Tag: personal growth

Our Perception is Vital to Our Sense of Wellbeing Part 2

One evening, my husband Don was watching Sci-Fi on TV. I was cooking and could hear it. A man said to a woman, “To heal your wounds, you must see the past clearly.”

This woman had been mad at her mother her whole life. Her mother was killed in the jungle while trying to catch a spider known for its miraculous healing properties. Before dying, the mother delivered her child, who lived. The woman believed her mother went because of the wealth the spider would bring. She wondered why her mother had cared so little about her unborn child.

The man sent the woman into the past, to the jungle. She saw her mother’s excitement when they caught the spider. She saw her mother being attacked, then deliver her baby, and die. Those helping the mother used the spider venom on the baby’s tiny body. The woman had not known that her life was in danger, and her mother had gone into the jungle to save her.

When the woman returned to the present, she said to the man, “I didn’t know she was trying to save me. I didn’t have all the information and assumed she didn’t love me enough to keep herself out of harm’s way.” This woman physically returned to the past to get facts and clarity about something she didn’t understand, and it was life-changing.

I have heard all my life that you can’t change the past. You can’t go back. You have to let it go and move on. I no longer accept this counsel. I have experienced that we can change the past, at least in our minds, how it affects our present and future, and you don’t need to go there physically to do it.

The second perception experience was with my 50+ year old son, Seth. He has lived on Jodie’s property, where I live in our four-generation home, for over a year. It’s been nice to have his presence and help. We have all benefited, including Seth. His reason for coming here, from Montana, which he loves, was to take a series of classes to help him do some healing work. You see, no one’s past is trauma-free. It is the bag thing. : )

After Seth finished his classes, he began working as staff/support for others on the same path. That fulfilling way to spend time is what has anchored him here. A few weeks ago, after working at a session, he had the opportunity to share an experience, to illustrate to those in the session that yes, you can change the past. The listeners were moved. Since then, he has been asked to share with others.

I asked Seth to write his experience so I could share it with you.

The Fundamentals of Changing Your Past by Seth Johnson

I am sure many of us, at different points in our lives, have said, “If I could just go back in the past and change that one thing, my life would be so different”. That sentiment is something I have said to myself hundreds of times.

Is it possible to change your past?

Yes, it is. You may be asking yourself, “How is that possible?” Well, it’s possible through rewriting the story and changing your perception of the memory you acquired through that experience. What does that mean?

What are the fundamentals of our past?

The fundamental aspect of our past is not the actual experience but the perception we create in our memory of that experience, which can either be good or bad in relation to how it affects our life. So, by rewriting our perception of the past, we then change our past.

A Real-life Example

“I spent 20 years hating my ex-wife. I told myself that she was a terrible person, that she destroyed my life, and the self-confidence I had, that I would never forgive her for stealing my dog, etc. etc. I have spent the last year and a half going through some personal development training and although what I am speaking of here was not necessarily one of the topics in class, I found this knowledge along the way.

The answer to changing my past was through rewriting the story, thus changing my perception of how I feel about her. I do not hate her anymore, and I never actually did. I truly love her and wish her the best in life. She did not destroy my self-confidence. I chose to be in a situation that created a beautiful learning experience. Not everything was bad; we shared beautiful times, and we loved each other in the way we knew how to love, which was distorted through early experiences in life regarding love. Neither of us knew how to show love healthily.

I chose to carry that hate and hurt for 20 years. It was never about the actual things she did along the way. I wasn’t perfect either and played a part in it all. It was the perceptions I placed into my memories regarding the so-called “bad things” she had done. The moment I re-wrote the story, it changed the perception of the story of my past, thus changing my past.”

Our Perception Does Matter

When something good or bad happens, we perceive others’ intentions and motives. Then we create our story around what we have chosen to believe. That isn’t always bad. But occasionally it’s helpful to rewrite a story and take a second look at an experience, if it is causing us pain, sorrow, grief, or another unhealthy response that negatively affects our life.

This is simple, but like many simple things, it isn’t easy. We can’t magically send ourselves back to an experience and watch it as if it were a movie where we are privy to what we didn’t know or understand. However, we can take our minds back. We can take a second look. We can give others the benefit of the doubt and think the best. We can choose to forgive even if the offender had bad motives or committed a terrible wrong.

And why would we do this instead of just holding the other person accountable? So we can free ourselves, to heal, to move forward, and have a better life

I know from my and Seth’s experience that when we understand the power our perception has, no matter our age, we can change the past, at least how it affects us going forward.

Our story, what we choose to tell ourselves about any circumstance, keeps us in chains or sets us free.

Our Perception is Vital to Our Sense of Wellbeing Part 1

I’ve written many articles on the importance of making sure the story we tell ourselves is helpful to our sense of well-being, healthy relationships, and happiness. How we perceive something matters.

Recently, I had two experiences that cemented what I have learned in over a decade and a half of taking control of how I ‘see’ what is happening in my life, both in the past and present. I’m sharing one experience today and the other next week. They are powerful.

Stress Is a Killer!

When I began caregiving my mom 6 ½ years ago, I did a lot of reading on dementia, so I would know how to care for both of us. There was a lot of useful information. In most of the books and articles I read, I also found this counsel: “Caregiving can be extremely demanding, both physically and emotionally…Studies have shown that family caregivers are at a higher risk of mortality compared to non-caregivers. Approximately 30% of family caregivers die before the person they are caring for.” This information was so prevalent in what I read and heard from other caregivers, that I beleived it was true and it concerned me. I was caregiving three people, in a 4-generation home.

There is also a common belief in the minds of the public that stress, from any situation that is ongoing, is toxic. Stress has been blamed for catching the common cold to creating cardiovascular problems. For example, one article I read said: Stress can have significant physical and physiological effects on the body. Here are some of the key ways that stress can impact your health:

Cardiovascular System:
• Increased heart rate and blood pressure
• Dilated blood vessels
• Increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and hypertension

Endocrine System:
• Release of stress hormones (e.g., cortisol, adrenaline)
• Increased blood sugar levels
• Changes in metabolism and fat distribution
• Increased risk of obesity and type 2 diabetes

The list went on covering other body parts and organs. I wondered how I could manage what I had taken on and remain healthy. I had stress management tools and I used them, but stress is ever present when caregiving, and according to what seemed to be true, I was definitely in harm’s way.

A few years ago, someone reached out who wanted to add a new stress tool to my arsenal to help me have a healthier brain. Here’s the pitch:

S T R E S S
These 6 letters can completely ruin your brain health and create short-term memory loss. Chronic stress, the kind that has you up at night, eats away at the memory sector of your brain, the hippocampus. It causes inflammation, throws your hormones out of balance and there is a big school of medicine that believes most diseases are caused by chronic stress.
•Stress is your brain’s #1 enemy – it is the single largest reason for your memory issues
•Unless you do something to manage your stress on a daily basis your memory, and your brain health will quickly deteriorate.

Here was my response to a question the sender asked: “I am convinced that stress is the cause of my detail memory being so compromised.” I had bought into this belief about stress hook, line, and sinker.

This Was MINDBLOWING!

Last fall I listened to a Ted Talk on stress. It was mind-blowing! The title was How to Make Stress Your Friend by Kelly McGonigal, a psychologist. She told us that for years she had warned her patients about the dangers hidden in stress. But recently, she had been introduced to new research that blew her mind!

It turns out that stress, whether you are caregiving, have a tough job, or are parenting, doesn’t need to take a toll on your health. In fact, it can improve your heart and health. Yes, you heard me correctly!! Her information on how stress is good for your heart was so unexpected and came from reliable research.

McGonigal said: “Stress. It makes your heart pound, your breathing quicken, and your forehead sweat. But while stress has been made into a public health enemy, new research suggests that stress may only be bad for you if you believe that to be the case.”

One research study showed that people with the same type and amount of stress either died or lived depending on their beliefs about stress. This made me sit up and pay attention. As I researched this new idea, I read this: “With demands on time, energy, emotions, and relationships, caregiving isn’t easy. So, you might think it would take its toll on the physical health of those who care for family members with chronic conditions. But new research offers a positive surprise: Family caregivers may live longer.”

McGonigal urged us to see stress as a positive and understand its value to the body. Also, to know that what you believe about stress impacts how it ultimately affects you. And there it is–our story matters, what we say and how we perceive what is happening brings about the result we get.

Not long after I heard the TED talk, I bought the book The Upside of Stress by Dr. McGonigal. I want to understand how stress can work in my favor. I want this information deep in my soul so that I can do what I have taken on and flourish. The read is fascinating.

Has understanding this changed anything in my day-to-day life? NO. I still clean up plenty of poop. Sitting down without interruptions is rarely an option. There is plenty of frustration and annoyance. My mother’s dementia is progressing, she has had a mini-stroke, and every day is a new normal. Watching someone die is like living on a roller coaster. Don’s surgery brought 6 weeks of extra work and stress. But now, with my new story, when I feel overly stressed, I straighten up and say to myself – “Way to go. This is so good for your heart. You’re going to live to be 100!”

And you know what, I believe it.

P.S. Next week I challenge the idea that we cannot change the past. I will share an example that will show you, you can! You are going to love this!

Stillness = Rest and Rejuvenation

My husband was watching the show The Irrational. It’s about a behavioral science professor who solves tough police cases. I was in the kitchen and could hear it. The main character had an appendix surgery. He tried to rise from his bed a few times because there was a case he wanted to get going on. His sister had to nag at him to remain in bed and heal. At one point the professor spoke with a priest, while still in the hospital. The priest said, “St. Stillness has visited you.” Then he smiled and the professor replied, “Oh, stillness. I’m not very good at it.”

This intrigued me because one of my favorite scriptures is “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10, from the Christian Bible. However, I, like the professor, must work to be still.

Recently, I got a call from a friend. We have both had challenging things happen in the last few years and talked about how we’ve managed. At some point in the conversation, I said, “God has put me in Rest and Rejuvenation 101 so I can learn to manage better.” She began laughing, and so did I. She knew exactly what I was talking about.

This topic of Stillness, Rest, and Rejuvenation is tied to the article I wrote on Peaceful Intensity. Not only must we manage busy and often chaotic days with a sense of peace and calmness, but we also need to learn to be still so that we find moments of rest and are rejuvenated. As we do, we manage better.

Getting things done is my nature but it isn’t healthy to think, move, and manage stuff all the time. It leads to weariness, grumpiness, and resentment even though we choose to bypass stillness, receive rest, and be rejuvenated. I have been in this class for a few years. Some tests I pass and others I fail. But I keep receiving resources and information, practicing, and growing. I’m doing what I have done dozens of times in the past seventy-five years, I’m working on getting better at a skill that will help me remain healthy and happy.

My current mission is to care for my mother, who has dementia, my husband who has several illnesses, and help my daughter care for her four children, one with severe cerebral palsy. When I stop and think about it, I realize this is not random. I had determined previously, that I needed to learn to live my favorite scripture, be still, and know God. He, being wise and loving, put me in this class by giving me this current assignment.

In the last couple of years, I have begun to see the connection between stillness and the rest it brings leading to rejuvenation. I haven’t always enjoyed the object lessons in this class. They have been trying at times. However, I have begun to pass a few more tests.

Like many of you, I have a lot on my plate. Whether those we care for are old or young it is the same work. So, learning to be still in small increments, so that we rest and rejuvenate multiple times daily, is vital to our health and well-being.

My Commitment/Affirmations for 2025 are beautiful, and when I read them, I’m astonished at how well they hit the mark. It was worth the effort I put into creating them. Some of them focus on stillness, rest, and rejuvenation because I knew going into this year that I needed to make more progress.

Here are a few things that I have in my current stillness arsenal.

•I have found a way of meditation that works for me. I have a list of meditations that take 8 minutes or less. To meditate, you must get still and focus. I listen to one most nights before I go to bed. It helps me fall asleep quickly.
•Before I begin praying, I stop and get quiet. I am still for a few minutes before I utter a word whether that prayer is being said in my nightly shower, kneeling at the side of my bed, or while washing a sink full of dishes.
•My husband says when I wake up, I move like a fireman. He’s right. Now I am making myself lie still for just a few minutes and feel the goodness of the day before I allow my feet to touch the ground.
•I’m making a diligent effort to remember to breathe deeply three or four times whenever I feel frustration, annoyance, or irritation coming into my body.
•When I must solve a problem or make a decision, I sit down and remain still for a couple of minutes to clear my mind and prepare myself.
•When I face an old story or a new negative one, rather than feeling bothered, I still my mind and then redirect my thoughts.
•If I find myself unsure because of a setback or a very chaotic day I stop where I am, standing or sitting, and listen. What voice do I hear? One that is harsh and critical or gentle and kind. Then I calmly choose to accept the latter.
•I am continuing my gratitude journal. I have been writing three things each day for several years. Before I write a word, I close my eyes, breathe deeply, and then begin. The whole process takes less than 4 or 5 minutes, and frequently that is all I get before someone needs me. : )

A Simple Example

Let me give you an example of a stillness moment that occurred today, Friday. It had been an overly busy day with errands and caregiving. As I served dinner, I felt a deep need to be done. However, my mom needed help with her teeth. My husband needed help to change clothes and food still needed to be put away. I didn’t want to face dishes in the morning, so despite wanting to be done, I began working on cleaning up.

I don’t know about you but when I’m overly tired even inanimate objects seem determined to cause me trouble. LOL As I washed the silverware a knife slipped from my hand back into the water. I made a face and felt the irritation rise. I began to say, “You dumb knife.” Then I stopped, closed my eyes, and took a few deep breaths. I stood still for maybe 30 seconds. It didn’t remove my tiredness. I still had a few dishes to wash. However, the irritation died out and I felt calm, rested, and rejuvenated. I was able to finish the kitchen and help Mom and my husband with a couple more things before heading to my desk to write.

I know that many would scoff at my list. If you look online the advice is to go to lunch or shopping with friends, take a trip, or get away. These are not practical for my current life. They wouldn’t have worked well when I was raising our seven children. I couldn’t do these things consistently, and surely not every day. It’s been necessary to find simple ways to add stillness, quiet, and space to my life numerous times a day, right where I am.

Friends, I have learned much and I am wise in many ways. I have lived a long life. I have changed, grown, matured, overcome weaknesses, and have blessed others. I have been in more 101-level classes than I care to admit. But here I am again, in class, Stillness = Rest and Rejuvenation 101, and the resources I need to progress are showing up because I ask for them. I know I can become very good at creating moments of stillness in my busy days that lead to rest and rejuvenation.

Stillness = rest and rejuvenation. I am sure of this, and I am learning to increase all three in my life. I know it will bless me, my family, and all those I connect with.

If you are determined to do what it takes to learn and grow it will bless your life. Be open to those 101 classes!

Peaceful Intensity?

My friend Livia read a book about Neal A. Maxwell. In the book, they used the phrase ‘peaceful intensity’ to describe how he managed his busy life. It’s a way of being that can be cultivated. It involves how we perceive what is happening in the moment. Maxwell said you can be busy but still function from a place of peace. As Livia and I talked I wondered, “How can those two words even go together?” I was intrigued by the idea and this unique phrase.

This is becuase I’ve been experiencing this place of busy peace in the last few years. It happens when I have this thought, STOP and TURN. In other words, shift how you see what is happening. When I listen and follow the thought I manage better. Even if the pace doesn’t slow down, my heart does. Imagine how life would be if this was our way of being most of the time.

This experience comes and goes in spurts, but it happens. It has felt as if I’m being taught from on high. As I have learned how it feels I can now consciously choose peaceful intensity. In the last year, I have experienced it more than ever before.

Most of you know I shower at night, not because I need to get clean but because it’s my quiet, ‘talk to God’ place. As I step into the shower on a day where nothing went as planned, but I STOPPED and TURNED, I have recognized a flow, a feeling of moving along without rapids in the river. I could honestly tell God I had done my best and felt satisfied that all that was needful had been done. These shower moments are precious because I go to sleep feeling peaceful despite the actual makeup of the day.

Let me share how it felt just two years ago. I sensed that around 3 pm my day shredded apart. I lost the sense of flow and struggled to stay centered. During my shower time, I felt distracted, disorganized, and dissatisfied. I remember watching the clock, racing it to that 3 pm moment while feeling a sense of panic. During my shower, I would plead with God to be shown how to get control. Funny how God answers prayers.

It isn’t about control, lack of distractions, or getting things ticked off the list. It’s about remaining calm with what is, in other words, peaceful intensity.

Do you know that while writing this I realized I haven’t looked at the clock during the day for some time? I haven’t thought about that 3 pm moment. Why? Has any physical thing changed? No, it hasn’t. Caregiving is filled with interruptions, added tasks, irritations, etc. It’s part of the calling. Doctor appointments haven’t gone away. Managing a home and helping with my granddaughter remains. Dementia is still in my life 24/7. All that changed is that I have worked to let go of the 3 p.m. story and have begun experiencing something new in my heart, peaceful intensity. I know it was an answer to my prayer about control. : ) I’ve been shown that control won’t solve the dilemma of overly busy days. However, how we approach those days, can.

TWO EXAMPLES OF PEACEFUL INTENSITY

I work diligently to write during the week. I want the article uploaded, edited, and formatted before Saturday. I need the podcast recorded. I want the newsletter to be ready to go. I want Saturday to be free. By free I don’t mean ‘no work or interruptions’, that never happens, but at least no writing deadlines. : )

However, one week in November I left it all until Sat. I began writing at 10 and didn’t finish until 4 because writing takes time and there were the usual interruptions. As I finished, I sat in awe and couldn’t believe how peaceful I felt and how smoothly it had gone despite all I had to manage along with the writing. This is what I have been experiencing more and more often.

Let me share what happened today. It’s January 4, 2025. I was able to have a few days away from home. My goal was to do lots of writing and move into the new year ahead. However, Don had surgery the day after Christmas and my mom had been ill and in great pain for over half the month. I felt I couldn’t go even though I would only be a mile from home. However, my daughter wouldn’t let me change plans.

Every day, from Monday through Thursday, I drove home to make sure all was well. I also had Don’s incision to care for. Tuesday was New Year’s so I spent most of the day and all that night at home. Wednesday, Mom was still ill and Don’s incision needed attending, so I was home for a few hours. That cut into my writing time. On Thursday Don was better and his incision looked great. Mom was up and dressed, crocheting for the first time in two weeks.

Friday, I didn’t go home. I wrote all day and made great progress. I did the same today until around 3 pm. I had enough posts to last a couple of weeks. I was happy and relieved. I planned to write a few articles during the remainder of the day.

Then out of nowhere, I got scammed. I was posting on one of my business pages and received a notification my site was being suspended. You know the rest of the story. They changed my password, and all three sites went down as if they never existed. I couldn’t access our church site which I post on for my calling. I can’t even open a new account.

I spent an hour trying everything that Facebook said to do. Nothing worked. I called my daughter, and she didn’t know what to do. So there I was, two days of writing and no way to use it. I had a moment where I thought I would go home because what was the use? The whole getaway had been a waste. I felt completely discouraged.

Then I had that feeling, STOP and TURN. I went back to my computer and began this article. I felt at peace. We would work it out or not and I could still write for you. All was not lost. That sense of peace moved in and the sense of desperation and hurry that the situation had stirred up, left. As I have written this I’ve been enveloped in peaceful intensity. The trouble isn’t gone. I don’t know what it will take to repair it if it can be repaired. But I’m OK. I went on to write two more articles.

These are two examples of real-life peaceful intensity. In both situations, I had to allow peace to enter my crazy day intentionally.

I’m a novice in this process, so why am I even writing about it? I hope to encourage you to think about practicing peaceful intensity, regardless of what’s happening. I can only share what I have learned so far. I know there’s more, and I will be taught. Then, I will share more.

WHAT I HAVE DONE

I became aware that there was a new way I could think.
I prayed for guidance and help. It’s always wise to ask someone who knows more than you. : )
I continue to be aware of my stories and control them. I am pretty good at this part. I’ve been practicing for a decade and a half.
I intentionally decided to incorporate peaceful intensity into my way of being.
I am practicing, practicing, practicing.
Finally, I don’t berate myself on those days when I don’t do well. It is counterproductive.

I haven’t read A Disciple’s Life: The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell by Bruce C. Hafen. I may never get to it. But God can and is teaching me about rest and rejuvenation, as it relates to peaceful intensity.

He can teach you too.

I No Longer Have a Bucket List or Is Parenting the End of My Dreams!

Do you have cherished dreams? Is there a goal you want as much as breathing? Do you worry that because you chose to be a parent they may never come to pass?

I can relate. I raised seven children. I was busy and overwhelmed lots of the time. I had goals and dreams and there were times I felt they could come to pass. Then, just when I felt I was moving towards them, I would be called home physically or emotionally and the dream would be on hold again.

Today, I want to encourage you and give you heart, so will hold on to your dreams while you do this most important calling, raising your family. I have often said, “You can’t know until you get there.” I have gotten to a new place and in time, I believe you will get there too.

As a child and youth, I had a marvelous bucket list of things I wanted to see, do, and become in my life. Some were BIG dreams. Others were dreams that weren’t as out front, but dreams, nonetheless.

I Want to Be a Speaker!

When I was five years old, I wanted to be a speaker. I know that’s young, but I had spoken a couple of times in my church’s children’s group, and I LOVED it. I was not afraid of getting up in front of people. It was thrilling to share something that I knew to be true, even when I was five.

When I was deeply into parenting in Montana, I attended a women’s conference with my sisters in Utah, at Brigham Young University. As I sat listening to the keynote speaker, I had a thought which took me off guard. “You will speak like this someday.” I replied in my mind, “That’s never going to happen.” After all, I had seven kids, and some were struggling. I had already had to quit speaking for schools and community organizations to manage the chaos at home.

In 2009 I began sharing family connection information with parents. For the next ten years, I traveled the United States speaking and teaching. When I began, I was fifty-nine years old, and our youngest child was 19 and just leaving home.

I Want to Write and Publish a Book!

When I was eight, I discovered the Oz books. Did you know there are fourteen, full-length Oz books? While visiting my grandma and grandpa Cazier, I discovered them in the library. I spent hours sitting quietly on the library floor reading.

It was then I decided I wanted to write a book. I began that summer. I got a notebook and hand-wrote the first few pages of my own novel. My grandma Gardner was a teacher and when our family visited her home in Logan, Utah, she would throw open her ‘paper’ cupboard and we could pick anything we wanted. I always chose a fresh, clean notebook and a new pencil and would begin another story.

In 2016 I did write a book. It took six days a week, at 4 am, for six months. It was published by Cedar Fort Publishing in 2017. It wasn’t what I thought I would write. It wasn’t a novel, but it was a story about my experience parenting, what I had learned, and excellent counsel to help others avoid some of the mistakes Don and I had made. I was sixty-seven.

I Want to Make a Recording

My mother could have sung in an opera. She had an exquisite voice and even tried out for the Lawrence Welk Show. I heard her singing while she hung laundry for her family of eleven. She sang as she cooked and cleaned. I loved her voice. I knew I didn’t have a voice like my mom’s, but I wanted to sing.

I took every opportunity that came my way. I sang in front of the whole school in 7th and 8th grades. I was brave because I LOVED singing.

When my mother was 74 her voice began to change. I asked my sister to take her to a studio and have a CD made. Evette got it done. I was 54 years old, and it was then I decided that I would make a recording of my singing someday.

It was just a wish until twelve years ago when I put a picture of a CD on my wall with my face in the center. There it hung for years. At one point, in 2022, as my efforts to find a studio and a pianist began to fall apart, I felt it would NEVER happen.

My voice, like my mother’s was changing. I was out of time, but I decided to give it one more year! I so wanted to see it happen. Last year, on Dec. 31, 2023, I finished the recording and had my own channel. That felt heady. : ) I was forty days shy of my seventy-fourth birthday.

In March of 2022, I wrote an article naming many other buckets list dreams I had knowingly and unknowingly accomplished. It was delightful to realize that because I had held on to my dreams they had come to pass, more than I consciously knew. Some came to fruition in completely different ways than I had envisioned.

In the first week of January, this year, I revisited my 3-5 year goals. I felt my bucket list was done. I had some financial goals, but they weren’t true, ‘all my life’ bucket list things. I was still working on two ways of being that matter a great deal to me, but I will be working on charity and making time, my friend for the rest of my life. LOL My bucket seemed empty.

I was happy to focus on those few financial goals because they will matter in the coming years. However, I felt a tad disappointed that I didn’t have anything exciting to work for.

One evening, not long after I wrote the article about this year’s goals, I was pondering as I sat at my desk. I often pray to God while doing mundane stuff. I don’t kneel, I just begin conversing.

This was one of those times and I was thanking Him for helping me accomplish the recording, a thing in 2022 I felt couldn’t be done. I mentioned that I had done everything I had wanted to do except to continue to work on a more charitable nature and have time be my friend.

During that prayerful conversation, I had a thought and as happened at the Women’s Conference, it brought me up short. I began to laugh. Here is it. “Well, Mary you haven’t become a dancer yet. You still can’t play the piano. And didn’t you want to learn to speak Spanish? What about painting?”

I laughed because these all have been dearly-held dreams, they just never made it to the front of the list! Because of the intervening years, they had taken a back seat in my consciousness.

I Want to Play the Piano!

I took a few piano lessons while raising my children, but I never got far because one of the kids would want lessons and our income in Montana was small.

In my late sixties, I bought a keyboard so I could take piano lessons. But I was deeply into speaking, teaching, and business building at that time. I let the dream go and when we joined our home with Jodie’s, the keyboard didn’t come with us.

I Want to Dance!

I wanted to be a dancer my whole life! I still have a few books about dancers in my library that I have had since I was under ten. In my younger days, I was able to take a few ballet lessons. But with nine kids in my family, they were short-lived.

When we moved to our current home six years ago, I searched for a jazz dance teacher who took older students. I didn’t find one, so I stopped thinking about it. After all, I was caregiving three people and when would I do it anyway?

I want to Paint Beautiful Landscapes

I thought often about being a painter. I knew in my heart I could do it if I could just take lessons. At one point I took a community class, but my children kept touching the canvas and then wiping the evidence on the wall. I let it go.

In the later years of parenting, I took a short trip and sat at the side of a lake and painted the lupine. Later, while caring for my daughter who was in a car accident, I took her to a painting class and did a piece that hangs on my wall today.

I Want to Speak Spanish Fluently!

Speaking Spanish is like my recording. I have wanted to speak Spanish for decades, but I felt the time was past. To learn another language, you must be able to remember things, and my detail memory is compromised. But I know that I wouldn’t have been reminded about my love for Spanish if there wasn’t a way. It makes me smile thinking about it.

I still have those financial goals, but now I have put some long-held dreams back in the bucket. I need to put them on my vision board and then I need to ponder how they could come to pass despite age or difficulty. Just this last year I saw a dream that didn’t seem possible at my age come to pass. : )

Here is My Message

Parenting doesn’t need to end your dreams. There will be time and opportunity. Focus on your family. If small steps can be taken, take them. Practice when you can and then patiently wait. Space for you will open. It will.

I was over fifty before many of my fondest hopes came into being. Like many of you, I felt I had exchanged my dreams for a family. But as you can see it was only a story and not a true one.

And when I thought I had done all there was to do, all I had ever dreamed about, I was reminded that I still have dreams. I am still here and I can accomplish more, if I choose.

I gave parenting my all, as imperfect as it was. I took my role as a mother very seriously. I gave up opportunities. I, like you felt that most, if not all, of my dreams would never come to pass because time was moving so quickly.

I had goals that came to pass while I was mothering. But most of my bucket list dreams came to fruition after my children were grown.

Never give up on your hopes and dreams. You may not know how to bring them to pass, or when it can be done, but hold them close and trust that you will see miracles happen.

I know this is true because I got there!

Putting People Ahead of Projects. Can It Be Done?

Here are two stories that will become one.

I am a finisher. This will be important for you to remember as you read this article. Being a finisher is a blessing in my life and the lives of those I live with and serve. But it has its drawbacks. I can get caught up in projects and leave people behind.

Story One

I needed a mammogram. Ugh, I would like to be done with that forever, but whether I like it or not, I needed one. On the appointed day, I showed up and was pleasantly surprised by the technician. She was awesome! Vicki and I had a fabulous conversation about interesting and important things while we took care of this slightly unpleasant task.

I could tell that in some ways, we were alike. She is also a finisher. Our conversation got around to the topic of being patient with people when they got in the way of the work at hand. This was a problem for her at home and work. Boy, could I relate. Projects or work can supersede the very people we are serving. We laughed about it.

Then the conversation took a serious turn. Vicki was down on herself because she was new to the ‘I need to be more responsive to people’ party. She said, “I’m never going to get this.” I have felt this way myself. I told her, “You will get this and have a change of heart if you keep working on it, if it is a true desire of your heart. I know because I have been doing this work of changing for a long time.”

Story Two

The next day I was at my neighbor’s home picking mulberries. I had gotten up very early to do the job because I oversaw getting Maggie up, dressed, and into her wheelchair that morning. I had almost finished one section of the lower branches of the huge tree. I had a clear thought come into my mind, “Remember, Jodie is working, and you need to get Maggie up and dressed.” I have a good handle on time, and I had already felt that it was close to the time that Maggie would need me. But I kept picking. I told myself, “It’s just going to take a minute. I’ll be quick.” Sound familiar? Maggie can do nothing for herself, and she was dependent on me, and so was her working mom, but I wanted to finish.

I heard a ping on my phone, but I ignored it and kept picking. Five minutes later I was so pressed by the feeling that I had to go that I checked my phone. Jodie had gotten a message from Maggie saying she was awake. Fortunately, Maggie’s iPad was propped on the bed in front of her just in case she woke up and needed to let someone know. Jodie was texting to tell me Maggie was awake and to give me a few instructions for getting her dressed and out of bed. Maggie had just had surgery so I needed some coaching as it wouldn’t be a routine morning. Another reason that putting Maggie ahead of the mulberry picking was important!

I can’t believe it, but I began picking again. I mean, I was almost done with this section. I wanted to finish. Then I could pick up where I left off later. But again, I was pressed to STOP, and this time I did.

As I walked home, I felt slightly irritated. When I was in Maggie’s bedroom it all changed. She and I have fun conversations and laugh when I am caring for her. We use our system of questions and answers to communicate. I like working with her. She is funny and so cheerful. As I was ‘talking’ with her and getting her dressed I was overcome with a sense of gratitude. I felt grateful that she was my granddaughter and that I could serve and love her, talk with her, and laugh with her. I felt in a real way, the value and importance of what I was doing. It eclipsed any satisfaction I would have felt had I completed that section of the mulberry tree.

Learning to STOP what we are doing in favor of something that is truly more important, usually having to do with our spouse or children, is a process. I worked on this for many years as I parented and I am still working on it as I grandparent. I am certainly better than I was in the beginning, but I have had to learn to give myself space and time to keep practicing. Changing one’s way of being, whatever that may look like for you, takes intention, effort, consistency, and time. I have had to learn to forgive myself when I must be reminded that something else matters more than my current project.

A change of heart, a new way of being, can take years to achieve and then it isn’t usually a done deal. We must be reminded occasionally of what we know and our new way of responding. Perfect rarely happens. Changing our way of being is not the same as ticking something off a list, like making your bed every morning. It is deeper and it matters more.

As you work on STOPPING when your child needs you, it will impact your relationships hugely. It can make all the difference as they move from childhood to adulthood. It can and will cement relationships, and your children will be able to trust you. They will come to you when they are in need because you will have sent a clear message that they matter and that you value them over all the projects you must do in a day.

I would rather not have confessed to this crazy mulberry experience with you. It would be cool if I could tell you that I always put people over projects. But helping you understand what change takes, how important allowing yourself to make mistakes is, accepting your imperfections, and keeping going compels me to be honest, and vulnerable. : )

We all have ways of being in our family and with others that need to be adjusted. We all do! So, take heart, decide how you want to be, and then go for it even if you are still working on it decades later. Reaching the end isn’t what matters. It is your children watching your journey that in the end will make all the difference.

It has made a difference for my children.

Duality Matters in Parenting!

Here is how the conversation with my daughter Kate on pride vs. pridefulness ended. If you are out of the loop, refer to the Sept. 10th and Sept. 17th articles at https://www.maryannjohnsoncoach.com.

Duality in Life and Parenting

I told Kate, “I’m proud of myself that I figured this out as I became an adult. Thank you for telling me. I never would have thought of such a thing. I always felt like such a fearful person. That is what your siblings saw. But by the time I was forty, I had worked out a lot of garbage. So, this is like a confirmation that the work I did was valuable. It wasn’t easy. There were no classes, no internet, no place to go for help except to friends. I had to figure it out by being honest with myself, and by pondering and praying a lot. It took me years. I am amazed that I figured it out. That I healed and grew. Thank you. I love you.”

I was sorry that my older children had grown up with a frightened, fearful woman, who did not value herself. I told Kate that. She replied, “You know Mom, just because it took you time to learn and grow doesn’t negate the great mom you were and this important message you gave me.”

Then Kate mentioned the word duality. It was new to me. I know dual means two, but I hadn’t heard much about duality. Here she was telling me that in parenting it matters.

What is duality? Well, two things can be true at once even if they are contradictory. You could be fearful at 40 and still exhibit confidence that you didn’t even realize. This can be helpful in relationships with others and with us.

Some Examples

In my 40s’ I thought – I either have it all together or I don’t. I either show confidence in everything or nothing.” I felt this was true. But the truth was this – I had fears and insecurities in many areas of my life but great confidence in others.

Sharing the message of duality is important in parenting because it can help us keep our story about how we are doing on a more positive plane, and it goes a long way to assisting us in speaking kinder and more truthfully to ourselves.

Instead of, “I am such a terrible mom. I just can’t keep my cool.” we might say, “I struggle to keep my cool, but I am working on it, and I am great at nighttime talks. It will even out If I just keep working on it.”

Instead of, “I am so lame. I still have so much to work on,” we could tell ourselves “I have so much to work on, but my kids can depend on me being at their events. They can trust me.”

The Onion Principle

In 2022 I sought counseling for myself for the first time in my life. Not mentoring, I have done a ton of that but honest-to-goodness counseling. I am 73. I should have it all worked out right? But the reality is that we are like an onion. You work on a layer at a time. That is why duality exists. You took off a layer but there may be another layer to work on.

If there are two sides to a coin, metaphorically speaking, there’s a duality. Peace and war, love and hate, up and down, and black and white are dualities. Duality is experienced every day.

You will succeed in some ways and fail in others. You will have one thing worked out and be a hot mess somewhere else. It’s OK. You can be both. We shouldn’t focus only on where we are not yet strong. It is wise to acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses. As we do, we send a powerful message to our children that they can do the same. This will hold them in good stead as they become adults and work out their baggage. Good parenting isn’t about being perfect, knowing it all, and having all our junk cleaned up. It is instead, doing the best we can, growing and changing, and sending the message to our children that they also have strengths and weaknesses, and it’s OK. It is about allowing ourselves and them to feel pride in hard work and accomplishment even if there are things that are not yet in order.

So, as I have said many times – Be kind to yourself. Trust yourself. Hang in there and keep growing despite your missteps. It will be enough.

As a Mother, You Won’t Know the Value You Bring Until Later

This part of the conversation blew me away!

Remember that conversation with my daughter Kate that I shared last week? Here is the part that blew me away!

As we talked, Kate said something that left me dumbfounded. In fact, it was the reason for her call. She said, “I wanted to thank you because I have never received negative messages about your accomplishments. You are comfortable expressing pride in what you have learned, and the characteristics, qualities, and talents you have developed. You are comfortable sharing with other people in a non, you know, braggy way. I want you to know that I really appreciate that about you because now, as an adult woman, I am not threatened by other women expressing confidence and pride in themselves. I do not equate that with pridefulness.”

“That matters and I wanted to let you know. Now, I am a mother of a little girl, and I can pass that positive outlook of confidence and pride on to her, rather than the messaging of – talk bad about yourself because that is more acceptable.”

“Not all women are comfortable with their own goodness and accomplishments. We don’t always support one another. Because of the example I saw from you while growing up, I have been able to share this with my daughter and help teach her that it’s OK to be proud of your accomplishments.ngest ”

Here is how Kate ended our lengthy conversation on pride vs. pridefulness. “I love you very much, and I appreciate you not being one of those messengers in my life of ‘stay small, stay insecure, talk bad about yourself because that is more acceptable.’ I know the opposite is unacceptable.” I replied, “Wow. I didn’t know I did that!”

The Message I LOVE to Share!

This is one of the messages I enjoy sharing with moms the most – In parenting, you can’t know the value you bring until much later. As your kids grow and have kids, you find out what they took away from home that will blow you away. For me, this was one of those things, and over the last twenty years, there have been others.

I had to work hard to be confident. I came from a place where that wasn’t nurtured in me. I had been sexually abused and emotionally abused. I wasn’t allowed to decide on anything big or small, even as a senior in high school. The ability and example Kate credited me with, well, I had to work on it for a significant portion of my parenting days. I didn’t have this knowledge when I began, but all of my children saw its development over time. It eventually came and I was able to share it with my youngest daughter, even if it was unconsciously.

Parenting is a tough job. We do not come prepared in all the ways that will be needed. But if we are open to learning, changing, and growing, we will ultimately be a blessing to our children. The passage of time will show you the value of what you have done, as imperfect as it is.

So, hold the course, speak kindly to yourself when you mess up, and work to learn and grow. It will be enough!

My Meat Chopper is a Metaphor for Growth. Really! : )

My granddaughter joined a group called Girls on the Run. She was excited to learn how to run. Because she hadn’t done this before Matilda was a bit apprehensive, so her big brother ran the race with her. Ya gotta love big brothers who care! She had a wonderful experience and wanted to support the group. She sent me an online catalog. Part of the proceeds would go to the group. As a dutiful grandparent, I looked it over.

There wasn’t a single thing I needed or wanted. I am a minimalist by nature and experience. I have what I need and nothing more. Not only wasn’t there a single item I needed or wanted but they were all pricy, and I am frugal by nature. What was I going to do? Well, there was one gadget I had seen in a few of my friends and siblings’ kitchens. I knew what it was for. It was used to break up sausage and hamburger while cooking.

In my kitchen, I grab the burger or sausage and mash it into bits in my hands as it falls into the pan. This works for me. But I had to buy something, and this was the cheapest item. I love my granddaughter, so I ordered it.

It sat in my utensil container for weeks, unused. Then one day I noticed that I hadn’t gotten my hamburger bits as small as I wanted them for a particular dish. I grabbed the meat chopper, because it was close, and cut up the partially cooked chunks. Hmmm, that was easy even though the meat was hot and partially cooked. I could have gotten the job done with a spoon, but it would have taken more time.

Since then, I have begun using the meat chopper more often. It is fast, I don’t have to wash my hands, and I can chop as I cook. I have decided I like this tool. I mean, I can manage the old way, it works, but this works better.

As I was making spaghetti sauce this week, I thought about how finally experimenting with the meat chopper is like the process of growth and change. We learn to do things a certain way. It’s how our mom or dad did it. It’s how our extended family did it. It seems to work. Then someone introduces us to a thought or idea, that suggests that whatever it is, can be done in a cleaner, easier, more successful way. There may even be a suggestion that what we think is working really isn’t, and we need to make a change. That can feel intimidating.

Do you hang back? I mean, you thought things were OK. Even if you knew they weren’t working all that well, you might feel unsure about your ability to make a change. Maybe the thought that what you have been doing, that isn’t working, makes you mad, and you want to turn your back on the new idea or suggestion. Been there, done that! It took me a long time to learn that even when something seems to be working it might work better managed another way and that if something isn’t working, you really can make a change.

Here is my Point:

We can get stuck in how we approach problems, and health issues, manage ourselves and relationships, discipline children, or chop cooking meat. We can be resistant to experimenting with something new. But often, if we open ourselves up to new thoughts, ideas, ways of being, and resources, we can learn to manage better.

I can’t begin to tell you all the resources I have taken advantage of in the past 40 years. Here is a very abbreviated list of some things I have changed over the years because I finally began experimenting with new thoughts and ideas.

I now mash my meat faster, cleaner, and more safely when it is cooking. LOL
I listened to a friend who taught me how to manage when my kids were not doing what I wanted. Over time, with her continued advice and support, I changed the relationship I had with my children.
When my neighbor, who was a nurse, gave me a pamphlet on anger management I was shocked. But her concern and the ideas she presented stuck and over time I did get control of my anger. I stopped raging and yelling.
I took a couple of classes to learn to manage my money stories, the ones I got while growing up. This information has changed many things. The work isn’t fully done, but I feel more at ease with money.
I had some serious reservations about anything outside of traditional medicine. I was totally in a box about it. However, a time came when I finally climbed out of the box and saw a homeopathic doctor. WOW! She was able to crack some health issues for me that had caused me to suffer for years.
After having it come to me three times, I tried energy healing which seemed like wowo to me. I was able to heal from some childhood trauma and begin to regain boundaries. It wasn’t something I entered into lightly. I did considerable knee time in order to choose the right practitioner and remain safe. It was a short stint of work, but it was so important in my life.
After having a particular book on energy types come around three times, I finally read it. I had been totally uninterested because for over a decade I had heard about energy types at business meetings and I wasn’t all that impressed with the information. I was grateful that I finally listened to my inner voice about this particular book. It answered the question as to why I sometimes felt like two people in the same body. It also helped me appreciate my husband more.
After some years of resistance, I read two books on emotional healing, a thing that I didn’t put much stock into. They were written by women with very different spiritual outlooks. However, both were pivotal in my learning to communicate with my body, and it has made a difference in my health. I love my body and we now communicate. : )
I grew up in a family and an extended family of complainers. It was what everyone did. It was normal. But eventually, I heard from others that I admired, that complaining wasn’t an innocent pastime and caused problems in life. Well, I wasn’t ever going to be able to change that! But, eventually, I decided I could change. I read a fabulous book and I have made changes. I am not perfect at this skill yet, but I am getting darn good.

Not everything that has come my way has been the right thing for me. I had to learn how to discern when to accept a new resource, idea, or thought. That is a skill that took time to learn. It isn’t wise to read every book, go to every class, listen to every friend, or accept that something you are doing is wrong on the say-so of another person. So how can you know what to try and what to walk away from?

Tips for Discernment:

1. When confronted with a new idea, thought, tool, class, book, or another resource, I ask myself if there is really an issue it might address better than how I manage now. I look honestly and deeply at the situation. I ask myself hard questions and give myself honest feedback. It can be painful. This is, in itself, a skill that must be practiced. But over time you can get better at being honest with yourself.

2. If I think there might be some efficacy to experimenting, I counsel with my Higher Power to get questions answered and fears allayed. Then I decide to move forward. Since I’m not perfect at hearing the Spirit or my own inner voice, I may decide to walk away and then have the same information resurface again. If something comes my way three times, then I really do take notice and put more effort into learning about it and making a decision.

3. After I have made a decision, I take that decision, in prayer, to the Lord, and I ask him if what I have decided to do is going to be good for me and if now is the time.

4. If I have good feelings after that prayer, I go for it. Sometimes I feel moved to wait. I have had times when I have been told, “Not now.” Then later, sometimes years later, I am told to go for it. The truth is, no matter how good the information may be, you have to be ready to receive it. Occasionally, I know it is not for me, ever, no matter how good it is.

Let me share some examples:

A. I considered energy healing dangerous and dark. However, it kept coming up. I went through the process above sure that the answer not to become involved was correct. I got the opposite response to my prayer, and I was shocked. I was led to a safe and knowledgeable practitioner and did a short stint of work with her. I was able to clear up a situation with my dad who had been dead for over a decade. So freeing.

B. In the early 70’s I had three children and was a wreck. I didn’t know at the time that I was suffering from severe postpartum depression. I thought I was just a horrible person. One of my dearest friends suggested I read a parenting book. It was a New York Times bestseller and it changed many things for the better in her family.

I wasn’t as familiar with the process I have just outlined but I did pray. I knew clearly that reading this book was a bad idea for me. I didn’t know why, I just knew I wasn’t to read it. It wasn’t until a few decades later that I read the book. I was ready, but I could see how damaging it would have been for me back then, despite the great ideas it contained. I would have had my ‘badness’ confirmed.

Sometimes there is only one thing out of a whole class, book, doctor’s appointment, counseling or mentoring session, conversation with another trusted adult, etc. that you need, but that one thing has an impact that was worth whatever time or money it cost.

In the mid-eighties, I took the class Parenting with Love and Logic. I had so much baggage at that time that only one thing stayed with me. That one thing helped me manage our family during the drug years. It made ALL the difference when dealing with kids who were not manageable.

Other times, the entire resource can be life-altering, and is well worth your time and/or money.

My final words:

We need to hang on to what is working. There is always more than one way to do something right. We also need to be open to broadening our knowledge base. We need to jettison the fear of change. We need to be willing to grow. We need to trust ourselves that we can change and then be willing to experiment with new ideas and thoughts. We need to be discerning in how to move forward.

Be willing to learn, change, and grow. Your life will be better!

Personal Growth When Life Turns Upside Down

Jams and Grahams – a Caregivers Story of Personal Growth

Last week I shared a tremendous story of how my sister maintained her sense of value and happiness and was able to problem-solve effectively during a very stressful experience. Today I want to share one more that is equally amazing. This happened on Christmas day, 2022, so I wanted to share it before we were too far into the new year.

My sister Rozanne’s husband has had two strokes. They have upended their lives. Some days can be very challenging. As she said, “Since the second stroke, it has been six months of ‘adding in and letting go,’ of various expectations, for both of us.”

Christmas was not the same. There were no gifts under the tree they had purchased for each other. It wasn’t something her husband was capable of, and she had been busy taking care of Christmas for her grown family and others she loves and cares about.

Nevertheless, we want to carry on with traditions, so on Christmas morning Rozanne placed a bow on a box of jam that she had purchased for Daryl. He loves jam. She chose not to wrap the box, only adding a bow. At this challenging time, she had been practicing letting go of what had seemed important in the past but that she now knows is unimportant. After all, since her husband’s stroke what was necessary and important had changed a lot.

The box of jam looked lonely sitting there. Then she remembered Daryl had asked his son, Kenny, to buy a box of graham crackers for her, because he knows she loves them. They were in the kitchen cupboard. She went to the kitchen and retrieved the box of crackers and placed them under the tree next to the jam. Into her mind came these words, ‘Jams and Grahams,’ a Caregivers’ Story of Personal Growth. As a full-time caregiver, I can relate to my sister’s experience!

You see, life isn’t static. It changes. Sometimes the change is exciting and pleasurable. Sometimes it requires that we manage our story and in turn how we choose to feel.

The Rest of the Story

My sister could have mourned the changes that Christmas morning, but instead she took charge of the story, and the result was joy, not sorrow. Let me share the rest of the story and you will see what I mean.

Daryl was happy to see two gifts under the tree. He took his bottles of jam and put them in hiding. : ) As my sister walked to the kitchen to put her graham crackers back in the cupboard she noticed that Daryl had taken the bow from his jam package and placed it on her cracker box. My sister said, “The picture in my mind of that sweet gesture, will remain in my thoughts, for the rest of my life.”

This year, choose to suffer less. Choose to remain in control of your stories. Write them in your mind in a way that lifts you, no matter what happens. You are 100% in control of your response to whatever comes your way. You can’t control everything that happens or how others behave, but you can control your response.