Category: Better living and Parenting

What is Family Philanthropy

November and December are perfect months to teach our children about gratitude and sharing. It’s an excellent time to review our family culture around giving and receiving. During these months, there are multiple opportunities to teach our children that no matter how wonderful it is to receive, giving brings deep satisfaction and joy. Today I want to share a few stories about family philanthropy, but let’s begin by defining philanthropy. I took my definition from Noah Webster’s 1828 dictionary.

PHILANTHROPY, noun The love of mankind; benevolence towards the whole human family; universal good will. It differs from friendship, as the latter is an affection for individuals.

Did you notice that philanthropy doesn’t have anything to do with money? Interesting, isn’t it, because in today’s world, it is all about money. Usually, those we think of as philanthropists are wealthy and get their names on museums, hospital buildings, and symphony halls. If money was all that philanthropy was about, it would leave out most of the world, including me and my family.

STORY ONE

When I had my seven children at home, I took them to the nursing home on Sunday after church. I wanted them to care for the elderly and not fear their infirmities or eccentricities. After a couple of hours at church, they weren’t all that excited, but go, we did, and it never ceased to amaze me how much they enjoyed themselves once we were there.

They would sit by people in the cafeteria and ask questions, then listen to the answers. Sometimes, I saw one of them holding an older person’s hand. They did a great deal of smiling and reading. We didn’t stay long, but we always gave it thirty minutes.

This is an example of one of the ways we brought philanthropy into our family culture. Today these adults reach out in amazing ways with money and time to serve those around them. They have soft hearts for others, recognize their own blessings, and want to help the world be a kinder, more beautiful place.

STORY TWO

In my daughter’s family, they used the phrase Family Philanthropy early on. It all began with Maggie, who has severe cerebral palsy. The financial burden in the beginning was very great. After much prayer to find ways to help Maggie have the treatment she needed, they came up with Maggie’s Month, a way to receive help and make the world a better place at the same time.

During Maggie’s month, friends, family, and complete strangers came together to gather resources for Maggie and others. Some gave their time to make an event successful. Others gave money. Maggie’s month lasted only a few years, but in that time, Jodie’s children and others were privileged to reach out, share their time, talents, and resources, and gain philanthropic hearts.

Maggie’s month was about more than just helping Maggie. Maggie’s Month represented a solution to a world of serious hurting and deep needs –more people with philanthropy in their hearts.

STORY THREE

A couple of years ago, I took a class on Self-Reliance. It was about getting your life and financial affairs in order so that you could not only take care of your own needs but also help with the needs of others.

One of the lessons had a video that moved me to tears, and when I think about it now, it still moves me. I have wonderful friends in Kenya. Their hearts are full of gratitude despite lives of want and need. That is why this video moved me so much, it was of a sweet Kenyan woman. She shared that each morning she knelt and asked God who she could help and serve that day. Then she would watch for opportunities to give the only things she had, her time, her love, and her concern for another’s need. I cannot think of a finer example of philanthropy.

STORY FOUR

After Jodie’s family ended Maggie’s Month events, they began another tradition that went on for years. During November and December, they could be found once a week at a park in their large city where many were homeless. They would hand out coco and cookies and talk with the people. For a few years before Jodie began this new tradition, Don and I had gone to the park to talk with the homeless. I remember one special day when a homeless man and I discussed books. He was a reader, as I am. Just before moving on, he took a book out of his pack and said, “Can I give this to you? It’s very good, and I know you will enjoy it.” I still have the book on my shelf.

What is Family Philanthropy?

Philanthropy is a big word for turning care and concern into action, as Noah Webster described. Philanthropy is the perfect word to represent the greater hope in the four stories I have shared.

One of Jodie’s family’s mantras is, “One person can’t do everything, but everyone can do something!” Their goal with Maggie’s month, as was mine with our trips to the senior center, and the Kenyan woman’s prayer, was to inspire other families to take action on something they care about, respond to a need they see, and support a cause that matters to them as a regular part of their family culture.

Philanthropy makes us better, happier people. Science says it’s so, but more importantly, experience bears it out. Philanthropy follows the Law of Cause and Effect. My friend and financial coach, Janine Bolon said, “Depending on our religious or cultural backgrounds, we might have heard it described as:

“The Law of Cause and Effect”
“The Law of the Harvest
“What you sow, that you shall reap.”
“What goes around comes around.”
“Birds of a feather flock together.”
“To him that has, more shall be given.”
“Like begets like.”
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

But Why Family Philanthropy?

At the end of the first month, after Maggie’s Month was created, Jodie received a letter in the mail that perfectly described the WHY of her family’s efforts.

“Dear Maggie,
“When we got the email from your mom, we all looked at your website and then gathered as a family to talk about it. We all voted to do something, but it was difficult to decide what. We had so many ideas, but Mom and Dad were worried about time.

“Finally, the idea was proposed that we give you the money in our swing set savings bucket. For the past few years, we have kept a 5-gallon bucket that we put all our spare change in, in hopes of saving enough money to buy a swing set. If you get all your treatments, maybe you will be able to play on a swing set someday. “We know the Lord will bless us for helping you, and maybe we can build a swing set as a family project. We are praying for you.”

It isn’t hard to imagine the growth that happened in these children’s hearts as they jointly decided to delay their long-desired dream of a swing set for the benefit of another. The lessons learned, memories shared, and character built through this experience were incalculable and priceless.

As children, our character, and our worldview, are largely created through our family culture. Adult philanthropists who are full of hope and abundance, who heal society with both time and money, and who are generally happier, more successful people, are more likely to come from homes that practice philanthropy. Children learn by watching and participating. Parents can multiply their efforts and their long-term impact for good by engaging their whole family in philanthropic work.

Family philanthropy projects are deposits into the character and happiness of our children. Children might only be adding pennies or small amounts of their time toward a particular cause, but don’t underestimate the priceless value of those pennies and their precious time as a generation of philanthropists is raised.

We simply can’t do good and not have it affect us for good, both inside and out. Try an experiment of your own. Next time you’re feeling depressed, afraid, victimized, or suffering from a scarcity mentality or one of your children finds themselves in one of these places, determine to reach out and help someone. Plant the seed and see for yourself what kind of fruit it bears.

In the next two months, if you haven’t yet set a tradition of philanthropy in your home, consider ways that you could and then begin. I know that your family will find the joy that comes with becoming regular philanthropists. Dr. Seuss knew what he was talking about, and your heart will grow three times as well.

Bottom line, philanthropy is good for our neighborhoods, community, and world. And it’s good for our hearts.

The Two-edged Sword of Innovation

I like Kerry Patterson. He is a great writer and from my era, so I relate to everything he writes. Back in September 2012, Kerry wrote an article about unplugging from the workplace, the difficulty and the benefits. I saw amazing parallels for a family. In the ensuing eleven years, I have seen what Kerry shared become even more challenging.

Kerry talked about the nuclear tests that America engaged in 1951, and all the craziness that went along with that. Students were sent flying to the floor to cover the backs of their necks in case of a nuclear attack from the Soviet Union. They saw American soldiers in newsreels, dressed in green fatigues, toting rifles, and holding their helmets tight to their heads, walking resolutely into a cloud of nuclear dust as the latest blast rolled across the desert. It was all craziness because in 1951 we all knew about radiation, the danger, and yet the tests went on. Kerry then asked the question “What similarly insane things are we doing today?” What modern inventions have we wholly embraced, which appear to have made our lives better, but are slowly killing us? In short, what “nuclear walk” are we taking today?

Kerry and I agree on one crazy thing that is happening – our inability to unplug! Let me give you an example that I witnessed back in 2012 and still see happening today. When I first moved to Utah, I lived on the second floor of a two-story apartment building. Below us lived a wonderful family with two daughters. In front of their apartment was a large hedge that hid their patio from view. As I came up the walk one day, I saw Lisa and Patrick’s heads above the hedge. I saw no children. I called out to them, “Hey are you guys having a date?” They both looked up and answered “yes”. As I rounded the hedge to the stairway, I saw that they were playing separate games on their individual cell phones but…they were on a date.

I have mentored moms who had a hard time gathering their families together. Reading as a family was out. Watching a movie together was a struggle. Meals together were rare. They struggled to find time to be present and listen to their children. When I had these moms track how they used their time they were amazed at how much of it they spent answering emails, checking Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, and dealing with other social networking sites, as well as online games they played. There were texts to respond to, videos from friends, and a plethora of things to Google. There were podcasts and audiobooks to listen to. None of these activities were bad but the time used led to a sense of dissatisfaction in their performance as mothers. They couldn’t seem to keep up. This applied to the dads I worked with as well. They not only had the social networking issues their wives had, but they also brought work home with them on laptops and cell phones. These good parents then wondered why they couldn’t connect more regularly with their children or avoid becoming angry and frustrated with them.

After our tracking exercise, I would ask “What would happen if you unplugged occasionally? What if you turned the cell phones off just during dinner? What if you didn’t check your email or Facebook until the afternoon? Would disconnecting for even an hour make your life better?” They answered yes, but I could hear the worry in their voices. They didn’t want to be out of the loop and miss something. And frankly, for some, being thus engaged felt better than doing all the jobs that parents face every day. But what would happen if we unplugged for even an hour a day? Would it make a difference in our feelings of satisfaction, in our health, in our ability to focus on the connection we want in our family? The answer is a resounding YES.

Here is a fact that Kerry shared:

Every time you stop your current task to take a text, etc., or deal with an interruption, and then return, you place the original task from short- to long-term memory, put the new job into short-term memory, and then reverse the entire process to get back on task. Completing this conceptual lifting dozens of times a day creates stress, which can lead to distress and all its attendant health problems.

Frequent interruptions can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction. Instead of working continuously for periods of an hour or more on a task that’s challenging and solvable, we purposely interrupt our flow, add stress, and make our job as a parent far less doable or enjoyable. Take listening to a fretting child or trying to soothe an ill youngster for example.

When we use our time to stay digitally connected, we often extend our day beyond healthy limits. Instead of going to bed at 10, we go at midnight because we want to finish those chores that we didn’t get done earlier. This leads to a lack of energy and eventual grouchiness and dissatisfaction with our children and life.

I worked with a mom who played three online games daily and was a prolific Facebook reader and writer. Often her Facebook messages said things like “I just can’t keep up” or “I am too busy, and my kids are so messy!” She had too many tech interruptions and let too much time pass in these activities which left her always feeling rushed and out of sorts. This didn’t help her parent well.

With the release of each innovation, there’s much to think about. As we invent and embrace new devices, we may not know the toll they’re taking on our mental, emotional, and physical health. What can we do?

Take control of how you spend your time.
Take control of your outside interruptions.
Make the use of technology part of your family dialogue.

When will you, your spouse, or the kids be on the computer? How much TV will any of you watch? What family times call for silencing cell phones? How many Wii or other electronic games will you play?

As Kerry suggests, “Talk openly about the two-edged sword of innovation”. Decide how and when you want to be connected and where and when you want to be interrupted. Make it a choice, not the natural extension of embracing what appears to be a helpful tool. And remember, it’s not an all-or-nothing proposition. You’re not required to take a vow of digital celibacy. You don’t have to chuck your devices and neither do your kids; you just need to control them, so they don’t control you.

Have a plan and then work your plan.

I know a mom who realized that checking her computer first thing in the morning was messing up her day. She decided to turn the computer OFF each evening and then NOT turn it on again until after 12 P.M. This one thing made a world of difference. She felt more productive in the A.M. and was able to help her kids get going on their day. When you make decisions about technology you make more time for your family.

Managing technology with children especially youth, can be daunting. There are dozens of books out there on the subject because it is tough. But what if you decided to turn off all phones during one meal each day? What if computers and phones were silenced just one evening a week for one hour while you held a family council on what was coming up that week? Or what if once a month you had a family movie night and phones were not allowed? Challenging I know, but even one small thing that opens space for family conversation is valuable and will make a difference.

What is one small thing you are willing and ready to talk to your family about? What is one small change you will make?

Decide as a family and then do it!

Don’t Be A Mastodon

I have wonderful friends. Some are past mentees, past mentors, and class attendees, and some are past teachers of mine. We have remained connected. Just this week one of those friends reached out. We had a wonderful conversation which I will share in an upcoming article. But she said something I want to share today. She said words to this effect – I love reading your articles. I love how you share your life; and how transparent you are. It helps me in my life.

I was moved by her comments. Sometimes I wonder if I am too honest, or too transparent. It was a relief when I finally learned that helping others doesn’t require perfection or an all-knowingness on my part. But still, I occasionally wonder. LOL My friend, after sharing her current success, asked me how I was doing. I told her I am facing a change in my life plans and I’m working on managing it.

Last week I included in my weekly newsletter the link to a podcast I did a few weeks ago for Beyond the Cookie Cutter. It was about managing change. Then this week, out of nowhere, I found myself faced with another possible change. It will require a shift in a hope I have held on to for a long time and an adjustment in how I deal with a current situation. This reminded me of where I was back in 2013 and some hard lessons I had to learn. I want to share what I learned in 2013 because it is so 2023. LOL

Driving home from an event a few nights ago I had a very enlightening and somewhat painful conversation with my daughter about a possible change in something my husband and I have counted on for a few years. It would be easy to ignore her observations but then I would be in the position many mastodons found themselves in. Stuck in a black tar pit. If the mastodon didn’t find a way to extract herself from the pit, then death and petrified bones were the result. This can and does happen to people. Many of us know someone who is stuck and can’t seem to move forward. Sometimes they spend a lifetime stuck and leave life never having freed themselves.

I have written several articles this summer on getting unstuck, and getting help to grow. I don’t want to belabor the point but, well, it keeps coming up in my life and the lives of those around me. As I said, I am sharing some observations from 2013 because they fit perfectly for where I find myself in 2023.

The last two years I have had a few mastodon moments where I have found myself trumpeting loudly (to God at least, “Help, Help! Get me out!!) and I have gotten out and moved forward only to find myself in a new tar pit. The last few years have been filled with growth moments. Not sure why that is but life is very onion-like, and I suspect that I have reached a place in my life where I am ready, willing, and able to do some serious growing and changing. It can feel uncomfortable while being freeing. : )

In 2013 I was struggling to get out of bed because I was unhappy with myself and others. I had to learn some important lessons about sleep and personal happiness. I did learn them and have written about them. That knowledge has been life-changing when life gets tough! Recently, despite my hard-won knowledge I have found myself in that same fight.

What is Wisdom and why do I need it?

I have an exceptionally strong will so I do get out of bed, no matter what. However, willpower isn’t enough. It won’t and can’t carry you far enough to get unstuck. It requires wisdom to do hard things long enough to effect lasting change. What is wisdom? It is knowledge understood, which when coupled with faith, knowing it is true, moves us to action.

I have learned that we are responsible for how everything looks and feels in our lives. I have experienced this principle for myself, and it is fabulously freeing! You may not believe it. In fact, you may be saying “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard”. That is exactly what I said back in 2013. But that seed planted so long ago has grown into a tree, with fruit to boot, and I know it is true.

Because of the wisdom I gained back in 2013, I have been moved to action over the past couple of years. I have taken responsibility for the fact that I have had low-in-spirit moments and that I haven’t wanted to get out of bed at times. I haven’t looked outwards for anyone or anything to blame. I have gone inward to look for the culprit.

I have prayed a lot! I have pulled out my best tools and I have been using them. P.S. If you need tools reach out and I can share what I have used with you. No cost, just friends sharing.

I have checked the past: is there any grudge I am holding on to, any anger, or other negative feeling? If I have run across anything I have used my forgiveness exercises to root it out.

I have checked my shame bank. Have I made any recent deposits or is there anything hanging around in there from the past? An empty shame bank is a wealthy shame bank.

I have been checking in with my body and asking questions. Your hip hurts. Hmmmm, why? Your neck is sore, let’s look at that. I have paid attention to my body clues and followed them. I have a couple of books that I go to, to help me understand what my body is saying. When I find anything that rings true, I go to work on it, again using prayer and my quiver of wellness tools.

I have utilized mentors. Remember that willpower is not enough. It requires wisdom to make lasting and useful changes. I have learned that when you are stuck and have done all that you can, get a mentor, someone who can help you see what you cannot see or do not want to see. Right now, the mentors I am utilizing are the friends I have made during the last decade of my life. And, as you know, a counselor for a short time this spring.

There are days I would like to stay in bed, but I am not stuck like those poor mastodons! I am taking small steps and feel able to take each one.

Mentoring gets you unstuck!

In 2013 I wasn’t caregiving. I was building a very successful and fun business teaching parents to connect with their children. I was traveling and garnering the friends I mentioned earlier. But inside I was stuck and hiding. I have a purpose for sharing my 2013 experience. It isn’t that I want you to know that I periodically get stuck although I do want you to know that. It isn’t because I want you to know that no matter how put together you seem, we all have challenges, we all are growing, although I do want you to know that.

I am telling you because I want you to understand that when you are stuck you need help from the mentors around you. It doesn’t matter if you are stuck in your business, parenting, personal development, education, health, or relationships. You need a fresh perspective. You need someone who can help you go where you may not want to go. When you understand this and believe it is true you will have another drop of wisdom to call upon in times of need.

A mentor is someone who can listen and support. They are usually a few steps ahead of you in whatever you are working on. It could be a friend, a paid mentor or counselor, a spouse, a parent, or as in my case this week, one of your grown children. One of the best mentors is God, but often He sends you to a person who has what you need.

Although I now may need to move in a direction I didn’t plan to go, I feel confident I can do it. I can get out of bed; face the challenge of yet another change I hadn’t planned on and be ok. Taking responsibility, throwing out blame, being honest with yourself, mentoring with those you trust, feels far better than lying in bed…stuck!

Good tools and mentoring can help you manage change and growth even when it is hard. So, reach out and keep growing.

Are You Self Aware? What Does That Even Look Like?

Last spring, I was listening to a talk at church and the speaker gave a statistic that I found intriguing and a bit surprising. He said that most people think they are self-aware but that when tested only about 15% are. That is a low number of people who really know where they are emotionally, at any given time.

You are probably not surprised that this information would catch my eye. After all, I did a little counseling for myself this year because I knew there were issues with my self-awareness which made it difficult to manage triggers and stress.

What does being self-aware look like?

John Duffy, a clinical psychologist and author, expressed it this way – “In effect, self-awareness is the recognition of one’s own emotional state at any given point in time…To the degree that we can manage our emotional states, we are better able to manage…other elements of our lives as well.”

Amy McManus, a marriage and family therapist, describes self-awareness this way – “Self-awareness is the ability to look at your own words and actions from a perspective outside of yourself; to see yourself as others see you.”

Can you see how helpful it would be to be able to see yourself as others see you and then choose how to respond rather than being triggered or feeling less than? Can you see how empowering it is to be aware of your current emotional state so that you could take steps to manage how you feel?

This information was helpful for me last spring when I could see that I was on the edge of a cliff. My emotional state was in disarray after almost five years of full-time caregiving, and I needed help so that I could continue to manage.

As a mom, co-worker, wife, neighbor, etc. we would all do better if we could recognize our current emotional state, accept it, not feel like a loser if it is in disarray, and then do something to get back on track.

This is what I did last spring, got help, so I could work on getting my emotional state back into a place where I could manage myself and continue to care for those I love.

We tend to think we’re self-aware when we’re not. Remember those statistics – only 15% of the population is self-aware most of the time. Katie Krimer, a licensed clinical social worker, said that many people “feel that they know and understand themselves much better than they actually do. They may even have avoided building self-awareness because it involves looking at oneself as honestly as possible, and this can often invoke feelings of shame that can be difficult to handle.”

In my opinion and experience, to become more self-aware we need first, to give up shame because there are times you are not in a good place. This frees us to seek whatever help we need, to put ourselves back in order. If we are ashamed that we aren’t ‘perfect’ then we will shut down, hide from ourselves, and not seek help. As you can tell from the statistics, that is the choice many make whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Self-awareness is a skill important for a more fulfilling life

Self-awareness is important for a fulfilling life, one is freer from triggers, and feelings of shame, and able to respond more often rather than react.

Here is another bit of wisdom from John Duffy – “If you can manage your own emotions, you are more than likely able to exert an impact on the emotional vibe of a family, a work situation, or a social encounter. All of that is to say, self-awareness can be incredibly useful in driving a more aware, fulfilled life.”

The cool thing about a skill and self-awareness is a skill, is that it can be learned and mastered. It isn’t a natural talent so anyone can be better at self-awareness.

Last year when I was on a Mother’s Day retreat my daughter, Jodie, stopped by. She was helping me, so that I would be free to stay by myself for a few days, doing what I wanted. We didn’t plan it, but when she got to where I was staying, I spent an hour talking with her about the state of my emotions, and where I really was. It wasn’t comfortable because I am the mom, a writer, a mentor, and I should have all my ducks in a row, right? But it was helpful.

We strategized a few things that would help me physically manage better at home, as well as emotionally. In order for this conversation to occur I had to be willing to accept that I am not perfect, I do have ‘stuff’, and that it is OK. It doesn’t diminish my worth or my ability to help and serve others. In fact, that conversation allowed me to serve better, going forward. All those months ago, it was worth being vulnerable so that I could receive help to see what I needed to do. As has been said, self-awareness is a skill for a more fulfilling life.

So how can we cultivate greater and more consistent self-awareness?

I read several articles on this topic because, like most of you, I wasn’t sure how to cultivate self-awareness. I know that I can be self-aware, but I also know there are times I avoid it.

As I read there was a plethora of thoughts on how to cultivate self-awareness. I have chosen, for myself, only those that I am currently willing and/or able to do. As you do your own research you will see many other ideas and then you can choose what will work for you right now. I am sharing the link to one article I read and one talk I listened to, to get you started.

Here Is What I Committed To

1. Seek feedback from those you trust. That is what I was doing with my daughter on my Mother’s Day retreat. It is what I did when I chose to do some work with a professional counselor last spring.

2. Practice gratitude. This is a long-term practice for me. I have filled several gratitude journals. I write three things daily. My goal has been to not repeat myself. That is a challenge. : ) I will continue this practice.

This week I began a new gratitude journal after two years of writing. I still strive to write down new things. I am not above writing down eggs, watermelon, my mom can still dress herself, or cereal for an easy breakfast. LOL

This one practice has been helpful on many levels, not just with self-awareness. I recommend it highly!

3. Examine your triggers. Recently, I was on a wonderful podcast called Beyond the Cookie Cutter. In that podcast, I talked about a moment when I was triggered by something my husband did. Mary Black, the host asked me to explain how I worked through the situation to determine what the trigger was so I could get my emotions back in order. You may find my experience of use as you figure out how to do this yourself.

4. Let your walls down. This goes along with number 1. You do this best with those you trust. As I shared in the podcast, my husband can trigger me. But of all the people in the world, I trust him most. So, we have talked about it. He knows I am continuing my work to heal my triggers, which aren’t about him at all. He is being patient. : )

5. Look in the mirror-literally. I have been looking in the mirror at myself for years. I have aged considerably in the past five years, since becoming a full-time caregiver. However, aged or not, I like looking at myself in the mirror, even on days I am mad at myself because of a choice, a behavior, or a lack of self-management, etc. With much practice, I have learned my value and I love myself. This is a skill I have mastered! P.S. This is probably one of the reasons I am free to be vulnerable with those I trust and with you, my readers. My love for me isn’t dependent on how I look or any state of perfection.

When I look in the mirror it has been to tell myself how good I am as a person and to give myself some love. As was said in the NBC News article – to learn to track attention and emotions and gain new insights into how thoughts are affecting in real time — this sort of mimics face-to-face conversations that involve deep listening and being fully present with another person.” I plan to be deeply present with myself for a few moments on a regular basis and to continue to look in the mirror and tell myself how much I am loved!

So, look in the mirror and love the woman you see looking back with all her imperfections, disappointments, sadness, etc. Know that she is of worth and that you are moving her forward.
I have shared with you what I am currently willing to do to be more self-aware. However, there are many other possibilities. Check out the other ideas for yourself and choose what you can commit to.

Becoming self-aware is life changing and it is a skill we can master!

P.S. Mediation came up often on the lists. I have meditated in the past but right now, I can’t commit to it. However, it was powerful for me a decade ago and there is a wonderful TED talk on meditation and self-awareness. You may be ready to commit to this. If so listen HERE. I was so taken by this talk that I may reconsider and commit myself. : ) It was beautiful, simple, and doable. Pondering my options. : ) Here is a good article to get you started on your own search for greater self-awareness. What is Self-awareness? And how can you cultivate it?

Putting People Ahead of Projects. Can It Be Done?

Here are two stories that will become one.

I am a finisher. This will be important for you to remember as you read this article. Being a finisher is a blessing in my life and the lives of those I live with and serve. But it has its drawbacks. I can get caught up in projects and leave people behind.

Story One

I needed a mammogram. Ugh, I would like to be done with that forever, but whether I like it or not, I needed one. On the appointed day, I showed up and was pleasantly surprised by the technician. She was awesome! Vicki and I had a fabulous conversation about interesting and important things while we took care of this slightly unpleasant task.

I could tell that in some ways, we were alike. She is also a finisher. Our conversation got around to the topic of being patient with people when they got in the way of the work at hand. This was a problem for her at home and work. Boy, could I relate. Projects or work can supersede the very people we are serving. We laughed about it.

Then the conversation took a serious turn. Vicki was down on herself because she was new to the ‘I need to be more responsive to people’ party. She said, “I’m never going to get this.” I have felt this way myself. I told her, “You will get this and have a change of heart if you keep working on it, if it is a true desire of your heart. I know because I have been doing this work of changing for a long time.”

Story Two

The next day I was at my neighbor’s home picking mulberries. I had gotten up very early to do the job because I oversaw getting Maggie up, dressed, and into her wheelchair that morning. I had almost finished one section of the lower branches of the huge tree. I had a clear thought come into my mind, “Remember, Jodie is working, and you need to get Maggie up and dressed.” I have a good handle on time, and I had already felt that it was close to the time that Maggie would need me. But I kept picking. I told myself, “It’s just going to take a minute. I’ll be quick.” Sound familiar? Maggie can do nothing for herself, and she was dependent on me, and so was her working mom, but I wanted to finish.

I heard a ping on my phone, but I ignored it and kept picking. Five minutes later I was so pressed by the feeling that I had to go that I checked my phone. Jodie had gotten a message from Maggie saying she was awake. Fortunately, Maggie’s iPad was propped on the bed in front of her just in case she woke up and needed to let someone know. Jodie was texting to tell me Maggie was awake and to give me a few instructions for getting her dressed and out of bed. Maggie had just had surgery so I needed some coaching as it wouldn’t be a routine morning. Another reason that putting Maggie ahead of the mulberry picking was important!

I can’t believe it, but I began picking again. I mean, I was almost done with this section. I wanted to finish. Then I could pick up where I left off later. But again, I was pressed to STOP, and this time I did.

As I walked home, I felt slightly irritated. When I was in Maggie’s bedroom it all changed. She and I have fun conversations and laugh when I am caring for her. We use our system of questions and answers to communicate. I like working with her. She is funny and so cheerful. As I was ‘talking’ with her and getting her dressed I was overcome with a sense of gratitude. I felt grateful that she was my granddaughter and that I could serve and love her, talk with her, and laugh with her. I felt in a real way, the value and importance of what I was doing. It eclipsed any satisfaction I would have felt had I completed that section of the mulberry tree.

Learning to STOP what we are doing in favor of something that is truly more important, usually having to do with our spouse or children, is a process. I worked on this for many years as I parented and I am still working on it as I grandparent. I am certainly better than I was in the beginning, but I have had to learn to give myself space and time to keep practicing. Changing one’s way of being, whatever that may look like for you, takes intention, effort, consistency, and time. I have had to learn to forgive myself when I must be reminded that something else matters more than my current project.

A change of heart, a new way of being, can take years to achieve and then it isn’t usually a done deal. We must be reminded occasionally of what we know and our new way of responding. Perfect rarely happens. Changing our way of being is not the same as ticking something off a list, like making your bed every morning. It is deeper and it matters more.

As you work on STOPPING when your child needs you, it will impact your relationships hugely. It can make all the difference as they move from childhood to adulthood. It can and will cement relationships, and your children will be able to trust you. They will come to you when they are in need because you will have sent a clear message that they matter and that you value them over all the projects you must do in a day.

I would rather not have confessed to this crazy mulberry experience with you. It would be cool if I could tell you that I always put people over projects. But helping you understand what change takes, how important allowing yourself to make mistakes is, accepting your imperfections, and keeping going compels me to be honest, and vulnerable. : )

We all have ways of being in our family and with others that need to be adjusted. We all do! So, take heart, decide how you want to be, and then go for it even if you are still working on it decades later. Reaching the end isn’t what matters. It is your children watching your journey that in the end will make all the difference.

It has made a difference for my children.

Want to Laugh More, Remain Calmer, and Be Happier?

If you had asked me twenty-five years ago if I had a sense of humor, I would have replied that fun and funny are not on top of my list. I don’t get jokes. I don’t see the humorous first. Getting stuff done is my thing. Being on time matters. Maintaining order is number one. I liked things and people to be a certain way. Because of this, I was easily frustrated or annoyed by situations and people, including my husband and kids.

However, a decade and a half ago, when I began speaking and teaching, I was in for a shock. I made people laugh. I am no comedian, but I said things in a way that was humorous to an audience. People assured me of this all the time. : ) I would never have guessed that there was another side to me.

The Beginning of Change

One day many years ago I was preparing to attend an event with my 11-year-old daughter, Kate. The dress was Sunday best. We were running late and being late was not an option for me! So, the stress was on to get there on time!

As we walked out to the car, I stepped off the curb into a pool of water up to my ankle. I was instantly mad!!! My foot was wet, my shoe was full of water and there wasn’t time to change. My thoughts were filled with anger and frustration. I turned those thoughts into angry, frustrated words.

As I drove down the road I complained about the water in the gutter and the inconsideration of some people who let their sprinklers run all over the place. I fussed about the foolishness of having the event at this time of day and not later, and on and on……. You can hear it, can’t you?

When we were about 6 blocks from home, for some reason I visualized myself stepping off the curb and into that gutter. I saw my shoe fill up with water and the shocked look on my face. It was such a funny picture that I began to laugh.

My poor daughter who had sat silently through the so recent tirade just stared. Then she began to laugh. When I got control of myself, I said, “That was so funny!” In her sweet voice, she replied, “Mom, I wish you had known it was funny when it happened.” That wise statement from my youngest daughter sent me on an adventure of change. I wanted to see the funny side of life more often. I wanted to be frustrated and annoyed less. I wanted to stop complaining when things weren’t as I thought they should be.

I decided all those years ago to get a grip on frustration and anger, but my resources and my knowledge were lacking, so for quite a while I made very slow progress. But I did make progress.

Twenty-One Years Later

Mary and Jack, both under five, were taking a bath. They were in the tub alone for less than 5 minutes while their dad took their clothes to the laundry. When he came back into the bathroom everything in the room which wasn’t nailed down was in the tub: scale, towels, dirty diapers, toothbrushes, soap, shampoo bottles, everything.

As Doug began fishing all the stuff out of the tub while trying to control his temper this is what he heard, “Hey dad you’re ruining my island.” How’s that for learning? How’s that for funny? I laughed and laughed. Even Doug had to laugh.

This Summer

In our garden, we have left a large patch of dirt. This is where Ben and his friends play. They are all 10 and 11. They dig huge holes and fill them with water. They make tons of mud. They bury stuff. They have a ball.

Recently the boys purloined a few eggs from the hen house and decided to put them into small holes in the ground and cover them. They wanted the covers to be light and not crush the eggs so that they could retrieve them later. Guess what they found to use?

Well, right next to this unplanted area are raised garden beds with my rhubarb and a huge pumpkin. The leaves were perfect. So, the boys picked a bunch and sniped off a few shoots. Hmmmm They turned some of the rhubarb into trees standing over the leaf-covered cavities holding the eggs. One side of the rhubarb was picked bare. Good thing it is a huge plant, as is the pumpkin. LOL

When I went out and saw their ‘work’ I did not get mad. I wasn’t frustrated. I didn’t laugh but I couldn’t help smiling at the craziness of kids. Later, Ben and I had a talk about playing but asking for Grandma’s help if leaves or other living items were needed.

This ability to remain calm and see more disasters as funny hasn’t been easy to master. I will truthfully tell you that it is a battle I still fight every day and that little 11-year-old, Kate, well she is 34. Ten years ago, I recommitted to this calmer, sillier, more fun side of myself. I had learned a great deal in the ensuing decade and a half. I was willing and able to do more to be happier; to control my responses; to manage my thoughts and stories better.

It takes work and practice to change your way of thinking and being. I still have my wet shoe days, but they are fewer than when I began this process of change all those years ago. I am not discouraged because I have taken so long to get where I am, which isn’t as far as I need to go. I am not discouraged, because I am so much better than when Kate was 11. I have made progress and I will continue to make progress.

What is required to make this type of inner change, a personality shift, if you will?

Deciding you will change
Knowing ‘how’ you want to be
Working on it consistently
Learning what you don’t yet understand
Not beating yourself up when you behave in the old way, just starting again
Staying the course until you get there, never becoming so discouraged that you give up

I know that if you can laugh rather than yell, feel frustrated, or cry when kids do stuff that bugs you, causes messes, or seems frankly, naughty, life will feel and look better. Learning to laugh will relieve more stress than taking a long vacation.

This work is worth the years and effort it takes because

Duality Matters in Parenting!

Here is how the conversation with my daughter Kate on pride vs. pridefulness ended. If you are out of the loop, refer to the Sept. 10th and Sept. 17th articles at https://www.maryannjohnsoncoach.com.

Duality in Life and Parenting

I told Kate, “I’m proud of myself that I figured this out as I became an adult. Thank you for telling me. I never would have thought of such a thing. I always felt like such a fearful person. That is what your siblings saw. But by the time I was forty, I had worked out a lot of garbage. So, this is like a confirmation that the work I did was valuable. It wasn’t easy. There were no classes, no internet, no place to go for help except to friends. I had to figure it out by being honest with myself, and by pondering and praying a lot. It took me years. I am amazed that I figured it out. That I healed and grew. Thank you. I love you.”

I was sorry that my older children had grown up with a frightened, fearful woman, who did not value herself. I told Kate that. She replied, “You know Mom, just because it took you time to learn and grow doesn’t negate the great mom you were and this important message you gave me.”

Then Kate mentioned the word duality. It was new to me. I know dual means two, but I hadn’t heard much about duality. Here she was telling me that in parenting it matters.

What is duality? Well, two things can be true at once even if they are contradictory. You could be fearful at 40 and still exhibit confidence that you didn’t even realize. This can be helpful in relationships with others and with us.

Some Examples

In my 40s’ I thought – I either have it all together or I don’t. I either show confidence in everything or nothing.” I felt this was true. But the truth was this – I had fears and insecurities in many areas of my life but great confidence in others.

Sharing the message of duality is important in parenting because it can help us keep our story about how we are doing on a more positive plane, and it goes a long way to assisting us in speaking kinder and more truthfully to ourselves.

Instead of, “I am such a terrible mom. I just can’t keep my cool.” we might say, “I struggle to keep my cool, but I am working on it, and I am great at nighttime talks. It will even out If I just keep working on it.”

Instead of, “I am so lame. I still have so much to work on,” we could tell ourselves “I have so much to work on, but my kids can depend on me being at their events. They can trust me.”

The Onion Principle

In 2022 I sought counseling for myself for the first time in my life. Not mentoring, I have done a ton of that but honest-to-goodness counseling. I am 73. I should have it all worked out right? But the reality is that we are like an onion. You work on a layer at a time. That is why duality exists. You took off a layer but there may be another layer to work on.

If there are two sides to a coin, metaphorically speaking, there’s a duality. Peace and war, love and hate, up and down, and black and white are dualities. Duality is experienced every day.

You will succeed in some ways and fail in others. You will have one thing worked out and be a hot mess somewhere else. It’s OK. You can be both. We shouldn’t focus only on where we are not yet strong. It is wise to acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses. As we do, we send a powerful message to our children that they can do the same. This will hold them in good stead as they become adults and work out their baggage. Good parenting isn’t about being perfect, knowing it all, and having all our junk cleaned up. It is instead, doing the best we can, growing and changing, and sending the message to our children that they also have strengths and weaknesses, and it’s OK. It is about allowing ourselves and them to feel pride in hard work and accomplishment even if there are things that are not yet in order.

So, as I have said many times – Be kind to yourself. Trust yourself. Hang in there and keep growing despite your missteps. It will be enough.

As a Mother, You Won’t Know the Value You Bring Until Later

This part of the conversation blew me away!

Remember that conversation with my daughter Kate that I shared last week? Here is the part that blew me away!

As we talked, Kate said something that left me dumbfounded. In fact, it was the reason for her call. She said, “I wanted to thank you because I have never received negative messages about your accomplishments. You are comfortable expressing pride in what you have learned, and the characteristics, qualities, and talents you have developed. You are comfortable sharing with other people in a non, you know, braggy way. I want you to know that I really appreciate that about you because now, as an adult woman, I am not threatened by other women expressing confidence and pride in themselves. I do not equate that with pridefulness.”

“That matters and I wanted to let you know. Now, I am a mother of a little girl, and I can pass that positive outlook of confidence and pride on to her, rather than the messaging of – talk bad about yourself because that is more acceptable.”

“Not all women are comfortable with their own goodness and accomplishments. We don’t always support one another. Because of the example I saw from you while growing up, I have been able to share this with my daughter and help teach her that it’s OK to be proud of your accomplishments.ngest ”

Here is how Kate ended our lengthy conversation on pride vs. pridefulness. “I love you very much, and I appreciate you not being one of those messengers in my life of ‘stay small, stay insecure, talk bad about yourself because that is more acceptable.’ I know the opposite is unacceptable.” I replied, “Wow. I didn’t know I did that!”

The Message I LOVE to Share!

This is one of the messages I enjoy sharing with moms the most – In parenting, you can’t know the value you bring until much later. As your kids grow and have kids, you find out what they took away from home that will blow you away. For me, this was one of those things, and over the last twenty years, there have been others.

I had to work hard to be confident. I came from a place where that wasn’t nurtured in me. I had been sexually abused and emotionally abused. I wasn’t allowed to decide on anything big or small, even as a senior in high school. The ability and example Kate credited me with, well, I had to work on it for a significant portion of my parenting days. I didn’t have this knowledge when I began, but all of my children saw its development over time. It eventually came and I was able to share it with my youngest daughter, even if it was unconsciously.

Parenting is a tough job. We do not come prepared in all the ways that will be needed. But if we are open to learning, changing, and growing, we will ultimately be a blessing to our children. The passage of time will show you the value of what you have done, as imperfect as it is.

So, hold the course, speak kindly to yourself when you mess up, and work to learn and grow. It will be enough!

How We Talk About Ourselves Sends a Powerful Message to Our Children

A few months ago, I had a conversation with one of my daughters on the issue of pride vs pridefulness. It was amazing and insightful. I can’t do justice to the topic in one article so I will cover it in the following three articles.

Here are the messages I will share over the next three weeks:
1. How we talk about ourselves sends a powerful message to our children
2. No matter how imperfect we are, we are giving things to our kids that we won’t know the value of until much later
3. Duality is real, especially in parenting. Two things can be true at once, even if they are contradictory.

I am breaking this one conversation into three shorter articles because the concepts are important, and I want to make sure you hear them and don’t get bogged down with a lengthy read.

How we talk about ourselves sends a powerful message to our children.

Let’s begin by defining pride and pridefulness. I used Webster’s 1828 dictionary, which is my favorite. Pride – Generous elation of heart; a noble self-esteem springing from a consciousness of worth. Pridefulness – Having an excessively high opinion of oneself. Thinking too highly of oneself; conceited, arrogant, or overconfident.

Our conversation began with Kate sharing an amazing accomplishment she had experienced. She backed up a trailer all by herself and she was dang proud. It was a very tight space and she had never done that before. She had to course-correct a lot, but she got it done. Can I say how impressed and proud I was? I don’t back up anything! Period. I just don’t, so this was very impressive to me. I could understand why Kate felt pride in what she had done.

The following day Kate was taking her daughter to swim, and she saw the trailer. She felt pride wash over her. So, she shared it with Tessa. “Hey, do you see that trailer? I did that. I backed that trailer up and I was really scared but I did it anyway. And I am proud of myself.”

After she shared her feelings with her daughter, she made sure to send the message that it’s OK to feel confident in yourself. It’s OK to feel pride in what you do because pride is not the same as pridefulness.

Kate’s Sixth-Grade Experience

This led Kate and I to a conversation about the difference between pride in ourselves and pridefulness. I think that our conversation hits at one of the challenges moms and women face – can I think proudly of myself and my accomplishments without being prideful? Can I teach my daughters that it’s OK to feel confidence and pride in themselves?

Kate shared an experience she had in sixth grade where she learned to be self-deprecating. She was trying out for volleyball. Another girl hit the ball over the net. Kate said she was amazing; her serve was so powerful. Kate and the other girls were impressed with that beautiful serve. Some of the girls began asking her, “How did you do that? You were so amazing. It was so incredible.” The young girl replied, “Oh thank you so much. I worked all summer long. I practiced a lot.” As she walked away, the girls who had asked the question and had given her so much praise were like, “Oh my gosh. She is so full of herself. Ugh.”

A second girl whose serve was just as good as the first girl was also complimented by the other players. Her response was, “Oh no, no, you guys. I suck so bad. I am really terrible.” Then the group of girls with Kate were even more effusive in their compliments. “No, you were so good. Really. Like you are amazing.” When she walked away the group of girls had nothing negative to say.

Kate remembers observing this interchange as a sixth grader and thinking to herself, “That’s how you do it. Now I understand.” Here is what she learned – If you are confident people won’t like you. However, if you are insecure and say bad stuff about yourself then people accept you.

We can feel pride in our accomplishments without being prideful. Let’s send positive messages on this issue to our children so they are allowed to feel good about the things they master. We do this best by example. If we’re OK taking honest credit for what we accomplish then our children will learn that doing so is OK. Sharing my daughter’s sixth-grade experience with your kids can get an honest conversation going.

How we feel about ourselves, how we talk about ourselves, sends a powerful message to our children.

Deadheading

The Earth Can

Teach Us

It’s summer and so you know you are in for some parables about gardens and flowers. : ) The earth, if we are paying attention, can teach us so much symbolically, and metaphorically. Here is a lesson I was reminded of this week in my garden.

When I was a girl, we had a set of very old books in our home. They were called The John Martin Big Books. They were published in 1934, three years after my mother was born. I loved these books of very old stories. Many, if not all, taught a lesson. One such story was about two girls. Each had a flower garden. One girl shared her flowers with her friends and neighbors. She picked them for those walking by who admired them. The other girl wouldn’t pick her flowers. After all, they were hers. She loved them and she was doing all the work.

Guess who had the most long-blooming garden. Yes, the girl who shared her flowers. Later in life, I learned why this is so. If flowers are allowed to go to seed, the plant stops blooming because it has accomplished its mission. If, however, the blooms are picked, and seeds cannot form, the plant will do all it can to bloom long enough to create the seeds it was meant to produce.

Learning to Deadhead

My mother taught me to deadhead flowers, sort of like that story in my John Martin Big Book. You didn’t need to pluck each blossom and give it away, but when a bloom was finished and began to droop, you clipped off the head so that it couldn’t produce seeds.

My husband doesn’t garden but he loves gardens. We always go to the nursery together because he likes to help me pick out what is going to be planted. This year he wanted to buy a hanging basket of violas. I know how violas work and I knew that come mid-July they would stop looking beautiful and need to be replaced. But he liked them, so we bought them. I determined that from the time we bought them until they were spent, I would keep them deadheaded to help them last as long as possible.

I start on one side and I’m sure I get all the spent blooms. Then I move to the other side and every time I will see one I missed. Sometimes more than one. What happens? Why can’t I see them all from the side they are growing on? It’s because sometimes I need a different perspective. When I move to the opposite side, I can see the backside of the flowers which allows me to see blooms I couldn’t see from the front side.

The day I deadheaded my Columbines, a big flower, it was easy to see the seed pods. I wasn’t tired and had plenty of energy. The light was just right so I could see these large flowers and seed pods very well. I did a really good job on them. When I came back a couple of hours later and sat in one of the outdoor chairs, I’ll be darned if I didn’t find five seed heads that I had missed, even though I had done an excellent job the first time around.

Deadheading is a metaphor for life and family.

It’s never going to be perfect no matter how hard you try. When we can accept that, then we are free to enjoy the good job we are doing, despite the imperfections.

When we are trying to clean out our schedules, make something work in our family, improve a relationship, or work on anything that’s important it’s a lot like deadheading. You think you have cut out everything you need or can cut out. You think you have developed the perfect system to resolve a problem in your family. You are sure you have added or taken away something that will improve your relationships. You feel that you have explored all the options. Then you get a new perspective from a friend, a book, an article, a chance encounter with someone, and you see something that you have missed. You become able to jettison something in your schedule you didn’t think you could let go of, adjust a family system so it works better, or see something in the relationship that you can approach slightly differently to get a better outcome.

Good deadheading requires multiple perspectives as does running a successful life. I love deadheading because it is a quiet way of spending some alone time. So, I am focused. I’m not listening to a podcast or in any other way distracted. I move my fingers through the flowers, and I look very carefully for blooms that are spent. I’m experienced at this.

However, when I go to the other side or return to a flower bed later in the day, I know that despite my best efforts I will find spent blooms that I missed. It happens every single time. I can chalk it up as a failure to see, or that somehow, I am not paying enough attention, or I’m distracted, or that I just don’t care enough. I could allow myself to feel frustration at myself, the plant, the world, and how it works in general. I could beat myself up. I could stop enjoying this quiet, alone activity because it is never perfect. Never!

When I move to the other side of my hanging violas or walk around to the back side of my Columbines and see spent blooms or seed pods I missed I could ask myself, am I seeing these missed flowers or seeds because I finally stopped being a failure? Am I finally doing a decent job? Am I paying more attention? Am I less distracted? But I don’t allow myself to hold these feelings because all that happened was that I got a new perspective. I could see what I couldn’t see before.

As parents, when we miss something in a relationship or have a family system that we thought was perfect and it stops working, or our budget is a wreck, or we aren’t losing enough weight, or…the list goes on eternally, we can choose to berate ourselves or we can know that we are doing the best we can with what we have and go searching for what we may be missing.

Being a praying person, when I find myself at a loss as to why I am not better in some way, I begin by asking God for clarity, resources, strength, and grace. Just this week I reacted to my mom in a very unkind and childish way. I cried and told her I was sorry. Then I went to God and told him I was sorry. I asked what would cause me to respond in such a way. I sought clarity and thoughts came to my mind. I have continued to think and have received more thoughts. I am in the process of deadheading, giving away old stories and spent ways of being.

If I refrain from beating myself up for not doing something as well as I wanted to and instead seek information and resources to help me do better, then I will be given a new perspective. I will grow and in time, I will respond differently. I have lived this repeatedly and I know it’s true!

As I said, deadheading is a metaphor for life. We will fail. We will be unkind. We will miss things of importance. We will mess up in our family. It will happen. All that means is that you need a new perspective, information you do not now have. So, love yourself and your efforts. Speak kindly to yourself and extend grace as you learn and grow. Ask for help and then keep deadheading.