Category: Better living and Parenting

Solidify Family Relationships with Structure, Consistency, and Presence

Thirteen years ago, I had a wonderful evening with my eight-year-old friend, Hailey. It was successful because time had been set apart for the activity, it happened consistently so Hailey could count on it, and I was present. When we want to solidify relationships in our family these three ingredients make all the difference. I was 61 when I had this experience. Hailey was eight.

Here is the story.

In 2011, every Monday, for nine months, three young girls came to my home and spent the evening. Their mother was a busy nursing student, and I was helping her out. I read the girls a couple of chapters from a classic, while they did quiet activities on the floor, surrounded by a pile of pillows. Then we had a snack, whatever I had on hand, nothing fancy, and I read them the scriptures. We shared the same faith. That’s pretty much it, no bells, and whistles. It was a quiet and unhurried evening enjoying each other’s company. You wouldn’t think three children under twelve would find this enticing, but they did. They looked forward to it.

Sometimes their mom would forget because she had an online test or something like that. Her girls would scold her because they counted on coming over. On the night I am sharing, Vicky had a final and had forgotten to tell me or her girls. It wouldn’t have been a problem but Hailey, who lived downstairs and was in school with one of Vicky’s girls, had begun joining us. She had come twice. I thought both times that she would get bored and not come anymore, but she kept coming.

On this Monday night Hailey was at my door at 6:30 – “Are you having it tonight?” “Yes, we are. I talked to the girls yesterday and we are on. I will send one of them to get you at about 7:30”.

My friend, Hailey.

At 7:35 Hailey was at my door again. “Did they come?” “Gosh, it is time. I don’t know where they are. Let’s give them a call and see.” As I said, Vicky was taking a final and forgot. I looked at Haley and her disappointed face. I had been shampooing my carpets all day preparing for a parenting event in my home on Saturday. I wasn’t sorry to have the night off. I had a lot to do! Then I looked again at Hailey’s disappointed face.

“Well Hailey, they aren’t coming so let’s have an evening ourselves.” She enthusiastically nodded her head. We sat at the table and made paper Christmas chains. I thought as soon as we ran out of strips she would head home. While we worked, we talked about school, her friends, and the upcoming Christmas holiday. Actually, I listened and Hailey talked. : ) Then she said, “Well, aren’t you going to read?”

I read and we talked about the story, what was happening, and what we thought about it. Then she asked if we were going to read the scriptures. She knew right where we had left off. We ate Jordan almonds I had in the cupboard. I kept thinking she would get bored any time and want to go home. After all, I was 61 and the other girls weren’t there. She never did!

Let me reiterate the point of sharing this long-ago story.

Children, in fact, families, need structured together time, that happens consistently, where the adults are present.

Children like and need structure. And by the way, so do teens, even if they complain! They want to be able to count on family time. They want it to be consistent. They want you, your presence. That drew Hailey to my door, the structure of something she could look forward to, the consistency of having it happen, and me, listening, hearing, and responding. It was an evening I am glad I didn’t miss.

Create structured time for your family and then be consistent. Give your children something to count on. Maybe you can have a family activity night once a week or every other week. Possibly it’s a Sunday drive you take together. It might be your weekly family council. What about a game of football in the backyard on Saturday mornings? Maybe it’s skating or biking and occurs once a month. Possibly you go to the movie every other month. What and how often isn’t what matters. What matters is that it’s structured, happens consistently, and you are there, both body and spirit.

Don’t let school, work, or carpet cleaning come between you and getting to know and enjoy your children. Make a plan that can be counted on, then be present and solidify your most important relationships.

When your children are grown you will be glad you made the effort!

 

Why Not Have Some Fun Learning? It is Possible. Part 2

Two weeks ago, I shared a few examples of how useful and fun seeing and responding to your children’s Sparks can be. I explained sparks and how they can help you and your kids connect.

Last week I illustrated how you can Spark your kids and give them interesting and fun opportunities for learning. This week is more of the same. : )

I have written about sparks, kids, and the connection between the two for almost fifteen years. I’ve watched for and used sparks with my grands all that time.

When I switched from the homeschool community to the broader parenting community, I didn’t share this information as often. However, I LOVE using sparks and in the coming weeks, I will share more because the better you are at seeing your kids sparks and sparking them, the more fun, learning, and connection you will have in your home. It’s important to remember that what we think of as play can be, and is, learning for children and sometimes teens. : )

Last week I talked about doing a treasure hunt of my home and shared two activities we did from what I found in my kitchen. Today’s ideas are also from that kitchen list.

The first item on the kitchen list was cornstarch. I’ve used this medium with children for over 45 years. My kids, who are adults, LOVE this activity when we get together. We all pretend it’s for their kids, but we know the truth. LOL Unfortunately, when my children were small, I didn’t understand that learning could accompany fun. I didn’t know why cornstarch behaves the way it does, and the internet didn’t exist. Gaining information was more challenging. Now, the good Spark-seeing person I have become does internet sleuthing and you can too.

Corn Starch Quicksand, a Non-Newtonian Fluid. : )

Mix a box of cornstarch with water. When you mix cornstarch and water you want it to have the consistency of honey. One box of cornstarch takes approximately 1 to 2 cups of water. You will have to work a bit to get the consistency right.

When mixed you can teach your kids a few things. Have them sink their hands into the bowl of “cornstarch quicksand” and notice its unusual consistency. Compare what it feels like to move your hand around slowly and quickly. You can’t move your hand very fast! The faster you move your hand, the more solid the cornstarch becomes.

Sink your entire hand into the goo and try to grab the fluid and pull it up. That’s the sensation of sinking in quicksand! Skim your finger on top of the cornstarch mixture. What do you notice? Grab a fist full and squeeze. What happens? Release the pressure on the concoction in your hand. Now what happens? Roll the fluid between your palms to make a ball.

The cornstarch and water mixture acts like both a solid and a liquid. This concoction is an example of a suspension – a mixture of two substances, one of which is finely divided and dispersed in the other. In the case of the cornstarch quicksand, it’s a solid, cornstarch,  dispersed in a liquid, water.

Viscosity is how easily a liquid will flow. Water and honey are both liquids, but they flow differently. Sir Isaac Newton said that viscosity is a function of temperature. If you heat honey, it flows better than when it’s cold. The cornstarch and water mixture is an example of a non-Newtonian fluid because the viscosity changes when force is applied, not when heat is applied. Don’t you feel smart now? LOL

How To Use This Project With Your Family

Let’s say you have children ages, 2, 5, 9, and 15. Put a box of cornstarch unopened in a bowl. Put an index card with a link for information in the bowl. Place a children’s book about Sir Isaac Newton next to the bowl. Add a book on quicksand or swamps. Have a bag of small plastic animals, including those that live in swampy areas. Provide the recipe for how to make “cornstarch quicksand”.

When your family gathers for the activity, someone may ask “Mom what is this”? The best answer is “Cornstarch, check it out”. Then wait! Let them look at the recipe. Some will grab the books. Explain that they are going to make some cornstarch quicksand. Direct them when they need help. Let them experiment with it. Don’t stress over the outcome. Have fun.

When you are done making a delightful mess with the cornstarch, they may look at the books, ask you to read them, or not be interested till the next day, when they find them on the coffee table. Share your thoughts right then or have a dinner conversation later. You have been a student yourself and so when they ask you why or how it does what it does you can share what you have learned, or you can take them on a journey and help them discover the answers.

Have a conversation. Let it go where it goes without a preplanned agenda. They may want to take the cornstarch to the sandbox and make a swamp with plants and animals. Let them. (Add a few drops of food color for more fun)

While the older kids are making quicksand and experimenting with it, pour some liquid cornstarch on the table and let your 2-year-old and 5-year-old play. Because of the viscosity issue, you can add a spoon, plastic knife, fork, etc. because they can be used to harden the mixture.

For another family activity use pudding or a cookie recipe. As before, play, and don’t forget to lick your fingers. Talk about why the pudding doesn’t act like the cornstarch. It is, after all a more Newtonian fluid.

Another time make cornstarch play dough or use pre-made play dough depending on the ages and interests of your children. See the recipes below. On the website you will find recipes. 

Clean-up Is Easy

Cornstarch dries and can be vacuumed up like any powder and if some is left take a damp cloth to it. The cornstarch and water will separate so don’t pour it in your sink, as it can cause a clog. If saved for later play, put it into a zip lock bag. That’s also how to dispose of it. When using pudding and some of the other ideas prepare for some mess. As you know, sparks are usually the thing that is bugging you or making a mess. LOL There are many ways to use cornstarch over a few days, weeks, or months.

More Cornstarch Uses For Interest and Fun.

1. You can let children sprinkle cornstarch all over the carpets. For easy sprinkling pour
the cornstarch into an old parmesan cheese container or a large spice shaker. Let it sit
for thirty minutes while you read a story to them and then let them help vacuum it up.
They will have fun and you will have fresh-smelling carpets.
2. If you have a dog your kids will love this. Use the same shakers. Let the kids sprinkle
Fido and then brush it out for a fresh-smelling pooch.
3. Mix it with water for glue.
4. Make finger paint by boiling ¼ c. cornstarch in 2 cups of water. Add a few drops of food
color. Cool.
5. Make face paint by mixing 2 parts cornstarch with one part vegetable shortening and then
add some food color. Get a book on face painting from the library. You could also add a
book on the History of Clowns with great pictures. Maybe you can find someone in your area
who is a part-time clown or juggler and invite them to your home to share with your
children. When my son was eleven, he took clowning lessons from a neighbor and did
little shows at nursing homes. He learned to juggle and had a ball.

Can you see how much fun your children will have learning about a new substance, all from utilizing a spark that you light a fire under? So, treasure hunt your house. You may find a spark worth lighting for exceptional family fun.

RECIPES

Cornstarch Playdough
2 c. white flour
1 c. salt
½ c. cornstarch
1 Tb. Alum
1 Tb. Oil
2 c. colored water

Put all dry ingredients in a large pan and stir together well. Add all liquid ingredients and stir well. Place on low heat stirring constantly until it looks like clay. You will be able to tell. Take it out of the pan and knead. Keep the playdough in a closed container. Alum is a must-have ingredient. Buy it in any grocery store in the spice aisle. It is a drying agent and keeps the dough from becoming sticky. This will keep a long time if kept in an air-tight container. You can use baby oil, cooking oil, or glycerin. Eventually, the cooking oil will go rancid but usually, the clay has been played into oblivion long before that. Baby oil will scent the clay.

Edible Playdough
1 ¼ c. dry powdered milk
1 c. peanut butter
1 c. cornstarch
1 ¼ c. powdered sugar

Mix dry milk and peanut butter. Add sugar and cornstarch. Knead till smooth.
Store in an airtight container until all gone, and that shouldn’t take too many days!

Mexican Wedding Cookies
1 ½ c. cornstarch
1 ½ c. powdered sugar
3 c. flour
3 sticks of butter, softened
½ to 1 c. finely chopped walnuts or pecans

Mix ingredients. I use my hands as that works best. This is right up your child’s alley! The dough will appear to be dry and crumbly sometimes. Just remember the cool aspects of cornstarch. Take some in your hand, squeeze, and press it until you have a ball about the size of a walnut. Place it on a cookie sheet and bake at 400 degrees for 10-12 minutes. Roll warm cookies in powdered sugar. Let them cool just enough so they don’t fall apart. These are very tender cookies when they are hot. This is one of my favorite cookies!

One thing we don’t do enough is play as a family.
As you learn to utilize Sparks they will help you create family fun.

Why Not Have Some Fun While Learning? It is Possible.

Last week I shared a few examples of how useful and fun seeing and responding to your children’s Sparks can be.

Let’s quickly review what a Spark is.

What Is a Spark

A Spark is anything that a child says or does that lets you know they’re interested in something right now.

But to engage our kids and help them learn new things we don’t need to wait for their Sparks. When it comes to learning, we can spark them and then watch a fire of interest take hold. It’s a fine way to engage as a family and to show our children that learning can be fun.

As a reminder, we see Sparks best when we’re Present with our kids. Being Present is hard to do when we’re stuck in family management or technology.

In 2020, during COVID-19, school resumed in August for two days a week. Some online school happened but this left a lot of unstructured time. It was difficult for parents and children. I wrote an article about The Spark Station, a tool I had taught to homeschool families years before. The article illustrated how getting kids interested in learning something new would work for any parent, regardless of how their children were educated. At the time, the Spark Station was a closet shelf or container with interesting items inside.

After that article, time passed and the Spark Station grew to include the whole house, not just a closet shelf. I showed parents how to treasure hunt their homes because our homes are filled with items that interest children. With a bit of thought and new eyes, as you tour each room in your home, you will see what you haven’t seen before. That knowledge prepares you for cool family nights and a child’s boring Saturday afternoon.

With only what you find in your home, you can give your children experiences that teach them that learning doesn’t need to be boring but can happen in fun and exciting ways, anywhere. This is useful for children to experience and internalize so they won’t become stagnant in their desire to learn as they become busy adults.

When I did a treasure hunt of my home, I found exciting items in my kitchen. I used them with my grands and we had a ball connecting and learning together.

From My Kitchen List

As I opened every cupboard and closet, I noticed items I had seen used in interesting ways and I wrote them on my list. The fourth item was assorted macaroni, peas, dried beans, and lentils. I had helped my children create wonderful collages and works of art back in the day. The collage photo at the top of this article was created by my youngest daughter Kate when she was a pre-teen. Yes, she was that old. She spent a lot of time on it. This piece hangs in my kitchen today and is over twenty years old. It often surprises me what a preteen or teen will engage in when it’s part of a family event. A few years ago, we did this activity at our family reunion. You would have been surprised to see how many children, youth, and adults became involved.

A collage could include newspaper clippings, ribbon, bits of colored paper, portions of other artwork, photographs, a piece of moss, and other found objects, glued to a piece of paper or canvas. Here is how the learning part works: While everyone is engaged you share information like this – You know, a collage is a work of formal art, made by assembling different things to create something new. You could then show some works of art by famous people on your computer or phone. Here are some artists that have done collages; Pablo Picasso, Georges Braque, Juan Gris, Henri Matisse, and Cecil Touchon.

When I googled “children’s collages” a magnificent array of great work by children came up. It would be worth printing some in color to show your children what wonderful things they could make.

Remember the admonition to let children “do”. We are often invested in how it looks when finished so we help our kids too much. We want the pictures on the walls so that they are aesthetically pleasing. Your child may not care about that. Maybe they want it at their eye level or in an odd place. If it is in their room, why not let that go? Are you interested in being in “House Beautiful” or allowing your children to think, decide, and experience, in other words, learn?

More Items On My Kitchen List

The second and third items on my kitchen list were soda and vinegar. Most of you have probably seen or heard of making a volcano by mixing soda and vinegar. One family I know made a wonderful bubbling swamp. They had a great time but when the kids asked why it did what it did no one was prepared to answer. Parents need to be students too. You can find information on just about anything on the internet.

If part of our purpose in family activities is to engender learning while having fun, then we need to be able to answer questions or lead our kids to find the answers for themselves. If we’re in a project and there aren’t any questions, we can engage in conversation. Ask questions – Do you know what I discovered…Can you believe…How do you think that happened…What do you think would happen if…and so forth. That’s why we need to stay present; that is what makes a family activity a learning activity.

I helped some of my grands make a volcano and I had to do some homework, so I knew what caused the reaction. I was able to give them interesting bits of information. Not only was the project fun, but they also liked knowing the whys.

If this activity Sparks one of your children, there are other ways that you can see this chemical reaction happen. You can help them chase their new spark. 

1. Vinegar & Baking Soda Foam Fight
2. Build a Volcano 
3. Propelling a Rocket
4. Make a Bubble Bomb 

In the volcano project, as an example, we could increase learning by having a book on Pompeii handy, maybe some pictures and articles on the Mount St. Helens eruption, or the eruption in Iceland in 2010.

If you have older children, they might be interested in seeing a Periodic Table. Help them write out what the chemical reaction would look like using the table. I couldn’t remember what the Periodic Table was called so I typed “chemistry chart” in the search bar and voila! Let me also say that I never took chemistry, but that didn’t stop me from introducing my grands to it. I can learn what I need via the Internet!

Do you see how a few simple items and a bit of thought and time can give your children opportunities for wonder, fun, and learning?

This photo is of my grands making their volcano on the patio. Their ages ranged from four to around nine. However, I also helped a grand over twelve do something similar for a school project and another for a science fair event. Age isn’t the indicator of whether children or youth will engage. It’s more about who is joining them, the level of Presence of the adults involved, and fun in the learning.

Use your family time or a boring Saturday afternoon to help your children experience the joy of learning by responding to or creating a Spark.

It will pay dividends in their adult lives.

Listening and Responding to Children and Their Sparks

My hairdresser, Emily, works out of her home. Most of the kids are in school but she has one little guy who is four and still at home during the day. We have fun conversations.

The last time I was there he brought me two green balloons which he held close together in his hands. He asked me if I knew what they were. I said, “Sure, they’re green balloons.” He laughed and replied, “No they are butt cheeks.” His mom was a bit mortified, but I grinned and told her about a friend of mine and her experience with the whole poop, snot, blood, and butt cheeks thing.

Hana had heard me speak about Sparks and remembered that when we recognize them, we teach, bond, and are Present with our kids, rather than frustrated, embarrassed, or angry at whatever they are doing. Here is the fun email I received from Hana years ago when her boys were still small.

Hi MaryAnn, I just picked up my five books at the library last night. One of the books I picked up is about the human body and burps (lol! yes, two boys in my family) and I was following a spark! Their obsession with bodily functions is hilarious and they are wondering why these things happen! What fun! (funny! is more like it!) Anyways, I will keep you posted! Thanks so much for your wisdom…really and truly. Luvs, Hana

As time went on Hana shared with me what recognizing this spark accomplished in her home with her sons.

  • She returned to the library and checked out all the interesting books she found on urine, blood, gas, snot, etc.
  • For a month, her boys were deeply interested and pored over the books with her and with each other.
  • They talked with her and her husband. They wanted to know how their bodies worked.
  • They had interesting dinner conversations. LOL
  • They drew bodies and tracked bodily functions in them. How does a burp go from the top of you to the bottom of you?

When our kids are burping, most of us say, “Stop that, it’s rude,” because we are in a box, so to speak. We can only see the need to teach manners and help our kids not be rude. But once we begin to see differently, we say to ourselves, “Oh my gosh, this is a terrific opportunity.” Isn’t that what you’re looking for as a parent, an opportunity to have joy with your children and to connect with them in fun and interesting ways?

When I told Emily about Hana and her boys she said, “Man, that’s what I need.” LOL I am sure it will help her deal with the green butt cheeks. Gotta love kids!

I have written, spoken, and taught this concept of Sparks to hundreds of parents. Today, I want to review two other enlightening and very different Spark experiences that my friend Leah had with her children. Before going there, let me answer the question, what is a spark?

A Spark is anything a child says or does that lets you know they’re interested in something right now. Often they are the things that bug us or make a mess. : )

EXPERIENCE 1

Leah had dug some dirt in her yard to plant flowers. Before she could get that done the family took a short trip. When they got home, her kids discovered the dirt. They began to play in this spot daily and called it the water game.

They made mud, built cities, created a mine, dug for artifacts, and had a blast all summer. Eventually, there was a four-foot hole in their front yard. You and I might have had a fit and put a stop to all the messy foolishness, but Leah had learned a lot about Presence and Sparks. She went with the flow.

At dinner, they would talk about the water game and all they had done and learned during the day. Mom, Dad, and neighbors would come out and ask what was happening, and the children and their friends were happy to share.

Leah’s family had amazing Present moments together in a situation that could have created serious contention. Instead, the parents saw a Spark and used it to have mini-conversations and a lot of fun with their kids. They valued the relationship over a perfect front yard.

Here’s what Leah had to say:

“I’m so grateful for the shift in my thought process or I would have missed out on an incredibly magical summer (and fall). Now I have a hole so deep they can stand in it to their chests. The crater in my yard will last a few months whereas the memories will last forever.”

STORY 2

Leah had another advantageous Spark moment with her oldest son. He was eight at the time. Miles was in love with rocks and left them all over the house. They were in the dryer, on the floor, in his pockets, everywhere. It was very annoying and frustrating and had become a point of contention between mother and son.

One day Leah realized this was a Spark and an opportunity to get Present with Miles. She asked him, “Miles will you tell me all about your rocks?” He did for the next hour. Leah, like you, had a million other things to do, but she cleared her mind and actively listened.

Later, she helped Miles design a simple system for displaying his precious rocks. The result was that Miles, Leah, and the whole family had many activities and conversations in the following year, all based on Miles’s love of rocks. It was fun and afforded his parents many opportunities to be Present and enjoy their children.

As you can see knowing what interests your kids now, what is sparking them, is powerful!

Here is quick review of how to see and respond to your children’s Sparks.

HOW TO SEE SPARKS

A. Be Present. Do you want to know the number one way to see and hear your child’s Sparks? BE PRESENT. When we’re Present in all the mundane moments of a family’s day, we will see and hear what we’ve missed up until now.

It’s hard to see a Spark if your head is filled with another agenda or you’re totally engrossed in your technology. It’s hard to see if you’re trying to avoid becoming involved or prevent a mess.

You can’t see if you’re so busy working that the Spark appears to be an irritation or problem.

B. Ask good questions. You can jump-start your ability to see your children’s Sparks by asking yourself questions:

  • What activity do you have to make them stop doing to get them to eat or go to sleep?
  • What activity are they doing when they seem most engaged and alive?
  • When they choose what to do on a free afternoon, what activity do they choose?
  • What did they love to do when they were three years old? Five years old?
  • What are they currently doing that bugs you?
  • What do they do that’s making a mess?
  • What do they collect?

C. Have mini-conversations.

  • Share your Sparks and they may share theirs
  • Say “You’re very good at this…”
  • Say “You seem interested in this…”
  • Say “This appears to make you happy/excited…”
  • Ask “Have you ever thought of….”
  • Say “I had a great day today…”
  • At dinner ask, “What was the best part of your day?” and have each person share

Notice what comes up over and over again in their answers and their conversations. Pay attention to what interests your children even if it doesn’t interest you. When you do it bonds your family, strengthens your relationships, assists in great conversations and family activities, and helps your kids learn.

So, pay attention. What is sparking your child right now?

A Five-Year Lesson

When I lived in Montana with seven children, I was a busy mother. You’re smiling because you know exactly what I mean. A family, regardless of its size, is a handful; lots of cooking, laundry, cleaning, driving people here and there, and so forth. I look back and wonder how in the world I did it all.

I have also pondered how I managed with so little connection to other women. I had my church friends. I had my school band club friends. I had friends when I was a Girl Scout Leader. I had friends that I taught community classes with.

What I had very little of were face-to-face, heart-to-heart connections, where you sit down, breathe together, and confide in each other. There are reasons for this. I am a leader, but I am also a loner. I like to get in there, get it done, and then I want to be alone. I made the choice to work and manage on my own because I felt I could. I didn’t think about how to fit these types of connections into my life because I didn’t think they were important, and I was busy!

These facts matter because they triggered the Five-Year Lesson. I am being upfront when I tell you the lesson is not finished. I know there are more levels, but I am less wary of what may come than when the lesson first began. I wondered if I should share this unfinished story with you, but then decided that it isn’t imperative to have traveled the whole road to share the sights along the way.

I know intellectually that face-to-face, heart-to-heart friendships matter, but as I said, I felt I didn’t need that. I should have known better because I had a couple of experiences in the early years of my parenting that illustrated otherwise; that I wasn’t going to manage my whole life on my own. I was going to need a real connection to others.

EXPERIENCE 1

In Colorado, in the early years of parenting, I had the kind of friends I mentioned above. At that time, I was deep in postpartum depression. I had a 3-year-old and a nine-month-old.

At some point, I recall kneeling and pleading for a friend, someone I could tell how I felt and the dark thoughts I was having, someone I could trust and who would help me turn on the light. That same week, as I mingled with my church friends, I saw a woman I knew and liked. I had the feeling she was the friend I had prayed for. I went home and pondered the situation. It took me over two months to call and invite her to my home.

We had a simple lunch with kids running all over the place. We talked and laughed. I felt lighter and happy. It was an amazing experience. We began to get together once a week. Our association made a difference for me, and I started to get a handle on my thoughts and feelings. She didn’t judge me, just loved me.

EXPERIENCE 2

We then moved to Montana. After a couple of years, one of my church friends began reaching out to me. She was persistent. She dropped by. She called. I wasn’t reaching back. I had five kids by then and as I mentioned, I was a busy person. But Linda never gave up. Maybe she needed what I had needed in Colorado.

One day I had a strong feeling to stop at her home as I returned from an errand. It was out of the way, but the feeling was strong, so I did. The rest is history, as they say. We became dear friends and spoke on the phone regularly for almost twenty years. We supported one another as we discussed books, the scriptures, values, our marriages, community happenings, and raising our children.

Despite being shown the value and necessity of face-to-face and heart-to-heart relationships, the kind that requires space and time, I did not take the lesson to heart. When I left Montana and moved to Utah I carried on as before. For context, know that I have been in Utah for over twenty years.

Five years ago, I began feeling I needed to form a few of these relationships. This was the thought, “Mary, you need a few friends. You need to make time for them and yourself. You can’t wait until life slows down. Do it now!”

I wasn’t interested. My husband’s health was poor and my mother, in her late eighties, with dementia, had come to live with us. I had given up my profession as a mentor and speaker because I lived in a four-generation home, helping to care for my special needs granddaughter, and was far too busy for that type of friend. I was content with my church friends and an occasional talk over the garden fence. So, despite the clear feelings, I ignored them for two years.

The feeling persisted. I would pull up the story I had been telling myself for years, that when Don was gone, and I was old and alone I would have time for those kinds of friends. Frankly, this was the story I had been telling myself since I began parenting. It was one reason I felt God gave me those two experiences, so I would put that story down. But I hadn’t.

Eventually, a new thought emerged, “If you wait it will be too late.” What did that mean? I had no idea. I pondered the idea for months. Then I began to get a glimpse of what I was being taught. The two experiences I have shared came back to my mind. I remembered how much those women had helped me, and I had helped them. I began to see, to have clarity.

Caregiving, whether it is for the ill, those with dementia, or raising children, is stressful. Being with someone you can trust, who listens, and to whom you can listen, mitigate that stress. It can lift a spirit and heart. It makes a difference.

Did you know that 30-40% of those who care for an ill family member or someone with dementia die before those they care for? I knew these statistics and they concerned me. I wasn’t ignorant of the fact that if I continued to wait to implement time to relax, breathe, laugh, and rejuvenate I could become one of those.

Most of you are not full-time caregivers, but you are caring for kids, a spouse, etc. I know from my research that the stress from parenting takes a toll on your mental and physical health, maybe not in the short term but in the long term, in the loss of memory, health, etc.

Finding a way to fit a few consistently practiced heart-to-heart and face-to-face connections into your life, at whatever stage you are in, matters.

With this new clarity, I wondered how I could make it work. I still didn’t want to do it, but I knew my health and happiness were at stake, and I was grateful that God would reach out to me a second time. I am sure he knew I had grown and was finally ready to learn.

I cast my thoughts to the last place we had lived before moving to our current home in West Point. It was about an hour away, in Kearns. I had a church friend, Anne, who I enjoyed talking with. We had things in common. She taught special needs kids and I have a special needs granddaughter. We had connected a few times via Facebook in the years since I moved. I got brave, overcame my loner mentality, and asked her if she would like to meet with me. She suggested lunch. Yikes, the dreaded lunch, too much time and money! LOL I said OK. We each drive 30 minutes to meet in a central place.

I hadn’t planned on a second lunch, but while eating I thought this was the place to begin following the prompting I had been having for over two years. We scheduled a lunch for every 3 months. We have both enjoyed it!

Then I began thinking about my friend, Linda, in Montana. She doesn’t do Facebook or text, so I called. We now have a phone conversation once every three months.

Over the last three years, I have set up calls every three months with several other friends who I met in different arenas of my life. This may not seem like much for over five years, but remember it took me two years to understand why I felt the need to make this change.  I needed to add them one at a time to test the waters.

Recently, I added two more friends. It began with Alysia, a younger mom from my speaking days. She reached out last year, and we had a great conversation. It ended with her saying, “Let’s do this again.” Months passed. I had it on my daily worksheet to call her back. It didn’t happen. Finally, I reached out and we decided to walk together one morning. After the walk, we decided to walk together once a month. Wow, I had gone from once every three months to once a month. Progress. : )

Then a second young mother that I love, Livia, was in a class I had decided to attend with my husband and my mom. After the class, she and I talked and laughed. It was wonderful. In that conversation, she discovered that Alysia and I were walking once a month. They are also friends. She suggested that we all walk together a few days a week. What! But it seemed like a good thing, so we have given it a try. It has been good for me!

Let me be transparent and honest here. It matters to the lesson.

I have a daily schedule I use to manage my busy, people-filled days. In the beginning, when one of these scheduled events showed up on my calendar, I would feel bugged. I don’t have time for this! I sometimes struggled not to cancel. I didn’t look forward to the event with anticipation or excitement. It was just another thing on my list. During the event, I had a great time, but these feelings would surface the next time around. I know this seems lame, but this is truly where I was. However, I persisted.

The New Twist

On our first walk together Livia and I talked about the feelings around adding things to an already weighty daily list. She said, “What if you considered it a ‘joyful anticipation’?” I have taken that to heart. I have spent time rewriting my story about the value of face-to-face friends in my days and when I should make that happen.

In fact, I had to drive one hour today to have lunch with my old high school friends. I have been up to my neck in canning this week. I still have pears and apples to do. But when I saw it on the schedule, I didn’t feel that old worry that this was going to take the better part of my day, which it did,  and I had so much to do. I looked forward to it. I felt joyful anticipation.

This also happened today with my morning walk, which was a bit delayed because when you walk with others you sometimes need to be flexible. Another perk of this five-year lesson. : )

How is it working out?

I have learned what “If you wait it will be too late,” means. I have good self-care practices that I have been using daily for years. However, the stress in my life as a caregiver has increased. They aren’t always enough. It has felt like parenting seven kids with a husband on the road, again. LOL So having relationships that help relieve stress is a must.

What I have put into place in the last three years is making a huge difference and I am proud of myself for staying the course, doing the hard thing, and seeing the results!

So, what have I taken away from this Five-Year Lesson?

My Five-Year Lesson Take Aways

1. Wherever we are in life, we need heart-to-heart and face-to-face connections. We need them NOW, not later when we have more time, fewer kids at home, less hours at work, or are old and alone, etc.
2. These types of relationships need to be worked into our lives. They happen when we are intentional and consistent. We must plan or it won’t happen.
3. Feel joyful anticipation. This is a choice. Remind yourself why you are doing this.
4. These planned and consistent encounters can and will make a difference in our mental, emotional, and physical health, both now and long term.
5. You do not need a lot of these types of friends. One can be enough if you connect consistently. However, having a few is always good.
6. These kinds of friendships take time and effort. Begin. Don’t wait. Put your safety net in place now.
7. It will be worth the effort!

If I can learn this lesson, so can you! We will all be healthier and happier for it.

An Enlightening Response to ‘Are You Afraid to Read Hard Books?’

On March 3, 2024, I published an article titled Are You Afraid to Read Hard Books?  While preparing today’s article I reread it and thought, “How did you write this.” Go ahead and laugh. It happens all the time. But when you feel passionate about something, thoughts and words come. It is an amazing thing.

This is one reason I encourage people to journal. I have reread things in my journal that blew my mind. Not only because they may have been well written, but the things that have happened in my life have been astonishing, when looked at later. But I digress. LOL

After that article was published, I got a wonderful email from one of my readers, who is also a dear friend. We have counseled together in the past and I appreciate her so much.

I get emails regularly telling me how good an article was or how helpful it was to the reader. This email contained some of that. What struck me though was another thing that happens now and then. Someone takes what I have written, and they build upon it! This is massively motivating for me.

I asked Joy if I could share her thoughts with you because what she has done with family reading is magnificent. I think that some of you will want to follow suit, in some fashion.

I have written several articles on the value of family reading. I read to my children, but I lacked consistency back then. Nevertheless, one of my adult daughters said one of her fondest memories was of me reading to our family.

What I love about Joy’s take on family reading, it encourages everyone to read, not just listen.

Here is her email:

Mary Ann, thanks for emphasizing the importance and power of communicating with others about what you’re reading. We discuss this all the time in Leadership Education circles–the importance of discussion and good mentoring for great literature, like the kind you were talking about. This is demonstrated in your examples of how discussing those books with other people changed your experience.

Another great way to gain more from what we read is to process it through writing. (You demonstrate this principle very well too!) As you mentioned, we can write notes and underline in our books, but we can also journal and write essays or blog posts that we can share with others. It’s another way of processing and internalizing the principles and lessons we learn in the books we read. This tool applies to reading scriptures as well. When we process and record our thoughts, questions, and insights through writing, we learn more and internalize and remember it better!

Audrey Rindlisbacher has a great podcast about the power of book clubs,  or discussion groups, like the one Benjamin Franklin organized. I shared it with my grown children, and it inspired many of them to join me in starting an online family book club where we discuss a book about once a month. Our first book was the Screwtape Letters, and our discussion was great and I’m excited to see how well we can keep it up. I can’t think of many things better than discussing great books with my family! Joy Petty

It never occurred to me to have a family book club. I mean, that is an outstanding idea. At first, I thought, “Oh man, our family would never do that.” Then I chastised myself for jumping to that conclusion and reached out to my children to see if there was any interest. I probably won’t have many responses before this article is published, but we will see.

Maybe you, like me, dismiss the whole idea. But don’t. If you have teens or grown children, ask them if they would like to read a book individually or as a family and discuss it. At the very least begin reading together, even if you do the reading.

Depending on the ages of your children, you can read to them or each person in your family can take a turn reading. At the end of each session ask for input. I didn’t do that, and I know now that it would have made the reading I did with my children even more powerful.

If you have older teens and adult children why not explore the option of a family book club? Who knows, it may be a big hit. Even if it only lasts through one or two books, and that could happen, the whole experience will bond you even more as a family.

And by the way, when you read and study yourself, you will be a powerful example for your family. It will have an impact. If not now, then in the future.

Now for the postscript:

After I asked Joy if I could share this email and she consented, we talked some more. I replied to Joy and shared my concerns about a book club and why I read to my husband and Mom rather than us all reading.

“This was so awesome. Can I share it in a newsletter? Great thoughts and I love that you have begun a family book club. I wish that were possible in my family. Lots of kids who do not read, mostly boys and my husband. I read to him, but it can’t be too deep, or he sleeps. LOL Anyway, I would love to share your thoughts.”

Joy replied with this, and it was so heartening. I suspect that is one reason I contacted my family to see what they think. : )

“I have several kids who don’t (or won’t) read either :-). We’re encouraging them to listen to the audiobook so they can participate. The book club is totally voluntary, and fewer than half of my 10 kids participated in our first discussion, but that’s okay. It’s a start, right? :-)”

Joy is correct, it is a start. Even if it doesn’t last for months or years, it will bless her family. If we make the effort to read in our family, in some fashion, it will bless our families too. I have seen this happen in my choppy, inconsistent past in my family.

I know it is true. : )

Switiching From Windows 10 to Windows 11. My Take Away!

I Don’t Like Change.

This has caused me some consternation as I have moved along life’s highway. Do you realize how much has changed since I was born in 1950!! It wasn’t such a big issue until I became an adult and technology exploded.

I can still recall our first computer. I was in my forties. It practically filled the small desk we had. I helped a friend with a project and sometimes I would sit in my chair so stumped I wanted to cry.

 

Now I am seventy-four and technology has taken wings. One thing that bugs me more than I can say is when I finally learn how to use a program or platform it changes. I know they do this for marketing and to stay relevant, but it throws me for a loop every time.

 

Even when using technology I’m reasonably familiar with, I occasionally have to stop and do some research. I google how to do this or that. Then I work to follow the directions which are often in Greek. I am not kidding here; it seems like Greek. Often I can work it out and feel a sense of relief and pride that I didn’t give up and can move forward with my project.

 

Sometimes I need to find someone who knows how to do what I don’t know how to do. Rarely, do I go to a store and get help. More often, I reach out to someone in my circle of friends or acquaintances that I know is good with tech. Almost always they can show me what I am missing and guide me to success. I’m always grateful.

 

Occasionally, no matter how diligently I try to follow directions or figure something out by myself I need to stop and pray because no matter how I have tried it isn’t clear to me. “God, what am I not seeing because I have clicked every button there is and it still isn’t working,” or something to that effect. Guess what. Almost always I have a thought to do this or that which resolves the problem. Sometimes I don’t know what I did and couldn’t repeat the process. LOL I need this help from outside of myself and it is a relief to know I am not on my own all the time.

 

A few weeks ago, I was forced to switch from Windows 10 to Windows 11. I know, you can’t believe I was still using Windows 10. I wasn’t willing to change because I didn’t want to have to figure out a new system. I was content with what I knew. But Windows 10 wasn’t going to be supported after a certain date. I had to move! I wasn’t happy about it. Weren’t things going just fine as they were? The whole idea freaked me out.

 

After the change, I did have problems. Some pages looked different. Menus were not the same. A couple of things required that I get my daughter involved and once a grandson. : ) But after a week I noticed how well I had adjusted and it felt as comfortable as the old 10 did. There were perks I didn’t know I was missing. I’m glad I made that scary change. Sometimes we have to be forced into that place. : )

 

This is how it is in parenting and life. We have to learn new ways as we go along, and it can feel hard and scary. But if we don’t panic or refuse to grow, we can do it. It is better to choose to make progress than to be forced into progress. : )

 

You can’t work with an eight-year-old as you did when they were two. It takes a new set of skills to talk to and direct an eleven-year-old than it does a sixteen-year-old. How you manage chores often stops working and you need to experiment with something new. Awesome relationships may suddenly be strained, and you aren’t sure what happened, when did the train go off the rails? We lose jobs and must find new ones. Maybe our current skill set needs a reboot. Possibly one of our children has taken a different path than we have designed for our family. Now what?

 

Sometimes our past surfaces and we find ourselves triggered, but we don’t know what triggered us or what to do about it. Has a child turned their back on you or the family? Are they suddenly distant? As our children grow, we might find we are unable to maintain our position with them. How do you work that out? Maybe a family member begins to show signs of anxiety or mental health issues. What, I am not prepared for that!

 

Life and parenting are not a straight and smooth road. I have walked both for decades always thinking it would get easier. It hasn’t. I returned to school when I was in my forties, with a seventh baby. My husband changed his profession a couple of times. I’m always called on to make personal changes, improve my way of being, and take responsibility for my responses. I must keep reevaluating relationships as my children grow and become parents and now, grandparents. No, the road never became straight or smooth, but by using what I learned as I went along, I didn’t just manage but thrived.

 

You can do the same. It will require work, purpose, and intention.

 

Here are a few things that have helped me along the way.

 

1. When you recognize that something isn’t working know it will require change and possibly information/resources you don’t yet have. Don’t panic. 

2.  You will need to take responsibility for your part of whatever the issue is and lay blame aside.    Blame is usually an indicator that our perspective is off, or our story is incorrect. 

3. When something has been working in your life or family and suddenly isn’t working, STOP. Be willing to look carefully at what has changed and experiment with something new. Ask yourself good questions and give yourself honest answers. It can feel aggravating, but nothing stays the same, things change. This will happen even if what was working was wonderful. Let your aggravation go and move forward.

4. Even when things are still working, you may need a reboot, so it continues to work well. If it feels like something is off, it probably is. Seek information and adjust.

5. Be open to whatever resources/information are required. I cannot tell you how many classes and books I have taken/read in the last forty years. It took me ten years to realize that I needed to grow and change how I viewed the world, children, and relationships, but once I jumped that hurdle, I ran down the track. I have used what I learned. I have grown as a person. I have become better. I have adjusted my way of being. It has all mattered!

 

I reached out to women and a few men when I needed guidance. I picked people who were where I felt I needed to be, whether how they managed chores or a relationship, how they worked through disappointment or grief, or how they upgraded their skills or managed their money.

 

Be willing to accept mentoring or counseling if needed. Last year I had to work on something in my relationship with Don. We had been married 52 years! I visited with a counselor three times. She helped me consider questions I hadn’t thought to ask myself. It made all the difference.

 

As you know I am a praying woman. This is not my last resort. I begin and end with it and use it often in the middle. Frankly, this has been the most reliable and useful tool in my ‘life’ toolbox, and I recommend it to you when you don’t know where else to turn or what else to do. It has never failed me.

 

If you are looking for help/resources, you will find them.

 

Making changes can be challenging just like using new technology, but if you trust yourself and avoid panic or blame, if you ask honest questions and give honest answers, stay the course, and seek reliable resources and information, you will get the help you need. You will be able to travel this road of life and parenting with greater success even if you are imperfect, and you are.

 

Remember that it took me ten years after I began living as an adult and parent to realize I needed to grow and change. Despite my slow start and the years it took to change, I did. My family suffered bumps and bruises, while I grew and became better. However, my children took my less-than-stellar example and have moved forward. They are growing and becoming better and have done it faster than I did. We are still here.

 

So, embrace change. Be willing to accept that you need to learn and grow. Manage the frustration that comes with change. Seek the help you need.

 

Don’t stay stuck in Windows 10 when you could have the perks of Windows 11! And don’t remain stuck in life or parenting. Be unafraid and willing to do the work to move forward.

Why Take a Technology Break and Is It Even Possible?

In our world, we’re so used to having technology always with us that it’s challenging to be without it for even a short time. Technology, as wonderful as it is, can be a two-edged sword. 

I have written several articles on using, abusing, and letting go of technology. I have experimented with this myself.  A recent email I received has me thinking about it again.

Before I share the email, I want to share some of my experiences with technology, managing it, and not being managed by it. This has required that I commit to taking technology breaks.

When I suggest technology breaks, I realize the difficulty I am asking. The younger you are, the more difficult it seems, because you grew up with it. It came to me later in life. Nevertheless, it hasn’t been easy to learn to manage technology and take breaks. But because of my own experience and witnessing that of others, I know that when people take technology breaks, they feel more in control and rested.  They remain more attentive to their children. They are less prone to angry responses. Parenting, running a business, or caregiving for others all require focus and presence. We need to pay attention and technology can distract us from what matters most. 

I dislike getting behind, so daily I check and clean my email. I quickly go through my Instagram and Facebook messages when I make my daily post. I don’t scroll unless I am waiting in a doctor’s office, I don’t have the time. But I, like all of you, must manage myself very carefully.  It’s easy to get caught up in scrolling, game-playing, texting, etc. Taking an occasional break from my phone, the computer, television, etc. helps me not give up too much time to technology, especially social media.

Another thing that can be hard when taking technology breaks is the feeling that you’ll miss something or be out of the loop. This isn’t as hard for me now as when I was teaching and speaking before my caregiving days. Whew, it was tough. What if someone wanted me to come and speak? What if a mentee reached out? What if a question was asked about an article I had published? I didn’t want to miss anything. But I made myself do the hard thing and took breaks.

Some years ago, after beginning the caregiving phase of my life, I put technology away on Sunday, except for studying the scriptures, journaling, writing letters, and checking in with family and friends. No budgeting, writing articles or posts, no posting, no Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. No googling for information that would help with doctors’ appointments, etc.  

Caregiving is challenging, and frankly, I needed rest, and technology for all its promises doesn’t give you that. It is only a distraction that stops you from nurturing yourself and others in ways that matter. I chose Sunday because it was a day where there wouldn’t be constant interruptions, appointments, driving kids to school, shopping, and so forth. I would be home most of the time without appointments and commitments. It seemed to be a fairly easy day to lay my technology down.

Honestly, I confess I have fallen off that wagon a bit. I still don’t post, write articles, or google for information on this one day, but I have worked on my budget. I have determined to return to my original decision and only participate in technology that helps me keep the Sabbath as a rest and service day. On Sundays when I break my commitment it isn’t as restful and peaceful.

When you have been on both sides of a fence you can make informed decisions because you know what it feels like on either side. I know that my Sundays are more restful, peaceful, and enjoyable when I keep my commitment and put my technology away.

I mentored a family that took a month off from all technology, even the parents, once a year. Courtney told me, “It isn’t the kids who struggle the most, it’s the parents. They really do have to commit.” She said the hard part for her was at lunch. She usually had lunch when the big kids were at school and her little one was napping. She liked to read Facebook, watch a show, catch up on the news, whatever, as she ate lunch. It was a challenge to read or call a friend instead. 

It was also challenging for her and her husband when everyone was in bed. They usually vegged out in front of the TV, just the two of them but it’s their screen-free month. She told me they have learned to play games together or read to each other. It’s become fun.

The one adult caveat she shared was, that they occasionally check email, pay bills online, or prepare church lessons. Just no screens (phone, computer, TV) for entertainment purposes.

I was mentoring a mom challenged to stay on top of her home and spend time with her children. As we talked it became clear that technology – phone, social media, gaming, computer, television – was an issue. I invited her to track her tech use for one week.

On our next call, she was appalled at the results. She hadn’t realized how much time she spent on her phone or saying to her children, “Wait a minute.” because she was in the middle of a game.

It wasn’t easy but she began working on parameters for herself and her family. Over time it made a BIG difference in her ability to manage all a mother must juggle.

As I said earlier, I am revisiting this topic because of an email I received from my sister. She lost her phone and was phoneless for a week. Imagine. No surfing. No talking to anyone. No ring tones. No disruptions with notification pings. Oh man, how would you do in that situation? Would this make you afraid? LOL

I will let her email speak for itself.

“Still off the grid. Good morning, MaryAnn. My Phone should be ready for pickup, today. It has been a glorious week of no unnecessary obligations, and definite adjustments, both emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.

Being ‘forced off the grid,’ opened a plethora of unrealized options for the use of my Time:

  • Enjoying early, early Mornings
  • Rethinking Priorities

Addressing Relationships of all types:

  • Myself
  • Food
  • Money
  • Jesus
  • Daryl (her husband)
  • Scripture Study
  • Research
  • Journaling
  • Quiet 
  • Nature

It has been delicious but required adjusting my Mindset.”

A technology break can be as simple as putting all phones on mute during dinner. It can be as challenging as taking off a day a week or a month a year. Wherever you are, pick a place and begin. Do a test run and see how it feels.

When you are brave enough to set limits for your tech use, however much or little you commit to, I am sure you will find what I have learned, what my mentee found, what Courtney experienced, and what my sister discovered. There are benefits to taking control of when and how you use technology.

Being an example to your kids of how to manage technology and not be managed by it sets them up for the future when they need a break.

Take control of your technology use. Take breaks. Give yourself a rest.

You and your family will be glad you did.

 

Sometimes You Get Blind!

Early this spring Jodie was taking a short trip. She hauled the suitcase out of the garage so she could pack. Later, she asked me if I had seen it. No, I hadn’t but I went upstairs to help her look. We searched everywhere and then lo and behold we saw it! It was leaning up against the wall by the front door, in direct sight. It wasn’t hidden by anything. We weren’t looking for the obvious, I guess.

Later, I dropped a package of bread I was getting out of the freezer. I finished getting what I needed and then looked for the bread. It wasn’t on top of the chest freezer or the workbench, which is next to the stand-up freezer. I looked high and low. It couldn’t be high, but I couldn’t find it and was trying to cover all the bases. I went out to the freezer a few hours later to get something and there was the loaf of bread. It had been behind me the whole time! Sometimes you get blind!

I’ve talked about this in the past, concerning weeding, a simple thing that can cause so much personal frustration. There you are, on your hands and knees or walking down a row with the hoe. You are positive you got every weed. But as you walk back to where you began you see a stray weed here and there. What! How does that happen? Sometimes you get blind!

This type of blindness happens when we’re working on relationships, teaching our children, managing our home, figuring out how to use time more wisely, getting better systems in place so life flows more smoothly, using money wisely, healing ourselves, etc.

Experience has taught me that no matter how invested we are, we can’t always see what is right in front of us. Sometimes we are blind. There are reasons for this: preconceived ideas, weariness, our bucket is empty, feeling that the issue is too big, maybe we aren’t smart enough, we lack helpful resources, and others.

I have also learned that if we stay calm, and don’t get upset with ourselves because we can’t always see the solution, we will have a better outcome as we troubleshoot. The temptation is to be frustrated or angry with ourselves or others.

A more effective way to approach whatever is causing an issue is to make it a matter of careful thought and prayer, and then seek needed information for greater understanding. When we choose to remain calm, give ourselves grace, and move forward one step at a time, we can usually begin to see what we couldn’t see before. But blessed are your eyes, for they see…Matthew 13: 16

When we have a challenge with a child, a relationship, our home management, ourselves, etc., and are looking for a solution there are things we can do to see more clearly, to get more focus and greater light. Begin by being aware of what keeps you blind, making it difficult to see solutions.

Here are 8 tips for greater daily awareness to see more clearly.

1. Be in a good place yourself. How does a busy parent do that? Here are ways I keep myself in a good place so that when faced with a challenge I can think more clearly and find solutions.

a. Set an intention for the day – What helps me to be in a better place when I wake up each morning is to have a plan, an intention, for why I am getting up. How will I begin the day? Do you have a morning routine? I do and it helps.
b. Eat right – Don’t eat the crust of your child’s sandwich because you are on the run. Sit down. Put your food on a plate. Rest as you chew. This is something I have had to force myself to do but it pays dividends. Think carefully about what you want to fuel your body with. I know from experience that when we take control of how, when, and what we eat, we manage better.
c. Sleep – I have had so much experience with this one thing! When I took control of how and when I slept, my world changed forever. If sleep is a problem, please read how I learned to take control. It will change your life.
d. Practice self-care – I have had people tell me that a shower is a necessity not self-care, but I know it can be self-care This has kept me going for over five decades. Find what works for you, that can be done daily, right where you are.
e. Seek what you need – We don’t know everything. We can’t, so there will be issues we’re not prepared to resolve. However, if you take the time to look for resources: people, classes, books, etc. you can find what will give you the first step you need. Then you look for the second step. Seek what you need, a step at a time, and don’t fret that you don’t know how to fix everything now.

2. Take responsibility for your part. Seth, my son in his fifties, and I had a falling out the other day. Ugh. I thought about it and determined to discover my part in the problem. I mean it was easy to see where he goofed. : ) After some thought it was clear. Then I pondered how best to move forward. We cleared the air a short time later. I apologized for my part, and we carried on.

Blame is always a problem and should be avoided at all costs. It prevents clear vision, eyes that see!

3. Define the issue. Get clear on what you are trying to do, improve, or fix. Keep asking “Why?” until you get to the root. Then you will be better able to make a plan to move forward.

4. Brainstorm potential solutions. I pray and ponder. What comes readily to mind? Where could you begin? What are other possibilities? Don’t make the sucker’s choice and pick what seems the only solution but feels wrong. There is always a third, fourth, or fifth possibility. I have put this to the test! Here is a video I made about avoiding the sucker’s choice and finding workable solutions.

5. Have empathy for others and yourself. Here is the definition of empathy – ‘the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.’ Empathy is the capacity to take another perspective, but more than that, it is truly caring about the person and how they feel. When you show empathy, your feelings soften and solutions come more readily.

6. Have a plan to move forward. What is the first step? In my situation with my son Seth, the first step was to go inside myself and find my part. Because he is a private person, my second step was to find a way to say I was sorry. The third step was to pray and ask for the best possible moment. It was provided when I went outside and he was working by my shed. I calmly walked up, put my hand on his shoulder, and said, “I’m sorry.” He smiled and replied, “Me too.” That was it. It was done.

7. Evaluate as you go. Not everything is as simple as resolving the situation with my son. Some things take time. As you move forward it is helpful to ask yourself questions. Is the direction working? Do I need to rethink and begin again? Am I making progress, even a small amount? If I need to change course what is another option?

8. Allow time. It takes what it takes. When I first began learning to resolve my anger issues it took ten years. I had to allow that time and not become discouraged with myself. It wasn’t always easy, but because I persevered, I made it! Now I find myself in a similar situation. As a caregiver, with lots of stress, my tone needs work. Ugh. Seven years and I am still working on it. Am I making any progress? A little and I hold out hope for even greater progress.

We all get blind. Life is filled with situations we do not know how to resolve but we can learn, grow, gain understanding, and find success, as we care for ourselves and others enough to do the work.

NEVER QUIT. There is always a solution that works.
I can promise this from experience!

Be A Pathmaker For Your Children

Seven years ago, Jodie and her family moved from Kearns, UT. to West Point, UT. We were living with them, helping with Maggie and the other children. Living in a home with kids was assisting Don with his health challenges. It was a win-win situation.

Eventually, we needed a home that was more handicap accessible. Don found the house in West Point and when Jodie looked at it, she could see how good it would be for us. However, many things needed to be upgraded. That was daunting to think about.

We all Live in Imperfect Homes

On the south side of the house, behind the garage, was a family room, a huge storage room, a small bathroom with a shower, and two bedrooms. This was to become our part of the home. We had to tear down the storage room for a kitchen. That meant purchasing, staining, and installing floors, cupboards, counters, the works. Whew, that took a few months to complete. We couldn’t have done it alone, but we were fortunate to receive help from our church, neighbors, and friends.

Jodie’s home needed new flooring as what was currently in the house, tile and grout, wasn’t wheelchair friendly. She had a ton of painting to do. We spent much time pondering what needed to be done, getting the materials together, calling for reinforcements, and then doing the work.

We have been in this home for seven years now. We haven’t finished everything. Why? Because of time, resources, energy, and desire. I am confident that in time, we will finish everything but for now, what isn’t done doesn’t seem vital to our enjoyment of the home.

In my part of the house, we have yet to finish the transition molding in the doorways of each room. It will require a tool and some skills we don’t have yet. We will need help.

The wall behind my sink and stove is still only painted sheetrock. I need to put in a backsplash. I think about it now and then and may take the time to do it next summer. This summer I have a couple of other big projects that seem more vital.

Jodie’s home is, for the most part, finished. However, two summers ago we realized she had to revamp the entire bathroom to accommodate a growing daughter with a larger wheelchair. We needed an unconventional shower that would accommodate regular feet and legs, as well as a wheelchair. We also needed a lift to get Maggie into and out of the tub safely if she wanted a bath.

Despite spending so much time renovating when we first moved in, we found ourselves in that place again, for over a year. All eight of us were using one small bathroom with its tiny shower. With graciousness we made it work.

We all live in imperfect homes. When we have unfinished business in our homes, we don’t stop enjoying and valuing them. When we discover that we need to make another renovation we don’t despair and beat ourselves up because we should have thought of that up front. Instead, we ponder what needs to be done, plan, and then do the work. If we need help, we call in reinforcements.

Our Inner Home is Never Done

It is the same with our inner house. There is always work to do. Things are marred, chipped, unfinished. There may be a hole here or there, but we shouldn’t stop enjoying ourselves and celebrating what is good about us because all our refinement isn’t done. We should instead do what we do in our homes. We fix and mend as we can. We ask for help. We do the work and down the road we might need to do more. This is how we heal, a bit here and a bit there as we remember, find resources, get help, and are willing to do the work.

I came into my parenting life with a boatload of stuff! In my forties, I remembered my childhood sexual abuse. That was devastating and took some years to unravel and heal, but I did it. I had been given numerous stories from my parents, who lived through the depression, that didn’t serve me in my life. It took a few decades to ferret them out and rewrite them. My parents came from a time when children were seen and not heard. You did what you were told, no complaints. I parented in this fashion for years. But eventually, I saw the holes in my walls and did the work to repair that part of my inner house.

Our Bag of Stuff Has Value!

Did my children suffer because my inner home needed significant renovation? YES! But remember what I have said in the past: I believe each person brings to their parenting a large bag of stuff they’ve accumulated along the road to becoming an adult – fears, prejudices, stories, and ideas inherited from the adults in their lives. I believe we have our bag of stuff because, like it or not, it’s the act of emptying it out that helps us become who we were meant to be.

I have spent the last few decades watching my children do what I did, remodel and clean their inner houses. They are doing a good job. I know they suffered while I did my renovation, but because I did renovate, that example has helped them do the same.

I Could Because You Did It First

One day when I was in my 60’s I was talking with one of my daughters. Because I couldn’t remember my sexual abuse but needed to remain safe from it, I wasn’t able to see red flags. She and several of her siblings suffered the same fate. She was in the final stage of healing and was sharing it with me. She was only in her thirties. I didn’t even know there was an issue until I was in my late forties.

I said, “I am so amazed that you have been able to work this out so early. I wish I had been like you and maybe you wouldn’t have suffered.” I was weeping. She responded with, “Mom, I was able to come to this so early because you had already done it. Your example made it possible.” I felt relief. She was right. I had shown my children a lifetime of growth, inner house renovation, not shying away from what was hard, and never giving up on dreams.

A Repairer of the Breach, a Restorer of Paths to Dwell In

An article I read to Don and my mother, reminded me that life is about opposition, and as we make choices, both good and bad, we grow. This isn’t always easy or pleasant, but whether we are coming back from a bad decision or making a good one, we are learning. They are two sides of the same coin.

Years ago, while still living in MT., with a bag of stuff and few resources, I read a verse of scripture from the Christian Bible. It spoke to my heart, and I knew this was my mission. This verse written millennia ago was written for me. It set me on the path I have lived since then, to be like a watered garden, to repair the breach, and create a path to dwell in.

11 And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
12 And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in. Isaiah 58: 11-12

So, take heart. Your children’s success as human beings isn’t dependent on baggage-free, perfect parenting. It is dependent on your example of fearless growth as you remodel your inner house. They will do the same.

Be a pathmaker for your children. Bravely face yourself, ponder how your way of being could be better, and then change what needs to be changed. Make a plan and begin with one step. Find the resources you need. Ask for help and then do the work.

If I can do it, you can too!