Category: Happiness

Thoughts On My Wall

Last week, I shared my daughter’s journey from a traumatic brain injury to a life of love and service. I shared one of the secrets to her success – she had taken charge of what she focused on.

I, like my daughter, put ideas on my wall.

I post on my walls thoughts and ideas that I want to understand and incorporate into my life and way of being. I am a person who decries clutter. Order is the name of the game for me, so it hasn’t always been easy to put things on my wall. LOL However, I have experienced the value of this practice, and I embrace it.

I have shared that I was mad when I learned that I was 100% responsible for my choices. I didn’t believe it. It couldn’t be true. It took me ten years to accept the truth and begin living it. Giving up a victim mindset can be a challenge.

I have lived this truth for many years now, and I know from experience that it is life-changing when we know we are in control of our response. This one principle has made a significant difference in my life. One thing that I do to help myself stay out of victim mode and manage my stories and response to them, is to post on my walls things that help me maintain perspective. I choose ideas I want to understand more fully and live better, thoughts that buoy me up and give me solace. I also focus on things that are not yet part of how I am, because I know that reading them often will help me integrate them into my way of being.

I thought it would be fun to share some of what I have on my walls with you. If it resonates you may want to post it on your walls. If not, enjoy the read and then find what does resonate. I have many thoughts from spiritual leaders in my faith. You will find the same in your faith. I have quotes from people I trust or admire. Some come from books I have read. If it rings true or is principle-based, it can find its way to a wall in my home.

I apologize because I haven’t always put the source on the quote. However, I will share the source if I know it. : ) Even though I don’t always recall where I heard certain words and phrases, it doesn’t matter. They captured my heart in the moment, and I put them on my wall.

I will explain why some quotes are on my wall. It will help you going forward to find great thoughts for your walls.

25 Wonderful Thoughts

1. The picture at the top of this article was gifted to me by my granddaughter Mary, when she was ten. She said, “Grandma, you and I are the same.” I hung her drawing on my wall to remind myself that those I love are watching me, and I need to be careful to be worth watching and emulating. Also, the sentiment is true, there is beauty everywhere, even in the hardest times. There are days when I need to be reminded of this truth. (See Photo)

2. I have this painting on my wall, among the quotes, because it has deep meaning for me. The words came in a dream, and I held them in my heart for years. Eventually, I found a friend and distant relative who painted the dream. It reminds me of what I’m here to do. “Mission Statement – The Savior is healing me. I release old wounds and baggage. As I heal, I am healing generations. I feel satisfied bringing light to others.” Mary Ann Johnson

3. “Whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say, it is well with my soul.”

I heard this in a story told on a Christmas program a few years ago. A father lost his four daughters in a tragic sea accident. He immediately sailed to his wife’s side. As he passed over the place, in the ocean, where his daughters were lost, he said these words to himself. This is how I want to manage loss and suffering.

4. I read the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben. As she suggested, I wrote my own happiness commandments. I pondered for many days and finally narrowed my personal commandments down to these three. This card has been on my wall for many years. These personal commandments have had a huge impact on my way of being.

5. “I like to think of waiting in terms of a waiter at a restaurant. In this sense, to wait on someone is to serve that person. A good waiter – or server – gives his or her customers excellent care and attention by checking on them often, learning their desires, and attending to them. When I adopt this attitude toward the Lord, it adds purpose to the time I spend awaiting a particular blessing. Time seems to pass more quickly when I am diligently working to serve God. Ironically enough, it’s through this work that I ‘renew strength.’ ” From a talk by Christy Nielson

6. “What is the great cause of Christ? It is to believe in Him, love as He loved, and do as He did.” From a talk by Dieter F. Uthcdorf

7. “God’s prosperity is the power to press forward despite the problems of life.” From a talk by L. Whitney Clayton 

Many years ago, I was in a very lean time, and I asked God, in prayer, to bless me with prosperity. He did. It was the most amazing year of my life and I felt so much abundance. Our income did not change. In fact, nothing changed except how I felt about my life. It was amazing. Years later I saw this quote and I knew exactly what it meant!

8. “Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend…when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that is present – love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us happiness – the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.” Sarah Ban Breathnach

As I said in #7, I have lived this!

9. “Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16  From the King James Bible

10. “Life is incredibly unfair – in your favor.” Jennie Taylor

Jennie’s husband was killed in war, and she was left with a family to care for. I listened to her talk about navigating that terrible loss and I was moved beyond words. I was also chastened for my penchant to complain. Jennie taught me the power of these words and also these… “We want everything to happen for a reason. A better mindset might be to let God make reason of everything that happens.” Jennie Taylor

11. When I became a full-time caregiver and made the choice to let my career go, I got a lot of flack from people. Many business associates felt that I was taking the easy way out, business building can be a challenge. Others felt I could do it all if I really wanted to. I spent time pondering and praying. Eventually, I wrote this statement for myself so I would never again second guess the choice I had made. I have it on my wall because caregiving is stressful. It has many challenges and few of the perks of being a teacher and speaker. I must remind myself who I am, why I am doing what I do, and that it is right for me, at this time. Three years have passed, and this is as true today as it was the day it was written.

“So here is my clarity – It won’t be what you would usually think. I live in a four-generation household that is filled with active children and those who are ill. I am also a published author, teacher, and coach. I post daily on Facebook, a meaningful thought for the parents I write for. I write and publish an article each week, which always elicits comments of hope from my readers. My published book is fabulous, and the day will come when I will again promote it and speak and teach on the contents. I have a couple more amazing books in files on my computer which will wait patiently for me. But for now – I am caring for my mother and my ill husband, and helping my daughter care for her 14-year-old with special needs. This is my path, my mission for now, and my time to serve and patiently wait. It is enough for me.” Mary Ann Johnson

11. “Celebrate endings because they precede new beginnings.” Jonathan Lockwood Hule

When I read these words, I knew I had to post them on my wall because I balk at change. I knew that I needed more flexibility of mind and heart. I read these words often.

12. “I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you.” John 14:18 From the King James Bible

13. “You can’t wait until life stops being hard to be happy.” Jane Marczewski

Jane was known as ‘Nightbirdie’ on the show America’s Got Talent. She had cancer but decided to audition anyway. Simon Cowell gave her a Golden Buzzer. Jane died before the end of the season, but she had lived these words spoken on stage. I don’t watch TV, but my husband does and while doing dishes I saw Jane’s first appearance. Much later I learned she had died. I decided that her words would help me in the years to come and so I searched for them. They are now on my wall.

14. “We can feel heartbreak and joy at the same time.”

15. “Create a vision, present it to the Lord, tell Him this is what you would love, and then ask Him to help you identify your next ‘right’ step. You don’t even have to be totally confident that He is guiding you. If you do this exercise, then I assure you, as you give it your best shot to move forward with the next ‘right’ step, He is.”

16. “Be less worried about what you are doing and think more about who you are becoming.” From a talk by James E. Faust

17. I took a wonderful class on money stories from Erin Mathis Feik. I worked on my money stories for over fifteen years. I had made tons of progress, but Erin was a friend and I decided to see what she had to say. Here is what I distilled from the class. I read these words often and find them helpful, especially in these current, challenging financial times. (See Photo)

18. “Not what we give, but what we share. For the gift without the giver is bare, who gives himself with his alms feeds three, himself, his hungering neighbor, and me.” from The Vision of Sir Launfal by James R. Lowell

I have this posted next to a small picture of Jesus Christ, on my bathroom wall. I see it every day.

19. “God sometimes calls us into service at the most inopportune times. Often, we find a hundred reasons to say no…God wants our availability. He wants our hearts and minds and lives. He wants us to say in the words of Isaiah, ‘Here I am, send me.” God does not judge us by a set of standard performances. He makes a total claim on our lives and expects full use of all our talents. He judges us in terms of what we are capable of doing. In many situations, is not a call simply a realization of a need and an agreement that you have the ability to fill that need if you are only willing to do so?” Millard Fuller

When someone needed to care for my mom who has Alzheimer’s, I was traveling the country, speaking, guiding workshops, and really enjoying myself. I had just had a book published. My husband was already struggling with his health, and I was helping my daughter care for her special needs daughter. I knew the decision to take my mom into my home would come at a cost. However, I didn’t know the cost would be as high as it proved to be. Eventually, I had to let it all go, the speaking, the teaching, the traveling.

I have never regretted the decision, but resentment can come knocking, and maintaining perspective can be a challenge. When I read these words, I had to post them on the wall because this is where I find myself today. They help me stay in a good place so I can better love and care for those I serve.

21. “Being a widow is uncharted territory. It is a place of paradox-empty/full, heartbroken/healed, etc. Sometimes I miss so much I can’t breathe. Yet, having him helping from the other side of the veil has been incredible. Soooo many blessings.” Kim Gleason Davis

I have worried about losing my husband since the day we married. That is because he has been a truly safe place for me. I have talked to dozens of widows over the years to hear their stories, so I could be prepared for the day that this safety left. I know it is silly, but there it is.

However, I have known for a long time now that there are some things you can’t prepare for. When I read this post from my friend, Kim, I had to save it because I will need it in years to come. It resonates with me so powerfully because for decades I have said, “Don is my breath. How will I breathe when he is gone?” Kim reminded me how.

22. “Intelligence isn’t in you; it exists around you and you are to connect with it. Answers don’t have to be in your mind. You don’t have to be able to recall everything you read. You just trust that you are an intelligence in a sea of intelligence and answers and information will flow into you. When you begin pondering something and start talking about it, information flows in.”

As I have aged, my ability to recall details has diminished. I was frightened at first, but then I read this, I believed it and I hung it on my wall. I always seem to find the information I need whether it comes readily to my mind or not. Information, when I need it, does flow in!

23. “Nothing in nature lives for itself. Rivers don’t drink their own water. Trees don’t eat their own fruit. The sun doesn’t shine for itself. Flowers don’t spread fragrance for themselves. Living for others is the rule of nature.”

I come from a time when this was lived more than now. I have watched the world become more selfish and self-centered. I need this reminder to remain as I was taught, to take good care of yourself so you maintain your strength and then care for others.

24. “The Lord has a plan for me, and it will be a gift.” Mary Ann Johnson

After I quit speaking and teaching, I wondered if I had made the best choice. One day while coming in the back door I had this very clear thought flash into my mind – This will be a gift. I immediately came into my office space and wrote these words down and hung them on my wall. I wanted to remember what I had just been told. Five years have passed since that day, and I am seeing the gift being created!

25. “Charity – Patience is a reverence for the agency of others. The Lord’s commitment to agency is deeper than even your own. When we are patient with others, we are giving them space to use their agency, even if it complicates things for us or is different from what we would do. Patience is cheerfully doing all things as required by God. The fruit of patience is love unfeigned. We must have patience in order to withstand pain and grief without complaint or discouragement, which detracts from the Spirit.”

I asked for the gift of charity over a decade ago. As I began studying it, I realized that charity is made up of multiple ways of being. I have since begun studying the parts of this gift I desire. I have many quotes about charity and its parts on my walls. I cannot become what I don’t understand and practice.

I have so many other wonderful thoughts and ideas on my walls. I mean, I have been collecting them for years. : ) It is only possible to take one down if I have become the words or if they don’t apply anymore. There was no way to share them all with you, but I hope you have enjoyed these twenty-five and the stories that go with many of them. I am sure you can tell what my focus is at this season of my life. : )

Take the time in this coming year to find words that will help you stay on track and keep working towards who you want to become. Take charge of what you focus on.

It will elevate your mind, heart, and life.

You Are What You Think About and Focus On

In 2003, my world turned upside down when my daughter, Jenny, was hit head-on by a drunk driver going the wrong way on a California freeway. Five years later, I wrote an article about Jenny’s journey and how she turned a major head injury into a life worth living. Another eleven years have passed, and I have watched my daughter live these words – You are what you think about and focus on.

Jenny’s sixteen-year odyssey is powerful. If you find yourself frustrated, angry, discouraged, resentful, sad, feeling less than, or any number of other difficult emotions, then this is a true story for you.

After a struggle with drugs, Jenny got clean, changed friends, and was one semester shy of graduating with a bachelor’s degree. All that came to an abrupt halt when she was hit by the drunk driver.

In May of 2012, Jenny’s first five years as a brain trauma survivor ended when she graduated, not just with a bachelor’s, but with her master’s degree in speech therapy, a skill she had learned to value as she regained her ability to speak after her accident. She set out for a new life, in a new city, at a new job, helping other people put their lives back together.

On that amazing day, it was wonderful to sit in the auditorium and watch her walk across the stage. It was overwhelming to see all the people who had come because they loved our daughter and wanted us to know what a successful job we had done raising her. It caused me to do some serious introspection. We did do a good job of raising our children; not a perfect or pain-free job, but the best job our knowledge allowed. We know this from the fruit – seven loyal, kind, adults with integrity.

But when I think of Jenny, I know that her recovery from an accident that left her unable to walk, think of the word for shoe, orange, etc., track conversations, manage social cues, or remember anything, was due to her preparation for life. Let me share her secret for living well, no matter the circumstances.

Take control of your thoughts!!

When I was at Jenny’s home the week of her graduation, I noticed quotes on the walls in every room. They were the fodder for her recovery; they showed the core of who she had decided she wanted to be long before her accident. She had begun choosing her thoughts in her late teens. This didn’t prevent her from taking a hard road to adulthood, but it helped her stay alive and hang on to values on how to treat others until she could put into practice what she wanted her life to look like.

After Jenny’s accident, these thoughts, which she had seen and read every day of her growing up, got her through. They had become part of the fabric of her thinking. Brain trauma is hard. It makes normal living a lot of work, but to finish college and go on to have a successful career helping others, well, that was a miracle of persistence, faith, and the beliefs she had fed herself for decades.

Let me share some of what Jenny had posted on her walls.

  • If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.
  • Life is not about finding yourself; life is about creating yourself.
  • “When I started counting my blessings, my whole world turned around.” Willie Nelson
  • When we strive to become better than we are, then everything around us becomes better also.
  • Live generously, love passionately, and be all that you want to see in the world. Shine your awesome love and light on all around you with no strings attached. Do it just because it’s who you are. Love is your nature. Sow it in your mind. Plant it in the world and enjoy the thrill of seeing love multiply and spread. All for love and love for all.
  • I’d always heard that your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all – it stretches on forever like an ocean of time. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad in a world where there’s so much beauty. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much; my heart fills up like a balloon that is about to burst. Then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold onto it, and the beauty flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure, but don’t worry, you will – someday. (From the movie American Beauty)
  • “I’ve learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.” Martha Washington
  • Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows fall behind you. A Maori Proverb

During my almost 74 years, I have learned that we have a choice in life. We can choose how we are going to react in any circumstance. I recall reading Victor Frankel’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, as a teen, and I have never forgotten him saying “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Despite facing an addiction in those early days, Jenny had chosen to look at life through a lens of light. She was working diligently to get control of her life by choosing to embrace happiness no matter how hard the day. She was making every effort to control her thoughts!

Jenny didn’t engage in negative conversations. She wouldn’t verbalize the bad but chose to talk about the good. After the accident, she would not say an unkind word about the other driver. She said that she wished him well, that she hoped for joy in his life. She knew the struggle he was facing, one she was conquering. She wasn’t going to waste one minute on anger. She embraced what she had posted on her walls.

Change your thoughts, change your life.

Controlling your thoughts can change your life completely. We all can choose our response in every situation. Accepting personal responsibility for our lives and not blaming others, money, time, or circumstance makes all the difference in the quality of our lives. When you give up being a victim, you free yourself from whatever has you bound.

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Choose your words because they become actions.
Understand your actions, for they become your habits.
Study your habits, for they will become your character.
Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny. Lao Tzu

Jenny has proven this to be true!

I, like you and my daughter Jenny, must work daily to maintain this way of thinking and living. It is a practice, and it takes work every day. My walls are hung with things I want to understand and live better. Next week I will share some of those thoughts, beliefs, and quotes with you. I hope you will take some of the words of wisdom that Jenny and I choose to look at each day and put them on your walls because what you surround yourself with, what you choose to think about and focus on, does make ALL the difference.

You Are What You Think About

and Focus On

Today Jenny works in senior and rehab centers helping others who have experienced trauma learn to speak again. She and her husband, Brett, have an online Christian ministry, Humans of Surrender, helping those who struggle with addiction to find help and embrace God. They have a beautiful church on their wooded property called Grace Wood where everyone is welcome. From traumatic brain injury to a life of service and love is an amazing journey proving once again, that when you control your thinking you can change your life. Jenny is adamant about one other thing and I agree – When you add God and Christ to the mix of managing your thoughts, you have better outcomes. : )

How To Enjoy Life More, Even When It’s Hard

Today, although there are things I could share that would be less time-consuming to write and less emotionally draining, I am telling you about my morning. I am sharing this experience for a reason. After several decades of working on two principles, they can still trip me up. They are also stumbling blocks for many moms I talk with. I have written about them often, and I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but this is pivotal for our happiness and our ability to parent and relationship well.

What is so challenging to manage?

1. You are 100% responsible for your response, regardless of circumstances or other people.
2. Control your story. You are not a victim!

Yeah, they make me feel annoyed, too. : ) A few decades have passed since I learned about number 1. After learning this principle, I was angry for ten years because how could I be totally in control of my response when my husband and kids kept doing and saying stupid stuff? And then there were the neighbors, the government, and a chaotic world.

I didn’t know anything about number two for at least fifteen years after learning the first principle. I had lived as a victim most of my life, from childhood, when I was a victim, right into my late fifties. It was frankly, if not a happy place to be, comfortable. Figuring out how to change my thinking in both areas was going to be a lot of work, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

This morning is a perfect example of the two principles above, the work required to live them, and the result of both living and ignoring them. I hope you won’t be bored. I also hope it may ring a bell or turn on a light. : )

It has been a whirlwind at my home since the beginning of December. I got all my Christmas baked, wrapped, mailed, and delivered, including the friend and neighbor gifts. Then I helped two very old and ill friends get theirs done. I have a 53-year-old special needs friend who needed me to help her with a couple of things. I was glad to assist her, but it took time and effort. On Wednesday, Don and I traveled from one end of the Salt Lake Valley to the other and from one side to the other to connect with dear friends we only see every few years. It was a delightful but completely exhausting day.

During these early weeks, we all had the flu, and you know what that entails for the women in charge, sick or not. : ) Jodie’s kids were all ill, as was she, but she still had to work, so I was on deck for a portion of each day. I had to care for Mom and Don. We have all recovered, for the most part, but it has been a long two weeks. By this Friday, I was done in and ready for a break.

Friday night I dropped into my chair at about 8 pm to look over the Saturday schedule, only to discover that we had a church Christmas Breakfast at 9 am, and I had promised to take a family of older people who would normally not attend. We care very much about this family, but seeing this on the calendar, I came unglued. I felt so angry. I yelled that it was too much.

What frustrated me was that in my mind, I thought I was done and that today, Saturday, was going to be free, except for writing my article, which I hadn’t even started on. This is something I try to avoid by writing a little each day but here I was, not only going to need to write an article, create a newsletter, and record a podcast, but now I was going to have to get my own family up and out of the house by 9 am, pick up another family, do a lot of smiling and talking and then come home and do this big job I had left to the last minute!!

Well, I sat there fuming that my life was too hard, I had too much to do, nobody else did their share, and on and on. However, it was bedtime, so I had to shut it down and move on. Fortunately for me, I have a system to ‘dump’ the stuff out of my brain and I know how to meditate myself to sleep, so fifteen minutes after lying down, I was asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I was still ticked off. Why me? Why another big day? It wasn’t fair. I didn’t want to feel this way, but I did, and I didn’t have the energy or time to work it out. I got my family into the car, picked up our friends, and drove to the church.

It was going to be OK though, because I could at least sit and eat, right? I could rest since I wasn’t in charge of anything and wasn’t doing any cooking or serving. It didn’t turn out that way. The event was very well attended and the line to serve yourself breakfast was long! I got my plate and my mother’s and helped my older friends. After about twenty minutes, we all sat down, and I ate a grape. All I had was fruit and yogurt because the main dish was filled with pork, a food I cannot eat. Another thing to be bummed about. However, I like grapes. As I picked up my second grape, Jodie asked me if I could sit by Maggie so she could get a plate.

If you think the line was long when I went through, it was double that for Jodie. Over thirty minutes later, she finally returned. By that time, I had fed Maggie my yogurt, rolled her over to watch the movie Polar Express, and tracked down Santa so she could get a photo with him. Jodie finally came back with a plate. However, neither of us got to eat!

It was time for the children’s nativity play, and Maggie was the Heavenly Star, so Jodie put her costume on and got her on stage. I had gotten some more yogurt, but the family I brought were ready to go home, as was Don and my mom. So, I drove them home.

Here is the important part of this morning’s story.

There I was bringing an older, ill couple to the party and Don and my mom. Saint, right? Then I stood and fed Maggie my yogurt. Feeding a child who eats mostly from a tube in her stomach isn’t the easiest thing to do. Saint, right? And I didn’t get to eat, but made sure those older people I brought got home when they were done in. Super saint, for sure.

Well, as I was helping everyone up and out to the car, my friend, Bunnie, leaned over and said, “You are such a wonderful person. So gentle and kind,” or words to that effect. I looked at her and replied, “Don’t give me too much credit. I am feeling angry and annoyed.” Another friend at the table, who also helps care for these elderly friends, looked at me quizzically and said, “Angry?” I replied, “Well that isn’t the right word, more like irritated and annoyed.” Then I smiled lamely and shepherded everyone out to the car.

I responded the way I did because the whole morning, I was continuing the very negative conversation from the night before, in my head. You know, the one I mentioned before – Why me? Why another big day? It isn’t fair. I should be able to eat. Why do I have to get up early and go to bed on time? Why can’t I be a lazy bum? Why can’t someone else be kind and do this stuff? I have too much to do, nobody else does their share, and on and on. Bunnie’s comment, which was meant as a sincere compliment, was a punch in the gut.

Doing The Work

Now, to be honest, the whole mental conversation wasn’t negative. I was making an effort to get a grip on my story. At one point, while feeding Maggie, I went over the things I had managed in the last two weeks and I asked myself questions, “Did anyone make you do this? Could you have not done it? Why did you? Were you afraid to say no? Was your self-esteem on the line? I answered each question honestly, as I have practiced for decades. Ultimately, I knew I chose each of these things because I wanted to. It’s my way of being and I like how I am. There was no one or any circumstance to blame. I had consciously made choices that fit with what I wanted my December to look like. Ok, I was making progress with number 1.

Nevertheless, it was a back-and-forth, emotionally challenging mental conversation. I knew when I got home, I would need to do some more work to manage number 2, controlling my story. I could go for a walk and yell until I was done yelling. I could smile, even if I didn’t feel like it, because it still releases endorphins. I could go home and do a dump write and then crumple it up and throw it away. What I choose to do is the tool that works best for me. I prayed. I dumped on God because I knew He wasn’t mad at me when I acted lame. : ) Then I began asking God to help me sort out why I felt distressed. I had helpful thoughts. I had been ill. I was overly tired. I did need a rest, but I still had work left to do, write to you. : ) I got my story straight.

As I finished my prayer, I knew I still had emotions to manage and I spent the next couple of hours, as I cooked a wonderful lunch for my family and began working on this article, doing just that.

How do I feel now, at 4:45 pm? I still have lots to do to finish this article, the newsletter, and the podcast. But I feel OK. There isn’t anything I have done in the last two weeks that I wouldn’t do over again, by choice. I know that I have done my best to care for myself. I went to bed on time more days than not. I got up early and did as much of my morning routine as was feasible. I dumped the junk before bed and slept well. I took a day off when I was ill.

I’m not angry, irritated, or annoyed anymore. I know who I am. I know why I was emotionally challenged. My story is straight. I’m not blaming anyone or anything. Tomorrow is Sunday, a Sabbath for me. I will rest, and then I will prepare for next week.

You can see the work I had to do over an evening and much of a day, to get my head straight about my story and my responsibility. It took work, but I got the work done.

Here is the result.

Last night and this morning I felt angry and annoyed. I couldn’t enjoy my friends or being with people. Now, I am at peace. I feel happy with myself and the kindnesses I have been able to share. I feel somehow rested, even though I am facing a few hours of editing and recording. I am at peace with myself, my family, my friends, and the world.

When we choose to accept responsibility for our responses, when we let go of blaming anyone or any circumstance; when we ask honest questions and get our story straight, we will find ourselves happier and more at peace. This allows us to parent from a better place and to manage our relationships with better outcomes.

Each of you has had a couple of days, weeks, or even months like mine. Each of us must learn how to control the story and how to take responsibility for our responses.

As we do, we will enjoy life more, even when it is hard.

A Response to This Article and a Tender Mercy

How Long Can You Carry the Load?

I walk daily. Walking is the only exercise I get because, as I understand it, you can’t count housework. LOL I walk five blocks. A while back I decided to run those five blocks. I have never liked running, but in February of this year, I decided to run. The goal I set was to run the full five blocks by September. In the article I wrote sharing why I decided to run, I told you I would tell you how it worked out.

Well, it hasn’t worked out well!

I began having significant nerve pain in my right foot, the front of my shin, and in my right knee after only one week of running. The pain was intense. After an MRI, my doctor told me I had to stop running. There is an issue in the vertebra of my lower back that I may need to deal with someday, but for now, giving up running will help prevent further disintegration. I was bummed out. I mean, I should be able to run; other people run.

Not being able to run was a letdown because, as I said in the article if we have a big enough why, we can accomplish anything. It didn’t matter how big my why was, running was not something I could do, and remain healthy! However, pouting wasn’t going to help me achieve my goal of brain health. If I couldn’t run five blocks by September, what could I do that would make a difference? I gave it some serious thought. After all, running or no running, I had a big why!

  • I could wear better shoes. (My daughter bought me a pair and it made a world of difference! Far less leg pain!)
  • I could walk faster.
  • I could practice better breathing as I walked.
  • My sister, a fitness instructor, suggested I could employ the weights I carry better.

I took her advice and began utilizing my weights in a new way. I raise one arm into the air and keep it lifted as I walk, for as long as I can. The pain begins slowly, but eventually, I must put my arm down. Then I lift the other arm and repeat the process. Then I let both arms swing by my side until I feel I can lift the weight again. I do at least two repetitions of each arm and sometimes three. Each month I can lift the weight longer.

Lifting a Weight is Like Caregiving and Parenting

During one of my walks, I realized how much this exercise is like the caregiving I do every day and how much it’s like the parenting we’re all doing. Both are weights we carry. Sometimes, it becomes painful, and you wonder if you can keep it up. The truth is that to manage these weights well, we do eventually have to put our arm down, metaphorically speaking. We need a break.

I know that carrying the weight of caregiving in my family is a blessing, just as carrying those 3-pound weights is a blessing. It’s the same with parenting. The weight is real, but parenting also has its compensating blessings. Any parent with adult children can look back on the hard days and be grateful because of what they see in their adult child. Then there are the grands. Need I say more? LOL We are also blessed because we learn hard and valuable lessons, we grow and hopefully make changes, and become better people. Without the weight, there would be far less growth.

But, just as in my walk, you need to occasionally put the weight down. There are many ways to do this. It might be a night or a week away, but I suspect that will be rare. I am taking a four-day weekend off at the end of December, but this has been a few years coming. : ) It may be a trip to the grocery store by yourself. I use this one at least once a week, despite how much my mom likes to go on rides. Maybe you can drop the kids off at your mom’s for the evening. I do this for my daughter, Jodie. They already live here, so all she has to do is get a ‘yes’ from me, and she can take an evening off. : )

It might be an occasional lunch with a friend or an evening with your book club. Have you ever thought about an hour or two at the library? I have used this. It’s a perfect place for stillness and rest. What about an adult-only movie night? My daughter Jodie hides out in a comfy chair in our garden during the summer. Try taking the dog for a walk.

It’s never easy to create space for yourself when you are caregiving or raising a family. I have had moments of quilt when I leave home to get some space for myself. After all, I snuck out knowing my mother was pining for a ride. But when I come back, I am a better caregiver, a more loving wife, a cheerful grandmother, and a gentler daughter. You will be a better mother when you occasionally put your arm down. Our parenting/caregiving muscles need a rest.

You can’t carry the load well without an occasional break. You need to figure out how to find moments when you can put the weight down so your parenting muscle remains strong, and you can carry the load for all the years it takes to parent a family.

You can carry the load as long as you need to, but occasionally,

your arm needs a rest.

Why I Decided to Commit to Meditation When I Said I Couldn’t

On October 15th of this year, I posted an article called Are You Self-Aware? What Does That Even Look Like? In the article, I listed ideas for becoming more aware of our own emotional state. Then I listed things I was committing to do for myself. At the end of the article, there was this P. S. “Mediation came up often on the lists. I have meditated in the past but right now, I can’t commit to it.”

I Have Decided to Commit!

I have decided to commit because of an experiment I have been doing. I want to share my results with you because they have been helpful! Let’s go back a ways. About ten years ago I was living in Kearns, Utah, sharing a home with my daughter Jodie and her family, just as now. However, she wasn’t working full time and although we helped with Maggie it wasn’t as much. My mom hadn’t come to live with us yet. However, I was working full-time, along with traveling, speaking, teaching, and working on my book. But I seemed to have more time. Ah, perspective! LOL

I read the book ‘8 Minute Meditation: Quiet Your Mind. Change Your Life’ by Victor Davich. I practiced the meditations and settled on one. It is as simple as saying to yourself with each breath, “Breathe in, breathe out.” BUT meditation proved to be a challenge for me. I am by nature a mover, a worker. I want to get things done. I am a finisher. None of this settles well with sitting quietly. However, I began using this practice daily. I would sit on a chair in my kitchen and breathe in and out for 8 minutes. Man, some days it was HARD! However, I became good at it. I began doing this breathing work at the kitchen sink when I was upset or in the car for the same reason. It helped my mind and body slow down and I was able to make better choices and have more thoughtful responses.

Then I began using it when I went to bed. I use this practice to this day. I can go to sleep in under 15 minutes no matter how the day has gone or what worries I have. If I wake up in the night, I can meditate myself back to sleep in a few minutes.  As you can see, meditation proved to be very useful to me. But as we do with many things that work for us, I let it slip out of my life, except for going to sleep.

So, at this juncture, why couldn’t I commit to meditating for reasons other than going to sleep? I didn’t believe I could keep the commitment! As a full-time caregiver, I jump out of bed in the morning, and I am off to the races. I move at 100 miles an hour all day long. Then I take my 15-minute self-care shower and drop into bed. I meditate myself to sleep and then the next morning I repeat. I know it sounds terrible, but it fits my personality. However, I know it is not the healthiest way to live. It doesn’t help me manage stress.

Here is one of the affirmation/commitments that I repeat each morning – God and Christ value me just as I am. To them, I have great worth. I feel their love every day! They are teaching me about rest and rejuvenation…so I can serve better.

You see, I know how important it is to slow down, to be still, to make space for oneself. One of my favorite verses of scripture found in the Christian Bible is Psalms 46:10 – Be still and know that I am God.

But knowing and doing are two separate things. After I shared my article with all of you, I couldn’t get meditation off my mind. I thought about it every day. I wanted to commit but I wasn’t sure I could. Eventually, I decided to revisit what it felt like. I recall the morning, a few weeks ago, when I got up, dressed, and then sat on the couch. I have an app on my phone from my early meditation days, Insight Timer.  I opened it up, went to my library created so long ago, and chose a 5-minute meditation. I remember opening my eyes at the 3-minute mark because, well, I needed to get going. LOL However, the day moved along more smoothly. Just as busy, but there was something different.

After a couple of days of revisiting how meditation felt, I had one of those 5:30 mornings when I needed to get Maggie up. I didn’t meditate. It was easy to fall off the wagon. See, I knew I couldn’t commit. BUT I also couldn’t stop thinking about it. A week later, as I headed to bed, I opened the app. I found a 60-minute meditation in my library and played it as I fell asleep. I woke far less during the night and felt more rested in the morning! I asked my husband if the music bothered him, and he said it didn’t. I have been going to sleep with meditation music every night since. It is making a HUGE difference in how well I manage busy days.

The last few weeks have been tough. Canning season didn’t end in October but slid right into November. Many days I was up at 6:30 and worked till 11. My normal bedtime is between 9-9:30. This was a rough schedule for me because I still have mornings when I need to care for Maggie at 5:30 and because I am canning, I must get going by 6:30 anyway. However, because I am using meditation music along with my meditation breathing to fall asleep, I have been far more rested, and I have been able to manage this schedule better. By the way, I am now FINISHED for the year! Well, almost. I do have a bucket of pickles in brine. LOL

Here are some things I have done to make meditation work for me:

•I moved my meditation app to the home page of my phone, so it is easy to find.
•I committed to my bedtime meditation music 7 days a week.
•I committed to my morning 5-minute meditation at least 3 days a week. If that is all I can
do it is OK.
•If I am interrupted, I pick up where I left off. Let me give you a few examples:

The first morning I did the 5-minute meditation Ben came down and asked me a question. I paused my music, responded, and then carried on. A few seconds later Jodie came down and put in laundry. I shut out the sounds and carried on. This can happen many mornings and I have decided not to let it bother me. That way I remain peaceful and get my meditation in, no matter what. : ) It is a choice. 

A few days later Jack came and asked if I could drive him to school. I calmly turned off my music and took him. I had gotten 3 minutes in, and I let it be enough.

This Monday morning when the free-standing heater went on, I noticed the sound of blowing air was very loud. I looked at the time and I had 3 minutes left. I let the feeling of irritation go. I decided to mesh the heater sound with the music, and I finished my meditation. I remained calm. It again, was a choice.

•I focus on the value meditation brings and not on the challenges of getting it done.
•I accept the responsibility of creating space for myself. I don’t blame others or circumstances.

I rush to the next thing. It’s my nature, and it’s how my life is structured. Meditation helps me create space in my life. Remember that old story I have mentioned in the past, that there is no space in my life for me? I know I am in control of that story and my response to it. It has been a challenge for the last couple of years to keep it in check. Meditation helps me create 5 minutes for myself, and if I remain calm despite the occasional interruptions, it silences that old story and I manage my busy days better. After all, it’s my responsibility to create space despite all that I am responsible for managing in a day. The same thing applies to my night meditation.

The Value of Meditation for Me

To summarize, what has the value of even small amounts of meditation been to me?

Prior to today’s meditation, I was saying my morning prayer. It was all I had in my head to do before I would plunge into the day. During that sacred moment, I realized I was rushing. I said to God, “I am rushing! I am sorry. I need more calmness as I move into the day.” Meditation immediately came into my mind. God is so good! I finished my prayer.

As I began the meditation, I felt like a sprinter at the starting gate. I noticed my breathing was shallow and fast. I was leaning forward as if any second the gun was going to go off, and I would sprint into the day. There was a tenseness in my shoulders.

By choice, I began breathing deeply and slowly. I leaned back and rested on the chair. I let my hands go limp in my lap. I felt the tenseness ooze away. I deliberately did what I needed to do to relax into the meditation. After a short time, I peeked at the clock thinking, “I probably have three minutes left.” My nature was asserting itself! There was only 2 min and 23 seconds left. I felt a smile coming on. I smiled for the rest of the 2 minutes. It felt good to be still and understand myself.

When the time elapsed, I was calmer. My mind and body had slowed down. The need to rush into my day was no longer there. I looked calmly at my list and thought, “Where shall I begin?” I made time for my morning routine – I read a few verses of scripture. I said my affirmation/commitments, got my water ready and wrote in my gratitude journal. I was able to make time for these important things. Then I took my walk.

Now I am deeply into the day. I am doing my writing for this post. (I usually spread it out over a week but, well, you know, canning.) Then I will construct the newsletter and do the podcast. After that, I want to clean my home for the Sabbath because I couldn’t do that last week. You know, canning. LOL Then the budget and … No matter how the day ends it’s moving along smoothly, calmly. I feel ordered and in control of myself, even if I can’t control the interruptions and shed the responsibilities. Meditation, just the little I do, has made a difference.

I AM COMMITTED!

P.S. There are many wonderful, guided meditations and in the past, I have used them. However, for now, I am only using meditation music. It is enough.

Here is a PDF of the book 8 Minute Meditation: Quiet Your Mind. Change Your Life by Victor Davich.

What is Family Philanthropy

November and December are perfect months to teach our children about gratitude and sharing. It’s an excellent time to review our family culture around giving and receiving. During these months, there are multiple opportunities to teach our children that no matter how wonderful it is to receive, giving brings deep satisfaction and joy. Today I want to share a few stories about family philanthropy, but let’s begin by defining philanthropy. I took my definition from Noah Webster’s 1828 dictionary.

PHILANTHROPY, noun The love of mankind; benevolence towards the whole human family; universal good will. It differs from friendship, as the latter is an affection for individuals.

Did you notice that philanthropy doesn’t have anything to do with money? Interesting, isn’t it, because in today’s world, it is all about money. Usually, those we think of as philanthropists are wealthy and get their names on museums, hospital buildings, and symphony halls. If money was all that philanthropy was about, it would leave out most of the world, including me and my family.

STORY ONE

When I had my seven children at home, I took them to the nursing home on Sunday after church. I wanted them to care for the elderly and not fear their infirmities or eccentricities. After a couple of hours at church, they weren’t all that excited, but go, we did, and it never ceased to amaze me how much they enjoyed themselves once we were there.

They would sit by people in the cafeteria and ask questions, then listen to the answers. Sometimes, I saw one of them holding an older person’s hand. They did a great deal of smiling and reading. We didn’t stay long, but we always gave it thirty minutes.

This is an example of one of the ways we brought philanthropy into our family culture. Today these adults reach out in amazing ways with money and time to serve those around them. They have soft hearts for others, recognize their own blessings, and want to help the world be a kinder, more beautiful place.

STORY TWO

In my daughter’s family, they used the phrase Family Philanthropy early on. It all began with Maggie, who has severe cerebral palsy. The financial burden in the beginning was very great. After much prayer to find ways to help Maggie have the treatment she needed, they came up with Maggie’s Month, a way to receive help and make the world a better place at the same time.

During Maggie’s month, friends, family, and complete strangers came together to gather resources for Maggie and others. Some gave their time to make an event successful. Others gave money. Maggie’s month lasted only a few years, but in that time, Jodie’s children and others were privileged to reach out, share their time, talents, and resources, and gain philanthropic hearts.

Maggie’s month was about more than just helping Maggie. Maggie’s Month represented a solution to a world of serious hurting and deep needs –more people with philanthropy in their hearts.

STORY THREE

A couple of years ago, I took a class on Self-Reliance. It was about getting your life and financial affairs in order so that you could not only take care of your own needs but also help with the needs of others.

One of the lessons had a video that moved me to tears, and when I think about it now, it still moves me. I have wonderful friends in Kenya. Their hearts are full of gratitude despite lives of want and need. That is why this video moved me so much, it was of a sweet Kenyan woman. She shared that each morning she knelt and asked God who she could help and serve that day. Then she would watch for opportunities to give the only things she had, her time, her love, and her concern for another’s need. I cannot think of a finer example of philanthropy.

STORY FOUR

After Jodie’s family ended Maggie’s Month events, they began another tradition that went on for years. During November and December, they could be found once a week at a park in their large city where many were homeless. They would hand out coco and cookies and talk with the people. For a few years before Jodie began this new tradition, Don and I had gone to the park to talk with the homeless. I remember one special day when a homeless man and I discussed books. He was a reader, as I am. Just before moving on, he took a book out of his pack and said, “Can I give this to you? It’s very good, and I know you will enjoy it.” I still have the book on my shelf.

What is Family Philanthropy?

Philanthropy is a big word for turning care and concern into action, as Noah Webster described. Philanthropy is the perfect word to represent the greater hope in the four stories I have shared.

One of Jodie’s family’s mantras is, “One person can’t do everything, but everyone can do something!” Their goal with Maggie’s month, as was mine with our trips to the senior center, and the Kenyan woman’s prayer, was to inspire other families to take action on something they care about, respond to a need they see, and support a cause that matters to them as a regular part of their family culture.

Philanthropy makes us better, happier people. Science says it’s so, but more importantly, experience bears it out. Philanthropy follows the Law of Cause and Effect. My friend and financial coach, Janine Bolon said, “Depending on our religious or cultural backgrounds, we might have heard it described as:

  • “The Law of Cause and Effect”
  • “The Law of the Harvest
  • “What you sow, that you shall reap.”
  • “What goes around comes around.”
  • “Birds of a feather flock together.”
  • “To him that has, more shall be given.”
  • “Like begets like.”
  • “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

But Why Family Philanthropy?

At the end of the first month, after Maggie’s Month was created, Jodie received a letter in the mail that perfectly described the WHY of her family’s efforts.

“Dear Maggie,
“When we got the email from your mom, we all looked at your website and then gathered as a family to talk about it. We all voted to do something, but it was difficult to decide what. We had so many ideas, but Mom and Dad were worried about time.

“Finally, the idea was proposed that we give you the money in our swing set savings bucket. For the past few years, we have kept a 5-gallon bucket that we put all our spare change in, in hopes of saving enough money to buy a swing set. If you get all your treatments, maybe you will be able to play on a swing set someday. “We know the Lord will bless us for helping you, and maybe we can build a swing set as a family project. We are praying for you.”

It isn’t hard to imagine the growth that happened in these children’s hearts as they jointly decided to delay their long-desired dream of a swing set for the benefit of another. The lessons learned, memories shared, and character built through this experience were incalculable and priceless.

As children, our character, and our worldview, are largely created through our family culture. Adult philanthropists who are full of hope and abundance, who heal society with both time and money, and who are generally happier, more successful people, are more likely to come from homes that practice philanthropy. Children learn by watching and participating. Parents can multiply their efforts and their long-term impact for good by engaging their whole family in philanthropic work.

Family philanthropy projects are deposits into the character and happiness of our children. Children might only be adding pennies or small amounts of their time toward a particular cause, but don’t underestimate the priceless value of those pennies and their precious time as a generation of philanthropists is raised.

We simply can’t do good and not have it affect us for good, both inside and out. Try an experiment of your own. Next time you’re feeling depressed, afraid, victimized, or suffering from a scarcity mentality or one of your children finds themselves in one of these places, determine to reach out and help someone. Plant the seed and see for yourself what kind of fruit it bears.

In the next two months, if you haven’t yet set a tradition of philanthropy in your home, consider ways that you could and then begin. I know that your family will find the joy that comes with becoming regular philanthropists. Dr. Seuss knew what he was talking about, and your heart will grow three times as well.

Bottom line, philanthropy is good for our neighborhoods, community, and world. And it’s good for our hearts.

Want to Laugh More, Remain Calmer, and Be Happier?

If you had asked me twenty-five years ago if I had a sense of humor, I would have replied that fun and funny are not on top of my list. I don’t get jokes. I don’t see the humorous first. Getting stuff done is my thing. Being on time matters. Maintaining order is number one. I liked things and people to be a certain way. Because of this, I was easily frustrated or annoyed by situations and people, including my husband and kids.

However, a decade and a half ago, when I began speaking and teaching, I was in for a shock. I made people laugh. I am no comedian, but I said things in a way that was humorous to an audience. People assured me of this all the time. : ) I would never have guessed that there was another side to me.

The Beginning of Change

One day many years ago I was preparing to attend an event with my 11-year-old daughter, Kate. The dress was Sunday best. We were running late and being late was not an option for me! So, the stress was on to get there on time!

As we walked out to the car, I stepped off the curb into a pool of water up to my ankle. I was instantly mad!!! My foot was wet, my shoe was full of water and there wasn’t time to change. My thoughts were filled with anger and frustration. I turned those thoughts into angry, frustrated words.

As I drove down the road I complained about the water in the gutter and the inconsideration of some people who let their sprinklers run all over the place. I fussed about the foolishness of having the event at this time of day and not later, and on and on……. You can hear it, can’t you?

When we were about 6 blocks from home, for some reason I visualized myself stepping off the curb and into that gutter. I saw my shoe fill up with water and the shocked look on my face. It was such a funny picture that I began to laugh.

My poor daughter who had sat silently through the so recent tirade just stared. Then she began to laugh. When I got control of myself, I said, “That was so funny!” In her sweet voice, she replied, “Mom, I wish you had known it was funny when it happened.” That wise statement from my youngest daughter sent me on an adventure of change. I wanted to see the funny side of life more often. I wanted to be frustrated and annoyed less. I wanted to stop complaining when things weren’t as I thought they should be.

I decided all those years ago to get a grip on frustration and anger, but my resources and my knowledge were lacking, so for quite a while I made very slow progress. But I did make progress.

Twenty-One Years Later

Mary and Jack, both under five, were taking a bath. They were in the tub alone for less than 5 minutes while their dad took their clothes to the laundry. When he came back into the bathroom everything in the room which wasn’t nailed down was in the tub: scale, towels, dirty diapers, toothbrushes, soap, shampoo bottles, everything.

As Doug began fishing all the stuff out of the tub while trying to control his temper this is what he heard, “Hey dad you’re ruining my island.” How’s that for learning? How’s that for funny? I laughed and laughed. Even Doug had to laugh.

This Summer

In our garden, we have left a large patch of dirt. This is where Ben and his friends play. They are all 10 and 11. They dig huge holes and fill them with water. They make tons of mud. They bury stuff. They have a ball.

Recently the boys purloined a few eggs from the hen house and decided to put them into small holes in the ground and cover them. They wanted the covers to be light and not crush the eggs so that they could retrieve them later. Guess what they found to use?

Well, right next to this unplanted area are raised garden beds with my rhubarb and a huge pumpkin. The leaves were perfect. So, the boys picked a bunch and sniped off a few shoots. Hmmmm They turned some of the rhubarb into trees standing over the leaf-covered cavities holding the eggs. One side of the rhubarb was picked bare. Good thing it is a huge plant, as is the pumpkin. LOL

When I went out and saw their ‘work’ I did not get mad. I wasn’t frustrated. I didn’t laugh but I couldn’t help smiling at the craziness of kids. Later, Ben and I had a talk about playing but asking for Grandma’s help if leaves or other living items were needed.

This ability to remain calm and see more disasters as funny hasn’t been easy to master. I will truthfully tell you that it is a battle I still fight every day and that little 11-year-old, Kate, well she is 34. Ten years ago, I recommitted to this calmer, sillier, more fun side of myself. I had learned a great deal in the ensuing decade and a half. I was willing and able to do more to be happier; to control my responses; to manage my thoughts and stories better.

It takes work and practice to change your way of thinking and being. I still have my wet shoe days, but they are fewer than when I began this process of change all those years ago. I am not discouraged because I have taken so long to get where I am, which isn’t as far as I need to go. I am not discouraged, because I am so much better than when Kate was 11. I have made progress and I will continue to make progress.

What is required to make this type of inner change, a personality shift, if you will?

  •  Deciding you will change
  •  Knowing ‘how’ you want to be
  • Working on it consistently
  • Learning what you don’t yet understand
  • Not beating yourself up when you behave in the old way, just starting again
  • Staying the course until you get there, never becoming so discouraged that you give up

I know that if you can laugh rather than yell, feel frustrated, or cry when kids do stuff that bugs you, causes messes, or seems frankly, naughty, life will feel and look better. Learning to laugh will relieve more stress than taking a long vacation.

This work is worth the years and effort it takes because

you will like your life better. I promise!!

Deadheading

The Earth Can

Teach Us

It’s summer and so you know you are in for some parables about gardens and flowers. : ) The earth, if we are paying attention, can teach us so much symbolically, and metaphorically. Here is a lesson I was reminded of this week in my garden.

When I was a girl, we had a set of very old books in our home. They were called The John Martin Big Books. They were published in 1934, three years after my mother was born. I loved these books of very old stories. Many, if not all, taught a lesson. One such story was about two girls. Each had a flower garden. One girl shared her flowers with her friends and neighbors. She picked them for those walking by who admired them. The other girl wouldn’t pick her flowers. After all, they were hers. She loved them and she was doing all the work.

Guess who had the most long-blooming garden. Yes, the girl who shared her flowers. Later in life, I learned why this is so. If flowers are allowed to go to seed, the plant stops blooming because it has accomplished its mission. If, however, the blooms are picked, and seeds cannot form, the plant will do all it can to bloom long enough to create the seeds it was meant to produce.

Learning to Deadhead

My mother taught me to deadhead flowers, sort of like that story in my John Martin Big Book. You didn’t need to pluck each blossom and give it away, but when a bloom was finished and began to droop, you clipped off the head so that it couldn’t produce seeds.

My husband doesn’t garden but he loves gardens. We always go to the nursery together because he likes to help me pick out what is going to be planted. This year he wanted to buy a hanging basket of violas. I know how violas work and I knew that come mid-July they would stop looking beautiful and need to be replaced. But he liked them, so we bought them. I determined that from the time we bought them until they were spent, I would keep them deadheaded to help them last as long as possible.

I start on one side and I’m sure I get all the spent blooms. Then I move to the other side and every time I will see one I missed. Sometimes more than one. What happens? Why can’t I see them all from the side they are growing on? It’s because sometimes I need a different perspective. When I move to the opposite side, I can see the backside of the flowers which allows me to see blooms I couldn’t see from the front side.

The day I deadheaded my Columbines, a big flower, it was easy to see the seed pods. I wasn’t tired and had plenty of energy. The light was just right so I could see these large flowers and seed pods very well. I did a really good job on them. When I came back a couple of hours later and sat in one of the outdoor chairs, I’ll be darned if I didn’t find five seed heads that I had missed, even though I had done an excellent job the first time around.

Deadheading is a metaphor for life and family.

It’s never going to be perfect no matter how hard you try. When we can accept that, then we are free to enjoy the good job we are doing, despite the imperfections.

When we are trying to clean out our schedules, make something work in our family, improve a relationship, or work on anything that’s important it’s a lot like deadheading. You think you have cut out everything you need or can cut out. You think you have developed the perfect system to resolve a problem in your family. You are sure you have added or taken away something that will improve your relationships. You feel that you have explored all the options. Then you get a new perspective from a friend, a book, an article, a chance encounter with someone, and you see something that you have missed. You become able to jettison something in your schedule you didn’t think you could let go of, adjust a family system so it works better, or see something in the relationship that you can approach slightly differently to get a better outcome.

Good deadheading requires multiple perspectives as does running a successful life. I love deadheading because it is a quiet way of spending some alone time. So, I am focused. I’m not listening to a podcast or in any other way distracted. I move my fingers through the flowers, and I look very carefully for blooms that are spent. I’m experienced at this.

However, when I go to the other side or return to a flower bed later in the day, I know that despite my best efforts I will find spent blooms that I missed. It happens every single time. I can chalk it up as a failure to see, or that somehow, I am not paying enough attention, or I’m distracted, or that I just don’t care enough. I could allow myself to feel frustration at myself, the plant, the world, and how it works in general. I could beat myself up. I could stop enjoying this quiet, alone activity because it is never perfect. Never!

When I move to the other side of my hanging violas or walk around to the back side of my Columbines and see spent blooms or seed pods I missed I could ask myself, am I seeing these missed flowers or seeds because I finally stopped being a failure? Am I finally doing a decent job? Am I paying more attention? Am I less distracted? But I don’t allow myself to hold these feelings because all that happened was that I got a new perspective. I could see what I couldn’t see before.

As parents, when we miss something in a relationship or have a family system that we thought was perfect and it stops working, or our budget is a wreck, or we aren’t losing enough weight, or…the list goes on eternally, we can choose to berate ourselves or we can know that we are doing the best we can with what we have and go searching for what we may be missing.

Being a praying person, when I find myself at a loss as to why I am not better in some way, I begin by asking God for clarity, resources, strength, and grace. Just this week I reacted to my mom in a very unkind and childish way. I cried and told her I was sorry. Then I went to God and told him I was sorry. I asked what would cause me to respond in such a way. I sought clarity and thoughts came to my mind. I have continued to think and have received more thoughts. I am in the process of deadheading, giving away old stories and spent ways of being.

If I refrain from beating myself up for not doing something as well as I wanted to and instead seek information and resources to help me do better, then I will be given a new perspective. I will grow and in time, I will respond differently. I have lived this repeatedly and I know it’s true!

As I said, deadheading is a metaphor for life. We will fail. We will be unkind. We will miss things of importance. We will mess up in our family. It will happen. All that means is that you need a new perspective, information you do not now have. So, love yourself and your efforts. Speak kindly to yourself and extend grace as you learn and grow. Ask for help and then keep deadheading.

Your life’s garden will bloom far better and be more beautiful if you do.

Not as Bad as I Thought!

Do you ever have the feeling that your efforts aren’t good enough, even though you are giving it all you have at the time? I have and still do, occasionally.

For Example…

I have a sister who is fabulous at scrapbooking. The pages she creates are beautiful with paper flowers, butterflies, bows, wagons, trains, and other cute decorations. It makes her kids ‘stuff’ stand out and look great. I have never scrapbooked. I don’t think it was a thing until after most of my children hit their teens and some were gone from home.

I did have boxes of their stuff, each neatly labeled with their name. Everything was orderly and well cared for. I knew it was important to keep their art, crafts, papers with A’s, photographs, and awards. But I hadn’t done anything with all that stuff.

When my children were adults, I still had their stuff in boxes. Just a few years ago, I decided that for Christmas I would buy some beautiful boxes and give them their stuff as a gift. I bought the boxes and transferred their treasures into them.

It was fun watching the kids sort through their papers and get excited. “Hey, look at this. Do you remember when…” “Do you see this? Can you believe I finished? It was so hard.” “Do you remember when we all…” It was a great gift, and I knew it was a hit.

However, as time passed, I occasionally felt that I should have put all their stuff in cool scrapbooks. I mean, it had become the rage, and everyone was doing it.

The Discovery that Felt so Good!

Now remember that my youngest is 34 and my oldest is fifty-one. They have been gone from home a long time. But last month, Jodie had a beautiful scrapbook on her kitchen counter. I had made it! What!! Seeing it again, after decades, helped me remember that I had indeed, made a book for each of my children. Granted, there were no cutsie things inside, just papers, photos, certificates, etc. Everything was handwritten, nothing fancy, but there was a book!! And to that, I added a cool Christmas box years later! Go, Mom!

Here is what I know and sometimes forget, and which you may not know yet – doing something a specific way, the way another mother does it, isn’t going to matter in the long run. What we do for our family, with love, is what does and will matter to our children over the long haul. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had never made a book containing some of their stuff. They loved the Christmas box because they knew I cared about them and their memories. That is what counted and for them, it would have been enough.

If we are filled with regret or worry over all the things we didn’t or don’t do as well as another mother, we consign ourselves to living in a dim room. But as we accept our efforts, whatever they are, time will clean house and leave us in a far brighter place. The good we did will become apparent.

Scrapbooks or even saving our kids’ stuff, isn’t the defining thing in good parenting, but I hope you get my point. We can’t and won’t do everything well or the way some other mother or family does it. But our efforts will pay off in the end if we do our best and work to become better. Notice I didn’t say do better. It is far more meaningful, as our children grow if they see us become better.

This Mother’s Day I received messages from women and mothers in my family. I wasn’t a perfect parent. I made lots of mistakes. I was frequently in over my head. : ) BUT I did do my best. I gave what I had and as I cleaned out my bag of garbage, which we all have, my best became better. Please allow me to share a couple of my Mother’s Day messages and know that the feelings they shared have developed over time, as they have become women and mothers themselves.

•One thing I love most about you is this, my entire life you have always wanted to become a better person. You did things to change yourself, develop new characteristics, and find who you really are. That rubbed off on me. I really appreciate that. I always do a daily self-inventory and stay aware of where I’m at and who I am. So grateful to have developed the nature to want to do better. Thank you, Mom. I love you very much.
•We really love and appreciate you Mom and all you have done for us. (speaking of her family) I appreciate that you have taught me to pray well. I like how you said it in your last article, you are blunt with Heavenly Father, and he is blunt with you. That is an important thing to understand, that we can just say how we feel. I love you.
•Happy Mother’s Day Mom. Thank you for blessing us with so many wonderful people. Because of you, I have an amazing man in my life and an amazing baby, and it all started with you.

Speak kindly to yourself in the moment, accept your efforts, and be patient with yourself as you change and grow.

We really are doing better than we think
and time will show us this!

Chaos Reigns!

When we moved from Montana to Utah we helped our daughter purchase her first home. We lived in that home with her for a while. Then she married, and we moved two blocks away. Not long after that Maggie, our granddaughter with CP, was born.

After a few years, Jodie’s family needed a more handicapped-accessible home, and voila, we were eight people in a smallish 3-bedroom apartment. This was a precursor to living with them, in a three-generation home, which was a precursor to living in a four-generation home when we added my mom. From this article, you will know that when we made these life-altering decisions, we didn’t do it blindly. LOL

Chaos Reigns!

Tonight, I cooked dinner with a baby riding on my hip and a three-year-old helping me brown onions and hamburger on the stove for “jelly” sauce (spaghetti sauce). It was a bit cumbersome trying to keep three-year-old Mary out of harm’s way while allowing her to help and carrying Ben, who was grabbing for everything he could reach from my hip.

I did all this while trying not to step on anything that would send me crashing to the floor, seeing that the almost one-year-old Ben had emptied the utensil drawer, the reason he was now riding on my hip. LOL

I could hear Jack, the four-year-old making lots of noise from the living room, so Ben, Mary, and I went to see what was up. He was running his trucks through the maze laid out in a random pattern on practically every square inch of the living room floor. All’s well here, back to the “jelly” sauce.

Meanwhile, the six-year-old was yelling for help with her iPad. Maggie has cerebral palsy and has a way of letting us all know when her iPad is not cooperating with her limited hand movement. Right now, she was letting me know…loudly.

“Jelly” sauce simmering, noodles boiling, and Mary slopping melted garlic butter on a tower of French bread. I heard her say, oops, never a good sign. Seems as if some of the garlic butter has found its way down her chest and onto the fabric-covered chairs. No problem, just mixing with the strawberry ice cream drops from the night before.

I pop the garlic bread into the oven to broil and head to the sink to drain the noodles. Ben is trying to crawl up my leg and I notice the sink is full of cups. I set the strainer on the cups. It will be ok as they aren’t washed yet. I dump the noodles. The cups are not stable, and the strainer tips. I grab HOT noodles as many slide down the drain. Then I smell scorched bread. Our garlic toast is going to be a bit crisper and darker than I had planned.

I holler to Jack, “Go tell Grandpa that grandma needs him…NOW!” I am 63 with a 64-year-old husband and three years ago our youngest child got married and left home. This was after 39 years of in-house parenting.

So how did I get into this predicament?

My daughter and son-in-law and four grandchildren have come to live for a while, a few weeks, or months, while their home sells and another comes into their lives. It makes for tight quarters in our three-bedroom apartment.

Frankly, the last few days have been a lot like raising our seven children in our 100-year-old home in Small Town Montana, chaos, noise, mess, spills, crying, laughing, fun, not so fun….

I am reminded that it isn’t easy being a parent. Life isn’t what we thought it would be when we married and started having kids. It has been quite a bit more challenging and messier than we anticipated…a bit like the last few days.

But oh, my goodness, it has

been worth it!!!

P.S. Over a decade has passed since this article was written. It hasn’t gotten easier BUT it is more than worth it!!