Category: Family Activities

Do you HATE Legos!

Payton loves Legos so much he signed a contract

Recently, while mentoring a busy mom, the topic of Legos came up. I laugh because the topic of Legos comes up often. Such an innocuous toy to cause so much trouble.

The problem is that Legos are small and seem to be always underfoot. Many moms and dads reach a point of exasperation and want to pitch them out! I understand because I had kids and they had Legos. My grandkids have Legos.

In 2011, a dear friend of mine, Leah Spencer and her son Miles, co-wrote an article detailing their system for keeping Lego order. I have given it a rewrite and share it again because Miles told what he, his siblings, and cousins learned while playing the Lego Game. It will surprise and delight you.

The Lego Dilemma

Lego’s are my nemesis. We have tried many things to keep a handle on them. We’ve assigned drawers, organizing Legos by color and type. We’ve moved them to nearly every room in our house. We’ve put blankets down every time the Legos were used and then dumped them back into one enormous bucket. I’ve been frustrated but continued to try and balance my boys love for them with my intolerance for them.

Finally, I got a large table for the Legos. It was in a room with plenty of floor space for the kids to create. We only have one rule during Lego play. After they’re finished all Lego’s are to be put on top of the play table or under it.

Time after time they forgot. Finally, I was done. I wasn’t mean; I simply and dramatically put the Legos in a big bucket and stored the bucket away. I didn’t take care to keep any of their detailed structures intact. Tears were streaming down little boy faces as everyone sat and watched. I felt terrible. They felt terrible.

At that moment a scripture came to mind which I shared with the boys. “I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say, but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.” All they had to do was follow my one rule and they would have the freedom to play with the Legos. But when they forgot they had no promise, no reward, no freedom. It was an amazing lesson.

After that tearful incident, something changed inside me. I remembered what I had learned from Mary Ann. The thing that bugs you the most may be the spark that ignites your child. I realized that the boys learned so much through their Lego adventures. I knew that I wanted them to be able to play with the Legos. That’s why I had tried so hard to figure out the best place or best way to store them, how to make them manageable.

I told the kids that if they wanted to reopen the Lego Game, they would each have to write a letter indicating why they liked playing with Legos and vow to keep the one rule. The letters were so cute, and they understood them to be contracts. We reopened the Lego game (as they proudly refer to it). I asked my sweet son Miles (age 9) to write what he is learning from playing with the Legos.

WHAT CHILDREN LEARN FROM LEGOS BY MILES SPENCER

We learn about money – The kids have designed a monetary system with values for gems,
Miles, who co-authored this guest blog, and his Legos

pennies, gold, etc. As a family, we’ve talked about what people did before gold came into society, how money has inflated, etc.
We build structures/infrastructure – I have talked to the children about architecture. I’m trying to inspire them to take the next step and design it on paper before they build it.
We have implemented punishment – They have set up capital punishment! I couldn’t believe it. There are police and arrests made, but if you do something really bad, they have three choices of death! I didn’t even know they knew about capital punishment. But this has caused our family to discuss ethical issues, why it’s important to follow laws, the job of policemen, what it’s like to be in jail, how being obedient is freeing, etc.
We trade, buy, and sell – They trade commodities, put a value on items, share, etc. We’ve briefly discussed capitalism and entrepreneurship.
We have governments and there are rules – They have kings or queens, presidents and VP’s, Lords and ladies. They have had coups and impeachments. As you can imagine there have been many disagreements in Lego Game policy. They have had so much experience in negotiation and compromise. It’s been incredible! I could not teach these types of lessons as well. What fantastic leaders they’re learning to become from these small plastic pieces.
We host live auctions – Eventually, one cousin decided to host an art auction.
We have many jobs in the Lego Game – There are so many different types of jobs their Lego guys apply for. There are firemen, police, mailmen, and so many more. I love that they’re seeing the variety of work that is available.
We use math – Even the three-year-old understands their nicknames – pass me a “twoer” or a “fourby”. They’re learning symmetry.

These are just some lessons my son mentioned and some that I have seen. I know there are more that I don’t see. Every time I describe the things the kids have been doing with the Lego Game people inevitably respond, “My kids would never be that creative!” If the environment is right I think any child left to himself will be more creative than you think.

SUGGESTIONS FOR INSPIRING LEARNING WITH LEGOS

Make it a safe, relaxed environment.
Even a 3-year-old can creatively play with Legos.
Let them play – Don’t do it for them. The 3-year-old comes up with horse and buggy carriages or spaceships on his own
Playing Lego’s is a reward after chores and such. It also acts as an incentive to get up in the morning. They can play Legos until it’s time for breakfast. But if they sleep in there’s no time for Lego’s before breakfast.
It’s their free time stuff and since they learn so much, I could not be more thrilled.
Occasionally be Present. Sit and read in the same room while they play. This gives you an opportunity to see what sparks them and ways that you can inspire them. It’s also just a joy to see what they come up with. It’s a marvelous opportunity to be Present!
Don’t make them take their creations apart every night. Find a way they can keep their city, or whatever they are building put together so they can add on and play again later rather than having to start all over. That is when the real creativity begins. My son said he
The lego shelf to store the boy’s creations for tomorrow

loves the Lego game not only because he enjoys building with his hands, but also because he loves to see his accomplishments when he’s done. He likes to continue to add to it day after day. We leave their structures intact on a shelf.
Allow time. It takes time to get into presidential elections or auctions, etc…. they can’t get much done in 15 minutes. Allow time for Lego play.
Have a huge variety of Lego’s. Buy pieces at yard sales, thrift stores, hand me downs from college kids, etc. Big Lego sets that show you step by step how to put them together are great, but kids lose interest quickly. The creativity is in the maker of the Lego’s not in the child.

I’m inspired and motivated by my children’s ability to learn and their level of creativity. I could have never imagined, and I can barely even think of what we would be missing out on if I hadn’t gotten over my negative thought patterns of “Lego’s are a mess” and “Lego’s are a waste of time”! Thank you, Mary Ann!

Leah Spencer is the mother of three boys and a girl. Miles is now 17. Here are two more articles about the Spencer family that you will enjoy. How being able to see what sparks your child can bring a lot of joy. The Spencer Sparks is all about different learning styles in children.

Give other parents a hand up with their Lego mess by

sharing this article. : )

Rolling Stones, the Fourth of July, and Family Traditions

Happy Fourth of July from Laurel, Montana

I grew up with a rolling stone, my dad. He liked to move and was forever looking for new ideas and new opportunities. He and my mom had nine children but until they hit number 9 they moved around quite a bit. I went to half a dozen grade schools and three high schools. I finished my high school career in a new school, in a new state. Who in the heck does that!!! Well, those were the days when if mom and dad moved ALL the kids moved too.

My husband grew up in the same town, Aurora, CO, all his life. He did live in two homes and that was a BIG move for his family. When we married my rolling stone nature rubbed off I guess and for the first ten years of our married life we moved alot; to college, to work, to college, to work, to college…you get the picture.

Then we moved to Montana and lived in three different homes until we landed in Laurel. That was a turning point for us, and we found ourselves planted for twenty-one years. For me, that was an amazing experience, to be in one place for twenty-one years. I liked the feeling of having roots, of belonging someplace.

Laurel, MT. a railroad town filled with refineries.

Laurel was a small town and while we lived there it grew to 10,000. You could cross it from one side to the other in about five minutes.

There are some real advantages to small town living. One day I got a call from the bank. “Mary Ann, we have a check here from a casino in _______ and we’re pretty sure that you didn’t write it.” My checkbook had been stolen. That call saved me lots of money and frustration.

As a girl, I had never learned how to balance a checkbook. So, one day when I was in a huge mess I visited the bank with a stack of about 12 check registers and asked for some help. The sweet woman that I talked with took my stack of check registers home, balanced the whole thing and then taught me how to do it every month. Cost, exactly zip!!!

I had seven children and they caught lots of illness over the years. Ear infections were common, as were sore throats. I would call my trusty general practitioner (there are no specialists in small towns) and say, “Robert, Marie isn’t feeling well and has a green runny nose. I’m sure she has an ear infection. Will you call something in?” “Sure Mary. You’ve seen enough ear infections to know”. As I said, small town living has its advantages!

Laurel swells from 10,000 to 30,000 on July 4th.

Here’s something else quite unique about this small town. They have a firework display to DIE for. I am not kidding. The Laurel fireworks display is so magnificent that on the Fourth of July the population swells to 30,000 people. This is not an exaggeration! They all want to see the most spectacular fireworks display in the state of Montana. About two weeks before the big day the fire engine rolls through town stopping on every street and the firemen knock on doors collecting money for the display. On the Fourth of July, the firemen stand at the freeway exit into Laurel with black rubber boots and collect money to pay for the show.

Our family loved and really celebrated on the Fourth of July. It became one of our treasured traditions. We would pack up a large cooler of watermelon, fried chicken, potato salad and treats and head to the park at about 2:00 pm. We staked out our space with blankets and then just chilled out while the kids ran all over the park meeting friends, watching the parade and blowing off fireworks. Neighbors and friends would walk by and we’d have a good chat. I loved it.

You’re probably asking yourself, “Good grief, when was this, 1950? How old is this woman anyway!!!” Well, this is how it was right up until we left in 2003, bank, doctor, fireworks and all.

My adult children, half in their 40’s, still talk about those good old days and the 4th of July. One year we all went back to Laurel just to take it in one last time. More recently they all came to our home in Utah and we made a great effort to recreate it.

Traditions, no matter how homely, hold families together. They are the fodder of great reminiscent conversations. Be sure that in all the busyness of life you’re creating some family traditions. When your kids are in their 40’s you will be glad you did!

Happy Fourth of July!

Screen Free for a Month! WHAT?

What if you went Screen-Free, as a family, for a WHOLE MONTH!! Do you think you could do it? Would your family go nuts? Would everyone crack up? Would the fighting increase? Yikes!! A whole month!!

One of the main tips I give to help families connect better and more often, is to manage technology better. Turn off your digital devices, ditch technology – just for a while. Have technology free moments every day. For example, you could have a TV, computer and no phone hour just before bed. When you’re willing to let go of technology for even short amounts of time you will be surprised at how much time you can open up for your family. Finding a few moments each day to turn technology off is a good idea.

A few years ago, I met a family that goes screen-free for a whole month, once a year. I got all the details from the mom, Courtney, and I want to share them with you because I think you will be so impressed that you might consider making this a tradition in your home.

So, what is screen-free you ask? No TV, no movies on TV, no computer time, no games on the phone or TV, no screens!

HOW TO MAKE GOING SCREEN-FREE WORK

Here is how the Smith family makes it work:
1. Prepare your kids ahead of time. This family goes screen free in June, every year. However, one year they didn’t begin talking about it early enough. They usually begin talking about it and making plans about a month in advance. So, for the sake of having a successful Screen-Free Month, they moved it to July that year.

2. Presentation is everything. That’s my phrase and you’ve probably heard me say it before, but it is what they do. They talk it up. They talk about all the great things they’re going to be able to do as a family, how much fun they’re going to have together, and the family reward at the end of the month.

3. Get everyone to buy in. As Courtney was telling me how they get their kids to cooperate I said, “Oh you get them to buy in.” She smiled and said, “Well I didn’t have a term for it but yup, that’s what we do.” They get their kids to buy in by allowing them to pick a reward they would like to have at the end of the month. It could be swimming, camping, eating out, going to the movie theater, visiting grandparents, a road trip, whatever the parents want to throw out there. When the kids pick it, plan it and talk about it – they are IN.

Here is their families one caveat concerning rewards – They don’t use screen time as the reward. They don’t want to reward ‘no screen’ time with ‘screen’ time. : )

4. Parent’s have to be honest! It isn’t the kids who struggle the most, it’s the parents. They really do have to commit. Courtney told me that the hard part for her is at lunch. She usually has lunch when the big kids are at school and her little one is taking a nap. She likes to read Facebook, watch a show, catch up on the news, whatever, as she eats lunch. It’s a challenge to read instead or call a friend.

It is also challenging for her and her husband in the evening when everyone is in bed. They usually veg out a bit in front of the TV, just the two of them but – YIKES – it’s their screen-free month. She told me that they have learned to play games together or read to each other. It’s become really fun.

The one adult caveat – They do occasionally check email, pay bills online or prepare church lessons. Just no screens for entertainment purposes.

5. Plan ahead. Get the games out. Check some great books out of the library. Stock up on popcorn. Know in your mind what you’re going to say to your kids, how are you going to direct them when they come and ask to watch a movie or use technology. Get mentally and physically prepared.

This family goes screen free in the summer months because they feel that in the winter you’re shut in and it’s more difficult to disengage from TV, videos, games, etc. In the summer you can get out, walk, go swimming, go to the mountains, etc.

THE RESULTS

Courtney said that it’s challenging the first few days because it’s a serious transition, but then they settle right in. They have a lot of fun. They play together, they talk, and they laugh. She said that it’s something they all really look forward to each year.

They feel more connected at the end of their Screen-Free Month. It takes a while for screen time to become important to them again. The break feels good – after the first few days. : )

In fact, Courtney shared this with me, “Last time we did it our kids wanted to continue for more than a month! And they hardly ever asked when it would be over.”

So why not consider it and give it a try. You just might find out how much your family likes to read, play games, hike or swim.

Who else out there goes screen free for a day, a week, a month? What is your experience?

Your shares are the best compliment!

Process vs Outcome. Which brings joy?

Recently, I posted a photo on Facebook of my twelve-year-old granddaughter making cupcakes. She has cerebral palsy and so it requires some special accommodation to cook with her. We’ve been cooking together now, for many years.

It’s also coming up on April 2, which is my oldest daughter’s birthday. That recalled to my mind a memory which I wrote about and want to share because the message is timeless and priceless as it applies to creating a relationship with our children and in allowing us to enjoy working and playing with them. Enjoy!

3-18-2010
Three of my grandchildren live just a couple of blocks away. Maggie is almost four and Jack just turned two. Mary is brand new. Maggie has cerebral palsy. Working her arms and legs is a real challenge. These children belong to my oldest daughter, Jodie. Today is her birthday. I had planned to make her a cake and then decided to have Jack and Maggie help me.

My intention was to allow them to experience new things, really help make a cake, and have a lot of fun. I knew that there would be a huge mess, something unexpected might happen and I would be worn out when we were through. That knowledge has come from working with hundreds of children, of all ages.

Because of Maggie’s condition she has a special chair. It isn’t high enough to reach the table, so I put her and the chair on the table. Jack, of course, took his position on one of the kitchen chairs.

I opened the cake mix and allowed each one to pour half of the contents into the bowl. Some made its way to the table top and some to the floor. Next, I filled three measuring cups with liquid, 1 cup water, ¼ cup water, and 1/3 cup water. I helped Maggie get hold of the large cup and pour it into the bowl.

Because this isn’t the first time that I’ve cooked with them I wanted to see if Jack could pour the cup himself so I said, “Pour it in Jack.” He took hold of the 1/3 cup and gently tipped it to one side, onto the table. Ok…he still needs help. So, we tried again with my help.

Next came the eggs. I showed Jack and Maggie how to break one and get the contents out. Woohoo!! Whacking eggs suited Jack just fine. He gave it a whack and voila! egg all over the table. Not to worry. We just picked out the eggshells and scraped the egg into the bowl. Good thing we started with a clean table.

Next, I helped Maggie get hold of her egg and smack it against the cup edge. That was necessary to make it pliable enough for her to squeeze out the contents, and squeeze she did. Some was dripping down the front of her shirt, there was a small stream running down her knee and the rest was oozing out her fingers. We did get all the egg out of the shell, the shell pried out of her little fist and hands wiped clean. Whew!

My sister had come to visit just as we began and was observing what we were doing. As I got a cloth to wipe up the egg mess, Maggie, who was just desperate to “do it herself”, reached down and plunged her arm into the batter. I turned around at that same moment. It was perfect. I took hold of the bowl and said, “Stir Maggie, stir.” She really had a tremendous time stirring that batter. It’s very difficult for her to hold a spoon and when she does, I have to help her. For a 4-year-old that’s so lame. But stirring on your own, now that’s living! I would never have come up with the solution she found. I glad my sister was there because she was able to video that small moment of magnificent success and joy for Maggie. You can see Maggie stir the cake here.

Of course, being unable to control her limbs, her hand and arm went in and out of the batter a couple of times, so we had cake mix on her, Jack and the table. Not to worry, there was enough left to bake!

I put the bowl on the mixer and turned it to stir. Watching them learn to cook was fun. Each time I accelerated the mixer the change in sound would make Maggie jump. She’s very sensitive to sound. I would pat her knee and say, “It’s OK Maggie.” After a few times, Jack reached over, patted her little knee with his smaller hand, and said, “It’s loud.”

Soon the cake was in the oven, all hands were wiped, and the table cleaned. Then I put on Winnie the Pooh and made the frosting myself.

When the cakes were cooled, I invited the kids back in and we got to work. Maggie, like any 4-year-old, wanted to lick the beater. I gave her the rubber spatula instead. She held it in place on her knee, bent her head down low (ah, the flexibility of children) and got busy. For the next half hour, we didn’t see her face once, but we heard lots of smacks and slurps. She cleaned that spatula.

While I was frosting the cake and Maggie was smacking her lips on the spatula, Jack was sucking frosting out of the decorating bag. It was a grand sight, grandma letting her little friends experience new and enjoyable things. There was no nagging about being neat, quiet or being patient. We just did our thing however it happened to happen.

The cake turned out great and I suspect, despite the fact that it didn’t get its full measure of egg, it will taste just fine. On the way home, Jack almost fell asleep. He was totally worn out from a fabulous day at grandma’s house. Maggie cried because she knew we were going home, and it’s so much fun at grandmas!

I shared this cake baking experience with you because there are some important things that I want to point out that will help many of you.

1. When you work with children, no matter the age, your intent, and your expectation really do matter.
This experience with my grandchildren would have been very different if I had worried about keeping my kitchen clean or making sure that everything was in order and done a certain way or trying to keep clothing clean. It wouldn’t have been as much fun if I had said, “Don’t be so messy”, “Don’t spill”, or “Look at your clothes”. You know what I mean. We all do it. That’s because our expectation is that it will be a well-run project, go smoothly, and the end product will be perfect.

2. As we begin to feel the tiredness that comes from working on a project with children, we can begin to feel impatient, frustrated, and possibly, even angry. That’s because we expected to have this perfect time with our kids and it wasn’t perfect, at least not in our eyes.

But let’s think about that. When we work with children whose eyes matter, whose interpretation of what should happen matters. I’ve learned that for most children it isn’t the result that they care about, it’s the process. They like doing. They like experimenting. Sometimes things don’t turn out, cookies are crumbly, plaster of paris is runny, paint is too thick, etc. It doesn’t matter to kids.

3. Is the project, chores or activity about me or the kids? For decades I would go to my children’s school and help children make gingerbread houses. I was VERY well organized, so it was a smooth project. I could help 25-30 kids by myself. But I’m going to be honest here. It went so smoothly because the project was about me and not about the children.

When I first started it mattered to me how the houses looked when they were done. I knew they were going home, and I wanted those parents to be amazed, to see what a great teacher I was. So, when the kids were doing their thing I would go around and make sure that the entire milk carton was covered and that candies were evenly spread on the house. In short, I meddled with everyone’s creation.

As I got older and wiser, I stopped doing that. I made it about the children! I learned that kids don’t always care if the milk carton shows. Sometimes all the candy will be on one side of the roof and nowhere else. I learned that not everyone wants icicles that look like icicles. Some kids would rather do it themselves even if they are just bumps on the side of the house. And you know what; I’ve never talked to a parent yet who didn’t think their child’s house was great, no matter what it looked like.

I suspect that is true for a lot of you if you’re honest. It’s your expectations you think about. It’s your outcome that matters. It isn’t about just being with your kids and letting them learn and enjoy. Be honest.

4. When we’re honest we will approach projects and activities with a different set of expectations and a very different intent.

5. If being Present with our children is our ultimate goal, whether we’re playing, doing chores, homework, or any other activity, we will have a better result.

6. When we’re Present we’re better able to remember this huge difference in adults and children: adults are project driven and kids are process driven.

As we adjust our expectations to include these differences it will increase our enjoyment in working, playing and being with our children.

Your shares are the best compliment! : )

Want to Bond Your Family? READ!

March 4th was the birthday of Dr. Seuss. So of course, that got me thinking about family reading time. I’ve shared the idea that when we read to our children, we create a feeling that kids and teens need and want, that sense of family that feels warm and safe. BUT there are other reasons for reading with our children.

1. Reading as a family is a magnificent way to not only bond and enjoy each other’s company, it’s a way to teach core values without the lecture.

This is especially true when we read classics. And here’s another thing about reading the classics that I find fascinating – they’re worth reading more than once because we learn new things every time. They have some depth to them.

There are classics in each field from history, math, science, literature, the digital age, and even surfing, cycling, dancing, gardening, etc. There are classics for every age group.

One classic that my children loved was The Little Red Hen. Yup, it’s a classic. I know that we think of classics as dry and boring, but they aren’t. Here’s a link to a wonderful list of classic books I put together that kids and families will love.

Now back to the Little Red Hen. A family I know was reading The Little Red Hen together one morning. Then they all went grocery shopping. When they arrived home the car was full of groceries which needed to be carried into the house. Now, normally everyone would scatter off to do the next important thing but not on this day. The classic they had read just that morning had sunk into the hearts of the children. All the children began carrying in groceries without being asked. AMAZING, right!

A mother I attended a class with told this story. She and her boys were reading Little Britches. Set in the early 1900s this story is told from the point of view of a young boy who moves from New Hampshire to Colorado with his family because his father is ill and cannot work the coal mines any longer. Through the eyes of this young boy, we experience the perils and pleasures of ranching life from picnics to hay season, tornadoes to cattle roundups. Some of the main story themes are hard work, honesty, character, perseverance, and the simple life.

While they were reading this book the younger of the boys shared some information about his brother which he knew he shouldn’t share, and which caused his older brother some embarrassment. Later in a private moment, the younger boy said to his mom, “I guess I have taken some of the boards off of my house”, in reference to a comment by Ralph, the lead character in the book. Ralph was referring to doing something that was destroying his house of character.

Reading regularly as a family, from the classics, can be some of the most enduring and meaningful times we have with our kids. One of my daughters who is in her forty’s mentioned how wonderful it was, the way I read to them all the time. Amazing! I really didn’t read to them all the time. I read to them, but it wasn’t consistent. Even so, it had a powerful effect on her.

2. Another reason to read as a family is the shared memories that are forged.

I always anticipated being a grandparent and one of the things that I thought about was reading to my grandchildren. So, I made a plan. The whole experiment turned out pretty well. I had to explain to one family of grandkids, a couple of times, that this was a quiet time, but all in all, it was fun. We read a half dozen one-page stories from a big book that I had. I noticed that they went off to sleep with less noise and quarreling than usual.

When they came the next time, I had picked a couple of books that I thought were more interesting and livelier. Guess what? My 10-year-old granddaughter insisted that we read from the book we used our first time. That book held the memory of that first reading experience. They requested it every time. So, we always had to read at least one story from its pages.

3. Another perk that comes from reading as a family is the terrific conversations you can have together.

When Maggie was nine her school had an assembly and kicked off a month-long reading contest. Everyone wanted to win the contest. Maggie’s class had won the year before and wanted to win again. I was Maggie’s class aid at the time (she has cerebral palsy) and so I was able to observe how it went.

On one day they had five books read to them by participating adults. Some of the readers were very interesting and some read in a monotone and were soooooo boring. Some readers obviously liked what they were reading, and some felt uncomfortable. Some were good readers and some adults stumbled while reading all those rhymey words. The children enjoyed the books even if the readers weren’t comfortable or if they were a bit boring.

But here is what I noticed the most. There was virtually no interaction between the reader and the children, about the content of the books. A couple of the readers said something like this: isn’t that funny, wouldn’t you be scared, or what do you think of that. But these were rhetorical questions because time wasn’t given to the children to answer. If a child did try to answer they were asked to not interrupt so that the reading could go on. This is how most of us read to children. We are all about getting through the material. It’s so adult of us!

But there is a better way! And this better way is what creates that sense of family that can happen during family reading time. Talk about what you are reading. That’s why reading the Little Red Hen was so powerful for one family and why reading Little Britches was powerful for another. They talked about it.

If you need a tutorial on how it looks to have an enjoyable reading conversation with your family check out this article called Creating That Family Feeling.

Take the time on a regular basis to gather your kids around you and read to them. You’ll be glad you did and so will your whole family!

Your Shares are the Best Compliment : )

Are You Withholding the Reward?

You have probably heard the saying ‘begin with the end in mind’. In other words, visualize how you want something to turn out. However, if we want more enjoyment when we do things as a family then we should begin with the WHY in mind.

I love this comment by the motivational speaker Dan Clark: “Begin with the why in mind rather than the end in mind. This allows us to reward effort rather than results.” I love his comment because when adults adopt this attitude we and our kids have more fun and satisfaction in just about everything we do together.

Remember why you’re going for a family drive, why you’re letting the kids help you paint, why you’re making cookies, why you’re folding socks together or why you’re preparing dinner. The purpose of just about everything we do in a family is to build relationships.

Stop worrying about how the cookies taste, how the painting looks, if all the socks got matched, if dinner tasted great, whether there’s a mess, or how long the project takes. Keep your mind focused on relationship building.

As adults, we have motives that can prevent us from rewarding our family’s efforts to work and play together, regardless of the outcome. These motives can make it more difficult to give ourselves a reward just for being together, for enjoying each other, for working on our relationships.

MOTIVE 1—We want the experience and the outcome to match our expectations

When we plan any activity, vacation, chore, etc. with our family it is almost impossible not to have an outcome in mind. However, if the family event doesn’t match that outcome then it’s easy to feel dissatisfied, even angry. It’s important to watch our expectations.

Keep expectations from getting in the way of enjoying your family. Avoid the trap of giving up because, well, what’s the use, what can they possibly be getting out of this? Keep the perfect from becoming the enemy of the good. The point is not what you teach, or how well it looks, but being together. There’s great value in linking your satisfaction to being with your family even when it falls short of your expectations.

MOTIVE 2—We want a reward

In our world, we get rewards for getting stuff done. If the job’s done right, we get bigger rewards. Rewards are what we’re used to.

In our families, the reward isn’t a paycheck but a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of happiness. Frequently, we withhold this reward from ourselves and other family members if what we’re doing doesn’t turn out right, in other words, if it didn’t meet our expectations. We don’t give ourselves the reward for simply engaging with our family and solidifying relationships.

It’s OK to reward ourselves with a sense of satisfaction and happiness even if we fall short of our expectations.

MOTIVE 3—We want others to think well of us

We want to look like the family we have in our mind – kids with clean hands and faces, no bickering, clean plates at dinner, clean rooms, happy conversation in the car…

That family doesn’t even exist but for some reason, we think it does and that if ours isn’t like that we have somehow failed. We want this imaginary family because sometimes our motive when being with our family is to look good to others – to look like that imaginary family. When we have this motive in mind it can suck the joy right out of any family activity with a REAL family

Success in any family endeavor can be measured by how people feel during and after an activity together. Is the family energized? Did you have fun? Did you feel happy being with one another? Was there a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment? Was individual esteem strengthened? Are relationships better? Is the family feeling still strong?

If we can answer yes to even one of those questions then we can reward ourselves because we will have succeeded in WHY we are together as a family – relationships!

When we remember why we do things as a family it’s easier to jettison these common motives and have greater enjoyment as we work and play together.

REAL LIFE EXAMPLE –

Your family gathers at the table for dinner. You notice that one of your children’s hands are filthy and send them to wash. Another child complains that now you all have to wait to say grace because of so and so’s messy hands. The child with the messy hands comes back and gives their sibling a raspberry with their tongue. You intervene, remind them it’s time for grace and pick someone to pray.

During the prayer, the smallest child tips their milk. They should have had hands folded for prayer but they were reaching for a slice of bread. While the family finishes grace you head to the kitchen for a towel.

Both you and your spouse feel a bit frustrated but as you wipe up the milk your husband says, “Guess what I saw today?” One of the children responds with, “What?” “Well, I saw a sign for the circus, it’s coming to town.” There is a round of happy comments and someone says “Can we go?” “Well, we can talk about that at our family meeting. But do you know what my favorite thing was when I went to the circus as a kid, the Kaliope.” Someone responds with “The whatopee. I never heard of that.” And so the conversation goes for the next few minutes. Then your oldest child asks to be excused which starts an avalanche of request to be done.

Quickly you and your husband find yourselves sitting alone at the table. You realize that you are going to have to call those assigned to clean the table back and that you are going to have to argue with the ones assigned to wash and dry. But for now, in this brief moment, you and your husband look at each other and one of you says – “Well that was nice.”

And it was nice. You all sat down together. You ate together. You kept your cool and managed your responses. You had a full five minutes of conversation as a family. No one went away feeling less than. It was a success! Reward yourself with a sense of satisfaction and a happy feeling that you are managing just fine because you are!

COMMENTS? I’d love to hear them!

Your shares are the best compliment!

You Deserve a Reward!

MOTIVE 1—We want the experience and the outcome to match our expectations

When we plan any activity, vacation, chore, etc. with our family it’s almost impossible not to have an outcome in mind. However, if the family event doesn’t match that outcome then it’s easy to feel dissatisfied, even angry. It’s important to watch our expectations.

MOTIVE 2—We want a reward

In our world, we get rewards for getting stuff done. If the job’s done right, we get bigger rewards. Rewards are what we’re used to.

It’s OK to reward ourselves with a sense of satisfaction and happiness even if we fall short of our expectations.

MOTIVE 3—We want others to think well of us

We want to look like the family we have in our mind – kids with clean hands and faces, no bickering, clean plates at dinner, clean rooms, happy conversation in the car…

If we can answer yes to even one of those questions then we can reward ourselves because we will have succeeded in WHY we are together as a family – relationships!

When we remember why we do things as a family it’s easier to jettison these common motives and have greater enjoyment as we work and play together.

REAL-LIFE EXAMPLE –

What is Labor Day: Teach Your Children

When I was a girl I lived in a series of small towns. Just before the start of the new school year, there was a holiday called Labor Day. I had no idea what it was about but I knew it meant school was starting.

In the small towns that I lived in, there was always a big celebration with a parade down Main Street, a BBQ in the park and boring speeches by important people. Over the years, whenever Labor Day rolls around someone in my family would ask, “What is the Labor day holiday for?” and someone else would reply “I think it must have something to do with working or working people”. If a child asked an adult “Why do we celebrate labor day?” they might hear “It’s a day to celebrate how much work it was to bring you into the world and then take care of you”.

I thought it might be interesting to fill you in on what Labor Day is really all about so that when your child asks you, you can give them a real answer and not be a wiseacre! How about an activity or two that you can do as a family to learn about and celebrate the day.

In fact, why not celebrate Labor Day for the whole week with interesting conversation and family activities.

History of Labor Day

Labor Day is celebrated on the first Monday in September. It’s a day dedicated to the everyday worker. This holiday gives tribute to the working class and their contributions to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country. Labor Day became an official national holiday in 1894. This holiday is usually celebrated with summer activities – swimming, camping, picnics, etc. Labor Day is the unofficial end of summer in the Northern part of the U.S. Many schools start sometime just before or just after Labor Day.

Labor Day Activities and Ideas

•This labor day why not have a family program in your living room and show your children what labor you perform in your community. Maybe you are a doctor, a teacher, salesman or nurse. If the timing is right, go on a field trip and show them where you work. You might round out the program by having each person in your family share what it is they think would be the most fun work to do when they grow up. Don’t forget the treats.
•Take some time, at dinner for example, and talk about all the contributions children can and do make. Here are some ideas – Babysit, deliver newspapers, magazines or flyers, walk dogs/care for pets, do yard work, grass cutting, helping a neighbor with chores, do chores in their own home, be a tutor, help out at kids clubs, teach computer skills, volunteer. All of these things are important because they contribute to society – kids do make a difference.
•Make a collage by cutting pictures out of magazines of people doing different kinds of work.

Teaching Children the Importance of Work

Discuss why it’s important to work and what we can learn when we are working:
•Money Management -You quickly learn the value of money when you earn it yourself.
•Time management – You will learn how to manage your time, be organized, and set schedules so you can get your work done and still have time for school and play.
•Responsibility – When you make a commitment to take on work or chores or do volunteer work you have to follow through because people are counting on you.
•Setting Goals – You want that bike? Set the goal and go for it. Work teaches you how to do this.

Labor Day Games and Puzzles

•Make the game Tools of the Trade and then have a family game night and play it. Serve popcorn. Here’s how:
Make cards showing a tool from many different occupations. Use blank index cards) Make two cards for each tool. (hammer, dentist drill, garden rake, semi-truck, a judges hammer, stethoscope, shopping cart, computer, pen, etc. ) Then play the game just as you would Memory. Take turns turning over two cards until a match is found. The person with the most matches is the winner. Part of the fun is in choosing the occupations and then deciding on a tool for each. Kids love making the cards!
•PRINT OFF some super Labor Day Word Search puzzles.

Short Stories for Labor Day

•PRINT OFF some short stories to share each day of the week before Labor Day or the week of Labor Day. Here is just a small sample of what you will find:
The Smithy by P. V. Ramaswami Raju, Indian Fables; Hofus the Stone Cutter, A Japanese Legend from The Riverside Third Reader; Arachine by Josephine Preston Peabody, Old Greek Folk Stories; and The Champion Stone Cutter by Hugh Miller

Labor Day Books to Read to Children

Choose a book about working people and their jobs to read in your family reading time. You can get a description of each book HERE.
A Job for Wittilda by Caralyn Buehner
Bruno the Tailor by Caralyn Buehner
I Want to be a Police Officer by Daniel Liebman
Jobs People Do by Christopher Maynard
Community Helpers from A to Z by Bobbie Kalman
Fireman Small by Wong Herbert Yee
I Want to Be a Teacher by Daniel Liebman
Library Lil by Suzanne Williams
My Daddy is a Soldier by Kirk Hilbrecht
Officer Buckle & Gloria by Peggy Rathmann
Sam Who Never Forgets by Eve Rice
The Gardener by Sarah Stewart
Tortoise Brings the Mail by Dee Lillegard
Walter the Baker by Eric Carle
What Do Authors Do by Eileen Christelow
What Do Illustrators Do? by Eileen Christelow
What is a Community from A to Z? (AlphaBasiCs) by Bobbie Kalman

Holidays are great times to spend time with your children, engage in some interesting conversations, read and establish some family traditions. Labor Day is no exception!

Your ‘shares’ and ‘comments’ are the best compliments. Thank you!

Mary Ann Johnson