, pour some liquid cornstarch on the table and let your 2-year-old and 5-year-old play. Because of the viscosity issue, you can add a spoon, plastic knife, fork, etc. because they can be used to harden the mixture.

For another family activity use pudding or a cookie recipe. As before, play, and don’t forget to lick your fingers. Talk about why the pudding doesn’t act like the cornstarch. It is, after all a more Newtonian fluid.

Another time make cornstarch play dough or use pre-made play dough depending on the ages and interests of your children. See the recipes below. On the website you will find recipes.

Clean-up Is Easy

Cornstarch dries and can be vacuumed up like any powder and if some is left take a damp cloth to it. The cornstarch and water will separate so don’t pour it in your sink, as it can cause a clog. If saved for later play, put it into a zip lock bag. That’s also how to dispose of it. When using pudding and some of the other ideas prepare for some mess. As you know, sparks are usually the thing that is bugging you or making a mess. LOL There are many ways to use cornstarch over a few days, weeks, or months.

More Cornstarch Uses For Interest and Fun.

1. You can let children sprinkle cornstarch all over the carpets. For easy sprinkling pour
the cornstarch into an old parmesan cheese container or a large spice shaker. Let it sit
for thirty minutes while you read a story to them and then let them help vacuum it up.
They will have fun and you will have fresh-smelling carpets.
2. If you have a dog your kids will love this. Use the same shakers. Let the kids sprinkle
Fido and then brush it out for a fresh-smelling pooch.
3. Mix it with water for glue.
4. Make finger paint by boiling ¼ c. cornstarch in 2 cups of water. Add a few drops of food
color. Cool.
5. Make face paint by mixing 2 parts cornstarch with one part vegetable shortening and then
add some food color. Get a book on face painting from the library. You could also add a
book on the History of Clowns with great pictures. Maybe you can find someone in your area
who is a part-time clown or juggler and invite them to your home to share with your
children. When my son was eleven, he took clowning lessons from a neighbor and did
little shows at nursing homes. He learned to juggle and had a ball.

Can you see how much fun your children will have learning about a new substance, all from utilizing a spark that you light a fire under? So, treasure hunt your house. You may find a spark worth lighting for exceptional family fun.

RECIPES

Cornstarch Playdough
2 c. white flour
1 c. salt
½ c. cornstarch
1 Tb. Alum
1 Tb. Oil
2 c. colored water

Put all dry ingredients in a large pan and stir together well. Add all liquid ingredients and stir well. Place on low heat stirring constantly until it looks like clay. You will be able to tell. Take it out of the pan and knead. Keep the playdough in a closed container. Alum is a must-have ingredient. Buy it in any grocery store in the spice aisle. It is a drying agent and keeps the dough from becoming sticky. This will keep a long time if kept in an air-tight container. You can use baby oil, cooking oil, or glycerin. Eventually, the cooking oil will go rancid but usually, the clay has been played into oblivion long before that. Baby oil will scent the clay.

Edible Playdough
1 ¼ c. dry powdered milk
1 c. peanut butter
1 c. cornstarch
1 ¼ c. powdered sugar

Mix dry milk and peanut butter. Add sugar and cornstarch. Knead till smooth.
Store in an airtight container until all gone, and that shouldn’t take too many days!

Mexican Wedding Cookies
1 ½ c. cornstarch
1 ½ c. powdered sugar
3 c. flour
3 sticks of butter, softened
½ to 1 c. finely chopped walnuts or pecans

Mix ingredients. I use my hands as that works best. This is right up your child’s alley! The dough will appear to be dry and crumbly sometimes. Just remember the cool aspects of cornstarch. Take some in your hand, squeeze, and press it until you have a ball about the size of a walnut. Place it on a cookie sheet and bake at 400 degrees for 10-12 minutes. Roll warm cookies in powdered sugar. Let them cool just enough so they don’t fall apart. These are very tender cookies when they are hot. This is one of my favorite cookies!

One thing we don’t do enough is play as a family.
As you learn to utilize Sparks they will help you create family fun.

Why Not Have Some Fun While Learning? It is Possible. Part 1

Last week I shared a few examples of how useful and fun seeing and responding to your children’s Sparks can be.

Let’s quickly review what a Spark is.

What Is a Spark

A Spark is anything that a child says or does that lets you know they’re interested in something right now.

But to engage our kids and help them learn new things we don’t need to wait for their Sparks. When it comes to learning, we can spark them and then watch a fire of interest take hold. It’s a fine way to engage as a family and to show our children that learning can be fun.

As a reminder, we see Sparks best when we’re Present with our kids. Being Present is hard to do when we’re stuck in family management or technology.

In 2020, during COVID-19, school resumed in August for two days a week. Some online school happened but this left a lot of unstructured time. It was difficult for parents and children. I wrote an article about The Spark Station, a tool I had taught to homeschool families years before. The article illustrated how getting kids interested in learning something new would work for any parent, regardless of how their children were educated. At the time, the Spark Station was a closet shelf or container with interesting items inside.

After that article, time passed and the Spark Station grew to include the whole house, not just a closet shelf. I showed parents how to treasure hunt their homes because our homes are filled with items that interest children. With a bit of thought and new eyes, as you tour each room in your home, you will see what you haven’t seen before. That knowledge prepares you for cool family nights and a child’s boring Saturday afternoon.

With only what you find in your home, you can give your children experiences that teach them that learning doesn’t need to be boring but can happen in fun and exciting ways, anywhere. This is useful for children to experience and internalize so they won’t become stagnant in their desire to learn as they become busy adults.

When I did a treasure hunt of my home, I found exciting items in my kitchen. I used them with my grands and we had a ball connecting and learning together.

From My Kitchen List

As I opened every cupboard and closet, I noticed items I had seen used in interesting ways and I wrote them on my list. The fourth item was assorted macaroni, peas, dried beans, and lentils. I had helped my children create wonderful collages and works of art back in the day. The collage photo at the top of this article was created by my youngest daughter Kate when she was a pre-teen. Yes, she was that old. She spent a lot of time on it. This piece hangs in my kitchen today and is over twenty years old. It often surprises me what a preteen or teen will engage in when it’s part of a family event. A few years ago, we did this activity at our family reunion. You would have been surprised to see how many children, youth, and adults became involved.

A collage could include newspaper clippings, ribbon, bits of colored paper, portions of other artwork, photographs, a piece of moss, and other found objects, glued to a piece of paper or canvas. Here is how the learning part works: While everyone is engaged you share information like this – You know, a collage is a work of formal art, made by assembling different things to create something new. You could then show some works of art by famous people on your computer or phone. Here are some artists that have done collages; Pablo Picasso, Georges Braque, Juan Gris, Henri Matisse, and Cecil Touchon.

When I googled “children’s collages” a magnificent array of great work by children came up. It would be worth printing some in color to show your children what wonderful things they could make.

Remember the admonition to let children “do”. We are often invested in how it looks when finished so we help our kids too much. We want the pictures on the walls so that they are aesthetically pleasing. Your child may not care about that. Maybe they want it at their eye level or in an odd place. If it is in their room, why not let that go? Are you interested in being in “House Beautiful” or allowing your children to think, decide, and experience, in other words, learn?

More Items On My Kitchen List

The second and third items on my kitchen list were soda and vinegar. Most of you have probably seen or heard of making a volcano by mixing soda and vinegar. One family I know made a wonderful bubbling swamp. They had a great time but when the kids asked why it did what it did no one was prepared to answer. Parents need to be students too. You can find information on just about anything on the internet.

If part of our purpose in family activities is to engender learning while having fun, then we need to be able to answer questions or lead our kids to find the answers for themselves. If we’re in a project and there aren’t any questions, we can engage in conversation. Ask questions – Do you know what I discovered…Can you believe…How do you think that happened…What do you think would happen if…and so forth. That’s why we need to stay present; that is what makes a family activity a learning activity.

I helped some of my grands make a volcano and I had to do some homework, so I knew what caused the reaction. I was able to give them interesting bits of information. Not only was the project fun, but they also liked knowing the whys.

If this activity Sparks one of your children, there are other ways that you can see this chemical reaction happen. You can help them chase their new spark.

1. Vinegar & Baking Soda Foam Fight
2. Build a Volcano
3. Propelling a Rocket
4. Make a Bubble Bomb

In the volcano project, as an example, we could increase learning by having a book on Pompeii handy, maybe some pictures and articles on the Mount St. Helens eruption, or the eruption in Iceland in 2010.

If you have older children, they might be interested in seeing a Periodic Table. Help them write out what the chemical reaction would look like using the table. I couldn’t remember what the Periodic Table was called so I typed “chemistry chart” in the search bar and voila! Let me also say that I never took chemistry, but that didn’t stop me from introducing my grands to it. I can learn what I need via the Internet!

Do you see how a few simple items and a bit of thought and time can give your children opportunities for wonder, fun, and learning?

This photo is of my grands making their volcano on the patio. Their ages ranged from four to around nine. However, I also helped a grand over twelve do something similar for a school project and another for a science fair event. Age isn’t the indicator of whether children or youth will engage. It’s more about who is joining them, the level of Presence of the adults involved, and fun in the learning.

Use your family time or a boring Saturday afternoon to help your children experience the joy of learning by responding to or creating a Spark.

It will pay dividends in their adult lives.

Listening and Responding to Children and Their Sparks

My hairdresser, Emily, works out of her home. Most of the kids are in school but she has one little guy who is four and still at home during the day. We have fun conversations.

The last time I was there he brought me two green balloons which he held close together in his hands. He asked me if I knew what they were. I said, “Sure, they’re green balloons.” He laughed and replied, “No they are butt cheeks.” His mom was a bit mortified, but I grinned and told her about a friend of mine and her experience with the whole poop, snot, blood, and butt cheeks thing.

Hana had heard me speak about Sparks and remembered that when we recognize them, we teach, bond, and are Present with our kids, rather than frustrated, embarrassed, or angry at whatever they are doing. Here is the fun email I received from Hana years ago when her boys were still small.

Hi MaryAnn, I just picked up my five books at the library last night. One of the books I picked up is about the human body and burps (lol! yes, two boys in my family) and I was following a spark! Their obsession with bodily functions is hilarious and they are wondering why these things happen! What fun! (funny! is more like it!) Anyways, I will keep you posted! Thanks so much for your wisdom…really and truly. Luvs, Hana

As time went on Hana shared with me what recognizing this spark accomplished in her home with her sons.

She returned to the library and checked out all the interesting books she found on urine, blood, gas, snot, etc.
For a month, her boys were deeply interested and pored over the books with her and with each other.
They talked with her and her husband. They wanted to know how their bodies worked.
They had interesting dinner conversations. LOL
They drew bodies and tracked bodily functions in them. How does a burp go from the top of you to the bottom of you?

When our kids are burping, most of us say, “Stop that, it’s rude,” because we are in a box, so to speak. We can only see the need to teach manners and help our kids not be rude. But once we begin to see differently, we say to ourselves, “Oh my gosh, this is a terrific opportunity.” Isn’t that what you’re looking for as a parent, an opportunity to have joy with your children and to connect with them in fun and interesting ways?

When I told Emily about Hana and her boys she said, “Man, that’s what I need.” LOL I am sure it will help her deal with the green butt cheeks. Gotta love kids!

I have written, spoken, and taught this concept of Sparks to hundreds of parents. Today, I want to review two other enlightening and very different Spark experiences that my friend Leah had with her children. Before going there, let me answer the question, what is a spark?

A Spark is anything a child says or does that lets you know they’re interested in something right now. Often they are the things that bug us or make a mess. : )

EXPERIENCE 1

Leah had dug some dirt in her yard to plant flowers. Before she could get that done the family took a short trip. When they got home, her kids discovered the dirt. They began to play in this spot daily and called it the water game.

They made mud, built cities, created a mine, dug for artifacts, and had a blast all summer. Eventually, there was a four-foot hole in their front yard. You and I might have had a fit and put a stop to all the messy foolishness, but Leah had learned a lot about Presence and Sparks. She went with the flow.

At dinner, they would talk about the water game and all they had done and learned during the day. Mom, Dad, and neighbors would come out and ask what was happening, and the children and their friends were happy to share.

Leah’s family had amazing Present moments together in a situation that could have created serious contention. Instead, the parents saw a Spark and used it to have mini-conversations and a lot of fun with their kids. They valued the relationship over a perfect front yard.

Here’s what Leah had to say:

“I’m so grateful for the shift in my thought process or I would have missed out on an incredibly magical summer (and fall). Now I have a hole so deep they can stand in it to their chests. The crater in my yard will last a few months whereas the memories will last forever.”

STORY 2

Leah had another advantageous Spark moment with her oldest son. He was eight at the time. Miles was in love with rocks and left them all over the house. They were in the dryer, on the floor, in his pockets, everywhere. It was very annoying and frustrating and had become a point of contention between mother and son.

One day Leah realized this was a Spark and an opportunity to get Present with Miles. She asked him, “Miles will you tell me all about your rocks?” He did for the next hour. Leah, like you, had a million other things to do, but she cleared her mind and actively listened.

Later, she helped Miles design a simple system for displaying his precious rocks. The result was that Miles, Leah, and the whole family had many activities and conversations in the following year, all based on Miles’s love of rocks. It was fun and afforded his parents many opportunities to be Present and enjoy their children.

As you can see knowing what interests your kids now, what is sparking them, is powerful!

Here is quick review of how to see and respond to your children’s Sparks.

HOW TO SEE SPARKS

A. Be Present. Do you want to know the number one way to see and hear your child’s Sparks? BE PRESENT. When we’re Present in all the mundane moments of a family’s day, we will see and hear what we’ve missed up until now.

It’s hard to see a Spark if your head is filled with another agenda or you’re totally engrossed in your technology. It’s hard to see if you’re trying to avoid becoming involved or prevent a mess.

You can’t see if you’re so busy working that the Spark appears to be an irritation or problem.

B. Ask good questions. You can jump-start your ability to see your children’s Sparks by asking yourself questions:

What activity do you have to make them stop doing to get them to eat or go to sleep?
What activity are they doing when they seem most engaged and alive?
When they choose what to do on a free afternoon, what activity do they choose?
What did they love to do when they were three years old? Five years old?
What are they currently doing that bugs you?
What do they do that’s making a mess?
What do they collect?

C. Have mini-conversations.

Share your Sparks and they may share theirs
Say “You’re very good at this…”
Say “You seem interested in this…”
Say “This appears to make you happy/excited…”
Ask “Have you ever thought of….”
Say “I had a great day today…”
At dinner ask, “What was the best part of your day?” and have each person share

Notice what comes up over and over again in their answers and their conversations. Pay attention to what interests your children even if it doesn’t interest you. When you do it bonds your family, strengthens your relationships, assists in great conversations and family activities, and helps your kids learn.

So, pay attention. What is sparking your child right now?

An Enlightening Response to ‘Are You Afraid to Read Hard Books?’

On March 3, 2024, I published an article titled Are You Afraid to Read Hard Books? While preparing today’s article I reread it and thought, “How did you write this.” Go ahead and laugh. It happens all the time. But when you feel passionate about something, thoughts and words come. It is an amazing thing.

This is one reason I encourage people to journal. I have reread things in my journal that blew my mind. Not only because they may have been well written, but the things that have happened in my life have been astonishing, when looked at later. But I digress. LOL

After that article was published, I got a wonderful email from one of my readers, who is also a dear friend. We have counseled together in the past and I appreciate her so much.

I get emails regularly telling me how good an article was or how helpful it was to the reader. This email contained some of that. What struck me though was another thing that happens now and then. Someone takes what I have written, and they build upon it! This is massively motivating for me.

I asked Joy if I could share her thoughts with you because what she has done with family reading is magnificent. I think that some of you will want to follow suit, in some fashion.

I have written several articles on the value of family reading. I read to my children, but I lacked consistency back then. Nevertheless, one of my adult daughters said one of her fondest memories was of me reading to our family.

What I love about Joy’s take on family reading, it encourages everyone to read, not just listen.

Here is her email:

Mary Ann, thanks for emphasizing the importance and power of communicating with others about what you’re reading. We discuss this all the time in Leadership Education circles–the importance of discussion and good mentoring for great literature, like the kind you were talking about. This is demonstrated in your examples of how discussing those books with other people changed your experience.

Another great way to gain more from what we read is to process it through writing. (You demonstrate this principle very well too!) As you mentioned, we can write notes and underline in our books, but we can also journal and write essays or blog posts that we can share with others. It’s another way of processing and internalizing the principles and lessons we learn in the books we read. This tool applies to reading scriptures as well. When we process and record our thoughts, questions, and insights through writing, we learn more and internalize and remember it better!

Audrey Rindlisbacher has a great podcast about the power of book clubs, or discussion groups, like the one Benjamin Franklin organized. I shared it with my grown children, and it inspired many of them to join me in starting an online family book club where we discuss a book about once a month. Our first book was the Screwtape Letters, and our discussion was great and I’m excited to see how well we can keep it up. I can’t think of many things better than discussing great books with my family! Joy Petty

It never occurred to me to have a family book club. I mean, that is an outstanding idea. At first, I thought, “Oh man, our family would never do that.” Then I chastised myself for jumping to that conclusion and reached out to my children to see if there was any interest. I probably won’t have many responses before this article is published, but we will see.

Maybe you, like me, dismiss the whole idea. But don’t. If you have teens or grown children, ask them if they would like to read a book individually or as a family and discuss it. At the very least begin reading together, even if you do the reading.

Depending on the ages of your children, you can read to them or each person in your family can take a turn reading. At the end of each session ask for input. I didn’t do that, and I know now that it would have made the reading I did with my children even more powerful.

If you have older teens and adult children why not explore the option of a family book club? Who knows, it may be a big hit. Even if it only lasts through one or two books, and that could happen, the whole experience will bond you even more as a family.

And by the way, when you read and study yourself, you will be a powerful example for your family. It will have an impact. If not now, then in the future.

Now for the postscript:

After I asked Joy if I could share this email and she consented, we talked some more. I replied to Joy and shared my concerns about a book club and why I read to my husband and Mom rather than us all reading.

“This was so awesome. Can I share it in a newsletter? Great thoughts and I love that you have begun a family book club. I wish that were possible in my family. Lots of kids who do not read, mostly boys and my husband. I read to him, but it can’t be too deep, or he sleeps. LOL Anyway, I would love to share your thoughts.”

Joy replied with this, and it was so heartening. I suspect that is one reason I contacted my family to see what they think. : )

“I have several kids who don’t (or won’t) read either :-). We’re encouraging them to listen to the audiobook so they can participate. The book club is totally voluntary, and fewer than half of my 10 kids participated in our first discussion, but that’s okay. It’s a start, right? :-)”

Joy is correct, it is a start. Even if it doesn’t last for months or years, it will bless her family. If we make the effort to read in our family, in some fashion, it will bless our families too. I have seen this happen in my choppy, inconsistent past in my family.

I know it is true. : )

Why Take a Technology Break and Is It Even Possible?

In our world, we’re so used to having technology always with us that it’s challenging to be without it for even a short time. Technology, as wonderful as it is, can be a two-edged sword.

I have written several articles on using, abusing, and letting go of technology. I have experimented with this myself. A recent email I received has me thinking about it again.

Before I share the email, I want to share some of my experiences with technology, managing it, and not being managed by it. This has required that I commit to taking technology breaks.

When I suggest technology breaks, I realize the difficulty I am asking. The younger you are, the more difficult it seems, because you grew up with it. It came to me later in life. Nevertheless, it hasn’t been easy to learn to manage technology and take breaks. But because of my own experience and witnessing that of others, I know that when people take technology breaks, they feel more in control and rested. They remain more attentive to their children. They are less prone to angry responses. Parenting, running a business, or caregiving for others all require focus and presence. We need to pay attention and technology can distract us from what matters most.

I dislike getting behind, so daily I check and clean my email. I quickly go through my Instagram and Facebook messages when I make my daily post. I don’t scroll unless I am waiting in a doctor’s office, I don’t have the time. But I, like all of you, must manage myself very carefully. It’s easy to get caught up in scrolling, game-playing, texting, etc. Taking an occasional break from my phone, the computer, television, etc. helps me not give up too much time to technology, especially social media.

Another thing that can be hard when taking technology breaks is the feeling that you’ll miss something or be out of the loop. This isn’t as hard for me now as when I was teaching and speaking before my caregiving days. Whew, it was tough. What if someone wanted me to come and speak? What if a mentee reached out? What if a question was asked about an article I had published? I didn’t want to miss anything. But I made myself do the hard thing and took breaks.

Some years ago, after beginning the caregiving phase of my life, I put technology away on Sunday, except for studying the scriptures, journaling, writing letters, and checking in with family and friends. No budgeting, writing articles or posts, no posting, no Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. No googling for information that would help with doctors’ appointments, etc.

Caregiving is challenging, and frankly, I needed rest, and technology for all its promises doesn’t give you that. It is only a distraction that stops you from nurturing yourself and others in ways that matter. I chose Sunday because it was a day where there wouldn’t be constant interruptions, appointments, driving kids to school, shopping, and so forth. I would be home most of the time without appointments and commitments. It seemed to be a fairly easy day to lay my technology down.

Honestly, I confess I have fallen off that wagon a bit. I still don’t post, write articles, or google for information on this one day, but I have worked on my budget. I have determined to return to my original decision and only participate in technology that helps me keep the Sabbath as a rest and service day. On Sundays when I break my commitment it isn’t as restful and peaceful.

When you have been on both sides of a fence you can make informed decisions because you know what it feels like on either side. I know that my Sundays are more restful, peaceful, and enjoyable when I keep my commitment and put my technology away.

I mentored a family that took a month off from all technology, even the parents, once a year. Courtney told me, “It isn’t the kids who struggle the most, it’s the parents. They really do have to commit.” She said the hard part for her was at lunch. She usually had lunch when the big kids were at school and her little one was napping. She liked to read Facebook, watch a show, catch up on the news, whatever, as she ate lunch. It was a challenge to read or call a friend instead.

It was also challenging for her and her husband when everyone was in bed. They usually vegged out in front of the TV, just the two of them but it’s their screen-free month. She told me they have learned to play games together or read to each other. It’s become fun.

The one adult caveat she shared was, that they occasionally check email, pay bills online, or prepare church lessons. Just no screens (phone, computer, TV) for entertainment purposes.

I was mentoring a mom challenged to stay on top of her home and spend time with her children. As we talked it became clear that technology – phone, social media, gaming, computer, television – was an issue. I invited her to track her tech use for one week.

On our next call, she was appalled at the results. She hadn’t realized how much time she spent on her phone or saying to her children, “Wait a minute.” because she was in the middle of a game.

It wasn’t easy but she began working on parameters for herself and her family. Over time it made a BIG difference in her ability to manage all a mother must juggle.

As I said earlier, I am revisiting this topic because of an email I received from my sister. She lost her phone and was phoneless for a week. Imagine. No surfing. No talking to anyone. No ring tones. No disruptions with notification pings. Oh man, how would you do in that situation? Would this make you afraid? LOL

I will let her email speak for itself.

“Still off the grid. Good morning, MaryAnn. My Phone should be ready for pickup, today. It has been a glorious week of no unnecessary obligations, and definite adjustments, both emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.

Being ‘forced off the grid,’ opened a plethora of unrealized options for the use of my Time:

Enjoying early, early Mornings
Rethinking Priorities

Addressing Relationships of all types:

Myself
Food
Money
Jesus
Daryl (her husband)
Scripture Study
Research
Journaling
Quiet
Nature

It has been delicious but required adjusting my Mindset.”

A technology break can be as simple as putting all phones on mute during dinner. It can be as challenging as taking off a day a week or a month a year. Wherever you are, pick a place and begin. Do a test run and see how it feels.

When you are brave enough to set limits for your tech use, however much or little you commit to, I am sure you will find what I have learned, what my mentee found, what Courtney experienced, and what my sister discovered. There are benefits to taking control of when and how you use technology.

Being an example to your kids of how to manage technology and not be managed by it sets them up for the future when they need a break.

Take control of your technology use. Take breaks. Give yourself a rest.

You and your family will be glad you did.

Sometimes You Get Blind!

Early this spring Jodie was taking a short trip. She hauled the suitcase out of the garage so she could pack. Later, she asked me if I had seen it. No, I hadn’t but I went upstairs to help her look. We searched everywhere and then lo and behold we saw it! It was leaning up against the wall by the front door, in direct sight. It wasn’t hidden by anything. We weren’t looking for the obvious, I guess.

Later, I dropped a package of bread I was getting out of the freezer. I finished getting what I needed and then looked for the bread. It wasn’t on top of the chest freezer or the workbench, which is next to the stand-up freezer. I looked high and low. It couldn’t be high, but I couldn’t find it and was trying to cover all the bases. I went out to the freezer a few hours later to get something and there was the loaf of bread. It had been behind me the whole time! Sometimes you get blind!

I’ve talked about this in the past, concerning weeding, a simple thing that can cause so much personal frustration. There you are, on your hands and knees or walking down a row with the hoe. You are positive you got every weed. But as you walk back to where you began you see a stray weed here and there. What! How does that happen? Sometimes you get blind!

This type of blindness happens when we’re working on relationships, teaching our children, managing our home, figuring out how to use time more wisely, getting better systems in place so life flows more smoothly, using money wisely, healing ourselves, etc.

Experience has taught me that no matter how invested we are, we can’t always see what is right in front of us. Sometimes we are blind. There are reasons for this: preconceived ideas, weariness, our bucket is empty, feeling that the issue is too big, maybe we aren’t smart enough, we lack helpful resources, and others.

I have also learned that if we stay calm, and don’t get upset with ourselves because we can’t always see the solution, we will have a better outcome as we troubleshoot. The temptation is to be frustrated or angry with ourselves or others.

A more effective way to approach whatever is causing an issue is to make it a matter of careful thought and prayer, and then seek needed information for greater understanding. When we choose to remain calm, give ourselves grace, and move forward one step at a time, we can usually begin to see what we couldn’t see before. But blessed are your eyes, for they see…Matthew 13: 16

When we have a challenge with a child, a relationship, our home management, ourselves, etc., and are looking for a solution there are things we can do to see more clearly, to get more focus and greater light. Begin by being aware of what keeps you blind, making it difficult to see solutions.

Here are 8 tips for greater daily awareness to see more clearly.

1. Be in a good place yourself. How does a busy parent do that? Here are ways I keep myself in a good place so that when faced with a challenge I can think more clearly and find solutions.

a. Set an intention for the day – What helps me to be in a better place when I wake up each morning is to have a plan, an intention, for why I am getting up. How will I begin the day? Do you have a morning routine? I do and it helps.
b. Eat right – Don’t eat the crust of your child’s sandwich because you are on the run. Sit down. Put your food on a plate. Rest as you chew. This is something I have had to force myself to do but it pays dividends. Think carefully about what you want to fuel your body with. I know from experience that when we take control of how, when, and what we eat, we manage better.
c. Sleep – I have had so much experience with this one thing! When I took control of how and when I slept, my world changed forever. If sleep is a problem, please read how I learned to take control. It will change your life.
d. Practice self-care – I have had people tell me that a shower is a necessity not self-care, but I know it can be self-care This has kept me going for over five decades. Find what works for you, that can be done daily, right where you are.
e. Seek what you need – We don’t know everything. We can’t, so there will be issues we’re not prepared to resolve. However, if you take the time to look for resources: people, classes, books, etc. you can find what will give you the first step you need. Then you look for the second step. Seek what you need, a step at a time, and don’t fret that you don’t know how to fix everything now.

2. Take responsibility for your part. Seth, my son in his fifties, and I had a falling out the other day. Ugh. I thought about it and determined to discover my part in the problem. I mean it was easy to see where he goofed. : ) After some thought it was clear. Then I pondered how best to move forward. We cleared the air a short time later. I apologized for my part, and we carried on.

Blame is always a problem and should be avoided at all costs. It prevents clear vision, eyes that see!

3. Define the issue. Get clear on what you are trying to do, improve, or fix. Keep asking “Why?” until you get to the root. Then you will be better able to make a plan to move forward.

4. Brainstorm potential solutions. I pray and ponder. What comes readily to mind? Where could you begin? What are other possibilities? Don’t make the sucker’s choice and pick what seems the only solution but feels wrong. There is always a third, fourth, or fifth possibility. I have put this to the test! Here is a video I made about avoiding the sucker’s choice and finding workable solutions.

5. Have empathy for others and yourself. Here is the definition of empathy – ‘the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.’ Empathy is the capacity to take another perspective, but more than that, it is truly caring about the person and how they feel. When you show empathy, your feelings soften and solutions come more readily.

6. Have a plan to move forward. What is the first step? In my situation with my son Seth, the first step was to go inside myself and find my part. Because he is a private person, my second step was to find a way to say I was sorry. The third step was to pray and ask for the best possible moment. It was provided when I went outside and he was working by my shed. I calmly walked up, put my hand on his shoulder, and said, “I’m sorry.” He smiled and replied, “Me too.” That was it. It was done.

7. Evaluate as you go. Not everything is as simple as resolving the situation with my son. Some things take time. As you move forward it is helpful to ask yourself questions. Is the direction working? Do I need to rethink and begin again? Am I making progress, even a small amount? If I need to change course what is another option?

8. Allow time. It takes what it takes. When I first began learning to resolve my anger issues it took ten years. I had to allow that time and not become discouraged with myself. It wasn’t always easy, but because I persevered, I made it! Now I find myself in a similar situation. As a caregiver, with lots of stress, my tone needs work. Ugh. Seven years and I am still working on it. Am I making any progress? A little and I hold out hope for even greater progress.

We all get blind. Life is filled with situations we do not know how to resolve but we can learn, grow, gain understanding, and find success, as we care for ourselves and others enough to do the work.

NEVER QUIT. There is always a solution that works.
I can promise this from experience!

Be Careful Not to Put Management Ahead of Relationship

I had a funny conversation with a single dad. We were talking about how to keep things clean and how to get our kids to clean. I noticed he wasn’t an efficient housekeeper. He felt he was doing ok, and it was ok, just not very clean. : ) This comes from someone who was a professional housekeeper for almost two decades.

Despite having a master’s degree and being a speaker and a writer, I did this work because I like cleaning, I got paid well because I am terrific, and I was my own boss and had time to write, teach, and speak. I know clean. Trust me that can be a blessing and a curse. You can’t imagine how often I have had to force myself not to offer my services to clean someone’s restroom, especially at gas stations and fast-food places. LOL

This dad told me they have a long-time family friend named Steffanie. She is a natural-born cleaner, like me. When he asked the kids to clean anything they would respond, “Dad’s clean, or Stefanie’s clean.” Gotta love kids!

Some of us have a knack for cleaning and we find it satisfying. I’ve been this way since I was a kid. Nobody had to tell me to clean my room. But what happens when your kids are not born cleaners? How do you get the chores done without breaking the relationship bank?

When I was a kid the only consequence for not doing your chores was a spanking. I got my share of those. All parents have some form of consequence that we hold over our kids to get them to do their work. This is because we not only need them to pitch in, but we also want to teach them to be responsible adults. It is our job. But again, getting it done without breaking the relationship bank is important. If we are always yelling, grounding, or spanking, well, relationships will suffer.

Can I share a truth with you that you won’t know until you get there? No matter how clean your home is, no matter how fabulous your system for chores is, some of your adult kids will be neat and tidy as taught and some won’t. I have seven adult kids and I am there. LOL Knowing this makes it easier to not blow a gasket over chores. That is helpful to me now, as I live with four teens.

Two Successful Systems We Used for Management & Relationships

My goal in this article is not to discuss different systems for getting kids to do chores. This article isn’t even about how to get kids to do chores. It’s about keeping home management and teaching in place and reinforcing good relationships at the same time. I’m going to share two things that I did that worked for a time and helped build relationships. One is truly radical. It will leave some of you speechless and others of you laughing. I’m sharing them because they illustrate the importance of relationships over home management.

1. One successful thing we did was put a card above the light fixture in each room that a child might be called upon to clean. This card itemized each thing that had to be cleaned in that room. On any given day, before you could go out to play, you had to do your assigned chore. When your chore was finished the only requirement was that you had to come and tell me personally you were finished, and I would come check it out.

If needed, I would point out the one or two things that required a bit more work or say, “Ok, have fun.” I made sure that despite my overly orderly personality, I kept my expectations age-appropriate. Please note, that this was well into my parenting. I had been required to learn to stop making chores the most important thing because, in my mind, cleanliness was at the top of the list for a time.

I loved this system because I didn’t need to yell. Now and then I would have to track someone down and remind them that their chore came before play. Then we would walk home together and have a mini-conversation on whatever we saw so things stayed calm.

One day, my pre-teen son Barry, came and told me his chore was done. He had been assigned the upstairs bathroom. I smiled and said, “OK, I’ll come and take a look.” Barry‘s face took on a thoughtful expression and he replied, “Just a minute. I’ll be back.” Then he took off up the stairs. About ten minutes later he returned and let me know he was ready for me to see his job. It was well done for a pre-teen boy. : ) I hugged him and off he went to the field to catch snakes.

This system was awesome and worked for a few years. Then we had older teens and that changed everything!

2. One of the most common chores for kids is cleaning their bedroom. There’s the weekly ritual of saying, “Go clean your room.” Then we spend the next few hours cajoling and possibly yelling to get our kids to behave responsibly and get the room cleaned. In our world, this was true with my three boys as they moved into their teens.

Here is the very unconventional thing I did.

I told my sons that they oversaw their rooms, and I wouldn’t interfere if the mess wasn’t spilling into the hall, and I couldn’t smell it. I know, crazy. Then I added, “However, every six months your room must be cleaned well. You must sort your junk, order your drawers and closet, and clean under the bed. Either you do it, or I will. There will be no argument. If you don’t want me in your room, then when I tell you we are at the 6-month mark you clean it. If you need help, I will assist you.”

“If you choose not to clean your room by the specified date, then I will. However, if I clean your room then I decide what stays and what goes, clothes, toys, games, whatever.” This worked for me because if you recall, I LOVE cleaning and am very proficient at it.

I told you this was unconventional. There had been too much arguing, consequences, many of which couldn’t be enforced, and yelling. Their rooms were very messy with dirty clothes on the floor for days or weeks, and clutter all over the place. At this point, the boys were in charge of doing their own laundry. Wash it or wear it dirty. We also had a hook in each room, and you got one towel a week. If it was left on the floor and smelled, you were out of luck. My kids knew by then, that what I said I meant, and laundry and towels were never an issue.

Clothes were shoved into drawers unfolded folded. OK, if you don’t mind wrinkles then I don’t either. They all knew how to iron and on occasion, would if it involved a girl. But for school, no way. These were the 80’s after all.

Barry and Seth left their rooms for me to clean every six months. I got rid of so much junk! I LOVED it and they couldn’t have cared less. However, Andrew always cleaned his room and did an excellent job because he didn’t want me sorting his junk. He never needed any assistance. LOL This crazy system stopped the yelling, pouting, sneaking off, and all the rest. It allowed these almost-adults to make decisions about how to manage themselves and their space.

As a very orderly person, who was an excellent cleaner, it was a challenge for me. But the upside was that I learned to be more flexible, allow others to make decisions different than mine, and to turn and walk away. These lessons came in very handy during our families’ hard years.

Most of you will not think this is a very good system but it worked for us, for a time. I am sharing it because it is just one of many systems we used throughout the years, that were designed to get the job done and keep relationships intact.

As a parent running a household, you have a million things to think about and manage. You have all the physical tasks required to maintain the home both inside and out. You have all the jobs that keep the people in your home cared for—meals, laundry, housekeeping, and chauffeuring kids from place to place. Managing all of this is a big job. However, this is the “doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it.” To be successful in your family relationships, you need to stop “doin’ it” all the time and put effort into working on your family. That’s the relationship part of the job of parenting.

I know the system I used with my teen boys was odd and wouldn’t be found in any parenting book. My two boys who let me clean their rooms are now adults. They know how to clean and organize. Barry is part owner of three businesses and Seth managed two separate businesses and created a training system for one of them. Andrew, the one who always cleaned his room at the 6th-month mark, is a father, a good husband, and a hard worker. Their homes are orderly and clean.

We need to teach our kids to clean. They need to learn to manage their responsibilities. You will try many systems. Some will work for a time and others won’t be successful at all. It is all an experiment.

But ultimately your relationship with your children matters more than whether they clean well or not. The dad I talked with had a lot of fun with his kids and they loved him. They spent time together and they were learning to clean, sometimes Dad’s way and sometimes Stephanie’s way. As adults, they will decide where they fall, and it will be OK.

There are payoffs when we learn to put relationships ahead of home management.

THE PAYOFF OF BALANCING MANAGEMENT AND RELATIONSHIP

PAY OFF 1—Reduced Stress and Increased Energy
Sharon Silver has expressed this perfectly: “Focusing on love and creating a connection causes unseen properties to magically eat up stress. It’s as if stress and love can’t exist in the same space. When a stressed-out parent takes a few minutes to sit and lovingly reconnect to their child, heart to heart, it’s like a key has been inserted and the stress begins to dissolve” (Silver, “4 Minute Way to De-Stress”).

When we put systems in place that put relationships over management, we will be less stressed. I have lived on both sides of this coin.

PAY OFF 2—Extended Patience
When we stop managing things and look at our children, when we see them and hear them, our patience level increases. Remember one of those moments when you felt angry or frustrated but stopped and reached out to your child lovingly, and you felt the negative feelings dissipate? It may not happen often but I’m sure it has happened. It magnifies the feeling of success as a parent. These moments of extended patience help you stay in control when things are heating up in your life.

PAY OFF 3—Reduce the Need for Consequences
You saw how it worked with my first system. I didn’t need to repeat myself or nag. They could take all day but couldn’t go play till done. And Barry understood what was needed to get the go-ahead. No grounding. No yelling. No spanking. And in today’s world, no need to take away the tech. Truth is, sometimes one would choose to stay home all day and not do the work. They also knew it would be there waiting the next day. LOL

PAY OFF 4—Children Who Know They Matter
As adults, we’re end-product driven, and it can become a challenge to not get caught up in management over relationships. We tend to focus on the job at hand, how it should be done, and how it turns out in the end.

This keeps us out of relationship mode. Parents can care too much about the outcome and too little about the relationship. When we take the time to work on our parent/child relationship we allow them to know and love us, and we let them know they matter more than whatever job or task is at hand. This can happen while teaching responsibility.

PAY OFF 5—Enjoyable Relationships
To have fulfilling and enjoyable relationships with those in our care, our children, we need to stop managing so much and give more time to building the relationship. I am laughing because this is how it is with me and my mom. I can get caught up in the ‘doin it’ and forget that how she feels matters more. My boat is your boat. : ) Relationship is everything, and ultimately it depends on you!

PAY OFF 6—The burden of Parenting (or caregiving LOL) is Lightened
Not much feels better than laughing with your child or getting a sloppy kiss and hug when you’re feeling frazzled. Oh yes, and a silly smile and an eye roll from your teen is awesome. : ) It’s sublime hearing the words “You’re the best Mom/Dad.” There’s a feeling of renewal and peace as you rock quietly, holding a child. This is how I felt as I hugged Barry after I checked out the bathroom and then sent him off to hunt snakes.

In the end, relationships will surpass just about everything else in their ability to bring happiness, peace, and satisfaction to your family. It makes the job of parenting lighter.

We all want to prepare our kids to be out on their own. I have been in that place. I have also seen how it worked out as the seven of them became adults. My daughter Jodie who kept her room clean as a kid, often has a messy living room and kitchen. I live in a 4-generation home, and I know. However, she can clean it up and do an amazing job when there is an opening in her busy day as a single mom with four teens, one with severe CP. Often, she chooses to work on relationships rather than cleaning the kitchen and living room. It always amazes me when she gets off work and then takes Mary to do an errand, drives Ben to a friend, or helps Jack with the horses.

Before I knew better, I would have let all this go in order to clean my home, and I would have done a lot of scolding in the process. Despite my early ignorance, my children have learned well.

Ninety percent of people on their deathbed say their biggest regret is they didn’t get closer to the people in their lives and almost all parents whose children are grown say they wish they’d spent more time with their kids. I am right there with them!

One day you’ll be older. Your kids will be gone from your home. You won’t care how clean your house was, how spectacular the yard is, if you homeschooled or public schooled. You won’t value the amount of money you made, how often you went to Disneyland, or what college your kids attended. You won’t care if they’re carpenters or lawyers. You won’t care if you impacted thousands of people as a writer, speaker, or teacher. What you will think about more than anything else is the condition of the relationships within your family. That, my friends, is what you’re going to treasure most.

Take time now to make them sweet.

You can learn more on this subject and read other wonderful examples and stories in the book Becoming a Present Parent: Connecting with Your Children in Five Minutes or Less. See Chapter 9 ADJUST YOUR APPROACH