Today, let’s look at the fifth Principle of Power. I love all five principles; they all matter, but this seems to be the most challenging to implement. Many of us fly by the seat of our pants. Don and I did that in our marriage and family life for many years, and we paid a price; our family paid a price. Things go better, even if they don’t go exactly as we envisioned, when we have a plan. This is true in our goals, family discipline, maintaining loving relationships, having workable family systems, engaging in family activities, managing school, meals, chores, and so forth.

Principle 5

Plan ahead. Taking time to think about your family, your children’s needs, your personal goals, and all the things I listed above is one of the keys to success. It doesn’t take hours. What it takes is thinking and pondering regularly, making decisions, and then following through. If you’re thinking about a road trip, vacation, or a career, then planning is an obvious necessity. However, this applies just as well in our families. Whenever we engage as a family, it requires some planning. The principle of regular planning helps families manage better.

Part of planning is observing how your family operates. What interests your kids? What holidays are coming up? How’s school going, whether you use the public or private system, or homeschool? What’s happening in the world, and how is it impacting your family? As we think and observe, we come up with ideas on how to engage with our family. Then we plan, so we have success.

Try this:

Have a thirty-minute brainstorming session with your husband once a week or even once a month. What do you want your children to be exposed to, to know about? What have you heard them talk about in the last week, or what have they seemed to enjoy or struggle with? How are you doing with your current plan of discipline? What’s coming up that you might want your family to participate in? As you focus on watching and thinking, ideas will come about ways you can help your children manage what’s happening around them and ways your family can learn together, work together, and enjoy being together.

Another idea:

Have a weekly family council. See what your kids are worried about or interested in. What ideas do they have? What plans would they like to see developed in your family? What’s working in your home systems and what isn’t? How can that be adjusted?

Can a Simple Family Activity Trump Disneyland?

I worked with families daily for over a decade. I talked to children and their parents. I learned from these interactions that structured time, consistency, simplicity, planning, and parents remaining present make everything more special. This specialness trumps whatever the activity is.

When I was writing my book Becoming a Present Parent, I asked my children, their spouses, and some of their friends what the most meaningful things were they did in their family when they were growing up; what captured their hearts and remained with them into adulthood. I discovered that when we observe these five principles, even the most ordinary events become special. A daily family walk, playing together on the beach, or a camping trip can be as meaningful as a trip to Disneyland. What? You don’t believe me, do you? Check out the note I received from my daughter-in-law.

Kendra said, “Another thing I’ll always cherish from my childhood was the time my parents spent with me outdoors, going to the beach, hiking, fishing, swimming, and letting me be a kid. It was something we often did because it didn’t cost much, but to me it was the greatest thing ever. In fact, one time my dad took me to Disneyland, and I asked him if we could leave and go to the beach. I look back on that now and think that must have both surprised him and probably made him wish he had saved all that money. I’m so grateful my parents taught me to cherish experiences and nature over money and things.”

Kendra’s parents thought about what they wanted for their family. They planned how they could afford time together and how to make it happen consistently. They set aside time and kept their activities simple. They were present during these activities. Wise planning made the activity happen, and their children feel special!

These five principles are non-negotiable if you want consistent success in your family work and activities. In my experience, with all types of children and families, when you plan for what you want, structure time together, keep your plan simple and consistent, make the ordinary special, and remain emotionally and mentally present, you will be successful every time, even if all doesn’t go as planned.

Healthy family relationships and meaningful experiences are created when we set aside time, remain present, plan regularly, and keep things simple so consistency is maintained, and it feels special.

I love the Five Principles of Power (formerly the Five Rules of Engagement). I didn’t have them fully formed in my mind when I began working with parents and helping them connect with their children. I just knew what children needed: to learn well, connect, and thrive.

In the beginning, I connected the principles with education, as I worked with families who homeschooled. As I have transitioned to working with all families, regardless of how they educate, I have witnessed the power these principles have in not only learning, but in family systems, relationships, communities, etc. They are powerful when planning and executing activities, cooking together, sharing new ideas, adjusting family systems, doing chores, yard work, gardening, etc. When you utilize these principles, children will engage better in whatever you are doing.

The Five Principles of Power

1. Structure time and be consistent
2. Be present
3. Make it special
4. Keep it simple
5. Plan ahead

Last week, I shared how principles 1 and 2 helped me commit to and become successful in learning to meditate. Today, we will dive deeper. Then, in the next few weeks, we will learn more about the other principles. As you internalize these principles, you will see greater success in all parts of your life. This is a promise I can make based on my own experience. 

Principle 1

Structure time and be consistent. In other words, show up regularly. For anything to happen in life,  we must carve out time for it and then make a commitment to that time; we have to be consistent. It’s also helpful to understand that although we structure time so that the things that matter happen, we need to be flexible with what happens during that time.

• If you homeschool, you structure a time for learning.
• You might structure how Sundays are spent in your home.
• It could be family time on a given day or evening.
• You might structure what you want to see happen in the car while on a long trip.
• It might be a plan for the days of a vacation.
• It’s important to structure time and be consistent anytime your family comes together for a specific purpose.

Be Flexible With Content

On a vacation, you may all be doing the same thing, but there’s still flexibility. One child may choose to record the family trip in a journal, another may choose to take photographs, and another may not record anything at all. On a long car trip, parents may have audiobooks for the family to choose from. The family may sing songs together, but not chide the one who just listens. The point is the trip was planned, and then happened. The time was honored, but the content was flexible.

What If Something Goes Wrong

I received an email from a mom who took one of my classes, where I introduced the five principles. She returned home and structured time for family activities, but everyone came down with colds. She shelved the family time for a week, hoping all would soon be well and they could start again.

I raised seven children, and I know what it’s like when everyone feels poorly. However, when creating a truly magical and amazing family culture, structured time and consistency matter. So how do we keep to that structure when things aren’t going well, as in the case of a family with a cold?

My suggestion is to hold true to the time. If you have a once-a-week family evening activity, do it, but modify it. Gather your children around you. Have pillows and blankets, and people resting on the carpet. Give everyone a glass of juice or hot chocolate. Smile while drinking. Have a few moments of small talk or a prayer. Then call it good. The point is to be consistent, to honor the time. It allows your children to depend on it, to understand that family activities matter.

Illness isn’t the only thing that will challenge you as you work to honor time set aside for family. There will be days when you have made more commitments than you can manage. We all do it occasionally. When that happens, gather your children together, have everyone share a joke, eat a treat, and call it good. The kids may not like ending early, as they tend to come to love and depend on family time, but something is better than nothing, and they know it. Consistency counts.

Whatever you do as a family, honor it. Consider it sacred time with your children, so they know you can be counted on to follow through.

Principle 2

Be present. Being present means you’re engaged with your children; you’re in the same space with them physically, mentally, and emotionally. It doesn’t mean getting them settled and then going off to do your own thing. It means being together. You learn together, play together, work together, and have fun together. When you’re present, it helps with management and order. It does not, however, mean micromanaging everyone’s activity or efforts.

Being present is a gift to whomever we give it to. It’s listening without texting, answering the phone, checking email, or watching the TV out of the corner of our eye. Being present is being all ears and eyes for what’s happening now. Children and teens feel more secure and happy when parents are present.

Who Will This Work For

These principles apply whether you have toddlers, young children, teens, older adults, or even if your family consists of three older people. : ) Each day at lunch, we have a family activity – we listen to something that will enlighten and lift us. It’s easy to become distracted and miss most of the audio. It’s also easy to forget to do it. However, when we allow this to happen, after a day or two, one of us will say, “Hey, shouldn’t we listen to something?” Doing this as a family matters, and understanding the power of consistency helps it happen more regularly.

We also have an activity we do every Tuesday. It isn’t always easy to get up, dressed, and into the car, but we have been very consistent for over three years.

Then hip surgeries happened. We stopped doing the activity because we physically couldn’t get in the car or drive. Now we have healed enough to resume this activity, but it’s been hard to get back on the wagon. This is another reason that structuring time and then honoring that time, consistently, matters; picking it up again can be hard, and often you won’t.

When we set aside time to be with our family, whether it’s daily, weekly, or even monthly, and then make it happen consistently, it builds a sense of trust that blesses us far beyond the activity itself. When children can trust that we care and they matter, they are freer to come to us when they’re in need.

So, structure time and then show up consistently. It will bless your family.

Two Principles of Power

A mother who attended one of my classes in the early days of my teaching career mentioned that because what I taught was based on principles, she could go home and put it right to work. A principle is a fundamental truth that we can build on. There are five principles I have focused on in my life and career that determine success, or mediocrity, and failure in our efforts. In the beginning, I called them the Five Rules of Engagement. Today, I call them the Five Principles of Power. These five principles help us achieve greater success in our family interactions, relationships, communities, personal learning, and growth. I will share all five next week, but today I am focusing on the first two because I have a story I want to share: 1. Structure time & be consistent, or in other words, show up, and then 2. Remain Present.

Over the years, I’ve had many opportunities to practice these principles and prove their efficacy. A decade and a half ago, I decided to learn to meditate. Because of my penchant for movement, meditation was not easy for me to master. At times, I was challenged to keep my commitment to the practice of meditation. I had a friend helping me remain accountable, and I sometimes didn’t want to keep my commitments to her. This was partly because I didn’t feel I was making much progress.

She Hit the Nail On the Head

During this learning time, my friend sent me an email (I have adjusted it slightly for this article) that I want to share. It wasn’t easy to read. When we know something well and teach others, we want to believe we have it down. But that isn’t always the truth. Knowing and doing are two sides of a coin. She said, “Sticking with meditating daily is your commitment to a peaceful heart and life. You tell families that structured time is vital. You tell them they must show up and be present during that structured time. The same principle works here. If you show up as you said you would, the blessings come. Meditation is your personal structured time commitment. And you know that the magic cannot be preplanned, it happens when you show up.”

She hit the nail on the head. It is about showing up and staying present. It didn’t matter if I thought my daily meditation was successful or not. If I showed up and remained present, it was successful! That was a tall order for me, as I have said. At the time, I had a busy life. I was working full-time and building a teaching/mentoring career on the side. When I woke up I didn’t have a cup of herbal tea, and let my body adjust to its new state of awakeness. I didn’t stop to fix my hair unless I knew I was going somewhere that day. I would run a brush through it and say, “That’ll do.” My husband has often said that I am like a firefighter; the bell rings and I am up, dressed, and on the move in 30 seconds flat. So, sitting quietly for eight full minutes was a KILLER. And then to stay present with the meditating, to mentally nod at the thoughts that were pounding in my brain to be heard and gently usher them out without focusing on them, WOW, that was a tall order. Some days I wanted to say, “NO!”

She was also correct about the magic that comes when you show up and stay present. It cannot be planned, it just happens. Years ago, I shared the experience of a mom who let her kids make a snow swamp, which morphed into a volcano creation, which wound itself into the color wheel and creating colors, which led to colored toast art, and then flung itself into a soda fountain and counting change? That was a magical day for her and her kids. This magical family moment happened because the mom showed up and remained present.

The Results of Committing to Showing Up and Remaining Present

Back in May of 2010, I finally fully committed myself to show up and remain Present for 8 minutes of quiet meditation a day. I sat on a stool in my kitchen every morning, sometimes as early as 5am, to make it happen. I was reading the book Eight Minute Meditation by Victor Davich. With the book’s help, every week I practiced a new meditation. I finally found the one that worked the best for me, and as I said, I continued my kitchen meditation for several years. Then I made a change. I stopped meditating during the day and did it at bedtime. I have now used this tool every night for thirteen years. It’s made a difference in my level of peace. I go to sleep in less than 15 minutes, no matter how jumbled or troubled the day. I sleep better. I wake more refreshed. I have shown up and remained present, and I have reaped the rewards of doing so for over a decade and a half.

Remember that 90% of success is just showing up and remaining present. These principles always apply. They applied to my meditation, regardless of how I chose to do it. They apply to magical family moments, healthy relationships, successful home management, personal learning, and growth, etc.

So, choose to show up and remain present. It’s a choice.

The wonderful experience I had with my Colorado grands in the summer of 2012 is too long for one article, so I am breaking it into two parts. They are still longish, but this was such a fun experience, I know you will enjoy reading about it and possibly doing something similar with your children or grands.

A Chemistry Lesson on the Fly

When we had this adventure, Ashley was eight, Lizzy was six, and their little brother, Parker, was three. I asked Lizzy and Ashley if they wanted to help me put some family mementoes into my hutch. It was fun work and led the girls on our chemistry adventure because of something this job sparked in them.

As we filled the hutch, I told them the stories behind each item. Some of the last items they put into the hutch were crystals that my daughter Jenny had sent to me from Southern Utah. Ashley asked me what these cool rocks were, and I told her they were crystals from the desert. She then asked how they were made. I replied that I didn’t know, but that we could find out. I told her I knew how to grow crystals from sugar, and we would begin there.

We went to the computer and googled “how crystals grow”. We found an instructional video on growing sugar crystals. The girls watched it three times. Then they gave me blow-by-blow directions on what we needed to do. We mixed one cup of sugar and three cups of water in a pan and brought it to a boil. We added a few drops of food coloring. Then we poured it into two jars. We wrapped chenille stems (pipe cleaners) onto butter knives and lowered them into the liquid, and put the jars on the windowsill in the kitchen. Ashley wanted to know why we were using chenille stems instead of string. Wouldn’t our candy be fuzzy? I replied that I thought the chenille gave the crystals many small spaces to grow in, so they would grow faster.

While we waited for the sugar and water to boil, I realized this is also how you make suckers. We added some corn syrup to the leftover mixture (no recipe, just poured a little in) and set it to boil again. Then I taught my granddaughters what soft ball, hard ball, and hard crack were when you make candy. We tested the candy often so they could see and taste all the stages. When it reached the hard crack stage, we poured it into a buttered pie pan and let it cool. I told the girls this was called Glass Candy. When it was cool, we broke it into pieces with a small hammer. Lizzy said it did look like glass. I asked her what made it look like glass. Both she and Ashley mentioned that it had sharp edges, you could see through it, and it broke like glass. I asked them if they knew what it was called when you could see through something like glass. They didn’t know. We talked about the words transparent, translucent, and opaque. This part of responding to the spark of interest they had shown in crystals took about 35 minutes. Eating the glass candy was the best!

Ashley and Lizzy were keen to know more, so we headed to the library. As we walked, the girls looked at the large rocks people had in their yards and driveways as decorations. Many had small shiny bits in them. They asked if they were crystals. I shared the term mica, which is what they were talking about. As we walked, they created a game with each deciding if a large rock had shiny bits because it held crystals or mica.

Books Can Rock an Adventure (no pun intended LOL)

At the library, we picked out books on rocks and crystals. I read them a children’s book on how rocks are made. It talked about volcanoes and igneous rocks. It had information about sand and the shells of tiny sea animals, and how sedimentary rocks are made. It showed in very simple terms how metamorphic rocks are made. This information really caught their attention. They asked questions about everything and practically had their noses on the page to get a really good look at all the pictures.

They were fascinated with the fact that there was hot, melted rock inside the Earth called magma, and that sometimes it erupts from the Earth. Lizzy wanted to know what erupt meant. They were interested in information about what happens when lava cools. They were intrigued by the fact that when it cools, it becomes igneous rock, and sometimes, if there were people nearby, it left mummies. They squealed at the pictures of the mummies.

At home, we created some volcanoes with leftover play-dough I had. They turned out great, and we were able to get them to erupt using baking soda. They were proud to show their parents and younger sibling what they had learned.

Tune in next week for Part 2 of this awesome chemistry adventure.
It gets even better!

Sometimes something happens that dictates what you introduce to your children or grandchildren. That happened to me in 2011, when I was meeting with my grands weekly to engage in learning play.

Don and I sat on the balcony to enjoy the fall sunshine one afternoon. Right there on the deck was a perfectly preserved dragonfly. These happen to be my FAVORITE insect, next to the Cat Spider, which isn’t an insect. LOL A few days later, while I was walking to the car, there on the sidewalk, in plain sight, was a magnificent and dead katydid. Eureka, what an amazing find!!! You don’t see them often.

Naturally, I headed to the library for a few good books about insects. I knew that late October and early November are late in the season for finding many insects. I also knew that spring was the best time to teach about insects. However, I couldn’t resist sharing these magnificent specimens, and I knew I couldn’t wait until spring. So, insects it would be the next time I met with my grands.

When I got to their home, I asked Jack, Maggie, and Mary if they knew what insects were. They didn’t know the word insect, but recognized a bug when they saw it. : ) I asked them if they knew about dragonflies and katydids. They recognized the dragonfly but not the katydid.

We looked at the books and talked about dragonflies and other insects. When I came across the picture of the katydid, we came up with a prank that they could play on their Aunt Kate. I suggested that when their Aunt Kate came over, they could say “Well, how ya doin Katydid!” They laughed at that, and it made their day.

I asked the children if they had ever seen a real dragonfly or a katydid up close. No, they hadn’t. I asked them if they would like to.  Jack got a worried expression on his face and hesitantly said, “OK.” I opened my box of bugs, and he took a few steps backward. He put his hand over his mouth. He was afraid. I picked up the dragonfly and showed them the wings and the huge eyes, and where the eggs come out. We talked about the thorax and the abdomen and found them on the dragonfly. Jack stayed at a distance, but Mary, despite the look of concern on her face, kept edging forward.

I eventually asked Mary if she wanted to hold the dragonfly. She reached out, pulled back, reached out, pulled back, and reached out again. Finally, she let me put it into her hand. She was fascinated. She chatted up a storm, pointing to the head, eyes, body, and wings. She handled it so much that, of course, the abdomen eventually broke loose. Then the head came off. She almost ate the head, thinking it looked like a piece of candy, I guess. I tell you, you gotta watch little ones! : )

Of course, Jack couldn’t be outdone by his “not quite 2-year-old” sister, so he came forward and held the katydid, but he wouldn’t have anything to do with the dragonfly. Mary also held the katydid completely fascinated.

Maggie, who was 5 ½, would have absolutely nothing to do with any bug in her hand!!!! She was firm about it and never budged. She was, however, mesmerized by the books and pored over every picture long after the others wandered off.

Interesting Dragonfly Facts for Kids

• Scientists attached tiny transmitters to dragonflies to see where they fly
• They have 3 main body parts: head, thorax, and abdomen
• Their compound eyes have 28,000 separate lenses per eye
• They are meat eaters with strong jaws
• They have a 3-part life cycle: egg, nymph, adult
• Males live 24 hours to several weeks, females slightly longer, so they can lay eggs
• Males are territorial
• Very few eggs hatch because so many things can go wrong
• The Japanese consider the dragonfly a sign of good luck
• In America, we sometimes call them mosquito hawks or darning needles

Make a Dragonfly

We made a simple paper dragonfly craft out of graduated circles of construction paper, wiggle eyes, and pipe cleaners. They enjoyed that project and flew them before we hung them up.

Books About Insects for Kids

• Dragonflies by Sophie Lockwood
• Dazzling Dragonflies by Linda Glaser
• Bugs Up Close by Diane Swanson
• Insects and Their Relatives by Maurice Burton
• Insects by Liz Wyse – This is a fabulous book for older kids, showing them how to experience being bugs themselves by creating bug parts to wear!

It was a fun day. Jack wanted to keep the katydid and show his dad how brave he was. The dragonfly, by this time, was in many pieces, due to Mary’s fascination.

The Outcome of this Learning Play

What has come from all this bug handling and picture book learning? I am known as the ‘bug grandma.” All my grands, those that live close and those who are far away, know that I love insects. I find them wherever I go, pick them up, talk about them, and have helped my grands overcome their fear of them. Most still don’t like them, but they aren’t afraid. They have mailed me specimens in small jewelry boxes. They have carefully carried them in the car when coming to visit.

On this last 4th of July weekend, we had a family reunion. One of my adult grands brought me two June bugs that she found on the deck. She had picked them up without any trepidation. That same woman brought me a bug that I think was some type of cricket. It was fascinating.

One of my great-grandchildren picked up and handled a toad. They were all over the place. I held a toad, too. : ) When we share what fascinates us, we can instill a love of the same in our children and grands. When we pay attention to what is sparking them, we can kindle a passion for learning and personal growth.

Learning play is a wonderful way to engage in conversations, teach principles, and introduce children to the world.

Besides that, it is fun!!

I know that resources matter. When I was working to become a better mother there weren’t many. But what I could find, I used, and they made a difference. So, when I find a resource that may help my friends and readers, I share.

I received this email from a friend:

“I recently watched the podcast Follow Him with Hank Smith and John Bytheway…. Their guest presenter…was Dr. Matt Townsend, who is a therapist. Many of the things he was saying reminded me of you and what you have shared about being present and communicating.”

I wasn’t familiar with Dr. Townsend or the podcast, but I took the time to listen because I love Susan and know she cares about me. Dr. Matt Townsend is a relationship coach who has met with thousands of couples over 25 years. It was interesting how what I have taught about connecting with children meshed with what Dr. Townsend shared about relationship health.

I’m no scholar so it was heartwarming and edifying to see how close I have come to what scholars have learned. I learned from hard experience and the tutoring of God, rather than in school. I was also privileged to work with a few hundred families and saw firsthand what I had learned as a mother. It’s amazing what I have gotten right based on what Dr. Townsend shared.

He used a word I was unfamiliar with but found worth sharing – attunement.

To have attunement you must be Present. To be Present you need to turn off your mind enough to connect or commune with another person. If someone smiles, we generally smile back. If they laugh, we laugh. This is attunement.

Dr. Townsend pointed out that when Jesus speaks, he then looks at the multitude. He is attuning and getting in sync with the people he is teaching. He is reading them. I thought this was wonderful. Doesn’t this sound like the being Present I have taught you over the years? I appreciated that my friend Susan saw this in what Dr, Townsend was teaching. It confirmed that we can learn anything, and God will take us where we need to go.

Dr. Townsend talked about how the gift of tech is robbing us of attunement. Why anxiety is going up. I was reminded of the story I shared years ago about four teens sitting together on my apartment steps and texting one another, never looking up or speaking a word.

Dr Townsend said, “If we don’t look around because we’re so attached to our phones, we miss what our kids are feeling and saying.” I’ve written about that too. I learned it the hard way, not as much with tech as with home management, which I allowed to swallow my attention.

Dr. Townsend talked about John Gottman and a statistic he shared. John and his wife developed The Gottman Method, a couple’s therapy approach that uses research-based interventions to help couples improve their relationships. John said, that in 86% of successful partnerships, it’s because one partner will turn to the other when they initiate a conversation – they get in sync or attunement. Now that Don and I are older we intentionally do this. We do not want to become roommates but remain friends and sweethearts. It takes thought and intention. One of my daily affirmations is about this very thing.

As I studied attunement, I learned that when our brain gets in sync with the other person’s brain we connect and can then share similar emotions. This would be very helpful when talking with a teen or young adult who may be reticent to share.

Here is one other tidbit that Dr. Townsend shared that can help us remember how to attune to another person or be present. He created the anacronym REAL.

It stands for:

1. Recognise their emotion
2. Explore their story
3. Attend to their deeper needs
4. Lift them

Caregiving has allowed me to practice and learn more about attunement and being present than I learned even as a mother of seven. I am open to learning more. That is key to growth, being open.

My book Becoming a Present Parent is filled with truth, written in a straightforward and easy-to-understand way. It has stories of my failure to connect and be present or to attune with my children. It also has stories of my successes and shows the path I traveled to get from A to B. If you haven’t read or listened to it, and struggle with family relationships now may be the time. It’s written not as a scholar, but as a mother who has been where you may be and has gone where you want to go.

You can listen to Dr. Townsend on YouTube or check out his site.

Resources are available for those who are open to learning and will do the work. We need to find the resource that works for us. I have a scripture I end all my emails with. It’s a reminder to be Present, to be attuned to those around you. “But blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear.” Matthew 13:16

Do the work. Change and grow, Bless your family!