A mom in our neighborhood has become a family friend. She has spent time in our home. She has shared meals, and we have had the opportunity to talk. She has observed our four-generation family, our little ecosystem, as my daughter calls it, from inside and out.
I Wish You Were My Mom
Not too long ago, she said, “I wish you were my mom. You’re the best mom. My mom didn’t share love; she was a stone.” This comment has caused me to ponder my past, my in between, and my now.
I, like Christy, had some challenges growing up. I was the oldest of nine with a mother who had been sexually abused for many of her growing-up years. Holding, hugging, and nurturing were not her strong suits when I was young. She fed us, got us places, kept us and our home clean, but she wasn’t present in many ways. I didn’t understand when I was a girl, but in the ensuing fifty-six years, I have come to understand many things. After I left home, I watched my mother grow and change. I watched her nurture my younger siblings and serve those around her. I love my mom for never giving up on herself, for giving me an example of change and growth.
She Only Knows the Person and Mother I Am Today
I could understand some of what Christy was feeling when she made her comment. However, as genuine as what she said was, I realized that she only knows the person and mother I am today. She doesn’t know that I was inwardly angry and that I raged. She doesn’t know I had a hard time with touch because I, too, had been sexually abused. She doesn’t know that tenderness and caring for people, more than projects, wasn’t how I began. She doesn’t know how much I had to learn and grow, how much baggage I had to let go of. But my children know!
One of the things that has given me peace about all the errors I made as a parent is that I know I did my best with what I had when I began, and that I didn’t rest there. Over time, I came face-to-face with my weaknesses and shortcomings, and I sought information and resources to help me understand how to change and grow. I wanted to be and do better. I wanted to give my children some of what I had lacked and stop giving them the very things that had wounded me as a child.
It was slow going. There were no computers until some of my kids were teens. There was the library, if you knew what book to look for. I had some neighbors and friends who shared what they had learned, gave advice, and helped me see what I hadn’t been able to see. We can only bring what we have until we gain more. We can only see what we have experienced until someone, or something, opens our eyes, and we see with new eyes. Then we must go to work. Knowing is not enough. We must then do, and that’s a long and often bumpy road. We must pray for and then watch for resources. They will come!
My Example Is Making a Difference
Monday was my 76th birthday. I received cards, and it was fun. However, one of the most meaningful cards wasn’t a birthday card. It was a thank-you card. Jodie wrote: “Mom, I broke out my new sewing machine the other day to fix Ben’s pants. I was able to thread the machine and take care of my son’s needs because you taught me how to sew all those years ago. I sat at the table, remembering, feeling grateful. Thank you, Mom, I love you.”
It caused me to think back, as Jodie had done. I taught my children many things. I taught them to sew, make nourishing meals, clean, put their space in order, garden well, and serve in their community. I gave them the living example of loving God, the value of prayer, a strong work ethic, the value of reading and study, being open to constructive criticism, trying when it was hard, and never giving up. Yes, I was a very good mother in many ways.
But I was unprepared in others. I was carrying a big bag of ‘stuff’. My children had to experience the ‘stuff’ until I could begin emptying my bag. In the process of my own healing and growth, I put ‘stuff’ in my children’s bags. Have all my kids been able to jettison the baggage I gave them? No, they’re still working on it, but I’m confident that when they’re 76, they will have made as much progress as I have.
I’ve watched them do what I did: forgive, change, let go, and grow. It’s been helpful to me and my own sense of OK-ness watching them. I recall, occasionally, when I feel old regrets surface, something my oldest daughter Jodie, said to me when she was in her late thirties. She reminded me that she was able to change a hard thing because of my example. My second daughter, Jenny, brings this up regularly and reminds me how grateful she is that I kept working on myself and was a mirror for her growth.
Many years ago, when I was a teen, someone I respected told me I would touch many people’s lives. I wondered what they were talking about. I was just a girl, liked, but nothing special, carrying my bag of ‘stuff’. All these years later, I can see that despite having so much growing and learning to do, I have impacted many people for good, even my family, who had to live through my growing up and cleaning out.
As time goes on, others will notice the positive changes we’ve made, even if they don’t realize where we started. But our progress will matter most to our children and grandchildren—they are shaped by how we continue to learn, heal, and improve. The legacy we leave them is not perfection but the example of real growth.
Take Heart and Do The Work
No matter how poorly you feel you’re doing as a parent, take heart. Keep pondering and looking inside yourself. Be open to seeing your weaknesses, and then begin working on them rather than beating yourself up over them. Parenting is never made better by berating ourselves. It’s made better when we square our shoulders, stand up straight, and move forward one step at a time, when we give ourselves grace. Look for resources, and they will come. Pray for help, and it will come. I’ve done all this, and it has helped me and my children. Am I done? No. We’re like onions; there’s always another layer to work on, and that’s good. Life stays interesting, and we keep growing.
