Category: Better living and Parenting

A Series of Conversations – Do You Need a Reminder to SMILE

How Can You Remind Yourself to Care for Self?

On my daily worksheet, I have ‘smile’ in the section titled Care for Self. Yup, I must remind myself to check in and see if I have made the effort to smile during some of my busy and often chaotic days. Sorta sounds like your days, doesn’t it, as you wrangle littles or manage teens? : ) Recently, I had a conversation with my friend, Livia. She has an alarm set on her phone that reminds her to smile. Whew, I am not so weird.

The truth is, we need prompts to remind us to do the things that often get left behind in the business of the day. These are like mini systems. I use a daily worksheet, and Livia uses an alarm. It doesn’t matter how you set up your mini system, as long as it works for you.

I do have a few alarms set on my phone to remind me about important things. You know, the things that trump laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking, and so forth. Here are a few of mine: phone a family member, care for the dog, make sure Don took his meds, etc. I also have things on my daily worksheet I want to remember: read, be alone, even if it’s only for five minutes, sing, take a walk, pray, read my truth statements aloud, study, and so forth. I don’t get everything crossed off every day, but the goal is to cross off enough so that I have fed my soul, as I have cared for others.

I use my daily worksheet, Livia uses alarms on her phone, and some people put notes on the bathroom mirror or over the kitchen sink. All these mini systems help us remember to care for ourselves in simple ways. These mini systems help us be more consistent, and consistency yields better results. As you can see from my worksheet and phone alarms, there isn’t anything big on the list. They’re all simple. Small in their scope, but big in accumulated results.

During the coming week, think about the simple, daily things that would bring you inner peace and outer joy. Then find a way to prompt yourself to get them done.

It will help you be healthy, remain more positive, feel less resentment, have greater energy, and feel successful at the end of the day.

A series of Conversations – Get Lost, Herkimer!

I have had this recurring thought in the last five years – “Why are you writing? You aren’t raising kids anymore. You aren’t homeschooling. You’re getting older. Are you even relevant?” Then I get an email from a young mom thanking me for helping her see what she couldn’t see, or from an older mother or grandmother thanking me for reminding her of what she already knew.

A Conversation That Mattered

Once a month, I talk with my friend Joy Petty. I LOVE these calls. They are interesting and resource-filled. Sometimes I share something that helps her, and she does the same for me. We both go away elevated. On one of our recent calls, the subject of how I have been feeling about writing came up. The reason it happened was that Joy said a recent article was just what she needed. She was going to be teaching a class on forms, the old word for systems. Some of what I wrote about systems was helpful to her. I was blown away.

This was the second time in two days I had received a reminder that I am relevant and that my writing blesses others. (One of the truth statements I repeat daily is about how my writing benefits others. Always working on my story.) The night before my call with Joy, I received an email from an old and dear friend, Heidi Totten. We had worked together for a few years, but our paths diverged, and we hadn’t connected for some time. In the email were three words. “I Love This!!” I didn’t even know she still read what I wrote, after all these years.

Joy and Heidi’s words filled my soul with joy. We all want to matter. We all want to make a difference. We all want our mission, whatever it is now, to be of value to someone.

Joy reminded me to write for those who can hear what I have to say, even if the world has changed and many of the younger generation are not yet ready to hear. Joy admonished me, saying, “Our learning, what we have experienced and now understand, matters even if only to one person.” I know this. I am reminded each time someone reaches out to tell me how much what I said has impacted them for the better. Christ always worked with the one. Each person mattered, not just the audience of 5000.

We all have seasons or phases. Right now, mine is loving my family and attending to their needs and writing when I can. Joy reminded me of something I know and have taught. I am in the impact stage of my life, or as it is sometimes called, the grandparent stage. Joy reminded me not to worry, but to put something of value into the world. In time, the younger generations will be ready to hear as they enter a new phase or season of their own. She said, “There is great meaning and purpose to what you are doing. What you’re doing is huge!”

Why am I sharing this conversation with you?

Why would I let you in on one of my weaknesses, occasionally doubting my value in the world? Aren’t I supposed to be the teacher, to have it all together? Well, I am your teacher, and I’m teaching you something important by sharing a real-life example. I know each of you struggles in this same way because we’re all human, imperfect, and prone to doubt ourselves.

I want to help you remember what Joy reminded me. Your imperfect offering is valuable. Possibly, you parent and don’t work outside the home. There are negative vibes about that. Maybe you parent and work outside the home. Hmmm, still negative vibes. Some of your children may have left the path you taught them to walk, whether it’s values, spirituality, work ethic, family traditions, etc. The feeling of failure and being judged is there, causing us to ask ourselves, “Is what I am doing making any difference at all?”

This is a common place to find ourselves. What can we do to step out of this feeling that somehow what we’re doing isn’t valuable, good enough, pertinent, or heard? As Joy and I talked about this, she came up with a most hilarious solution. It is a simple system. LOL She said, “Why don’t you give this thought that reoccurs a name? What about Herkimer? Then, when you have the thought, you can tell Herkimer to get lost.” I LOVED that idea, and I know how to implement it because it’s similar to what I have done for many years, when I have a negative thought about myself.

I decided those thoughts weren’t mine, but from a source that wanted to defeat me. So, whenever a negative thought came into my mind, I would look to the right and say something like this, out loud: “Get Lost. Is that the best you can do? That is a big lie, I am so not that, and so forth. Yes, I would say it out loud, even in the grocery store or wherever I was. People sometimes looked at me funny. I would smile, and the thought would be gone. It worked so well. I LOVED doing it. However, as research has shown, when we have a pattern or system that is working, we sometimes begin using it less. That has happened to me, and this conversation with Joy has gotten me back on track.

This article is about our story, our perception of what we’re bringing to the world. The more we can confirm to ourselves the value of our current mission, the better we will manage it. This is important and matters. When we continually reaffirm that we have a place and a mission that matters, regardless of how imperfect the results may look at the time, we hang on and do better. My current mission isn’t what I planned or thought I would be doing, but it matters, both the caregiving and the writing, even at my age and in my phase of life.

I have decided to return to regularly using what I know works, but now it has a name. : ) I am again taking control of my story about my mission, my purpose, and my value to the world, and how writing fits into that. I hope you will ponder this. Are you embracing an unhelpful story about your mission?

If so, give it a name, and then regularly tell it to GET LOST.

Learning Play – The Nothing Special Day

Back in the day, when my grands were small, I did many learning activities with them. I enjoyed it and so did they. As I mentioned earlier this spring, I’m sharing some of those past learning activities with you because you can have as much enjoyment and fun with your children or grands as I did. Sometimes all we need is an idea, and then we can run with it. So here goes!

I don’t want you to get the idea that Learning Play always requires a lot of thought or special activities. Sometimes you just get together, play, and learn. It doesn’t always require fabulous, well-researched information. There are times when we want to kick back and rest while remaining consistent in our efforts to bond, enjoy, and learn. Then, there are times when an intervening circumstance requires that we do something that takes less planning time.

This activity was motivated by intervening circumstances, and I was tired. : ) I wasn’t going to stress out, but rather, have fun, join in a family activity, and be together. I didn’t do any big planning. I didn’t go to the library for fabulous books. I didn’t research the internet for crafts or projects. I didn’t have a wonderful topic in mind that I wanted to introduce to my grandchildren.

First, We Cook and Then We Paint

On my way to my grandchildren’s home, I picked up a package of biscuits. I thought it would be fun to make cinnamon snakes. When I got there, I announced that we were going to paint and cook. Jack replied, “OK, Grandma. First, we cook and then we paint.” So that is where we began.

There was no reason to make cinnamon snakes. I didn’t have a book on snakes or any intention of learning about snakes. I just knew that the children enjoyed cooking. So, we began our day with cinnamon snakes. I didn’t realize that rolling dough into a snake would take more dexterity than they had. It required practice, and an occasional snake hit the floor. When working with children, be prepared for a bit of dirt in the finished project! LOL

At that time, Don, my husband, was creating an air gun shooting range for himself. He had cut out several small wooden animals for targets. That was our painting project, painting Grandpa’s animals so he could put them in his range.

I gave each child a brush, a large piece of paper, and a wooden animal. We poured the paint right on the paper. When they were done and wanted another animal and a different color, we traded papers. Grandpa was very satisfied with the result. This particular range wouldn’t have his usual perfection, but it had memories and was fun to use.

I had discovered an old book, Where Everyday Things Come From, by Aldren Watson, in my home library. (Available on Amazon) It had no cover and had been read many times by children over the years. The explanations weren’t scientific, and the pictures weren’t precise, just fun. It told, in simple language, that the things we use every day, such as plastic, coal, glass, rubber, and electricity, can come from unexpected sources. The kids enjoyed the book.

I had a coloring page of a darling ladybug. I thought we would review what we had learned earlier when we studied ladybugs. No dice! No one wanted to color or talk about ladybugs. Not even Maggie, who loves coloring pages!

That was it. We had a fun time and enjoyed being together. We helped Grandpa out.

It was a peaceful Learning Play Day.

A Series of conversations – Start Where You Are, Use What You Have, Do What You Can

A few Sundays ago, my husband tuned in to a show my mom likes to watch, Music and the Spoken Word. The episode he pulled up for her was from Jan. 12, 2025.

It was an interesting and thought-provoking 30 minutes, and Don and I had a conversation about it. We had experienced what was shared. Our experiences weren’t as dramatic as the one shared in the program, but they were powerful for us, nonetheless.

Lloyd D. Newell, who was the moderator at the time, began by saying, “Every great thing has a beginning. A business begins with an idea. A piece of art develops from a moment of inspiration. A skill set or talent blossoms from a desire to try something new. Anything great or grand first comes from something small and simple.” I knew what he said was true. I’ve heard this in many seminars and classes and have read it in books. Even more than this, I have lived it.

However, I have also experienced that beginning, taking that first step, can be intimidating. The program and my conversation with Don got me thinking about what I have learned and experienced, both successfully and at times, less successfully. Beginning is a practice. Like riding a bike, you must begin, and then keep going, even if you fall a few times.

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

Arthur Ashe, the first African American winner of the Men’s US Open Championship, shared his thoughts on how to take that first step, how to begin. He said, “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”

It doesn’t seem like that would be enough, but it is. That has been my experience. I have written about the importance and magnificence of small and simple things, done consistently, and the amazing results that come.

Newell shared the story of Sarah Gilbert, whose life exemplified what Arthur Ash shared and what I have lived. Her first step towards a grand goal seemed impossible. In 1851, Sarah wanted to immigrate to America with her family. Her family was large, and their funds were small. There was no way for them to accomplish such a high goal, or so it appeared. Sarah thought about her options, came up with an idea, and then began right where she was, with what she had. She did what she could.

She bought a blind horse and an old wagon. Her husband repaired the wagon and added eight seats to the wagon bed. Each week, Sarah would take paying customers to town to do their shopping. While in town, Sarah would buy simple things she could resell in her small village. Each week, she saved a few pennies. I’m sure when she looked at the jar of savings, it was discouraging, at times. I mean, a few pennies a week. How could this ever get her family to America?

Sarah did eventually get her family to America! It took 27 years. She stuck with her simple system week after week, no matter how discouraging it felt, and, in the end, by small and simple steps, done consistently, she accomplished the impossible. She started where she was. She used what she had, and she did what she could. The result was amazing.

The ideas and dreams we each have require action. We must begin somewhere, even if we aren’t sure how we can make it happen. We must take the first step, where we are, with what we have, and then keep taking steps.

Becoming a successful speaker, teacher, and coach for over a decade began with one small step

When I was five, I decided I wanted to be a speaker. When I was eight, I knew I would write and publish a book. Then I married and raised seven children in Montana. I couldn’t see how any of this could come to pass for me. When I was in my early fifties, we moved to Utah, and I was asked to speak at a homeschool meeting. I didn’t feel competent at that time, even though I had homeschooled my last two children. But I took that step, and ten years later, I was speaking and teaching all over the United States, and I had a published book. All because I was willing to step out and take that first small, scary step.

You Must Start Somewhere

Newell ended the program by sharing this thought – “A simple idea inspires action and action is repeated and improved upon over time, eventually turning into something grand. No great thing can ever be accomplished if you don’t start somewhere.”

This success formula led me to become a speaker and published author. However, even before then, I was using this formula. I wasn’t even aware I was utilizing a success principle. : ) To help raise our seven children in Montana with small means, I taught myself to decorate cakes. I reached out to a woman who was a professional, and she graciously helped me. Then, for over 21 years, I created amazing cakes so my children could have shoes, a new sweater, go on a camping trip, and for one daughter, a trip to Europe in high school. She and I made cakes together and sold them in our neighborhood and church to help fund her trip.

Like Sarah, if you looked at our means, you would have thought it was impossible to do what we did. But we lived the formula, even when we didn’t know we were doing anything important. I began where I was. I had taken a cake class in high school, and that gave me the courage to try. : ) I used what I had, a friend whom I bravely asked for help. I did what I could. I kept learning, practicing, and selling cakes to help care for our family.

Do you have a dream? Is there something you want to accomplish that seems too lofty? Start where you are, use what you have, and do what you can.

You will be successful.

Learning Play – Inventions and Inventors

One day in 2011, I found the most amazing book at the library!!! I happened across it accidentally. It was about Leonardo Da Vinci and the amazing visions he had. But that wasn’t all. The book showed how, in time, all his inventive ideas were created by other people and who those people were. Oh my gosh, I wanted to share this with my grands.

However, it was a book with lots of words and way over their heads. I pondered what to do. My daughter suggested I help them understand what an invention is. Voila, a perfect solution to my dilemma. So that’s what I did.

The Creation Box

We had so much fun. I took my creation box, a cardboard box that I collect junk in – plastic ware, Styrofoam cups, old keys, buttons, wiggly eyes, toilet paper tubes, paper towel tubes, paper clips, popsicle sticks, washers, Styrofoam balls and cones, yarn, whatever comes my way that would otherwise be thrown out. I mean, a grandma (or mom) can use this sort of thing. : )

I began by asking Jack if he knew what an invention was. He said he thought it was a place to go. I told them that an invention was an idea in someone’s head that was then turned into something real. I suggested we look at some inventions. We looked at the pictures in the Leonardo Da Vinci book. I worried they would be bored because it was a bit over their heads, but they loved it! We examined the old drawings and how the actual invention appeared after it was created. I shared that Leonardo had people making his inventions move and work, but that the real inventions used electricity and motors.

Interested in Inventions

We looked at pictures of old TV sets and Philo Farnsworth, the inventor of television. The kids couldn’t believe how different they looked today, and Jack was enthralled with the name Philo. We looked at a book about the Day-Glo brothers and the brilliant paint colors they invented.

The children were excited about all these wonderful inventions. Then I asked them if they would like to make an invention. Oh my, then they were very excited. We sorted through all the items scattered on the table from the creation box and began putting them together. I had brought the hot glue gun with me because I knew, as little as they are, that regular glue wouldn’t work. Because of the ages of my grands, I had to do all the gluing.

Our Super-duper Rocket-propelled Robot

We blew up balloons first because they wanted balloons on their invention. When we began, they didn’t have an idea of what we were making, but as we worked, they finally decided we were creating a robot.

Jack’s “All Alone” Invention

The best part of the day was when a light went on in Jack’s brain. He saw the Styrofoam cone and a long tube. He put the cone on top of the tube and realized he had made a rocket. He was so excited about his own “all alone” invention.

We glued the rocket to our robot. Now we had a rocket-powered robot. It was a fun learning day, and they will remember what an invention is and that they may grow up and invent something themselves.

If you have older children, it would be wonderful to do this project and then study one new inventor each week or month, for the whole summer. There are all kinds of experiments, projects, and crafts that you can do to demonstrate and mimic what the inventors did. Get your older kids off technology and get them thinking. It will improve their summer. : )

Books About Inventions For Kids

The Day-Glo Brothers by Chris Barton
Neo Leo by Gene Barretta
The Boy Who Invented TV by Kathleen Krull
So You Want To Be An Inventor? By Judith St. George – A wonderful book about the traits of inventors, some of which aren’t valued, like daydreaming. : )
Now & Ben: The Modern Inventions of Benjamin Franklin by Gene Barretta
The Kid Who Invented the Popsicle: And Other Surprising Stories about Inventions by Don L. Wulffson
Brainstorm! The Stories of Twenty American Kid Inventors by Tom Tucker
Kids Inventing! A Handbook for Young Inventors by Susan Casey
Girls Think of Everything: Stories of Ingenious Inventions by Women by Catherine Thimmesh
The Kids’ Invention Book (Kids’ Ventures) by Arlene Erlbach

Inventions Made by Kids

Back in 2011, Allan Chu, 17 years old, invented a way to speed up the Internet! He was tired of how slow it could be, so he took matters into his own hands. He invented an algorithm that compresses data and allows information on the internet to be presented much more quickly. An algorithm is a step-by-step mathematical procedure that solves a problem, especially by a computer. Allan entered a math, science, and technology competition and won first place and $3,000! Quite an accomplishment for such a young person!

If you have ever thought about inventing something yourself, you don’t need to be a math and science genius to devise something clever. Have you ever heard of a Popsicle? Well, in 1905, an 11-year-old boy named Frank Epperson invented it. He accidentally left his favorite fruit drink with a stirrer in it outside on the porch overnight. When he awoke, the drink was frozen, and he found a delicious new treat. He went on to patent his idea and is the creator of the Popsicle, Fudgsicle, Creamsicle, and Dreamsicle!

Inventions are worth learning about and fun to make! Give it a try

and have some summer fun.

A series of Conversations – Words and Phrases – Simple Tools to Manage Big Things

I have the opportunity to talk with women of different ages about many things. It’s one of the perks of my life. This summer, I am sharing ‘A Series of Conversations’ – Articles that have come out of conversations with friends. I’m sure they will be what someone needs to hear, as they have been for me.

The information doesn’t come from a place of education or an expert; it comes from women like you and me, with life experience in the trenches.

One of Those Days!

Recently, I had one of those days when I didn’t want to talk with anyone. I was tired and feeling down. I was still carrying the weight of the day before, which was long and chaotic, and the weight of this new day, which would be more of the same. However, on Tuesdays, I walk with my friend Livia. I wanted to cancel but didn’t let myself. I was glad I followed my feelings because my friend, uncharacteristically, was in the same place. We had a good laugh over this unexpected connection. On our walk, we listened to each other, allowed ourselves to feel, and buoyed each other up. It helped us emotionally and mentally prepare for the day and the coming week.

On our walk, we discussed the question we were both dealing with: How do you hang in when things are hard, may stay hard for a while, and may not end as you hope? The answer came in single words and short phrases that have helped us over the years.

Words & Phrases

YET – In our conversation, Livia brought up the word YET. Using this word gives space for thought and growth, and can lead to clarity, and keep us from beating ourselves or others up. For example, “I haven’t learned this yet.” “They haven’t decided yet.” “This isn’t resolved yet.” YET is a powerful word that can help us manage the story we’re telling ourselves and help us have a clearer perspective.

RIGHT NOW – The phrase, Right Now, was the next idea we shared. It can be pivotal when dealing with what you have little control over. For example, “This is what it is for right now.” “Right now, I can do this.” “This is useful to me right now.” “This won’t last forever, but I need a plan for right now.”

As we talked about ‘right now’, we felt this short phrase helped us keep at the forefront of our minds the knowledge that nothing is stagnant, everything grows, and things change, but this is what it is for right now, and we can do it because it won’t stay where it is. Like the word YET, RIGHT NOW helps us manage the story we are carrying and keeps our perspective clearer. Both keep us out of the negative, which is rarely a helpful place to be.

SIMPLE, EASY, FUN, and PRAYER – We are both caregivers, and technology isn’t an issue there. But Livia is a business teacher and life coach, and I am a writer. We use technology, and it keeps changing, like everything else. For example, I know how to use my writing platform right now, but… We did a lot of laughing at this point in the conversation because we both have wanted to bang on our computers or throw our phones against the wall. Here again, the words YET and RIGHT NOW are useful.

When I am in tech trouble, I pray because I know I will see or think of something I have missed. It happens EVERY TIME! It always amazes me when I work something out and don’t even know for sure what I did. Livia told me that when tech is making her crazy, she has a simple mantra she repeats to herself to maintain calm and peaceful while figuring it out: “This is simple, this is easy, this is fun.” She said, “It helps keep the lid on my frustration.” I’ve been giving this a try, and it is helpful, like prayer.

HEARTS- I received a gift from Livia. It isn’t as much about words as it is about looking for the good and seeing the blessings. Years ago, Livia began noticing hearts everywhere. As she and I have walked together over the last year, she has taught me to see them. She says they are her moment-by-moment messages from God, that she is seen, loved, and cared for.

I’ve been looking for hearts for some time now. Recently, I saw a perfect heart in the clouds. There was a bright blue patch, surrounded by clouds, in the shape of a heart. I couldn’t pull over to take a photo, but I had seen it. It had been one of those busy, chaotic mornings, and seeing the heart helped me breathe and smile.

One day, as I pushed my mom’s wheelchair down the street, something I didn’t have time for, but she needed, I saw a perfect heart in a bush. What! How can that be? But there it was, a gift from God for taking time to care for and love another despite my list. Both Livia and I ask to see hearts when we need to lift our spirits, change our perspective, or improve our story. It has become a practice for me, as it has been for Livia for years.

Words Matter!

Life has its hard moments, its hard weeks, months, and sometimes, years. We are often called on missions we didn’t plan on. Sometimes, we need to change course when we would rather not. Things don’t always go our way. But we can use the word YET, the phrase RIGHT NOW, to manage hard things, like technology, by remembering PRAYER, SIMPLE, EASY, and FUN, and look for HEARTS to help us stay centered, happy, and hopeful; a few simple tools to manage big things.

As we practice keeping our perspective clear, as we work on telling ourselves more helpful stories, we can and will live better, more fulfilling lives.

Words matter! They do. Ultimately, all we can control or change is ourselves. We do that best when we find ways (systems) that help us manage the story we tell ourselves, when we keep a handle on our perspective, and as Livia put it, “Keep a lid on frustration.” Staying on top of what we tell ourselves is a practice, and as we get better and more consistent at doing it, life lightens up, even when the circumstances stay the same. This isn’t resolved YET. It is what it is RIGHT NOW. I can manage technology and other hard things as I keep it SIMPLE, believe in EASY, look for the FUN, and see HEARTS. Messages of love, hope, and change are everywhere. : )

These words and phrases are simple tools to manage big things.

Do You Yell? Become a Student Learning to be Calm

Two weeks ago, in the article Effective Family Systems, I mentioned I overcame yelling by devising a simple system. It worked, but it took ten years of practice. That’s a long time, but I had few resources. We didn’t have computers when I began the process; that left books, if you knew what to read, or friends, if you had any who weren’t also yelling. Fortunately, I had one of those, and she gave me great ideas.

It’s been over three decades since I stopped yelling, so it was worth the time it took to get a handle on it. That isn’t to say that I don’t occasionally lose it. Of course, I do, because I’m human. However, yelling is no longer my go-to method for handling problems.

This topic of remaining in control of our responses to deal better with family issues came up frequently when I was mentoring mothers and fathers. Recently, while rereading articles I had written years ago, I ran across one with a note I received from a mom who wondered how to do what I had done. Here’s what she asked:

“I wanted to thank you again for a great class. I wondered if you could tell me more about the yelling you used to do. I grew up in that type of household, and swore I would never be like that… but guess what, I do? I’d love to hear how you mastered that part of your life. I didn’t do it when I only had 1 or 2 children and they were little. But the more children that came and the older they got, the more I slipped into it. Do you mind sharing what helped you?”

I answered her privately, and we had several wonderful conversations. She found it helpful, and I knew it could benefit others. So, in May of 2011, right around Mother’s Day, I published what I had learned and practiced, and what I shared with her. This was a perfect topic for a day that is hard for many women because they aren’t perfect in this arena. I was one of those back in the yelling days.

What I shared with this sincere mother in 2011 is worth sharing again in 2025 because we have new moms, older mothers, and grandmothers who still struggle with using yelling to deal with family problems. So here goes. Enjoy, learn, and if needed, implement.

How to Stop Yelling – Ten Tips

After reading this mother’s note, does it remind you of you? I’ve received several emails like the one above. Many of us have a difficult time working out our frustration without yelling at our children. I’m certainly no expert on this. However, I used to yell and now I don’t. I can share some things that helped me get a handle on my ability to respond more calmly in the face of frustration and even anger.

1. You can’t just say you’re going to stop yelling. You must have a mental plan about what to do instead. You can’t replace something with nothing. This was the beginning of my simple system.

2. Be sure you’re not secretly frustrated or angry at your husband. When we don’t deal with the sticky parts of our marriage relationship, it can cause anger and resentment. Being in this state, even if you aren’t consciously aware of it, can lead to yelling at your children, because it’s safer and easier than yelling at a spouse. I’ve read this in books, and it was taught in a class I attended many years after I conquered my yelling habit. Your marriage relationship will affect how you manage your children.

3. See your children as people, not as problems, interruptions, etc. See them as people with needs. For example, when my 3-year-old grandson was being a pill, his mom would stop, get down to his level, and say, “What’s wrong, little son?” When I watched her, I knew she was ticked off, but chose to respond in a kind and respectful way. It’s part of her system for managing frustration. It’s a decision she has made and practices. She knows if her kids are crying, misbehaving, hitting, fighting, etc., there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. Although it isn’t easy, it has become a habit for her, and she does it most of the time.

4. Practice being present. Parents who are present are better able to STOP and look at a situation and see it for what it is. The better we focus on another person and not on our need to ‘move on’ to the next thing, the better we can handle frustration, disappointment, and anger. P.S. Being engrossed in technology can be a real issue. So, STOP using it, put it down, turn away, and focus on your child.

5. Learn to manage stress. There are as many ways to do this as there are people, and you could fill a library with the books written on the subject. I’ve written several articles on this topic. I used to take hot baths at night and read. I outgrew that stress reliever. Now I shower and pray because I can fit that in, and a bath requires more time than I can give. I also utilize mini meditations that I learned from the book “Eight Minute Meditation” by Victor Davich. Very helpful.

6. Get enough sleep and eat right. Moms really mess this one up. We stay up late trying to get it all done or give ourselves alone time, and then struggle to manage our frustration the next day because we’re tired. Get on a reasonable sleep schedule. Our patience is more easily strained when we aren’t. We also eat over the sink, in the car, anywhere but at the table, sitting down and resting. Learn to eat sitting down, even if you only get five minutes.

7. Stop over-scheduling yourself and your family. Simplify your life.

8. Pray. I consider this the most important point of all! Prayer is the best medicine for anger and yelling. You can feel peace, a greater desire to be kind, and a sense of hope that you can become calm and collected most of the time.

9. Believe that you can be a calm person. What we believe is much easier to accomplish. It took me many years to believe that I could change, that yelling wasn’t in my blood, or that it wasn’t how we Cazier’s handled things. Today, I have an affirmation I say daily to help me ‘believe’ that what I want is what I can be or have.

10. Focus on when you do well. What we focus on, we get more of. When you fall off the wagon and yell, say you’re sorry, forgive yourself, and move on; stop ruminating over it, telling others about it, berating yourself, or beating yourself up for failing. Stop cementing in your mind that you are a “yeller”. What you are is a student learning to be calm. Focus on that!

Overcoming a ‘way of being’ takes effort and time. It’s facilitated as you determine what to do or how to be, instead. A system, knowing the consistent steps to take, will help you be successful.

Learning Play – The Circus

Four of the finest clowns
in our fair city!

The Circus is in town!! Back in the 50s, that news brought a shiver to my spine and a smile to my face. I loved going to the circus. It was held outside in a large tent every year. There were elephants, trapeze artists, and lions being tamed. Everything smelled of sawdust, cotton candy, peanuts, and candied apples. It was an exciting event!

As I grew older, the circus changed. Long gone was the tent, replaced by huge arenas in large buildings. They seemed to come around less often. Children didn’t know as much about them, and they weren’t a yearly, long-awaited event that the whole town looked forward to.

I didn’t think any grandchildren I lived near had ever been to a circus. WOW! At the library, I found a couple of books and decided we would study circuses and then have one of our own.

What happens at a circus?

Who comes, who performs, do you eat anything, what in the world is a clown? These were questions we were going to answer in grandma school.

When I arrived at my grandchildren’s home (before we began sharing the same living space), Mary, who was 2, reached me first. That was usually the case because she loves immersive learning. She wanted to know what was in my orange basket! She delighted in pulling everything out. She found large glasses, boas, bow ties, and makeup. She was excited about all of it, but the boas. Mary was afraid of the feathers. (Years later, we got chickens, and she was the one who could catch them. Her fear of feathers was gone.)

Keep your materials simple

We began the day by looking at pictures of clowns and talking about who they are and what they do. They are funny, do tricks, and like to make people laugh. We decided to be clowns for the day. Out came the white face paint and lipstick. The white face paint was Halloween makeup I bought many years ago. It worked well enough. For red, we used what grandma had, lipstick. As I say, keep it simple. Then we tried on all the glasses, boas, ties, and other costume items. Jack fell in love with a hat and a bow tie. He asked me if he could have them. I said he could surely borrow them. “I don’t like borrow” he said, “I want to have them!” LOL

I hadn’t found many books about the circus at our small library, so I ordered some from other libraries. I never got them picked up before our circus day. That’s how it is in real life, sometimes we are on it and sometimes we aren’t! We managed with what we had, and I made a circus book. I found a terrific site of circus pictures, printed them off, and put them into a binder. (Jack, Mary, and Maggie used it until it fell apart.) It also made a great circus coloring book.

We looked at the pictures and discussed what was happening in each one, and if we would like to do that trick.

What We Did in Our Circus

1. Did you know that in some circus acts, they have dogs that dress up and do tricks? Well, Maggie, Jack, and Mary have a dog. We dressed him up to see if he could do a trick. He did! He peed on the floor from fright. We let him go and went on with our circus without him. It’s a good thing we still had clowns, us. : )
2. We decided to walk a tightrope. We used a rake handle for our tightrope. (The rake head helped the stick not roll.) The children loved walking the tight rope and did a good job. They were real performers.
3. We also decided to learn to juggle; throw one ball up, try to catch it, and run after it. Up, try to catch it, run after it. Then we tried two balls. We weren’t good, but it was fun.
4. We talked about what you eat at the circus, and then we ate popcorn and cotton candy. The cotton candy was a hit because none of the kids had ever had any. Mom had those hyped up kids for the rest of the day. Thank you, Grandma! : )

We ended our day sitting quietly and reading about a little bunny who went to the circus and billed his mom as the Meanest Mother on Earth! It was a funny book and a very fun day.

Later, the family watched Toby Tyler: Or Ten Weeks with a Circus. (I loved it as a kid, and their family did too!)

If you have mixed ages, including older children, then check out the non-fiction books. They could make a circus out of paper, draw a circus, or do some serious face painting. They could make a circus scene in a shoe box. Your older kids might like putting a family circus together with more acrobatic acts, bike riding, etc.

Books, Books, Books

Short picture books about the Circus for kids:

Secret Circus by Johanna Wright
Sidewalk Circus by Paul Fleischman
Circus 1-2-3 by Megan Halsey
Sing a Song of Circus by Ward Schumaker
Peter Spier’s Circus by Peter Spier
The Twelve Circus Rings by Chwast Seymour
The Midnight Circus by Peter Collington

Picture books with longer stories about the circus:

Clown of God by Tomie DePaola- This is where we got our idea for our clown makeup. A very touching book, my grandchildren loved.
The Day the Circus Came to Town by Melody Carlson – A story about making your own decisions and not being influenced by friends.
Little Rabbit and the Meanest Mother on Earth by Kate Klise – Find out what happens when you don’t clean your playroom!
Circus Ship by Chris Van Dusen
To The Big Top by Jill Esbaum
Dimity Dumpty: The Story of Humpty’s Little sister by Bob Graham
Tree Ring Circus by Adam Rex
Last Night I Dreamed a Circus by Maya Gottfried
Madeline and the Gypsies by Ludwig Bemelmans
If I Ran the Circus by Dr Seuss

Circus Easy Readers:

Circus Fun by Margaret Hillert
Hurry Up! by Carol Murray
Sawdust and Spangles: The Amazing Life of W.C. Coup by Ralph Covert
World’s Greatest Elephant by Ralph Helfer
Sara Joins the Circus by Thera Callahan
Millicent the Magnificent by Alice Bach – Millicent is a charming story that will help children appreciate the wonders of classical music.
C is for Clown by Stan Berenstain
Circus of the Wolves by Jack Bushnell

Circus Non-fiction books:

Juggler by Caroline Arnold
Parades by Eugene Baker
Face Painting by Clare Beaton
Jumbo by Rhoda Blumberg
Let’s Be Circus Animals by Kathy Christensen
Let’s Be Circus Stars by Kathy Christensen
How to Draw the Circus by Pamela Johnson
Circus Time: How to Put on Your Own Show by Connie Klayer
Horses in the Circus Ring by Lynn Saville
What Happens at the Circus by Arthur Shay
Clowning Around: Jokes About the Circus by Rick Walton
Paper Circus: How to Create Your Own Circus by Robin West
The Great and Only Barnum by Candace Fleming – Perfectly captures the spirit of an era, the spirit of the circus, and the spirit of P. T. Barnum himself.

For older children

Circus Junior Fiction:

Travelers By Night by Vivien Alcock
Great American Elephant Chase by Gillian Cross
The Secret Elephant of Harlan Kooter by Dean Harvey
Jelly’s Circus by Dean Hughes
The Runaway Clown by Lois Johnson
Toby Tyler: or Ten Weeks With a Circus by James Otis
Tybee Trimble’s Hard Times by Lila Perl
Incredible Jumbo: A Novel by Barbara Smucker
Miss Know It All and the Three-Ring Circus by Carol Beach York

Our immersive learning was fun, and a few years later, they got to a real circus, and were prepared. When we help children by immersing them in the learning, they have a ball, and it stays with them. You can’t and won’t do this all the time, but what if you did something like this once a month for a family activity? Aside from having a ton of fun, you will build great memories and help children love learning.

It’s worth the effort and time.

Effective Family systems – Tips for success

This week, as I walked with my friends Livia and Alysia, the conversation turned to their teens and the issues surrounding accomplishing things at home. At one point, Livia mentioned the need for successful systems. I told them how interesting the conversation was because I was working on my article for today, and it was about creating systems that work. Life can be so serendipitous. : )

When I began speaking and teaching, I met a woman who became a friend and mentor, Kim Flynn. She was a systems specialist and helped me and other women find time to build businesses and successfully raise a family by using simple and workable systems. At the time, Kim had owned five successful businesses while raising her family. However, long before she began business building, she was learning to use systems successfully in her home.

I spent plenty of time in Kim’s home and with her children. I saw firsthand how well she did the very thing she taught others to do. The drawer you are looking at was in her office. She had never reordered it since it was put together, several years before, because she had a system for its management and consistently used it. It never became a junk or catch-all drawer.

You may be thinking, “That’s all well and good, but I have kids who make chaos of everything”. When I took this photo, Kim had four children, ranging in age from 2 to 11. She included them in her systems, and they learned to respect and value the freedom that systems bring. They had learned that a good system provides more time, order, and peace in a family.

I mentored mothers on parent-child connections for over fifteen years, and this one thing came up over and over again – the need for systems that worked and a family that would use them. Recently, I’ve been thinking about the value of systems. I suspect that’s because I’ve needed a couple of new ones this year.

I use systems for everything. I am a systems guru myself. I’ve been teaching my grands about systems for the last fifteen years that we have shared the same living space. It has saved me from hunting for my scissors, tape, the milk, or butter jar (yes, they get borrowed), and many other things that would engender frustration if I had to look for them all the time.

Years ago, one of the mothers I mentored asked me how I overcame my yelling habit. I wasn’t sure how to answer her at the time, but I gave it some thought. I realized I had developed a simple system. You can’t say, “I’m never going to do such and such again” and think that’s all it takes. Willpower is never enough to bring lasting change. What I did was devise a plan, a system, if you will, for what I was going to do instead of yelling. I came up with something and began using it. It wasn’t easy. It took determination and time, lots of both.

As I thought about the process I used all those years ago, I realized that the hardest part was continuing to use the system once I had figured it out. Yes, consistency was the hardest part. Years ago, I read a piece of research that showed that often, when people find a system that works to resolve a sticky situation, they soon abandon it and return to their old, unsuccessful way of managing. Interesting!

Another problem that can mess with a good system is not enrolling your family. They have no reason to keep the system going. They think it’s for your convenience and have no vested interest. Consequently, eventually there is a mess or a missing item and you must spend extra time to reorganize or find it.

During the time spent in Kim’s home, I noticed that she not only had simple and successful systems, but she had gotten her family to enroll in the systems and, for the most part, they used them successfully. I took notes and want to share them with you.

Tips to Enroll Yourself and Your Family in Simple Systems

Ask enrolling questions
Ask yourself and your family to participate
Let your family know what’s in it for them
Then earn the right to tell, teach, or request anything of them or yourself

Example One – Overcoming Procrastination, Doing The Dishes

a. Ask yourself enrolling questions. Write your response.

How would it feel to have a clean kitchen every morning?
Wouldn’t it feel refreshing to never feel guilty about dishes again?

b. Welcome yourself to participate. Give yourself a pep talk. Write your simple pep talk down. You can put it by your bed to read daily or tape it over the sink. : )

This is an exciting adventure. I’m organizing the kitchen and getting the dishes done daily. I’m having a good time watching myself grow. I’m excited!

c. Let yourself know what’s in it for you. Add it to your pep talk.

When the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean, I am free to spend time with my family. I feel happy and energized. Starting the day without dishes is wildly freeing!

d. Earn the right to ask for this change from yourself. Add this to your pep talk.

I have done a magnificent job organizing my Sunday School class for well over two years now. I know I can organize myself and get the dishes done, just like I do with my Sunday School class.

Once you are enrolled you will have made a firmer commitment to the change. You won’t be perfect, but you’ll be successful. Whenever you find yourself flagging in your efforts, re-enroll yourself. It helps if you read your pep talk daily till you master your new system. If a system involves your family, then see the example below for enrolling them.

Example 2 – Getting Simple Chores Done Before School.

a. Ask enrolling questions.

Would you like to be free to rest, eat a snack, or be with a friend after school?
Can I show you how we could do that?

b. Welcome them to participate.

I appreciate you guys talking with me this morning. I think I have a powerful idea to share with you that you’re going to love. It is going to be so freeing and restful.

c. Let them know what’s in it for them.

The question I have been thinking about is, how we can free up more time in the afternoon to do things we want to do. When we free up time, you’ll be able to lay on the couch and enjoy a snack without having to rush. On some days, you’ll have time to watch a video or engage with your phone. Sometimes you can even have a friend over.

E. Earn the right to make this suggestion.

I have been your mom for over 12 years, and I know a lot about getting things done really fast to make time for rest and fun. I’ve been practicing this for a long time, and I know a lot about it.

Now lay out your plan for how the chores can get done before school time. Then make sure that the rewards happen! (This will work best if you only ask for what can be done in the available time before school. For example – make the bed, put PJs away, dirty clothes in the hamper, and toys in the closet.)

The Point of This Article Is…

To encourage you to experiment with simple systems that will work for your family, systems that you can commit to and enroll your family in. The ultimate reward for this effort is saving time, reduced frustration, living with less chaos, and having more peace. When we don’t implement systems, we live by default. Our system becomes ‘no system’. This prevents a family from functioning as effectively as it could.

Look around. What’s one thing that’s bugging you? (I said ONE thing!) How could you turn it into a simple system? Now, enroll your family in the effort to make the change. They might even have some great input as to what the system could look like.

I have systems for everything – where my glasses are kept, remembering to use my c-pap, managing the dishes, getting to bed on time, managing my mother’s clothes so she knows how to find them, making sure everyone gets the right meds, at the right time, who is in charge of what, where the tape, glue, and scissors are housed, when the laundry gets done and how, garbage management, and the list goes on!

I can promise you, simple systems, used consistently, make a huge difference in your peace of mind and in family management!

An Example That Will Bless Our Children

This week, I began cleaning the top shelves that encircle my living room and the two bedrooms. It’s a big job, requires a ladder, and the accumulated dust is incredible. I only do this once a year.

As I dusted the books, I thought: “One day I will be sitting at the table reading all these wonderful books, learning so much. It’s going to be amazing.” I was thinking about the years between ninety and one hundred, yes, I plan to be around that long and won’t be alone until then. LOL I wouldn’t be caregiving, going to lots of doctors’ appointments, or running grands to and fro. So, it stands to reason that I would have more time for what I have always loved, learning.

However, waiting until I am in my nineties to do something that I know is valuable today is silly. Then I recalled my daily affirmation/commitments that I read every morning without fail. Here is a new statement for 2025: “I read, study, and write daily. As I fill my mind with truth and knowledge, my soul expands, my wisdom increases, and I am blessing others.”

The truth is, I am not waiting until I can sit uninterrupted to learn, grow, and share with others. I am doing it now, amid the chaos of a four-generation home, caregiving, and a busy life. This is something we can all do.

An Example

I worked with a mom who pushed her kids to learn. She was after them all the time. It became harder and harder for all of them. I asked her why she felt desperate and pushed her kids so hard. Here is what she shared. She believed she had wasted a lot of her childhood not learning. She left high school with mediocre grades. She hadn’t read many books. She felt uneducated. She was determined to save her kids from her fate. Yet for all her good intentions, she was having a daily fight with her two oldest children.

Here is what I know about this woman. She is intelligent and talented. She runs her own successful business. Her home is clean and orderly. Her children are learning, active in sports, music, and socially. She has a growing marriage relationship. This mother began homeschooling in hopes of helping her children feel smarter and more accomplished than she felt. She was getting the same results she had seen when they were in public education.

This woman felt like a failure because of what she believed about her past. She has felt for decades that she isn’t smart. However, all she has accomplished in the present belies that story. Many adults share this woman’s experience. I homeschooled my last two, but Kate has always felt uneducated. So, this isn’t about what educational system we choose. It’s about how we view learning, our families, and our own.

Do we make time for learning?
Do we give our children an example of someone who values growing and changing?
Do we read?
Do we read to our kids? Family reading can be life-changing.
Do we allocate time to share what we learn with each other?
Are books and audiobooks available?

You Do It First!

One of the best ways to help our children love learning and make it a part of their lives is for us to do it first; to be an example of the power of learning and growing.

I suggested to this devoted mother that she begin learning and let her children see her doing it; begin trusting that she is smart and can learn. I suggested she read for herself and to her family, and that they have dinner conversations about ideas and thoughts. I told her it would be wise to read what her kids read and discuss those books. I suggested that she read an occasional hard book and then tell her children about the Ahas she has. What about letting them see you taking notes? Maybe have a family book club if your kids are adults. In short, model a love of learning and how you are growing and changing because of it.

Everyone must learn to love growth. We do that personally by reading, studying, conversing about what we are learning, and sometimes, being mentored. We help build this love in our children by modeling it for them.

Ways to Model Learning and Growth

Don’t wait for the chaos to leave; find ways now. Put a book in the bathroom and read one paragraph whenever you go in that room. It may not feel like much, but I promise you will read more than you think possible, and you will bless the lives of your children and eventually your grandchildren.
Listen to audiobooks.
Have mini conversations and dinner conversations. This is facilitated when we have something to share, ask good questions, and eat together occasionally. : )
Have books available. I read things way above my level when I was a girl because my father returned to college when he had nine children. The books were everywhere, so I read them. I didn’t understand much, but enough to keep me interested.

My children have commented as adults that my continued growth has helped them do the same. I am merely sharing what I have experienced as a youth, a mother, and now as a grandmother. Think about this. What interests you? What do you want to know more about? What could you read that sounds interesting right here, at home, right now? Be brave and begin.

Anyone Can Have an Enlarged Perspective

Last fall, on a walk with a friend, Livia asked me how I got such an enlarged perspective growing up in the era I did. It is because my parents were learners. My mom sang, led music, and taught classes in church and her craft store. My dad was a reader and always had books lying around. He talked with many people. They were both open to learning.

I married a man who isn’t a reader. I read to him and help him listen to talks and podcasts. His greatest gift is his ability to connect with people. He is full of questions and learns a great deal as he listens. This comes naturally for him, but I have to work on it. : )

While looking at old cards and letters, I found something I had written to Don early in our parenting, probably in our forties– “…the better able you are to communicate with deity and others, the more the turmoil dies down like a boiling pot being stirred. It’s still boiling, the turmoil and need to change are still there, but the stirring keeps it from boiling over or becoming more than is bearable.”

This is what our continuing education helps us with – perspective and keeping the pot from boiling over.

Don’t put your learning and growth on hold for a more convenient or quiet time. It can be done at home, in small moments now, and shared with those you love.