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From the Archive – Two Principles of Power: Show Up & Stay Present

Two Principles of Power

A mother who attended one of my classes in the early days of my teaching career mentioned that because what I taught was based on principles, she could go home and put it right to work. A principle is a fundamental truth that we can build on. There are five principles I have focused on in my life and career that determine success, or mediocrity, and failure in our efforts. In the beginning, I called them the Five Rules of Engagement. Today, I call them the Five Principles of Power. These five principles help us achieve greater success in our family interactions, relationships, communities, personal learning, and growth. I will share all five next week, but today I am focusing on the first two because I have a story I want to share: 1. Structure time & be consistent, or in other words, show up, and then 2. Remain Present.

Over the years, I’ve had many opportunities to practice these principles and prove their efficacy. A decade and a half ago, I decided to learn to meditate. Because of my penchant for movement, meditation was not easy for me to master. At times, I was challenged to keep my commitment to the practice of meditation. I had a friend helping me remain accountable, and I sometimes didn’t want to keep my commitments to her. This was partly because I didn’t feel I was making much progress.

She Hit the Nail On the Head

During this learning time, my friend sent me an email (I have adjusted it slightly for this article) that I want to share. It wasn’t easy to read. When we know something well and teach others, we want to believe we have it down. But that isn’t always the truth. Knowing and doing are two sides of a coin. She said, “Sticking with meditating daily is your commitment to a peaceful heart and life. You tell families that structured time is vital. You tell them they must show up and be present during that structured time. The same principle works here. If you show up as you said you would, the blessings come. Meditation is your personal structured time commitment. And you know that the magic cannot be preplanned, it happens when you show up.”

She hit the nail on the head. It is about showing up and staying present. It didn’t matter if I thought my daily meditation was successful or not. If I showed up and remained present, it was successful! That was a tall order for me, as I have said. At the time, I had a busy life. I was working full-time and building a teaching/mentoring career on the side. When I woke up I didn’t have a cup of herbal tea, and let my body adjust to its new state of awakeness. I didn’t stop to fix my hair unless I knew I was going somewhere that day. I would run a brush through it and say, “That’ll do.” My husband has often said that I am like a firefighter; the bell rings and I am up, dressed, and on the move in 30 seconds flat. So, sitting quietly for eight full minutes was a KILLER. And then to stay present with the meditating, to mentally nod at the thoughts that were pounding in my brain to be heard and gently usher them out without focusing on them, WOW, that was a tall order. Some days I wanted to say, “NO!”

She was also correct about the magic that comes when you show up and stay present. It cannot be planned, it just happens. Years ago, I shared the experience of a mom who let her kids make a snow swamp, which morphed into a volcano creation, which wound itself into the color wheel and creating colors, which led to colored toast art, and then flung itself into a soda fountain and counting change? That was a magical day for her and her kids. This magical family moment happened because the mom showed up and remained present.

The Results of Committing to Showing Up and Remaining Present

Back in May of 2010, I finally fully committed myself to show up and remain Present for 8 minutes of quiet meditation a day. I sat on a stool in my kitchen every morning, sometimes as early as 5am, to make it happen. I was reading the book Eight Minute Meditation by Victor Davich. With the book’s help, every week I practiced a new meditation. I finally found the one that worked the best for me, and as I said, I continued my kitchen meditation for several years. Then I made a change. I stopped meditating during the day and did it at bedtime. I have now used this tool every night for thirteen years. It’s made a difference in my level of peace. I go to sleep in less than 15 minutes, no matter how jumbled or troubled the day. I sleep better. I wake more refreshed. I have shown up and remained present, and I have reaped the rewards of doing so for over a decade and a half.

Remember that 90% of success is just showing up and remaining present. These principles always apply. They applied to my meditation, regardless of how I chose to do it. They apply to magical family moments, healthy relationships, successful home management, personal learning, and growth, etc.

So, choose to show up and remain present. It’s a choice.

Learning Play – Chemistry Via a Child’s Spark – Part 1

Our homemade crystals on chenille stems.

The wonderful experience I had with my Colorado grands in the summer of 2012 is too long for one article, so I am breaking it into two parts. They are still longish, but this was such a fun experience, I know you will enjoy reading about it and possibly doing something similar with your children or grands.

A Chemistry Lesson on the Fly

When we had this adventure, Ashley was eight, Lizzy was six, and their little brother, Parker, was three. I asked Lizzy and Ashley if they wanted to help me put some family mementoes into my hutch. It was fun work and led the girls on our chemistry adventure because of something this job sparked in them.

As we filled the hutch, I told them the stories behind each item. Some of the last items they put into the hutch were crystals that my daughter Jenny had sent to me from Southern Utah. Ashley asked me what these cool rocks were, and I told her they were crystals from the desert. She then asked how they were made. I replied that I didn’t know, but that we could find out. I told her I knew how to grow crystals from sugar, and we would begin there.

We went to the computer and googled “how crystals grow”. We found an instructional video on growing sugar crystals. The girls watched it three times. Then they gave me blow-by-blow directions on what we needed to do. We mixed one cup of sugar and three cups of water in a pan and brought it to a boil. We added a few drops of food coloring. Then we poured it into two jars. We wrapped chenille stems (pipe cleaners) onto butter knives and lowered them into the liquid, and put the jars on the windowsill in the kitchen. Ashley wanted to know why we were using chenille stems instead of string. Wouldn’t our candy be fuzzy? I replied that I thought the chenille gave the crystals many small spaces to grow in, so they would grow faster.

While we waited for the sugar and water to boil, I realized this is also how you make suckers. We added some corn syrup to the leftover mixture (no recipe, just poured a little in) and set it to boil again. Then I taught my granddaughters what soft ball, hard ball, and hard crack were when you make candy. We tested the candy often so they could see and taste all the stages. When it reached the hard crack stage, we poured it into a buttered pie pan and let it cool. I told the girls this was called Glass Candy. When it was cool, we broke it into pieces with a small hammer. Lizzy said it did look like glass. I asked her what made it look like glass. Both she and Ashley mentioned that it had sharp edges, you could see through it, and it broke like glass. I asked them if they knew what it was called when you could see through something like glass. They didn’t know. We talked about the words transparent, translucent, and opaque. This part of responding to the spark of interest they had shown in crystals took about 35 minutes. Eating the glass candy was the best!

Ashley and Lizzy were keen to know more, so we headed to the library. As we walked, the girls looked at the large rocks people had in their yards and driveways as decorations. Many had small shiny bits in them. They asked if they were crystals. I shared the term mica, which is what they were talking about. As we walked, they created a game with each deciding if a large rock had shiny bits because it held crystals or mica.

Books Can Rock an Adventure (no pun intended LOL)

At the library, we picked out books on rocks and crystals. I read them a children’s book on how rocks are made. It talked about volcanoes and igneous rocks. It had information about sand and the shells of tiny sea animals, and how sedimentary rocks are made. It showed in very simple terms how metamorphic rocks are made. This information really caught their attention. They asked questions about everything and practically had their noses on the page to get a really good look at all the pictures.

They were fascinated with the fact that there was hot, melted rock inside the Earth called magma, and that sometimes it erupts from the Earth. Lizzy wanted to know what erupt meant. They were interested in information about what happens when lava cools. They were intrigued by the fact that when it cools, it becomes igneous rock, and sometimes, if there were people nearby, it left mummies. They squealed at the pictures of the mummies.

At home, we created some volcanoes with leftover play-dough I had. They turned out great, and we were able to get them to erupt using baking soda. They were proud to show their parents and younger sibling what they had learned.

Tune in next week for Part 2 of this awesome chemistry adventure.
It gets even better!

Learning Play – Dragonflies and Katydids

Learning play – Maggie and Jack learning about dragonflies and katydids.

Sometimes something happens that dictates what you introduce to your children or grandchildren. That happened to me in 2011, when I was meeting with my grands weekly to engage in learning play.

Don and I sat on the balcony to enjoy the fall sunshine one afternoon. Right there on the deck was a perfectly preserved dragonfly. These happen to be my FAVORITE insect, next to the Cat Spider, which isn’t an insect. LOL A few days later, while I was walking to the car, there on the sidewalk, in plain sight, was a magnificent and dead katydid. Eureka, what an amazing find!!! You don’t see them often.

Naturally, I headed to the library for a few good books about insects. I knew that late October and early November are late in the season for finding many insects. I also knew that spring was the best time to teach about insects. However, I couldn’t resist sharing these magnificent specimens, and I knew I couldn’t wait until spring. So, insects it would be the next time I met with my grands.

When I got to their home, I asked Jack, Maggie, and Mary if they knew what insects were. They didn’t know the word insect, but recognized a bug when they saw it. : ) I asked them if they knew about dragonflies and katydids. They recognized the dragonfly but not the katydid.

We looked at the books and talked about dragonflies and other insects. When I came across the picture of the katydid, we came up with a prank that they could play on their Aunt Kate. I suggested that when their Aunt Kate came over, they could say “Well, how ya doin Katydid!” They laughed at that, and it made their day.

I asked the children if they had ever seen a real dragonfly or a katydid up close. No, they hadn’t. I asked them if they would like to. Jack got a worried expression on his face and hesitantly said, “OK.” I opened my box of bugs, and he took a few steps backward. He put his hand over his mouth. He was afraid. I picked up the dragonfly and showed them the wings and the huge eyes, and where the eggs come out. We talked about the thorax and the abdomen and found them on the dragonfly. Jack stayed at a distance, but Mary, despite the look of concern on her face, kept edging forward.

Mary was brave first, but then Jack came along. Maggie, “NO WAY!”

Holding insects is fun!, once you get brave enough to do it.

I eventually asked Mary if she wanted to hold the dragonfly. She reached out, pulled back, reached out, pulled back, and reached out again. Finally, she let me put it into her hand. She was fascinated. She chatted up a storm, pointing to the head, eyes, body, and wings. She handled it so much that, of course, the abdomen eventually broke loose. Then the head came off. She almost ate the head, thinking it looked like a piece of candy, I guess. I tell you, you gotta watch little ones! : )

Of course, Jack couldn’t be outdone by his “not quite 2-year-old” sister, so he came forward and held the katydid, but he wouldn’t have anything to do with the dragonfly. Mary also held the katydid completely fascinated.

Maggie, who was 5 ½, would have absolutely nothing to do with any bug in her hand!!!! She was firm about it and never budged. She was, however, mesmerized by the books and pored over every picture long after the others wandered off.

Interesting Dragonfly Facts for Kids

Scientists attached tiny transmitters to dragonflies to see where they fly
They have 3 main body parts: head, thorax, and abdomen
Their compound eyes have 28,000 separate lenses per eye
They are meat eaters with strong jaws
They have a 3-part life cycle: egg, nymph, adult
Males live 24 hours to several weeks, females slightly longer, so they can lay eggs
Males are territorial
Very few eggs hatch because so many things can go wrong
The Japanese consider the dragonfly a sign of good luck
In America, we sometimes call them mosquito hawks or darning needles

Make a Dragonfly

We made a simple paper dragonfly craft out of graduated circles of construction paper, wiggle eyes, and pipe cleaners. They enjoyed that project and flew them before we hung them up.

Books About Insects for Kids

Dragonflies by Sophie Lockwood
Dazzling Dragonflies by Linda Glaser
Bugs Up Close by Diane Swanson
Insects and Their Relatives by Maurice Burton
Insects by Liz Wyse – This is a fabulous book for older kids, showing them how to experience being bugs themselves by creating bug parts to wear!

It was a fun day. Jack wanted to keep the katydid and show his dad how brave he was. The dragonfly, by this time, was in many pieces, due to Mary’s fascination.

The Outcome of this Learning Play

What has come from all this bug handling and picture book learning? I am known as the ‘bug grandma.” All my grands, those that live close and those who are far away, know that I love insects. I find them wherever I go, pick them up, talk about them, and have helped my grands overcome their fear of them. Most still don’t like them, but they aren’t afraid. They have mailed me specimens in small jewelry boxes. They have carefully carried them in the car when coming to visit.

On this last 4th of July weekend, we had a family reunion. One of my adult grands brought me two June bugs that she found on the deck. She had picked them up without any trepidation. That same woman brought me a bug that I think was some type of cricket. It was fascinating.

One of my great-grandchildren picked up and handled a toad. They were all over the place. I held a toad, too. : ) When we share what fascinates us, we can instill a love of the same in our children and grands. When we pay attention to what is sparking them, we can kindle a passion for learning and personal growth.

Learning play is a wonderful way to engage in conversations, teach principles, and introduce children to the world.

Besides that, it is fun!!

A Series of Conversations – Do You Need a Reminder to SMILE

How Can You Remind Yourself to Care for Self?

On my daily worksheet, I have ‘smile’ in the section titled Care for Self. Yup, I must remind myself to check in and see if I have made the effort to smile during some of my busy and often chaotic days. Sorta sounds like your days, doesn’t it, as you wrangle littles or manage teens? : ) Recently, I had a conversation with my friend, Livia. She has an alarm set on her phone that reminds her to smile. Whew, I am not so weird.

The truth is, we need prompts to remind us to do the things that often get left behind in the business of the day. These are like mini systems. I use a daily worksheet, and Livia uses an alarm. It doesn’t matter how you set up your mini system, as long as it works for you.

I do have a few alarms set on my phone to remind me about important things. You know, the things that trump laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking, and so forth. Here are a few of mine: phone a family member, care for the dog, make sure Don took his meds, etc. I also have things on my daily worksheet I want to remember: read, be alone, even if it’s only for five minutes, sing, take a walk, pray, read my truth statements aloud, study, and so forth. I don’t get everything crossed off every day, but the goal is to cross off enough so that I have fed my soul, as I have cared for others.

I use my daily worksheet, Livia uses alarms on her phone, and some people put notes on the bathroom mirror or over the kitchen sink. All these mini systems help us remember to care for ourselves in simple ways. These mini systems help us be more consistent, and consistency yields better results. As you can see from my worksheet and phone alarms, there isn’t anything big on the list. They’re all simple. Small in their scope, but big in accumulated results.

During the coming week, think about the simple, daily things that would bring you inner peace and outer joy. Then find a way to prompt yourself to get them done.

It will help you be healthy, remain more positive, feel less resentment, have greater energy, and feel successful at the end of the day.

An Example That Will Bless Our Children

This week, I began cleaning the top shelves that encircle my living room and the two bedrooms. It’s a big job, requires a ladder, and the accumulated dust is incredible. I only do this once a year.

As I dusted the books, I thought: “One day I will be sitting at the table reading all these wonderful books, learning so much. It’s going to be amazing.” I was thinking about the years between ninety and one hundred, yes, I plan to be around that long and won’t be alone until then. LOL I wouldn’t be caregiving, going to lots of doctors’ appointments, or running grands to and fro. So, it stands to reason that I would have more time for what I have always loved, learning.

However, waiting until I am in my nineties to do something that I know is valuable today is silly. Then I recalled my daily affirmation/commitments that I read every morning without fail. Here is a new statement for 2025: “I read, study, and write daily. As I fill my mind with truth and knowledge, my soul expands, my wisdom increases, and I am blessing others.”

The truth is, I am not waiting until I can sit uninterrupted to learn, grow, and share with others. I am doing it now, amid the chaos of a four-generation home, caregiving, and a busy life. This is something we can all do.

An Example

I worked with a mom who pushed her kids to learn. She was after them all the time. It became harder and harder for all of them. I asked her why she felt desperate and pushed her kids so hard. Here is what she shared. She believed she had wasted a lot of her childhood not learning. She left high school with mediocre grades. She hadn’t read many books. She felt uneducated. She was determined to save her kids from her fate. Yet for all her good intentions, she was having a daily fight with her two oldest children.

Here is what I know about this woman. She is intelligent and talented. She runs her own successful business. Her home is clean and orderly. Her children are learning, active in sports, music, and socially. She has a growing marriage relationship. This mother began homeschooling in hopes of helping her children feel smarter and more accomplished than she felt. She was getting the same results she had seen when they were in public education.

This woman felt like a failure because of what she believed about her past. She has felt for decades that she isn’t smart. However, all she has accomplished in the present belies that story. Many adults share this woman’s experience. I homeschooled my last two, but Kate has always felt uneducated. So, this isn’t about what educational system we choose. It’s about how we view learning, our families, and our own.

Do we make time for learning?
Do we give our children an example of someone who values growing and changing?
Do we read?
Do we read to our kids? Family reading can be life-changing.
Do we allocate time to share what we learn with each other?
Are books and audiobooks available?

You Do It First!

One of the best ways to help our children love learning and make it a part of their lives is for us to do it first; to be an example of the power of learning and growing.

I suggested to this devoted mother that she begin learning and let her children see her doing it; begin trusting that she is smart and can learn. I suggested she read for herself and to her family, and that they have dinner conversations about ideas and thoughts. I told her it would be wise to read what her kids read and discuss those books. I suggested that she read an occasional hard book and then tell her children about the Ahas she has. What about letting them see you taking notes? Maybe have a family book club if your kids are adults. In short, model a love of learning and how you are growing and changing because of it.

Everyone must learn to love growth. We do that personally by reading, studying, conversing about what we are learning, and sometimes, being mentored. We help build this love in our children by modeling it for them.

Ways to Model Learning and Growth

Don’t wait for the chaos to leave; find ways now. Put a book in the bathroom and read one paragraph whenever you go in that room. It may not feel like much, but I promise you will read more than you think possible, and you will bless the lives of your children and eventually your grandchildren.
Listen to audiobooks.
Have mini conversations and dinner conversations. This is facilitated when we have something to share, ask good questions, and eat together occasionally. : )
Have books available. I read things way above my level when I was a girl because my father returned to college when he had nine children. The books were everywhere, so I read them. I didn’t understand much, but enough to keep me interested.

My children have commented as adults that my continued growth has helped them do the same. I am merely sharing what I have experienced as a youth, a mother, and now as a grandmother. Think about this. What interests you? What do you want to know more about? What could you read that sounds interesting right here, at home, right now? Be brave and begin.

Anyone Can Have an Enlarged Perspective

Last fall, on a walk with a friend, Livia asked me how I got such an enlarged perspective growing up in the era I did. It is because my parents were learners. My mom sang, led music, and taught classes in church and her craft store. My dad was a reader and always had books lying around. He talked with many people. They were both open to learning.

I married a man who isn’t a reader. I read to him and help him listen to talks and podcasts. His greatest gift is his ability to connect with people. He is full of questions and learns a great deal as he listens. This comes naturally for him, but I have to work on it. : )

While looking at old cards and letters, I found something I had written to Don early in our parenting, probably in our forties– “…the better able you are to communicate with deity and others, the more the turmoil dies down like a boiling pot being stirred. It’s still boiling, the turmoil and need to change are still there, but the stirring keeps it from boiling over or becoming more than is bearable.”

This is what our continuing education helps us with – perspective and keeping the pot from boiling over.

Don’t put your learning and growth on hold for a more convenient or quiet time. It can be done at home, in small moments now, and shared with those you love.

It’s part of the legacy you give to your children.

From Sixty-Two to Seventy-Five, This Hasn’t Changed!

From the movie The Kid

The 40-year-old man and the eight-year-old boy sat together in the airport diner, eating fries and burgers. They each thought their own thoughts about life, as it is and as it would be. The man and the boy were the same person, who, through some fluke, was in the same space and time together.

8-year-old: You’re not mad?
40-year-old: About what?
8-year-old: That we didn’t change anything.
40-year-old: No. Are you ok that you’ll have to fight that bully every day for the rest of grade school and go through high school ugly?
8-year-old: But not dumb.
40-year-old: No, not dumb. And that you’ll go through college without a date.
8-year-old: And get to be 40 with no family.

They look at each other and smile. Then, a dog named Chester grabs a fry, and they run out to the tarmac and see the 70-year-old man. He too is them. He has a family and flies a plane.

40-year-old: Are you who I think you are?
70-year-old: Smile and a nod.
40-year-old: How did we do it?
70-year-old: You have 30 years to find out.

And here is what they all three know – We can do this; it will all work out, and dreams do come true.

As the 70-year-old flies away with his family, we hear the 8-year-old and the 40-year-old shout, “We made it! We’re OK! We’re not a loser! We grew up to be a pilot with a family!” Then they do a happy dance.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to know, for sure, that despite how now looks and feels, you are going to be OK? Wouldn’t it be nice? The desire to know we are not losers and are OK is inside each of us.

When I was sixty-two, I emailed a very successful, well-known woman and asked her to help me with something in my business. It was as intimidating to me as writing the queen. She responded. shocked that I would think enough of her to ask. Imagine! We shared our hopes, dreams, struggles, and some of our fears. Here’s what I discovered: She is me, and I am her. We are more alike than we are different. I think that’s true of all of us. We worry that what is coming won’t live up to our expectations, that we won’t live up to our expectations.

Here is what I know:

• Today is all there is, so rejoice and be glad in it.
• Everything won’t work out or be easy, but it will be all right in the end.
• You do not carry your load alone, no matter how it feels.
• Time heals all wounds if we let it and seek resources and help.
• Everything changes, and that is a good thing, even though it feels scary at times.
• We are all more alike than we are different.
• We all struggle in one way or another, so be kind to everyone.
• You have more power than you know.

I wrote these words when I was sixty-two, a baby compared to now! I am seventy-five and sharing these thoughts again because not only have they not changed, but they have also become truer in my heart and life. I know they are true!

On the wall in my office/bedroom, I have these thoughts printed:

The Lord has a plan for me, and it will be a GIFT! Mary Ann Johnson

Life is incredibly unfair – in your favor. Jennie Taylor

Whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say, “It is well with my soul.” From the Hymn, It Is Well With My Soul by Horacio Spafford

We want everything to happen for a reason. A better mindset might be to let God make reason of everything that happens. Jennie Taylor

We can feel heartbreak and joy at the same time. Matt Haig

You can’t wait until life stops being hard to be happy. Jane Marczewski – Nightbirde

If you do your best, it will all work out. Mary Ann Johnson

Our dreams can come true. We can live up to our expectations. There is a plan, and we fit perfectly into it. It may not happen in the time frame we want, but if we hold on to hope and believe in ourselves, we will win.

Isn’t that nice to know!

Attunement = Being Present

I know that resources matter. When I was working to become a better mother there weren’t many. But what I could find, I used, and they made a difference. So, when I find a resource that may help my friends and readers, I share.

I received this email from a friend:

“I recently watched the podcast Follow Him with Hank Smith and John Bytheway…. Their guest presenter…was Dr. Matt Townsend, who is a therapist. Many of the things he was saying reminded me of you and what you have shared about being present and communicating.”

I wasn’t familiar with Dr. Townsend or the podcast, but I took the time to listen because I love Susan and know she cares about me. Dr. Matt Townsend is a relationship coach who has met with thousands of couples over 25 years. It was interesting how what I have taught about connecting with children meshed with what Dr. Townsend shared about relationship health.

I’m no scholar so it was heartwarming and edifying to see how close I have come to what scholars have learned. I learned from hard experience and the tutoring of God, rather than in school. I was also privileged to work with a few hundred families and saw firsthand what I had learned as a mother. It’s amazing what I have gotten right based on what Dr. Townsend shared.

He used a word I was unfamiliar with but found worth sharing – attunement.

To have attunement you must be Present. To be Present you need to turn off your mind enough to connect or commune with another person. If someone smiles, we generally smile back. If they laugh, we laugh. This is attunement.

Dr. Townsend pointed out that when Jesus speaks, he then looks at the multitude. He is attuning and getting in sync with the people he is teaching. He is reading them. I thought this was wonderful. Doesn’t this sound like the being Present I have taught you over the years? I appreciated that my friend Susan saw this in what Dr, Townsend was teaching. It confirmed that we can learn anything, and God will take us where we need to go.

Dr. Townsend talked about how the gift of tech is robbing us of attunement. Why anxiety is going up. I was reminded of the story I shared years ago about four teens sitting together on my apartment steps and texting one another, never looking up or speaking a word.

Dr Townsend said, “If we don’t look around because we’re so attached to our phones, we miss what our kids are feeling and saying.” I’ve written about that too. I learned it the hard way, not as much with tech as with home management, which I allowed to swallow my attention.

Dr. Townsend talked about John Gottman and a statistic he shared. John and his wife developed The Gottman Method, a couple’s therapy approach that uses research-based interventions to help couples improve their relationships. John said, that in 86% of successful partnerships, it’s because one partner will turn to the other when they initiate a conversation – they get in sync or attunement. Now that Don and I are older we intentionally do this. We do not want to become roommates but remain friends and sweethearts. It takes thought and intention. One of my daily affirmations is about this very thing.

As I studied attunement, I learned that when our brain gets in sync with the other person’s brain we connect and can then share similar emotions. This would be very helpful when talking with a teen or young adult who may be reticent to share.

Here is one other tidbit that Dr. Townsend shared that can help us remember how to attune to another person or be present. He created the anacronym REAL.

It stands for:

1. Recognise their emotion
2. Explore their story
3. Attend to their deeper needs
4. Lift them

Caregiving has allowed me to practice and learn more about attunement and being present than I learned even as a mother of seven. I am open to learning more. That is key to growth, being open.

My book Becoming a Present Parent is filled with truth, written in a straightforward and easy-to-understand way. It has stories of my failure to connect and be present or to attune with my children. It also has stories of my successes and shows the path I traveled to get from A to B. If you haven’t read or listened to it, and struggle with family relationships now may be the time. It’s written not as a scholar, but as a mother who has been where you may be and has gone where you want to go.

You can listen to Dr. Townsend on YouTube or check out his site.

Resources are available for those who are open to learning and will do the work. We need to find the resource that works for us. I have a scripture I end all my emails with. It’s a reminder to be Present, to be attuned to those around you. “But blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear.” Matthew 13:16

Do the work. Change and grow, Bless your family!

Peaceful Intensity?

My friend Livia read a book about Neal A. Maxwell. In the book, they used the phrase ‘peaceful intensity’ to describe how he managed his busy life. It’s a way of being that can be cultivated. It involves how we perceive what is happening in the moment. Maxwell said you can be busy but still function from a place of peace. As Livia and I talked I wondered, “How can those two words even go together?” I was intrigued by the idea and this unique phrase.

This is becuase I’ve been experiencing this place of busy peace in the last few years. It happens when I have this thought, STOP and TURN. In other words, shift how you see what is happening. When I listen and follow the thought I manage better. Even if the pace doesn’t slow down, my heart does. Imagine how life would be if this was our way of being most of the time.

This experience comes and goes in spurts, but it happens. It has felt as if I’m being taught from on high. As I have learned how it feels I can now consciously choose peaceful intensity. In the last year, I have experienced it more than ever before.

Most of you know I shower at night, not because I need to get clean but because it’s my quiet, ‘talk to God’ place. As I step into the shower on a day where nothing went as planned, but I STOPPED and TURNED, I have recognized a flow, a feeling of moving along without rapids in the river. I could honestly tell God I had done my best and felt satisfied that all that was needful had been done. These shower moments are precious because I go to sleep feeling peaceful despite the actual makeup of the day.

Let me share how it felt just two years ago. I sensed that around 3 pm my day shredded apart. I lost the sense of flow and struggled to stay centered. During my shower time, I felt distracted, disorganized, and dissatisfied. I remember watching the clock, racing it to that 3 pm moment while feeling a sense of panic. During my shower, I would plead with God to be shown how to get control. Funny how God answers prayers.

It isn’t about control, lack of distractions, or getting things ticked off the list. It’s about remaining calm with what is, in other words, peaceful intensity.

Do you know that while writing this I realized I haven’t looked at the clock during the day for some time? I haven’t thought about that 3 pm moment. Why? Has any physical thing changed? No, it hasn’t. Caregiving is filled with interruptions, added tasks, irritations, etc. It’s part of the calling. Doctor appointments haven’t gone away. Managing a home and helping with my granddaughter remains. Dementia is still in my life 24/7. All that changed is that I have worked to let go of the 3 p.m. story and have begun experiencing something new in my heart, peaceful intensity. I know it was an answer to my prayer about control. : ) I’ve been shown that control won’t solve the dilemma of overly busy days. However, how we approach those days, can.

TWO EXAMPLES OF PEACEFUL INTENSITY

I work diligently to write during the week. I want the article uploaded, edited, and formatted before Saturday. I need the podcast recorded. I want the newsletter to be ready to go. I want Saturday to be free. By free I don’t mean ‘no work or interruptions’, that never happens, but at least no writing deadlines. : )

However, one week in November I left it all until Sat. I began writing at 10 and didn’t finish until 4 because writing takes time and there were the usual interruptions. As I finished, I sat in awe and couldn’t believe how peaceful I felt and how smoothly it had gone despite all I had to manage along with the writing. This is what I have been experiencing more and more often.

Let me share what happened today. It’s January 4, 2025. I was able to have a few days away from home. My goal was to do lots of writing and move into the new year ahead. However, Don had surgery the day after Christmas and my mom had been ill and in great pain for over half the month. I felt I couldn’t go even though I would only be a mile from home. However, my daughter wouldn’t let me change plans.

Every day, from Monday through Thursday, I drove home to make sure all was well. I also had Don’s incision to care for. Tuesday was New Year’s so I spent most of the day and all that night at home. Wednesday, Mom was still ill and Don’s incision needed attending, so I was home for a few hours. That cut into my writing time. On Thursday Don was better and his incision looked great. Mom was up and dressed, crocheting for the first time in two weeks.

Friday, I didn’t go home. I wrote all day and made great progress. I did the same today until around 3 pm. I had enough posts to last a couple of weeks. I was happy and relieved. I planned to write a few articles during the remainder of the day.

Then out of nowhere, I got scammed. I was posting on one of my business pages and received a notification my site was being suspended. You know the rest of the story. They changed my password, and all three sites went down as if they never existed. I couldn’t access our church site which I post on for my calling. I can’t even open a new account.

I spent an hour trying everything that Facebook said to do. Nothing worked. I called my daughter, and she didn’t know what to do. So there I was, two days of writing and no way to use it. I had a moment where I thought I would go home because what was the use? The whole getaway had been a waste. I felt completely discouraged.

Then I had that feeling, STOP and TURN. I went back to my computer and began this article. I felt at peace. We would work it out or not and I could still write for you. All was not lost. That sense of peace moved in and the sense of desperation and hurry that the situation had stirred up, left. As I have written this I’ve been enveloped in peaceful intensity. The trouble isn’t gone. I don’t know what it will take to repair it if it can be repaired. But I’m OK. I went on to write two more articles.

These are two examples of real-life peaceful intensity. In both situations, I had to allow peace to enter my crazy day intentionally.

I’m a novice in this process, so why am I even writing about it? I hope to encourage you to think about practicing peaceful intensity, regardless of what’s happening. I can only share what I have learned so far. I know there’s more, and I will be taught. Then, I will share more.

WHAT I HAVE DONE

I became aware that there was a new way I could think.
I prayed for guidance and help. It’s always wise to ask someone who knows more than you. : )
I continue to be aware of my stories and control them. I am pretty good at this part. I’ve been practicing for a decade and a half.
I intentionally decided to incorporate peaceful intensity into my way of being.
I am practicing, practicing, practicing.
Finally, I don’t berate myself on those days when I don’t do well. It is counterproductive.

I haven’t read A Disciple’s Life: The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell by Bruce C. Hafen. I may never get to it. But God can and is teaching me about rest and rejuvenation, as it relates to peaceful intensity.

He can teach you too.

If We Have Been Foolish, We Can Then Be Wise. It Is A Choice.

Parenting is a place to learn to grow as a person. Seriously. : ) Even now, when I’m caregiving, rather than parenting, I experience examples of this type of growth. It always takes me off guard because I would like to think that in almost 75 years, I had gotten this growth thing handled. Silly, because learning and personal growth are a lifetime endeavor.

This is one reason that berating ourselves when we do something foolish is not helpful. If we, instead, focus on what we just experienced, learn from it, and make a change, the experience becomes valuable. We also must realize that we may experience the same type of situation over again as we refine ourselves. It can feel discouraging if we let it, or it can feel illuminating. It’s a choice we get to make.

Today I am being vulnerable and sharing one of these growth moments.

I hope it brings a smile to your face and puts you in a thoughtful position about how you teach and communicate with your children.

My mother will be 95 in a few months and has advanced dementia. I have been caring for her for six years and you would think I have it down by now. But, as with parenting, we keep reexperiencing and refining our methods of response and teaching.

Recently, I got upset with my mom for emptying her porta-potty outside on the lawn, in the dark. She didn’t take it to the bathroom because someone was in there. I don’t like her emptying it day or night because she can’t carry it and use her cane. She also must navigate two stairs and the possibility of spillage is ever present. I empty it several times a day and she is usually totally unaware of it. But occasionally, she goes into housekeeping mode. She rearranges photos and nick-knacks in her room and wants to clean the porta-potty. This was one of those days.

As I expressed my unhappiness with her emptying the potty outside, she reminded me that she had lived on a farm. I replied, “Well, this isn’t a farm.” I told Mom she needed to ask for help when doing things like this. This was not a useful comment because for my mother every two minutes life begins again. Seriously, her tracked memory retention is 2 minutes. This was not a conversation she was going to remember. When I told her she needed to ask for help she said, “How do I ask?” I replied, “Say something like, ‘I want to empty the potty. Can I take it outside?’ I will tell you to put it in the toilet. Then we would go up the stairs together and take care of it.”

A useless conversation to be having with someone with dementia and I knew it but didn’t stop myself. As I thought about it later, I knew a better response would have been to let it go. She has never done it before and will probably never do it again. As for emptying the potty in the bathroom, occasionally she will because she can’t recall that she shouldn’t. I carried on with this conversation because I wasn’t being thoughtful about how to manage the situation. I was succumbing to my irritation. You all know what I’m talking about because you have done the same.

A few minutes later Mom came into my bedroom/office where I was working. She said she was ready to go to bed and asked me what she should do. This was a first. She has never needed help at bedtime before and she rarely lets anyone know she is heading to bed. I told her to remove her slacks, and that she usually sleeps in her shirt but does have PJ’s if she wanted them. She said she would take off the slacks and wear the shirt.

As I resumed working, I couldn’t get this odd conversation out of my mind. I assumed it was because I had told her to ask for help. By this point, she would have no recollection of that conversation, but I have learned that feelings remain. So, I went into her room and said, “Mom, you don’t need to ask about getting ready for bed. You’ve been doing fine by yourself for a long time.” Mom looked at me and replied, “It’s like I just woke up and don’t know where I am or what I am supposed to do.” It wasn’t about the porta-potty conversation but the hole that dementia leaves in a person’s life.

Although I knew my mom couldn’t recall the conversation, I wanted her to feel happy and not how being in trouble leaves you feeling. We did a lot of hugging and smiling. I told a joke and got her laughing. I wanted her to feel better. It worked. The joking and smiling helped her sleep well. Dementia is a challenge for those with the disease and those who care for them. Every day is a class in patience, controlling our response, and love.

We Sometimes Error

We sometimes have lame conversations with our kids because they didn’t do something in the way we would do it or in the adult way. Even though we know kids don’t think like adults we can’t seem to stop going on about whatever they did wrong. I did this in my parenting life. Later I would recall the exchange and wonder, “What I was thinking?”

Kids have lots to learn. We need to respond in ways that fit their age and the situation. Sometimes it’s better to let it go if it doesn’t really matter, and we’re just irritated because it wasn’t done in our way. We need to teach at their level and not keep reminding them that they didn’t consider the outcome or consequence, as an adult would.

However, if we occasionally forget to be the adult, there is a remedy, just as there was with my mom. Apologize if needed. Let them talk if they need to. Smile a lot. Give hugs because touch is healing. Leave as friends.

Parenting is not an exact science

Most of us are working with fewer skills than needed and less knowledge and understanding than we would like. But this doesn’t mean that we can’t undo mistakes when we make them. Sometimes they are large mistakes, and the temptation is to feel we have ruined the relationship.

If you feel this now and then as you parent, I invite you to read I HIT MY DAUGHTER. WHAT! I hit my teenage daughter with my fist. I was positive I couldn’t restore that relationship. However, I did, and I share what that looked like in the article. Seriously, sometimes I think I am too transparent but when it comes to other mothers who are learning, I can’t seem to help myself. LOL

I was a good mother. I’m a good daughter. In fact, I’m an amazing person, but I do dumb stuff now and then like the foolish conversation I had with my mom. But I have learned from a lifetime of caring for my family and now my mother, husband, and granddaughter, that when we error, we can also restore.

When you know this truth, you do not fall apart and wallow in grief and fear. You say a prayer, gird up your loins, and do what you can to repair the damage. It usually works.

Be brave as you parent. It isn’t only kids and teens who do foolish things. Sometimes it is us, but we, as adults can then do what is wise.

Read, Learn, and Bless Your Family

In 2011 I wrote an article on what it takes for parents to carve out time to read and study for themselves. There are many adults, my husband included, who do not read. But when children see adults in their lives reading and studying, it sets them up to do the same.

As I read what I had written, I realized that my knowledge base on some things had expanded and I had adjusted my thoughts on others. Interesting.

At any rate, it was worth sharing again. If you homeschool, then this is a must. If you want your children to enjoy reading and learning, regardless of how they are educated, this is a must. If you haven’t been a reader or a learner as an adult, this will help you grow. : ) It is powerful and can be life-changing. Learning can become part of your family culture.

The Scripture That Triggered the Thought

Back in 2011, I read a verse of scripture that sparked this article. “I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth. . .therefore, First, set in order thy house” Doctrine and Covenants 93:43 On this day, I read it in a new way. I focused on “First, set in order thy house”. It brought to my mind another verse of scripture. “For now we see through a glass darkly”. 1 Cor. 14:12

Seeing through a glass darkly is an apt analogy when we are sharing knowledge with our children. If the windows to our home are dark, we cannot see out of them clearly. Everything we see will be dimmed by our own darkness. We will not be able to give more light to our families than we possess. We must be enlightened first, and then we can share with our children.

It caused me to think of the classics I have read and my spiritual canon. If we are unfamiliar with good literature and that which informs our belief system, then we cannot call them to mind when a quote, verse, or thought might enlighten a child, illuminate a teaching, open a new learning adventure, or ease a soul. These quotes and teachings won’t be in us because our house is empty, and our windows are dark. As parents, we want to do and say the best thing when it is needed, so we can give help, comfort, and knowledge to our children. Having light in our own house, so to speak, is vital.

Reading good books and our spiritual canon or other writings that inform our belief system is like washing our windows and filling our house with light. As we enlighten ourselves, we see more clearly. We see our children and their needs more clearly.

So, how do busy parents find the time for self-education, reading, and reflection?

Here are some ideas that helped me while I raised seven children and continue to assist me now that I live in a four-generation home.

1. Decide that you want to learn and that you want to expand your knowledge base in old and new areas. Make a personal commitment to read, take classes, and learn, so when it is difficult you can and will follow through. And it will be difficult. That is the nature of parenting. There are many demands. However, committing yourself to reading and studying will help you do it when it isn’t easy or comfortable!

2. Have a book available all the time. When I had children, I packed one in the diaper bag. Later, I had a small bag by the front door with a book, pencil, and paper in it. I could grab and go at a moment’s notice.

If needed, have a second book, which you will read more often, available in your home so that when the rare moment occurs, you can read.

Today, I keep a book in a basket in my bathroom. I visit that room at least three times a day and I can read a few paragraphs before I am interrupted. You all know what that is like. LOL Declare your intention to learn and grow by being prepared.

3. Give up perfection. I know that having quiet, focusing on one book fully, and taking notes is the best way to digest information. Your season for that will come but may not be now. And if you are like me, at 74 in a four-generation home, it may come much later than you anticipated. LOL

At this point in my life, I thought I would be going back to college and getting my doctorate in education. In Montana, when I still had most of my children at home, I had a full-ride scholarship for a doctorate. But it wasn’t the season. I had to content myself with learning how to parent better by reading and counseling with those who knew more than I did. It eventually led to a career spanning 13 years, speaking, teaching, and publishing a book.

Now, here I am, back in the traces and I, like you, must be content to read in the bathroom or while waiting in a doctor’s office. Be ok with learning in whatever way you can manage – reading while nursing, cooking, waiting for the washer to fill, snatching a paragraph or two while managing a toddler at the doctor’s office, or grabbing your 30 seconds of private time on the toilet.

Occasionally, I can retreat to my office to study my spiritual canon or read. I take notes. I do research on the computer. However, I know that I will be interrupted repeatedly and that I may only get a few focused minutes. For now, I am letting that be enough. Give up perfection and you will learn, change, and grow. Who knows where it will eventually lead you?

4. Talk about what you are reading at dinner. Throw out a thought and see who responds. Let the conversation flow naturally. You can even do this with a 3-year-old. “Jenny, what would you do if someone wanted you to be mean to someone else.” (Maybe you have been reading Lord of the Flies) You and your spouse can have a discussion which the children may join. If not, they will hear what you are learning.

I do this when my husband and mother of 94 years, sit to eat. Often, I am the only one talking. : ) But it helps me think about what I am reading and Don and Mom don’t seem to mind.

Occasionally at our meals, I read to them. I eat fast and then I read. It doesn’t happen every meal or even every day but occasionally, we read at a meal.

5. Call a friend on the phone and share an aha. They do not have to have read the book. The best way to cement what you are learning is to share what you have discovered while reading. This is why talking at dinner or phoning a friend is useful. : )

6. If you can, give yourself 10 minutes before bed to read a few paragraphs. You may have great thoughts and ideas upon waking.

7. Have a pad and pen by your bed. When you wake up sit on the edge of the bed, quietly, for a couple of minutes, and ask your brain what it came up with in the night. See what ideas flow and write them down. If the baby is crying, take the pad and pen with you. While changing a diaper or nursing, ask your brain what it has come up with in the night and then write it down.

Currently, I have my pad and pen in the bathroom window. My nightly caregiving, prayer-filled shower is when I have many thoughts and I write them down so I can ponder them before bed.

8. Consider reading with your spouse for 10 or 15 minutes every day. If you set a time and then are as consistent as possible, you will read together more often. Don and I used to read in the evening. He likes Westerns, doesn’t read himself, but enjoys it when I read to him. This worked for many years. Now we have had to adjust. My mom lives with us and so we read at lunch, most days.

Reading as a family is a powerful way to share knowledge and information with your children. Reading as a family allows you to read books with tough ideas because you can talk about them as you read and help your children navigate the difficult decisions they may face as they grow.

If reading to your kids seems too challenging because of a wide range of ages, then here are a couple of articles that can help you navigate it successfully.

Don’t worry if it takes time to finish a book or if you only get a few paragraphs in. It is the reading consistently that matters, whether you are reading to your spouse, your family, or by yourself.

9. Cast out discouragement because you cannot read and study for long periods of dedicated time. Everything has a season. Your current season is parenting. Mine is four-generation grandparenting, with a special needs granddaughter, and full-time caregiving for two older adults.

Keep in mind the old example of how to fit more in a jar. Begin with the rocks. Then add small gravel. Then comes the sand. Finally, add water.

Your family and children are the rocks. This goes in the jar first. Housekeeping, preparing food, work, and all the rest are the small gravel that we sift in after the rocks. Church, community duties, etc. are the sand that follow the gravel. Reading and learning are the water. There is always room for the water when we put the rocks in first.