“No matter how consistent I am at something I just haven’t been able to be perfect!” The mom making this comment was feeling really stressed out and like a failure. Can you relate? As a mentor, I hear it all the time!
Where in the world did we ever get the idea that there would ever be a time in our lives when we would have everything all worked out.
Unfortunately, this is how I lived a great many years of my life. I felt that in order to be of value in the world I needed to be perfect. I tried, I really tried. As a child, I REALLY tried. But I couldn’t do it and so I grew up knowing that somehow there was just something not quite right about me. And then things got ugly because as an adult I wasn’t any better at perfect than I had been as a child. In fact, I was less perfect because now I was the mother of a family and I had to lead out, so I made a lot more mistakes.
Now for the important part.
Because I was so busy trying to be perfect it became VERY hard to really enjoy life, my kids, my husband, anything. That’s because life is messy, kids are messy, and relationships are messy. Trust me, our parenting was messy. And because it wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t perfect at it, I had a hard time enjoying it.
When I began teaching about family connections and having more fun as a family it was challenging for me because I had parented imperfectly. I worried that I didn’t have anything to offer or that even if I did no one would listen to me. That was a tough place to teach from.
After a few years I contemplated quitting because, in order to teach the very things that I really knew a lot about, I had to confess to the world that I wasn’t perfect. This was truly daunting for a person who had spent a huge portion of her life working for perfection.
Before I began teaching families how to connect, back in my Montana days, I had a façade going that was amazing. People in my world thought I was perfect. In fact, I was slightly intimidating because I looked so perfect. But then our lives began to fall apart and it became evident to everyone that I wasn’t perfect and this made how I felt about myself worse.
Recently I read an article by Glennon Doyle Melton and was struck by what she said about this issue of perfection.
“So often, people’s lives are presented to us as before and after stories. It’s always: “Look! My mess is fine because I’m ALL BETTER NOW! Ten steps to FREEDOM! Look at me, I’m FREE!” Sometimes it feels like it’s only okay to talk about your Cinderella story when you’re at the ball. When the tough, ugly parts are over. When everything is shiny and happily ever after, promise!! …But there is no ball. There is no point in which you stop working and just brush your long pretty hair and flit around, untouchable. Done. All better. There is no before and after. Most honest folks…will tell you that it’s just the same %^$# thing, over and over. That you just fall down seven times and get back up eight…I’m not at the ball. I’m scrubbing floors: wondering why everyone else gets to dance and make it look so easy. I’m a little angry and confused that I’m almost forty years old and STILL DEALING WITH THIS %*&^#. Why I don’t have all of this figured out yet. Glennon Doyle Melton
She was speaking specifically about body issues, weight, overeating, etc. but it’s all the same. It could be yelling, poor spending habits, not connecting with your kids or a thousand other issues. When you don’t have things worked out you feel bad. You feel that somehow you’re a failure, that if you were worth anything you would have it all worked out by now!
I have a couple of friends who are in their late 80’s, they’re twins. They have lived together for the last few years and they walk almost every day, arm in arm.
One day Marion was walking alone, and she was a bit tippy on her feet. I saw her and was worried so I went out and said, “Marion, can I walk with you.” As we walked, she talked about her life and her sister. They had been fighting and she was sad. Their relationship had been a mess for a few days. She began to cry.
I was flabbergasted!! I couldn’t help myself, and despite her tears, I blurted out, “Marion, I thought when I got to your age I would have it all worked out!”
Through her tears she began laughing – “Oh goodness honey, that will never happen. There is always something to work on!”
And there it is. We aren’t ever going to be perfect. We will get good at some things. There may even be one or two things that we do fairly perfectly but, we are never going to be perfect. We are never going to have everything worked out. There is always going to be something you don’t know, haven’t mastered yet or that is messy.
So, what can you do about it?
Do what I’m doing.
- Keep working on yourself, your attitude, your relationships, your systems, etc.
- Know that your value isn’t in perfection but in the fact that you are here, trying.
- Know that your efforts to be better will matter and that even if you aren’t perfect you have something to share with your spouse, your children, your neighborhood, maybe the world.
Keep working on things. There really isn’t a before and after in life, a place you get to where you have it all worked out and life is happily ever after. Remember what Marion said, “Oh goodness honey, that will never happen, there is always something to work out!” And at 80+ she ought to know!
Your Shares Are the Best Compliment