Two weeks ago, in the article Effective Family Systems, I mentioned I overcame yelling by devising a simple system. It worked, but it took ten years of practice. That’s a long time, but I had few resources. We didn’t have computers when I began the process; that left books, if you knew what to read, or friends, if you had any who weren’t also yelling. Fortunately, I had one of those, and she gave me great ideas.
It’s been over three decades since I stopped yelling, so it was worth the time it took to get a handle on it. That isn’t to say that I don’t occasionally lose it. Of course, I do, because I’m human. However, yelling is no longer my go-to method for handling problems.
This topic of remaining in control of our responses to deal better with family issues came up frequently when I was mentoring mothers and fathers. Recently, while rereading articles I had written years ago, I ran across one with a note I received from a mom who wondered how to do what I had done. Here’s what she asked:
“I wanted to thank you again for a great class. I wondered if you could tell me more about the yelling you used to do. I grew up in that type of household, and swore I would never be like that… but guess what, I do? I’d love to hear how you mastered that part of your life. I didn’t do it when I only had 1 or 2 children and they were little. But the more children that came and the older they got, the more I slipped into it. Do you mind sharing what helped you?”
I answered her privately, and we had several wonderful conversations. She found it helpful, and I knew it could benefit others. So, in May of 2011, right around Mother’s Day, I published what I had learned and practiced, and what I shared with her. This was a perfect topic for a day that is hard for many women because they aren’t perfect in this arena. I was one of those back in the yelling days.
What I shared with this sincere mother in 2011 is worth sharing again in 2025 because we have new moms, older mothers, and grandmothers who still struggle with using yelling to deal with family problems. So here goes. Enjoy, learn, and if needed, implement.
How to Stop Yelling – Ten Tips
After reading this mother’s note, does it remind you of you? I’ve received several emails like the one above. Many of us have a difficult time working out our frustration without yelling at our children. I’m certainly no expert on this. However, I used to yell and now I don’t. I can share some things that helped me get a handle on my ability to respond more calmly in the face of frustration and even anger.
1. You can’t just say you’re going to stop yelling. You must have a mental plan about what to do instead. You can’t replace something with nothing. This was the beginning of my simple system.
2. Be sure you’re not secretly frustrated or angry at your husband. When we don’t deal with the sticky parts of our marriage relationship, it can cause anger and resentment. Being in this state, even if you aren’t consciously aware of it, can lead to yelling at your children, because it’s safer and easier than yelling at a spouse. I’ve read this in books, and it was taught in a class I attended many years after I conquered my yelling habit. Your marriage relationship will affect how you manage your children.
3. See your children as people, not as problems, interruptions, etc. See them as people with needs.
For example, when my 3-year-old grandson was being a pill, his mom would stop, get down to his level, and say, “What’s wrong, little son?” When I watched her, I knew she was ticked off, but chose to respond in a kind and respectful way. It’s part of her system for managing frustration. It’s a decision she has made and practices. She knows if her kids are crying, misbehaving, hitting, fighting, etc., there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. Although it isn’t easy, it has become a habit for her, and she does it most of the time.
4. Practice being present. Parents who are present are better able to STOP and look at a situation and see it for what it is. The better we focus on another person and not on our need to ‘move on’ to the next thing, the better we can handle frustration, disappointment, and anger. P.S. Being engrossed in technology can be a real issue. So, STOP using it, put it down, turn away, and focus on your child.
5. Learn to manage stress. There are as many ways to do this as there are people, and you could fill a library with the books written on the subject. I’ve written several articles on this topic. I used to take hot baths at night and read. I outgrew that stress reliever. Now I shower and pray because I can fit that in, and a bath requires more time than I can give. I also utilize mini meditations that I learned from the book “Eight Minute Meditation” by Victor Davich. Very helpful.
6. Get enough sleep and eat right. Moms really mess this one up. We stay up late trying to get it all done or give ourselves alone time, and then struggle to manage our frustration the next day because we’re tired. Get on a reasonable sleep schedule. Our patience is more easily strained when we aren’t. We also eat over the sink, in the car, anywhere but at the table, sitting down and resting. Learn to eat sitting down, even if you only get five minutes.
7. Stop over-scheduling yourself and your family. Simplify your life.
8. Pray. I consider this the most important point of all! Prayer is the best medicine for anger and yelling. You can feel peace, a greater desire to be kind, and a sense of hope that you can become calm and collected most of the time.
9. Believe that you can be a calm person. What we believe is much easier to accomplish. It took me many years to believe that I could change, that yelling wasn’t in my blood, or that it wasn’t how we Cazier’s handled things. Today, I have an affirmation I say daily to help me ‘believe’ that what I want is what I can be or have.
10. Focus on when you do well. What we focus on, we get more of. When you fall off the wagon and yell, say you’re sorry, forgive yourself, and move on; stop ruminating over it, telling others about it, berating yourself, or beating yourself up for failing. Stop cementing in your mind that you are a “yeller”. What you are is a student learning to be calm. Focus on that!
The trip was a mixed bag, if I am honest. The kids and I had some great times, and I kept Gus worn out. : ) He had one nap and wanted another Saturday, but we were busy. This from a boy who has all but given up naps.