Author: Mary Ann Johnson

What it Looks Like to ‘See’ Another and Why It Matters

This week, I had an experience that brought to mind the importance of letting our kids know, daily, that we see them and that they matter. It brought back many memories of families I have worked with, parents I have mentored, and the huge impact I’ve seen when moms and dads learn to ‘see’ their kids during the mundane moments of every day.

A universal human need is to matter, especially to those we love. We can all satisfy this need for others, especially in our families, in simple ways. When our children or others we cross paths with feel seen, it builds confidence and strengthens a sense of self-worth. It brings moments of joy. But what does it mean to see someone? I experienced this kind of ‘seeing’ this week.

MY EXPERIENCE

Don takes radiation treatments, and so for almost six weeks, we will be at the hospital every weekday morning. When we arrive, we pull into the valet parking lane, I get Don’s walker out, help my mom, and then we make our way into the hospital while someone parks our car. When we’re finished, we get our keys, and a sweet valet volunteer takes them and heads out to retrieve our car.

The night before this experience, we had our first frost. The next morning, leaves were falling like rain from all the trees. When we returned for our car, the valet lane was filled with leaves, and a young man was blowing them out of the road onto the lawn. However, there were so many cars that he had to keep stopping and waiting. They parked our car in the lane that is usually reserved for those who are loaded and ready to leave. Again, he had to stop. He didn’t seem frustrated, which amazed me. When we got to our car, I turned towards him, smiled, and said, “I’m sorry you have to wait for us.” He returned my smile and responded with, “That’s Ok. Not a problem.” Then I busied myself getting Mom and the walker into the car. As I prepared to enter our vehicle, I heard this young man holler, “You have a good day!” What? I turned, smiled, and told him to do the same. He had kept us in his sight for a few extra minutes so he could wish us well as we drove off. I can tell you, I felt seen.

This experience touched me so much that I did a U-turn and went back. I parked and walked to where he was. I told him that I appreciated his taking notice. I told him I was a writer and wanted to share this experience with my readers because when we ‘see’ each other, it matters. He was willing to let me take a picture of us. He was all smiles and told me I was special. I could tell from his face that he felt special, too.

Can you see the simplicity of this moment and its value? This is what can and needs to happen in families multiple times a day. 

How can that be done?

It requires that we take time as we move through our day to ‘see’ our children. If possible, say goodbye at the door when they leave. Smile and say, “Glad you’re home,” when they return. Touch an arm and smile as you pass in the hall. No words needed. Pat the back of a child doing the dishes or folding laundry, then go on your way. Give a word of encouragement and a smile to someone doing their homework. Look in a bedroom door of someone cleaning their room and smile encouragement or say, “You’re doing a good job.” If your child is sitting on the couch watching TV, sit by them, pat a knee, and smile. Then get up and go. Rub a back while sitting at church or while waiting at an appointment. The list goes on. This works even with teens.

IT’S A PRACTICE

Each of these interactions takes less than a minute and can be done all day long if we understand their value. It isn’t just about being nice. It isn’t about being a parent. It’s about letting another person know that they’re seen and that they matter.

This is a practice. The more you do it, the better you get and the more seen your kids feel.

Five Principles of Power – Principle 5

Today, let’s look at the fifth Principle of Power. I love all five principles; they all matter, but this seems to be the most challenging to implement. Many of us fly by the seat of our pants. Don and I did that in our marriage and family life for many years, and we paid a price; our family paid a price. Things go better, even if they don’t go exactly as we envisioned, when we have a plan. This is true in our goals, family discipline, maintaining loving relationships, having workable family systems, engaging in family activities, managing school, meals, chores, and so forth.

Principle 5

Plan ahead. Taking time to think about your family, your children’s needs, your personal goals, and all the things I listed above is one of the keys to success. It doesn’t take hours. What it takes is thinking and pondering regularly, making decisions, and then following through. If you’re thinking about a road trip, vacation, or a career, then planning is an obvious necessity. However, this applies just as well in our families. Whenever we engage as a family, it requires some planning. The principle of regular planning helps families manage better.

Part of planning is observing how your family operates. What interests your kids? What holidays are coming up? How’s school going, whether you use the public or private system, or homeschool? What’s happening in the world, and how is it impacting your family? As we think and observe, we come up with ideas on how to engage with our family. Then we plan, so we have success.

Try this:

Have a thirty-minute brainstorming session with your husband once a week or even once a month. What do you want your children to be exposed to, to know about? What have you heard them talk about in the last week, or what have they seemed to enjoy or struggle with? How are you doing with your current plan of discipline? What’s coming up that you might want your family to participate in? As you focus on watching and thinking, ideas will come about ways you can help your children manage what’s happening around them and ways your family can learn together, work together, and enjoy being together.

Another idea:

Have a weekly family council. See what your kids are worried about or interested in. What ideas do they have? What plans would they like to see developed in your family? What’s working in your home systems and what isn’t? How can that be adjusted?

Can a Simple Family Activity Trump Disneyland?

I worked with families daily for over a decade. I talked to children and their parents. I learned from these interactions that structured time, consistency, simplicity, planning, and parents remaining present make everything more special. This specialness trumps whatever the activity is.

When I was writing my book Becoming a Present Parent, I asked my children, their spouses, and some of their friends what the most meaningful things were they did in their family when they were growing up; what captured their hearts and remained with them into adulthood. I discovered that when we observe these five principles, even the most ordinary events become special. A daily family walk, playing together on the beach, or a camping trip can be as meaningful as a trip to Disneyland. What? You don’t believe me, do you? Check out the note I received from my daughter-in-law.

Kendra said, “Another thing I’ll always cherish from my childhood was the time my parents spent with me outdoors, going to the beach, hiking, fishing, swimming, and letting me be a kid. It was something we often did because it didn’t cost much, but to me it was the greatest thing ever. In fact, one time my dad took me to Disneyland, and I asked him if we could leave and go to the beach. I look back on that now and think that must have both surprised him and probably made him wish he had saved all that money. I’m so grateful my parents taught me to cherish experiences and nature over money and things.”

Kendra’s parents thought about what they wanted for their family. They planned how they could afford time together and how to make it happen consistently. They set aside time and kept their activities simple. They were present during these activities. Wise planning made the activity happen, and their children feel special!

These five principles are non-negotiable if you want consistent success in your family work and activities. In my experience, with all types of children and families, when you plan for what you want, structure time together, keep your plan simple and consistent, make the ordinary special, and remain emotionally and mentally present, you will be successful every time, even if all doesn’t go as planned.

Healthy family relationships and meaningful experiences are created when we set aside time, remain present, plan regularly, and keep things simple so consistency is maintained, and it feels special.

Five Principles of Power – Principles 3 and 4

Recently, I wrote about principles that I consider powerful for a healthier and happier family life. Last week, we delved into principles one and two. Today, I will share information and examples on principles three and four.

As I said last week, as you internalize these principles, you will see greater success in all parts of your life. This is a promise I can make based on my own experience.

Principle 3

Make it special. When we want someone to look forward to something, we make it special. We do this at weddings, birthdays, and on holidays. But it’s just as important in our daily family activities. Let me share an example from my own life.

I recall a trip we made from Idaho to Utah. We were moving, and Mom was driving us to meet our dad at the new home. She had all nine of her kids in the car. My two sisters and I were in the very back of our station wagon. (No seatbelts in those days.). I was fourteen, Cindy was 13, and Shirley was twelve. Old enough to behave, right? At one point, we were so bored that we began fighting. My mom yelled repeatedly from the driver’s seat for us to stop because we were riling up the other kids. After a lengthy time, Mom pulled over, raced to the back of the car, popped the window open, and reached for us. We, however, were scrunched up at the back of the middle seat, and she couldn’t reach us. She told us in no uncertain terms to stop fighting and remain calm, that we were almost there. Then she got back in the driver’s seat. I will never forget what happened next. I looked at my sisters, they looked at me, we smiled mischievously, and went at it again. I know, we were being naughty on purpose, but we were bored!

I learned something from that experience that helped me when I traveled with our seven kids: make it special! I learned even more as I watched my husband. Don knew how to do this well. On any trip he planned, he would insert one or two stops at city parks. Everyone got out for fifteen minutes, and then we hit the road. At first, this drove me nuts. I mean, we needed to get where we were going. Over time, I saw how helpful this was for our children. They loved our trips and looked forward to the short stops. Don knew how to make it special.

I had a different way of accomplishing this. I would make goodie bags and hand them out at the beginning of the trip. They contained homemade treats and cheap toys or books from the dollar store. In our day, that was the town drug store. : ) Sometimes, rather than a goodie bag, I would have a bin of books, games, cards, coloring materials, etc. that I kept just for road trips. They weren’t brought out at any other time. We also had a few car games, and we often sang as a family. Yes, my kids liked that. Here is the key – what isn’t always available is special when it is available.

This idea of making it special applies to many things, such as going to church, doing chores, or bedtime. Really? Yes. I have a special bag that goes to church with me. When the grands are reverent, they get to pick a treat out of the bag. I’ve been using this bag for over ten years, and although all the grands are now teens and don’t need the bag to be reverent, they enjoy getting it anyway. It’s become a once-a-week tradition. : ) Maybe you have special books that are only used at church. Whatever isn’t always available feels special.

Even chores can be made special. After Saturday chores, have a simple treat. As each child or teen finishes their assigned items, they can have a treat, no waiting on others. You could have a ten-minute dance party just before everyone goes off to do chores or even gather when everyone is done. Laughter, smiles, and treats can make even the most arduous or mundane thing special.

And what about bedtime? I’ve learned that even bedtime can be more stress-free when it’s special. My grands in Washington were notorious for not going to bed, and when in bed, calling out over and over again. When I visited, I instituted something special. I would sit by the bed and ask two questions: What was the hardest thing that happened today? What was the best thing that happened today? They would each get to answer the question, and we talked about it. They loved this. When we were done, each was to lie still, close their eyes, and breathe. I would sit there for another ten minutes while they complied. By then, they were usually asleep.

Another simple way to make bedtime special is by giving each child just three minutes to hug, cuddle, or talk. Then say goodnight and move to the next bed or room. I’ve had parents tell me that doing this one simple thing has made a difference for their kids because it makes bedtime special.

Principle 4

Keep it simple. As in the above examples, while working on making things special, we need to remember to keep it simple. When we make things hard, expensive, time-consuming, or too costly, the activity usually dies a slow death. We had a weekly family night. There was prayer, a story, and a simple activity. We ended with a treat of some kind. This was a family activity suggested by our church. As we went along, many members of our congregation began making this simple family home evening a big deal. Bigger treats. More challenging activities. More resources were required. I found myself letting it slide because I didn’t have the time or energy for all the preparation. I felt that if I wasn’t doing all the ‘stuff’ other families were doing, my kids would feel ours was lame. What was lame was that we stopped doing a fun thing that brought our family together. Eventually, we returned to simpler content, and it returned to a weekly event.

Here is a cool idea a friend had for her children’s bookshelves. She would periodically remove books and add in books that had been removed months earlier. This kept her children’s interest in the books because they felt new. She wasn’t constantly having to buy books or go to the library. This also got her kids to engage with books that they ordinarily wouldn’t have read. It helped make their family reading time more exciting.

Sometimes you’ll have an activity that you think is special, but your kids don’t, and it isn’t as successful as you hoped. That is OK. Get your ego out of the way. Try another activity next week or new items in the car for the next long drive. Be willing to experiment.

I did some work for a woman who taught me a profound lesson. Her closet was so neat, and I asked her how she managed it. She replied that if she bought something, then she had to give something away. This simple ‘rule’ that she had for herself kept her whole home in far better order. She had learned to keep it simple.

We can expand this idea to many areas of our lives. Take a vacation, for example. Don’t overload it. A few activities, well thought out and engaged in, beat a schedule that wears everyone out and leads to misbehaving, irritation, and contention.

When we add a new commitment to our calendar, we should remove something else. One of the great tragedies for families is that we are so “booked” that we do not have time for one another; we cannot enjoy one another. Running from one thing to the next until we are totally worn out is a good way to miss our family life, which is really the life we want. When we keep things simple and consistent, our results skyrocket.

We want to have a real connection in our family. We want peace and calm as often as we can manage it. We want activities that bond us together.

This all happens best as we make things special in simple and sustainable ways.

Five Principles of Power – Principles 1 and 2

I love the Five Principles of Power (formerly the Five Rules of Engagement). I didn’t have them fully formed in my mind when I began working with parents and helping them connect with their children. I just knew what children needed: to learn well, connect, and thrive.

In the beginning, I connected the principles with education, as I worked with families who homeschooled. As I have transitioned to working with all families, regardless of how they educate, I have witnessed the power these principles have in not only learning, but in family systems, relationships, communities, etc. They are powerful when planning and executing activities, cooking together, sharing new ideas, adjusting family systems, doing chores, yard work, gardening, etc. When you utilize these principles, children will engage better in whatever you are doing.

The Five Principles of Power

1. Structure time and be consistent
2. Be present
3. Make it special
4. Keep it simple
5. Plan ahead

Last week, I shared how principles 1 and 2 helped me commit to and become successful in learning to meditate. Today, we will dive deeper. Then, in the next few weeks, we will learn more about the other principles. As you internalize these principles, you will see greater success in all parts of your life. This is a promise I can make based on my own experience. 

Principle 1

Structure time and be consistent. In other words, show up regularly. For anything to happen in life,  we must carve out time for it and then make a commitment to that time; we have to be consistent. It’s also helpful to understand that although we structure time so that the things that matter happen, we need to be flexible with what happens during that time.

  • If you homeschool, you structure a time for learning.
  • You might structure how Sundays are spent in your home.
  • It could be family time on a given day or evening.
  • You might structure what you want to see happen in the car while on a long trip.
  • It might be a plan for the days of a vacation.
  • It’s important to structure time and be consistent anytime your family comes together for a specific purpose.

Be Flexible With Content

On a vacation, you may all be doing the same thing, but there’s still flexibility. One child may choose to record the family trip in a journal, another may choose to take photographs, and another may not record anything at all. On a long car trip, parents may have audiobooks for the family to choose from. The family may sing songs together, but not chide the one who just listens. The point is the trip was planned, and then happened. The time was honored, but the content was flexible.

What If Something Goes Wrong

I received an email from a mom who took one of my classes, where I introduced the five principles. She returned home and structured time for family activities, but everyone came down with colds. She shelved the family time for a week, hoping all would soon be well and they could start again.

I raised seven children, and I know what it’s like when everyone feels poorly. However, when creating a truly magical and amazing family culture, structured time and consistency matter. So how do we keep to that structure when things aren’t going well, as in the case of a family with a cold?

My suggestion is to hold true to the time. If you have a once-a-week family evening activity, do it, but modify it. Gather your children around you. Have pillows and blankets, and people resting on the carpet. Give everyone a glass of juice or hot chocolate. Smile while drinking. Have a few moments of small talk or a prayer. Then call it good. The point is to be consistent, to honor the time. It allows your children to depend on it, to understand that family activities matter.

Illness isn’t the only thing that will challenge you as you work to honor time set aside for family. There will be days when you have made more commitments than you can manage. We all do it occasionally. When that happens, gather your children together, have everyone share a joke, eat a treat, and call it good. The kids may not like ending early, as they tend to come to love and depend on family time, but something is better than nothing, and they know it. Consistency counts.

Whatever you do as a family, honor it. Consider it sacred time with your children, so they know you can be counted on to follow through.

Principle 2

Be present. Being present means you’re engaged with your children; you’re in the same space with them physically, mentally, and emotionally. It doesn’t mean getting them settled and then going off to do your own thing. It means being together. You learn together, play together, work together, and have fun together. When you’re present, it helps with management and order. It does not, however, mean micromanaging everyone’s activity or efforts.

Being present is a gift to whomever we give it to. It’s listening without texting, answering the phone, checking email, or watching the TV out of the corner of our eye. Being present is being all ears and eyes for what’s happening now. Children and teens feel more secure and happy when parents are present.

Who Will This Work For

These principles apply whether you have toddlers, young children, teens, older adults, or even if your family consists of three older people. : ) Each day at lunch, we have a family activity – we listen to something that will enlighten and lift us. It’s easy to become distracted and miss most of the audio. It’s also easy to forget to do it. However, when we allow this to happen, after a day or two, one of us will say, “Hey, shouldn’t we listen to something?” Doing this as a family matters, and understanding the power of consistency helps it happen more regularly.

We also have an activity we do every Tuesday. It isn’t always easy to get up, dressed, and into the car, but we have been very consistent for over three years.

Then hip surgeries happened. We stopped doing the activity because we physically couldn’t get in the car or drive. Now we have healed enough to resume this activity, but it’s been hard to get back on the wagon. This is another reason that structuring time and then honoring that time, consistently, matters; picking it up again can be hard, and often you won’t.

When we set aside time to be with our family, whether it’s daily, weekly, or even monthly, and then make it happen consistently, it builds a sense of trust that blesses us far beyond the activity itself. When children can trust that we care and they matter, they are freer to come to us when they’re in need.

So, structure time and then show up consistently. It will bless your family.

From the Archive – Two Principles of Power: Show Up & Stay Present

Two Principles of Power

A mother who attended one of my classes in the early days of my teaching career mentioned that because what I taught was based on principles, she could go home and put it right to work. A principle is a fundamental truth that we can build on. There are five principles I have focused on in my life and career that determine success, or mediocrity, and failure in our efforts. In the beginning, I called them the Five Rules of Engagement. Today, I call them the Five Principles of Power. These five principles help us achieve greater success in our family interactions, relationships, communities, personal learning, and growth. I will share all five next week, but today I am focusing on the first two because I have a story I want to share: 1. Structure time & be consistent, or in other words, show up, and then 2. Remain Present.

Over the years, I’ve had many opportunities to practice these principles and prove their efficacy. A decade and a half ago, I decided to learn to meditate. Because of my penchant for movement, meditation was not easy for me to master. At times, I was challenged to keep my commitment to the practice of meditation. I had a friend helping me remain accountable, and I sometimes didn’t want to keep my commitments to her. This was partly because I didn’t feel I was making much progress.

She Hit the Nail On the Head

During this learning time, my friend sent me an email (I have adjusted it slightly for this article) that I want to share. It wasn’t easy to read. When we know something well and teach others, we want to believe we have it down. But that isn’t always the truth. Knowing and doing are two sides of a coin. She said, “Sticking with meditating daily is your commitment to a peaceful heart and life. You tell families that structured time is vital. You tell them they must show up and be present during that structured time. The same principle works here. If you show up as you said you would, the blessings come. Meditation is your personal structured time commitment. And you know that the magic cannot be preplanned, it happens when you show up.”

She hit the nail on the head. It is about showing up and staying present. It didn’t matter if I thought my daily meditation was successful or not. If I showed up and remained present, it was successful! That was a tall order for me, as I have said. At the time, I had a busy life. I was working full-time and building a teaching/mentoring career on the side. When I woke up I didn’t have a cup of herbal tea, and let my body adjust to its new state of awakeness. I didn’t stop to fix my hair unless I knew I was going somewhere that day. I would run a brush through it and say, “That’ll do.” My husband has often said that I am like a firefighter; the bell rings and I am up, dressed, and on the move in 30 seconds flat. So, sitting quietly for eight full minutes was a KILLER. And then to stay present with the meditating, to mentally nod at the thoughts that were pounding in my brain to be heard and gently usher them out without focusing on them, WOW, that was a tall order. Some days I wanted to say, “NO!”

She was also correct about the magic that comes when you show up and stay present. It cannot be planned, it just happens. Years ago, I shared the experience of a mom who let her kids make a snow swamp, which morphed into a volcano creation, which wound itself into the color wheel and creating colors, which led to colored toast art, and then flung itself into a soda fountain and counting change? That was a magical day for her and her kids. This magical family moment happened because the mom showed up and remained present.

The Results of Committing to Showing Up and Remaining Present

Back in May of 2010, I finally fully committed myself to show up and remain Present for 8 minutes of quiet meditation a day. I sat on a stool in my kitchen every morning, sometimes as early as 5am, to make it happen. I was reading the book Eight Minute Meditation by Victor Davich. With the book’s help, every week I practiced a new meditation. I finally found the one that worked the best for me, and as I said, I continued my kitchen meditation for several years. Then I made a change. I stopped meditating during the day and did it at bedtime. I have now used this tool every night for thirteen years. It’s made a difference in my level of peace. I go to sleep in less than 15 minutes, no matter how jumbled or troubled the day. I sleep better. I wake more refreshed. I have shown up and remained present, and I have reaped the rewards of doing so for over a decade and a half.

Remember that 90% of success is just showing up and remaining present. These principles always apply. They applied to my meditation, regardless of how I chose to do it. They apply to magical family moments, healthy relationships, successful home management, personal learning, and growth, etc.

So, choose to show up and remain present. It’s a choice.

Learning Play – Creating a Rain Stick

The Spark

I was watching Jack, almost 3, and Mary, who was 10 months old. It was getting crazy. I was trying to write an article and keep the Christmas Tree from tipping over for the third time that day. I began asking myself, “What can I get Jack interested in?” We have a large rain stick in the living room, so I got it out.

Jack was fascinated. He tipped it upside down many times to hear it “rain”. I asked him if he knew how the rain stick worked. He didn’t. So, I used my fingers to explain how there were crossed spines inside and small seeds. When the seeds hit the spines, they made the sound. I could see he was a bit confused.

Figuring It Out

“Jack, do you know what a cactus is?” “No?” “I’ll bet we can find one on the computer.” (I didn’t have any books on cacti in my library.) We went to the computer and pulled up some pictures of cacti. I explained that when the cactus dies, the arms can be made into rain sticks before they dry. I showed him some cacti with long spines and explained that the spines are pushed into the dead cactus. We got our rain stick, and I was able to let him feel the ends of the spines in the stick.

With Jack on one knee and Mary on the other, we googled making a rain stick. The first thing up was a video series showing how to make a rain stick from a cardboard tube. We watched the video on how to choose a tube. We watched how to insert the spines, which were made of nails, pins, or toothpicks. We watched the first part on covering the tube ends, and finished off with the video on what to put inside.

Jack was fascinated and watched all the videos. He didn’t get bored or wiggly. I helped him stay tuned in by having mini-conversations. “Look, Jack, there are three lengths of tubes. Which size would you choose?” “Hey, look, she is using nails and a hammer. You would like to hammer nails, I bet.” “See those toothpicks, they would make a really different sound.” It went on and on, and he was fully engaged with how it was done. (The hardest part so far was keeping Mary’s hands busy and off the keyboard!)

Creating Our Rainstick

“You know what, Jack, I’ll bet we can make a rain stick.” “Yeahhhhh”, he said. We pulled out our really great junk box and found a long tube that we thought might work. I handed it to Jack, he put it up to his eye and said, “Hey, it’s my looker looker”; so much for the rain stick. LOL

We took our tube, some straight pins, and duct tape to the kitchen. Jack was content to watch me make the rain stick. He tried pushing in a pin, but decided it hurt his thumb. We talked about dead cacti, thorny spines, and rain sticks while I pushed in pins and taped on an end. Jack chose red lentils and rice to put inside.

He was interested in how the spines looked from the inside of the tube. He understood now what I had been showing him with my fingers, and he showed it back to me. Then I taped the other end and covered the whole thing with duct tape. A rain stick is normally covered with paper or cloth and then painted or decorated, but I wanted to be sure those pesky pins didn’t come out.

Jack excitedly turned it over. It didn’t “rain”. There was just a spattering thunk. Hmmmmm. He tried it a few times. Then he looked at me and, with a serious face, said, “It’s too little,” (meaning short). He had figured out that there was no rain sound because the tube was too short. Amazing! Aren’t children smart?

I told him that we could construct a rain stick out of three toilet paper tubes taped together. He was all for that and rummaged in the junk box for the tubes. Then his enthusiasm waned. He and Mary busied themselves with trucks on the living room carpet while I taped the tubes together. Then I called Jack in and told him I was going to use toothpicks this time and showed him how it would work. Then he was off again to Mary and the trucks. I finished the tube and called Jack in to put the rice inside. I finished taping the ends and covered them with duct tape. Then I called Jack, and he gave it a try. His face beamed when it “rained.”

When his mom returned home, he showed her the rain stick, and I explained about the dead cactus. She said, “Jack knows about cacti. Remember the story about the boy and his bottom.” A wide grin spread over Jack’s face as he recalled the Dr. Seuss story about a boy who sat on a cactus. Now it all came together in his mind.

It was a great time and took only about forty minutes from start to finish; just a mere 40 minutes, and Jack learned so much and had a lot of fun. Then I went back to my article, and Jack and Mary played with the trucks till their mom got home.

Helping children LOVE learning is about catching a spark from a child (in this case, seeing Jack’s interest in the rain stick), then responding.

Learning play doesn’t require a great amount of time, expensive supplies, or a perfect result to be worth it. So, play and learn!

Smarter Moves: Budget-Friendly Home Buying Tips for Families of Children with Special Needs

Image: Pexels

My friend, Laura Pearson, is helping me out this week. I am still in recovery from my surgery. I am doing well, but sitting at the computer can be challenging. : ) We were discussing Special Needs Parenting, and Laura wrote an article that she is letting me share with you.

Most of you know that I live in a four-generation home. What caused that to happen almost fifteen years ago was my granddaughter, Maggie. She was born with severe cerebral palsy, which requires a lot of one-on-one care. It finally made sense to live together rather than having our daughter, Jodie, call for help and us driving to give it.

We began by sharing a regular home. We lived in the basement apartment, and all the kids, except Maggie, could come and go as they pleased. We put in a ramp to make getting Maggie’s wheelchair in and out of the home possible. But as Maggie grew, our ability to move her by carrying her diminished; she needed a wheelchair that she could drive. That would require a far different home than we had. The hunt began.

Finding a home when you have a special needs child can be daunting, as we found out. We experienced some of the pitfalls Laura mentions – a very costly overhaul for one. The bathroom, with a special needs shower and ceiling track, cost $10,000. Buying a home for special needs is like buying a radius. Almost ten years after moving here, we now have a 40-minute round-trip drive to get Maggie to school each day, or put her on the bus for a 1 hr. and 15-minute drive at 7 am. Making sure that the foundational issues are managed, rather than the cosmetic, is vital. One year into our lives here, we discovered some serious electrical issues and could have lost our home and lives in a fire.

I know that the information Laura presents is useful. You may not have a special needs child, but you may know someone who does. It may not be cerebral palsy, but could be autism, a mental illness, ADHD, or any number of other issues. The family might not be moving now, but may in the future, as we did. Share this with them to prepare for what may come. They will thank you. : )

Smarter Moves: Budget-Friendly Home Buying Tips for Families of Children with Special Needs

Buying a home while raising a child with special needs isn’t just a financial transaction—it’s an emotional recalibration. There’s the pressure to get it right the first time, the looming costs, and the logistical minefield of changing environments while preserving your child’s stability. Every square foot starts to carry extra weight: Can your child move safely here? Will routines hold up? And will the next crisis be mechanical—or medical? If it already feels like your brain’s buffering, you’re not alone. But affordable doesn’t have to mean reckless, and thoughtful doesn’t have to mean out-of-budget. These tips aim to keep your wallet and your family steady through the move.

Define What “Needs” Actually Means in Your World

Not every “must-have” is universal—especially when your child’s well-being drives the list. Safety rails, one-story layouts, low-noise neighborhoods, or predictable lighting might matter more than modern finishes or a bigger yard. Take the time to think about what’s non-negotiable for your family’s stability, then ruthlessly prioritize. Don’t assume everything can be fixed later; some changes are more costly or disruptive than they seem. Accessibility decisions made now can prevent stressful overhauls down the road. Treat this step like an insurance policy against misalignment and future regret.

Map Your Location Around Daily Life, Not Just Price

Yes, the sticker price matters—but what will commuting to therapy twice a week really cost you? Or access to specialists, schools with IEP support, or even a local grocery store that doesn’t involve a meltdown-inducing drive? Price should be filtered through proximity. A “cheaper” house an hour away from services may end up being more expensive in time, gas, and stress. You’re not just buying a house—you’re buying a radius. So think of your budget as something that includes emotional energy, not just dollars.

Buy When the Market’s Not Buzzing

If you have any control over your move timing, lean into the lulls. Spring and summer are when demand peaks—meaning higher prices, tighter timelines, and fiercer bidding wars. In contrast, slower seasons tend to shift negotiating power to the buyer. Sellers are often more flexible during the fall and winter, especially if they’re trying to close before year’s end. That flexibility can translate into closing cost credits, lower asking prices, or extra time to move in. Patience during the quiet months can buy you more than just square footage.

Don’t Fear Dated Wallpaper—Fear a Bad Foundation

A stained carpet or faded paint might make a place feel uninviting, but those are the easy fixes. What you don’t want is a home that hides plumbing nightmares, electrical time bombs, or structural mysteries. You’ll save money—often thousands—by looking past aesthetics and identifying homes that are sound but need surface-level updates. Cosmetic updates are low-lift and low-risk. By contrast, bad bones drain your energy, time, and finances. Remember: minor flaws rarely interfere with livability.

Protect Your Investment with a Home Warranty

The first year in a new house is always full of surprises—some more expensive than others. Investing in a home warranty can provide peace of mind, especially when your budget is stretched and your mental bandwidth is low. A home warranty is a customizable annual plan that covers repair or replacement of essential home systems and appliances, helping you manage breakdowns caused by normal wear and tear. This might help families already juggling complex needs, as having coverage in place reduces the pressure of unexpected repairs. Because the last thing you need during a transition is a broken furnace and a four-figure repair bill.

Look Into Financial Aid That’s Just for You

If you haven’t searched for assistance programs in your area, it’s time to start digging. There are grants and funds specifically designed for families caring for children with disabilities—many of which go underused. Depending on your state or locality, you might qualify for down payment help, home modification grants, or even relocation stipends. These aren’t gimmicks—they’re real supports built for situations like yours. These programs can offset homeownership costs, even if your income doesn’t fall into traditional aid brackets. Don’t assume you’re not eligible until you check.

Streamline the Move with Services that Cater to Special Needs

Moving day isn’t just boxes and trucks—it’s a sensory overload waiting to happen. For families with special needs, even minor disruptions can cascade into meltdowns or missed medications. That’s why hiring movers or organizers who understand accessibility, communication styles, and emotional safety can make a huge difference. These pros know how to pack critical items last, label everything clearly, and recreate essential routines as quickly as possible. It’s not about pampering—it’s about preventing breakdowns that cost time, money, and emotional recovery. Think of it as paying for continuity, not just convenience.

Home buying for families of children with special needs comes with its own equation—one that balances cost, chaos, and care. Every decision can feel weighted, but that pressure can lead to sharper choices rather than hasty ones. By focusing on livability instead of luxury, support instead of space, and rhythm instead of rush, you can keep the process grounded. Affordability isn’t just about the price tag—it’s about how a home functions in the life you’re building.

With the right safeguards in place, your move doesn’t have to derail your stability. It can reinforce it.

Ready to transform your relationships and embrace more connection with your family? Subscribe now to receive insights from Mary Ann Johnson and take the first step toward becoming a more present parent.

Nurturing Leadership Skills in Children: Parent-Led Approaches

Image by Freepic

Today, I’m sharing an article written by my friend, Laura Pearson. I’ve watched my daughter, Jodie, do much of what Laura has shared in this well-written article, so I can appreciate the value of the counsel. I know this information will be helpful to both you and your children. Enjoy. : )

Leadership isn’t reserved for boardrooms or political arenas—it’s a skill set that can begin forming in the sandbox, the classroom, and the kitchen table. Parents hold a unique position to influence this growth, helping their children learn how to inspire others, take responsibility, and navigate challenges with confidence. By embedding leadership opportunities into everyday life, you can set your child on a path toward self-assured, compassionate decision-making. Below are a handful of approaches that blend warmth, guidance, and practical skill-building.

Encourage Initiative and Exploration

Kids often need permission to take the first step toward independence. That could be proposing a new family game night, organizing their school supplies in a way that works for them, or even trying a recipe without help. Letting kids make decisions safely builds their sense of agency while allowing you to provide a safety net. The goal isn’t to shield them from every challenge, but to create opportunities where their choices have visible outcomes—good or bad—so they can learn to weigh options, predict consequences, and adapt. These low-risk leadership opportunities help them grow more confident.

Demonstrating Leadership Through Continued Education

One of the most impactful ways to teach leadership is to demonstrate that growth is a continuous process. Enrolling in various nursing bachelor’s degree options not only opens doors for your own career but also sends a clear message to children about the importance of dedication and self-improvement. Balancing coursework with family and professional responsibilities models perseverance, strategic planning, and the ability to prioritize effectively. It shows that leaders are willing to challenge themselves, adapt, and commit to long-term goals. When kids watch a parent work hard to achieve something meaningful, they learn that leadership is as much about action as it is about aspiration.

Embrace imperfection and accountability

Many children equate leadership with being flawless. In reality, good leaders are willing to acknowledge mistakes and learn from them. If your child forgets to bring their homework home or mishandles a group project, resist the urge to rescue them immediately. Instead, focus on talking openly about mistakes with empathy—yours and theirs. Sharing a time you made an error, how you fixed it, and what you learned reinforces the idea that accountability is a strength, not a weakness. This approach normalizes imperfection, helping them see that growth often happens in the recovery process.

Foster Resilience Through Real Ventures

Nothing builds resilience quite like pursuing a challenging goal in the real world. Encourage your child to test their skills outside of home and school, whether through a bake sale, a neighborhood dog-walking service, or a charity fundraiser. When you support young entrepreneurs’ real ventures, you help them develop persistence, creativity, and the ability to troubleshoot under pressure. Even small projects can teach budgeting, customer service, and time management—all vital leadership skills.

Build Communication, Teamwork, and Critical Thinking

Leadership isn’t just about making decisions; it’s also about working well with others and thinking clearly under pressure. Sports teams, school clubs, and volunteer projects all offer ways in which teamwork strengthens communication skills.  These experiences train them to lead by collaboration, fostering an environment where everyone feels heard and valued.

Allow Choice and Agency Without Fear of Failure

One of the hardest but most valuable lessons for young leaders is that failure isn’t final—it’s feedback. Whether picking a science fair topic or organizing a small group activity, let them own the process. Letting children learn from failure builds resilience and encourages them to take thoughtful risks. Your role is to guide reflection afterward, helping them identify what worked, what didn’t, and what they’d try differently.

Nurturing leadership in children doesn’t require grand gestures or specialized programs. It’s about weaving responsibility, agency, and empathy into the fabric of everyday life. By modeling strong values, encouraging initiative, embracing mistakes, supporting real-world challenges, fostering teamwork, and allowing room for failure, you equip your child with skills they’ll carry into every stage of life.

Leadership, after all, begins at home—one choice, one conversation, and one opportunity at a time.

Discover transformative insights and practical tips for busy parents at Mary Ann Johnson Coach, where meaningful conversations and learning experiences await!

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A Series of Conversations – The Dissolution of a Story

As I’ve mentioned before, there’s a story that has caused me grief. I’ve worked on rewriting it, but it continues to morph as I move into my 9th year of caregiving. Despite the work I’ve done and the changes I’ve made, it still rears its ugly head and causes negative emotions. When it does, I take immediate control and look at how the story has changed. It’s annoying and sometimes exhausting to rework an old story, but this one has been particularly tough. I suspect that’s because, as a caregiver, I live a life that makes it easy for the story to creep in.

Originally, it was, “There’s no room in my life for me.” Then it morphed to, “I’m constantly interrupted, and I never get my own stuff done.” There have been other iterations. As I said, a toughie.

The Most Recent Version

Here it is: “Everything, even if good and for my benefit, is just one more thing on my plate.” Can you see how it has jumped from one thought to another, but is basically the same? This version of that old story isn’t any healthier and makes caring for my family harder on some days. I continued to pray for help. The goal was to explode it into pieces so it wouldn’t keep morphing itself. : )

Disengaging 

Four years ago, I began feeling a push from God to develop a community outside of the one I enjoyed once a week at church. I wasn’t happy with that thought. I mean, the story was there. Even if it was good for me, it would just be one more thing to manage in my packed life. Sigh!

However, I listened to God and myself, and I knew it was wise. It took a couple of years for me to move, but move I eventually did. I called my friend, Linda. We had been friends and spoke on the phone almost every day for over twenty years while I lived in Laurel, Montana. We decided to make it a consistent call and set a date for every three months. After each call, we would schedule another appointment three months out. We both knew from experience that if we didn’t set aside time and honor it, it wouldn’t happen. We had only spoken every two or three years for the twenty-five-plus years I had been in Utah. This principle of setting a time and honoring it is true everywhere, including connecting with our children.

After that first step, other names came to mind, and I would make a call and set up a three-month appointment. I now have seven friends I connect with regularly. One of those friends, Anne, after a couple of calls, asked me if we could meet for lunch every three months and visit face-to-face. Oh, my word, I don’t do lunch, and we would each need to drive 30 minutes to meet. But we set it up and have managed for several years now. One of those seven friends and I talk every month. I’m getting better, right? : )

A year ago, I began walking with two friends several times a week. We’ve been darn consistent considering they are both still parenting and I’m caregiving. I truly enjoy these walks.

However, here’s the thing. Despite following wise counsel from God and myself, before each call, meeting, lunch, or walk, I would have this thought, “Why are you doing this. You don’t have time. This is nuts!”

At the end of each connection, whether on the phone, a walk, or lunch, I felt rested. Freer somehow. I had laughed, smiled, joked, and sometimes cried. It was liberating. It was stress-relieving. It made me feel bad that I had negative thoughts before each event, even though I experienced good results and felt better afterwards.

My RED-LETTER Day

July 25th was a red-letter day for me. What’s a red-letter day? A day that is pleasantly noteworthy or memorable. I had my scheduled walk with Alysia and Livia. That morning, I felt tired, and staying in bed another fifteen minutes would have felt good. But I realized I was looking forward to this walk. I didn’t think. “Augh, if I didn’t have this walk scheduled, I could rest another fifteen minutes. Why do I do this stuff?” No, what I thought was, “I’m glad to have a reason to get up. I want to hear about Livia’s event and how Alysia’s kids are doing.” What an amazing turnaround.

On the walk, I mentioned that I had a call coming up later that day with Joy, someone we all know. Alysia asked if I was looking forward to it. (She knows the struggle I’ve had with the story because we’re honest and have real conversations.) I stopped walking for a moment to check in with myself and realized I was anticipating the call with gladness. I was happy my walking buddy asked the question because it helped me take notice of the shift.

In my afternoon conversation with Joy, my morning experience came up. We were talking about the value and importance of having a community. Joy had mentioned that community is what increases our prosperity – not with money, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and in services rendered. We are more prosperous when we have friends who care, and whom we care for.

In that moment, I realized fully what I had begun to sense earlier that morning. There had been a shift! I began feeling anticipation before a call, a walk, or a lunch for several weeks. I wanted to be present with that person. It no longer felt like just another thing on my very full plate. The story, at least for now, has retreated. It may rear its ugly head in the future, but now I have evidence it’s false! It will be easier to send the story packing!

The New Story

Here is the new story: “God knows my needs. He knew the truth, that I would flourish in a community of friends, even though I didn’t know it. Now I do, and I am moving forward. Engaging in my community makes space for all that matters.  Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” I am still working on it, but it is coming along. I repeat it daily.

It can take time to rewrite an unhealthy or unhelpful story, but when we recognise a story that is damaging or harmful, we can change it. It’s happening for me, and it’s wonderfully freeing. It can happen for you. When you recognise that you’re telling yourself something that isn’t helpful or is untrue, don’t berate yourself. Celebrate. When you can see it, you can change it, even if it takes time.

I’ve worked on this story for eight years,
and I am succeeding! : )

Learning Play – Sewing

In 2012, the week after Christmas, Don and I traveled to Colorado to visit our grandkids. We loved and missed our daughter and her husband, but we went to see the grands! I’m always grateful for the time we took, in those early days, to spend time with them. Ashley, the grand in this story, is now in her mid-twenties and a wonderful hairdresser. They grow so fast, and you can’t reclaim their childhood. Hence, the perilous drive in the winter. : )

Grandma, can you help me make this?

Ashley was nine and needed a bag to carry her scriptures to church. She and her mom searched but couldn’t find one they liked. So, they bought a kit. I hadn’t been in the house 30 minutes when I was shown the kit and asked, “Grandma, can you help me make this?” I was all over that. I did a lot of sewing while raising our seven children, and although it was a lot of work, I enjoyed it. I taught the youngest two to sew in the days we homeschooled.

It was interesting that my daughter came in during the project and said, “I’m so glad you are helping her with this.” Here is an aside that doesn’t have anything to do with sewing but has everything to do with enjoying sewing with children. This type of activity can be challenging, as Marie’s comment showed, because we usually don’t structure time and then remain present while we assist and teach. When you decide to help a child with a project, honor that time, free your mind of everything but the child and the project. When you learn to do this, you will enjoy it more.

Children are fun to work with when that is the goal. They’re easy to please. They just need you to focus for whatever amount of time you have determined to give them. This project could have been completed in three 30-minute sessions. That might work better for a busy mom. I was on vacation, so we could take all day if we wanted to. Lucky us!

Learning to Read Directions Is Important

We began by looking at the box. We talked about the picture of the bag. We got everything out and compared the contents with the contents on the direction sheet. I helped Ashley read the directions, and we took it one step at a time. However, despite this wise start, at one point we moved ahead without reading the directions. Opps, mistake. We didn’t hem the top when the pieces were separate, so I had the opportunity to show Ashley how to sew a circular piece of material. : ) Reading directions is a very good thing to learn, and we talked about that.

Gosh, I’m Learning A Lot!

As we worked, we discussed many new words. I would ask Ashley what a word meant, she would take a guess, and then I would give a more complete definition. We had words like fray, embellishment, yoyo (not the toy), wrong side, right side, flair, feed dog (I love that term! So cool), pressure foot, bobbin, straight pin vs. safety pin, etc. About halfway through, Ashley said in a very excited voice, “Gosh, I’m learning a lot!” Kids always learn more when they are engaged. 

As we worked, Ashley commented, “This is sorta like when we learned about crystals.” It sorta was. We began with one thing and learned many other things. That’s the cool part about being present with a child. Learning flows because conversation happens.

Here’s a Tip:

When I sew with a young child who has never used a sewing machine, I stand behind them, tell them their job is to push the material forward into the feed dog, and keep a straight line. Then I worry about the pedal. That way, they learn to do one thing before trying to do two.

 

 

We got to practice some hand sewing because this cute bag had an embellishment called a yoyo, a small material circle used to make a yoyo quilt. She also learned to sew on a button. All in all, we had a great afternoon, learned a lot, and Ashley thought I was the best grandma in the world; and in fact, I was!!! Even now, I think Ashley feels the same.

Anyway, I’m holding on to the story that she does. : )