Category: Relationships

Reasons for my Thanksgiving Celebration

I am Grateful for:

I’m grateful for my seven children, all of whom are different and amazing. Raising them was a learning experience for me. With their help and forgiveness, I was able to understand what I didn’t know and grow in ways I wasn’t aware I needed to. Then, despite the challenges my growth made for them, they loved me and still do to this day. Amazing!

I’m grateful for sixteen wonderful, funny, busy, and occasionally annoying grandchildren. LOL I am also grateful for four great-grandchildren and one on the way. There is learning that happens with grands and greats, but it is less intense, and the opportunities for fun are increased. : )

I’m grateful for the additions to our family via marriage. I have kind and gentle daughters-in-law and loving, generous sons-in-law. They add much to my life and our whole family. I’ve also been blessed with more grands and greats. Awesome!

I am grateful for our family reunions. We had one this year. What a marvelous opportunity to hug and play with my grands and greats, and to watch my children in action. It makes me proud and grateful.

This is all of us at our July reunion, except for our grandson Kane and his wife Lauren, our grandson Michael, and three of our great-grandchildren, Spencer, Angelina, and Jaidon. They were sorely missed. Hopefully, they can join us for the next one.

I’m grateful for Don and 54 years of being together through thick and thin! Sometimes it seemed as if we might not make it because it could be really thick and then darn thin, but make it we have. Thank goodness! He has been the safest person in my life and my true friend. Today, I love him even more because now, I know him!

I’m grateful for parents and grandparents who did their very best in some trying times and raised me to be a productive, loving, learning, growing, and happy person. It has been a blessing to have my mother living with us for the last eight years. You never know when the opportunity to do some more growing is going to come. I embrace them all, even when they are stretching.

I’m grateful to have been a part-time caregiver to my granddaughter Maggie, who brings joy to my heart; to Don, who still lifts my spirits and heart, despite his health challenges; and to my mom, age 95, with whom I have been able to have a deeper relationship. They have all taught me life lessons that have helped me improve my way of being and become a more understanding person.

I’m also so grateful to have had Maggie, who has cerebral palsy, and Clark, who has autism, in my life. Once you deal with the challenges of special needs with those you love, you’re more understanding. You’re free from fear and can reach out to those outside your family circle who struggle with special needs. And although it can be hard, I am grateful all my grands have had the opportunity to be around special needs, too. They are not afraid of those who are different from them. It’s been a blessing to our entire family.

I’m grateful for five sisters and three brothers. The brothers have all gone home, but we feel them with us, helping us out. We hear Boe’s jokes from where he is. : ) As for the sisters, we love and enjoy one another. It’s nice to have a ready ear to run something by. It’s also nice when they share their clothes because then I don’t have to go shopping. Happened again just this week. LOL Thanks sistas!

I’m grateful for the wonderful friends who read what I write, let me know that it helped them, and that it mattered. This gives great meaning and purpose to my life. They do not know how much it means to me, but I want you all to know. It matters, so I hope you keep reading and sharing.

I’m grateful to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for daily lessons in charity, kindness, and service. They honor me with their trust, and even on the days that I don’t measure up, I know I am loved and watched over. This has been the most valuable thing in my life. I felt this love and trust in that long-ago time when I felt suicidal, and I feel it now, when the days can be chaotic and challenging. This knowledge has saved me. It has blessed me, and it’s what gives me the strength and wisdom to keep going.

I’m grateful for every experience I have had up to this point, both good and bad, because I know that God has made them for my good and that he will continue to do so.

I could go on and on. At this point, I have so many dear friends that I don’t dare name any, lest I forget someone. But I regularly connect with them, and it lifts my spirit and feeds my soul. I value the phone calls, visits, and lunches. I’m strengthened by seeing your faces, hearing about your life, and in turn sharing mine. This is a gift that keeps me going.

I hope you have a restful, peaceful, and thoughtful Thanksgiving. May we all be blessed with love, opportunities to serve, share, learn, and grow, and moments of joy, in the coming year.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

We Can’t Stop Our Lives, But We Can Invite Others In

In an article I wrote in September 2024, titled The Five-Year Lesson, I detailed how I transitioned from not nurturing relationships to consistently engaging in them. In the latter half of 2025, I’ve experienced the wisdom of that five-year lesson. I’m glad I listened to God and myself and took some challenging steps, even though it seemed like just another thing on my very full plate.

For Example

In 2024 and the first half of 2025, I walked three days a week with my friends Livia and Alysia. At that time, we were able to select specific days and a time that worked for all of us. Then we consistently showed up. I was surprised to find it so uplifting to my spirits. Then, at the end of July, Livia crashed on her bike. We walked a couple of times after that, but she discovered she had fractured her ankle and had bad sprains in her legs and hands. She had to take a break. Alysia and I walked a few times, but Don had hand surgery and then hip surgery, and Alysia’s child with type 1 diabetes needed more night and morning care. We found it difficult to maintain our routine. Then, on Sept 3, I had a hip replacement. The walking was done for all of us.

As Livia and I healed, and Alysia’s son’s diabetes became more manageable, school began again. Livia and Alysia were caught in a huge pile of kid stuff that hadn’t been a consideration the year before. For example, Livia’s son is a drummer in the marching band. She drove him to practice every weekday and then spent from early morning until late Saturday evening at competitions. We realized that to connect consistently (not just texting), we would have to manage in a new way. What could we do?

Here’s What Happened

Two weeks ago, Livia contacted me. She had an appointment cancellation and wondered if she could walk (yes, walk) to my home for a short 30-minute visit. Then she had another appointment. We wouldn’t be home from Don’s doctor’s appointment till noon, and the hospice nurse was coming at 1:30. I said, “Yes, come. We’ll fit it in.”

When Livia arrived, I was preparing a quick lunch before the nurse came. She stepped in and helped me fix the food. We talked and laughed. I invited her to eat. She confessed she had quickly downed some salad before hightailing it to my house, was still hungry, and would love to. As we sat at the table eating together, it was wonderful. We laughed. It felt like old times, and even though we had crammed it into a small space in our day, we ENJOYED it. We stepped outside and took a photo to remember the day.

Two days later, I was walking in the aisles of Smith’s Market Place, laughing and talking with Alysia. We had 30 minutes together. It was fun, there was plenty of light, the bakery smelled delicious, and it was warm. No wind. LOL We were able to catch up. It was a relief for both of us to talk with someone who listened, smiled, and let us hold our feelings. We began the walk with a big hug and ended it the same way. We stopped in front of a popcorn display and took a photo, again, to remember the day. Then I finished shopping.

In both cases, it wasn’t what we were used to. No path, trees, birds, sun, privacy, and we had to squeeze it in between other appointments. However, as Alysia said at one point, “We can’t stop our lives, but we can invite others in.” These encounters make a difference in our mental, emotional, and physical health. So, we’re fitting each other into our daily stuff the best we can. Nurtured friendships are worth the time and effort they take.

When Livia left after lunch, she said, “Let’s set another time, or you know we won’t do it.” How right she is, and as Alysia said, while we walked the grocery store aisles, “We can’t stop our lives, but we can invite others in.” Today, Saturday, Alysia and I walked at 2. I almost cancelled becuase of family stuff. I’m glad I didn’t, as it was her birthday. Next week, band competitions will be finished, and Livia will join us at 9 or 10. We’re still working it out. We will continue to connect in these simple and still consistent ways.

For now, this is where we are, and it’s working.

What it Looks Like to ‘See’ Another and Why It Matters

This week, I had an experience that brought to mind the importance of letting our kids know, daily, that we see them and that they matter. It brought back many memories of families I have worked with, parents I have mentored, and the huge impact I’ve seen when moms and dads learn to ‘see’ their kids during the mundane moments of every day.

A universal human need is to matter, especially to those we love. We can all satisfy this need for others, especially in our families, in simple ways. When our children or others we cross paths with feel seen, it builds confidence and strengthens a sense of self-worth. It brings moments of joy. But what does it mean to see someone? I experienced this kind of ‘seeing’ this week.

MY EXPERIENCE

Don takes radiation treatments, and so for almost six weeks, we will be at the hospital every weekday morning. When we arrive, we pull into the valet parking lane, I get Don’s walker out, help my mom, and then we make our way into the hospital while someone parks our car. When we’re finished, we get our keys, and a sweet valet volunteer takes them and heads out to retrieve our car.

The night before this experience, we had our first frost. The next morning, leaves were falling like rain from all the trees. When we returned for our car, the valet lane was filled with leaves, and a young man was blowing them out of the road onto the lawn. However, there were so many cars that he had to keep stopping and waiting. They parked our car in the lane that is usually reserved for those who are loaded and ready to leave. Again, he had to stop. He didn’t seem frustrated, which amazed me. When we got to our car, I turned towards him, smiled, and said, “I’m sorry you have to wait for us.” He returned my smile and responded with, “That’s Ok. Not a problem.” Then I busied myself getting Mom and the walker into the car. As I prepared to enter our vehicle, I heard this young man holler, “You have a good day!” What? I turned, smiled, and told him to do the same. He had kept us in his sight for a few extra minutes so he could wish us well as we drove off. I can tell you, I felt seen.

This experience touched me so much that I did a U-turn and went back. I parked and walked to where he was. I told him that I appreciated his taking notice. I told him I was a writer and wanted to share this experience with my readers because when we ‘see’ each other, it matters. He was willing to let me take a picture of us. He was all smiles and told me I was special. I could tell from his face that he felt special, too.

Can you see the simplicity of this moment and its value? This is what can and needs to happen in families multiple times a day.

How can that be done?

It requires that we take time as we move through our day to ‘see’ our children. If possible, say goodbye at the door when they leave. Smile and say, “Glad you’re home,” when they return. Touch an arm and smile as you pass in the hall. No words needed. Pat the back of a child doing the dishes or folding laundry, then go on your way. Give a word of encouragement and a smile to someone doing their homework. Look in a bedroom door of someone cleaning their room and smile encouragement or say, “You’re doing a good job.” If your child is sitting on the couch watching TV, sit by them, pat a knee, and smile. Then get up and go. Rub a back while sitting at church or while waiting at an appointment. The list goes on. This works even with teens.

IT’S A PRACTICE

Each of these interactions takes less than a minute and can be done all day long if we understand their value. It isn’t just about being nice. It isn’t about being a parent. It’s about letting another person know that they’re seen and that they matter.

This is a practice. The more you do it, the better you get and the more seen your kids feel.

Nurturing Leadership Skills in Children: Parent-Led Approaches

Today, I’m sharing an article written by my friend, Laura Pearson. I’ve watched my daughter, Jodie, do much of what Laura has shared in this well-written article, so I can appreciate the value of the counsel. I know this information will be helpful to both you and your children. Enjoy. : )

Leadership isn’t reserved for boardrooms or political arenas—it’s a skill set that can begin forming in the sandbox, the classroom, and the kitchen table. Parents hold a unique position to influence this growth, helping their children learn how to inspire others, take responsibility, and navigate challenges with confidence. By embedding leadership opportunities into everyday life, you can set your child on a path toward self-assured, compassionate decision-making. Below are a handful of approaches that blend warmth, guidance, and practical skill-building.

Encourage Initiative and Exploration

Kids often need permission to take the first step toward independence. That could be proposing a new family game night, organizing their school supplies in a way that works for them, or even trying a recipe without help. Letting kids make decisions safely builds their sense of agency while allowing you to provide a safety net. The goal isn’t to shield them from every challenge, but to create opportunities where their choices have visible outcomes—good or bad—so they can learn to weigh options, predict consequences, and adapt. These low-risk leadership opportunities help them grow more confident.

Demonstrating Leadership Through Continued Education

One of the most impactful ways to teach leadership is to demonstrate that growth is a continuous process. Enrolling in various nursing bachelor’s degree options not only opens doors for your own career but also sends a clear message to children about the importance of dedication and self-improvement. Balancing coursework with family and professional responsibilities models perseverance, strategic planning, and the ability to prioritize effectively. It shows that leaders are willing to challenge themselves, adapt, and commit to long-term goals. When kids watch a parent work hard to achieve something meaningful, they learn that leadership is as much about action as it is about aspiration.

Embrace imperfection and accountability

Many children equate leadership with being flawless. In reality, good leaders are willing to acknowledge mistakes and learn from them. If your child forgets to bring their homework home or mishandles a group project, resist the urge to rescue them immediately. Instead, focus on talking openly about mistakes with empathy—yours and theirs. Sharing a time you made an error, how you fixed it, and what you learned reinforces the idea that accountability is a strength, not a weakness. This approach normalizes imperfection, helping them see that growth often happens in the recovery process.

Foster Resilience Through Real Ventures

Nothing builds resilience quite like pursuing a challenging goal in the real world. Encourage your child to test their skills outside of home and school, whether through a bake sale, a neighborhood dog-walking service, or a charity fundraiser. When you support young entrepreneurs’ real ventures, you help them develop persistence, creativity, and the ability to troubleshoot under pressure. Even small projects can teach budgeting, customer service, and time management—all vital leadership skills.

Build Communication, Teamwork, and Critical Thinking

Leadership isn’t just about making decisions; it’s also about working well with others and thinking clearly under pressure. Sports teams, school clubs, and volunteer projects all offer ways in which teamwork strengthens communication skills. These experiences train them to lead by collaboration, fostering an environment where everyone feels heard and valued.

Allow Choice and Agency Without Fear of Failure

One of the hardest but most valuable lessons for young leaders is that failure isn’t final—it’s feedback. Whether picking a science fair topic or organizing a small group activity, let them own the process. Letting children learn from failure builds resilience and encourages them to take thoughtful risks. Your role is to guide reflection afterward, helping them identify what worked, what didn’t, and what they’d try differently.

Nurturing leadership in children doesn’t require grand gestures or specialized programs. It’s about weaving responsibility, agency, and empathy into the fabric of everyday life. By modeling strong values, encouraging initiative, embracing mistakes, supporting real-world challenges, fostering teamwork, and allowing room for failure, you equip your child with skills they’ll carry into every stage of life.

Leadership, after all, begins at home—one choice, one conversation, and one opportunity at a time.

Discover transformative insights and practical tips for busy parents at Mary Ann Johnson Coach, where meaningful conversations and learning experiences await!

If you like this post and think it would bring joy to a friend, please share it.

Learning Play – Stars

Summer is the perfect time to learn about stars because after you do a few fun activities, you can lie under the stars as a family, breathe the air, and stare into the night sky. What a relaxing thing to do. As I said a few weeks ago, this summer I am sharing some old grandma school times I had with my grands back in 2011. Bigger kids like helping younger ones, so even though these are simple things, you can do them as a family and get the older kids involved. Just don’t pick a Friday or Saturday night. : )

It’s wise to remember that no matter how WONDERFUL your plans for a family activity, some days don’t work out as you plan. Wouldn’t it be superb if all your family activities and learning moments were stellar (no pun intended), but they aren’t! In that long-ago activity, I made some classic mistakes and share them to help you avoid them.

Learning With Children – Stars

REMEMBER, when a child has an interest, and you don’t hear/see it, you will be in trouble. Last Friday, Jack was OK with the ladybugs I brought, but somewhere between the week before and last Friday, he had decided he wanted to make gingerbread. This is a Christmas tradition I began when my children were small, so he is familiar with it. In his young mind, it isn’t about Christmas. However, I showed up with ladybugs in hand. I told Jack I thought we could do gingerbread men the next time I came, but a week is a horrendously long time for a three-year-old, so his mom said they would make them on the weekend.

Tuesday, when I got to my daughter’s home, I had stars in hand. Jack met me at the door and asked if we were making gingerbread. They hadn’t been able to do it on the weekend. Jodie reminded Jack they were making gingerbread men after the activity with me. Jack was not a happy camper. If I had been wise, I would have scrapped the stars and gone to the kitchen to make gingerbread. The truth is that although we did wonderful activities today, Jack’s heart was in the kitchen. But your kids aren’t waiting to make gingerbread men, so you will love these activities. : )

We began by hanging a large piece of black construction paper on the underside of the top bunk. Then we made a very dark fort with blankets and crawled inside. I had painted stars with glow paint earlier. I think glow star stickers would have shown up better, but I didn’t have any, just the paint. As I have said, keep it simple and use what you have. However, the kids liked being in the ‘fort’.

I had painted the stars into the shape of the Big Dipper. It’s the easiest of the constellations to talk about. I showed them a real dipper and we compared it to the shape of the stars. We talked about how the stars were created and by whom. We talked about the size of stars. Jack was sure they were very tiny. We held a small rock up to our eye, and it seemed big. We then put it as far away as our arms would stretch, and it was small. I told Maggie, Jack, and Mary that stars were like that, big, but very far away. We discussed why you can’t see stars in the day; they are there, but the sun outshines them.

I didn’t have my usual stack of wonderful books as I hadn’t had good luck at the library. I only had three, and not the best, but we still enjoyed reading them.

Star Crafts for Children

We did two-star crafts. We made a star mobile with construction paper stars and pieces of straw. It was a pattern, so we reviewed the pattern…star, straw, star, straw. We used plastic needles to thread the stars and straws onto the string. That was fun. Maggie liked the activity so much that we made her mobile twice as long. The reason she liked it is that she is learning to use her thumb and forefinger to grab hold of things. It is a new and exciting skill for her, and this activity gave her lots of practice. (Remember, Maggie has cerebral palsy, and doing anything with her hands is challenging.)

Our second craft was called “Stars in a Bottle”. Plastic bottles were filled with mineral oil so the sequins would float. We glued the lids on because I didn’t want mineral oil spills. The star sequins were supposed to float in the mineral oil and sparkle, but they didn’t stay suspended as well as I hoped. It was fun anyway.

We had some shiny stars for a treat (Hershey Kisses) and read our final book. Then it was off to the kitchen so they could make their gingerbread. When I left, they were all busy measuring and stirring.

As I said, we enjoyed reading the few books I had, but I thought it would be nice to give you more options. Because our small library has a limited selection and I often need to order books from other libraries, I am working on getting four weeks’ worth of books. To assure our next few Grandma Activity Days are successful, I talked with Jack. He let me know what he was interested in learning about. Wise grandma! : )

Books About Stars for Children:

• How to Catch a Star by Oliver Jeffers
• The North Star by Peter H. Reynolds
• The Magic School Bus Sees Stars: A Book About Stars by Joanna Cole
• The Stars, 2nd Edition: A New Way to See Them by H.A. Ray
• Fancy Nancy Sees Stars by Jane O’Connor
• Mr. Putter and Tabby See the Stars by Cynthia Rylant
• Little Star by Anthony DeStefano
• Stars Will Still Shine by Cynthia Rylant
• Shining Star by Megan McDonald
• How the Stars Fell into the Sky: A Navajo Legend by Jerrie Oughton
• How Many Stars in the Sky? by Lenny Holt
• Stars by Mary Lyn Ray
• The Big Dipper by Franklyn Branley and Molly
• Stars by Steve Tomecek and Sachiko Yoshikawa.
• Zoo in the Sky: A Book of Animal Constellations by Jacqueline Mitton
• Our Stars by Anne Rockwell
• Star Climbing by Lou Fancher

As I said in the first Learning with Children article, being together as a family, doing something new and interesting, and letting the older kids help the younger kids, leads to great memories and family bonding, even if it doesn’t all go as planned.

So, keep doing it!

Effective Family systems – Tips for success

This week, as I walked with my friends Livia and Alysia, the conversation turned to their teens and the issues surrounding accomplishing things at home. At one point, Livia mentioned the need for successful systems. I told them how interesting the conversation was because I was working on my article for today, and it was about creating systems that work. Life can be so serendipitous. : )

When I began speaking and teaching, I met a woman who became a friend and mentor, Kim Flynn. She was a systems specialist and helped me and other women find time to build businesses and successfully raise a family by using simple and workable systems. At the time, Kim had owned five successful businesses while raising her family. However, long before she began business building, she was learning to use systems successfully in her home.

I spent plenty of time in Kim’s home and with her children. I saw firsthand how well she did the very thing she taught others to do. The drawer you are looking at was in her office. She had never reordered it since it was put together, several years before, because she had a system for its management and consistently used it. It never became a junk or catch-all drawer.

You may be thinking, “That’s all well and good, but I have kids who make chaos of everything”. When I took this photo, Kim had four children, ranging in age from 2 to 11. She included them in her systems, and they learned to respect and value the freedom that systems bring. They had learned that a good system provides more time, order, and peace in a family.

I mentored mothers on parent-child connections for over fifteen years, and this one thing came up over and over again – the need for systems that worked and a family that would use them. Recently, I’ve been thinking about the value of systems. I suspect that’s because I’ve needed a couple of new ones this year.

I use systems for everything. I am a systems guru myself. I’ve been teaching my grands about systems for the last fifteen years that we have shared the same living space. It has saved me from hunting for my scissors, tape, the milk, or butter jar (yes, they get borrowed), and many other things that would engender frustration if I had to look for them all the time.

Years ago, one of the mothers I mentored asked me how I overcame my yelling habit. I wasn’t sure how to answer her at the time, but I gave it some thought. I realized I had developed a simple system. You can’t say, “I’m never going to do such and such again” and think that’s all it takes. Willpower is never enough to bring lasting change. What I did was devise a plan, a system, if you will, for what I was going to do instead of yelling. I came up with something and began using it. It wasn’t easy. It took determination and time, lots of both.

As I thought about the process I used all those years ago, I realized that the hardest part was continuing to use the system once I had figured it out. Yes, consistency was the hardest part. Years ago, I read a piece of research that showed that often, when people find a system that works to resolve a sticky situation, they soon abandon it and return to their old, unsuccessful way of managing. Interesting!

Another problem that can mess with a good system is not enrolling your family. They have no reason to keep the system going. They think it’s for your convenience and have no vested interest. Consequently, eventually there is a mess or a missing item and you must spend extra time to reorganize or find it.

During the time spent in Kim’s home, I noticed that she not only had simple and successful systems, but she had gotten her family to enroll in the systems and, for the most part, they used them successfully. I took notes and want to share them with you.

Tips to Enroll Yourself and Your Family in Simple Systems

Ask enrolling questions
Ask yourself and your family to participate
Let your family know what’s in it for them
Then earn the right to tell, teach, or request anything of them or yourself

Example One – Overcoming Procrastination, Doing The Dishes

a. Ask yourself enrolling questions. Write your response.

How would it feel to have a clean kitchen every morning?
Wouldn’t it feel refreshing to never feel guilty about dishes again?

b. Welcome yourself to participate. Give yourself a pep talk. Write your simple pep talk down. You can put it by your bed to read daily or tape it over the sink. : )

This is an exciting adventure. I’m organizing the kitchen and getting the dishes done daily. I’m having a good time watching myself grow. I’m excited!

c. Let yourself know what’s in it for you. Add it to your pep talk.

When the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean, I am free to spend time with my family. I feel happy and energized. Starting the day without dishes is wildly freeing!

d. Earn the right to ask for this change from yourself. Add this to your pep talk.

I have done a magnificent job organizing my Sunday School class for well over two years now. I know I can organize myself and get the dishes done, just like I do with my Sunday School class.

Once you are enrolled you will have made a firmer commitment to the change. You won’t be perfect, but you’ll be successful. Whenever you find yourself flagging in your efforts, re-enroll yourself. It helps if you read your pep talk daily till you master your new system. If a system involves your family, then see the example below for enrolling them.

Example 2 – Getting Simple Chores Done Before School.

a. Ask enrolling questions.

Would you like to be free to rest, eat a snack, or be with a friend after school?
Can I show you how we could do that?

b. Welcome them to participate.

I appreciate you guys talking with me this morning. I think I have a powerful idea to share with you that you’re going to love. It is going to be so freeing and restful.

c. Let them know what’s in it for them.

The question I have been thinking about is, how we can free up more time in the afternoon to do things we want to do. When we free up time, you’ll be able to lay on the couch and enjoy a snack without having to rush. On some days, you’ll have time to watch a video or engage with your phone. Sometimes you can even have a friend over.

E. Earn the right to make this suggestion.

I have been your mom for over 12 years, and I know a lot about getting things done really fast to make time for rest and fun. I’ve been practicing this for a long time, and I know a lot about it.

Now lay out your plan for how the chores can get done before school time. Then make sure that the rewards happen! (This will work best if you only ask for what can be done in the available time before school. For example – make the bed, put PJs away, dirty clothes in the hamper, and toys in the closet.)

The Point of This Article Is…

To encourage you to experiment with simple systems that will work for your family, systems that you can commit to and enroll your family in. The ultimate reward for this effort is saving time, reduced frustration, living with less chaos, and having more peace. When we don’t implement systems, we live by default. Our system becomes ‘no system’. This prevents a family from functioning as effectively as it could.

Look around. What’s one thing that’s bugging you? (I said ONE thing!) How could you turn it into a simple system? Now, enroll your family in the effort to make the change. They might even have some great input as to what the system could look like.

I have systems for everything – where my glasses are kept, remembering to use my c-pap, managing the dishes, getting to bed on time, managing my mother’s clothes so she knows how to find them, making sure everyone gets the right meds, at the right time, who is in charge of what, where the tape, glue, and scissors are housed, when the laundry gets done and how, garbage management, and the list goes on!

I can promise you, simple systems, used consistently, make a huge difference in your peace of mind and in family management!

Serving and Receiving – Two Sides of the Same Coin

Let me tell you a moving story about my grandpa. My grandmother had passed away, and my grandfather who was in his late eighties, was living with his daughter and fading. I visited him and he was happy to see me. We talked for a while and then I visited with my Aunt Carol Lynn.

Later, I made a trip down the hall to the bathroom. As I got close to the door of the room where my grandpa slept, I heard him crying. I stepped in, laid on the bed beside him, and asked, “Grandpa, what’s the matter?” He looked at me with tear-filled eyes and replied, “Time goes by so fast, I can’t catch it.” Grandpa told me how grateful he was for his life and family, how much the time with them had meant to him. He talked about those he had served and those who had served him. Hence the tears, it was all going by so fast.

His answer surprised me because I always thought that as you grow older time would slow down. Now, I’m almost 75 and I know the truth of his words. I never suspected this when I was young. You can’t know until you get there! This story of my grandfather reminds me of two great gifts life offers, serving and receiving.

In 2012, because of an experience, I decided to be more open to receiving help from others. Trust me when I say my progress has been slow! I’ve always prided myself on my independence, ingenuity, and ability to do whatever needs to be done. I have always felt confident in “doing it myself.” However, it’s a challenge to do everything by yourself, all the time, and you miss out on the other side of the coin, the value that comes from receiving. I’ve had to learn this the hard way.

My inspiration to work on allowing others to share in my burdens came because of two people in my life that I loved, both with significant special needs. One was my unofficially adopted daughter, Michelle, in her thirties, and my granddaughter, Maggie. They both had cerebral palsy. Here is their story and how it affected me.

Two Girls Who Understood Both Sides of the Coin

For my adopted daughter, Michelle, time, and her condition took their toll. She was in a wheelchair, had lost many of her former abilities, and lived in a nursing home. She needed help with most daily activities. She passed away a few years ago and has been missed. Maggie, my granddaughter, who is eighteen, was six in 2012. Maggie can’t use her legs and using her hands is a challenge. She cannot feed herself and does not speak. My special needs girls could do virtually nothing on their own.

At Christmastime I had the privilege of spending a full day with Michelle, in the nursing home, helping her make her Christmas presents. With help, Michelle frosted and decorated the cookies and cupcakes I had baked. I held the item and turned it slowly while she did the frosting. Then I would hold and turn it while she sprinkled the decorations. We then bagged the items.

She made a couple of pies for special friends. Michelle did her best to roll out the pie dough, but pressure was an issue. So, I helped her press down while she rolled. Then I assisted her in grabbing hold of the circle of dough and plopping it into the pan. I cut off the excess and Michelle crimped the edges. We baked them in the nursing home oven. She painted pictures for others. I got water, handed her brushes, and turned the paper to the correct angle periodically.

When Michelle gave out her presents on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day she was pleased. She commented to everyone that she had made them all by herself and was proud. She felt the full joy of having done this project. My helping had not diminished her joy or made her feel less than.

I had observed these same feelings while working with Maggie when she was 6 and now when she is eighteen. It doesn’t seem to matter how much help she needs, when it’s done it belongs to her. She takes complete pride and ownership in a job well done. Both Maggie and Michelle love doing it ‘all by themselves.’

I found myself judging this behavior to some degree, back then. After all, they hadn’t really done it all by themselves. All the while, despite my love for these girls, I was massaging my own pride in my many accomplishments and my ability to be so independent. What I had yet to learn was that help from others doesn’t diminish our part or our success in the result. These two beautiful souls understood both sides of the coin perfectly!

Later, as we entered the new year, 2013, I thought deeply about that holiday season and a scripture came to my mind. “Are we not all beggars”? Mo 4:19 Do we not all need a great deal of help every day to both receive and give good gifts to those around us; serving and receiving – two gifts that go hand in hand. Are we not all beggars? I decided then to practice receiving. As I said, it’s been a journey and not an easy one.

As we enter the new year, it’s valuable to stop and evaluate our lives, the opportunity to raise wonderful families and serve others, neighbors, friends, family, and strangers. But we also need to contemplate the value and necessity of receiving from those same people, our family, neighbors, friends, and sometimes strangers. We can lift, teach, and help, but we can also be taught, served, and have our burdens lightened as long we are open to both gifts – serving and receiving.

For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have…Mo 4:19 Receiving help in any form is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of our humanness and an acknowledgment that serving and receiving are two sides of the same blessed coin.

A Real Life Example

As I finalize this message, it is the last day of January 2025. Yesterday, I came face to face with what I have shared with you today. Since August of 2024, I have had some medical issues. I had an appointment in May, but the situation required help sooner. Next week I will be seeing the specialist. My daughter planned to go with me because I need an advocate, so I am listened to and not seen as just another old lady. However, when we took the only earlier appointment they had, it was a date when Jodie was not available. What to do?

I want you to know this wasn’t the article I planned for today. I had worked on a different article earlier in the week. However, on Thursday, as I sat at the computer and looked at the articles I felt drawn to this piece. I read it and decided to use it. That evening my youngest sister stopped by with two of her grands. They wanted a picture with my mom, the great-grandmother. It came out Jodie couldn’t be with me at my appointment. Nanette said, “Hey, I’ll drive down and go with you. I want that doctor to know you’re a writer, smart, and totally organized!” Then she gave me a big smile.

My immediate reaction was to say, “No, you can’t. You live over an hour away. That’s more than two hours on the road. I’ll be Ok.” My sister replied that she would make a trip out of it. One of her sons and his family live just twenty minutes from me, in fact, in the town where the doctor’s appointment is. I was again going to protest. This was my younger sister and I am fully capable of going alone, asking questions, and advocating for myself. Then I had a thought, “Mary Ann, isn’t it interesting that this is the article you chose to work on for this Sunday?” That took me by surprise. I knew I had been reminded of the goal set back in 2012. Needless to say, Nanette is coming and will be helping me out at this important appointment.

This may be something you need to work on, as I have had to. There’s no glory in doing everything by yourself. There is only a heavier burden and oftentimes, loneliness, as you struggle on. It’s a choice! Learn to receive as well as serve. This is a practice, and you can learn to do it with grace, as did my beautiful girls.

It will bless you, your family, those you serve, and those whom you

allow to serve you.

How Can We Consitently Say – You Are in My Thoughts, You Matter to Me?

I have a short list of thoughts/ideas I’m pondering. This list keeps important objectives at the front of my mind lest I forget. : )

In October I wrote this on the list – “How can I strengthen my relationship with each grandchild and great-grandchild despite age, technology, or distance.” There are impediments of time, finances, the ability to travel, different lifestyles, and beliefs, kids who are adults or teens, and technology, which often gets in the way of real connection.

With the grands I live with, I have been consistently doing things I taught parents over a decade ago – random touch, active listening, smiling, stopping, and looking at them when they’re talking to me. They’re all teens now and crafts, reading aloud, or chasing through the house have ended. Bummer!

Technology, despite texting, can get in the way of real connection. Recently, when I picked her up from school, my 14-year-old granddaughter asked me how I felt about the election, and we had a good conversation. SCORE! Today when I picked her up from school, she shared something that’s coming up in her life that she’s excited about. SCORE! My ten-year-old advice is making a difference in our relationship!

I’ve lived with these grands for over fourteen years, and I miss the fun we had when they were little, and despite their being teens, I want to do something fun with them now. I had an idea last week that I have been mulling over – “This Nov. throw a cookie party. Invite the kids and their friends. Send an invitation and ask them to RSVP. Then set them up to bake and decorate a few kinds of cookies that they take home.” I have decided to follow through on this idea. Their mom, Jodie, when asked, said they might not RSVP. It may be just me. : ) It will be an experiment. However, if it goes off well, it will be a connection moment, a memory maker, and fun. I will let you know how it goes.

Most of my grands live far away and I see them once every two years at our family reunion, which is always a huge success and so much fun. But once every two years isn’t much. I text those with phones and they respond. I ask questions and they answer, but texting isn’t all that fun or meaningful. Phone calls with the adult grands occasionally work, but they’re busy and often on the run. So am I! Nevertheless, I have each name on a list and reach out in one way or another each month.

Phone calls with the younger grands have been a bust even when we use apps that let us see one another. They only connect for a few minutes and then are off. It doesn’t hold their attention long, so we quit doing it a few years ago.

Despite that, my youngest daughter and I have decided to have a face-to-face conversation with her three kids once a month, ages 12, 8, and 5. We know it will be short, but once a month, for five/ten minutes, beats once every two years.

Gifts, although loved by kids, are not the same as connecting no matter how amazing or expensive. I know this from experience. My mom’s parents divorced when she was three. She rarely got to see her biological mom and by the time she was an adult, didn’t want to. However, Grandma Walker sent us gifts every birthday and Christmas. I loved her for it but never saw her until I was an adult, and then only twice. I missed having a relationship. I wish we had talked on the phone or been able to see each other, even if only once every two years. I should have made more effort, but you don’t know what you don’t know.

A few weeks ago, I made a call to my WA. Grands, Grandma Liesl, to see how they make it work. Her husband is a pilot, so they are lucky and can visit a few times a year. She had great reminders for me.

The First Reminder

When I am in WA, I do bed duty. I read a chapter in a book to my three grands and ask two questions – what is the best thing that happened today and what was hard? That leads to interesting if short, conversations. As I thought about it, I realized I could do this on the monthly call we’re instituting. Talking to Liesl got me to visit with Kate about the possibility. As I mentioned, we are returning to a call a month and will take whatever we can get from it, short or long.

The Second Reminder

When I was a mom of seven, I would occasionally write letters to my kids, even when they lived at home. Some of them kept the letters for years. I could say how much and why I loved them, and they could read and reread. I continued to do this when they were grown, until recently.

Since my first grandchild was born, I have sent cards with notes and real letters to all my grands. I would stick a piece of gum inside and became known as the Gum Grandma. Then one of my peers told me nobody cares about cards and letters anymore and I wasted my time and money. I reached out to my readers and got a far different story from them. I kept it up for a few more years.

But technology kept advancing and I worried that this way of connecting had become outdated. For the last year or so I stopped doing it. Liesl reminded me that our mutual grands LOVE my letters and cards. She reminded me that they hang them on their walls. She said, “When I am there, they tell me you’re the Gum Grandma.” I had to laugh because they told me she was the Dancing Grandma. They put on music and dance. : )

Then Liesl shared what one of her adult kids, Curtis, said recently. “When you only send cards and not letters, I can’t reread them.” What, this from a grown man who uses all the available tech? He wants letters from his mom so he can reread them!

I am returning to my retro ways. I’m going to send cards and letters to my CA. Grands, and my CO. Grands and Great-grands. They, like my WA. Grands, care about them, even those who are teens or adults. (P.S. My daughter Kate reminded me to keep the letters short. LOL)

As I pondered this idea of connecting, I had a splendid idea on one of my daily walks. The idea was to include an anecdote from my life, Don’s, or my mother’s life in each card or letter. I know that hearing my stories will bond us over time. This will be meaningful to my family. When I share a school experience I had, some will relate, whether it was happy or sad. If I share a change I made, something scary I dealt with, or how I grew, it will plant a seed for them.

As I mentioned in an article called My Magnificent Birthday Gift on 2-28-21, if we give it all we’ve got as parents or grandparents, learn a little here and a bit more there, and then implement; if we remain consistent and speak kindly to ourselves as we change and grow, then it will be enough. As our children and grands watch us and observe our progress, we will give them a legacy to follow. There isn’t much that we can provide that is more powerful.

As my granddaughter Mary, who is almost 15, said a few years ago and repeated just this month, “Grandma, you and I are alike.” She was telling me about middle school. Then she said, “You were like that too, right grandma.” She remembered a story I told her when she first entered these hard years. Knowing that we are alike has given her heart. As she watches me, it is confirmed to her that if Grandma could manage middle school and remain herself, so can I.

Whether you’re a parent or grandparent, other relative, or friend/neighbor, we all have children we want to connect with. Some are close and others are far away. Some are small, some are teens, and some are adults, but as we saw in Curtis’s comment to his mom, they want to connect with us because they learn from us and feel our love. If you are close or far away from your children or grands find a way to connect consistently, whether the method is old-fashioned or more mainstream. What they take away from your efforts is an example of growth and that they mean something to you!

It will matter. It will say, you are in my thoughts, you are loved, you matter to me!

How to Determine a Successful Activity – Story 1

In the article published on Oct. 13, I told you I LOVE using sparks and that in the coming months, I would share experiences I have had with them that can Spark you with bonding activities for your family.

As promised, here is a spark I followed with two groups of children. However, I want you to notice something else as important as following a spark or igniting one. Often, we let our expectations get in the way of learning and fun. As I said in my book, Becoming A Present Parent, “Keep expectations from getting in the way of enjoying your family…Keep the perfect from becoming the enemy of the good. The point is not what you teach, or how well it looks, but being together while you’re Present.”

Because this article would have been excessively long with both experiences, I have created two articles. Each tells one story, and next week I will tie them together.

Story 1

I befriended a woman in my neighborhood with three daughters and a live-in nephew. The children and I became buddies. I took them to church, visited often, and we had a weekly activity night. They loved it, and I learned things about working with children as we played together.

When I moved away, I stayed connected with the family. Eventually, we were on social media together. They hadn’t forgotten the bond we forged when they were little. In the last couple of years, I have made a graduation cake for Kyle and a quinceañera cake for Daniela.

At the time this activity took place, the kids had been begging to make cookies, the spark. Because these little guys were 7, 4, 4, and 2 and could be a handful, I had been putting it off. Fortunately, I didn’t wait long enough for the spark to die.

During the cookie activity, nothing went as planned. The kids began fighting from the get-go. I sat them down and told them the few rules I have when I cook – no fighting, take turns, and don’t criticize each other. They didn’t hear a word I said, and as we began again, the fighting renewed. I retired to the living room, and as I went, I said, “Call me when you’re ready to cook.” After a good five minutes, they saw I was serious about the fighting and came and got me.

We talked about measuring ingredients – how many ½’s are needed for one cup, etc. We talked about teaspoons and tablespoons. They began measuring, as I reminded them frequently that they were in charge of themselves and not each other. We learned about baking and how to work as a team and get along. : )

By the time we finished, the two-year-old had tasted the shortening, one of the 4-year-olds had been in the flour to her elbow, oatmeal was all over the table, and the other 4-year-old was eating the sugar. Patience! I mentally reminded myself that kids and adults don’t think alike and that fun and learning were the objects here.

Eventually, we rolled balls of dough and flattened them on the pan, except for one of the 4-year-olds. She was creating sculptures. I eventually parceled her dough to everyone else so we could finish baking them. She was not a happy camper.

While the first batch was in the oven, they all deserted me for the living room and their mom, who had company. As I cleaned up the gigantic mess, I kept repeating, “Kids and adults don’t think alike, and it is OK. Kids aren’t concerned with the outcome; the experience is what counts. Adults feel frustrated when they enter a project with adult expectations, and it doesn’t meet those expectations. What kids really want is your time and to know you cared enough to plan.” I felt the frustration going down.

When the first batch finished baking, the kids were back in the kitchen, ready to take them off the pan. Very few made it off in one piece. By the time they were all baked, we had a plate of large crumbs and a kitchen full of happy children. We sang a bunch of songs and ate the crumbs, which they were delighted with. They were excited about the next activity. It was going to be Play-Doh! Yup, the spark I saw as we rolled the cookie balls.

They had tons of messy fun, learned a few things about measuring cups and spoons, and how to work as a team, and felt our bond increase.

The fact that we stuck with the project made it a success for them.

Tune in next week and I will share story 2 and tie them together for you – how can you tell if an activity is successful? : )

Listening and Responding to Children and Their Sparks

My hairdresser, Emily, works out of her home. Most of the kids are in school but she has one little guy who is four and still at home during the day. We have fun conversations.

The last time I was there he brought me two green balloons which he held close together in his hands. He asked me if I knew what they were. I said, “Sure, they’re green balloons.” He laughed and replied, “No they are butt cheeks.” His mom was a bit mortified, but I grinned and told her about a friend of mine and her experience with the whole poop, snot, blood, and butt cheeks thing.

Hana had heard me speak about Sparks and remembered that when we recognize them, we teach, bond, and are Present with our kids, rather than frustrated, embarrassed, or angry at whatever they are doing. Here is the fun email I received from Hana years ago when her boys were still small.

Hi MaryAnn, I just picked up my five books at the library last night. One of the books I picked up is about the human body and burps (lol! yes, two boys in my family) and I was following a spark! Their obsession with bodily functions is hilarious and they are wondering why these things happen! What fun! (funny! is more like it!) Anyways, I will keep you posted! Thanks so much for your wisdom…really and truly. Luvs, Hana

As time went on Hana shared with me what recognizing this spark accomplished in her home with her sons.

She returned to the library and checked out all the interesting books she found on urine, blood, gas, snot, etc.
For a month, her boys were deeply interested and pored over the books with her and with each other.
They talked with her and her husband. They wanted to know how their bodies worked.
They had interesting dinner conversations. LOL
They drew bodies and tracked bodily functions in them. How does a burp go from the top of you to the bottom of you?

When our kids are burping, most of us say, “Stop that, it’s rude,” because we are in a box, so to speak. We can only see the need to teach manners and help our kids not be rude. But once we begin to see differently, we say to ourselves, “Oh my gosh, this is a terrific opportunity.” Isn’t that what you’re looking for as a parent, an opportunity to have joy with your children and to connect with them in fun and interesting ways?

When I told Emily about Hana and her boys she said, “Man, that’s what I need.” LOL I am sure it will help her deal with the green butt cheeks. Gotta love kids!

I have written, spoken, and taught this concept of Sparks to hundreds of parents. Today, I want to review two other enlightening and very different Spark experiences that my friend Leah had with her children. Before going there, let me answer the question, what is a spark?

A Spark is anything a child says or does that lets you know they’re interested in something right now. Often they are the things that bug us or make a mess. : )

EXPERIENCE 1

Leah had dug some dirt in her yard to plant flowers. Before she could get that done the family took a short trip. When they got home, her kids discovered the dirt. They began to play in this spot daily and called it the water game.

They made mud, built cities, created a mine, dug for artifacts, and had a blast all summer. Eventually, there was a four-foot hole in their front yard. You and I might have had a fit and put a stop to all the messy foolishness, but Leah had learned a lot about Presence and Sparks. She went with the flow.

At dinner, they would talk about the water game and all they had done and learned during the day. Mom, Dad, and neighbors would come out and ask what was happening, and the children and their friends were happy to share.

Leah’s family had amazing Present moments together in a situation that could have created serious contention. Instead, the parents saw a Spark and used it to have mini-conversations and a lot of fun with their kids. They valued the relationship over a perfect front yard.

Here’s what Leah had to say:

“I’m so grateful for the shift in my thought process or I would have missed out on an incredibly magical summer (and fall). Now I have a hole so deep they can stand in it to their chests. The crater in my yard will last a few months whereas the memories will last forever.”

STORY 2

Leah had another advantageous Spark moment with her oldest son. He was eight at the time. Miles was in love with rocks and left them all over the house. They were in the dryer, on the floor, in his pockets, everywhere. It was very annoying and frustrating and had become a point of contention between mother and son.

One day Leah realized this was a Spark and an opportunity to get Present with Miles. She asked him, “Miles will you tell me all about your rocks?” He did for the next hour. Leah, like you, had a million other things to do, but she cleared her mind and actively listened.

Later, she helped Miles design a simple system for displaying his precious rocks. The result was that Miles, Leah, and the whole family had many activities and conversations in the following year, all based on Miles’s love of rocks. It was fun and afforded his parents many opportunities to be Present and enjoy their children.

As you can see knowing what interests your kids now, what is sparking them, is powerful!

Here is quick review of how to see and respond to your children’s Sparks.

HOW TO SEE SPARKS

A. Be Present. Do you want to know the number one way to see and hear your child’s Sparks? BE PRESENT. When we’re Present in all the mundane moments of a family’s day, we will see and hear what we’ve missed up until now.

It’s hard to see a Spark if your head is filled with another agenda or you’re totally engrossed in your technology. It’s hard to see if you’re trying to avoid becoming involved or prevent a mess.

You can’t see if you’re so busy working that the Spark appears to be an irritation or problem.

B. Ask good questions. You can jump-start your ability to see your children’s Sparks by asking yourself questions:

What activity do you have to make them stop doing to get them to eat or go to sleep?
What activity are they doing when they seem most engaged and alive?
When they choose what to do on a free afternoon, what activity do they choose?
What did they love to do when they were three years old? Five years old?
What are they currently doing that bugs you?
What do they do that’s making a mess?
What do they collect?

C. Have mini-conversations.

Share your Sparks and they may share theirs
Say “You’re very good at this…”
Say “You seem interested in this…”
Say “This appears to make you happy/excited…”
Ask “Have you ever thought of….”
Say “I had a great day today…”
At dinner ask, “What was the best part of your day?” and have each person share

Notice what comes up over and over again in their answers and their conversations. Pay attention to what interests your children even if it doesn’t interest you. When you do it bonds your family, strengthens your relationships, assists in great conversations and family activities, and helps your kids learn.