In January, my daughter Jodie gathered a group of friends to work on having a better outcome in 2026. We listened to an interesting YouTube video by Daniel Pink. The premise was that structure beats willpower. We each determined what we regretted from 2025 and how we could do better in 2026 to avoid repeating our mistakes.
My regret was not getting my writing in until the last minute. I regretted that because it fed this old story — there is no time in my life for me — and it led to feelings of resentment toward those I care for. I placed my lack of consistency on them and their needs.
We also worked on choosing a priority goal. Of course, mine was to write every day, as consistently as possible, even if only for a few minutes, or to continue even if interrupted several times. I wanted to take responsibility for my choices and stop blaming and complaining.
Here’s something I shared early on in one of our conversation threads: “I have a hard time doing my own things even when I try. I do my personal morning routine, but it’s interrupted, and I usually don’t get any writing done. For the last four days, I rarely sat down, and tonight I didn’t even get to eat my dinner until 8 pm. No TV, no internet, no reading, no loafing, just serving and doing what’s necessary. I oversee what I choose to do, but I’m obviously doing something less effectively than needed.”
Jodie, our discussion leader, asked me if I had articulated my most important goals for the year. My reply was, “Not well.” After careful thought, this is what I decided was my most important goal for 2026 — to write every day, so I wasn’t pushed up against a deadline, feeling resentful, and hanging onto that old, untrue story.
As we wound down the class, Jodie — my daughter and the discussion leader — decided we would be good accountability partners. Interestingly, Jodie had the same goal: to write consistently. We checked in with each other daily for two weeks. On some days our writing got 10 minutes, and on other days an hour.
At the end of the two weeks, I realized that it had become easier to write daily. I was able to write every day except Sunday, which I take off, and I was more prepared as my publishing deadline loomed. What had happened? Nothing in my life changed — not the schedule, the interruptions, the people, nothing. If anything, it had gotten more intense with Don’s fifth surgery on February 23rd. I had to think about this for some time because nothing had changed except that I was writing daily. My resentment had faded. I had stopped blaming my family and circumstances. What had changed?
For Me, it Wasn’t Structure Over Willpower but Commitment Over Intention
When I finally sorted it out, I had to laugh. It was something I know in my core and am very good at: making a commitment. I understand the importance of systems, or as Pink termed it, structure. I mentored mothers on workable and successful systems for over a decade.
I also understand the difference between intention and commitment. I had let life, complications, and caregiving overtake me. I hoped I could fit my writing in. I wanted to fit it in. I knew it mattered, not just to my readers, but to me. I seriously thought I was trying. But here is the crux: I had not continued in the commitment I had held before I became a full-time caregiver. I had consistently written, despite vacations, illness, schooling, etc., for years. But that earlier commitment had morphed into an intention, a desire, a hope. I felt serious. I cared deeply. But I was no longer committed to the task! It’s embarrassing to admit.
Such a Simple Difference — Commitment vs. Intention
From decades of experience, I know when I’ve committed and when I haven’t. It rings in my heart. For example, I’ve discovered after some research, prayer, and thoughtful pondering that some of my physical problems are caused by sugar. During a prayer, I told God I intended to stop eating sugar. You all know I cook almost everything from scratch and use only Monk Fruit and no wheat flour. I’ve done this for over five years to help Don with his health issues. However, three years ago, I began having a harder time staying on the sugar-free wagon. After my hip surgery last September, it became even harder. I was weary and ate food that others provided. I still did a ton of cooking, but the few months that others cooked for our family put me back on the sugar wagon. I’m sure God smiled when I told him I was giving it up. He knew I hadn’t committed. He knows me.
Over 30 years ago, I had to give up all pork and chocolate. They cause serious mood swings. I’ve researched the components of both, and they share some things that cause the swings. When I realized these foods were not good for me, and after a great deal of prayer, I made a commitment about pork. It took several more months and some experimentation when it came to chocolate. 🙂 However, for over 30 years, I have not budged on these two things, not once! This is where I need to go with sugar.
It’s where I need to go again with my writing, despite the major changes in my lifestyle. The class was in January. Jodie and I began holding each other accountable in February. In the next few months, I didn’t miss one day, not one. Why? Because it changed from an intention — a need, a want, a hope — to a commitment to myself.
Because of my way of being, when I commit, it’s usually a done deal. I rarely need outside accountability. It doesn’t work this way for everyone. We all have different personalities, and some of us are better able to commit than others. But I’ve seen even those who find it hard to make a commitment to themselves — and then hold true — do it, if it matters enough and if they understand themselves.
A helpful book to read about your way of being is Gretchen Rubin’s The Four Tendencies. She categorizes people into four groups: Upholders, Rebels, Obligers, and Questioners.
The book explains how understanding your tendency helps you make better decisions, form habits, and improve your life by working with your nature, not against it. It reveals why some people easily meet deadlines while others struggle with self-imposed goals.
Upholders meet both outer expectations (e.g., work deadlines) and inner expectations (e.g., New Year’s resolutions) easily. They value discipline and structure.
Questioners question all expectations and will only follow them if they make sense. They resist outer expectations unless they can justify them internally.
Obligers meet outer expectations readily but struggle with inner ones. They need outside accountability to follow through on their own goals.
Rebels resist all expectations, both outer and inner. They value freedom and individuality and need to feel they are making their own choices.
I’m an Upholder, and my shared experience this year with these other women showed me I hadn’t committed. Jodie, as an Obliger, needs external accountability. Since we are no longer holding each other accountable, she has struggled a bit and has had to find ways to manage her tendency. When we understand our way of responding, we navigate better. Don, my husband, is a Questioner and needs to understand why. Knowing this about him helps me help him.
It isn’t useful to beat yourself up when you find it hard to commit and stick with it. Instead, understand yourself so you can find ways to make it work. You don’t need to read the whole book — just take the easy quiz. Then accept yourself where you are and learn to work with it.
Back to the sugar. I realized that even though I can usually hold myself accountable, in this difficult season, I needed some outside accountability. I had an appointment with my naturopath last week, and we talked about sugar, and I committed. This week, she reached out to see how I was doing. I was glad I could say, “Making progress.”
The Results of My Writing Commitment
I manage that old story better — there is no room in my life for me. There is if I make it happen. The story still surfaces, and maybe always will, but I can rewrite it quickly. I no longer panic over repeated interruptions (well, not as often). I know that my consistent effort will pay off. I am experiencing it.
I’ve stopped blaming circumstances and caregiving for my lack of getting it done. If I miss a day, I know I chose to miss. Again, this takes daily practice, but I am managing better.
I feel less anxious and resentful. I’m still a work in progress, but I am so much calmer, kinder, more tender, and on top of my deadlines than I was.
Am I perfect? I’ve missed some days, but if I make it 90% of the time, that’s a HUGE win — and I’ve been doing that. It can still be only 10 minutes. I’m still repeatedly interrupted when I sit at the computer, but realizing why I was struggling, taking responsibility, and giving up blame has been life-changing. Now, the blame is where it belongs: on my shoulders. That can be irritating, but taking responsibility feels better than being a victim.
What is Your Commitment?
My friend, Mary Black, and I visited a month ago. I shared my experience with her. I told her it was embarrassing that I was struggling with something I understand and have taught. Here was her response: “Oh, I am feeling that right in my soul. That’s exactly what I needed to hear today, Mary Ann, so thank you, thank you.” This is something we all deal with. As you look at the places in your life that aren’t working, could a lack of commitment be the issue?
If you’re struggling, think carefully. Have you committed to whatever it is — being calmer, touching your kids more, keeping a family system going, accomplishing a goal, learning a language, creating firmer family relationships, being a better housekeeper, getting rid of stuff, overcoming a weakness, and so on?