Category: Better living and Parenting

A series of Conversations – Words and Phrases – Simple Tools to Manage Big Things

I have the opportunity to talk with women of different ages about many things. It’s one of the perks of my life. This summer, I am sharing ‘A Series of Conversations’ – Articles that have come out of conversations with friends. I’m sure they will be what someone needs to hear, as they have been for me.

The information doesn’t come from a place of education or an expert; it comes from women like you and me, with life experience in the trenches.

One of Those Days!

Recently, I had one of those days when I didn’t want to talk with anyone. I was tired and feeling down. I was still carrying the weight of the day before, which was long and chaotic, and the weight of this new day, which would be more of the same. However, on Tuesdays, I walk with my friend Livia. I wanted to cancel but didn’t let myself. I was glad I followed my feelings because my friend, uncharacteristically, was in the same place. We had a good laugh over this unexpected connection. On our walk, we listened to each other, allowed ourselves to feel, and buoyed each other up. It helped us emotionally and mentally prepare for the day and the coming week.

On our walk, we discussed the question we were both dealing with: How do you hang in when things are hard, may stay hard for a while, and may not end as you hope? The answer came in single words and short phrases that have helped us over the years.

Words & Phrases

YET – In our conversation, Livia brought up the word YET. Using this word gives space for thought and growth, and can lead to clarity, and keep us from beating ourselves or others up. For example, “I haven’t learned this yet.” “They haven’t decided yet.” “This isn’t resolved yet.” YET is a powerful word that can help us manage the story we’re telling ourselves and help us have a clearer perspective.

RIGHT NOW – The phrase, Right Now, was the next idea we shared. It can be pivotal when dealing with what you have little control over. For example, “This is what it is for right now.” “Right now, I can do this.” “This is useful to me right now.” “This won’t last forever, but I need a plan for right now.”

As we talked about ‘right now’, we felt this short phrase helped us keep at the forefront of our minds the knowledge that nothing is stagnant, everything grows, and things change, but this is what it is for right now, and we can do it because it won’t stay where it is. Like the word YET, RIGHT NOW helps us manage the story we are carrying and keeps our perspective clearer. Both keep us out of the negative, which is rarely a helpful place to be.

SIMPLE, EASY, FUN, and PRAYER – We are both caregivers, and technology isn’t an issue there. But Livia is a business teacher and life coach, and I am a writer. We use technology, and it keeps changing, like everything else. For example, I know how to use my writing platform right now, but… We did a lot of laughing at this point in the conversation because we both have wanted to bang on our computers or throw our phones against the wall. Here again, the words YET and RIGHT NOW are useful.

When I am in tech trouble, I pray because I know I will see or think of something I have missed. It happens EVERY TIME! It always amazes me when I work something out and don’t even know for sure what I did. Livia told me that when tech is making her crazy, she has a simple mantra she repeats to herself to maintain calm and peaceful while figuring it out: “This is simple, this is easy, this is fun.” She said, “It helps keep the lid on my frustration.” I’ve been giving this a try, and it is helpful, like prayer.

HEARTS- I received a gift from Livia. It isn’t as much about words as it is about looking for the good and seeing the blessings. Years ago, Livia began noticing hearts everywhere. As she and I have walked together over the last year, she has taught me to see them. She says they are her moment-by-moment messages from God, that she is seen, loved, and cared for.

I’ve been looking for hearts for some time now. Recently, I saw a perfect heart in the clouds. There was a bright blue patch, surrounded by clouds, in the shape of a heart. I couldn’t pull over to take a photo, but I had seen it. It had been one of those busy, chaotic mornings, and seeing the heart helped me breathe and smile.

One day, as I pushed my mom’s wheelchair down the street, something I didn’t have time for, but she needed, I saw a perfect heart in a bush. What! How can that be? But there it was, a gift from God for taking time to care for and love another despite my list. Both Livia and I ask to see hearts when we need to lift our spirits, change our perspective, or improve our story. It has become a practice for me, as it has been for Livia for years.

Words Matter!

Life has its hard moments, its hard weeks, months, and sometimes, years. We are often called on missions we didn’t plan on. Sometimes, we need to change course when we would rather not. Things don’t always go our way. But we can use the word YET, the phrase RIGHT NOW, to manage hard things, like technology, by remembering PRAYER, SIMPLE, EASY, and FUN, and look for HEARTS to help us stay centered, happy, and hopeful; a few simple tools to manage big things.

As we practice keeping our perspective clear, as we work on telling ourselves more helpful stories, we can and will live better, more fulfilling lives.

Words matter! They do. Ultimately, all we can control or change is ourselves. We do that best when we find ways (systems) that help us manage the story we tell ourselves, when we keep a handle on our perspective, and as Livia put it, “Keep a lid on frustration.” Staying on top of what we tell ourselves is a practice, and as we get better and more consistent at doing it, life lightens up, even when the circumstances stay the same. This isn’t resolved YET. It is what it is RIGHT NOW. I can manage technology and other hard things as I keep it SIMPLE, believe in EASY, look for the FUN, and see HEARTS. Messages of love, hope, and change are everywhere. : )

These words and phrases are simple tools to manage big things.

Do You Yell? Become a Student Learning to be Calm

Two weeks ago, in the article Effective Family Systems, I mentioned I overcame yelling by devising a simple system. It worked, but it took ten years of practice. That’s a long time, but I had few resources. We didn’t have computers when I began the process; that left books, if you knew what to read, or friends, if you had any who weren’t also yelling. Fortunately, I had one of those, and she gave me great ideas.

It’s been over three decades since I stopped yelling, so it was worth the time it took to get a handle on it. That isn’t to say that I don’t occasionally lose it. Of course, I do, because I’m human. However, yelling is no longer my go-to method for handling problems.

This topic of remaining in control of our responses to deal better with family issues came up frequently when I was mentoring mothers and fathers. Recently, while rereading articles I had written years ago, I ran across one with a note I received from a mom who wondered how to do what I had done. Here’s what she asked:

“I wanted to thank you again for a great class. I wondered if you could tell me more about the yelling you used to do. I grew up in that type of household, and swore I would never be like that… but guess what, I do? I’d love to hear how you mastered that part of your life. I didn’t do it when I only had 1 or 2 children and they were little. But the more children that came and the older they got, the more I slipped into it. Do you mind sharing what helped you?”

I answered her privately, and we had several wonderful conversations. She found it helpful, and I knew it could benefit others. So, in May of 2011, right around Mother’s Day, I published what I had learned and practiced, and what I shared with her. This was a perfect topic for a day that is hard for many women because they aren’t perfect in this arena. I was one of those back in the yelling days.

What I shared with this sincere mother in 2011 is worth sharing again in 2025 because we have new moms, older mothers, and grandmothers who still struggle with using yelling to deal with family problems. So here goes. Enjoy, learn, and if needed, implement.

How to Stop Yelling – Ten Tips

After reading this mother’s note, does it remind you of you? I’ve received several emails like the one above. Many of us have a difficult time working out our frustration without yelling at our children. I’m certainly no expert on this. However, I used to yell and now I don’t. I can share some things that helped me get a handle on my ability to respond more calmly in the face of frustration and even anger.

1. You can’t just say you’re going to stop yelling. You must have a mental plan about what to do instead. You can’t replace something with nothing. This was the beginning of my simple system.

2. Be sure you’re not secretly frustrated or angry at your husband. When we don’t deal with the sticky parts of our marriage relationship, it can cause anger and resentment. Being in this state, even if you aren’t consciously aware of it, can lead to yelling at your children, because it’s safer and easier than yelling at a spouse. I’ve read this in books, and it was taught in a class I attended many years after I conquered my yelling habit. Your marriage relationship will affect how you manage your children.

3. See your children as people, not as problems, interruptions, etc. See them as people with needs. For example, when my 3-year-old grandson was being a pill, his mom would stop, get down to his level, and say, “What’s wrong, little son?” When I watched her, I knew she was ticked off, but chose to respond in a kind and respectful way. It’s part of her system for managing frustration. It’s a decision she has made and practices. She knows if her kids are crying, misbehaving, hitting, fighting, etc., there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. Although it isn’t easy, it has become a habit for her, and she does it most of the time.

4. Practice being present. Parents who are present are better able to STOP and look at a situation and see it for what it is. The better we focus on another person and not on our need to ‘move on’ to the next thing, the better we can handle frustration, disappointment, and anger. P.S. Being engrossed in technology can be a real issue. So, STOP using it, put it down, turn away, and focus on your child.

5. Learn to manage stress. There are as many ways to do this as there are people, and you could fill a library with the books written on the subject. I’ve written several articles on this topic. I used to take hot baths at night and read. I outgrew that stress reliever. Now I shower and pray because I can fit that in, and a bath requires more time than I can give. I also utilize mini meditations that I learned from the book “Eight Minute Meditation” by Victor Davich. Very helpful.

6. Get enough sleep and eat right. Moms really mess this one up. We stay up late trying to get it all done or give ourselves alone time, and then struggle to manage our frustration the next day because we’re tired. Get on a reasonable sleep schedule. Our patience is more easily strained when we aren’t. We also eat over the sink, in the car, anywhere but at the table, sitting down and resting. Learn to eat sitting down, even if you only get five minutes.

7. Stop over-scheduling yourself and your family. Simplify your life.

8. Pray. I consider this the most important point of all! Prayer is the best medicine for anger and yelling. You can feel peace, a greater desire to be kind, and a sense of hope that you can become calm and collected most of the time.

9. Believe that you can be a calm person. What we believe is much easier to accomplish. It took me many years to believe that I could change, that yelling wasn’t in my blood, or that it wasn’t how we Cazier’s handled things. Today, I have an affirmation I say daily to help me ‘believe’ that what I want is what I can be or have.

10. Focus on when you do well. What we focus on, we get more of. When you fall off the wagon and yell, say you’re sorry, forgive yourself, and move on; stop ruminating over it, telling others about it, berating yourself, or beating yourself up for failing. Stop cementing in your mind that you are a “yeller”. What you are is a student learning to be calm. Focus on that!

Overcoming a ‘way of being’ takes effort and time. It’s facilitated as you determine what to do or how to be, instead. A system, knowing the consistent steps to take, will help you be successful.

Learning Play – The Circus

Four of the finest clowns
in our fair city!

The Circus is in town!! Back in the 50s, that news brought a shiver to my spine and a smile to my face. I loved going to the circus. It was held outside in a large tent every year. There were elephants, trapeze artists, and lions being tamed. Everything smelled of sawdust, cotton candy, peanuts, and candied apples. It was an exciting event!

As I grew older, the circus changed. Long gone was the tent, replaced by huge arenas in large buildings. They seemed to come around less often. Children didn’t know as much about them, and they weren’t a yearly, long-awaited event that the whole town looked forward to.

I didn’t think any grandchildren I lived near had ever been to a circus. WOW! At the library, I found a couple of books and decided we would study circuses and then have one of our own.

What happens at a circus?

Who comes, who performs, do you eat anything, what in the world is a clown? These were questions we were going to answer in grandma school.

When I arrived at my grandchildren’s home (before we began sharing the same living space), Mary, who was 2, reached me first. That was usually the case because she loves immersive learning. She wanted to know what was in my orange basket! She delighted in pulling everything out. She found large glasses, boas, bow ties, and makeup. She was excited about all of it, but the boas. Mary was afraid of the feathers. (Years later, we got chickens, and she was the one who could catch them. Her fear of feathers was gone.)

Keep your materials simple

We began the day by looking at pictures of clowns and talking about who they are and what they do. They are funny, do tricks, and like to make people laugh. We decided to be clowns for the day. Out came the white face paint and lipstick. The white face paint was Halloween makeup I bought many years ago. It worked well enough. For red, we used what grandma had, lipstick. As I say, keep it simple. Then we tried on all the glasses, boas, ties, and other costume items. Jack fell in love with a hat and a bow tie. He asked me if he could have them. I said he could surely borrow them. “I don’t like borrow” he said, “I want to have them!” LOL

I hadn’t found many books about the circus at our small library, so I ordered some from other libraries. I never got them picked up before our circus day. That’s how it is in real life, sometimes we are on it and sometimes we aren’t! We managed with what we had, and I made a circus book. I found a terrific site of circus pictures, printed them off, and put them into a binder. (Jack, Mary, and Maggie used it until it fell apart.) It also made a great circus coloring book.

We looked at the pictures and discussed what was happening in each one, and if we would like to do that trick.

What We Did in Our Circus

1. Did you know that in some circus acts, they have dogs that dress up and do tricks? Well, Maggie, Jack, and Mary have a dog. We dressed him up to see if he could do a trick. He did! He peed on the floor from fright. We let him go and went on with our circus without him. It’s a good thing we still had clowns, us. : )
2. We decided to walk a tightrope. We used a rake handle for our tightrope. (The rake head helped the stick not roll.) The children loved walking the tight rope and did a good job. They were real performers.
3. We also decided to learn to juggle; throw one ball up, try to catch it, and run after it. Up, try to catch it, run after it. Then we tried two balls. We weren’t good, but it was fun.
4. We talked about what you eat at the circus, and then we ate popcorn and cotton candy. The cotton candy was a hit because none of the kids had ever had any. Mom had those hyped up kids for the rest of the day. Thank you, Grandma! : )

We ended our day sitting quietly and reading about a little bunny who went to the circus and billed his mom as the Meanest Mother on Earth! It was a funny book and a very fun day.

Later, the family watched Toby Tyler: Or Ten Weeks with a Circus. (I loved it as a kid, and their family did too!)

If you have mixed ages, including older children, then check out the non-fiction books. They could make a circus out of paper, draw a circus, or do some serious face painting. They could make a circus scene in a shoe box. Your older kids might like putting a family circus together with more acrobatic acts, bike riding, etc.

Books, Books, Books

Short picture books about the Circus for kids:

Secret Circus by Johanna Wright
Sidewalk Circus by Paul Fleischman
Circus 1-2-3 by Megan Halsey
Sing a Song of Circus by Ward Schumaker
Peter Spier’s Circus by Peter Spier
The Twelve Circus Rings by Chwast Seymour
The Midnight Circus by Peter Collington

Picture books with longer stories about the circus:

Clown of God by Tomie DePaola- This is where we got our idea for our clown makeup. A very touching book, my grandchildren loved.
The Day the Circus Came to Town by Melody Carlson – A story about making your own decisions and not being influenced by friends.
Little Rabbit and the Meanest Mother on Earth by Kate Klise – Find out what happens when you don’t clean your playroom!
Circus Ship by Chris Van Dusen
To The Big Top by Jill Esbaum
Dimity Dumpty: The Story of Humpty’s Little sister by Bob Graham
Tree Ring Circus by Adam Rex
Last Night I Dreamed a Circus by Maya Gottfried
Madeline and the Gypsies by Ludwig Bemelmans
If I Ran the Circus by Dr Seuss

Circus Easy Readers:

Circus Fun by Margaret Hillert
Hurry Up! by Carol Murray
Sawdust and Spangles: The Amazing Life of W.C. Coup by Ralph Covert
World’s Greatest Elephant by Ralph Helfer
Sara Joins the Circus by Thera Callahan
Millicent the Magnificent by Alice Bach – Millicent is a charming story that will help children appreciate the wonders of classical music.
C is for Clown by Stan Berenstain
Circus of the Wolves by Jack Bushnell

Circus Non-fiction books:

Juggler by Caroline Arnold
Parades by Eugene Baker
Face Painting by Clare Beaton
Jumbo by Rhoda Blumberg
Let’s Be Circus Animals by Kathy Christensen
Let’s Be Circus Stars by Kathy Christensen
How to Draw the Circus by Pamela Johnson
Circus Time: How to Put on Your Own Show by Connie Klayer
Horses in the Circus Ring by Lynn Saville
What Happens at the Circus by Arthur Shay
Clowning Around: Jokes About the Circus by Rick Walton
Paper Circus: How to Create Your Own Circus by Robin West
The Great and Only Barnum by Candace Fleming – Perfectly captures the spirit of an era, the spirit of the circus, and the spirit of P. T. Barnum himself.

For older children

Circus Junior Fiction:

Travelers By Night by Vivien Alcock
Great American Elephant Chase by Gillian Cross
The Secret Elephant of Harlan Kooter by Dean Harvey
Jelly’s Circus by Dean Hughes
The Runaway Clown by Lois Johnson
Toby Tyler: or Ten Weeks With a Circus by James Otis
Tybee Trimble’s Hard Times by Lila Perl
Incredible Jumbo: A Novel by Barbara Smucker
Miss Know It All and the Three-Ring Circus by Carol Beach York

Our immersive learning was fun, and a few years later, they got to a real circus, and were prepared. When we help children by immersing them in the learning, they have a ball, and it stays with them. You can’t and won’t do this all the time, but what if you did something like this once a month for a family activity? Aside from having a ton of fun, you will build great memories and help children love learning.

It’s worth the effort and time.

Effective Family systems – Tips for success

This week, as I walked with my friends Livia and Alysia, the conversation turned to their teens and the issues surrounding accomplishing things at home. At one point, Livia mentioned the need for successful systems. I told them how interesting the conversation was because I was working on my article for today, and it was about creating systems that work. Life can be so serendipitous. : )

When I began speaking and teaching, I met a woman who became a friend and mentor, Kim Flynn. She was a systems specialist and helped me and other women find time to build businesses and successfully raise a family by using simple and workable systems. At the time, Kim had owned five successful businesses while raising her family. However, long before she began business building, she was learning to use systems successfully in her home.

I spent plenty of time in Kim’s home and with her children. I saw firsthand how well she did the very thing she taught others to do. The drawer you are looking at was in her office. She had never reordered it since it was put together, several years before, because she had a system for its management and consistently used it. It never became a junk or catch-all drawer.

You may be thinking, “That’s all well and good, but I have kids who make chaos of everything”. When I took this photo, Kim had four children, ranging in age from 2 to 11. She included them in her systems, and they learned to respect and value the freedom that systems bring. They had learned that a good system provides more time, order, and peace in a family.

I mentored mothers on parent-child connections for over fifteen years, and this one thing came up over and over again – the need for systems that worked and a family that would use them. Recently, I’ve been thinking about the value of systems. I suspect that’s because I’ve needed a couple of new ones this year.

I use systems for everything. I am a systems guru myself. I’ve been teaching my grands about systems for the last fifteen years that we have shared the same living space. It has saved me from hunting for my scissors, tape, the milk, or butter jar (yes, they get borrowed), and many other things that would engender frustration if I had to look for them all the time.

Years ago, one of the mothers I mentored asked me how I overcame my yelling habit. I wasn’t sure how to answer her at the time, but I gave it some thought. I realized I had developed a simple system. You can’t say, “I’m never going to do such and such again” and think that’s all it takes. Willpower is never enough to bring lasting change. What I did was devise a plan, a system, if you will, for what I was going to do instead of yelling. I came up with something and began using it. It wasn’t easy. It took determination and time, lots of both.

As I thought about the process I used all those years ago, I realized that the hardest part was continuing to use the system once I had figured it out. Yes, consistency was the hardest part. Years ago, I read a piece of research that showed that often, when people find a system that works to resolve a sticky situation, they soon abandon it and return to their old, unsuccessful way of managing. Interesting!

Another problem that can mess with a good system is not enrolling your family. They have no reason to keep the system going. They think it’s for your convenience and have no vested interest. Consequently, eventually there is a mess or a missing item and you must spend extra time to reorganize or find it.

During the time spent in Kim’s home, I noticed that she not only had simple and successful systems, but she had gotten her family to enroll in the systems and, for the most part, they used them successfully. I took notes and want to share them with you.

Tips to Enroll Yourself and Your Family in Simple Systems

Ask enrolling questions
Ask yourself and your family to participate
Let your family know what’s in it for them
Then earn the right to tell, teach, or request anything of them or yourself

Example One – Overcoming Procrastination, Doing The Dishes

a. Ask yourself enrolling questions. Write your response.

How would it feel to have a clean kitchen every morning?
Wouldn’t it feel refreshing to never feel guilty about dishes again?

b. Welcome yourself to participate. Give yourself a pep talk. Write your simple pep talk down. You can put it by your bed to read daily or tape it over the sink. : )

This is an exciting adventure. I’m organizing the kitchen and getting the dishes done daily. I’m having a good time watching myself grow. I’m excited!

c. Let yourself know what’s in it for you. Add it to your pep talk.

When the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean, I am free to spend time with my family. I feel happy and energized. Starting the day without dishes is wildly freeing!

d. Earn the right to ask for this change from yourself. Add this to your pep talk.

I have done a magnificent job organizing my Sunday School class for well over two years now. I know I can organize myself and get the dishes done, just like I do with my Sunday School class.

Once you are enrolled you will have made a firmer commitment to the change. You won’t be perfect, but you’ll be successful. Whenever you find yourself flagging in your efforts, re-enroll yourself. It helps if you read your pep talk daily till you master your new system. If a system involves your family, then see the example below for enrolling them.

Example 2 – Getting Simple Chores Done Before School.

a. Ask enrolling questions.

Would you like to be free to rest, eat a snack, or be with a friend after school?
Can I show you how we could do that?

b. Welcome them to participate.

I appreciate you guys talking with me this morning. I think I have a powerful idea to share with you that you’re going to love. It is going to be so freeing and restful.

c. Let them know what’s in it for them.

The question I have been thinking about is, how we can free up more time in the afternoon to do things we want to do. When we free up time, you’ll be able to lay on the couch and enjoy a snack without having to rush. On some days, you’ll have time to watch a video or engage with your phone. Sometimes you can even have a friend over.

E. Earn the right to make this suggestion.

I have been your mom for over 12 years, and I know a lot about getting things done really fast to make time for rest and fun. I’ve been practicing this for a long time, and I know a lot about it.

Now lay out your plan for how the chores can get done before school time. Then make sure that the rewards happen! (This will work best if you only ask for what can be done in the available time before school. For example – make the bed, put PJs away, dirty clothes in the hamper, and toys in the closet.)

The Point of This Article Is…

To encourage you to experiment with simple systems that will work for your family, systems that you can commit to and enroll your family in. The ultimate reward for this effort is saving time, reduced frustration, living with less chaos, and having more peace. When we don’t implement systems, we live by default. Our system becomes ‘no system’. This prevents a family from functioning as effectively as it could.

Look around. What’s one thing that’s bugging you? (I said ONE thing!) How could you turn it into a simple system? Now, enroll your family in the effort to make the change. They might even have some great input as to what the system could look like.

I have systems for everything – where my glasses are kept, remembering to use my c-pap, managing the dishes, getting to bed on time, managing my mother’s clothes so she knows how to find them, making sure everyone gets the right meds, at the right time, who is in charge of what, where the tape, glue, and scissors are housed, when the laundry gets done and how, garbage management, and the list goes on!

I can promise you, simple systems, used consistently, make a huge difference in your peace of mind and in family management!

An Example That Will Bless Our Children

This week, I began cleaning the top shelves that encircle my living room and the two bedrooms. It’s a big job, requires a ladder, and the accumulated dust is incredible. I only do this once a year.

As I dusted the books, I thought: “One day I will be sitting at the table reading all these wonderful books, learning so much. It’s going to be amazing.” I was thinking about the years between ninety and one hundred, yes, I plan to be around that long and won’t be alone until then. LOL I wouldn’t be caregiving, going to lots of doctors’ appointments, or running grands to and fro. So, it stands to reason that I would have more time for what I have always loved, learning.

However, waiting until I am in my nineties to do something that I know is valuable today is silly. Then I recalled my daily affirmation/commitments that I read every morning without fail. Here is a new statement for 2025: “I read, study, and write daily. As I fill my mind with truth and knowledge, my soul expands, my wisdom increases, and I am blessing others.”

The truth is, I am not waiting until I can sit uninterrupted to learn, grow, and share with others. I am doing it now, amid the chaos of a four-generation home, caregiving, and a busy life. This is something we can all do.

An Example

I worked with a mom who pushed her kids to learn. She was after them all the time. It became harder and harder for all of them. I asked her why she felt desperate and pushed her kids so hard. Here is what she shared. She believed she had wasted a lot of her childhood not learning. She left high school with mediocre grades. She hadn’t read many books. She felt uneducated. She was determined to save her kids from her fate. Yet for all her good intentions, she was having a daily fight with her two oldest children.

Here is what I know about this woman. She is intelligent and talented. She runs her own successful business. Her home is clean and orderly. Her children are learning, active in sports, music, and socially. She has a growing marriage relationship. This mother began homeschooling in hopes of helping her children feel smarter and more accomplished than she felt. She was getting the same results she had seen when they were in public education.

This woman felt like a failure because of what she believed about her past. She has felt for decades that she isn’t smart. However, all she has accomplished in the present belies that story. Many adults share this woman’s experience. I homeschooled my last two, but Kate has always felt uneducated. So, this isn’t about what educational system we choose. It’s about how we view learning, our families, and our own.

Do we make time for learning?
Do we give our children an example of someone who values growing and changing?
Do we read?
Do we read to our kids? Family reading can be life-changing.
Do we allocate time to share what we learn with each other?
Are books and audiobooks available?

You Do It First!

One of the best ways to help our children love learning and make it a part of their lives is for us to do it first; to be an example of the power of learning and growing.

I suggested to this devoted mother that she begin learning and let her children see her doing it; begin trusting that she is smart and can learn. I suggested she read for herself and to her family, and that they have dinner conversations about ideas and thoughts. I told her it would be wise to read what her kids read and discuss those books. I suggested that she read an occasional hard book and then tell her children about the Ahas she has. What about letting them see you taking notes? Maybe have a family book club if your kids are adults. In short, model a love of learning and how you are growing and changing because of it.

Everyone must learn to love growth. We do that personally by reading, studying, conversing about what we are learning, and sometimes, being mentored. We help build this love in our children by modeling it for them.

Ways to Model Learning and Growth

Don’t wait for the chaos to leave; find ways now. Put a book in the bathroom and read one paragraph whenever you go in that room. It may not feel like much, but I promise you will read more than you think possible, and you will bless the lives of your children and eventually your grandchildren.
Listen to audiobooks.
Have mini conversations and dinner conversations. This is facilitated when we have something to share, ask good questions, and eat together occasionally. : )
Have books available. I read things way above my level when I was a girl because my father returned to college when he had nine children. The books were everywhere, so I read them. I didn’t understand much, but enough to keep me interested.

My children have commented as adults that my continued growth has helped them do the same. I am merely sharing what I have experienced as a youth, a mother, and now as a grandmother. Think about this. What interests you? What do you want to know more about? What could you read that sounds interesting right here, at home, right now? Be brave and begin.

Anyone Can Have an Enlarged Perspective

Last fall, on a walk with a friend, Livia asked me how I got such an enlarged perspective growing up in the era I did. It is because my parents were learners. My mom sang, led music, and taught classes in church and her craft store. My dad was a reader and always had books lying around. He talked with many people. They were both open to learning.

I married a man who isn’t a reader. I read to him and help him listen to talks and podcasts. His greatest gift is his ability to connect with people. He is full of questions and learns a great deal as he listens. This comes naturally for him, but I have to work on it. : )

While looking at old cards and letters, I found something I had written to Don early in our parenting, probably in our forties– “…the better able you are to communicate with deity and others, the more the turmoil dies down like a boiling pot being stirred. It’s still boiling, the turmoil and need to change are still there, but the stirring keeps it from boiling over or becoming more than is bearable.”

This is what our continuing education helps us with – perspective and keeping the pot from boiling over.

Don’t put your learning and growth on hold for a more convenient or quiet time. It can be done at home, in small moments now, and shared with those you love.

It’s part of the legacy you give to your children.

Our Perception is Vital to Our Sense of Wellbeing Part 2

One evening, my husband Don was watching Sci-Fi on TV. I was cooking and could hear it. A man said to a woman, “To heal your wounds, you must see the past clearly.”

This woman had been mad at her mother her whole life. Her mother was killed in the jungle while trying to catch a spider known for its miraculous healing properties. Before dying, the mother delivered her child, who lived. The woman believed her mother went because of the wealth the spider would bring. She wondered why her mother had cared so little about her unborn child.

The man sent the woman into the past, to the jungle. She saw her mother’s excitement when they caught the spider. She saw her mother being attacked, then deliver her baby, and die. Those helping the mother used the spider venom on the baby’s tiny body. The woman had not known that her life was in danger, and her mother had gone into the jungle to save her.

When the woman returned to the present, she said to the man, “I didn’t know she was trying to save me. I didn’t have all the information and assumed she didn’t love me enough to keep herself out of harm’s way.” This woman physically returned to the past to get facts and clarity about something she didn’t understand, and it was life-changing.

I have heard all my life that you can’t change the past. You can’t go back. You have to let it go and move on. I no longer accept this counsel. I have experienced that we can change the past, at least in our minds, how it affects our present and future, and you don’t need to go there physically to do it.

The second perception experience was with my 50+ year old son, Seth. He has lived on Jodie’s property, where I live in our four-generation home, for over a year. It’s been nice to have his presence and help. We have all benefited, including Seth. His reason for coming here, from Montana, which he loves, was to take a series of classes to help him do some healing work. You see, no one’s past is trauma-free. It is the bag thing. : )

After Seth finished his classes, he began working as staff/support for others on the same path. That fulfilling way to spend time is what has anchored him here. A few weeks ago, after working at a session, he had the opportunity to share an experience, to illustrate to those in the session that yes, you can change the past. The listeners were moved. Since then, he has been asked to share with others.

I asked Seth to write his experience so I could share it with you.

The Fundamentals of Changing Your Past by Seth Johnson

I am sure many of us, at different points in our lives, have said, “If I could just go back in the past and change that one thing, my life would be so different”. That sentiment is something I have said to myself hundreds of times.

Is it possible to change your past?

Yes, it is. You may be asking yourself, “How is that possible?” Well, it’s possible through rewriting the story and changing your perception of the memory you acquired through that experience. What does that mean?

What are the fundamentals of our past?

The fundamental aspect of our past is not the actual experience but the perception we create in our memory of that experience, which can either be good or bad in relation to how it affects our life. So, by rewriting our perception of the past, we then change our past.

A Real-life Example

“I spent 20 years hating my ex-wife. I told myself that she was a terrible person, that she destroyed my life, and the self-confidence I had, that I would never forgive her for stealing my dog, etc. etc. I have spent the last year and a half going through some personal development training and although what I am speaking of here was not necessarily one of the topics in class, I found this knowledge along the way.

The answer to changing my past was through rewriting the story, thus changing my perception of how I feel about her. I do not hate her anymore, and I never actually did. I truly love her and wish her the best in life. She did not destroy my self-confidence. I chose to be in a situation that created a beautiful learning experience. Not everything was bad; we shared beautiful times, and we loved each other in the way we knew how to love, which was distorted through early experiences in life regarding love. Neither of us knew how to show love healthily.

I chose to carry that hate and hurt for 20 years. It was never about the actual things she did along the way. I wasn’t perfect either and played a part in it all. It was the perceptions I placed into my memories regarding the so-called “bad things” she had done. The moment I re-wrote the story, it changed the perception of the story of my past, thus changing my past.”

Our Perception Does Matter

When something good or bad happens, we perceive others’ intentions and motives. Then we create our story around what we have chosen to believe. That isn’t always bad. But occasionally it’s helpful to rewrite a story and take a second look at an experience, if it is causing us pain, sorrow, grief, or another unhealthy response that negatively affects our life.

This is simple, but like many simple things, it isn’t easy. We can’t magically send ourselves back to an experience and watch it as if it were a movie where we are privy to what we didn’t know or understand. However, we can take our minds back. We can take a second look. We can give others the benefit of the doubt and think the best. We can choose to forgive even if the offender had bad motives or committed a terrible wrong.

And why would we do this instead of just holding the other person accountable? So we can free ourselves, to heal, to move forward, and have a better life

I know from my and Seth’s experience that when we understand the power our perception has, no matter our age, we can change the past, at least how it affects us going forward.

Our story, what we choose to tell ourselves about any circumstance, keeps us in chains or sets us free.

Our Perception is Vital to Our Sense of Wellbeing Part 1

I’ve written many articles on the importance of making sure the story we tell ourselves is helpful to our sense of well-being, healthy relationships, and happiness. How we perceive something matters.

Recently, I had two experiences that cemented what I have learned in over a decade and a half of taking control of how I ‘see’ what is happening in my life, both in the past and present. I’m sharing one experience today and the other next week. They are powerful.

Stress Is a Killer!

When I began caregiving my mom 6 ½ years ago, I did a lot of reading on dementia, so I would know how to care for both of us. There was a lot of useful information. In most of the books and articles I read, I also found this counsel: “Caregiving can be extremely demanding, both physically and emotionally…Studies have shown that family caregivers are at a higher risk of mortality compared to non-caregivers. Approximately 30% of family caregivers die before the person they are caring for.” This information was so prevalent in what I read and heard from other caregivers, that I beleived it was true and it concerned me. I was caregiving three people, in a 4-generation home.

There is also a common belief in the minds of the public that stress, from any situation that is ongoing, is toxic. Stress has been blamed for catching the common cold to creating cardiovascular problems. For example, one article I read said: Stress can have significant physical and physiological effects on the body. Here are some of the key ways that stress can impact your health:

Cardiovascular System:
• Increased heart rate and blood pressure
• Dilated blood vessels
• Increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and hypertension

Endocrine System:
• Release of stress hormones (e.g., cortisol, adrenaline)
• Increased blood sugar levels
• Changes in metabolism and fat distribution
• Increased risk of obesity and type 2 diabetes

The list went on covering other body parts and organs. I wondered how I could manage what I had taken on and remain healthy. I had stress management tools and I used them, but stress is ever present when caregiving, and according to what seemed to be true, I was definitely in harm’s way.

A few years ago, someone reached out who wanted to add a new stress tool to my arsenal to help me have a healthier brain. Here’s the pitch:

S T R E S S
These 6 letters can completely ruin your brain health and create short-term memory loss. Chronic stress, the kind that has you up at night, eats away at the memory sector of your brain, the hippocampus. It causes inflammation, throws your hormones out of balance and there is a big school of medicine that believes most diseases are caused by chronic stress.
•Stress is your brain’s #1 enemy – it is the single largest reason for your memory issues
•Unless you do something to manage your stress on a daily basis your memory, and your brain health will quickly deteriorate.

Here was my response to a question the sender asked: “I am convinced that stress is the cause of my detail memory being so compromised.” I had bought into this belief about stress hook, line, and sinker.

This Was MINDBLOWING!

Last fall I listened to a Ted Talk on stress. It was mind-blowing! The title was How to Make Stress Your Friend by Kelly McGonigal, a psychologist. She told us that for years she had warned her patients about the dangers hidden in stress. But recently, she had been introduced to new research that blew her mind!

It turns out that stress, whether you are caregiving, have a tough job, or are parenting, doesn’t need to take a toll on your health. In fact, it can improve your heart and health. Yes, you heard me correctly!! Her information on how stress is good for your heart was so unexpected and came from reliable research.

McGonigal said: “Stress. It makes your heart pound, your breathing quicken, and your forehead sweat. But while stress has been made into a public health enemy, new research suggests that stress may only be bad for you if you believe that to be the case.”

One research study showed that people with the same type and amount of stress either died or lived depending on their beliefs about stress. This made me sit up and pay attention. As I researched this new idea, I read this: “With demands on time, energy, emotions, and relationships, caregiving isn’t easy. So, you might think it would take its toll on the physical health of those who care for family members with chronic conditions. But new research offers a positive surprise: Family caregivers may live longer.”

McGonigal urged us to see stress as a positive and understand its value to the body. Also, to know that what you believe about stress impacts how it ultimately affects you. And there it is–our story matters, what we say and how we perceive what is happening brings about the result we get.

Not long after I heard the TED talk, I bought the book The Upside of Stress by Dr. McGonigal. I want to understand how stress can work in my favor. I want this information deep in my soul so that I can do what I have taken on and flourish. The read is fascinating.

Has understanding this changed anything in my day-to-day life? NO. I still clean up plenty of poop. Sitting down without interruptions is rarely an option. There is plenty of frustration and annoyance. My mother’s dementia is progressing, she has had a mini-stroke, and every day is a new normal. Watching someone die is like living on a roller coaster. Don’s surgery brought 6 weeks of extra work and stress. But now, with my new story, when I feel overly stressed, I straighten up and say to myself – “Way to go. This is so good for your heart. You’re going to live to be 100!”

And you know what, I believe it.

P.S. Next week I challenge the idea that we cannot change the past. I will share an example that will show you, you can! You are going to love this!

Simple Systems Are the Solution

I have learned from lived experience that simple systems are usually the solution to difficult problems in time and life management. This was not an easy lesson to learn, and I occasionally still ignore this truth, but when I do, I suffer.

A few years ago, I was praying because I needed help with time management to do the necessary chores, serve others, and care for my family. I also needed space to serve and care for myself. This is an ongoing prayer I repeat regularly because time & life can be a beast to manage. LOL

My System for Getting Up

During this season of prayer and pondering, I had a task on my daily list that I needed to accomplish by a certain time, and it was clear in my mind. As I went to sleep, I reminded myself I had this task to do first thing in the morning. When I woke up, the project came immediately to mind, and I got right up. It was a favor for my sister, Cindy. She needed an item in short supply that year that she hadn’t been able to find in her area. I needed to be at the store at 7 am to see if I could find it for her. I was on time, and my quest was successful.

The next day, I woke up just before my alarm went off, as I had the day before. I had the same list for the day but hadn’t picked something to get up for. I lay in bed for a few minutes, and the alarm went off. I thought, “My body is amazing. It knows just what to do. It always wakes up a few minutes before the alarm.” Then I dropped back to sleep. I didn’t wake up again until 7:30 and was bugged because my body had done its job waking me up, and I hadn’t done my part and gotten up.

As I said my morning prayer, it came to my mind that I manage better upon waking when I have chosen a specific thing to get up for. It gives me a reason to get up, other than just managing another busy day. They’re all busy!! Since then, I have filled out my daily worksheet and picked one item to focus on when I rise. That has worked wonders in assisting me, even when I would rather sleep longer. I know this experience was an answer to my prayers. It gave me the knowledge I needed about myself and a system to solve the issue. I love how God answers prayers. : )

A few months into this experiment, I didn’t get to bed until 10 p.m., which is late for me in the winter. I try to be in bed by 9:30 because winter and the lack of sun make life more challenging. So, good sleep matters.

I had chosen a specific project I needed to have done before 9 am, and it would take a couple of hours. This was what I would get up for. However, I didn’t hear my alarm. Fortunately, Don did and put his hand on my shoulder, waking me up. Before he could say a word, I remembered what I needed to do, and I was out of bed and going in seconds.

It reminds me of when I was writing my book, and it wasn’t going well. As I prayed about the futility of the project, I had the thought to get up at 4 and write until I had to get ready for work at 7. What a terrible idea!! But because I had a specific task, I made it work six days a week for over six months! It wasn’t easy, but the planned task made it doable, and I finished and published my book.

I have gotten very good at using this system to assist me in getting up when I would rather sleep. It isn’t perfect. I have days when I forget to tell myself why I am getting up the next morning. Then chances are, I won’t. There are also days when I choose to ignore why I’m getting up. I always regret it! LOL Then there are days that I tell myself we are sleeping in, and it is OK.

Examples of Other Simple Systems

Example 1 – I wasn’t getting my scriptures read, my prayers said, my affirmation/commitments read, or writing in my gratitude journal some days. This matters to me, so I needed to figure it out. If I left the bathroom in the morning without doing these things, I would become distracted and wouldn’t get them done. As I prayed and pondered the situation, I began having interesting ideas.

I put my scriptures, gratitude journal, and affirmation/commitments in a basket in the bathroom. I hung my clothes for the next day on a hook so I wouldn’t need to go back to the bedroom. After dressing, brushing my teeth, and combing my hair, I would read a few verses, pray, read my affirmations, and write in my gratitude journal.

While experimenting with this routine, I ran into another problem. My glasses would be on the kitchen table, and if I went to get them, then distractions happened. Now I put my glasses on my desk at night, which is in the bedroom. Walking past the desk in the morning, I grab the glasses. It’s working like a charm; it’s another piece of a very simple system.

If I wanted to use my phone to read, rather than a hard copy, it would be an easy adjustment. I plug my phone in at my desk in the bedroom. When I get my glasses, I could also grab the phone.

Hanging my clothes in the bathroom, having my scriptures in a basket, and having my glasses on the desk in the bedroom is a simple system.

Example 2 – Filling out my daily worksheet the night before is another successful system. I dress and have my bathroom routine, but I also need to know what is planned for the day. What appointments do I have? Any special chores? Any service I need to manage? Stuff for Jodie, my grands, my mom, or Don?

Filling out my worksheet before bed helps me order the coming day. That doesn’t mean everything will get done, but it helps me recenter when disruptions happen. It keeps the flow going.

Example 3 – A year ago, I got a CPAP machine. After an evaluation, I discovered I stopped breathing many times a night. This is detrimental to brain function and not a good way to get the needed rest to manage a home and family.

An app. tracks how many hours a night the machine is used. At my follow-up appointment, I was on the border of qualifying to have insurance continue paying for my machine. I was only using it 70% of the time. Talking with my doctor, I realized the problem. I wake up a few times at night. I don’t have trouble going back to sleep, as I have trained my body. I often fall asleep so quickly that I don’t get the mask on. I needed a simple system.

I decided that when I awoke and took off the mask, I would place it in the middle of my pillow instead of at the back of the pillow. Super simple, and it has worked wonders. I’ll bet I have upped my score to over 85%. That is good for insurance purposes but even better for good sleep and a healthy brain.

Seriously, systems work. They help solve problems like mine: how to make myself get up, how to manage time better, how to fit in the things that normally get buried under home and family management, how to keep going when disruptions happen, and how to have a healthier brain.

I want you to see that simple systems can be very effective. I also want you to understand what a system looks like. I didn’t for many years. I thought they were complicated ways of managing big stuff. Systems in corporations, businesses, or medicine can be complex, and most of us view the term ‘system’ in this light. I want to expand your view of what a system is. It is nothing more than figuring out a consistent way to get something accomplished – dishes, laundry, meals on the table, getting kids up on a school morning, making time for yourself, getting to bed on time, getting your personal study done, etc. They all require a planned and not a default system. When you create a plan and consistently use it, you will have systems that work.

It will be life-changing!

From Sixty-Two to Seventy-Five, This Hasn’t Changed!

From the movie The Kid

The 40-year-old man and the eight-year-old boy sat together in the airport diner, eating fries and burgers. They each thought their own thoughts about life, as it is and as it would be. The man and the boy were the same person, who, through some fluke, was in the same space and time together.

8-year-old: You’re not mad?
40-year-old: About what?
8-year-old: That we didn’t change anything.
40-year-old: No. Are you ok that you’ll have to fight that bully every day for the rest of grade school and go through high school ugly?
8-year-old: But not dumb.
40-year-old: No, not dumb. And that you’ll go through college without a date.
8-year-old: And get to be 40 with no family.

They look at each other and smile. Then, a dog named Chester grabs a fry, and they run out to the tarmac and see the 70-year-old man. He too is them. He has a family and flies a plane.

40-year-old: Are you who I think you are?
70-year-old: Smile and a nod.
40-year-old: How did we do it?
70-year-old: You have 30 years to find out.

And here is what they all three know – We can do this; it will all work out, and dreams do come true.

As the 70-year-old flies away with his family, we hear the 8-year-old and the 40-year-old shout, “We made it! We’re OK! We’re not a loser! We grew up to be a pilot with a family!” Then they do a happy dance.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to know, for sure, that despite how now looks and feels, you are going to be OK? Wouldn’t it be nice? The desire to know we are not losers and are OK is inside each of us.

When I was sixty-two, I emailed a very successful, well-known woman and asked her to help me with something in my business. It was as intimidating to me as writing the queen. She responded. shocked that I would think enough of her to ask. Imagine! We shared our hopes, dreams, struggles, and some of our fears. Here’s what I discovered: She is me, and I am her. We are more alike than we are different. I think that’s true of all of us. We worry that what is coming won’t live up to our expectations, that we won’t live up to our expectations.

Here is what I know:

• Today is all there is, so rejoice and be glad in it.
• Everything won’t work out or be easy, but it will be all right in the end.
• You do not carry your load alone, no matter how it feels.
• Time heals all wounds if we let it and seek resources and help.
• Everything changes, and that is a good thing, even though it feels scary at times.
• We are all more alike than we are different.
• We all struggle in one way or another, so be kind to everyone.
• You have more power than you know.

I wrote these words when I was sixty-two, a baby compared to now! I am seventy-five and sharing these thoughts again because not only have they not changed, but they have also become truer in my heart and life. I know they are true!

On the wall in my office/bedroom, I have these thoughts printed:

The Lord has a plan for me, and it will be a GIFT! Mary Ann Johnson

Life is incredibly unfair – in your favor. Jennie Taylor

Whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say, “It is well with my soul.” From the Hymn, It Is Well With My Soul by Horacio Spafford

We want everything to happen for a reason. A better mindset might be to let God make reason of everything that happens. Jennie Taylor

We can feel heartbreak and joy at the same time. Matt Haig

You can’t wait until life stops being hard to be happy. Jane Marczewski – Nightbirde

If you do your best, it will all work out. Mary Ann Johnson

Our dreams can come true. We can live up to our expectations. There is a plan, and we fit perfectly into it. It may not happen in the time frame we want, but if we hold on to hope and believe in ourselves, we will win.

Isn’t that nice to know!

Why & How Body Language Matters When Working With Kids

When I began teaching, mentoring, and writing family-centered articles, I was working with the homeschool community. However, in 2016, as I started writing my book Becoming a Present Parent, I realized my message about connecting with children was beneficial to a wider audience.

I created a new website, maryannjohnsoncoach.com. I had many thoughts and ideas that I began sharing. However, on home-school-coach.com, there were over 600 articles that most families would benefit from. I started updating and republishing these articles on the new site. I’ve been working on this project for over eight years. It’s been a labor of love and is still a work in progress. This is because the ideas, thoughts, and experiences have never stopped flowing, and I am constantly writing new articles.

In 2011, I took a class on body language from 3 Key Elements because I had begun speaking from stage and knew it would be helpful. Then, the company offered a class taught by one of their trainers, Amy Walker, on how body language can assist you in understanding your kids and avoiding conflict.

I loved the class and gained much from it. Since I was working with families and children, I asked Amy if she would write an article on what she had taught the mothers and fathers in her class. She did, and the information was published as a two-part series on my old website in 2012.

I love the information in these two articles, which has proven useful. I’m republishing them in one article today. I am sharing it as Amy Walker wrote it with minor grammatical and punctuation changes. I know you will find value here. You will either say, “Wow, good for me. I already know that,” or “Gosh, I didn’t realize that.” In either case, it will jumpstart your mind, and you will look at how you respond to your children with renewed or new eyes. Enjoy.

Understanding Body Language by Amy Walker

Body Language is an extremely important part of communication. Did you know that 93% of communication is NON-VERBAL? That means your tone and gestures are saying far more than your words! In the last year, I have seen a huge growing interest from schools and parents in using body language to help kids perform better in school. I have personally trained for the Utah State Office of Education, the Department of Workforce Services Teen Program, American Leadership Academy, and other elementary/charter schools. Already for 2012, I am scheduled to teach over 900 teachers about body language. I know I use body language with my four sons daily! It’s a powerful tool to increase communication, trust, understanding, and learning. In this article, I hope to teach you the importance of Body Language and share examples of what to look for with your children.

Body Language is the body’s physical response to what is going on in the subconscious mind. As you study and understand the body’s unique language, you can gain insights into thoughts, learning patterns, emotions, and motivations. If you see the whole picture, you will be more effective as a parent and educator.

The conscious mind can hold onto about 7 thoughts at a time. The subconscious processes billions of things at the same time; every memory, feeling, idea, body function, all the way down to cell reproduction and breathing are taken care of by our subconscious mind. I am constantly fascinated by what I can ‘See’ going on in my children that they don’t even know how to express!

I want to teach you 5 basic gestures you can use TODAY to help increase communication with your children! Remember, Body Language is a LANGUAGE! It takes practice to become fluent! But hopefully, after this article, you will at least know a few “Words and Phrases” to look for! I will also provide a few examples of using this with my children.

Learn to Read Eye Movements

Eye movements are fascinating. As you watch a person’s eyes move, you will see where they go to access information inside of themselves. You can tell if the experience or decision is emotion-driven, influenced by others, or based on past experiences.

Movement 1 – When you see an individual look up and to the right, they are looking into the right side of their brain.

Right-Side Brain Functions:
*Big picture thinking
*Future
*Creativity
*Artistic
*Imagination
*Vision

Movement 2 – When you see someone look up and to the left, they are looking into the left side of their brain.

Left-Side Brain Functions:
*Linear Thinking
*Details
*Logic
*Facts
*Numbers
*Past Experiences

Example 1
My 9-year-old son was upstairs doing his homework. He came downstairs, and I asked, “Did you finish your homework?” He looked up and to the right and then said, “Yep!” So, I clarified and said, “You did? You finished your homework?” He made the same move and answered yes again. I had seen the same move twice and knew I hadn’t imagined it! I had asked him a question that should have caused him to look into his past, into his detail section-left brain.

Instead, he looked into the big picture/ creative section of his brain. I realized clarification was necessary, so I asked, “So what did you do?” This time, he answered, “I did my math” and looked to the left. That answer matched. So, I clarified again, “What else did you need to do?” Looking a little less excited, he looked down and answered, “My spelling.” His body language told me that not only was his work not finished, but also why it wasn’t finished (Stay tuned for what looking down indicates!). Rather than arguing the next day about why homework wasn’t finished when he said it was, we were able to clarify, and I could see that he needed extra help and support.

Movement 3 – When you see someone look side to side (right or left), they are looking towards their ears, listening to outside influences.

Outside Influences Could Include:
*Parents
*Teachers
*Friends
*TV/media references
*Church or Civic Leaders
*Negative thoughts they hear inside their head

This is an EXTEMELY powerful indicator to watch for. If you want to help your child be happier and more successful, watch for how often they listen to others inside their mind. As a culture, we struggle with negative thoughts. Helping your child (and yourself) clear out the other people inside their head will help them feel better about themselves, and they will have more focus in moving towards what they want. I once read that the average person has between 25 and 50,000 thoughts daily. Highly successful athletes are closer to 15,000 thoughts a day. Their ability to focus and clear out the mind chatter helps them be more successful.

Movement 4 – Looking up towards the sky. Let’s not confuse this with the infamous eye roll. They mean very different things! When people look up towards the sky, they are looking to their Higher Power. They are looking for new answers, inspiration, and connection with whatever they believe in that is bigger than them.

A Tip for Parents

If you see your child look up and then give you their answer, please be cautious how you respond. They will feel a strong connection to this answer; it will intuitively feel right to them. We all have experienced a “Dream Crusher” at some point. I never want to be that dream-crusher for my children. It might not be an answer I love and am completely excited about. It also does not mean that is their answer for the rest of their lives. But right now, they are likely to feel very strongly about their thoughts, dreams, or ideas, and as they follow them, they will progress and grow.

Example 2
I taught at a school in front of teachers, parents, and students. I had a volunteer come up on stage. She was 16, and I was helping her adjust her body language so she could be more effective in delivering her message. I asked her what her message was, and she looked to the sides, then said, “I don’t know.” So, I asked again. This time, she responded but looked to the sides again. It still wasn’t her real message. After a few tries, she looked up. When her eyes came down, she spoke of kindness to others, knowing who you really are, and not hiding to make others feel comfortable. It was powerful, and everyone in the room felt its authenticity. Every part of her body language was stronger. Her tone was stronger because this time, she spoke a message that rang true in her heart. I could see from the first answer that she was worried about what other people would think. Because I saw the signs, I was more effective in helping her get to her real message.

Movement 5 – Looking down. When you see someone look down, they are looking into their emotions. They are soul-searching. This answer may take longer to find. It also takes more trust to share. If you see your child look down, it’s essential to stop what you’re doing and adjust your focus to your child. When they find their answer, they will check in with you. If you’re not paying attention, they are not likely to share their thoughts. They will swallow them down and decide that how they feel is not important enough for your time.

Example 3
My 6-year-old was having a very naughty day. He kept pestering his brothers and seemed bent on a course of destruction! I asked him, “What’s going on, buddy?” He immediately looked down. So, I changed my question to “How are you feeling today?” He took a long time to answer. To the untrained eye, it probably would have looked like he was being defiant. But I knew to be patient. I waited, and after what felt like 5 minutes, he gave a quick peek at me. When he saw I was still listening, he looked up again and said, “I feel like I’m invisible.” An experience that could have ended in a time out, with lots of frustration on both sides, ended in a hug.

I LOVE working with teens and kids! They are truly amazing. They are wild and crazy, challenging, inspiring, and powerful all at the same time. As parents and teachers, if we can increase understanding and figure out what makes each of our kiddos tick, we will be much more effective at guiding them.

I invite each one of you to study your children!

Amy Walker is a wife, mother, and business owner. She is married and has four sons. She loves to read. She also loves music and has played the cello since childhood. Amy graduated from BYU with a degree in Linguistics and a minor in Teaching English as a Second Language. During college, she lived and taught English in Russia. She also taught ESL in public schools. She loves foreign languages and cultures.