Five Principles of Power Series – Real Life Planning

At a webinar on the Five Principles of Power, I gave the attendees an assignment to determine which of the principles they felt most resistant to. I received a hilarious email from an attendee. It was hilarious, but also sobering.

Here’s a portion of the email:
“The principle that makes me cringe is ‘plan ahead.’ When I think about preparing for anything, I feel anxiety. My experiences with preparation activities are riddled with frustration and interruption. Having a large family multiplies the potential and real distractions to carrying anything to completion. Meal preparation generally includes a host of interruptions and ultimately failed recipes. Things burn. Things melt. Things don’t get finished. When I find some quiet time for study and succeed in following a thought through to the end, I emerge to find the house destroyed and a number of children roaming around in various stages of undress and degree of soiling.

In the time I’ve invested in this brief paragraph, I’ve fielded five interruptions. Only one was a screaming, urgent one, but each required me to stop, deflect, softly remind everyone that I am in my “office” working, or redirect a persistent child. Then I search through my short-term memory: ‘What was I thinking about?’

Perhaps I, like Pavlov’s dog, am programmed to respond to even thoughts of “preparation” with despair and trepidation. Perhaps if this triggered salivating, I would get more accomplished, just in a wet and slobbering fashion!

So, my solution seems to be eliminating the most unpleasant companion activities that occur when Mom is trying to prepare, or learning to like the mayhem and disorder. If I’m missing a third alternative, I’d be delighted to discover it!

Here are my initial ideas:
1. Get rid of the dog (she interrupts with barking, vomiting, and digging things up)
2. Keep the kids entertained while I’m preparing:

Send them to their rooms
Let them watch brain-gelatinizing videos
Send them to the backyard and lock the door
Give them a list of chores to do
Promise a reward if everything is intact and everyone is safe when I’m finished
Do all preparation when the children are asleep (this seems the most likely to succeed)
Get a housekeeper who would be responsible for the children while I’m preparing!

And for learning to love the journey:
1. Watch “Cheaper by the Dozen” and “Yours, Mine, and Ours” weekly, and tell myself I might like a little more chaos and surprise in my life. It could be viewed as ‘excitement.’
2. Hire a hypnotist.
3. Laugh and cheer when I find the house has been dismantled during a meeting or activity-prep stint.
4. Tell the kids that although I like the way they’ve redecorated the house, I’m going to go for a drive and come back as soon as they call to tell me everything is back in order.
5. Seek counseling.

Some deeper thought might illuminate other avenues to resolving my phobia of preparation. I’ve run out of time for the present. Sincerely, J.F.”

J.F. and I talked, and then several days later I received another email:

“I appreciated you addressing my hang-up with preparation. I felt much relieved and empowered after our talk. Thanks for helping me see through another set of eyes!”

Seeing Through New Eyes

I want to help you see through another set of eyes too. In a class I taught, a mom told me it was easy for me to rattle off a ton of ideas. She said, “I can’t do that!” I told her I didn’t have a gift; I just thought about it a lot. It was on my mind because I was determined to engage with my grands regularly, so it was regularly on my mind.

Back then, I thought about connecting with children all the time. I thought about it while doing dishes, vacuuming, shopping, going to the bathroom, and so forth. It made for some interesting thinking. My grands sparked ideas that I would then chew on. I paid attention to what was happening in the news, in my day-to-day movements, and in thoughts and stories from my past. If any of it was interesting and had the possibility of inspiring a child, I latched onto it. Then I’d think about it, on and off, all day. Soon ideas would start coming. “Hey, that would be great for family time.” “That would be a fun activity.” “That could lead to a good conversation.” Whenever I had an idea, a thought, or a moment of inspiration, I wrote it down.

It’s a principle that whatever we focus on, we get more of. I focused quite a bit on connecting with children because that’s what I wanted to do. I couldn’t possibly use all the ideas and good content that came to me. There was just too much.

No mom has time for much quiet contemplation. We’re busy kissing owies, sweeping up broken glass, changing poopy diapers, yelling at the dog, you know how it is. So, I’m not suggesting you sit down and plan. I don’t want you to take a fresh piece of paper and pour your heart and soul into figuring out how to connect as a family while your kids run rampant in your just-cleaned living room. That would be crazy!

I’m asking you to think. That’s all, just think. Look at your children every day. See them for who they really are, if only for a moment. Step back in your mind and see their hearts. Then think. What do they love? What excites them? What would they like to know about? Who is their favorite neighbor, and what do they do or know that could be shared? Open your mind to inspiration, and inspiration will come. It must. It’s a principle. What you focus on, you get more of.

It’s a relief to know that you only need one good thought each week, or month, depending on how often you have decided to connect intentionally as a family.

Our Path is Different but the Same

I no longer spend lots of time planning how to connect with my grands. They’re almost all teens or adults. I schedule time each month to send a text, card, letter, or make a call depending on what fits the person. However, I live with two people whom I take care of, my husband and my mother. Don has many health issues, and his mobility is limited. He sleeps often and watches a lot of TV. My mother has dementia and cannot determine how to spend her time. She crochets and reads less each year. She holds her head in her hands more. We study at lunch, but questions can’t be too deep. The topic must be made easy to understand.

As the person who loves and cares for them, I must do more than cook, clean, do laundry, give medications, do physical therapy, and wipe bottoms. I need to get them out of the house. I need to help them converse and learn. I need to help them find stimulation. This has taken and still takes planning. I now spend a lot of time thinking about how we, at our age and ability, can connect and keep moving.

You may have a house of littles or teens. But we’re battling the same battle: how to connect as a family. How can we help our family learn and keep moving? Although our work is somewhat different, it is the same.

So, remember, I laughingly say that your personal planning is all day, every day, while you’re mopping up spilled milk, washing applesauce off a little chin, and breaking up the fight of the century. That’s real-life planning. It happens in your mind.

This is Principle Five from The Five Principles of Power: Plan Ahead.